Ellie2006

Fatpot, Is there somewhere you can get away, for a little while? Hey, we're here to support you; talk to us, please ... Hugs, Ellie

Hey FP, May I say: WOW. You have quite a way with words! I loved reading all your poems; the raw emotions which they convey are quite powerful. The quoted lines above, I really identified with. Unfortunately, I do not have a creative bone in me but I feel a similar release of tension everytime I write in my journal. I find the wide expanse of white paper to be very forgiving of whatever I confide upon it ... Thanks for sharing! P.S. Welcome to ENA!

Hi there Martial, I do think anger is a natural emotion that comes w/ a breakup; for some people, this anger is directed toward self, for others, toward his/her ex. And just bc you're angry w/ the ex, it does not mean you're not mourning the loss of a relationship, wouldn't you say? In any event, although anger might be a typical response after a break-up occurs, I do believe it is very important that we channel that anger towards a constructive end. In other words, simply allowing anger to consume us would not be helpful for us at all; I may be stating the obvious here but I do believe that utilizing our anger as a source of power to propel us towards healing and to a better "us" is a more effective use of that powerful emotion. I am sorry my response has not been much of an advice My point, I suppose, is: it is okay to allow yourself to be angry but please do not allow this anger to overwhelm or consume you. Easier said than done, I know, but letting go is sometimes the biggest gift you can give yourself. Re: telling your ex about how angry and hurt you are: unless you are *certain* that they will respond in a sympathetic and apologetic manner (which, unfortunately, is rarely the case), then I would advise against it. Their response may end up aggravating the situation even further. I am glad that you are receiving treatment right now. Hang in there and best of luck to you!

Sorry I see I posted too late and did not see your last post ... Please do not do something that's bound to hurt you simply bc it's convenient for her: DO consider breaking the lease OR subletting the whole apartment And just bc she's a vet, this does not make you any less of a loving owner: so please DO demand equal ownership of your pet. Good luck!

Hi there, Sorry to hear of your circumstances As the others have already suggested, I do think it might be best for YOU (not so much, perhaps, for the reconciliation) to: a) discuss the situation w/ your landlord b) give your ex a reasonable amount of time (one month?) to find a new roommate if she wants to stay OR c) Both renters break the lease and share the penalties re: lease break together Unfortunately, she mas made it clear that you aren't coming back to the apartment (by erasing traces of you from her life) and in my humble opinion, I do not see the point of getting hit both emotionally and financially from the breakup. What do you think? Re: your stuff: even though you may not have use (or space) for it right now, I do think it might be better to pack them up and keep them in storage, if necessary. Since you guys lived together, if you leave it there now and demonstrate no attempt to retrieve these items, you might have a difficult time getting them back at a later point, when you DO have a need for your stuff. Re: dog: DO demand that you would like to spend x amount of time w/ YOUR pet, on a weekly/monthly basis. Please do NOT allow her to monopolize ownership over your "your stuff, your apartment, you pet, and you heart" and DO consider taking the power back from her over your heart and your stuff and your pet. One caveat: if YOU do stop payment on the apartment, ask for your stuff back, and demand time w/ your pet, she may resent you and this may hinder your attempts for a reconciliation. STILL, please do keep in mind, as you describe in your original post, it does not appear to me that reconciliation is on her agenda (I am very sorry if this sounds harsh.) I may be way off (and if I am, please excuse me) BUT the length she went to delete your presense from her life speaks volumes, IMHO. Please do re-claim ownership over your life and move on; please do not let details -- rent payment, furniture ownership, pet custody (as important as these details are) -- get in the way of YOU seeing the bigger picture: YOUR RETRIEVAL of your emotional stability via a healed heart ... My two cents. Take care and stay strong! Sending best wishes your way, Ellie 1:

