Foz

oh god, why do I do it to myself, against all better judgement I met him last night and as usual I ended up in tears in front of him....he has so moved on, it was all Sharon and I did this and that..stuff that we were meant to have done together and it all got too much for me and I broke down in tears...as usual he didn't know what to do or say and came out with some patronising crap of how he had gone through the same before he met me and it was always going to be hard until I met someone else and I basically said it is kind of hard to meet someone when you are 32 as everyone is already paired off and then he was like you have a lot to offer and I said not to you I didn't and I don't know why I met him cos once again I feel like crap and I don't know why it still hurts after 2 years and 4 months!!! I guess the answer here is, i should never have met him, it does me no good, and i just end up in tears and upset and back a few steps again!!

i dont know, i will probably go on about how much he hurt me and how ic ant move on, in the hope that it makes him feel bad about how he handled everything... and he will probably go on about how he wanted a clean break and me to be under no illusions so that is why he did it the way he did it... and i will then probably cry for a week and beat myself up for being nice to him......but i just cant help it...you are right he does cast a huge shadow over my life 2 and a half years later!!!

well my ex basically packed everything up and left while i was on a business trip and i was left alone in the flat that we had shared together. To be honest i nearly lost my mind there..there were just too many memories and i couldnt sleep in the bed that we had once shared, after 3 months of torture i knew he wasnt coming back to me so i decided to give up the flat as i knew i was never going to be happy there again. I moved in with a guy friend of mine who had no interest in discussing my relationship breakdown so my new flat was an ex free zone and it did really help me move on!! I would get your friend to come with you to help you move your stuff out and perhaps even ask your ex not to be there as it would be too painful for you??

the good times were good but he ruined it all by the way he broke up with me, when i think of him all i can think is why did he have to destroy me to make leaving easier on him...sometimes i can remember a good time but straight away i think of the way he left and how i felt afterwards... it doesnt help that he moved on and was in another relationship within 3 months and 28 months later, im still single and have huge trust issues!! Still i am a stronger, more resillient person for having gone through the break up but i wouldnt wish what i went through on anyone... I still feel J wasted 3.5 years of my life (plus another 1.5 spent crying over him) when i could have been out there meeting someone else who really wanted me.... Now i cant even meet someone cos they are all hooked up or completely messed up cos of a divorce or break up..and if i do meet someone i usually run away after a day of two!!!

i had a pretty hellish break up and one by U2 pretty much summed up how the whole break up made me feel!!

And as if on cue, he texted last night to wish me a happy new year and suggested meeting up cos it has been so long and like an absolute fool, i will go running to him!! I have not seen him in 14 months, he phoned me in April and nothing until last night...of course i know i shouldnt go to meet him but maybe i really need to let him know how much he hurt me and how i cant move on and then maybe he will just stop contacting me out of the blue and messing with my head again!!

So yeah it has been over 2 years since we broke up now. 3 months later he started dating someone else and is now living with her, since they moved in together i have not heard from him. The anger never left me and i guess to some extent the hurt never left me either...2 years on and im still single unless you call 3 weeks of dating over a year ago a relationship. Im not pining for him anymore, i just never want to be hurt like that again and i guess to a certain extent i cant move on....

Hi there, Im sorry you are going through such a rough time. I went through something similar 18 months ago. i went to my Doctor begging for anti depressants, anything to take away the pain and he refused point blank to prescribe me anything. he said a break up is like a bereavement and there are 5 stages you have to go through afterwards (shock & denial, sadness and depression, bargaining, anger and finally acceptance), you back and forth through these for as long as it takes. He told me if i were to take anti depressants all i would do would be postpone the pain and the healing process. So all he would give me was a couple of sleeping tablets so i could rest at night. The rest of the time it was just me and my grief and it was overwhelming and i was scared and suicidal sometimes. In a way i have never felt so real as i was so aware of all my emotions. i went for counselling as well and found that helped and eventually i dont know how really, i think i got sick of my grief and wanted my life back, but i started to feel better. it was a very slow process and i still have the odd sad day or angry day but i got through it the natural way and i thank my doctor for not doping me out of it!! As he put it, teh depression associated with grief is a reactive depression and is natural and should be dealt with accordingly, ie going through the stages. I found 2 books really good as well; Men are from mars, women are from venus-Starting Over by John Gray and Rebuilding after your relationship ends by bruce fisher. They helped me, they may help you too!! My advice is stay away form the medication and feel the pain as it is your bodys way of healing!! Kinda like in sports, you have to go through the pain barrier!!

