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  1. So, got about a week and a half till OC Indianapolis. I still have 3 paintings to finish. Why do I do this to myself? I set my expectations so high. I'm a demanding boss. But only to myself. My employees all think I'm pretty chill. Z loves her new job. She's been there 3 weeks and feels perfectly at home. And she brings home lots of delicious healthy organic food too, which is awesome. I'm already thinking about this epic breakfast I'm going to cook myself tomorrow with stuff she brought home today. If anyone is wondering why I'm not cooking for her too, it's because she doesn't really do breakfast. And also, her work day doesn't start as early as mine. I'm usually walking out the door right after she comes downstairs. Zombie Dust beer is really good. If there are any beer connoisseurs reading this. I have one day to get through tomorrow, and then I'm off four days. Last chance to get everything done for the show. We've decided the weekend we are out of town will be a fun weekend. It's our first trip together. When I was with D, with him it was like, get there, do show, leave. Z and I are meeting up with a friend of mine who lives there and going to hang out and actually have a good time. The hotel we're staying at has a pool and a hot tub. We are taking sexy clothes and getting all dressed up. We are both getting our hair colored for this trip, etc. Yea I know Indianapolis isn't exactly a glamorous city. But we are at the end of a pandemic and it's going to be fun just to go somewhere. Before this all started we both were active people. I'm getting a huge tax refund this year. I want to put some work into the upstairs bathroom. I also want some new tattoos. We'll have to see what costs what.
  2. Well, last few days have been interesting here. Z is having a real problem with insomnia. So she tried melatonin. I'm not sure if I'm spelling that right and right now I just don't feel like googling it, I'll admit it. Well, idk if it could have been an interaction with her meds or what, but this morning when I got up for work I saw her light was on. I went into her room to say hi and she was sitting on the edge of her bed, hunched over, shaking, holding her phone. She said "I'm not doing good." And it's hard to explain why but that statement alone was out of character for her. She was sweating, etc. Something wasn't right. She told me when she laid down to go to sleep she started having a really bad panic attack and felt like if she went to sleep she would never wake up. I know exactly how that feels. Not only have I had panic attacks in the middle of the night and been terrified to go back to sleep for exactly that reason, but it's also happened to me a few times during Ayahuasca ceremonies. I've been on the cusp of passing out and been doing all I can to stay awake, because I was so sure if I fell asleep I would die. And looking at it from a sober perspective, so much energy was wasted even trying to stay awake in those situations. Ayahuasca can go either way... you could be up for days after ingesting it, or you could pass out almost immediately. If it decides it's going to put you to sleep, then you're going to sleep. It would be like trying to stay awake after being anesthetized. But anyway, she came downstairs with me and she was really scared. She said she debated on going to the hospital. She said she thought she was having a heart attack for a minute, etc. I decided right then I was not going to work today. No way I was leaving her alone in that state. So we went upstairs to her room, cuddled up in bed and watched a horror movie. She thanked me for staying home with her. I know what it's like to have a really bad panic attack, and I know it sucks even more when you're all by yourself. She also told me she will never take Melatonin again. She was feeling better, so we laid down and went to sleep for a couple hours. It's so rare that we actually sleep together. We have our reasons for having separate rooms. I know a lot of people probably think that's weird. I'm loving the warm weather and we hope to have a fire outside in the sideyard this weekend. Last summer... we had a bonfire almost every weekend when the weather permitted it. You never knew who would top by, etc. Some nights we sat out there till 5AM. Z has this huge tent that she put up out there by the fire pit. We put it up there because we were going to all camp out because K really wanted to. Well, there were a lot of nights where we had the full campout experience but didn't actually sleep outside. It would get late and then everyone would just come inside and sleep in our comfy beds, and no one had a problem with that, even K. But I will not lie... Z and I made some pretty good memories in the tent, 🙂 Our kitten, Muse, is in heat. She's yowling, walking around with her little butt up in the air all day. We are planning to get her fixed soon. Yesterday morning I made a $600 sale. That is my biggest sale so far to a single person. The guy already has a few of my paintings. He's Greek and I don't know what he does for a living but he's got some money to throw around. He bought two of my newest paintings and two old ones from me yesterday. He also asked me to hook him up with some Shrooms. Since my work is really trippy, it's not the first time I've