Princess777

I think that while his tact may be a little less than desirable, at least he's being honest and that is something that we women always ask for but then complain when we get it. He is getting upset further because you are not respecting his decision. You have to respect it and move on. The less you contact him, the better. The more he'll wonder about you, the more he'll call you, etc. Use No Contact right now. Don't call him, don't cry to him, etc. This is not attractive to anyone, you need to make him realize that you can survive without him. That is attractive and it will get him back if he truly loves you. And if he doesn't then you're better off. It sounds like he's young and isn't ready to settle down yet, and that's okay. You don't want to force your opinion on him. As much as it hurts, you have to allow people to be themselves and you cannot control them. I wish you luck in your recovery and your " no contact".

I urge you to go to a professional counselor to help you with these intense feelings of depression. Only a professional can prescribe something that will help you. I used to think that medicine couldn't help certain people but I have seen the difference it made in someone very close to me. It's like night and day. The medical field has come a long way. Even the darkest of days can become better with the right kind of help. It's your responsibility to get that help, and there is always someone else worse off than you, I guarantee it. I wish you luck.

After reading the other replies, I think I should probably clarify something because what I wrote may be how I feel, but I admit that's not always practical, and I think some of the reactionary advice may have come accross a little too idealistic. I guess I just really related a lot to your post, and I even found myself thinking about you last night and this morning, wondering if you were feeling any better. Even though I was at home and couldn't message you and had to wait till I got to work, I was really feeling for you. While I won't retract my initial advice, because it is still how I feel, I probably should have mentioned to be extra cautious about moving out there. I'd hate for you to move out there and it not work. I didn't mean for it to sound like you should just drop everything and move. I do think you should go see him though, if you get a good response from him after you proclaim your love, and if you feel this strongly. When one starts having these physical issues like you have and like I've had in the past, I know how horrible that can be, and how bad it can hurt your self esteem. My main feeling on this is that you probably never told him how much you really care for him, and a lot of times we don't realize what we have until it's gone. I think your feelings are genuine and you should tell him how you feel, at the very least. I wish you luck and I apologize if I previously sounded too drastic....!

Greetings. I am sorry to hear of your dilemma. I understand that you are very hurt by your boyfriend's personal ad. Just to make a few observations here. I have several thoughts on this. The first problem I see is that you were only seeing each other once a month to begin with. That arrangement makes it very, very difficult to keep you two together as a couple, even if he wasn't "keeping his options open". So I don't think you should feel like all of this is happening as a result of the personal ad, okay? Evidently you didn't mind only seeing him once a month, or something would have changed prior. One of you would have moved closer or into the same house as the other, right? Maybe you didn't like it but the message you were sending him was that everything was okay being apart that much... see what I mean? The next thing I noticed is that his actions indicate that being able to work and feel good about making money is important to him. This is extremely common for males and I don't think anything you did would make any difference in that matter. Guys are like this.... their career and money making opportunities are extremely important to them, and we women cannot really compare ourselves or what we would do as opposed to them, in that respect. So in my opinion, his moving to CA and asking if you would move there was his invitation to continue the relationship, on a closer level, and possibly open the door up to a more serious, possibly live-in relationship. I'm merely speculating, but guys are basically what you see is what you get, they don't beat around the bush much. It sounds like he wanted you to come, and most likely when you didn't, you hurt his feelings and now his brick wall is up. Does that make sense? Unfortunately, I know all too well the physical aspects of your pain, been there! And the only advice I can give on your current situation, as it stands now, is to fly to see him one time, pour your heart out, tell him how you feel, tell him you're sorry you hurt him cause you know you did, and that you really, really want to be with him and you're willing to move there to prove it. But you need to secure employment and/or his word that he wants the same. And that includes deleting the ad. Don't buy into the bull about him not wanting to post it, either. Especially if he is the kind of guy who normally doesn't do things he doesn't want to do. I know he already told you that he wants time apart, and that was basically admitting that he wanted to post the ad, but really, just keep your eyes open more from now on if you get the feeling he's not being honest. Also, accept reality for what it is, that you cannot possibly keep tabs on someone who doesn't live near you. You'll drive yourself crazy. It may be that his newfound independence with his job has swelled his head some, too. People, and I find this happens more with men, tend to get a little pompous when they feel like they're doing rather well for themselves, especially if they're somewhat immature to begin with. Of course I do not know him and these are only speculations. You know him, what do YOU think is going on in his head? I wish you luck, and if I were you, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that he was hurt, his friend may have noticed him moping, and mentioned posting the ad to boost his self esteem. It could happen. Now all you can do is proclaim your love for him, see how he reacts, and then you can walk away knowing that you gave it your all, and you tried to patch things up. If you don't you'll feel guilty for a long time, I think. What do you think?

