VeryShyGuy

I am in the same situation as you, constantly shy and depressed. Is it all you or is it people around you that put you down? For me, its a little both. Try doing new things, like a sport or a hobby or try to improve at school. Try developing a skill you have into something you can be proud of. Well, thats what I am trying to do.

My life seems to being going no where fast. Growing up poor, always staying at home to study, always doing what I am told and always putting all of my own interest's aside for my parents, letting my parents decide everything for me. Now I am 21, I lack a social life, I am shy, rarely going out, my grades are slipping, I never had a girlfriend nor a job, I have low self-esteem and slightly overweight. And my parents expect me to rescue them from poverty like this? At my home, everything seems to revolve around my mother's stress, her poor health and the family debt. She is the sort of person that sacrifices all of her time, her health and her sense of well-being all for the sake of the family and accuses the family of not being supportive enough of her and expecting too much from her. She expects the family to become as "selfless" as she is and that she is the only person in the house that even has the right to even be angry or depressed. My mother (and my little sister to some extent) are the sort of people that don't like to take "no" for an answer. Because of this, I have become somewhat of a pushover, never saying "no" to anyone, even taking orders from my sister who is four years younger. It feels degrading being pushed around by a little girl that has absolutely no respect for you. I get no love, respect or support from my family no matter how much I try. I am tired of being made to feel that everything I do is not good enough. I sacrifice all my personal goals, dreams and ambitions and I am still not good enough. I am tired of having low self-esteem. Such is my low self-esteem that even to smile or laugh is out of character for me. Every time I tried to build up my self-esteem it would easily crumble whenever my mother makes me feel like she is disappointed in me. My greatest regret would be that one day my mother will die still disappointed in me. To feel depressed I would be told by my mother that I might be depressed for only one day but she is depressed every day. That makes me even more depressed. *Sigh* So much pressure and expectation merely because I am the firstborn in the family. In everything I do (e.g. uni) nobody at home has faith or confidence in me. To tell them that I am trying my best no one will believe me. Its hard when I am the only one that believes in myself. If only moving out was an option, but its not, I am far too dependant on my family. Someone one told me once that I have a heck of alot of potential, why is it that I don't see this potential? I wish I had someone believe in me, particularly someone I admire and respect. Maybe this is why I like this girl I know. She is intelligent, good grades, plently of friends, strong at public speaking (unlike me), similar background as me...etc. I can't help but feel that she is the person I would have become if I wasn't so insecure and my life filled with problems. I tried writing her an email once, to tell her how much I like her, however, I never sent it and all I did was send her an e-card saying "Happy Valentines Day!". Not that I am shy or I am afraid of ruining my friendship with her, its that I have so much things in my life to deal with first (e.g. my low self-esteem). What kind of boyfriend would I make like this? Maybe all of this is just an excuse for not saying to her how much I like her. I am tired of being ashamed and embarrassed at my every failure. I want to one day look back and laugh at myself, because I have changed so much for the better. I can't just sit around waiting for my life to change on its own, I need to take charge of my own life. I need to develop goals and ambitions if I ever want to feel like I accomplished something important in my life. I need to improve myself for my own future and also for the sake of my family. I want to live a life with no regrets. I want to take a more positive outlook on life despite the negativity and pessimism that is hard to ignore at home. I want to boost up my self-esteem. I want to lose weight, not to impress a girl but to have a better self-image. I want to somehow earn the respect of my parents and my sister. Everyday might be a struggle to find faith and confidence in myself but there is a vague hope that one day I would have a successful life. Maybe then it would be much easier to attract a girlfriend.

