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About Cynder

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    Taking No Crap Since 2004
  • Birthday November 12

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  1. So, got about a week and a half till OC Indianapolis. I still have 3 paintings to finish. Why do I do this to myself? I set my expectations so high. I'm a demanding boss. But only to myself. My employees all think I'm pretty chill. Z loves her new job. She's been there 3 weeks and feels perfectly at home. And she brings home lots of delicious healthy organic food too, which is awesome. I'm already thinking about this epic breakfast I'm going to cook myself tomorrow with stuff she brought home today. If anyone is wondering why I'm not cooking for her too, it's because she doesn't
  2. Well, last few days have been interesting here. Z is having a real problem with insomnia. So she tried melatonin. I'm not sure if I'm spelling that right and right now I just don't feel like googling it, I'll admit it. Well, idk if it could have been an interaction with her meds or what, but this morning when I got up for work I saw her light was on. I went into her room to say hi and she was sitting on the edge of her bed, hunched over, shaking, holding her phone. She said "I'm not doing good." And it's hard to explain why but that statement alone was out of character for her. Sh
  3. Yea, it's getting annoying. K cleans a lot though. He will ask me for certain tasks. He likes sweeping the kitchen floor. He also likes taking out the trash. Sometimes he wants to do big things though that he can't really do. Like last Saturday he really wanted to rearrange the furniture in the living room by himself. I had to put a stop to that, lol. He was moving the Lizard's cage across the floor, and wanted to put it in front of the couch. (He has a pet bearded dragon.) Z has all this stuff she wants to do every day that involves being up earlier. And every night I hear all
  4. Feeling completely gutted today. I wish I knew the reason I was born with this affliction. I was doing so well for a while there. I try to remember every bad time I have that it won't last forever and that good days will come again. These last couple days have just really sucked. Z hasn't had a job for over two weeks now. And every day I hear all about how she wants to stop sleeping so late and clean more and stuff. And every day I get home from work and she's still asleep. And then that night I hear the same thing from her. Well, um, alarm...? I'm up every day at 4AM. I wish I
  5. I seriously worry about how it's going to be for my nephew growing up in this society. Especially considering he's male. Is he gonig to grow up feeling guilty and like he has to apologize for being white and male? Like he had a choice, lol. I've been called a racist multiple times throughout my adult life. And I have no problem with anyone for their skin color/ethnicity/cultural background, etc. I was raised by serious racists, though. When I was a kid my parents pretty much hated anyone who isn't white, straight and from the US. I mean, even if someone was white but from another
  6. I'm sure this will not be well received but I'm getting so tired of this political correct BS. We are living in a time when everyone is offended by everything and people are so sensitive, but people are so f'ing hateful anymore. I'm sick of being accused of being a racist when I'm not. In some people's eyes saying "I'm not a racist." means you are a racist, which is ridiculous. I don't give a sh- what color a person is as long as they aren't hurting me or anyone I love. But white people aren't allowed to comment on racial issues at all. I'm white so if I say anything about any of th
  7. I haven't written much lately because I've been working my ass off getting ready for OC Indianapolis. Yea, I still have 7 weeks to go. But since they are so damn picky and I'm already hanging by a thread with them, I have to basically create a whole new body of work just for that show. So I'm trying to crank out as many paintings as possible. Honestly if that show wasn't such a huge money maker, I wouldn't bother. The people who run it are kind of a pain int he ass. But, putting in a 6 hour work day and making a few thousand dollars makes it worth dealing with their crap. The firs OC ev
  8. I was taught from a pretty young age that I'm not allowed to be happy. When I was growing up if something made me happy my parents would find some reason to take it away from me. I learned not to get excited about anything, not to look forward to anything, etc. So, as an adult when I start to feel really good it's almost like subconsciously hovering over the panic button. Like ok, this isn't right. I hate it. I wish there was an easy way to just make it go away.
  9. Last night my dead ex husband made an appearance in my dream. There was this girl who was dying of cancer and she was only 16. She was really into the Gothic subculture. My ex and I went to see her at this house that I've been to before. It was my Aunt Ella's house, which is weird because I haven't been there in over 20 years and my Aunt Ella hasn't lived there for a really long time. But we went and saw this girl and she was really soft spoken with a really velvety voice. She had long black hair with bangs like Betty Page. I used to carry this Tripp purse with me a lot back when I
  10. Well, oddly enough I think my therapy appointment on Friday was the reason for this. I haven't seen a therapist since August and there was just a lot of pent up crap coming out. My OCD is very relationship-centric. And up until now all I've ever known are bad relationships. Having now idea how to navigate a healthy relationship and bracing myself for bad things to happen has been an issue lately. I just keep questioning myself. I get into arguments with myself about things that can't be proven. Like, What if I don't love her enough? What if I'm too f'ed up to even be with anyone?
  11. I dreamt last night that L and I both worked at the old movie theater where my ex husband and I had our film premier back in 2007. The building is still there, but it was converted into a church a long time ago. But in my dream universe it's apparently still a theater. The owner was this short, stocky balding guy named Larry who was a real perv and hit on all the girls. And it seemed like I was the only one who had a problem with this. It was an all female staff, and Larry was always slapping asses, making sexual comments, etc. He had an assistant who was this tall drop dead go
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