Another point I wanted to make: It is a well-known fact that society imposes a HUGE impact on our self esteem in the relationship category. Everywhere you look, or listen, we are subjected to the concept that we are nothing without someone else in our lives. This is bull, and it is dysfunctional. We were brought up to think that fairy tales just happen and they don't. Situations are exactly what we make of them and how we look at them. We can be optimistic or we can be pessimistic. It's a choice. The reason we all get so sad when we get dumped or betrayed is because we have been subjected to the thought that we cannot survive without them, and our routine is all thrown out of whack. Change is rarely welcomed. Think about it: Many love songs proclaim "I can't live without you, you're my everything, etc., or that everything important in life revolves around love." Well, I think it's backwards because it should be encouraging us to learn to love ourselves instead of investing every ounce of our being into someone else or another outside source. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying not to love someone and that it's not great, it is one of the most wonderful things in the world, in my opinion. One of my biggest goals in life is to have a wonderful marriage. It's just that I feel we need to rid ourselves of the false perception that we are nothing without someone else. And, think about this: someone, somewhere, that you've met along the line may have never told YOU how they feel about you, and you may have hurt them, unintentionally, just as much as you're hurting.... don't think it couldn't happen! Thanks for all the replies to my post.... you are all wonderful people.

Great responses here, I never thought this post would generate so many views either! Wow. I think everyone here is definitely on the right track. Realizing what reality IS is the number one thing you can do, in order to get on that road to recovery. If you never accept the truth, then you'll be miserable forever. And no one wants that. It's just that in the beginning, you do what comes naturally, you grieve, you cry, you feel horrible, worthless, and sad, wondering what you could have done to keep this reality from happening in the first place. You wonder if you'll ever be lovable again. Not to say that it's ever too late to reconcile with your ex, but the point is that it's never too late to heal from anything in our lives. Just as many people don't heal from childhood wounds until they're well into middle age or later, it's never too late to heal from an ex. Accepting reality and separating our emotions regarding that reality are the combined first step, in my opinion, to begin the healing. Once you give your emotions the attention they need and the grieving time has passed, which is extremely important as we all know, otherwise you're not being emotionally honest, THEN it's time to say OK, time to heal. Take control of the situation by realizing what is actually happening in your life rather than dwelling on the past. Accept reality for what it is, have faith in the universe that Truth will prevail (karma) and that everything always balances out in life. Live in the moment instead of in the past. I know the pain is unbearable at times, I've been there. Most of us have. I think having faith is an important part of all of this too. If you can get yourself spiritually aligned, you will be able to make it through any problem you'll ever have. Finally, think about your neighbor who just got diagnosed with cancer or someone in the paper who is desperately wondering if their daughter will ever be found again because she's missing..... those are extreme problems, aren't they? Problems that these people have absolutely no control over. And you still have control over how you can get through this. When we think about it, we've still got it pretty good, and things can ALWAYS, ALWAYS be much worse!!!!! Great ideas here, and awesome support for everyone. I hope many benefit from the encouragement here. I am glad to be a part of this. Good luck to everyone in their recovery.

Well, for me, trust is something that doesn't come easily. I have always had trust issues since jr. high school. I think going into any situation with your eyes wide open is a good rule to live by. Not being judgmental but not being naive either. I'm not sure there's really a "test" other than just observing a person's actions over a long period of time. Once someone lies to me, no matter how small, it would take me a long, long time to trust them again. I just don't lie to others so I expect the same respect in return. Also, I think a good way to gauge the person is to ask yourself, "If I needed this person in an emergency situation at 3:00 in the morning, would I call them?" If you can honestly say YES and know in your mind that this person truly would not mind coming to your aid and could keep the situation under they're hat, I think they're a pretty trusted person. Also you might want to ask yourself if you think people could ask this of you, would you mind?