been asked stuff like that. I also have a client I've never met in person who lives in the Indianapolis area. He offered to take Z and I out to dinner when we are in town. He commissioned a painting from me and I will be handing it over that weekend. He was like, "Yea and I would also love to hang out with you and your girl while you are in town, if you feel up for it." Then I had to figure out a tactful way to ask him if by hanging out he actually means just hanging out and isn't expecting something else. I told him I'm sorry I have to ask that, but this day in age you never know and I just didn't want to give the wrong impression. Thankfully he was really understanding about me asking that question. It amazes me how many guys I know who have propositioned me in that way since Z and I got together. I don't really understand why they think now that I am in a relationship with her we just want to have threesomes with guys all the time. And these are all guys who claim to be completely straight, etc. A lot of straight people are curious about trans people even if they won't outright admit it. And Z is just fine AF, so it doesn't surprise me that a lot of people want to sleep with her. She's hot as hell as a woman and she's hot as hell as a man. She just has that allure about her. She's very animated and she's very magnetic. Her eyes are a rare color and I know that draws a lot of people in. You can't help but notice her eyes right off the bat. I am starting to get out of that "What the hell does she want with me?" mentality, because I am forcing myself to. Basic laws of attraction... people usually end up with someone about on their level of physical attractiveness. Perfect tens usually date other tens. Average looking people generally date average looking people. And ugly people get with ugly people. I consider myself to be very ugly. But yet most of the people I've dated have been good looking, even if not in a really conventional way. I gravitate toward more unusual looking people than anything else. I am not attracted to people who fit the cookie cutter norm when it comes to looks. But all that aside, if I am dating attractive people, then I must be attractive on some level. D had girls hitting on him all the time, sometimes even right in front of me. Z has people hitting on her all the time. So at least my last two relationships were with physically desirable people. So I must look better than I give myself credit for. I finished my Mad Hatter painting finally. It's a more adult, very psychedelic take on the Mad Hatter. I've been working on it for two weeks. Its Cheshire Cat counterpart sold yesterday. So now I'm working on a painting of a woman and a Crow, and another one of a stairway down to Hell. Trying to stick to darker subject matters right now for Indie. So, I should probably wrap this up and sleep. 4AM will be here before I know it.
  3. Yea, it's getting annoying. K cleans a lot though. He will ask me for certain tasks. He likes sweeping the kitchen floor. He also likes taking out the trash. Sometimes he wants to do big things though that he can't really do. Like last Saturday he really wanted to rearrange the furniture in the living room by himself. I had to put a stop to that, lol. He was moving the Lizard's cage across the floor, and wanted to put it in front of the couch. (He has a pet bearded dragon.) Z has all this stuff she wants to do every day that involves being up earlier. And every night I hear all about it. She is so motivated to get up early and get all this stuff done. Then she sleeps till 3 or 4 n the afternoon, sits and drinks coffee and plays XBOX till anywhere from 10-Midnight, then can't sleep and wonders why she can't get up earlier. I told her try cutting the coffee out a little earlier every night, then she will fall asleep earlier every night. But she never does this. This new job that she is probably going to get... work day starts at 7AM every day. She's going to have to get used to getting up a little after I do every day.
  4. Feeling completely gutted today. I wish I knew the reason I was born with this affliction. I was doing so well for a while there. I try to remember every bad time I have that it won't last forever and that good days will come again. These last couple days have just really sucked. Z hasn't had a job for over two weeks now. And every day I hear all about how she wants to stop sleeping so late and clean more and stuff. And every day I get home from work and she's still asleep. And then that night I hear the same thing from her. Well, um, alarm...? I'm up every day at 4AM. I wish I could just sleep all day. I know she feels really down on herself right now because she's unemployed. But I'm sure sleeping all day and sitting up all night drinking coffee and playing XBox doesn't help. Right now I work more hours than anyone else in this house, and me and the flippin' 8 year old who live here do more cleaning than anyone else. I know it may seem trivial, but to someone with OCD this kind of stuff can completely f up our life temporarily. Like the situation with Z... even though I know her to be a better person than this, still the thoughts keep running through my head. Like ok, is she going to end up like my ex husband sitting around on her ass all day for years while I work two jobs? All I can do is hope not.
