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Princess777

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  1. Princess777
    Oh.... ((((((((((((((((((you)))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry honey. I know exactly what you mean about him leaving and the way that makes you feel in the house without him. It's kind of like leaving you high and dry and you're just a mess till he comes back, then it's a different kind of mess. The anxiety is gone about not knowing where he is, but then you feel like you have to hurry up and solve everything before he leaves again..... My advice here is to end it, but don't take it from me. Please do whatever you feel is best for you and your kids. Infidelity is so, so difficult to overcome. I've tried and it didn't work in my first marriage. The counseling helped me understand myself a lot better though. He sounds a lot like my current husband, who only can fathom life from his eyes and cannot understand what it's like from anyone else's point of view. These people rarely change. My brother is the same way. I love my husband to death but finally asked him to leave because he only thinks of himself and lied to me constantly. Now since then he swears he's cleaned up his act and buys me roses all the time and calls me all the time, I get more attention now than I ever got when we were living together. I know I still have to end this marriage even though it hurts like HELL cause he'll never change. You can't change people, they are who they are and it's that simple. He has his great points, but he has more bad points than good.... I simply realized that I am gaining nothing by being with him. It kills me to not have him here but I know it's right in my mind, I'm ignoring my heart. I feel sorry for him, but I love him too. I say, if you don't like what he's doing, then get rid of him. There is no rule that says you have to stay with this guy.... if he causes you more pain than happiness then go for happiness. Good luck dear, I know it's not easy.
  2. Princess777
    I really regressed last night. We ended up talking on the phone for nearly an hour and crying our eyes out missing each other. He says he can't live without me. I said the same. He said all he wants to hear is me asking him to come home forever. You have no idea how much I wanted to just say it, however, I sidestepped it but let him know that I am miserable. For what purpose I have no idea. I do not want to hurt him any more, nor do I want him to hurt me. What's wrong with this picture... why is it when we're together he hurts me then when he's not he wants to die, like me..... my best friend would kill me if she knew I told him I still loved him and gave him hopes of getting back together. I have no idea what to do now. I feel very torn. I also feel like everything is so messed up and I can't fix it, no matter if I took him back or if I didn't. I have never been so depressed in my life and I welcome death at the moment. There was a true connection last night, we both knew the other was sincerely hurting without the other. Is that worth anything or is it just desperation?
  3. Princess777
    Also, isn't it weird that even though I know things will never work out if I were to let him stay, I still miss him and I still love him. I never understood that before but I do now. You can love someone very much and not be able to live with them. That's what I'm going through... and it stinks.
  4. Princess777
    Well still no word from him, he's been gone for several days, but a lot of his stuff is still here. He won't answer any of my calls and I haven't spoken with him since New Year's eve. He is trying to get me to want him back by missing him, I know. It hurts me very badly that he is trying to hurt me on purpose. I am appalled that he could be capable of ignoring me for this long. All I want to do is just organize getting his stuff out and he won't even talk to me about it. I hate all this mess, everything is so messed up. I've changed the locks and stuff but he still makes me feel vulnerable. I feel like I've had all my courage stripped from me. Like I have no one to turn to, to tell me that everything's going to be okay. He used to tell me that, then turn around and not come home the next night with no word and just turn his phone off. Sometimes for days. I won't miss that. But I still miss him..... in some sick way. I don't want him back.... I just want to work out the details of the divorce and all. And I want all his stuff out so I don't have to look at it. How can he just ignore me like this... I guess he's trying to "get me back" for the supposed pain I'm putting him through. Thank you again for your replies.
  5. Princess777
    Thank you all very much for your replies. It's the next morning now and I'm still pretty sad but am thinking a little more clearly. I agree that since he is no longer here to answer to, I am feeling like I am somewhat lost and alone. I also agree that I feel like I have nothing left to be strong WITH.... cause I used it all to get him to leave in the first place, which took 2 years. I know it's not better to have him here and be mean to me, but I miss the good times. I'm trying really hard not to fall into the trap of making excuses for him again or thinking that possibly it would ever work, cause it never will. I miss the closeness we had at the good times and the intimacy we had when things were going well. That's really hard for me right now. Again, thank you so much for the encouragement! I need it badly right now, to stay strong in my decision. I have given him many, many chances and even informed him that they were last chance(s) ... and he still blew it every time. Happy New Year to everyone
  6. Princess777
    I say you need to go straight to your PARENTS and tell them exactly what you told us. They love you and will take you to get checked out, that's what's important. Please don't hide it anymore. It will feel so much better to just get it all out in the open with them. This is serious and you need to do it NOW because if you wait too long it could cause serious brain damage and you might never regain all the abilities you have/had in the past. Then it won't matter if your parents restrict you from anything. Another thing, remember that once you're 18 you can pretty much do whatever you want anyway. So that's not an excuse.... GO TELL YOUR PARENTS !!!!!