Greetings. I am so sorry you are experiencing this pain. Unfortunately, from experience, I know that the military is not the best life for a married couple. It is a lot better than it used to be, and I think they've really improved it a lot, but it is still very hard to keep it together when you don't see each other on a normal basis. We're all human, and our desires and needs have to be met or we will be unhappy. It is a fact of life. The tours are usually 4 years in length and can be very detrimental to the couple, even if they can go together, because usually there are short tours involved within the stationed tours. I was married to someone in the military for nearly 11 years and it was very hard... and needless to say, it ended also. I think the military is wonderful for single people, though. Anyway, I'm sure that writing that didn't help you feel better at all, but the point is that I know the pain you're going through. I am really, really sorry this is happening. Of course we don't know the whole situation but can only offer our support here. I am sure you don't have an option to get out of the military at the moment, and even if you did, it might not fix things. Some things cannot be solved by giving into what she thinks she wants. I think what she said to you was rather mean.... that in itself hurts, I know. I wish she'd have used more tact. I know the rigorous training you were put through, and still are. It makes you into a hard, unfeeling person sometimes, when you need to be. But I think you should be commended for still being emotionally honest with yourself and being sad.... if you aren't, you will damage yourself physically. Let the sadness out, grieve and do whatever you need to do to get through this. I know someone who was put through hell for many, many years and I don't know how he survived. But he did and he loves me.... just don't let yourself stop having the ability to love. She evidently is not capable of waiting for you, and I know that is hard to accept. I know it's not what you want to hear. But hopefully if you can look at it like that instead of that you did something wrong, you'll feel better. It is her problem that she couldn't keep the vows..... you're only doing your job and she knew that going into it. I don't know your current situation, but the military provides free marriage counseling (I got it before) and it was really good. Have you asked for that? Don't knock it until you try it. I wasn't sure if your divorce is final yet, or how far you are into all of this. Hang in there please.

Try reading this thread, it might help you: link removed

I PM'd you but wanted to post here too: When a person gets a divorce, it takes years to heal. And I mean YEARS. One cannot possibly be ready for another serious relationship immediately, or soon thereafter the separation. Oftentimes, the first person that attracts the newly divorced person is one who can enable them to feel alive again, to feel wanted, important, and put on a pedestal. I realize that everyone wants that, but that simple combination is all the person wants at that point in time. They need to be reassured that they are still desirable, still attractive, still a good person, and still wanted out in the single world. Often they'll cling to one person who seems to fit this profile for quite some time.... and they really do think it's love, and it might be, but the timing is all wrong. At that particular point in time, they're not being fair to the partner because the unknowing partner (you) has no clue what's going on in their head... the confusion, the pain, the hurtful things that were said and done by their former spouse. The separation itself, the dividing of marital assets, children, etc., is SO stressful and takes a huge emotional toll on a person. It makes one feel like they failed not only at love, but at the marriage itself, as a separate entity. She cares for you, I'm not saying she doesn't, and she probably most likely loves you and felt all the things she told you she did. I don't think she's lying to you, it's just that right now she needs more attention than any ONE person can provide. And that is not your fault. I know what it's like to feel that way, as a matter of fact, I married a guy who was my rebound. I am not proud of that at all. I hurt him badly but after 3 years I finally figured out he was not my type of guy at all..... he wasn't what I was looking for, and I was definitely not the best match for him, so I got a divorce. Just be glad she's told you her true feelings before things went too far, like they did with me. I was a mess and she is too. She'll need at least a year or two with no serious relationship before she can really assess what she is looking for in a man. Unfortunately she is right, you and she met at a bad time. I hope you aren't too hard on yourself. She might want to come back later but my advice is that I wouldn't wait around on her at ALL. As for the reason why she is still calling you pet names, etc. , well that is just plain mean. You don't deserve to have your emotions played with in that manner, and you need to tell her that. I think that is really mean of her, I never did that. That almost sounds like she's trying to keep you in the bag in case this new guy doesn't work out and that is very disrespectful. Dont' allow that. I hope I've helped some.... I assure you, it's nothing you did wrong! And no, her feelings for you don't just go away, it doesn't work like that. It's just that right now she is trying to get all the attention and approval she can from multiple people. She doesn't want to get any disapproval, even from you, because that will hit a nerve with the insecurities again. I hope that makes sense. But it is not your job to cater to her. You've got to take care of yourself and look out for your own well-being.