  5. I seriously worry about how it's going to be for my nephew growing up in this society. Especially considering he's male. Is he gonig to grow up feeling guilty and like he has to apologize for being white and male? Like he had a choice, lol. I've been called a racist multiple times throughout my adult life. And I have no problem with anyone for their skin color/ethnicity/cultural background, etc. I was raised by serious racists, though. When I was a kid my parents pretty much hated anyone who isn't white, straight and from the US. I mean, even if someone was white but from another country they were scum in my parents' eyes. When I was a sophomore in high school I had a crush on a German exchange student. My step Grandma told me that was wrong and it was a sin. When I asked her why she said "Because God made different countries and he wants everyone to stick to their own kind. It's in the Bible." That's so nuts. So, even though it sucked that my parents were that bigoted, it wasn't entirely their fault. They were raised that way. My biological Dad's parents were really bigoted also and so were my Mom's parents. So rather than grow up to be like them I decided I would be the one to break the cycle. And I think the whole younger generation of my family thought that way, too. And while both my Dads are dead now, I can at least say that my Mom doesn't think that way anymore. I think it's party because she got older and wiser and partly because of the younger generation in our family. She has two LGBTQ children. Before she just thought all LGBTQ people were perverts and degenerates. (Which is really interesting... considering my biological father lived his whole life as a closeted Bisexual. He had various affairs with guys all throughout their marriage.) Then when she learned that my sister is Gay and that I'm Bi, I think she probably realized her daughters aren't perverts and degenerates, so therefore all LGBTQ people aren't that way. She has also been really excepting of my Trans cousin when other members of the family weren't. When all of us kids were younger my parents made it clear that if we ever dated anyone who wasn't white, we would be disowned. And a couple years back she actually got a crush on a black guy that shops at her store (She's a retail manager.) So it's been interesting watching my Mom evolve this way. She also told me when I was younger that if I ever got a tattoo she would disown me. My sister and I are both pretty tatted up. I have a niece named Lilly that my Mom practically raised. And a few years ago she got a tattoo of a Lilly on her shoulder. I remember years ago there was a coffee shop in my town where I hung out a lot with my little circle of Goth friends. And were were just all sitting there having our casual banter, etc, and this lady just walked up to me and casually asked me if I'm in the KKK. She said she thought that the leather wristbands I had on were a secret code and that's how KKK members spot each other out in public. I just told her no, but I was so tempted to be like, "Why are you trying to join up or what?" And a few months later there was an issue at my job with a black supervisor. He was letting power go to his head, calling female employees names, etc. And whenever anyone over his head tried to reprimand him he would just threaten to call the NAACP and sue for discrimination, etc. I made some comments about this situation along the lines of "Well it must be nice to just be able to do whatever you want at work because you can pull the race card." Etc. Well one of my former friends who was there that night at the coffee shop was "so offended" by this and her and her husband started questioning me about what I'm not telling them, etc. This became a whole big thing. She actually thought maybe I was a KKK member and just not open about it. Uh... what? So... a black supervisor at work can yell and throw fits and can call female employees names, etc, and get away with it because he's black, basically. But if it was a white guy doing it he would have been disciplined or maybe even fired. And I'm at work seeing this every day. And commenting on this situation makes me a racist and I'm being accused of being in the KKK. Stuff like this is why I don't associate with her and her husband anymore because every single thing became something it wasn't. And something else funny about her... Not too long after that happened, her and I had plans to meet up for a drink at this one bar. And I realized when we were about to leave that it's karaoke night at that bar. So I said, "Hey it's karaoke night. It's going to be really loud in there. What about going to this other place instead?" She rolled her eyes and told me she doesn't want to go to the other place I suggested because black people hang out there. Well now... what do ya' know? Deep down it's actually her who's racist. Lol. Then she tried to correct herself and act like that's not what she really meant, etc. I think a lot of these people who accuse me of thinking that way are just projecting. And I'm sure I'm not the only one they project their crap onto. I don't know why I'm such a good target. I had another friend got on me about how voting for Trump means death for people like me because I'm disabled and LGBTQ. Well uh, I didn't vote for him, lol. I've never been one of his supporters. This person also thinks all of his supporters are white supremacists, etc. So therefore she must think that about me. I don't think my race is superior. I don't think any race is superior. Race is an evolutionary thing. Our bodies evolved a certain way to adapt to certain environments. White people have white skin because it better suited our ancestors in a European climate. Same with other races. The amount of melanin in a person's skin evolved over the generations depending on what environment they lived in. It's an evolutionary trait determined by the weather and exposure to the sun. That doesn't make anyone superior.
