Princess777

Greetings. I have been through divorce and I am a mom. I understand that you feel bad for what you are doing, and yes, that is normal. You feel like you don't deserve happiness, so you feel guilty when you're with your boyfriend, but I don't detect any guilty or hurtful feelings about cheating on your husband (since you're still married). You must really despise him. I also feel that you really feel like this new boyfriend is the greatest thing on the face of the earth. It is typical for you to feel this way. It is natural to idolize another man outside an unhappy marriage, and wish away your life into thinking that he can fix everything for you. The truth is that he can't, you are the only one who can fix things. And the more you rely on this new guy, the more disappointed and desperate you will become. I feel that you are frustrated because you want a quick fix. Unfortunately this will take awhile to fix. A plethora of problems here that I see. Number one, I would NEVER advise getting involved with anyone while married, much less moving in with them. Hence your situation. But, since it's too late to stop that problem, I think you have a lot of action to take. Number one on my list would be, like Scout said, what to say to your child and how to act around him. (It is my opinion that he is still young enough where you can save face, he really doesn't know what is going on yet). But you've got to be quick with getting this solved because he'll grow up really quick. When he gets to be about 4 or 5 years old, tell him the truth about what happened in terms so that he can understand that his daddy does not live with you and why. I did this with my son and I hear horror stories about how moms never told their kids the truth till they were teenagers and beyond and I just shudder. That's just mean. If you tell him the truth early on, you'll never have to worry about hiding anything or hurting him later... kids can adjust better than we think when they're really young. The second thing to handle is your marriage. You can't just think it's going to go away. No way you'll go to marriage counseling and dump the boyfriend? Then if you truly don't see any way in the world you could ever live with your husband again, get the divorce finalized (you can do your own divorce without a lawyer) and come to an agreement with your husband on the dividing of your property and visitation. This is easier said than done but you HAVE to focus on that. Work with him, be humble, and get it done because in court, you'll be the one at fault because you're already with another man. Try to get a no-fault divorce (you and he both agree on everything) and it will save you a lot of money and time. The third thing is that as soon as you get a divorce, I can almost bet money that your relationship with your boyfriend will not work. These relationships rarely work out, for many many reasons. I know that you probably don't see that right now but the pressures/emotions of your divorce will hopefully cause you to stop and take time out to get to know yourself more and what went wrong in the first place. So, to recap, take care/love your son and share him respectfully with your husband. Get your marriage/end of your marriage sorted out. The boyfriend comes last, and he knows it right now. And don't be surprised if he dumps you, you dump him, or something else major happens to make your life a living hell for the time being. I'm sorry to be so blunt but I want to be honest... you're in for a lot of heartache. Take care of your son and yourself. Forget the new guy right now, and if he really loves you he'll wait for you.

I agree that xoxo's husband has trust issues with her and needs to address those. Perhaps marital couseling will bring out his true fears and insecurities and she can help him with those. Don't give up xoxo.... try to solve this problem and move forward, don't let something like this break you two up. You are newlyweds, the first few years are always the hardest. I agree he must be really stressed or worried about something else in general. It is bigger than just hearing about the kiss. However, I just suggested you have one of the guys talk to him because it might get him into a more relaxed position to actually listen instead of accuse, which it seems he is more inclined to do right now. Good luck!

Greetings. Don't take what I say the wrong way or judgmental, this is my opinion: You are eighteen years old. The best friend's husband's friend is most likely older than your boyfriend, which is appealing to you, because an older guy is always appealing to a teenage girl. You are most likely younger than his girlfriend, and are an easy target, which is appealing to him because he knows he can have you both. You are a young female player, that's why you don't feel guilty. Your feelings and emotions regarding commitment haven't even begun to grow, and you just have a lot of growing up to do. My advice is to stop seeing both of them, and make a pact with yourself to not cheat anymore and enforce that by not making any guy think you ARE committed to them. Just go out as friends, have fun being young, and enjoy your youth. Believe me you'll be older before you know it.

