Foz

oh god, why do I do it to myself, against all better judgement I met him last night and as usual I ended up in tears in front of him....he has so moved on, it was all Sharon and I did this and that..stuff that we were meant to have done together and it all got too much for me and I broke down in tears...as usual he didn't know what to do or say and came out with some patronising crap of how he had gone through the same before he met me and it was always going to be hard until I met someone else and I basically said it is kind of hard to meet someone when you are 32 as everyone is already paired off and then he was like you have a lot to offer and I said not to you I didn't and I don't know why I met him cos once again I feel like crap and I don't know why it still hurts after 2 years and 4 months!!! I guess the answer here is, i should never have met him, it does me no good, and i just end up in tears and upset and back a few steps again!!

i dont know, i will probably go on about how much he hurt me and how ic ant move on, in the hope that it makes him feel bad about how he handled everything... and he will probably go on about how he wanted a clean break and me to be under no illusions so that is why he did it the way he did it... and i will then probably cry for a week and beat myself up for being nice to him......but i just cant help it...you are right he does cast a huge shadow over my life 2 and a half years later!!!

well my ex basically packed everything up and left while i was on a business trip and i was left alone in the flat that we had shared together. To be honest i nearly lost my mind there..there were just too many memories and i couldnt sleep in the bed that we had once shared, after 3 months of torture i knew he wasnt coming back to me so i decided to give up the flat as i knew i was never going to be happy there again. I moved in with a guy friend of mine who had no interest in discussing my relationship breakdown so my new flat was an ex free zone and it did really help me move on!! I would get your friend to come with you to help you move your stuff out and perhaps even ask your ex not to be there as it would be too painful for you??

the good times were good but he ruined it all by the way he broke up with me, when i think of him all i can think is why did he have to destroy me to make leaving easier on him...sometimes i can remember a good time but straight away i think of the way he left and how i felt afterwards... it doesnt help that he moved on and was in another relationship within 3 months and 28 months later, im still single and have huge trust issues!! Still i am a stronger, more resillient person for having gone through the break up but i wouldnt wish what i went through on anyone... I still feel J wasted 3.5 years of my life (plus another 1.5 spent crying over him) when i could have been out there meeting someone else who really wanted me.... Now i cant even meet someone cos they are all hooked up or completely messed up cos of a divorce or break up..and if i do meet someone i usually run away after a day of two!!!

i had a pretty hellish break up and one by U2 pretty much summed up how the whole break up made me feel!!

And as if on cue, he texted last night to wish me a happy new year and suggested meeting up cos it has been so long and like an absolute fool, i will go running to him!! I have not seen him in 14 months, he phoned me in April and nothing until last night...of course i know i shouldnt go to meet him but maybe i really need to let him know how much he hurt me and how i cant move on and then maybe he will just stop contacting me out of the blue and messing with my head again!!

So yeah it has been over 2 years since we broke up now. 3 months later he started dating someone else and is now living with her, since they moved in together i have not heard from him. The anger never left me and i guess to some extent the hurt never left me either...2 years on and im still single unless you call 3 weeks of dating over a year ago a relationship. Im not pining for him anymore, i just never want to be hurt like that again and i guess to a certain extent i cant move on....

Hi there, Im sorry you are going through such a rough time. I went through something similar 18 months ago. i went to my Doctor begging for anti depressants, anything to take away the pain and he refused point blank to prescribe me anything. he said a break up is like a bereavement and there are 5 stages you have to go through afterwards (shock & denial, sadness and depression, bargaining, anger and finally acceptance), you back and forth through these for as long as it takes. He told me if i were to take anti depressants all i would do would be postpone the pain and the healing process. So all he would give me was a couple of sleeping tablets so i could rest at night. The rest of the time it was just me and my grief and it was overwhelming and i was scared and suicidal sometimes. In a way i have never felt so real as i was so aware of all my emotions. i went for counselling as well and found that helped and eventually i dont know how really, i think i got sick of my grief and wanted my life back, but i started to feel better. it was a very slow process and i still have the odd sad day or angry day but i got through it the natural way and i thank my doctor for not doping me out of it!! As he put it, teh depression associated with grief is a reactive depression and is natural and should be dealt with accordingly, ie going through the stages. I found 2 books really good as well; Men are from mars, women are from venus-Starting Over by John Gray and Rebuilding after your relationship ends by bruce fisher. They helped me, they may help you too!! My advice is stay away form the medication and feel the pain as it is your bodys way of healing!! Kinda like in sports, you have to go through the pain barrier!!

