Princess777

Hi J Rocc - I suggest you begin by just smiling at her when you see her, and saying "Hi" in the halls or at lunch. It may sound easy and old fashioned but it's better than just coming up to her out of the blue when she's never seen you before - that might freak her out and she might think you've been watching her. So do this for a little while then just approach her one day (if she doesn't approach you first!) and ask her if she'd like to have lunch with you or ask her if you can walk her home. If she's interested at all she should respond to one of those actions. .... Above all, be yourself, don't try to be someone you're not just to impress her. Good luck! Princess777

Thank you for the chance to read it, however, Just giving my opinion............. (don't think I'm lashing out at YOU here OK)) That article sounded pretty one-sided and selfish to me. I have heard the theory before that he was speaking of, but it's a matter of self control and choice in the end. Men may have a natural instinct to sow their seeds but they could at least break off the current relationship first. There is no excuse for it at all. Women cheat too, so I wonder if they have the same natural instinct to be with a lot of men??? The same is true for them. It's all a choice we make, and nothing else. I guess that guy doesn't realize that certain factors such as being pregnant with your man's baby does things to your body that you cannot control, chasing kids around with paper towels and the fact that hormones cause women to think and act differently than normal didn't come to his mind. While women can work to take the weight off after the baby's born or whatever, there's the remaining fact that men sometimes don't help out with things around the house and the woman is too tired to "give" them sex after working full time and playing mom. Just my opinion. I'm not overweight or anything but I have been through all that, and if they want to cheat they could at least tell the woman they're splitting up with them before they go out and do it. That is the least they could do instead of blaming it on evolution. Princess777

Hi Sabena, Have you thought about trying the old adage, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em?" What I mean is, are you in a situation with this girl where you could possibly become friends? Before you freak and think, Oh my God I hate her, etc.... please think about it. The problem I see here is that she likes to do some of the same things that he does, and that's what is attracting him to her, not her as a person. I don't think he wants to 'be' with her - you said he is faithful to you, told her how it is, etc. He seems alright in that department. I know it's not easy to just start liking different activities, but maybe suggest a spontaneous adventure with your boyfriend to show him that you too are exciting and unpredictable so he will appreciate those qualities in you and he won't have time to think about doing things with her. Maybe if you try a different angle and be friendly to her, you won't feel the green-eyed monster so much. I've found that if you kill people with kindness they'll usually respect you a lot more than if you snarl at them...and plus she'll feel bad about coming onto him when you're not around if she knows how nice you are. You win both ways.... you never know, she might be a nice person but you will never know as long as you view her as the enemy. If she balks at your attempts to become friends, at least your b/f will see that you tried and he will respect you for it. It will only make her look bad if she doesn't respond favorably. Let me know how it works out.... Princess777

Hi all, I think I should probably clarify some things so you understand why it's so difficult for me to leave.... he is a good man in many ways. I know where he is all the time - either at work or home, or with me. He does not go out without me. So there would be no time to cheat on me. I am good at spotting a cheater and he's not one. There are no indications that he has cheated or will.... He does not do any kind of drugs or anything illegal. We live together with my son. He is a very hard worker, and gives me all of his money and we pay the bills together every month. I have heard that it is impossible for him to change while he is with me, and that he has to do it on his own, with no one to support him. Is that true??? Thank you all so much for your support..... you have NO idea how comforting it is to get some feedback. Thanks, Princess777

Lucy, I wouldn't worry too much about the fact that he kept it from you, (I know that hurts though) but the fact is that he did tell you the truth when you asked him, so give him credit for that. If this is the only time you've found to distrust him, you're doing well! Talk to him and ask him if he plans to quit. Funny I read this post, because my husband just told me a few days ago that he quit smoking it when we met because I had told him my views on it and I didn't even know he had smoked it before we met. He quit because he knew I wouldn't approve but he didn't tell me either. I think you're okay... just talk to him and tell him how much you dislike keeping secrets and see if maybe he'll quit. Try to help him quit if you can. good luck Princess777

Hi all again, I am writing again because I wonder if anyone understands what I'm going through and I have no idea how to get through this. By reading my past posts, you can gather quickly that my family and friends all dislike my husband. He has really bad mood swings and it's driving me crazy. How do I know if it's just me??????? Should I be thankful that I have a man who would never cheat on me and who doesn't even look at other women, doesn't go out without me, who cooks and cleans for me, who fixes my car every time there's something wrong, fixes everything around the house, etc..etc... but has this one fault? Is this fault of his big enough to leave him over???? I'm a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Princess777