I know it's hard for you right now. I've been there and still go there sometimes. But you have to just keep hanging in there because things do get better with time. I'm not sure how old you are but I'd venture to guess you're pretty young.... when you are able to move to a place where you'd like to live, it makes a big difference in your self esteem too. It's exciting to move forward alone sometimes. You say you don't have anywhere to go or anyone to go to... you can come here, and the biggest thing you need to do is look within yourself for your own happiness. Take some internet quizzes or tests on personalities to get to know yourself better, and take some career tests, etc. These are fun and help guide you in the direction where you might best fit in. By all means don't take them too literally or anything but they can give you some ideas, it's always your own choice whether to act on them. No one can tell you what your path to happiness is or anything but you can get ideas from many sources. Hang in there.

Greetings. Congratulations, you are being emotionally honest, and that is something that you should be proud of. I am sorry you are having a rough time right now. I know what you mean about taking things too personally. I used to do that a LOT. And I mean a LOT. About everything. Even at work, if I did something wrong I'd get all worked up about it. But now that I'm thirtysomething I don't concern myself with such things. I also don't worry nearly as much if I think someone doesn't really like me. You can please some people some of the time but never all of the people all of the time. Remember that. I know it's difficult when you want something so badly you can only imagine how wonderful it would be IF. IF is the biggest word, isn't it? We always base our happiness on IFs. The key, I think, is to try to look at things from a different perspective. Think about those less fortunate than you.... and the ones who appear to have it all, well, they don't. I believe in karma and that everything always balances out, and what goes around comes around, etc. Knowing this and having faith in yourself and getting your spiritual self aligned will help you see this. Everyone has to work at it, it's not easy, and we all have bad days and bad weeks, etc. I'm sorry if I haven't helped much. You cannot depend on your friends to make you happy, and I think that's what you're doing.

Well you sure shouldn't beat yourself up about trying harder, I didn't mean to say that you are not trying hard enough, only that if you make a decision to stay with him, you need to stop bringing it up. That is not to say to just sweep all your feelings under the rug,,, you need help dealing with them, where the counseling comes in. If you do want to forgive him and make this work, then you need to learn how to curb the pain and stop bringing it up because it will destroy any means of communication that he is trying to build if he is being truthful with you. I don't know how anybody does that, personally..... kudos to you if you can. I think deep down you want to forgive him but you were hurt so badly that you may not be capable of doing it, and there is nothing wrong with that. I wouldn't be able to forgive him. I couldn't after 10 years of marriage when I was cheated on either. You are doing better than I would be, but I am just an all or nothing type of person. Counseling will really help you if you can get him to go. But possibly you need to go alone too, to sort out your feelings. Good luck!

If a guy takes longer to get ready to go out than I do, or appears that he does, you know, too much hair product, etc., that's a major turn off for me. I think that when you're happy who you're with, it doesn't matter who else is out there or what they look like.

Greetings. I agree that this is tough but doesn't have to be if you really know what you're looking for in a relationship, and for your SELF. The fact that he really did the horrible things to you during the affair and didn't care about hurting you speaks volumes to me. It shows that he is CAPABLE of hurting you intentionally, and of being uncaring toward you. Think about that. That means that he could do it again. Whereas if someone hasn't ever shown you that side of them, it's easier to give them the benefit of the doubt, you know what I mean? I think it's difficult to say that someone could actually be capable of treating you like that if they truly loved you. I guess it's possible that he's had a change of heart but it would be extremely difficult to trust him again if it were me. I can tell that you still don't trust him or you wouldn't be insecure about it. You have every right to be, but you also need to take responsibility that you are choosing to stay with him, and any pain that he may cause you down the road is a result of your own choice to stay with him after you've already had the red flags waved in your face. ( I know it's so hard to leave someone you love ). I truly hope you can come to a conclusion for your dilemma. You say you got back together, and has he cheated since he found out you're pregnant and has he exhibited any behaviors that you would draw a conclusion that he's cheating or wants to? Does he appear "trapped" in the relationship because of the baby? If he gives you no reason to think this, then the next question is, who brings up the argument of his cheating? Do you bring it up out of jealousy and spite? If so, if the guy truly wants to make things right and is really sorry, what chance does he have of reconciliation if you don't forgive him? Men don't think like us.... the fact that you're with him is telling him that everything is okay. While you want the constant reassurance that he'll never cheat again, he'll marry you down the road, and that you're his one and only girl, he will never be able to tell you or show you enough until you accept in your mind that you really want to forgive him. Possibly, you could check into some couples counseling if you want to keep investing your time in this relationship. After all, when baby comes later, you'll want to make sure you've got all your ducks in a row so you'll be able to care for the child properly, with or without him.

