sideline-friend

Yet another (sad) update...I think I'm in a state or mouring right now. My friend whom I stood by and was there for throughout her entire affair/divorce, not only has written me off as her friend, but has now started trying to turn my own friends against me....and has succeeded with one. I still talk to her current boyfriend (as we were friends beforehand) yes this is the b/f that she keeps cheating on, just like she did her husband. Anyway, I've talked to him about all of this and he says he's not going to pick a side to stand on....yet knowing that he loves her (even though he knows about her behavior) I know he will stand with her...and I'm just baffled as to how I'm losing so many friends from her behavior. I'm trying to prepare myself for the loss of him (the b/f) as well. I was told by her, that I was evil and crazy and to blame for all the drama and wrong doing in her life. And her life is just great, now that I'm out of it. It blows my mind that she can not take the responsibilty of cheating and creating such drama in her own life, but just continually blames it on other people. She has lost her 3 best friends at different times, the repsective 3 times she cheated in her marriage. ..and I'm just heart broken I'm added to that list. In one sense, I feel liberated to not have to deal with such drama any more...but I do miss her and the people I thought were my friends. I would apprecaite any advice? support? anyone experience anything similar? thanks for listening.

I guess, sadly….here is the update. A couple days ago, I finally expressed to her, that I needed some time away from all of it. That I would still be her friend, but I can no longer put myself in a position where I'm watching so many people get hurt by her behavior. I expressed this as tactfully and diplomatic as I could, without trying to hurt anyone's feelings. I did not tell her how to live her life, or what I thought about her behavior…only what I was feeling and how it's manifesting in my life. I told her, I just needed some time. Well, I got the wrath of god…about how I was ending the friendship, how I was selfish and a miserable person. I just said I'm sorry you feel that way, and left it as such. We have not talked for 4 day now…and I'm thinking the friendship may be over. Ironically, the boyfriend (for a year now) called me and is really devastated and asking for advice…again, trying to stay out of it, I told him that there are serious issues on both of their parts, but to follow his heart on what he thought was best for him. He kept talking about how he couldn't trust her and how she always puts herself in these situations and she has no respect for the relationship or him…but that he still loves her, so he's torn. Again, all I said was take some time to be quiet and reflect and make a decision based on what was best for him and his heart. On a side note….I'm very upset, very hurt and alone b/c as much as she can be problematic, I still do care for her…and I miss her friendship. Anyway, thanks for listening.

Hi again, I know some of you have been followng my posts and fortunately it's been several months since I've posted. Long story short, to catch you all up...my friend (female) ended up having affair on her husand with his best friend. They are currently still together ( her and hubby's friend)...However, today she (my friend) learned that her ex husband has been dating a woman he works with for about 3 months....the ex husbnd has now gone on to say how much he loves and misses her...and how he thought dating someone else would just affliate the pain, but hasn't. It has now thrown everything into a whirlwind, because she now wants to go back. Sadly though, none of the problems that resulted in the divorce are/have been addressed.. all they know is that they miss each other and still love each other....and I guess that's good, but I'm to the point where I think they are so dependent on each other they disguise it as love. They both claim to be better friends...and the ex-hubby even says he can't give her what she needs, yet he continues to tell her how much he loves her and misses her and how painful it is....and all the while, she keeps saying she can't move on with her life because of this...because it gives her hope they will reunite. Ever since the divorce they talk every day like friends...like nothing ever happened, and I keep telling her you need time away to mourn, or to find yourself or time to heal but she keeps saying, I want him in my life and that there is no way she is going to stop talking to the ex-hubby, she even tells her boyfriend that...and I find all so confusing. I know there's no right way to get thru something like this, but it kills me, that she continues to let her ex-hubby dictate her life like this....at the point of putting her own life on hold and won't move on until he lets her or tells her too (which she openly admits). she has told me she feels a tremendous amount of guilt for cheating and leaving and feels this is her punishment for her actions. I'm at my wits end......is there anyone out there that can please share some thoughts?? thank you. if it helps they were married for 5 years.....have been separated for a year and legally divorced for 6 months.