When will I find love? I just came from home a wedding reception yesterday (it was my second cousin's wedding) and I can't help but think to myself through the night, "when will I set at the front of a great hall like this, alongside my true love and simply know I would be hapy for the rest of my life". I can't help but feel tears come to my eyes everytime I thihnk this and I would goaway to the restroom to dry my tears. I am the sort of person that is too shy for his own good. Sure at times, privately to myself I pride myself in being uncorruptable by such things as alcohol, gambling or partying. Most of the time, I feel a great amount of insecurity in my life, and my shyness is a result of this insecurity. What are my insecurities? The declining finances at home, the declining health of my mother, not having any close friends, the fact that I never had a job or a girlfriend before, and the general feeling of powerlessness I have from being unable to change any of this. It is hard to take pride in any skills I have at times, my insecurites greatly overshadow my every attempt to find something in myself to be proud of. I greatly want to feel comfortable with where I am in my life. Sure, I know that I would take more than finding love to fix all my insecurities. Sure I could put a greater focus on my health, uni (after uni a career) and maybe some or all of my problems will magically go waay. Its hard to imagine myself as the successful career type of person. No one seems to have faith in me and as a result its hard to find faith in myself. Maybe with a career, I would be more open to finding true love, instead of getting myself stuck in unrequited love like I am with a girl I know. My shyness, my feeling of being insecure and unsure of myself, I am tired of telling myself, this is simply who I am. I am tired of always finding shame and embarrassment at my every failure. I am tired of living my entire life not even trying to enjoy myself out of fear of being judged or of humiliating myeslf. No matter how hard things seem to get at times, I tell myself that there are plenty of people out there with a more messed up life than what I have. I want to lose weight, not to like "pick up chicks" or impress a girl, but to feel more comfortable with who I am. I want to improve my grades at uni, so I could have professional pride in my abilities. No matter how depressed I at times, I tell myself, stay the course, the grass is greener on the other side. With this girl I like, should I say something to her, although it seems she is not interested? At times, I think why not? At other times I think to myself, I don't take very rejection well, I would feel very hurt and take it very personally.

Will I ever tell her? I don't want one day to look back at this moment and feel that I never acted on my feelings. I am pretty sure she somewhat suspects my feelings for her (well, she isn't blind) but doesn't realise how strong my feelings are. To me, always hiding my feelings, it feels almost dishonest.At this point, I am comfortable merely being friends with her, but always at the back of my mind I will be always asking myself, "is this love?". Whenever I am with her, I don't have these feelings, I see her as another friend. When I am not with her I always think to myself "would this work out"? Will time allow us to grow closer as friends or will time slowly erode this friendship away? To tell her, it could ruin a perfectly good friendship. I want to tell her but I don't want anything to change. Of course, telling her would change her perspective of me. She would at least tell me something along the lines of: "you spend too much time thinking about me". At worst, she would sever this friendship and I would never see and talk to her again. Will I be open and tell her, or will I forever harbor my feelings for her and always silently screaming to myself in my head: "THIS ISN'T LOVE!". I want my feelings to be known, but I only want that because I don't know what to do with my feelings, not knowing what to do or say. At this point, telling her in writing, if she confront me face to face, I still wouldn't know what to say or do. The stronger my feelings grow for her, the more it would hurt if our friendship would end. Sometimes I tell myself "turn back before you are unable to turn back. Turn back before I get heartbroken". She is overseas now on holiday. Plenty of time to contemplate to myself, where is this leading? Is this love? Will she ever feel the same way for me? Will I be stuck forever holding back my feelings?

