chardonna8

if you're really questioning whether to stay or go...there is the perfect book out there for you. It's called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. Find it and read it.

ok...to answer your question...No, it's not good to lie to friends. Regardless of what's going on between you 2, she should be honest about her 'availability', so to speak. And you need to be honest if you're being friends with her just hoping that maybe some day you'll get to date her. It sounds to me like she's just keeping you around for in case she and her bf have a fight or break up, and do you really want to be 2nd choice? If she wanted to be with you (this is going to hurt, but it's true) she'd dump him and be with you. I don't know why she met up with you that afternoon, whether it was just to hang out, or maybe she needed a ride to her bf's house, or maybe she was thinking about exploring other options (ie, you). It doesn't sound like she's interested in a romantic, monogamous relationship with you right now, in my opinion. Keep in mind there are probably lots of girls without boyfriends who would love to date a faithful guy like you! Good luck.

thanks for the advice, and I've got to admit that I don't want to quit my job or not go to school. As I said, he gets really nervous when I hang out with my friends (and there were problems in that department last year, I made some bad decisions with them-but I've grown, I know I can make smarter decisions now) so I've stopped hanging out with all of my friends. As for my grandma, I think he's more upset that I'm not spending time with him than suspicious. But having that job and going to school...he's so worried that I'm going to meet a guy and cheat. (there were some cheating issues last year as well). Other than not lying (which I haven't done a very good job of), what can I do for his peace of mind? Next weekend my cousin has a graduation party and my family is going to DC for 4 days, and I really really want to do that stuff, but I know it's going to make him worried. what should I do? and no matter what I do about that, what are other ways I can make him feel better?? I need so much help.

thanks, guys, for the advice. I know what I need is a serious commitment to stop lying. It should have been taken care of, and clearly I just need to work harder. I get really unreasonably paranoid about things that I do (like checking my cell phone to see if my mom called) because in the past he's given me a hard time about it, regardless of my intentions. What I need are some suggestions on how to win my guy back. Right now he's so fed up with me (understandably) but underneath all our problems we have magic, and I want to work thru it all and find that magic again. Any advice on things that I can do to make him feel better would be appreciated. When I ask him, he always just says to stop lying and to make him not feel worried about where I'm going or what I'm doing. But to him that means not going anywhere or doing anything, and I'm going to grad school in the fall and I work at a job where I'm on call all night a few times a month. He's worried when I spend time with friends, and even when I visit my grandmother. I've already stopped seeing my friends and I've cut back on seeing my grandmother. It seems like the only way that he won't be worried is to quit that job, and not go back to school. The job pays good and school is really important to me, so I'm really struggling with these decisions. so please help with advice on other things that I can do to help him be less worried.

I don't know if there's something wrong with me (my bf thinks I'm a pathological liar) but I lie A LOT to him. Each time I do, it kills him. We've been together for a year and a half, and during the first 6-8 months I was pretty deceptive about my past and my fidelity. He found out slowly and even so I tried to carry out the lies. And there has been plenty that I lied about. Now, I've still lied to him about once a month since all that happened last year. He's very suspicious of everything that I say (of course) and sometimes I'm really scared to tell him the truth (even if it's something insignificant-which all the stuff in 2004 has been). But for some stupid reason I still lie, and I did it 2 days ago and we had a huge falling out, and then today I did it again (both were about really little, stupid things). I'm so aggravated with myself and I KNOW I have control over the lies, but then I did it twice in 2 days!!! I need advice. I don't know what I'm going to do to try and save this relationship. And I need to fix this problem of mine! It seems like it should be so simple- a conscious decision to be honest. Then why am I having such a hard time with it? I need help ASAP or my relationship is going to die very very soon, my bf is extremely frustrated, hurt, and disappointed in me. PLEASE HELP!