Greetings. I remember you on enotalone from a long time ago! Anyways, sorry to hear of your recent troubles. I think your best bet here is to have the boyfriend of your friend talk to him and tell him the truth, of what he saw that night. Guys will believe other guys but won't believe girls in things such as this, because they think they all look out for their "sisters". The guy isn't going to sit there and lie, he has nothing to gain. If that is not possible, then you might tell the guy who kissed you to tell your husband that it was 100% him. I don't know really, how else you're going to make him believe you. How did he find out? Guess you should have told him immediately, but I can see why you didn't.... you were in a tough situation. Unfortunately, this is a prime example of why I never go out without my husband to parties and such. It's simply not worth it. This is exactly the type of horror story I base that personal boundary on. I know it happened before you were married, and now all you can do is try to repair the damage. I know it seems like you're fighting for something you didn't even do wrong.... I am so sorry! I hope you can get one of those guys to talk to him. I really think that's your only hope if he truly doesn't believe you. It sounds like he's seriously upset or he wouldn't be freaking out so much.

What do you think she should do, from a male point of view, Beec?

Awesome advice from Sli. Practical is good!!!!

Foz I'm sorry.... yes it hurts, we all know that and admit it. Try really hard to separate reality from the way you feel about that reality. That probably makes no sense to you right now but it will someday, I promise. *hugs*

I agree. I don't think you're a witch in any way, you are beautiful. Please don't take this the wrong way, but perhaps you may be taking the "witch" label too far... it's okay to be interested in the occult and even practice witchcraft and not label yourself as a witch or believe that you are something that society/your husband may look down on, or down on you for having that interest. Don't allow stereotypes to rule who you are. I think you're starting to believe that you are ugly on the outside (possibly inside too?) like the typical "Halloween" style witches are, just because your insensitive husband is throwing those nasty comments at you, and perhaps you don't feel that you deserve to be treated like a princess, so you've taken the other route. Perhaps you might think about taking a long look at what really makes you tick. What makes you feel good about yourself? When do you feel best about yourself? What are you actually doing or participating in when you're alone or with other friends that your husband has nothing to do with? I agree with Scout, this guy doesn't deserve you and he is extremely rude and horribly emotionally destructive to you.... I think he's just confused you into thinking you're something that you're not. I wish you happiness and good fortune in whatever decision you feel is best for you.

sparkle, I just want to say that I am sorry for offending you if I did. It was not my intention at all. I gathered that you were anxious to marry this guy, or you wouldn't be asking about whether or not he's thinking about proposing. It was a cause and effect sort of analogy for me... sorry. It is impossible for us to know what he is thinking, unfortunately, and you/we can only go by his actions, which were that he said he didn't have enough money for a ring, and then silence. Usually a guy really wants to sweep the woman he loves off her feet with some huge rock because that's what he thinks she wants. So he may be saving, he may not, but the reason I said what I initially said is because, subconsciously, you probably let off hints that you want to get married to him more often than you think you do. And believe me, he knows it. The fact that you are wondering so much about it shows that you really want to get married and usually those feelings flow over into our everyday actions. I think everyone just gathered that, and we just didn't want you to push him away as a result, and get hurt. We were trying to help. I apologize again.

Greetings. It sounds to me like you feel like she is controlling you when you're together. I think you are experiencing a control issue... perhaps a battle for control between the two of you. Do you have any outside interests or friends that you hang out with, without her? Do you possess anything/skills, etc. that don't have anything to do with her and that keep you separate from her, that define your individuality? Things that make you feel like you're accomplishing something? It has been my experience with men that if they don't feel like a man they are unhappy..... what I mean is, if their woman breaks their spirit in any way, or tries to keep control all the time, the man feels claustrophobic and like he needs to "show her who wears the pants" by going out with the guys and getting plastered just because he CAN, going to a strip club, or on a fishing trip just because he CAN and to show her all that, blah blah blah, yada yada yada, you get the point. This approach only leads to contempt. Ways to instill more control in your marriage (if this is what you think it is) is to start doing things without her asking you to do them, or without her expecting you to do them. Help out around the house, do tasks that she normally does, fix things for her, make monetary decisions and make decisions in everyday tasks and outings. Tell her this is what you've decided, what does she think? In other words, use tact, not the barbaric grab-the-woman-by-the-hair approach. This won't work unless she lets you, though, and that is the problem usually. If you dont' think it's that, then you possibly just aren't in love with her but are afraid to admit it because of guilt, family commitments, relatives points of views, etc. Perhaps you were in love with her before but she just doesn't do it for you anymore. I would suggest a different therapist. Usually female therapists are better and are easier to talk to. I have been to several and this is only my experience. Even if it doesn't save your marriage, if you get a good one, it will at least help you figure out yourself.