17 months later!!! well over xmas and the new year, i got a few texts from the ex again, all friendly hi foz, happy xmas, hope you are enjoying the Caribbean. ( i was there on holidays, i told him this at our last meeting in September) then happy new year foz, cu 2006. Then the day of my birthday, happy birthday foz, hope you have a great day!! So how do it make me feel?? On the one hand, i was kind of pleased he still thought about me and on the other hand it made me sad cos it means nothing really, he has been seeing somoene for a year now so the texts are just him trying to redeem himself in my eyes (see im not such a bad guy, i send texts at xmas and your birthday). I guess i still care cos im kind of bitter that he moved on with his life and jumped into another relationship so fast and it has lasted, although it is a LDR. Maybe i wouldnt care as much if i had the same luck and was in a loving relationship but im not. That never came my way or maybe i didnt let it come my way. I guess its easier for me to be on my own than risk going through heartache again..or maybe im just not ready yet!! Although it was the worst of times, i have come out of it and i have my confidence back and i have had some great laughs and done a good bit of travelling and had a few dates even. Its been tough but i learnt alot about myself, i survived even though i thought i wouldnt although alot of the hurt still remains. Maybe there will always be a certain amount of hurt but what did he think was going to happen given the way he left me!! There is a lot to be said for breaking up with someone in a kind way!! Anyway that is the update. p.s he still hasnt given me my stuff back, maybe in 2006, if i meet him that is!!

hi there, wow, i feel your pain..i went through the same thing last year. 3.5 years together, 2.5 living together, all his friends were getting engaged and then wham, he said it is over, i dont want to marry you and it would be unfair to continue going out with you...i thought it was my decision to make whether i was happy just going out with him and not getting married but he made it for me and never once regretted his decision. I was devastated and couldnt understand. My post is somewhere in the healing after a breakup forum if you want to read it! One year on, i am doing fine, and i do now believe that i am probably better off because if he didnt want to marry me he wasnt as 100% committed to me as i was to him... so in answer to your question, yes some men do go through that whole commitment phobe thing...some men regret breaking up too, the same thing happened my friend and one year later her ex is begging her to take him back saying he made an awful mistake, thing is she is afraid to trust him again... Anyway i just wanted to say i am so sorry you are going through this, i really do feel your pain!!

(a) it took 6 months for the tears to stop falling, at 8 months i was feeling much better, i have the odd sad day but im ok now! i was with him 3.5 years so half the time you were with them isnt correct in my case. it takes as long as it takes really. I thought i would never get over it and i did and i refused to believe everyone here who told em i would get over it!! But it is true, no one wants to be in pain forever, life is too short and you eventually get sick of mourning the relationship and just want your life back again even if it is different. Well that is what happened me and yes my life is different now but i have to say it is alot better and im happier now!! (b) no i am not friends with my ex, i have met him on occasion but he hurt me too much for me ever to be able to be his friend, plus he has a new girlfriend so i dont really want to be hanging out with him hearing about his new girlfriend!!

I dont mean to be rude here but "Let him humiliate you and die if he wants you to die and let him hit you" is THE WORST ADVICE I HAVE EVER COME accross IN MY LIFE!! THAT MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT LOVE!!