  7. Princess777
    Well I am having a really, really rough night. I was afraid of this. I asked my husband to leave (as I'd indicated in my last post - long history of emotional abuse) and even though he agreed to move out, he keeps saying he doesn't want to leave. Well, he has been gone for a few days to deal with everything before totally moving everything and I am just very, very weak right now. I've called him several times tonight and I know I shouldn't have. It's SO HARD to be without him on this New Year's even though things will never work with us. I know I've got to remain strong and focused on the goal of divorce but I am really, really missing him badly. All I keep thinking about is being in his arms. I keep telling myself that it's just a phase, it will pass, but I seriously thought I was strong enough to handle this. I also keep telling myself that anyone would naturally be feeling sad, it's my husband for God's sake, and even though we'll never work doesn't mean I can't still have feelings for him. I hope I can make it through this night without him.
  8. Princess777
    Hey Foz, Glad to hear from you again. Wouldn't it be easier for you if he just didn't call..... I don't know why some people tend to drag your heart through the dirt, then decide that they didn't quite get enough dirt on it or step on it hard enough, so they drag it through again by doing something like that phone call. I'll bet you weren't feeling that badly before he called, but once he did, it kind of set it all into motion again. I hate him for doing that to you! Foz you're so sweet, don't waste any time on that loser.... The past is just that, the past. Make a pact to yourself that he took that from you, but he cannot take your future, don't give him one more minute of that which you have control over. Make new memories!!!!! I had a very bad Christmas too. My husband is finally moving out, (should be totally out no later than Saturday -- UGH ) but the difference is that I WANT him out... he is not right for me no more than your ex was right for you. How can he be the one if he makes you cry so much,,, it can't be right if it hurts so bad. Remember that!!! This jerk of mine has caused me more pain than anyone I've ever met has. He has no remorse, he doesn't care about anything. I have accepted reality for what it is.... yes I wasted 2 years on him but I'll be damned if I'm going to waste any more!!!!!!!! And that's the way you have to look at it.... concentrate on the GOAL and don't let your foot get caught in old tracks. Cause if you do it will get stuck. ((((((((((((((((((((take care, you))))))))))))))))))))))))
  9. Princess777
    Greetings. Letting go of unavailable people is always hard, but when you find yourself continually getting involved with unavailable people, it's time to ask why. The most common reason that I think this happens is that on a subconscious level you get involved with someone who is unavailable because it's protection against opening up fully to anyone. It's your own shield, you know this person will never be able to fully commit to you, so you wont' be in danger of them hurting you if you were to open up to them. It's a pre-requisite.... you know it inside that it will never work out, however the dysfunctional way of thinking causes you to act on it. Perhaps you were ignored by your father as a child, or whatever, I don't know, but you do not have clear boundaries as to what kind of relationship you really want. This probably isn't what you want to hear but YES dump him immediately, you are committing adultery and it is not only inethical it is devastating to many people. I would venture to say that more people know about your affair than you think. These kinds of things don't stay secret very long, especially for the time frame you speak of. He is using you, he'll never leave her. Actions speak louder than words. Get rid of him immediately, tell him to pretend you never met, and don't look back. And dont' feed into the feeling that you wont' find anyone else. Define what you are looking for in a man and concentrate on that, not on anyone who is unavailable in ANY way..... that's the first indication that the relationship will never work. Good luck dear
  10. Princess777
    Greetings clairelouise, I know exactly how you feel. Even if it's a guy he's with, you still feel like you're second fiddle. I am 34 and have always had this problem.... I have read books on jealousy to try to stop it, which did nothing for me except basically tell me that my thinking was unhealthy, which made me feel even more weird. Coming from someone who's been through it, YES if you continue it will be a huge turnoff to him. YES if you continue you could very well sabotage the relationship. and YES you need to find ways to control it. I'm warning you that he could resort to lying to you about many things (as an attempt not to hurt your feelings) if you exhibit too much jealousy.....You can sure try to curb the feelings, but usually you can't change the way you feel, it just IS. So what you have to do is re-program yourself. Inner child healing is a wonderful way to do this. If that is too new-age for you, then try something a little less daunting like doing some serious soul-searching to figure out what makes you tick... what makes you feel alive, what makes you feel like you've accomplished something, and what makes you feel good about yourself (not including being with him). Take some personality tests and career tests and figure out where your strengths are. Take those findings and put some new hobbies and activities into motion. Does being creative work for you? Do you like to build things? Do you like music.... whatever your interests are, you need to feed them. This has a great advantage for your relationship too, in the way that he will see that you are a very talented and independent person, which is very attractive. He'll want to be with you even more, most likely. As long as you keep the BALANCE in your life between yourself and him, you'll do much better. I know it's so hard. But consider the alternative..... you can control it. You just have to be smarter than the dysfunctional thoughts of jealousy when it rears it's ugly head. Tell it to SHUT UP and take control of it. It's your own inner voice saying those things, it's not true. Distract yourself, do anything you have to, to stop it. You can do it! I hope I've helped some.