17 months later!!! well over xmas and the new year, i got a few texts from the ex again, all friendly hi foz, happy xmas, hope you are enjoying the Caribbean. ( i was there on holidays, i told him this at our last meeting in September) then happy new year foz, cu 2006. Then the day of my birthday, happy birthday foz, hope you have a great day!! So how do it make me feel?? On the one hand, i was kind of pleased he still thought about me and on the other hand it made me sad cos it means nothing really, he has been seeing somoene for a year now so the texts are just him trying to redeem himself in my eyes (see im not such a bad guy, i send texts at xmas and your birthday). I guess i still care cos im kind of bitter that he moved on with his life and jumped into another relationship so fast and it has lasted, although it is a LDR. Maybe i wouldnt care as much if i had the same luck and was in a loving relationship but im not. That never came my way or maybe i didnt let it come my way. I guess its easier for me to be on my own than risk going through heartache again..or maybe im just not ready yet!! Although it was the worst of times, i have come out of it and i have my confidence back and i have had some great laughs and done a good bit of travelling and had a few dates even. Its been tough but i learnt alot about myself, i survived even though i thought i wouldnt although alot of the hurt still remains. Maybe there will always be a certain amount of hurt but what did he think was going to happen given the way he left me!! There is a lot to be said for breaking up with someone in a kind way!! Anyway that is the update. p.s he still hasnt given me my stuff back, maybe in 2006, if i meet him that is!!

hi there, wow, i feel your pain..i went through the same thing last year. 3.5 years together, 2.5 living together, all his friends were getting engaged and then wham, he said it is over, i dont want to marry you and it would be unfair to continue going out with you...i thought it was my decision to make whether i was happy just going out with him and not getting married but he made it for me and never once regretted his decision. I was devastated and couldnt understand. My post is somewhere in the healing after a breakup forum if you want to read it! One year on, i am doing fine, and i do now believe that i am probably better off because if he didnt want to marry me he wasnt as 100% committed to me as i was to him... so in answer to your question, yes some men do go through that whole commitment phobe thing...some men regret breaking up too, the same thing happened my friend and one year later her ex is begging her to take him back saying he made an awful mistake, thing is she is afraid to trust him again... Anyway i just wanted to say i am so sorry you are going through this, i really do feel your pain!!

(a) it took 6 months for the tears to stop falling, at 8 months i was feeling much better, i have the odd sad day but im ok now! i was with him 3.5 years so half the time you were with them isnt correct in my case. it takes as long as it takes really. I thought i would never get over it and i did and i refused to believe everyone here who told em i would get over it!! But it is true, no one wants to be in pain forever, life is too short and you eventually get sick of mourning the relationship and just want your life back again even if it is different. Well that is what happened me and yes my life is different now but i have to say it is alot better and im happier now!! (b) no i am not friends with my ex, i have met him on occasion but he hurt me too much for me ever to be able to be his friend, plus he has a new girlfriend so i dont really want to be hanging out with him hearing about his new girlfriend!!

I dont mean to be rude here but "Let him humiliate you and die if he wants you to die and let him hit you" is THE WORST ADVICE I HAVE EVER COME accross IN MY LIFE!! THAT MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT LOVE!!