  6. I'm sure this will not be well received but I'm getting so tired of this political correct BS. We are living in a time when everyone is offended by everything and people are so sensitive, but people are so f'ing hateful anymore. I'm sick of being accused of being a racist when I'm not. In some people's eyes saying "I'm not a racist." means you are a racist, which is ridiculous. I don't give a sh- what color a person is as long as they aren't hurting me or anyone I love. But white people aren't allowed to comment on racial issues at all. I'm white so if I say anything about any of that stuff, well then I'm a racist. I don't get why some people think the answer is to just demonize white people. And it's mostly white people doing this too, that's what I really don't get. At least in my experience... All the people who have accused me of being a racist (and there are only a few, but that's a few too many in my opinion) are white. Some of these same people have also accused me of Transphobia. Uh... I have a transgender partner. Really...? I'm Cis so I can't comment on Trans people's struggles/issues, etc without being labeled a trasnphobe even though I live with/am in a relationship with a trans person? And once again... the people whining and b-ing at me for this are also cis. So I really don't get it. I'm CIs so I have no right to comment on any issues that Trans people deal with... but you, another cis people have the right to comment on me commenting on it? Ok then. So I'm cis and white... Jeez if I were also straight and male I would really be screwed, lol. Cis white straight males didn't ask to be born that way. But a lot of the butthurt snowflakes I know act like they are evil. Oh you're a cis white straight male so you better keep your mouth shut. Just sit around grunting, scratching your balls and watching sports like society expects dude. Lol If my business wasn't so dependent on social media I would have unplugged a while ago. Especially over the last year without shows going on, without Facebook I would have been so screwed. And these people aren't strangers. A lot of them have known me for years. They are just people who got sucked into this SJW keyboard warrior culture. Ok... you're so worried about everyone's feelings. But have you even stopped to consider that the people you are pointing your finger at and accusing have feelings too? And a lot of them claim they are just trying to inform/educate me. Like I can't inform/educate myself? Like I need them to show me the way because I'm just some dumb ignorant cis white woman who is just so clueless about the world. Most of them have lived privileged upper-middle class lives in the midwest with nice parents, etc. I really just want to tell some of these people to stfu. But I know that wouldn't make me any better.