I think "moving on" means that you can live your life without constantly comparing your ex to every potential new partner, and also it occurs when you are capable of separating your emotions from the reality of the situation. In other words, when you can go day to day for an extended period of time without feeling sad and worthless because they're not in your life anymore, and when you can feel confident that you do not need anyone in order to be happy and content with yourself. When you no longer depend on anyone else to make you happy, you have moved on. Some people never fully heal before they jump into another relationship. This causes problems because in order to move forward you have to accept and own the past, and deal with it before you can progress and learn from it. If you keep carrying the same problems into all of your relationships, you'll find that you will never be happy. That's why No Contact (NC) is so important after a breakup. So you can heal without allowing your ex to keep re-opening your wounds. Then when you are strong enough to confront them or answer their calls, you will be in a better position to handle whatever they throw your way. You'll be emotionally stronger for "training" yourself to live without them. I wouldn't worry about never getting over someone. I think most people do, but I guess it's possible that some people never do, but it's only because they choose to wallow in their sorrow instead of moving on. None of us think we'll ever get over our partners, initially. Then later on, after reality sinks in and you get tired of feeling sad, you start to realize that you're wasting time and that you could spend that time in more productive ways. But the grieving process is extremely important because if you don't get out all the crying and sadness, it will bottle up and cause physical problems later. Hope this helps some, it's just my opinion of course.

Personally, I prefer blond hair on a man. I always thought the saying referred to their skin as being tanned anyway! Not their hair being dark. Shows what I know.

I think everyone here, including Digly had some good points, it's just that some have more tact than others. Digly, you WERE a little rough on the guy. And you did make a lot of generalizations. But I think since you took the time to write so much, it should be noted that at least you tried to help in your own way. And as I said, I think a lot of what you said is true but sometimes things can be said in a way where they would not offend anyone. Not every first girlfriend is going to walk all over an inexperienced guy... that was just too stereotypical of a response really. Besides, this guy already knows he isn't experienced, he didn't need to be told again and again with such harsh undertones. For the original poster, I think what this boils down to is yes, you are starting late. But everyone is different. The only real way you're going to figure all of this out is one word: Life. We all go through it, we all play the fool sometimes, we all hurt people sometimes, even when we don't intend to or desire to. No one can just lay out a perfect life for you.... you gotta get out there and experience it and meet a lot of people in order to learn how to get inside their heads. You've got to pay attention to people's actions a heck of a lot more than what comes out of their mouth. Talk is cheap. Look at what they DO and you'll rarely go wrong with making a decision on whether to continue seeing someone. Finally, trust your instincts and your gut feelings when you get them. Good luck!

Hmmmm.... ok. Yes, I understand the difference in the way marriage is viewed. I was with someone in the military for 11 years so I met a lot of different people and learned their cultures. So basically the reason why you're not getting a divorce is because of your wife's parents opinion, and because you haven't caught your wife cheating on YOU, and also because you are content with being seen as a breadwinner and not as a person with feelings. So you are living your life for them? What about Mike's needs? What about Mike's wants, desires, and needs in life? What are you going to do one day when you wake up and decide that you're tired of living your life around someone else? It may be too late to find true happiness. I'd advise to ditch the fling and take a long hard look at what you're doing and the real point of it all. You can't really love this woman you're married to or you would never cheat on her. What you are doing is not fair to her OR you. Don't get me wrong, if you say you're happy with this arrangement, then I am happy for you. Whatever floats your boat, as they say. Thank you for your explanation. I really do appreciate the insight. It is interesting.

