swraith

Hey everyone - I feel somewhat stupid asking such a thing - I'm 24 and still don't know how to make the first move. All my life I've waited for women to come to me, as I am somewhat passive in that way. I have no problem talking to women, but I'm always apprehensive of making a move. I don't fear rejection, just the tension afterwards if I have to see that girl again... So anyhow, this is the deal. I work nights at a large theme park, where they have a "night spot" with clubs and such. I get a call (I fix technical problems with the registers) to go out to one of these clubs, early afternoon, while they are booked for a private party. Anyhow, there is a beautiful woman bartending that I eventually broke the ice and started talking to. She was very nice, and even stood right next to me to talk (unlike the at-the-other-end-of-the-bar and I-don't-want-to-talk-to-you thing) I'd really like to ask this girl to go out sometime, but it's kind of akward because: 1) We both work at the same company - and probably will be working when I'll see her next. 2) I'm such a novice at making the first move! 3) If it backfires, I'll have to see her again surely, and it'll be weird. 4) She works at a club. If I was going to, I should have asked her that day when there was no one around, instead I wimped out, and now how the heck can I ask her out with a club full of people? Any advice for the fool who missed his chance?

We're both 24 years old. I've been with this girl for over 4 years. We were engaged, but recently I broke it off with her, because I just felt like certain things weren't right in our relationship (I won't get into details). Anyhow, we still see each other, even though now we live apart. I wanted to keep seeing her because I feel like I love her and I'd like to see things work out. However, the biggest problem is she wants to be with me every waking moment of my life - and I feel like she's smothering me! I was raised an only child, and I value my alone time. But she just doesn't seem to understand that. Her thinking is, if I'm truly in love with her, I should want to see her everyday, all the time. I'm not sure I believe that though... Like the other day, it was my day off from work and I went to a buddy's house I haven't seen in several weeks. Of course she got upset about this. I try to explain to her I need time away and she gets all emotional. "I don't talk to her, I don't see her enough, I must not love her." To me, it's rediculous. I see her probably 5 days a week if not more sometimes. And I talk to her several times a day. Shouldn't I be able to go out with a friend or chill out by myself one or two days without getting all this greif? She says I'm all about myself. I come first to me before anyone else does. Just because I want some time away from her? People have told me if I'm really in love I should want to see her all the time. Is this true? If it is maybe I'm not really in love with her anymore? Or is she just being way to overbearing? Someone please share some insight - this situation is killing me! -swraith

Solstice48 is right. There might not be much you can do at this point, as she's felt this way for what she says is a long time (the actual length of time is irrelevant, in her mind she's felt this way for long enough to solidify her doubts). It's difficult to work something out with a partner that won't divuldge any information about how they feel. I know this (as you could tell from my post you replied to). Love comes and love goes - that's a fact. It's a painful thing, but it happens. Just urge your wife to be honest with herself and make her take everything into consideration. Maybe throw in the idea of marriage counseling, or come up with a plan you two can work at. The good thing is, it sounds like she still cares about you - there's not a particular catalyst (arguing/fighting) involved which would make the divorce even more painful for everyone involved. But regardless, if she's sure she doesn't love you anymore, work together to make the process as smooth as possible, at least for the children's sake. Explain it to them, and both of you should be there for them regardless of how hurt and vulnerable you feel inside. I can't say much to comfort you, as it's going to get worse before it gets better. But just try to be strong not only for your own sake, but for the children. I hope you can work something out with your wife, but if not, we are all here for you to confide in. Take life one step at a time, and the healing process will follow. Best of luck my friend, -swraith

I've been dating my fiance for almost 4 years, and 2 years before that. She has always been a very negative person. Pessimistic, irritable, quick to anger at certain things. What's more is she never communicates with me. She is very reluctant to talk to me about what's bothering her, which drives me nuts. I've talked to her before about her bad attitude and that it has to change. She's a real sweetheart when she wants to be, and I love her dearly, but I just can't deal with all the negativity. We recently had a talk about it again, and I was considering leaving her. She of course wants another chance, and says she can change. I have two concerns about this. #1 - I'm a strong believer in second chances, not thirds. #2 - From experience, I think habits can change, but people can't. I love her. And my heart wants to give her a chance to try to change. But my mind tells me I'm a fool for thinking she can change, that's who she is, and I'm just wasting more precious time (both of ours)... What is right? And should I stay with her just because I love her when she's in a good mood, if more often times she's not?

Thank you both for your insight. Although I am reviving this thread after nearly six months, I think the events that have happened in this time may give me the opportunity to make a final decision on what has plagued me for so long. After my initial post, we agreed to move apart, although still date. That way I could get some space, and we could work things out. I was honest with her on my concerns, as were stated above. She promised to work on it. It didn't really work that way since she was constantly calling and begging me to see her, and I was weak and lonely. After 3 months or so, she moved back in. Things were back to how they were at first. I decided to break it off for good this time, and so with that in mind, I talked to her last night. Well, I was being honest with her, and myself - laying out all the reasons (mostly her attitude) on why it wasn't working out. Then she caught me off guard with "Can we work it out? Can you help me to not be so negative? Don't you want to be with me, if I can be a better person?" Yowch. Then my weak-hearted self began to cave... I couldn't come up with a reason why I didn't want to work it out, although I felt like it was hopeless... I told her habits can be broken, but people don't change... She kept persisting that she needed my help to overcome her bad attitude, and that she loved me so much... Even though I wanted to tell her it was over, I couldn't bring myself to do it, regardless of my feelings! I want to break it off. I think it's for the better of the both of us. But I love her, so part of me says "give her another chance". But I've always believed in giving second chances, not thirds. My heart hurts, but my brain is telling me "get out now, it's just going to end up like it is now". What should I listen too? How can I be strong and break it off for good - or am I foolish for wanting to do so? Everyone I know thinks I should call it quits, even my mother (who has an uncanny knack for seeing right through people) - I'm probably being foolish for even thinking of enduring this relationship further.... Alas, I turn to you once again for advice, encouragement, direction... strength.

I met my girlfriend in high school. We dated for about 2 years before breaking up, because we just didn't get along and had poor communication mostly. 2 years passed and we ran into each other - and got back together. This time we have been together over 3 years. I have always loved her, and when we first got back together she was great. We talked, she was happy all the time, and life was good. I thought she was finally the one for me, so we engaged. Then things started to get worse... She was unhappy alot, stressed over work, her negative attitude came back to show it's nasty face. We are just two different people it seems... I am striving to attain certain goals, better myself, have a positive attitude about most things, and don't let much bother me. She is negative about everything, is always upset about something, and has no goals in life it seems save for having a family. Not to mention we have very little in common outside of the relationship. I do truly love her, but I just don't think we are right for each other. We just conflict way too much. I know she cares about me, and I care about her, so mustering the strength to do the right thing a break it off now is extremely difficult. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want this relationship to end in divorce... I could probably manage to break it off relatively soft; try to let her down easy... But the problem is we live together right now, and even though she has a place to go, it means we have to be right next to each other for the days until she moves... What can I do?! It is going to be very painful for myself as well as her, and I don't want to subject either one of us to extended grief... Please HELP!