Greetings. This is rather unusual situation and I am sorry to hear you are frustrated. I too, feel that your insecurities are fueling your frustration. BUT I think that a husband is a PARTNER, not someone who is supposed to cut you down all the time. He is supposed to support you, love you, and show you affection, not point out that you're not his type, he's still in love with his ex, (why didn't you bail when he said that, before the wedding occurred?... maybe he was trying to get you to leave him because he's a coward?.... then when you didn't, now he resents you??????) I wonder how you two ended up married anyway! Did he propose or did you ask him to marry you? I honestly dont' understand why he said those things to you and then married you... it doesn't make sense. I am at a loss here, really. I understand your frustration and your pain. But this guy obviously needs whisked away to a sensitivity or a tact school because he possesses neither attribute. Either that or you are completely ignoring or don't know when he does show you affection in his own way. (which may seem bizarre to you). Did you have a child with him? Did he in any way feel like he HAD to marry you?

Greetings. I would probably skip it if it were me and take a gift over before the party starts for good friendship's sake. I wonder if you are going just because you're hoping this is a chance to see her again/see what she's up to/secretly hoping to get back together?

Here's how I rate your attributes you have listed: -Funny- very important -Intelligent - very important -Height - not important, but taller than me is a plus -Weight - not too skinny but not obese either -Good looking/handsome face - hate to admit it, but important -Nice butt - not important but a plus -Physically fit (muscular etc) - a plus but not necessary -Sporty - doesn't matter -Shy - doesn't matter as long as he tells me his feelings -Sensitive - rather important -Well off down below - not important if he knows how to use it -Confident - important -Trustworthy - very important -Different/not your normal person - not important -Has a passionate interest in something (hobby) - hopefully would be ME -Is good at something, like a sport ie. a good soccer player, on the football team etc., or plays an instrument etc. - not important My opinions of course.

I agree to back off the subject. In fact, why not focus more on how you feel about just being WITH him and express those feelings to him all that you can? Keep the romance and the mystery alive in your relationship in many different ways. Make him want you, and wonder about you sometimes. There's got to be that little tiny part of his brain thinking you might just possibly get away, or he'll get bored. The man has to think he's in control, that he's taking care of everything, and that you need him. If you make him feel like a man in every way possible, and if he truly loves you, he will propose when he's ready. Plus, what is the thrill in forcing a guy to marry you..... wouldn't you rather him ask on his own accord so you know where his heart really is, instead of pushing it on him, scaring him off, and later on, regretting it? You'll be fine. Just make him feel like a man and show him with your actions that you would make a great long-term partner. Actions will speak to him louder than any words. But don't mention it again. I agree, that as time goes on, if you feel like he's never going to ask, then that's when you need to evaluate the pros and cons of the relationship and sit down and have a talk about moving to the next level if you absolutely cannot wait any longer and if the issue of getting married is more important to you than being with him and possibly never being married.

I agree. Don't try too hard because you will appear needy and desperate to him. Let the guy chase you..... it's what they love to do, and how they're genetically made. If they don't have to chase you they won't feel like you're worth chasing.... make sense? I'm not saying to be hateful or avoid him. Definitely acknowledge him and be nice, etc. Just don't chase him in any way. He has to feel like the man, and your job is to make him feel like a man, cause you're a woman and we're good at that!!!!

Greetings. I think some people just rub us the wrong way. I've met people that I just immediately don't like, they seem shady or like they're hiding something, like they have some deep dark secret or something. I just get that icky feeling. I just can't put my finger on exactly what it is that bugs me about them. I think our sixth sense kicks in a lot of times for protection and you should never ignore it. Perhaps you are worrying too much about something that doesn't really matter as long as you avoid him? Obviously it won't be difficult since you aren't attracted to him?