so, I'm sure you've seen the other post, explaining the situation that is going on with my friend, but she just called me tonight and we has the following conversation. Just to catch you up. She has been married for 3 years, has recently begun an affair with the hubby's best friend....for about 5 months. Her and the hubby's best friend are truly in love I believe. She has since then moved out of her house and into an apartment...and is spending alot of time with her new man. Her husband, up until recently has begged her to come home, that he will forgive and forget everything that has happened....even the lies and sex. However, tonight her and her hubby talked and she said it was the first time he was really distant and she could tell that he was trying to move on...and this now has scared her. she realizes the longer this goes on, the more likely it is that her hubby will not take her back. I asked her if she was still in love with the hubby's friend and she said yes, and the she does not regret anything she's done, but she's scared of losing her marriage, because the hubby is very serious at this point about ending it and moving on. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she was like I have done nothing to save my marriage, but I feel like for the sake of the marriage I need to try and save it....I asked her if she still loved the hubby's friend and she said yes. I am wondering if she only trying to save the marriage at this point because she knows she is going to lose it and lose him...and if that is really the right reason to save it. I guess my question is, is there a way for her to let go of her husband and her marriage? It seems like when something has finality to it, she wants to save it, just so it will still be there. is there a way to let go, and still be happy with the new man? is there a way to let go and be happy and just single? I think her intentions of saving this, is not to save the marriage, but for her to retain the safety net she has, just in case. I really have no clue and am REALLY confused and could use any help or advice from anyone who has been through this or anyone who just has some insight. Thank you.

OH my....I totally thought for a minute there, that you were on of the people involved in this....I've said it'a complete battle between heart and mind. It's good to know there is support out there...and I totally agree with everything you have said. she said she was moving out to find time for herself and away from both men....but nothing has changed, only the location of where she lives...and not constantly being under the eye of her hubby. I'm sorry to hear you are also going through the same thing, it must be so difficult. her and her hubby have been through marraige counseling, and she also has gone to individual counseling all within the last couple of months, but nothing seems to help. please feel free to email me. I'd love to talk to anyone about this. Thanks

okay....UPDATE! first off, I just got my feeling really hurt, trying to be supportive and what I thought was giving the right advice. My best friend, the one having the affair....totally spent the weekend, with the new man in her life (making love numerous times, just today)...whom I truly believe she loves. Anway, she called me and was like I just dropped him off at home...but I feel like going for a walk. She then said, I think I'm going to call up my hubby and ask him to go for a walk. and I kinda of hesitated and she was like what?? and I was like you've moved out and started a new life with this person...why are going back to him and pretending like everything is fine? Her hubby has left her alone and said he'd give her the time she needs...but I don't think he has any idea, how involved she is with this other person. I told her, that didn't she think going back to her hubby was giving him a false sense of hope?? as he's still in love with her. I was like if you are in love with someone else, acting on those feelings and beginning you life with them...why are you going back and pretending like everything is fine? I was like your hubby needs time to heal and needs closure from this all...to which she said, well I have moved on...but he and I have not moved on....she got angry with me and was like I'm not talking about this anymore....did I do something wrong? I'm confused and hurt...and don't want to lose my friendship over this....please help.

let me first start by saying, I'm a friend watching my best friend go through the most difficult time in her life. In a nutshell, she has been married for 3 years (together for 7) and has just recently (4 months ago) begun an affair with the hubby's best friend. Hubby has since found out about the affair, confronted both...and the wife has told him that she is in love with the best friend, has feeling for him she feels she needs to explore, and has also slept with him. Hubby knows all of this. She has also within the last week moved out of her house, but here's where things become a bit strange. Hubby continually keeps telling her that he's madly in love with her, he'll forgive and forget everything....that it'll be tough but they can get through it. Hubby has also told her that when it comes to her, that he has no backbone and will believe anything she tells him. My personal take is hubby is completely co-dependent. However, since the move which has been all of 6 days....she continues to call and see hubby and she continues to call and see his best friend (the new boyfriend) SHe honestly I think is confused and does not know what to do. I told her to stop talking to both of them and take the time away for herself, but she can't for some reason. I know she knows as well as I know that she is playing both sides...but I see this completely blowing up in her face, not to mention I think it's a cruel thing to do. I've never been in a situation like this before...so I don't know if it's normal to play both sides, but I can not believe that the hubby will just wait and wait....while she plays out her love for another man....that is if she's even being honest with him. FOr instance, last night, she went out with her hubby and a couple friend of theirs and then when she got back to her new place she invited over the new boyfirend. I just don't get it....it's like she wants certain aspects of her marriage and certain aspects of her new life and love for the new person, but when is someone going to say enough is enough??? I've completely removed myself from this situation, but it's breaking my heart to watch it all play out.....has ANYONE expereinced this?? can you clue me in on anything??? please? Thanks....