Hi there, Im just over the one year mark as well and i too wanted to mark the day in some special way, mainly to congratulate myself on how far i have come!! i completely fell apart but funnily enough with time i began to see things more clearly and realised that the ex was moving on with his life while i was stuck in misery and depression crying over him when he really didnt deserve it. Somehow i pulled myself together and started living my life again and im really happy now. I wont forget the hurt my ex caused me and how he nearly destroyed me but i now realise i deserve better than my ex so i moved on and i even have a date on friday night which im real excited about!! So on the one year anniversary i went to a music festival with loads of friends, we camped, listened to music, drank beer in the sun and had such a great time and i didnt really think about the ex, at one stage i thought back to exactly that moment one year ago and how i felt my world crumbling and then i compared that to how i felt now and i smiled and felt real proud of myself!! I certainly wouldnt sit in on my own that is for sure. Go out and have fun and give yourself a big pat on the back for having come this far!!!

Hi Sadie, Sorry for not getting back to you until now, i guess my answer is if you are comfortable seeing your ex and not full of anger and resentment, stop and say hello but if you are not ready, wave and walk on and dont look back. That probably doesnt sound like much of a help but i think meeting with an ex depends on our frame of mind and where we are in the healing process. I think if we are truly over them it is a piece of cake, otherwise it is hard and can bring back all the feelings of hurt and rejection.. i hope that makes sense!! As for my upto date situation: Since j has been back in contact i have been very angry and annoyed. I had been doing so well and now that he has contacted me again he is going around and around in my head. i am composing text messages to him and in my head and imagining conversations with him and they all go along the lines of " after all the hurt and pain you caused me, why do you possibly think we could be friends, you wouldnt have treated a friend the way you treated me, so you thereforeeee dont deserve to have me as a friend..." I guess he has stirred up alot of the hurt and pain he caused me and it is making me angry. The truth is he doesnt deserve a second of my time after the way he treated me and i shouldnt give it to him.. I asked a friend of mine was he seeing someone and he is and has been for the past 7 months or so, so i dont really know why he wants to meet me. To tell me how happy he is with her?? I dont really need to hear that now do i?? I just wish he had never contacted me and left me be, it was completely selfish of him and here i am now thinking about him again and he isnt giving me a second thought because he is with his girlfriend and thinks of her now!! Part of me wanted to meet him and show him how well i was doing but now i know i will just launch into an attack of how badly he treated me and how cruel he was in the way he broke up with me and how easy it was for him to just walk out and never look back and how hard it was for me etc!! and probably launch a scathing attack on his charecter etc so i guess i kind of have my answer there, i should not meet him it will be pointless because i have had the above conversation before as you all well know and i have sat there in tears and he just doesnt say anything and i end upset for weeks and he goes back to his life and girlfriend!! The thing is should i send a text/email along the lines of " you would not have treated a friend the way you treated me so what makes you think we can be friends, you caused me more hurt and pain than you can only imagine because you just walked out and never looked back so you never saw the devestation you caused. you have not exactly fallen over yourself apologising for your actions or ever even tried to make it good so you dont deserve to have me as a friend..if you have any shred of decency i would be obliged if you could return the rest of my stuff that you swiped while you were clearing out the contents of the flat while i was away on a business trip. Regards.." yes?? no?? or should it be modified?? God i cant believe i am back here again, going on about him again!! I am so annoyed at him!!

Next day i get a text wanting to know did i want to meet up with him for a drink, mid august as he is away till then. What i need advice on is, should i meet him or not?? Since this contact he is on my mind again. Dont get me wrong, im not upset or anything,he is just playing on my mind and i guess im remembering all the hurt and pain he caused me and thinking how cruel and cowardly he was when we broke up. Part of me wants to show him how fine i am now and part of me wants to tell him he did me a favour as im much better off without a selfish, control freak boyfriend who has huge capacity to be nasty and cruel. I guess my point is, it is nearly a year now and i guess im curious but if all it is going to do is bring up anger and bitterness am i better off not meeting him or will i always want to remind him of how much he hurt me. i think i am capable of telling him what is going on in my life etc but when it would get to the subject of us i think it would just bring all the hurt back to the surface and i would get angry about everything! But i am curious about meeting him, given that by August it will be nearly a year since we broke up and i guess another part of me wants to show him i am strong and he did not destroy me and i am not the crying mess he saw last march. I guess i want to show him i am over him and i have moved on!! So what do you guys think??