I wish I had more confidence and more self-esteem. I have said so a couple of times now on this forum. I want to be able to change myself for the better, however, most of the time it feels like I am unable to change at all. Normally I am a shy guy and a lot of people that know me has called me "shy". Sometimes it feels like any confidence I have is only a front to hide my "shy nature". Am I really gaining self-esteem and confidence or am I just merely covering up all my flaws and concerns with a front of confidence. Conversely, sometimes I feel that I not shy at all (e.g. around my friends or at home). Have I always been confident and proud, while all this confidence and pride was suppressed and hidden behind the face of a "shy guy"? My entire life there are plenty of disappointments and failures. Are all of these "failures" and "disappointments" a result of holding back all my confidence? At times I feel shy/reclusive/quiet while at other times I feel confident and proud of myself. Meeting this girl I like, never before have I wished for confidence and self-esteem. I would like to know, do I feel like I have changed? Everyone I meet, will it always be such an inner struggle to break out of my shy self to make a new friend? For me, it is easy making guy friends but when it comes to girls, I am extremely shy. ______________________________________________________________________________________ Sometimes it feels like I lack the will to do something useful with my life. My entire life, I would always think people are always holding me back. Now, having grown up, I come to realise that the person that holds me back the most is myself, not my parents (as I believed when I was younger). For example, my lack of career aspirations, how easily I get discouraged at university work (I am taking a difficult subject for uni next year, I initially thought it is going to be an interesting challenge)…these are a result of my lack of a strong will or lack of inititive. I want a stronger will. I want more inititive. I can't live my entire life having other people always telling me what to do (i.e. my family). Why does it feel like I have no goals? Am I putting all the concerns of my family (e.g. financial problems) above trying to develop my own personal goals? I need a positive influence in my life. At home, there is so much stress and negativity, yet I am extremely dependant on my family. How am I supposed to find faith and self-confidence in this situation? At one point, I choose this girl I like as this "positive influence". I mentioned somewhere on one of my earlier threads that I feel inspired by her. Does she really inspire me? I think she doesn't truly inspire me, if I feel inspired by her that is only wishful thinking. I want to feel inspired to do something useful with my life. No longer do I want to look 5 or 10 years into my own future and see nothingness. I want something to aim for, something to look forward to. Am I just going to sit around discouraged always looking for a sign to improve myself? Is this girl truly a sign for me to improve myself and become more independent or is this again wishful thinking?

Having grown up always being obedient, I don't have much inititive (i.e. I rarely make a decision to do things, I wait until someone tells me to do it). On the occasion I decide to do things although no one tells me, (e.g. like yesterday, deciding to wash the dishes myself because my sister just got home work tired) my little bit of help would either be criticized (like yesterday, I gave up on washing the dishes atnd let my sister wash the dishes "her way") or my little bit of help would go unnoticed. Everytime my mother or my sister argues with me, I want to tell them "I wish you would just accept me the way I am". I have a lot of bottled up anger and frustration that I would like to channel into something constructuve. I don't want all that anger and frustration to be sitting there so one day I wind up lashing out at someone. I want to have pride in the skills I have, instead of always believing that my skills are not good enough (hence, making me lose faith in myself). Telling my mother that I don't want to feel pressured into finding a job (she tried to set me up with a job) makes her think that I don't want to find a job and that she would think that I believe she is pressuring me. I wish I could tell my mother I to do things on my own, to learn to take control of my own life, instead of lettting her dictate my every move. Many lessons in life are self-taught through experience not handed down by her or from reading books or from school. Living a sheltered life doesn't give me much experience at anything. There is a limit to what I could learn from books or from my mother. All this I would like to tell my mother, but language is a large problem. My own language is no where as good as my english. As for my goals, I would like to find a job on my own. If I do get a job, I might take up martial arts to channel and control all my anger/frustration. I would like to lose more weight. I want to focus more on my studies (I am taking difficult subjects next year at uni). All this is my attempt to try to make myself more comfortable with who I am, to try to have something to be proud of. I don't want to feel like my mother or my sister are in my way. Its so hard trying to find faith in myself when no one else has faith in me. Its hard to try to look at life with a more positive perspective when my family that I am so closely connected to and so dependant on is full of negativity. I want to feel hopeful. I want to work out what I truly want in life, instead of always sitting around waiting for a sign to tell me what to do. However, there is large gap in stating what I want and doing what I want. I just want the self-confidence and the inititive to develop and pursue any goals I have. By the way, thanks for your replies. P.S. My sister is 4 years younger than me (16 years old). Also moving out is not an option. I am no where near ready, I am still too dependant on family.