It is okay that not everyone agrees with what I posted. It doesn't bother me. Someone asked me to elaborate on a previous post, so I did. It's the way I feel, I am not a prophet nor a God, and I don't think anyone else here is either. We are all human and not everyone thinks alike. As I said in my post, no one is better than anyone else and this proves that point. Everyone expresses their opinion here and that's the wonderful part of this site.

While responding to another post, one of the members asked me to elaborate on my advice of gaining people's respect in order to not be a doormat. She wanted to know HOW. I think this is a problem for a lot of people on this site and hopefully it will help some. I will do my best at explaining this, and would love to hear from everyone about their techniques. 1) Respect yourself by setting personal boundaries. This means to take a long hard look at your values in life and vow to not let anyone or anything sway you on those values. Write down what values you think you have, meaning, what do you strongly believe in, what would you fight for if it came right down to it, and what WON'T you stand for? Whether it be in a romantic relationship or a friendship with anyone, this is the most important thing, I think, in gaining respect. If someone knows how strongly you feel about something, they're going to know that you have a solid foundation and are not wishy-washy. Plus, how is someone going to know how to please you and/or be your friend if they don't know what you stand for? 2) When someone else is downtrodden in any way, help them in any way you can without acting superior to them or throwing their mistake or misfortune in their face. I think this is a selfless act of kindness and you will gain respect from a lot of people by helping someone who is in trouble and really needs help. You might need help someday. 3) Know that you are no better than anyone else and exhibit that knowledge daily by respecting everyone, from the janitor in your building or at your work, all the way up to the big boss. Treat everyone equally by saying hello to them first, etc. Don't brown-nose, it lowers yourself to appearing desperate and like you couldn't gain anything by hard work. If you appear snobby, uppity, or act like you are the best thing since sliced bread, no one will care what you have to say. Know that everyone is created equally and everyone has potential to know good Truths in life. 4) When an occasion arises where you are uncomfortable or you don't agree with what is happening or the way someone is acting, don't be afraid to say something to correct it or to take action. 99% of the time people who really want to say or do something, dont. Guage this with asking yourself, "What's the worst that could happen?" I would much rather be respected and remembered for standing up for what I believe in rather than cowering in a corner while something ghastly goes on, or someone makes a huge mistake. Plus, if everyone thinks you're a follower, that's exactly what you are. 5) Don't let people push you around, and use tact to enforce it. If you don't like the way someone is talking to you, say, "I would appreciate it if you wouldn't speak to me in that tone, or that way, etc." They will immediately know that you are not a pushover. If someone is hurting you emotionally or physically, don't stand for it. Tell them and show them that you are not deserving of such treatment by taking appropriate action. 6) People will treat us the way we ALLOW them to. Remember this. I hope this helps somebody. I welcome any more suggestions/comments and I might add some more later!

Hey, Well, don't ask yourself why he would spend so much time, etc., because I had a guy do the same thing to me, and he was such a player and I feel like such an idiot for telling him all my private stuff about my life, feelings, etc. What they do is, they ask a bunch of personal questions to take the focus off you asking THEM questions. I'll bet he didn't tell you nearly as much info about himself as he focused on YOU, did he? Then they take everything you say and use it against you. They use it to play you. They use it to pretend to BE the person that you see as IDEAL. That's what a player does, and THAT's exactly why it's so HARD to turn them down when they play those cards. It's all FAKE. You know it, I know it, and he knows it. Don't allow him to play you anymore. So don't be so hard on yourself, we've all been played. Just tell him to pretend you never met. That's what I did. He never spoke to me again. If he really cared for me he would have fought for me. He was using me, I admit it, I was stupid for falling for it, I was very vulnerable at the time (just out of a divorce and he knew it) and I will never make that mistake again. Good luck to you on your new adventures!