Well guess what that sorry excuse for an ex texted me last night, "hi, just saw noeleen (crazy ex flatmate who stole my notes during my exams) and she looks as scary as ever, how are you keeping?? J" So like I fool I responded " Did you not stop and say hello??" His response " No, heard you have a new job, how is that going?? Toby and Murray got engaged but not to each other!!" My response " heard that about Toby, so you and Stephen must be the only non betrothed guys left in the gang! New job great, best move I ever made!" His response"Where is your new job?? Has Billy got married yet and how was it?, Heard you did a triathlon, how was it" My response " new job in Merrion square! Was in Donegal this past week for Billy's wedding, brilliant fun, brilliant place, brilliant surfing going surfing again with Nicki in a few weeks! Pulled hamstring during triathlon so didn't finish it!" His response " Wow, wish I could spend as much time kitesurfing, am away 90% of the time with my new job.Did you go to U2, I didn't get to go this time?, How was snowboarding?" My Response " yeah myself and Nicki went to U2, sound wasn't great!, Snowboarding was great i was whizzing down the mountain after a couple of days" End of contact!! Aaargh, I hope he doesn't think we are friends now, I just wanted him to know I am great fun and he was a fool for dumping me!! I really hope that fool doesn't think he is forgiven or anything!! Well he probably does because i responded to him-DOH!! Was doing fine these past 4 months with no contact and after me asking him to leave me alone he breaks it! I have been meeting alot of his friends out and about, hence why he knows so much about me. I never even mention him to his friends. maybe he just got curious and wanted to know what was going on with me... I dont know, in one way im kinda glad i still pop into his head and on the other hand i wish i hadnt heard from him as i was beginning not to care if i ever heard from him again or not! Dont get me wrong im not upset or anything but i never talked about him anymore and have even been dating again and then out of the blue he gets in contact!!!

ok, first things first i got an infection from my belly button piercing too but it doesnt sound as bad as yours! What i did was i went back to the piercing place and asked their advice! They told me to put Betadine on it (you can buy this in any pharmacy). But what worked better for me was salt and water! Failing that i would go to the doctor and if it has to be taken out, it has to be taken out! You can always get it pierced again!!

hi there, i'm glad you felt somewhat inspired by my story but remember i was a complete mess at one stage too and thought i would never get over my ex. To be honest i dont know how i did get over him but i think it was a mixture of refusing to let him hurt me anymore and that really meant NC. Every time i spoke to him or met him i was right back where i started feeling rejuected all over again and i just got tired of being hurt and devastated and i guess i chose not to allow him hurt me anymore than he already had. NC has most definitely helped me get over the intense pain but i do still think of him but i try to switch off and not let him take over my thoughts. That is the best advice i can give. It is not easy and it is a grieving process and you just have to go through it. It will take as long as it takes. Eventually days will pass and you wont have thought of him and then you will know you are getting there. I wont ever get over the hurt but i am getting over my ex and you will too!! Lots of love, Foz

hey Pebak, it's been a while!! I dont think there is a magic formula for getting over an ex! It has been 8 months for me now and i have felt great for nearly 2 months now. I went away on a snow boparding holiday and met loads of new people and had loads of fun and basically got my confidence back. Since coming back from holidays i signed up to do a triathlon and focus on that as a personal goal. Ive also decided to go visit a friend in the Caribbean so i basically set myself goals and things to look forward to. I dont talk about the ex very much and i try to focus on the fact that if he was the right guy for me, we would still be together. It has been a torturous 8 months but im getting so much better. Of course i do think of him still and have thoughts of "this time last year..." and well this weekend 4 years ago was when we first met so that has me feeling slightly nostalgic but i think when the first christmas, birthday, anniversary without them passes it gets better. I think you are having a relapse because it is the anniversary of the break up and that is bringing up painful memories ( i have yet to reach that one) but just try focus on how much better you are than you were in the initial stages of the break up. it is tough, probably one of the hardest things we have ever had to go through but we are getting there and one day we will meet the right person for us!! Hang in there and pm me if you wish!! lots of love Foz