I'm confused and wondering if anyone can help shed some light on a situation, I have never been a part of. My best friend (she) has been married for almost 3 years. She has told her husband, that she is in love with his best friend, with whom she also works with. She has know the best friend for about the same time period as the husband (7 years) What the husband does not know is that her and the best friend have slept together but have sinced stopped, for her to figure out what it is she really wants. She has told the best friend that she is going to see if she can try and save her marriage and to give her time, but also in the same breathe, tells him to wait for her....and yes, they (her and the hubby's best friend) do talk and see each other everyday still and tell each other how much they love one another...which confuses me. I mean how can one truly try to save a marriage when she is in love with someone else and continues to tell him that? anyway....I'm just at a lost. Do you think she is actually going to leave her hubby? Does she truly need this time to figure it out? I've never been thru this before, so I have no clue....but I think her hubby and the best friend are both very much in love with her, and someone is going to get really hurt including her. Also, the man she's having the affair with (hubby's best friend) is also one of my closest friends, and I know he looks to me for help and support, and I just don't know what to do other than listen and be there for him! Please can anyone give my any feedback on a similar situation? Thank you....

okay...I'm new to this, but I'll try my best. My best friend (her) has been married for 2 years now to her husband and they have been together for about 7. About a month ago, she realized that she has and has had feelings for his best friend for years. She had a discussion with the best friend only to find out that the feelings were recipricated. They talked about their love for one another and how they knew it was wrong, but they couldn't stop how they felt. Over the course of the last month they talked everyday about how they feel for one another and have kissed. I had always told her that she needed to do everything possible to save her marriage, that she made a vow...etc. However over the last couple weeks, I have been spending time with her and the best friend and I completely see that they are indeed in love...and when I ask her who makes her happy, she says the best friend. I told her that I could see that she's happier than she's ever been, and that while I don't completely understand, I will support her. Well, hubby found out about 2 weeks ago that this was going on...and understanbly went crazy. He told her to break it off with him, they could never talk again (which is hard cause she and the best friend work together) and that he could never be a part of her life. To which she replied, I can not do that...I want him in my life....so he says you either tell him that or I want a divorce...so she gets forced into these situations...not doing them of her own accord. That has now happened twice. 2 days ago, he told her that she had to write the best friend a letter saying essentially the same thing, or he was getting a divorce. So, she calls the best friend and tells him that whatever she may sent it's completely a lie and to disregard it....that she doesn't want to end her marriage cause she wouldn't send a note. The husband at this point is telling all of his friend and her family about everything that is going on...trying to get them on his side....which I find very odd, as this is a sitaution that should involve him and her and what's missing in their marriage and not a competition to gain support and pressure the other one to make a decision. Anyway....I have talked to my best friend and she's very confused...and scared and depressed. She has told me that ultimately she wants to be with the best friend, but she is going to make damn well sure that she is doing the right thing, so she is going to go to marriage counseling with her husband and see if she can salvage her marriage, but she told me her heart belongs to the best friend and she's just going through the motions of making sure she does the right thing before she leaves. She has told the best friend that if she leaves her hubby, it is not soley because of him, it's because it's what she needs to do to be happy and that he does make her happy. Has ANYONE been through this before? I'm confused and not sure I'm giving the right advice here.....she tells me time and time again that she wants to be with the best friend, even if it doesn't work out.....and then she'll flip flop and be like I think i'll do the safe thing and stay with my hubby and try to work it out. I'm just at a lost at this point as to what to do. and for the record, the best friend and her did start sleeping together about a week ago, and the hubby has no idea and will most likely never find out. The hubby decided while all this was going on, to go on his planned vacation to visit someone who hates his wife in the first place....while he left her at home and meanwhile she couldn't figure out why he didn't stay to try and work this out. Anyway..the hubby now says he realizes what he's be doing wrong, that he'll do anything to save the marriage, that he'll change (which he's said for the last 3 years that he wouldn't) I'm just confused and wondering if anyone has any insight or has beent through this before. Honestly, as awful as this may sound.....the best friend may be the best choice in this scenario. any thoughts?????