I am tired of my life being controlled by others. From a child, my mother would be telling me how to speak, how to act, how to think...etc. Now, my mother is no longer as controlling, that role is taken up by my little sister. My every thought and opinionalways seems to be attacked by her. I usually don't like voicing my opinions at all. Why? Because they ALWAYS at odds with my sister. Why can't she accept me the way I am? In her mind, she probably have a set of standards she lives by. That doesn't mean I have to live to her standards. I want to live to my own standards and beliefs. In her mind, it is her duty to show me how wrong I am, otherwise I will never learn. She would argue with me over the most trivial of matters. I tell her that such arguments achieve nothing, yet she she is insistent on continuing the argument just to prove herself right. I don't want to hate my sister, but I do. Does she not realise that she is being hurtful to me by never accepting/respecting my opinions/thoughts? Everytime I tell her this, she accuses me of making myself look like the victim and she accuses me of putting words in her mouth to make it look like she is a bully. I am tired of always never voicing my opinions. She is being hurtful and she doesn't realise it. I am tired of having my opinions attacked. I am tired of all my words, opinions and thoughts amounting to nothing. She reminds me of "Marie" in "Everybody Loves Raymond". You can never convince my sister that she is wrong. The only time she will admit she is wrong is to let you do things "your way" so you can prove yourself wrong. In her mind, she is never wrong, and she probably believes that if she can't prove that you are wrong, you would prove yourself wrong. Never has she ever decided to lose an argument gracefully. Rarely do we ever agree on one topic. Her every sign of kindness to me is to prove to me of how much of a better person she is. Every time I try to do something kind, it gets criticized or it goes unnoticed. Rarely do I feel appreciated. Simple favors she asks for me to do (e.g. feeding the dogs, or washing the dishes) when I don't feel in the mood or too busy, giving up and following orders would get things done in contrast to standing up for myself (by saying "no") will cause unwanted tension. I am tired of living my life to someone else's demand/standards/beliefs...etc. I am tired of always giving up on my opinions just for the sake of avoiding an argument. She has no faith in me, she has no empathy or sympathy for me at all. Continuous attacks on my character will only weaken me, not strengthen me. To have my character attacked, it wounds more deeply then she will ever know. Does she not realise that her every attack on my character breaks my spirit not strengthens it? Choosing not to assert myself makes me feel my feelings and thoughts are unimportant. Choosing to stand up for myself creates unwanted tension and anger (which I usually bottle up inside). Must my every thought/opinion/judgement be crushed because of my sister's simply thinks she is right? Her sense of self-righteousness is always in opposition to my wish to be more assertive and more self-confident. I truly want to feel accepted and acknowledged for who I am. I want someone to have faith in me and encouragement instead of attacking me. I want to be more assertive. I want to be able to stand up for my own beliefs, instead of being dominated by the beliefs of others. I want to improve myself at my own pace, and to have encouragement instead of criticism. I always feel so voiceless, yet my every attempt to develop my own voice is to be crushed. This is how I always feel. Because of this, rarely do I argue with anyone (in fact, my sister is the only person I ever argue with). Because of this, I feel that I never have a strong opinion about anything. Also I can't help but feel embarrassed I would lose to my little sister. Of course, I could also ignore her opinions and feelings just like she does to me, but that isn't the right way to do things. P.S. It it is not surprising that my little sister would win every argument, I am not very talkative (and somewhat shy), while she is the captain of the school debating team and plus she has plans to study law at uni and become a lawyer. My mother used to be like this (not anymore because she is too tired and too stressed), and she would have a similar effect on me as well. (Re-Edited to remove some small typing errors, I am somewhat of a perfectionist)