Thanks Guys, One thing i must say is the advice and encouragement and kind words i found on this forum really helped me!! At times i was repeating myself over and over again but people kept on giving me advice and supporting me and that was invaluable so when i mention my friends getting me through the past 8 months that includes all you guys. And for anyone who does not believe they will get through it, just read my initial postings and you will see that i was at rock bottom and genuinely believed i would never get over him but i did. I really thought i was going to feel that despair and lonelines forever but now i feel fine, yes he crosses my mind sometimes but i dont feel that aching pain anymore. When i think about him all i feel now is how much he hurt me and how i deserve a hell of alot better than someone who could treat me like that. It gets better believe me!! Lots of love, Foz

Well guys as i got a few pm's wondering how i was doing i decided i'd post a quick update! After the last meeting with the ex i was very upset for a few days but i finally accepted it was completely over and there was no getting back together. I had held out hope for so long but it was a false hope and looking back now we never had a chance of getting back together. His mind was made up the day he moved out and there was never going to be any going back from there. But my coping mechanism was to hold out hope because i just couldnt face the awful reality that maybe it was over for good. But the longer it went on the more i realised it was over. But i had to give it one last shot, hence the letter. When there was no response to that i accepted the end of our relationship and found it surprisingly easy to move on especially when i had no contact with him again. When i read back on my previous threads i am so surprised at how much i have come along. I was a complete mess, i could not sleep or eat, my mind was consumed by thoughts of him, at times i thought i was losing my grip on reality and having some sort of breakdown, i did go into a deep depression and i truly thought i would never ever get over him. But i did, i dont know how but i am now over him and i would not take him back now. He has hurt me too much and i can never forgive him for the way he left me. I idolised him but he shattered all my dreams and i guess i feel indifferent to him now. There will be no friendship either, he hurt me way too much for me to ever even consider being his friend, it just wont happen. Maybe i needed to completely fall apart to be able to pull myself up again. maybe i cried him out of my system or maybe my friends got me through it or maybe it was time or maybe it was a combination of all them things but whatever it was i got through it. I have moved on and i am happy now.Its been 8 months and the first 6 were torture but im doing fine now. I have a whole new life now, new flat, new job, new friends, lots of holidays planned and one thing that came out of all this is i really found out who my friends are...

Well I met j last night and not surprisingly it was traumatic! i gave him the letter and i think i said it all. We did our usual chit chat and that was all fine until he asked me how i was, i then started crying and didnt stop for the next hour. I said it was really hard for me, that i wanted to be his friend but it wasnt good for me and everytime i met him i ended up upset for days, I said it seemed really easy for him and he said while he loved meeting up with me he didnt see how it was helping me and that it was easier to be in his position than in mine. He said i would probably always have a scar. I told him i needed 6 months of not seeing him as i was having difficulty letting go and i was nowhere near where he was. He noticed a scar on my cheek and asked how long that was there, He noticed i was wearing different perfume ( i said i couldnt wear eau de Foz anymore-in joke). As regards why,He said we had different ways of dealing with things and i carried stress around and that we should have been having the time of our lives in Mexico but we fought, he said last summer i had started storming off drunk and it was annoying him and then when we fought in Athens he just didnt want it to go on like that. Again he said he loved living with me but he was in a comfort zone. He said he would probably never get married now with his job taking him away it wasnt the ideal situation for a relationship. He said he would much prefer to be in a relationship than be single but he wasnt being fair to me by continuing on and then dumping me when im in my 30's. I said i didnt think i would ever be able to be in a relationship again as i was too afraid of getting hurt and that i would probably be 33 before i could think about being in a relationship again so he hadnt done me any favours by dumping me at 29. i said it was unfair to blame me for the break up and that he should have told me what his doubts were. I said i had been looking over old emails and back in 2001 we had an issue of not talking about what problems we were having because we had so little time together and did not want to spend it arguing or discussing problems. I said that never changed, we never discussed things because we wanted to enjoy our time together and so brushed things under the carpet. I said what would have been fair was to give us a chance in September when he was going to be around for a couple of months and not training. He told me i shouldnt be reading old emails and should delete them as it wasnt helping me. I asked had he burned all letters and photos of me, he said no he still looks at the photo's of our holidays together. I then gave him the letter and said it will probably mean nothing to you but i want you to know how i feel about you and what you mean to me. He said he did care and our relationship did mean something to him and that i should not forget that. And then i left, he told me to email him and let him know how i was getting on . We hugged and my heart broke because i knew it was the end. I got home 5 minutes later and he rang to say he meant to tell me after the last time we met he went home and listened to One by U2 (as i said that song summed up how i felt) and he cried for the night and he wanted me to know that i didnt disappoint him or leave a bad taste in his mouth and he was so sorry i felt that way about him. Then at 12.30 last night, obviously after reading the letter i got a text " Im sorry, i miss all those things too. I wish i didnt hurt you but i know i did. I never wanted to. You have been a special part of my life and that wont change. I hope you can one day understand why i did it the way i did, being cruel was the furthest thing from my mind. Love j." So that's it guys, that is the end of my thread. No happy ending. I held out hope for so long and despite my heartfelt letter, he doesnt want me back. At least i gave it one last shot. Its been 6 long months and you have all been great listeners but its time for me to move on now. So this is the end of the thread. Lots of Love, Foz