  7. I haven't written much lately because I've been working my ass off getting ready for OC Indianapolis. Yea, I still have 7 weeks to go. But since they are so damn picky and I'm already hanging by a thread with them, I have to basically create a whole new body of work just for that show. So I'm trying to crank out as many paintings as possible. Honestly if that show wasn't such a huge money maker, I wouldn't bother. The people who run it are kind of a pain int he ass. But, putting in a 6 hour work day and making a few thousand dollars makes it worth dealing with their crap. The firs OC event I did I didn't even have time to change before things got crazy. We set up the morning of, so I was in jeans and a T-Shirt with no makeup, etc. My plan was to go and change and pretty up after the booth was done being set up. But before the show even started officially, there were already a dozen or so people in the booth wanting to buy stuff. And it was like that all day. So I did the whole show in my setup clothes. They market their event as being an event that showcases all kinds of non traditional art. They are all, "Yes, we are the all things wacky and weird show! Come and see all the strange and unusual art!" They are so strict about how every booth looks and about how the vendors themselves look that it almost seems hypocritical. They banned me at the end of 2019 because according to them my booth didn't look Goth enough for their show. Practically everything in my booth is black or purple. Idk how Goth they want it. Do they want me to bring a bunch of Halloween decorations with me next time? After some brown nosing and sending them a bunch of pics of my booth, I finally was able to talk them into letting me back in, but they demoted me to the smallest booth possible. I had a 10x15 booth there for multiple shows. Now I'm in a 6x8 booth. And when you walk around at these events, about a third of the booths there are selling taxidermy. What's so Goth about Taxidermy? I grew up in the midwest where everybody and their brother is a hunter. Seeing Deer heads on walls is really normal in my part of the world. So maybe it's just normalized for me, idk. I've never seen a deer head on someone's wall and thought, "OMG, that's so Goth!" And then about another third of the booths there are selling New Age, Wiccan, Spirituality related stuff. So only about a third of the vendors are artists. I realize that Taxidermy takes a lot of skill and craftsmanship, but I don't think of it as art. Mainly because a taxidermist is taking a dead animal and stuffing it. It doesn't require the same level of creativity as doing a painting or a sculpture, etc. And, from what I've seen a lot of the art being sold there isn't Gothic either. So I don't know what their obsession is with everyone's booth having to look so Goth. And I'm all about the Goth subculture. I've been into that look and all that since I was a teenager. It's not that I have a problem with it. It just doesn't make a ton of sense in this context. And then you have people like my ex, D, who doesn't adhere to that at all but still gets to sell there and as far as I know no one has said a thing to him about his look/the look of his booth. His booth has the look of an old country fair booth. His displays are all wooden. He uses green and brown table covers. And he also dresses really preppy at shows. Why is it that the rest of the vendors have to look a certain way but he doesn't? I'm guessing he probably has just paid them off. I still think they got us mixed up and they think my booth is the wooden old country looking booth. Because when I had to send them some additional pics a while back they asked me why his booth was in the background. Uh... that's my booth in the background. It will be so hilarious if he shows up in Indie and starts setting up and they make him take everything down and leave because his booth doesn't look a certain way. And if that happens, he will throw a massive tantrum and make a total ass of himself. I just have this image in my head of him and Julie making the walk of shame (Over and over because they won't be able to carry everything out in one trip) out of the event and having to walk right by my booth every time. I'll make sure to give them a big smile. So, enough about that... Z had to go to the ER the other night. Thankfully everything is ok. She started on new meds recently and she felt like she was going to pass out at work. She felt really dizzy and short of breath, so they told her to clock out and go to the ER. And, it turns out her new job isn't working out as well as she hoped. At first she was so happy to be out of the Taxi company and back in a restaurant. But then she started seeing how unprofessional it is there. Everyone, management included, sits around doing drugs on the clock. And she said the kitchen is really disgusting. As someone with a background working in high end restaurants she just was so disgusted by the way things are there. Friday night she was getting ready for work and I was in my room sitting on my bed playing on my laptop. She came into my room and I could tell something was wrong. Just the look on her face. She said, "Would you think less of me if I quit?" I told her no because I can tell she's really unhappy. And I know she will find something else really fast. She told me she just ha higher standards for herself and doesn't want to be a part of any of that. She spent yesterday filling out apps online. K was ff school a couple days last week because of all the snow. I think it was Tuesday I took a personal day from work because the taxi company straight up told me they weren't going to be able to get me to work. We were on a level 2. I have the personal time, so why not? Well, L also took that day off. And K was sledding down the hill in my side yard. He was all excited and asked me and L to watch him. So we were out there and it took him forever to get up the hill with the sled because it was so slippery. Then he jumps on the sled on his belly, headfirst. Then he couldn't stop himself and he went flying right across the driveway and straight into the side of the house. He was fine. L and I had a good laugh about it. He actually got in trouble at school last week because he keeps wanting to kiss all the girls. I guess at recess one day a bunch of the kids all went off into a corner of the playground and all played some kissing game. And K liked it and now he wants to keep doing it. L and I were talking and she was like, "I don't know where he got that from. It's not like he sees me kissing guys or sees his dad kissing girls. We don't do that in front of him." He has seen Z and I kiss each other though. It's not like we just make out and get all passionate in front of him. But he has seen us kiss each other goodnight, etc. But even then, I'm sure he's seen people kiss in movies/ on TV, etc. His Dad is concerned about some of the music he's hearing and stuff while at my house. He hangs out with me in the art room a lot when I'm working. But when he's in here I don't play anything offensive. He likes Tool and Pink Floyd because of me. But I always keep it PG when he's around. L doesn't care though. She will play/watch anything in front of him. He was at his Paternal grandma's house and said he wanted to play a song for her. The song he played was Damn by Jeris Johnson. Grandma wasn't too happy. L plays that song all the time. So now there's some conflict between L and her ex about what he's being exposed to here. When I was his age my parents didn't care what I saw/heard either. In some ways that was a good thing. But I also saw some pretty disturbing things before I should have.