Radiofoot, You are obviously VERY depressed right now, angry, hurt, and alone. Glad you came here to talk with us. I hope someone else gives you some advice too, but I'll tell you what I can. First of all, depending upon someone else to make you happy is a losing battle. You will never, ever win that way. Please try to break yourself of that. I know it's so hard right now for you. I'm sure you're very intelligent and have an attractive personality - she's the one missing out! You sound like you came to the realization that you actually fell in love with this girl, regardless of her weight gain, and that fact scared you because she had that power over you. Now you are extremely frustrated because she isn't in sync with you. In some ways, this is a good thing! Just because she doesn't appreciate that, doesn't mean your feelings are invalid. They just ARE. You have the ability to love someone for who they are, not for what they look like or what they can give you. You gave her plenty of chances to come back to you. I'm inclined to think she's "playing the field" since she just turned 21. She's seeing a whole new side of life (drinking legally) and unfortunately right now she feels you're crowding that. You must be older and/or more mature? (guessing) Being an "oldster" at 33 (as compared to a lot of people on this website) I know that alcohol is a bad thing that can consume oneself and their family. Long story there but I've seen a LOT of damage it can do. I don't need to preach to you about that.... as for your poor, poor broken heart , I would suggest you take some time for a short road trip alone to sort yourself out. Buy a good book on self-improvement on the topic of your choice, (I know it sounds trite but there are some really great ones out there that can help you more than you think), I don't know what kind of environment you live in but find yourself a comfortable place to spend the weekend and keep telling yourself that you are a good person and that just because she isn't your girlfriend anymore doesn't make you less of a man. You are still the same great guy! Feel free to P.M. me or post another message for support here. We're here for ya! Princess777

Sparker, I am so sorry you are experiencing this pain. It must be so confusing for you, and bewildering. You probably are a little angry at her along with being hurt and concerned. Understandable!!! Having much experience in the marriage category, I can tell you that it is extremely common for a woman's sex drive to diminish when the children are young. I'll tell you why I personally had this problem in my first marriage....I was exhausted all the time from doing housework, errands, childcare, working full time, paying bills, going to appointments, keeping the checkbook balanced, etc. and it just consumed me to the point where I didn't have time to want it, and was too tired to do it. Do you help her with all of the above, and do you know what is going on with all that stuff? If you feel you actually do your share, then she may need to see a doctor to get some help with that. I don't know your personal situation but just telling you what I know from experience. The first year is difficult, but I was married for 10 years and he cheated on me because of the same thing you're talking about, so the time span didn't matter and things didn't get better. We went to counseling but it was too late, I just couldn't forgive him so we divorced. Don't wait until it's too late, try to work things out if you are still IN LOVE with her. Princess777

Hi xoxoxo, I just had to reply to this even though you already have lots of advice here. Another perspective perhaps. PLEASE don't think I'm being mean, I just want you to think about something,,,, You said she is your best friend of 15 years and this guy she's been married to for 4 years is also a friend. To me, it's a no-brainer. She's your best friend or she isn't. If you broke up with a guy after 4 years would you expect your best friend to be torn between the 2 of you? I know everyone is different and I'm just throwing this out there.... Guys will come and go but best friends are forever until you see a reason to end it. Is this the reason? Our best friends are just that because we love them for who they are, not judge them for what they do. I know that if my best friend went out and did something really stupid I might not approve but I'd still love her. Cause she has been there for me in the past through my roughest times, and never left me out in the cold. I really think you're playing with fire here if you don't support your best friend through this..... it just doesn't look right to be trying to comfort him like you would her. Maybe what she did is heartless and she didn't think this through, but that is beside the point. Talk to her about it, tell her how you feel, and maybe she'll reconsider. Tell her that her husband has been there for 4 years and ask her if she wants to talk to you about why she's doing this. There may be reasons you don't know about that she is embarrassed to tell you. Contrary to what a lot of people think, a marriage holds truths that only the husband and wife know, and that's the way it should be. I am by no means discounting your friendship with them, but it is probably something that they need to work out on their own and unfortunately your concern won't matter much in her final decision. Again, I am just trying to give you a different perspective from a married person... I realize what you're going through is awful and I am sorry to hear about it. I hope you can talk to your friend and help her through this time if she will let you. Good luck...... Princess777

Dear Mr. Furious, It all depends upon the girl and the cause of the fallout. What did you do or what happened that you need to woo her back? Were you previously dating and for how long? Like Sabena, I agree to be totally honest and just tell her that you really care for her and you want to make things right between you. Apologize for any behavior that you actually feel sorry for, and above all, respect her. Show her that you're serious by proving your feelings. Hope this helps. Princess777