Cassiana, Getting people to treat you right..... Sounds like a great new thread. I'll post that today if I can and hopefully it will help you. I'll put it in "Personal Growth". Thanks,

DBL, I can tell from your posts on this thread and others that you have a somewhat pessimistic attitude toward relationships in general and perhaps have been burned quite badly in the past? (I'm not being hateful here, just observing....) I am really sorry that whatever happened to you happened. And I totally understand where you're coming from. I was married for 10 years and my husband cheated on me. I swore I'd never marry again, as I thought the world came to an end. But looking back, I learned from what happened, and no, he wasn't right to do it, but we should have went to counseling sooner or worked it out. Now I have so much more insight as to what CAN go wrong in a marriage. There is no room for selfishness in a marriage, and I think that a lot of people fail because they feel that their partner should automatically FIT their lifestyle/beliefs/etc. or it won't work. Sure, you can't let your partner or anyone walk all over you or invade your personal boundaries, etc. but we really need to look at the facts realistically: there are no guarantees, there is nothing written in stone, and I don't like that either. I wish I knew for 100% sure that I will always be with my current husband and we'll never have any problems. But that is unrealistic to think that. I can't believe I'm typing this because I am such an idealist anyway. However it is true, we will ultimately disappoint ourselves if we believe such a fantasy. I think your best bet is to try to become more optimistic about future events rather than basing your projected outcome of that situation on your past experiences.... and I know that is one of the hardest things to do. If you find a girl whom you love and could picture being married to, try not to let bad things that happened before take away from the beauty that a marriage can give you. I understand that you still have an open mind about it, at least you're not totally closed off to the idea. Yes, infidelity exists among this board.... and every time I read those posts it pains me so much because I have been cheated on too. It is the worst feeling I've ever felt. However it's like any fear, if you let it rule you, it will and it will ruin your life. I hope someone really special enters your life so that you can give them the attention and love that I think you really are yearning to give. I feel that you are frustrated about giving it because you're afraid of losing them after all the hard work. Wouldn't it be awesome if there were guarantees that come with relationships??

Sorry, just wanted to add that I wasn't trying to be short, I had to go offline at the time. Don't be so hard on yourself. Just next time, make a new relationship with someone you can actually see face to face and you'll have better luck in judging his intentions. If you could have seen him face to face, I really doubt he'd have got as far as he did online because you'd have been able to see through him. Keep the challenge up in your future endeavors... if a man has nothing to work for, he feels you're not worth it. It's been proven time and again.... Make him show you respect and that you are worth respecting, and you're not a pushover. Good luck girl!

Yes I agree he just wants sex.... Don't waste your time anymore with this guy!

Greetings. I have been married more than once and currently am very happily married. I would like to put a different spin on this if I could. I think the whole concept of marriage is greatly twisted in society, and I'll give you my opinion on what I think it is. I believe that marriage is a very serious, very committed, sacred union that should only occur if you have absolutely no doubts about your partner. You have to be able to always see yourself with this person, growing old together, loving each other for all of their flaws and their attributes, and the REASONS for marrying them have to be on a certain level for it to work. You can't sit there and think, "Well, I really love this guy, and I think if we get married, all of our problems will be solved and everything will fall into place, and he'll lose a few pounds or he'll get a better job or he'll start dressing with more class, etc., etc., etc. It doesn't work like that. If you cannot TRULY accept that person for everything he/she is, with all of their flaws and things that BUG THE HELL OUT OF YOU, then you just won't make it in the marriage field. Because eventually you'll venture to the "greener grass" syndrome. It all comes down to LOVE and marrying for true love versus the wrong reasons: money, status, family, children, etc. I've been there, done it, and am in it. I love being married. I think marriage is for a certain type of person, and true, what DBL said, if that doesn't work for him then he shouldn't get married. I personally prefer marriage over the single life any day. I hated being single. The uncertainty of the future, the lonely nights, the boring weekends, the bar scene, the corny pickup lines when all they want is in your pants, etc. I love coming home to my partner and always having my best friend living with me, the closeness, the attention, the opportunity to give my love to someone who returns it is the greatest feeling in the world to me. There is no perfect marriage, and you will be sadly disappointed if you expect one. I think the uniqueness of each couple and how they compliment each other is a wonderful part of life. Good luck with your and your partner's decision to marry or not.

Greetings. I think this is a classic case of she doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you either. This type of person has not met the ONE yet and I doubt you'll convince her that you are the ONE for her, you can't make her love you. She got upset at you because you hurt her ego, not because she loves you, at least that's my take on this. As I can only go by what you said she has actually done. Look at her actions and take away all of her words. What do you have? I think that's the easiest way to look at this and come to a conclusion. There are plenty of women out there who will compliment many parts of you, and with whom you will be a good fit. But you will never meet them if you don't take the blinders off. Good luck!