There is so much tension and stress at home. My mother (and my sister) usually vent their stress often at home. All this stress makes me feel continuously tense and restless. All I want is a peaceful home life. Everytime I try to have a peaceful home life, it is always shattered by this venting of "stress". Because of this stress and tension, it feels that I am not being loved by my family. My family has problems. Stress is one big problem, another big problem is the worsening debts and the declining health of my parents. There is so much negativity, despair and pessimism at home. Why doesn't my family always criticize me instead of giving me love, support and faith? How can I ever build up faith and confidence in myself when my parents don't have much faith in themselves (let alone having faith in me)? Everytime my sister or my mother criticizes me, it makes me feel like they don't accept me for who I am. Rarely do I receive a simple compliment. Rarely when someone in my family asks for my help do they use "please" or "thank you". Although most of the weight the household is on my parents shoulders (especially my mother's), I just wish I felt appreciated for the small tasks that I could do from time to time. I feel powerless when I comes to resolving the issues that plague the family. Never feeling appreciated, never having someone having faith in me (let alone having faith in myself), never a kind word, I feel downtrodden and unloved. I guess I cannot blame my family, somewhere deep down behind all the stress and despair, they do love me and appreciate me, it is just that I never see that love and appreciation. Being the oldest child in the family (and lacking inititive due to my over dependance on my parents) it always seems that my family can't accept me for who I am, to the point that I too feel uncomfortable with who I am. I no longer want to feel unhappy and frustrated at myself. I want to feel at peace with myself. Staying dependant with my parents, my life will never improve. Alternatively, convincing myself that all my issues are unimportant, moving on and never looking back, that would cause me to be estranged from my family. In my mind these are the only two alternatives, there is no balance or compromise between improving myself and being loyal to family. __________________________________________________________________________________________ Very rarely do I feel genuinely happy, hopeful or inspired. All my previous posts saying that I have somewhat gained more "self-confidence" was just wishful thinking. Being shy, lacking ambition (career wise), and overly dependant on my family, it feels like my life is going no where. Ultimately, I am responsible for my own life, not my parents. I want to change myself for the better, but at my own pace. I don't want criticism, I want faith and support. I want feel what it is like to love someone and have them love me the same way in return. I want someone to acknowledge and accept me for who I am. I want someone to have faith in me, to support me at the low points in life and feel proud of me during my high points. I wish I was more ambitious. I wish I had more self-esteem. I wish I had a much more active social life and a more active love life. I wish I had respect, not only respect from others, but also respect for myself. Someone on this forum told me not to be too hard on myself. On the contrary, I always believe that I am not being hard enough on myself. I always believe that I am not self-disciplined enough. The gap between who I am now, and the kind of person I want to be, that gap seems as wide as the ocean. Extending this little simile, I feel like I am in the middle of this ocean, and there is no sight of land in any direction. Also sometimes I feel that when trying to change myself for the better, my old self is holding me back. I greatly need a positive role model. For a while now, meeting this girl I like, in my mind I decided she will be my role model. Is the reason why I think I am in love with her is because of my need to feel loved and to have someone acknowledge me for who I am? Is the reason why I think I am in love with her because I see my own potential in her? Will pursuing this girl make me happier or will it result in tremendous heartbreak and more emotional pain? I am shouldn't be spending my entire life, sitting around waiting for a sign to improve myself. Despite this, I took this girl I like as the sign I needed. Although I couldn't significantly change myself, one thing I am certain of is after meeting this girl, it made me aware of how lacking my life is. I truly feel unprepared to start a relationship with this girl, I wish I could resolve all my issues before I do so, but that would take a long time and she would have moved on by the time that happens. She is going overseas during this holiday, gives me plenty of time to think. Will my strong feelings for her remain just as strong when she returns? Is she my soul mate? I read somewhere on this forum that your soulmate shouldn't "complete" your life but enhance it. Am I try to start a relationship, would it turn out with her getting involved with all my issues, and dump me (making me feel lower then I ever felt before) when she finds that she cannot resolve my issues? Am I expecting too much from this girl I like? I know I am expecting too much. All the issues I have, I must resolve them myself, however I need a significant rapid change in my life to do so. P.S. Sorry that this post is long, I always have a lot on my mind and I want to get it all down somewhere.

Actually, I never had a relationship before, its just that fate has been unkind to me in other areas (e.g. finding a job). Fate doesn't exactly "intervene" when it comes to love, fate just doesn't give me an opportunity in the first place. Well this girl I like is the first opportunity fate has given me towards finding love. However, my lack of will, my shy personality, I don't want this opportunity to slip away and my feelings for her to turn into regret.

Something always holds me back from asking her out. I don't know what this something is. A good guess at what is "holding me back" is because I feel very unprepared when it comes to the "dating issue". I just hope I don't always feel "unprepared". If I always feel "unprepared", then my friendship with her will indeed "fade away". Asking her out, sounds like a simple enough idea, but a combination of feeling unprepared and fear of ruining the friendship always stops me.