wow, i got pretty much blanked on the street by J yesterday. I had no contact from him since the phone call even though he said he would be very keen to meet up and would ring in the next few days. I sent a text on friday saying i needed him to gather the rest of my stuff-no response! Then yesterday im walking down Grafton Street and he is walking towards me with a mate of his. He looked like he'd seen a ghost, i waved accross the street and he waved back and walked on. There are 2 million people in Dublin and i happen to bump into him, what are the chances of that?? I half expected him to contact me after that but nothing. Im confused why the sudden blanking me??

Hi Sli, Hi Ryan, I think i have finally gotten to the stage where i am sick of wanting him back, building my hopes up and being disappointed. And i think reading his emails gave me that realisation, he doesnt want me back and im just some sort of comfort zone to him that he falls back on whenever it suits him, I am nothing more than that to him. I have to take him off his pedestal, which is where he is right now and let go and say goodbye as it is so over. he has moved on and i have to just stop reading into him contacting me cos it means nothing. I will probably still give him the letter but it will be an edited version that says "if all you want is friendship then i cannot do that as it is too painful for me". And then it is time to put this sorry saga behind me and to stop allowing myself be controlled by thoughts and memories of him. I guess it is a frame of mind that i have to train myself into!!

Hi, Well i couldnt resist the temptation and went into his emails again! And i don't know why i thought he may possibly want to get back with me cos he is sleeping with every girl he meets from what i can make out. Anyway one girl in particular he is going to go visit in the UK so all the nice chats and flowers on my birthday ect mean nothing! I feel like such a fool, i thought it meant something but i read the signals all wrong. Obviously he wants me to think of him as some nice guy and is trying to redeem himself in my eyes but nothing more. How can he not see that he is playing mind games with me!! Well i think the letter will have to go as it is, ie i cant be your friend, it is too painful. Although i also think he doesnt deserve such a sweet letter from me. It has been 6 months now and i am so sick of missing him and loving him. I have rarely got angry and if i did it was only for about 20 minutes and then i would be back upset again. I just want my life back, the only problem is my life was better when he was part of it so trying to adjust to life without him is really tough. I just have to let go because i am wasting so much energy on someone who couldnt care less about me... I just feel like such a fool for reading the signals all wrong, i really thought he may want to get back with me..which is really the furthest thing from his mind..he just wants me to not hate him and be there for him and at the same time he is chasing every girl who smiles at him!! Sorry about the ranting, i just am so disappointed in myself for falling for his charm and seeing something that was never there to begin with!