Thank you for the insight, Mr. Wazowski. I have to give you credit for telling your story even though you will most likely be chastised from someone. I am sorry that you feel the need to cheat on your wife.... AND it is unfortunate that she does not want the intimacy with you. It helps me understand what drives the man to cheat.... however I am still confused: I understand why you would WANT to cheat.... but what I still don't understand is why you are staying married to someone who does not satisfy all of your desires, and taking the risk of her and your kids finding out and that pain being subjected onto them. You evidently have never been cheated on? I truly feel that anyone who has had this happen to them would not cheat on anyone ever again. The pain is indescribable.... Why not get marriage counseling, or a divorce, still see your kids, and be happily intimate with someone else who fulfills that for you? Are you staying married because it's easier than rocking the boat? What would you do if your wife found out? How would you feel if you walked in and found her with another man? Even though you treat her so well, evidently she is not getting what she needs from you either. After all, being married is what that's all about, sharing EVERYTHING and staying faithful, what is the point of being married and not doing that?.... I would venture to say that even though you think your wife has no clue, she does. I think she's smarter than you give her credit for. I wish you luck in that you can find what makes you happy, all in one package instead of spreading yourself so thin. Have you also thought about the fact that the woman you are cheating with is showing you that she does not respect the institute of marriage, and that how could anything ethical and solid, like a serious relationship, ever come from behavior like that? I guess if you only want her for sex then that wouldn't apply..... Again, thank you very much for your insight.... it makes sense why you cheat, you're not having your sexual needs fulfilled. I guess I would suggest that you evaluate your marriage for either improvement or termination because why would you subject yourself to this inner turmoil when you could be at peace without causing other people so much pain down the road. And they will find out if they haven't already..... Good luck.

killerer, If she's texting you she is definitely feeling something and doesn't want to lose you in some way. You're getting a lot more contact than a lot of people here. (I don't know the situation of the breakup) But yes, you're doing wonderful. Keep up the great, neutral attitude. Even ignoring her more is better. I once used to pick up the phone every time (when I was single) when this one guy called. He began to take me for granted. I soon figured out that the less I was available, the crazier it drove him for me. And before, when I used to call him, he'd avoid me. Anyway, once I hit the mark where I got "tired" of feeling sad all the time over another individual of whom I had no control over, he kept calling and calling and begging and pleading. He even proposed to me. Finally I called him back after he left a bunch of messages and after several weeks went by. By that time, I had already met someone else, who is now my husband. It turned out they knew each other (who'd have thought?) and got into a huge fight on the phone about who loved me more. Hope that gives you somewhat of a positive outlook on NC. I would have gotten the ex back, but I had already moved on. So NC worked out for me anyway.

To "I hate the world"..... blood signifies TRUTH in a dream. And the fact that you dream in color (most people don't) is a gift. It is an indication that have the potential to have great power over your mind. I dream in color, too, and you have the opportunity to hone your skills of the mind to achieve things that you never thought possible. The truth that this dream is trying to tell you is that if you keep doing this, you will die.... whether it be physically or inside yourself. It is a powerful, plain message that you should not ignore. Do something NOW to help yourself.

What did her eyes look like when you said hi, was it like she was rolling them, did she turn and face you as she said hi, or did she appear happy that you said hi????? Think about her body language. Most of the time, a man's entire body, or at least his torso, will face a woman when they are interested in them, but with women a lot of times if they're interested they'll look down and from the side. Of course we can only speculate but body language tells a lot. Hope everyone made it through the weekend OK. I had a good weekend for a change though.

k33, great news. At least he's communicating, right???? Just be yourself and try not to cater to him TOO much, you have been neglecting your own needs and you will soon tire of being his personal "people pleaser". I know he's your husband but he is not acting like one, is he? A marriage is only as good as its weakest link... and he's the weakest link. Remember that. leftalone, I know EXACTLY what you mean about weekends. Before my husband went on this medication, I dreaded weekends but wanted the break from work.... it was AWFUL. I am so glad he went to the dr!!!! I thank the higher powers every day in my mind. JustPlainSad, she'll call. Or she'll talk to you... just be patient. And even if she doesn't you'll be okay. I am really sorry this is tearing you apart. You have a LOT of support here. But you are a strong individual, I can tell. And once you're back up to your fullest potential, whether she's in your life or not, you'll be fine, I just know it. I know that some of her words prior to your breakup seem irrelevant now, but you did build that with her, and no one can just erase it. Remember it doesn't work that way.

I don't think the goal here is to feel like you're "winning" and belittle the other person when they try to contact you, after all, you WANT them to contact you, you dont' want to scare them off by being pompous or high and mighty.....(usually) I mean there are people who don't WANT their ex back but usually they really do, right?) I thought the goal was to grow as a person during the NC and make yourself stronger so that, should it happen that she/he not call you back or come back into your life, that you will be a stronger person anyway.....right? So, inevitably, you "win" both ways, if they come back, you "win" and if they don't, you "win" because you're more equipped to deal with it than you were before you started NC. Does that make sense?