Chardonna, Covering up for things he might not like sounds like you were ashamed of what you did. So think about things more before you do them, i.e. ask yourself questions all the time. For instance, when you're out and about, ask yourself, "If my b/f was here right now, would he approve of the way I was acting?" or better yet, not to be such a people pleaser, "Do I really feel proud of the way I am acting? Do I command respect everywhere I go, and do people look up to me? Maybe asking yourself these questions will help build your self esteem where you don't have to lie to seem like someone else. Glad to hear you're not lying like you were. That's a really bad habit that turns people away quickly. As for the guy, all you can do is tell him the TRUTH from now on, ask him to give you a chance to prove to him that you're serious about respecting him. If he gives you that chance, it is his choice. Unfortunately you cannot control others, you can only tell them what you prefer to happen. Good luck!!!!! Princess777

Sabena, Sorry to hear about your problem!!! I know how jealousy can just consume you. It does that to me too. My opinion on this is that if you are uncomfortable with it, tell him that you PREFER that he not associate with her. Don't demand it, this will just push him away. See how he reacts, of course I'm sure you've already told him that you don't want him around her. In that case, take him aside and say that you are sorry you got jealous, but you love him so much, and that you would just PREFER that he not spend time with her, but that you realize you cannot control his actions and that it is his choice. Then, when he makes his choice you can react however you see fit to that. Actions speak louder than words, so you'll be able to tell his true feelings for you and how you "rate" in his book. This way you're not controlling him, you're giving him the freedom to make the decision to either upset you or please you. It takes the guilt off you. Let me know how it works out. Princess777

Hi Chardonna, First of all, thank you for allowing us to review your post. I commend you for being so honest about your lying. That is a great indication that you want to improve yourself!!!! While reading your post, I was wondering how old you are. Evidently you are at least 21. Lying has become more than just a problem for others, it seems to be a problem that you cannot control for some reason. Do you know WHY you lie and cannot tell the truth? Do you know WHY it is difficult to be faithful or to just tell a guy that's hitting on you flat out, "Sorry, not interested" and turn the other way without making conversation? It's not hard to do, and they'll get the hint. You don't have to talk 30 seconds, let alone 5-10 minutes. To me, anything more than saying "Not interested" is flirting. Put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes. If he lied to you as much as you have to him, how would you feel? His behavior is perfectly understandable, less the physical abuse. You don't have to be subjected to that. But in his defense, lying is something that most people cannot tolerate and it brings out the worst reactions. I would advise you to read books on self-control and self-confidence, and of course you knew you were going to hear this one: get professional counseling if you can afford it. I would sit him down and apologize honestly (only if you mean it) for your past behavior, tell him you realize you have this problem but you want to make things right so you are taking steps to correct it. You may be better off taking some time off from men while you sort yourself out. Good luck... Princess777

I left and stayed in a motel last night. I feel that I have to leave my husband, due to numerous reasons. I won't see him again until tonight and I am a mess. Princess777

I am the only friend my husband has ever had and the only one he has ever loved. I have never been so in love and I am the happiest I've ever been in a relationship. My parents do not approve of him though, and as a result, my relationship with them has dwindled to almost nothing. My friends don't approve either but they don't say much. It has tormented me from the beginning but I love my husband SO much that I hoped they would come around someday and accept him. I just don't see it happening.... Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you, Princess777

Lanni, Unfortunately you are in a very, very bad situation. You probably knew you were going to get some bashing on this topic, but let's not bash each other -- this is meant to be a helpful, supporting website. This man is a player and you can bet on that. I know you don't believe me but please listen. You have made the mistake of letting him take advantage of you. I know it is hard to believe. Remember, Actions Speak Louder than Words. This man has told you so many things but how many has he followed through on? He is probably not going to leave his wife, and even if he does, you wouldn't want him anyway. How could you ever trust him, or yourself after what has happened? I am not trying to be mean, I am SO trying to keep you from making a HUGE mistake. Please let him be..... try this also... put yourself in his wife's shoes for a moment. You don't know her side of the story, you only know his. I would suspect that you are not the only one he is doing this with. The kind of men who cheat are SO GOOD at saying/doing things to make you believe that they really love you. Think about it, you really love the guy and are probably ready to just leave your husband for him and would marry this guy tomorrow. Do you honestly think this guy would do that for you? Please think about this and the other spouses involved. You are hurting more than just yourself. He is SO not worth it!!!! Good luck, and I hope you don't make the mistake of giving a married man the time of day next time one of them hits on you. I know if your husband were doing this to you, it would most likely break your heart if you truly love him. As it would mine if my husband did this to me. Princess777