  8. I was taught from a pretty young age that I'm not allowed to be happy. When I was growing up if something made me happy my parents would find some reason to take it away from me. I learned not to get excited about anything, not to look forward to anything, etc. So, as an adult when I start to feel really good it's almost like subconsciously hovering over the panic button. Like ok, this isn't right. I hate it. I wish there was an easy way to just make it go away.
  9. Last night my dead ex husband made an appearance in my dream. There was this girl who was dying of cancer and she was only 16. She was really into the Gothic subculture. My ex and I went to see her at this house that I've been to before. It was my Aunt Ella's house, which is weird because I haven't been there in over 20 years and my Aunt Ella hasn't lived there for a really long time. But we went and saw this girl and she was really soft spoken with a really velvety voice. She had long black hair with bangs like Betty Page. I used to carry this Tripp purse with me a lot back when I used to go clubbing every weekend. And all my accessories and my makeup were kept in it. I had that purse with me and I gave her one of my bracelets from it. My ex gave her something too but I don't remember what it was.
  10. Well, oddly enough I think my therapy appointment on Friday was the reason for this. I haven't seen a therapist since August and there was just a lot of pent up crap coming out. My OCD is very relationship-centric. And up until now all I've ever known are bad relationships. Having now idea how to navigate a healthy relationship and bracing myself for bad things to happen has been an issue lately. I just keep questioning myself. I get into arguments with myself about things that can't be proven. Like, What if I don't love her enough? What if I'm too f'ed up to even be with anyone? Etc. It also doesn't help that I've been pretty sick since Tuesday. I just can't shake whatever this is. I was off work for two days but then I had to go back to work and start functioning normally with flu symptoms every day. And then on top of that (Sorry if this is gross) but It's my first, uh, time of the month in about 4 years. I haven't had a period since I got my IUD and now suddenly I'm having it. I'm sure that's not helping my mental health. I'm so bad about going down bad rabbit holes and thinking about all the bad things that could happen. Z started on anti-depressants yesterday. And I just kept thinking about all the bad side effects of the particular drug she's on. HRT has already changed her personality in some ways. So now are SSRIs going to change it more? I have no way of knowing. My life was constant chaos as a kid. That was all I knew and now that things are calm, I'm just bracing myself for chaos. In my experience things don't work out. The guy doesn't get the girl. The bully doesn't get their karma. The nice person always gets screwed. Life is just a series of bad things with a little good thrown in once in a while. Well, now things have been good for a while, so I'm just waiting... like ok... when is it all going to turn to sh*t?
  11. I dreamt last night that L and I both worked at the old movie theater where my ex husband and I had our film premier back in 2007. The building is still there, but it was converted into a church a long time ago. But in my dream universe it's apparently still a theater. The owner was this short, stocky balding guy named Larry who was a real perv and hit on all the girls. And it seemed like I was the only one who had a problem with this. It was an all female staff, and Larry was always slapping asses, making sexual comments, etc. He had an assistant who was this tall drop dead gorgeous dark skinned girl with black curly hair. I don't remember her name. But she told me one day that Larry wanted to have a private meeting with me and that it was mandatory if I want to keep my job. I was talking to L about it and she was like, "Well everyone else had to do it with him. I did too." Then they put me in charge of making the schedule so I just took myself off the schedule and left.
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