  11. Princess777
    Thank you all for your replies and encouragement!.... Only a few more days and he should be totally moved out. It has not been easy but I find that I cry less and less and for smaller amounts of time. Also, when I do cry, it's more of a pressure relief rather than feeling sorry for myself. That's how I know I'm making progress. I just keep concentrating on the goal, that which is, to get him out. I guess I was so intent on making this marriage work that I ignored all of the horrible things he did to me. Never again! It will be very rough for awhile. One thing that has helped me SO MUCH through this is, someone told me: When something happens to you that normally you would consider very bad or sad and you're feeling depressed about it, think to yourself, "How can I use this to my advantage?".... Wow those words really really helped me!!!!!!!!!!! Not only with my marriage problems but with everything, I mean, if you ask yourself that EVERY time something in your life goes wrong, you will most definitely come up with something!!! And you will automatically feel better.... I know I did. Plus I have to think about how much time in my future would be wasted if I continue the way I am, as opposed to the 2 years of marriage that I will be losing now that I am ending it. The future sure is a lot more than 2 years!!! Happy thoughts to all!!!! Thank you!
  12. Princess777
    When I read your initial post I was going to reply that from a female point of view, yes, she's screwing around on you, but then I read the whole thread and realized that you already split up so now it doesn't matter much. Other than the fact that you can now learn from this incident..... always remember that if someone feels the need to lie to you, they're hiding something, or there wouldn't be a reason to lie. Think about it..... why lie? The only reason people lie is to hide something. Something they know would upset you if you knew. Regardless of whether it is a big lie or a small lie, they do it, and pathological liars never heal. And, contrary to the old saying, I DO believe that what you don't know CAN hurt you.. think about STD's..... I would never advise anyone to just "wait" or "let it go" because if they get away with it once, you are teaching that person how to treat you and they will know in their mind that you're a pushover. Don't allow them to do that to you. Be glad you got out now... instead of after you married her,,, trust me on that one. Take it from someone going into their third divorce. It's not a picnic. I'm sick of all the losers in this world too. No one has a heart anymore. Take care and good luck,
  13. Princess777
    I find that people tend to talk more, period, when they're drunk... now whether it is all the truth, who knows, I know I tend to just rattle on and yes, I probably tell things that I normally wouldn't. There have been several instances where my husband has slipped up and revealed previous lies to me when he was drunk. Like, he won't realize he already lied to me about that.... so yes it is a good tool to find out things, however, usually when you find out you've had a few too so it makes things depressing anyway.... I try to always remain AWARE when I am drinking. I know my limit.... when I reach it, I reach for diet coke or water for the rest of the night and I don't go back to the alcohol. Also if you eat a bunch of cheese before you drink, you can drink all night and not get nearly as drunk as you normally would. Fun fact!!!!
  14. Princess777
    The final straw came a few days ago when he lied to me about where he was and I had proof he was lying.... this happened on more than one occasion. After all of the emotional abuse that I have complained about for nearly 2 years, my husband finally agreed to move out. He is supposed to be out within the next few days... I am going to do the divorce myself. No longer will I be the victim, and no longer will he be able to lie to me. And no longer will he degrade, embarrass, and endanger me. He has gone back to his "roots" of dysfunction and unlawfulness and is engaging in illegal activities, so the sooner he's out, the better. I am stronger now than I have been ever since I met him. I am no longer very jealous of whatever/whoever he hangs around with (he spent Christmas with his ex and their kid and family all day and almost all night and I didn't even care).... I didn't even ask questions afterward...now THAT's progress for someone as jealous as me!!!!! Thank you to enotalone for being here when I needed you the most, through my weakest times, and the "cry all day in the bathroom at work" days.....I will not accept depression to come from within myself and will never, ever take emotional abuse from anyone again. I will make it through this!!!! I am in absolutely no hurry to hook up with anyone, there is no one on the back burner and I feel sorry for the next guy who comes along who is interested in me, cause I'm just really not going to take any crap off anyone ever again! Positive notes: I learned something from this marriage. I learned that you can't change people. They are who they are no matter how much you love them and help them. I learned to slow things down a little. Take a LOT of time to get to know someone before investing too much in them. And the biggest thing I learned is to pay attention to the red flags.... I had a tendency to sweep those under the rug and think, Oh I can fix that. You can't ignore the red flags. Thanks again enotalone!