Netman, Glad to know you get comfort from coming here. I just joined not too long ago and it is nice to know that we are "not alone". I feel the need to write every day either to someone or about something, as a way to vent those emotions you're talking about. I know what you mean, our way of thinking is not a choice. It just happens and it's like a disability, you just have to work around it no matter how much it interferes with your day to day activities. Some days are better than others. Some days I pick apart every thing my husband says and analyze it for clues into what he really thinks or what is really bothering him, like it's a secret that I have to de-code, and how it's going to affect our relationship and ultimately if I can have a "happy" day or a "depressed" day. You're right when you talked about depending too much on our partners to make us happy. It's not the right thing to do but I know that no matter how hard you try that you silp right back into those thoughts. It's easy to say that you'll change the way you think but I know how hard it is to actually implement. One book I read explained that at first you have to actually make yourself think things that you do not believe, in order to make it through the process. It is SO HARD. Whenever you need support don't be afraid to write..... I'm sure there are others here that can relate in some way, but only those who experience what we do will know what we're going through. Take care today and always. Princess777

Netman, I read your post and it could have been FROM me!!!! Except that I'm female and I feel this way about my husband) Wow I can't believe that you explained those feelings so well!!! I've been trying to figure out a way to explain how I feel and couldn't have done it better. I, too am so in love with my partner that I do the same things you do!!! Like you, I know that my partner is truly in love with me and in addition, he does not believe in divorce so I guess I'm lucky there! Sometimes I think that no one else in the world understands how my mind just comes up with all these thoughts about him, and I wondered if anyone else thinks like I do. He's ALL I think about, and when we have a disagreement (or I think he is not happy) it just kills me inside until I can absolutely be positive that everything is OK and he's not going to leave me. I have been told that I am very attractive and beautiful in many ways, and I feel that I am a confident person. But I am an extremely jealous person. I can't stand the thought of him around other women, and when they talk to him I always think they're trying to "move in" on my man. It's so awful!!! He is so attentive to me and reassures me daily that he thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world, and even says things like that around his friends and is not ashamed to admit his love and admiration. But I still have this problem. My emotions tend to control how I react to almost everything. I would give anything to be able to control them more and "pull back" from the relationship without seeming disinterested. Just to get some peace of mind!!!! My relationship is the most important thing in the world to me, like you. I wish it wasn't but I can't put anything else in front of it because I believe life is short and we should cherish the one we love. I have read books on jealousy and tried so hard to change but I have always been like this and I am in my thirties. People who don't have this problem cannot possibly relate to the agony that we face day to day when things aren't perfect! I even went to the extreme of taking personality tests to figure out why I do this. Tests have concluded that I am an idealist with extremely rare thinking. Anyway, enough about that, sorry! For help controlling this, I'll tell you what I do. I take on projects at work that require a lot of attention so the day goes faster until I can see him. When I get an urge to call him or "smother" him too much, I force myself to think about how it looks from his point of view (desperate, clingy, predictable) and I remind myself that I want to keep him interested in me forever, not bore him to death. I try to keep some mystery in there to keep the relationship interesting. Be spontaneous with plans and suggestions. Just take charge and tell them you want to take them to a certain place and do something specific. I also write a lot to get my feelings out. This works great and no one even has to read it. Kind of a diary thing. Hope this helps some..... I totally feel for you!!!!! Write more if you can. Princess777

Coming from a woman, be very careful here!!! Think about how long you and this guy have been friends, and how long you've known her. Some women do this on purpose just to see if they can bag the "friend", even if they're not interested, just to know that they could if they wanted to. I am not saying that she doesn't like you because it sounds like she does. I would just advise to be careful not to make your friend mad at you because he is seeing her. I think you should first tell your guy friend that you think she is a nice person and that he should not be treating her this way, and that you feel that she deserves to know that he will be gone soon. If he doesn't break it off, then tell her how you feel and if she feels the same way she will break it off with him for you. Give it some time and definitely wait until they are broken up. Another way to look at this is from her point of view, if she is serious and likes you, and you move in on her while she's still seeing him, it will make you look like a dog and she will think more highly of you and your morals if you wait until they are broken up. Princess777