Thanks for the input Princess, it's greatly appreciated. I'm 22 years old. As for the lying, some of the time I was covering up things he wouldn't like about me(though now knows), and other times it was simply to avoid a fight (my boy has quite a temper). But I've been completely honest for a while now, it's just all the lying that had been done already. My boyfriend has the same view as you as any further talking is constituted as flirting. I should have seen it that way. But I know I can tell a guy no thanks that's hitting on me, and I've been pretty faithful to my guy (though in the beginning there was cheating in the sense that my ex slept in my bed twice before my boy and I had an actual commitment.) As for my boyfriend lying to me, he tried that to make me see how awful it feels, but clearly that doesn't work and I can't get mad because I did the same to him. I care so incredibly much about him and he just wants to believe in me. But he never gives me support, always says that I can't change and I'm just a liar, a cheat, and a whore. I don't know. If possible I'm going to get help, and as I said I'm no longer lying, just trying to be with this guy if he'll let me. but can we fix all this damage? Thank you so much for the input.

For the past few years I've been single and dating as many guys as I pleased(nothing serious), sometimes 3 guys at a time, but I wasn't honest with them to let them know they were 1 of 3. Anyway, 8 months ago I met a different guy, an absolutely great guy. To make a long story short, I was deceitful in the beginning of our relationship because I still had contact with a guy I had been dating previously, and concealing things such as an abortion that I had the day of our 3rd date (father was the previous guy, I didn't tell my new perfect guy until 5 months later), and also lying about how much I had to drink at the bar (to avoid a fight w/New Perfect Guy who hated me drinking-with good cause, its only gotten me in trouble). So all the lies came out in the 5th-7th months of our relationship, almost every week we'd have a confrontation where he'd demand to know what I had lied about, I'd tell him half truths or no story at all, and say it was everything. This happened probably about 8 times. Finally, there's nothing left to tell. My new perfect guy has metamorphosed into an emotional and once, a physical abuser. He's working on that and I'm working on being honest (so far, so good, even when it's hard). But he also doesn't trust me at all because in the past I've been a big flirt and all the lying. Also, New Perfect Guy went home from the bar twice with other women this past month because things are looking so hopeless with me. He's actually respectable, though, and before he found out about all of this treated me wonderfully. I want so badly to make him happy. He thinks that I can't say no to people and is afraid that if an attractive man would hit on me that I wouldn't be able to just say "I have a boyfriend, thanks." I know I can, though my track record is not good, this weekend I was at a bar with a friend (had one drink to keep her company) and a guy hit on me, I told him I had a boyfriend and we talked for 5-10 mins about my boyfriend. No flirting. And that was it. But if I should get hit on again, I wouldn't talk to him at all cause it makes my boyfriend uncomfortable. I guess my question is, first, can this relationship be saved? And secondly, any advice you can give is greatly appreciated. I know it sounds very dysfunctional and miserable, but when we're happy, our relationship is so amazing that I'm fighting for it. Thanks.

I don't know how to make my boyfriend see how much he means to me. He puts forth more effort in our relationship than I do and I want to do whats in the realm of possibility to put in more effort. A little background: I am a senior in college and go to school 2 hrs from home and my bf. He works full time and comes to visit when he has time, usually once a week for a few days. I've only gone home about 5 times this semester. I do want to point out that I have much more going on than he does-school, graduation, finding a job, I play NCAA tennis for my school, and work. I love when he comes to visit, but it's much more feasible for him to visit because he only has work and also a much more reliable vehicle. He's always put more work into the relationship, once taking me to Atlantic City though his car was broken and he had to get another car inspected, get tags, put it on insurance, and all that just so we could still go. This weekend my grandfather passed away and he was available whenever I needed him, even if it meant he didn't sleep for 36 hrs (which happened twice). I took advantage of that and he (understandably) is angry and thinks I don't put effort into our relationship. What can I do to show him how important he is to me? I need to show him that I do want to put forth effort and to show him how much I love him, plus thank him for being there for me this past weekend. HELP!