Being friends with a girl you like and holding back all your feelings for her is kinda tough. Telling her my feelings I am pretty sure will ruin the friendship. Never saying a thing about my feelings will one day make me regret missing my first (and possibly my only) opportunity for finding love. If only I was her friend only for the sake of being friends (not because I had strong feelings for her), it would be so much easier. There are several times where I don't see her for at least half a week. In those times I find myself thinking things like: -Out of my feelings for her, do I see too much in our friendship? -Is she ignoring me? -Will I ever feel ready for a relationship or will she find someone else before that time? -I am not exactly someone who is teeming with charisma and personality. -If things don't work between me and her will I ever find love again? -And if I do find love again will I screw up again in the same way? -I begin to understand the heartbreak people feel when they have to break up, and I imagine what it would be like to break up with her -If it weren't for my feelings for her, would I have been friends with her in the first place? -If I don't see her for a while, will my strong feelings for her fade away to nothingness? I don't want my strong feelings to fade away into regret (regret that I lost my opportunity with her). __________________________________________________________________________________ I usually feel quite foolish after thinking thoughts like these. Upon seeing her, a simple smile from her easily erases all these thoughts away. Then, the next time I am by myself and I haven't seen her for a while, I think these thoughts all over again. There are some truth to some of these thoughts though. How much of my friendship with her is because of my feelings for her? At this point, I feel like I am not "boyfriend material". Girls seem to like guys that are very self-confident, something I am not. Sometimes when I talk with her, I sound somewhat needy. She knows that I never had a job before. To make conversation sometimes, she would give my advice on how to find work. I lack inititive when it comes to the career issue (actually I lack inititive in general). I guess this time (now the semester is almost over) it is going to be a lot longer than "half a week". She is going overseas for about a month and it will give me plenty of time to mentally torture myself about me and her (like above). It would be at least till mid January she is coming back. I haven't as yet seen her socially, only at uni. Trying to see her socially as a friend, well that gives her ample opportunity to actually work out how much I like her. Letting her know my feelings will change much, it could strengthen the friendship or it could utterly destroy it. This is a risk I am not willing to take. How do I keep myself from torturing myself until the next time I see her? Sometimes I feel like just telling her my feelings, expect the worst and try to move on.

Fate vs. Will. This topic is one of my favourite topics I sometimes discuss with myself. My experience/belief is that fate and will are quite opposite. Being shy/reclusive, I used to think that it is my fate to never find love, and I would need a stronger will to fight this fate. Also I used to believe that all my past disappointments was because of fate, and I need a stronger will to avoid/fight such "disappointments" in the future. Also another factor in why I believed that it was my fate to be single is no girls ever seem to have interest in me (not many girls talk to me). Now however, having met this girl I like, I believe that it is fate that I met her. Well, it is she that first talked to me, not the other way around (I am kinda shy to be the one to initiate conversation first). However, I lack the will to do anything about it and I find myself stuck in unrequited love. Also my lack of will sometimes makes me question my feelings for her and question my feeble friendship with her. Either way, I need a stronger will. Is fate setting me up for regret or setting me up with a soulmate ? At this point, my feelings for this girl is too strong. Thinking that I am in love, it is hard to believe that if she isn't "the one", the girl that is "the one" is still out there waiting. It is hard to believe that if things fail between me and her that I would be "one step closer to reaching my true soulmate". For all I know, the girl that is "the one" (if the girl I like now isn't "the one") could be out there already in a happy relationship. I hope I get a stronger will one day. If this girl isn't the one, then when I get a stronger will (one day), I hope that the girl that is my soulmate will be available for me.

Its just that I don't see her much. The only times I seen her are study sessions (exams are almost over now). As for seeing her "socially", that feels like a too strong a signal of the fact that I like her. Also, I have no idea what she thinks of me. I am not ready for a relationship and also I am also not ready to "fall out of love" with her. As for being merely friends with her, seeing her "socially", me showing signs of interest in her could significantly alter her perspective of me. I don't know, the more I think about this girl the more confused I get. I ask myself things like "what does she think of me?" and "are my feelings for her genuine?". The only way I can find answers to such questions is to tell her my feelings, which could change everything (which I won't be doing). I would feel so awkward if she knew my feelings for her, yet I don't want to regret not telling her my feelings. Which is the worse regret, not telling her feelings at all or (if I do start a relationship) get dumped? Getting "dumped" will hurt emotionally, while not saying anything at all would make me torture myself, always saying "why did I miss my opportunity" to myself (but it would hurt much less then being dumped). Of course, starting a relationship and keeping it is not completely outside the realm of possibility, it just doesn't look likely at times.