Hi there, Im just over the one year mark as well and i too wanted to mark the day in some special way, mainly to congratulate myself on how far i have come!! i completely fell apart but funnily enough with time i began to see things more clearly and realised that the ex was moving on with his life while i was stuck in misery and depression crying over him when he really didnt deserve it. Somehow i pulled myself together and started living my life again and im really happy now. I wont forget the hurt my ex caused me and how he nearly destroyed me but i now realise i deserve better than my ex so i moved on and i even have a date on friday night which im real excited about!! So on the one year anniversary i went to a music festival with loads of friends, we camped, listened to music, drank beer in the sun and had such a great time and i didnt really think about the ex, at one stage i thought back to exactly that moment one year ago and how i felt my world crumbling and then i compared that to how i felt now and i smiled and felt real proud of myself!! I certainly wouldnt sit in on my own that is for sure. Go out and have fun and give yourself a big pat on the back for having come this far!!!

Hi Sadie, Sorry for not getting back to you until now, i guess my answer is if you are comfortable seeing your ex and not full of anger and resentment, stop and say hello but if you are not ready, wave and walk on and dont look back. That probably doesnt sound like much of a help but i think meeting with an ex depends on our frame of mind and where we are in the healing process. I think if we are truly over them it is a piece of cake, otherwise it is hard and can bring back all the feelings of hurt and rejection.. i hope that makes sense!! As for my upto date situation: Since j has been back in contact i have been very angry and annoyed. I had been doing so well and now that he has contacted me again he is going around and around in my head. i am composing text messages to him and in my head and imagining conversations with him and they all go along the lines of " after all the hurt and pain you caused me, why do you possibly think we could be friends, you wouldnt have treated a friend the way you treated me, so you thereforeeee dont deserve to have me as a friend..." I guess he has stirred up alot of the hurt and pain he caused me and it is making me angry. The truth is he doesnt deserve a second of my time after the way he treated me and i shouldnt give it to him.. I asked a friend of mine was he seeing someone and he is and has been for the past 7 months or so, so i dont really know why he wants to meet me. To tell me how happy he is with her?? I dont really need to hear that now do i?? I just wish he had never contacted me and left me be, it was completely selfish of him and here i am now thinking about him again and he isnt giving me a second thought because he is with his girlfriend and thinks of her now!! Part of me wanted to meet him and show him how well i was doing but now i know i will just launch into an attack of how badly he treated me and how cruel he was in the way he broke up with me and how easy it was for him to just walk out and never look back and how hard it was for me etc!! and probably launch a scathing attack on his charecter etc so i guess i kind of have my answer there, i should not meet him it will be pointless because i have had the above conversation before as you all well know and i have sat there in tears and he just doesnt say anything and i end upset for weeks and he goes back to his life and girlfriend!! The thing is should i send a text/email along the lines of " you would not have treated a friend the way you treated me so what makes you think we can be friends, you caused me more hurt and pain than you can only imagine because you just walked out and never looked back so you never saw the devestation you caused. you have not exactly fallen over yourself apologising for your actions or ever even tried to make it good so you dont deserve to have me as a friend..if you have any shred of decency i would be obliged if you could return the rest of my stuff that you swiped while you were clearing out the contents of the flat while i was away on a business trip. Regards.." yes?? no?? or should it be modified?? God i cant believe i am back here again, going on about him again!! I am so annoyed at him!!

Next day i get a text wanting to know did i want to meet up with him for a drink, mid august as he is away till then. What i need advice on is, should i meet him or not?? Since this contact he is on my mind again. Dont get me wrong, im not upset or anything,he is just playing on my mind and i guess im remembering all the hurt and pain he caused me and thinking how cruel and cowardly he was when we broke up. Part of me wants to show him how fine i am now and part of me wants to tell him he did me a favour as im much better off without a selfish, control freak boyfriend who has huge capacity to be nasty and cruel. I guess my point is, it is nearly a year now and i guess im curious but if all it is going to do is bring up anger and bitterness am i better off not meeting him or will i always want to remind him of how much he hurt me. i think i am capable of telling him what is going on in my life etc but when it would get to the subject of us i think it would just bring all the hurt back to the surface and i would get angry about everything! But i am curious about meeting him, given that by August it will be nearly a year since we broke up and i guess another part of me wants to show him i am strong and he did not destroy me and i am not the crying mess he saw last march. I guess i want to show him i am over him and i have moved on!! So what do you guys think??