  15. Princess777
    Being divorced twice and on my way to the third, I can say that the reasons for mine varied, and YES it is embarrassing and YES it seems wrong and YES it stinks and YES I hate the fact that it happened/is happening. But as sisterlynch said, it depends on each situation. I think the main problem that I had is that I expected two of the men to change. The main thing to remember is that PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE for the most part. No matter what. There is a rare percentage of people who do as the result of a life altering event, but usually, what you see is what you get and if there is anything about them that annoys you, it will only get worse!!!!!!! I have also learned through my bad experiences and crappy track record that communication is key and don't get married too early. I think that I married all of them too soon, before I could see how they'd be in the long run. Live with the person for several years before taking the plunge. It will save you a LOT of heartache down the road. I don't agree with holding off on everything until you're married, that's just not practical. You've got to test drive it. My problem is I got married before I figured out that I had lemons. Good luck,
  16. Princess777
    I wish I was as picky as you... I kind of had the opposite problem, where I would have my morals which strangely mirror yours, however, I would still associate with people who did those things and I would try to change them into my way of thinking. It always backfires. But I am learning how to be more picky, like you are. I think you are lucky to have this "problem" myself, I mean, consider the alternative. I think that you should definitely stick to your personal boundaries but maybe they just need to be a little more defined. Make a list of personal boundaries that no one, I mean NO ONE could ever make you change, no matter how much you cared about them. i.e. doing illegal things, etc. Then make a list of things that you really don't care for, but you could live with if you really felt a lot for someone. Perhaps this could help you feel a little less judgmental. Hope I helped some.
  17. Princess777
    Another note: She should be thanking her lucky stars you haven't hit the road YET. Most guys who get pressured to the point that you have would have dumped her a long time ago. You must really love her to stick around and try to work it out.... try to explain this to her.... try to figure out what brought you two together in the first place, and hopefully she can slow down and appreciate the relationship, not the idea of being married. Tell her that you wouldn't mind discussing it at a later date to see where your priorities lie but right now it's not in the cards.
  18. Princess777
    Communication IS the key here. You need to talk with her but don't allow her to rope you into a timeframe. Yes you need to be sensitive to her needs but NO you don't need to say "I'll be ready in 5 years". How do YOU know if you'll be ready in 5 years? A lot can change. I say have a "chill out" talk with her.... tell her that she's taking the relationship and ruining it by trying to get you to do something that you don't feel like you're in a position to handle right now. Tell her it's not a personal attack to her, and that you love her, but her pressure is causing you to feel really turned off and you don't want this issue to break you two up. If you tell her the truth, and she still pressures you then she is not listening to your concerns and is being selfish. You are NOT being selfish by waiting, you are being SMART...... you don't owe her a timeframe at all. You're not ready, and that's the way it is. She's the one being harsh here, NOT you.
  19. Princess777
    In my opinion, I don't think you owe her a timeframe at all. You haven't been in a live-in relationship long enough to make yourself believe that you are ready, so why give her a timeframe that will make you feel even more pressured? I say tell her you have no idea when you'll be ready - the TRUTH.
  20. Princess777
    Mentor - Yes, I guess I'm a black and white thinker and it sometimes gets me in trouble...... and while I think that there are different levels of being single, you really are single (not in a legally committed relationship) until you're actually married. That is not to discount any relationship because there are just as many horribly matched married people and destructive marriages out there as there are boyfriend/girlfriend relationships! Yes I definitely think there is such thing as a committed relationship without being married but technically you are still free to break it off whenever you want if you're not married. That's the beauty of being single. And that's also the problem with marriage... it supposedly offers the security that a lot of women want (including myself) however the drawback is that if you pick the wrong guy to marry you're stuck with him until you go through a very long and painful process of divorce which scars you and your relatinoship history for life. Hence my warning of PLEASE make sure you find the right partner!!!! Both being single and being married have their drawbacks!