Sometimes I feel that if I "try something" (e.g. ask her out) it would make it clear to her that the real motive for my friendship with her is due to my affection for her. I just get frustrated sometimes trying to work out what she thinks of me. Does she view me as a friend? Does she know I like her and as a result holding back on the friendship? If she knew the full weight of my feelings for her will she avoid me or confront me? If she confronts me, how seriously should I take it? How seriously would she take me? I wish I had a clear answer to all these questions but the only way to find out is ask her (which I am sure things would be worse off then just me asking myself these questions).

In terms of finding love and finding a career, I feel like I am at the bottom of the food chain. Its a "kill or be killed" world out there. If you don't actively pursue the girl you like, someone else will. If you want to reach the very top of your career, you must be unafraid to step on some toes on the way up. If you don't go finding opportunities, opportunities will fly right past you. Yes, shy and nice people always seems to be left behind. Because of my shy/reclusive nature, that is how I feel all the time. I feel like I have missed so many opportunities. Yet, when a opportunity comes to me (instead of me finding the opportunity myself), I feel greatly unprepared and feel very indecisive. Well, the opportunity I am talking about here is, I think I am falling in love with a girl. I want to be in a relationship, but I greatly feel unprepared for it. I still lack the confidence to put aside all my fears and at least try to improve my friendship with her. However, I won't be telling her my feelings. Sometimes she is like a friend to me, other times she seems to just merely tolerate my presense. In this latter case, it is enough to plant seeds of doubt in my mind about my friendship with her. Must I be stuck unable to do anything because of my indecisiveness? I tend to literally over-analyse things so much that I refuse to make a decision. By refusing to make a decision, I lose my opportunity. I haven't talked to her for a while (since last week). I just hate it when I have nothing interesting to say to her. Will the only words I say to her be nothing but small talk (e.g. "Hi, what have you been up to?" or "How has your exams being going?")? If she does read my past threads and find how much I like her (she is a member too), I just wonder if she would avoid contact with me or will she confront me about it? In the latter case, what will I do? If only I could speak just as well as I could write. When writing on this forum, I am unafraid of expressing my innermost thoughts and feelings. I am even unafraid that the girl I like might read my threads (well, maybe I am a little afraid, I don't want my posts to ruin my friendship with her). If only I could talk the same way, unafraid of what people would think of my thoughts/feelings. I truly want more self-esteem and self-confidence. However, I don't want such confidence that I become a jerk. I don't want to one day, at a long hard look at myself and find that I don't like the person that I turned into. Confidence, self-esteem...these are qualities that aid people to excel. However these qualities are also the qualities that make people arrogant (i.e. become a jerk). ____________________________________________________________ Too long I have waited patiently for a change in my life. I await signs (and still waiting) for a chance to improve myself. Is meeting this girl a sign of how much I wish I could improve myself? Initially I thought: "Is the reason why I love her is because I see my own potential in her?". I greatly want to admit my feelings to her, however doing so could be disastrous for my feeble friendship with her. However, being indecisive, it feels like I am doing nothing to help my friendship with her. *Sigh* Growing up in a poor family, I lived my life to the motto "you can always despise what you can't have". With the girl I like, I can't do this. I can't fall out of unrequited love with her (tried it several times already, but can't do it). I want to feel loved. I want to someone that I could confide my thoughts and feelings with. Even if I do have such a person, I probably still don't be able to talk about my feelings/thoughts. I have trained myself for too long keeping my thoughts and feelings in. Its only on this forum that I am able to talk about my feelings. Is this the reason why I want to pursue a relationship? To feel loved? To have someone as a confidant to my thoughts? To have someone to be happy and proud of me for my achievements or to support me when I feel down? These things I don't even get from my own family. I can't confide my feelings/thoughts with my family/parents. That would really hurt my parents. They suffer much (over-worked) to give me and my sister an opportunity to live a better life then them. To have them know that we (me and my sister) suffer along side of my parents would hurt them. Sorry if this is too long, I have a tendency to write to much.