lucy001

If she's messing around on her boyfriend, then something's wrong with their relationship. That's her problem, not yours. Let her deal with her own problems. If it bothers you that she's not committed to you, then that's where you step in. You can give her an ultimatum, but be ready to back it up. Or you can wait on her to change things. You also have to understand, if she does eventually break up with him, it will still hurt for her and you can expect problems for awhile in your own relationship. It's never good to jump from one relationship to another without some in between time to grieve. She will feel very torn between the two of you. Good luck.

I think you should let him take the lead in calling you, etc. You know he loves you but he's not really doing his share to keep the relationship going. I think you should trust your instincts. Your gut is telling you that he sees you as another problem, well, that could very well be. He may not be able to give to another right now due to his problems personnally and financially. Just back off for awhile and see what happens. Try to find other emotional support with other friends. After being together a whole week and both knowing that you needed some "alone" time, you should not have gone over there. He sounds like he needs space on a regular basis, give it to him. Some people need more space than others. If you can respect that and live with it then he will probably feel more comfortable with the relationship. Let him know that you have a whole other life than just him.

I think you should say something like: "Would you like to go out sometime?" and if she says "yes", then have something all ready to do, "How about the movies Saturday?" or whatever day. And then pick a movie, chick flick...etc. Or you could just say, "Would you like to go see "(movie)" with me this Saturday?" If you are more uncomfortable about the work thing than going out with her, then don't ask. I always made it a rule that I wouldn't date anyone from work although in the past 20 years I broke that rule twice. It was a little uncomfortable but not devastating afterwards when there were no sparks. It sucks, but you're just going to have to take the plunge and put yourself out there. And always remember, you're not attracted to all women and all women aren't attracted to you. No big deal, you know? There's plenty of girls out there that think you're the bomb, I'm sure. If it does backfire, just be happy-go-lucky and chalk it up to having a learning experience in life.

I don't understand how you are supposed to know everything if she just told you on the day she made you leave. Meaning, she is responsible for her own needs and to let you know what she needs. The trip thing, her sending you and then getting angry because you went sounds like a test of some sort to me. As much as you have a responsibility in this relationship, so does she. The cancer incident, no you definitely shouldn't have gone into work, that was a huge mistake and if I were you I would beg and plead for forgiveness on that one. It sounds like communication problems. If you're not sure what she wants and she isn't telling you, then you need to ask her what she needs. Paying only cable is nonsense. You should, at a minimum, have been paying 1/4 of the bills, utilities and mortgage. I think you've done great working on her house. Sorry, I didn't mean to sound harsh, just telling it like I see it.

You are saying in your post that he's wonderful but I haven't heard any specifics about him. I've heard about verbal and physical abuse. I also wonder why you would want to be with someone where you can't be yourself, not that everything you've done is perfect. When I was your age (41 now), I wasn't ready to settle down and basically had the same behavior. I met some wonderful men during those years but I wasn't ready for a serious relationship at the time. So, just something to think about, you may just be "sowing your oats" right now. If you didn't have a committment at the beginning of your relationship, I wouldn't have worried about seeing the other guy at the time. Once you made your committment, you cut everything off. Believe me, we all have skeletons in our closets. If you're definitely serious about making a long term committment to this guy then change your behavior. Expect that it will take him some time to get used to your new behavior, expect to build the trust he needs in you on your own. Let him vent. After a period of time, he'll see the change and your relationship will be on the road to a healthy one. Hope this helps.

Well, first, she did not cheat on you. You two were broken up. She may have been trying to take her mom's advice and date someone her own age, but, lucky for you it didn't work out and to boot, her mother is allowing her to date you. I think your feelings about it bothering you is totally natural. She was totally honest with you about going out with someone else, which is a positive thing. If the subject comes up again and you feel safe and comfortable telling her, then let her know that it bothers you but you are dealing with it. Bottom line is, it does hurt and that's something you will have to let time take care of and not hold on to. On the other hand, be very polite to her mother, go by her mother's rules religiously and her mother will see you for the nice guy that you are. Hope this helps!

My problem with this is the fact that 1) he was hiding it from me; 2) he thinks it's "ok" to drink and drive, apparently hasn't learned his lessons; 3) he's putting our future on the line, not just his; and, last but not least, 4) he apparently can't be himself or live HIS life like he wants to around me. I really don't want to be down the road 5 years from now, married to him, and he lets loose and has a major problem. I understand that I can't predict the future and I also don't want to take the roll of alcohol/drug police. I feel like that's what it's boiling down to. He can say that he's going to quit, but will I believe it now? Does he even want to quit? I don't know. I did talk to him about it last night but we didn't get into the particulars. All I know is that I have children in the house, I found it in his pants pockets and what if my daughter was doing a load of laundry and found it? She's 13 and I want to be a role model for her and this to me is not being a role model. Thanks so much for everyone's input and keep the advice coming. I have some heavy thinking about this relationship to do and I like hearing everyone's point of view.

My boyfriend and I have lived together for a year and a half. He's generous with money, a hard-worker, loving and kind. Here's the problem: I recently found marajuana in his work pants while doing laundry. I confronted him with it and he told me that he smoked and didn't want to tell me because he knew I wouldn't accept it. Is this on me because I'm not approachable about subjects? I always felt like I could tell him anything, that's one major thing I was attracted to him about. I recently left the military after 20 years and am against drugs and heavy drinking. He was fully aware of my views when we started dating. I grew up around all of that and as an adult do not want that in my life. This summer I found out that he drank and drove at least twice that I know about. His vehicle is in my name due to him having 3 past DUI's, the most recent occurred about 4-5 years ago. My huge concern is him being untrustworthy now. I have given my heart to this man after being in a horrible marriage for 10 years. I almost feel stuck because our plans were for me to finish my degree and for him and me to build his business. I have two children, ages 13 and 11. He has two children, ages 11. When they were here for the summer vacation, I almost left my own home because his children had some major behavior problems. His one son is ADHD and on meds but when we have him, my boyfriend doesn't want him on meds. The problem was that my boyfriend worked many hours per week and I was left with the 4 kids. As a result of getting out of the military, I am now in a town where I have no family and not sure if I would want to return home. What should I do? Financially, I would not be able to stay in the home we're in without his help, but is he the guy for me? I really don't know what to do, am I blowing this out of proportion? I don't want to even sleep in the same bed as him. I now wonder what else he is hiding even though he assures me there's no other issues. It just seems to me that most of his problems are stemming from substance abuse problems which he readily admitted that when he was in his 20's he had a problem. He's 35 now. Please give me advice...