  21. Princess777
    I too, have a hard time believing that she just all of a sudden said, "you're right, I'm too young."..... Yes I'm wondering too if she just said that as a reverse-psychology technique to try to get you to worry that she doesn't want you anymore. Don't fall for it. Maintain your ground and know that withholding sex within a relationship to get what you want is extremely detrimental. One thing I've learned in my thirtysomething years is that a relationship, especially a marriage, needs intimacy and sexual closeness whether you're getting along or not. I know it is not easy to do when you're mad as hell at the other person but it is therapeutic if you give it a chance (maybe that's her problem.... maybe she just needs some action to shut her up! ha ha) and often makes the couple realize that what they have together is far more important than any silly argument. Believe me, most things that married couples argue about is really "small stuff", as they say. Yes I think she is definitely in love with the idea of being Mrs. Victor Ward, not Victor's partner in life. There is a difference. Let her grow up and as she does, you'll see whether you want to put the ring on her finger. I don't think there is much more you can do at this point. Don't commit to any kind of deadlines or timeframes. 5 months is not long enough of living together to make a decision either. Give it 2 or 3 years to re-evaluate. Things change a LOT after the first year of living together, even if you've been boyfriend and girlfriend long before living under the same roof. It's just different and don't underestimate the power of time.
  22. Princess777
    What I meant by what I said was that I have said that to guys before when I wasn't married (my definition of being single is not married). And when I said it, it wasn't because there was another guy. True, it was because I was not sure if they were "the one". But I was not seeing someone else nor thinking about anyone else. I'm saying that it is definitely possible that she does not have someone else on the side, but she may very well have someone else who has caught her eye. I was disagreeing with the assumption that there is another guy. That has not been confirmed and I think he just needs to ask her straight up where she sees the relationship, otherwise she is taking full control of the relationship and that is not fair to him. He has just as much right to know where he stands with her as she does to call it off if she is getting cold feet OR if she has another guy waiting in the wings. Communication is so underrated.... if he can get a straight answer out of her, he will be able to take that information and deal with it. Right now he is only speculating that she might have someone else because of what was said in this thread, but there is no proof of that. Sometimes it makes situations worse when one jumps to conclusions. Is it a possibility? Yes. Is it definite? No. Unless he knows for sure, he should give her the benefit of the doubt, that's all I was saying. I think this only because I have felt that way before. I didn't want to hurt the guy but wasn't ready to commit to him either. She is not giving him much to work with, without being honest and that's what he needs to extricate from her.... the truth.
  23. Princess777
    I don't know, I disagree that it is definitely another guy..... I have said these things to guys before when I was single and I didn't have another guy on the side.... it depends on the girl. I think you should just be straight with her and ask her if this is her way of calling off the engagement. You need to find out where you stand, and it appears that this is unclear at the moment. Tell her that you need to know where your relationship stands so you can deal with it. She's not giving you much to work with here. Good luck!!!
  24. Princess777
    Greetings. Well, your problem is common, so don't feel bad. And stick to your guns!!!! Take it from me, I'm on my third marriage and it sucks to have that kind of history.... you don't want it, believe me. What you DO want is to take things slow and make SURE before you propose. I mean, don't let there be ANY doubt in your mind that she is the one. The second thing you need to do, if you really love this girl and don't have any intentions of seeing other people, etc., is sit her down and explain to her that while you understand WHY she wants to get married, tell her that you will do everything in your power to show her every day that she is the one for you, and that you have no intention of diverting to anyone else, it's just that you do not feel you are in a position to be able to give her an engagement ring yet. She is taking it too personally. Tell her that you want your relationship to stand the test of time before you commit in that way. Show her that you will commit to her in other ways, though. And AGAIN, this is ONLY if this is what you really want. By all means, if she is nagging you to the point that it's turning you off, then tell her that because you don't want to lose her over something like that, and I'm sure she wouldn't want to push you away. Try to understand that women need some sort of security, that's what she's looking for from you. If you want to, talk to her about what other kinds of security you can offer her to ease her mind. Finally, you might think about whether or not you can see yourself married to this woman in a few years. Can you think about growing old with her, accepting her for who she is, and all of her faults? If you're not already living with her, you might want to give that a try... that usually answers a lot of questions! Good luck!!!!
  25. Princess777
    Foz, I haven't been around the board much lately but saw your update. I can only imagine how hard it must be to hear his words about not wanting to do those things with you. You're right, that is an extreme remark.... perhaps he felt that if he were that blunt, you would learn to accept it better than hanging onto false hope? Doesn't it just suck when the ones we love won't give us what we want? It is very, very difficult to allow others to do as they wish when it does not involve us and accept that when we are so in love with them. I am glad to hear you're moving out, I think this is the beginning of a great new life for you. No, don't send him anything for his b-day... it's not necessary. As hard as it is, focus on FOZ. Good luck girl!!!
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