I understand that you really like her a lot. However there is a song out there now that talks about a man who goes to a county fair with his wife and runs into an old flame. As the 2 women talk, He thanks God for the unanswered prayers that he kept insisting the old flame fall in love with him. Because he is so in love with his wife now and can't imagine being with anyone else - she is perfect for him. So think about that... the way you feel about her now may be replaced in the future with stronger feelings for the right one later on. And you never know, maybe later on she will come around and want to go out. But until then try to think positive about your future without her, or just as a friend. Princes777

Hello, I am sorry you are experiencing this. How long ago did you tell her your feelings and she said she wasn't ready? If she said she wasn't ready then I would suggest that you respect that and don't push her because this will definitely push her further away from you. The best thing to do is to let her be and move on. If there's one thing I know it's that you can't make someone love you, you can only be the best person you can be and as long as you love yourself you will be OK. Good luck, ok. Princess777

I am so sorry you are going through this at this time. It must be awful. Something about when the person takes their stuff, it just all hits home, huh? I really don't know what to say other than I hope things get easier for you. I know what you mean about the spiritual thing. I have studied metaphysics for a number of years and I love it all, it's fascinating. You are correct, most people don't think deeply enough to appreciate the little things like being in tune with someone else. It really is a wonderful thing to share with someone. It sounds like she is not happy but I don't know why. Coming from a female point of view it sounds like she is crying out for attention. I don't know the whole background story on this but what about going over to where she's living and telling her you want her back, and standing up to the guy. Maybe that's what she wants you to do, just TAKE her. Wish I knew more about the situation. If you've written before about this subject please let me know where so I can get up to speed on your situation. Princess777

That's got to be hard for you since you were together for a year. I'm glad to hear that the drug scene is not for you. It's understandable that you still want to be there for him. I don't think it's wrong to be there for him as a friend. But I wouldn't go out of your way to be. If he calls upon you and is in need of advice or an ear, sure, but I would not let it go any further than that unless he proves to you over time that he wants you back for good and shows that he has his priorities straight. You sound like a mature individual who can deal with emotions well, even when the going gets rough. Good luck to you! Princess777

In a metaphysical sense, the saying "what goes around comes around" means that karma will prevail in all cases. If one believes in the theory that the universe is more of a thought form rather than tangible objects, then the universe will equal everything out in the end between all souls. Scientists and astronomers have actually made the statement that they believe the universe is more of a thought form. I really don't know what to believe but I always found metaphysics fascinating so I studied it, and still do from time to time. I'm not sure if you know what karma is, but a basic definition is that it is the process of balancing all of our actions from the moment we exist. This is in conjunction with the theory that we never truly die and that we re-incarnate into other beings. For example if you are a person in this life who becomes disabled physically or mentally and you die at a young age, in your next life you might be a very healthy person who lives a long time. It is very detailed and hard to explain, and also can involve other souls if they have met in a previous life and been betrayed, sort of like a "getting you back" sort of thing. The positive thing does not always happen first, or in sequence either. Sorry to get all "weird" on ya, but I'm just trying to help. A lot of people are afraid to learn about it because it is different. In the case of cheating, if you believe in this theory, then he will experience the pain of being cheated on in the future or in a future life, or he may have already experienced this in a past life. Hope this helps some. Princess777

Greetings Spelbound, It sounds to me like one of two things - 1) He was falling in love with you and got scared because you both revealed some feelings that made him feel vulnerable, or 2) He is not ready for commitment and doesn't want to mislead you. In the case of number 1, I believe that a lot of men get "scared" when they start to fall. However, I think that if someone is mature enough and truly in love with you and really wants to make it work, that they will face that fear instead of running because they know the rewards will outweigh the scary parts and they wouldn't want to take the chance of losing you. In the case of number 2, maybe he knows he is not ready for a commitment, and feels bad for letting it go as far as it did, or he is 'testing' his feelings, hence the dating with the other person. My advice to you would be to try to enjoy yourself as much as possible, maybe date someone else that you're interested in, or even just as a friend, or hang out with other friends to get your mind off him. This is a dual edged strategy in the way that it will help you know that you can live without him if need be, plus it sends a signal to him that you just might not be available later on when he is done running around. His drug use is alarming to me and I hope you do not choose that path. It sounds like he is very concerned with his appearance and probably tries to impress people. This is usually a sign of low self esteem. Drug use is directly related to the person hiding something, i.e. fear, anger, guilt, etc. Think about that for awhile too, to figure out why he does drugs. You didn't mention how long you were together so I can't really give you much more advice.... I hope some of this helps? Let me know. Princess777