Princess777

Hello Icc, I sympathize with you because I have a similar situation but I am the wife, and the "Jekyll-Hyde" one is my husband. I made a post on this site in the "Love" Forum under "Understanding Your Partner" called "Ex-Con husbands mood swings" if you'd like to read it. He does the same thing you describe your wife doing. He can be the nicest person to everyone else but I guess I am the one he "dumps" on when he's having a bad day. Although my husband doesn't usually say "you don't love me", he usually puts me down verbally or insults the way I do things if it's not the way he would do them when he is in one of his moods. His moods change with the wind and are very unpredictable. I do the same thing you do.... I have named his moods, too, and prepare myself for them. He has similar ones to what you described. Anyway, since hearing this probably isn't helping you ---I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one. I think what it comes down to is whether or not you want to stick with her even if she never changes. That is what I'm trying to figure out. But it seems that every time I try to follow through with leaving him, I know I'd be miserable without him so I keep plugging along. Since you are not married yet you are in a much better position. You have the power to walk away right now and it will be so much easier than afterward. I know that dealing with it is awful and makes you feel bad about yourself. If I would have paid more attention to the red flags in the beginning, I probably wouldn't have broke it off, but I definitely would have waited before marrying to see if he changed after working with his anger management. You might try suggesting a second opinion from a different doctor than the one she's seeing now, and offer to go with her. This will let her know that you care. Also I find that as hard as it may be, the nicer I am to my husband, the nicer he is to me because he begins to feel guilty for his moody actions. He has told me before that it is extremely difficult for him to say "I'm sorry" and his way of saying that is saying "Do you want to go out for awhile?" Weird I know. Maybe she has that problem to? Does she act controlling toward you? I also find that if I do random things for him that I know he'll appreciate, he tends to soften his tone. I hope things get better for you. You are the only one who knows how long you can put up with it..... Good luck!!! Princess777

Interpoet, This is an unfortunate situation. I feel for you. I would love to be able to take away the pain this man has caused you, and give you some good advice but I think you already know what you have to do. You said you're leaving soon for college - a good thing! Try to take this lesson and keep it in mind the next time a player hits on you. It is already a good thing that you knew he was a player from the beginning - try to pay more attention to the red flags in the future instead of getting caught up in the moment. Believe me I know it's hard when someone flatters you and knows exactly what to say and do to make you feel good about yourself. Good luck!!! Princess777

Sminty Minty, Thank you so much for taking the time to review my post. I love helping others with problems but it seems when I have some of my own I just get confused and don't know what to do. I needed an objective point of view. I know he does use anger management sometimes, and his temper has greatly improved since I first met him. He has done so many good things for me which I haven't mentioned, and he is a wonderful provider. Thank you again for your help! I value your opinion very much. Princess777

I find myself walking on eggshells around my husband, trying not to set him off. It's becoming almost unbearable because I don't know which mood he's going to be in until I walk into the room and I instantly know. I know that he loves me more than anything in this world and I love him more than anything too, but how can I possibly deal with his moods? At one point he told me he would get help and acknowledged the problem, but he never did follow through. I find myself slowly withdrawing from him because when I ask a question or say something, he usually criticizes the way I say it or the reason for saying it. I know it's a control issue but is there any advice out there? Thanks, Princess777

Hi Steve, I think the main problem here is your age difference. I know most women don't know what they want in life until they are at least 29 or 30. Then it all hits home. You are much older and mature than she when it comes to family values, it sounds like. It is wonderful that you do not go out without her and it sounds like you are devoted to her. She is taking this for granted. Unfortunately, most women under 30 do not appreciate a good man and are still "searching" for themselves and their own self-esteem and are not well grounded. From what you are saying, it doesn't seem that you are doing anything wrong, but there are 2 sides to every story. Being a married woman, what you describe is very common, so don't think you're the only couple who fight. It devastates me when my husband and I fight, and he has a temper too. I would suggest that you arrange for a babysitter for a night or a weekend and take her somewhere nice, or even plan a quiet evening at home. Tell her that you are hurt that you had the argument and that you want to make things right. Tell her exactly how you feel. Remind her that you would never cheat on her, and that you do not go out without her to bars. Ask her if she can imagine growing old with you, and think about what it would be like to grow old with her. No marriage is perfect and I am struggling with this reality also! I wanted the perfect marriage, most people do! But the reality is that no one is happy all the time and I guess we just have to decide if being with that person is more important than dealing with the hurdles like this. Hope this helps. Let me know! Princess777

Let me reassure you, as the site says, you are not alone! Whenever my husband and I argue, it tears me apart inside and I constantly find myself monitoring the little things like you mention and worry that he loves me less as a result. You are not retarded. One thing that I have discovered about most men is that when they argue, they tend to hash it out and then they usually just get over it and forget about it. Unlike we women, they can let things go a lot easier than we can. I think it's just their nature. I am no expert but I have studied relationships quite a bit. After an argument, I want closure that is satisfying to ME, even though he is already satisfied with the make up, and that "beating a dead horse" gets old to him. When I find myself feeling insecure about his seemingly spiteful antics after we have made up, I make a list of the facts. (i.e. you are still his only one, etc.) That will usually get me back in check. And the biggest thing to always remember is that you cannot control how another person acts, only yourself, and if you monitor him too closely it will drive him away. I hope some of this helps.... P.

Coming from a female point of view, she is the type of person who will never change. Show me one that has and I'll eat my keyboard. I know many females that have been like this for years. While no one can predict the future, I am a firm believer in the saying that Actions Speak Louder Than Words. Always remember that and you won't go wrong. Actions show how much a person loves someone. Consider yourself truly lucky that you found out now, before you married her!!! You are obviously a great catch whom a marriage-minded woman would be thrilled to have, knowing that you have strong values for your marriage and take it seriously. Don't believe anything she says - she is a female Player and is no better than a man who does that to a woman. She's not worth the salt in your tears and was probably cheating on you a long time ago but never got caught. Just remember what goes around comes around and she'll get hers, in the end. Let yourself meet some new women and know that you are worth more than that!!! Believe me you will know it when you fall head over heels, there will be no doubts. P777