Hi there Nicotinic, Welcome to ENA. I am sorry, though, to hear of the circumstances that brought you here. If I may ask: have you guys tried to discuss the issues concerning his lying and the possibility of his cheating? If you are telling him that his behavior is hurting and upsetting you and his only response is "I don't see why you're angry and upset," his insensitive unacknowledgment of your feelings is rather disconcerting, IMHO. I understand your hesitance to just get up and leave as there is your son to think of ... BUT I do wonder, though, how much longer should you have to tolerate his rather disrespectful behavior towards you ?? Please do consider frankly discussing this w/ him and please give some thought to couple's therapy. If he simply blows off your concerns as nothing (or you overreacting), then you will know that he is NOT willing to acknowledge and value *your* feelings in this relationship NOR is he willing to upkeep a healthy relationship with you. Based on how he responds, you can make your decision about what steps you may wish to take next. What do you think? Take care of yourself and good luck! And please know we're here to support you. Hugs, Ellie

Hey again, I agree with Alabama's advice: please DO consider taking some time every day for yourself -- exercise, listen to music, just hang out with friends, etc etc. Please do NOT think of this "Me-time" as something selfish because it is categorically NOT selfish of you to take care of yourself too in addition to your family.

Hey there Lovecrazy, First off, a great big hug to you ... It sounds like you've been through a lot this year and that you have way too much on your plate right now. So what do you do to decompress? I am probably saying something you already know but it is extremely unhealthy -- emotionally, mentally, and physically -- to be under so much stress for such an extensive period. So getting away, even for a day, or maybe even a couple hours, how viable is this for you right now? I understand that your family is under financial stress right now and while I do think it is extremely admirable that you are giving your all to help out, YOU MUST LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF TOO! In the longer scheme of things, your overall health, sense of stability, and happiness will be the greatest assets to your family's overall well-being. Please do give a serious consideration to take a day off from work to clear your head and give yourself some time and space to BREATHE! Also, please don't try to tackle everything at once but break it down to smaller, manageable parts. And please do keep on ranting and venting here; it does help release some tension ... Hang in there, Lovecrazy! Sending best wishes your way, Ellie 1:

Hey there, Don't cry I do think it might be best to tell your employer so that they understand the reason for the MINOR clerical mistakes in your work ... Also, maybe you can ask a close colleague to glance over some of the *major* reports you have to turn in and I suppose you already use Spellcheck as well? Hugs to you, Ellie

Hey there, Glad to hear that you're doing well! Thanks for sharing your good news w/ us ... Take care~

I apologize if this seems harsh but I do think you are still trying to blame everyone and everything else -- e.g controlling mother, lack of funds, no college-level education, and now, a possibility of a personality/psychological dysfunction -- for your current state, rather than taking ownership of YOUR unwillingness to do anything about your current situation to change it for the better. If you truly believe that you have a psychological issue, you should NOT rely on self-diagnosis based on the information on the internet BUT go to a specialist trained to accurately diagnose you and advise you on PROPER treatment. On a final note, you keep bringing up how you have NO money to move out and be on your own. You DO have a job, however. So you ARE getting a paycheck on a regular basis. You CAN move out and live within your means if you are SERIOUS about getting away from your mother's control/influence, even if it means you have to sublease one room or live w. roommates and eat pb & j for a while. Just my two cents but *stop* making excuses and *start* setting things in motion for you to gain your independence. If that is what you truly want, that is.

Hey there Samross, Welcome back! Like Robowarrior said, no need to feel bad about anything you posted here ... This is such a great place to vent, vent away! It MUST be hard to break up and then have to see your ex on a regular basis ... Yes, do hang in there! And you know we're here to support you, right? Take care of yourself.

Uh, just bc you are Asian/American, and you don't "hug, kiss, or touch," this does NOT mean Asians don't hug, kiss, or touch. And lol, have you been to Asia lately?

Hey there Dave, Welcome to ENA. ENA is a great place to get support and vent your feelings so I hope to see you around. Anyway, HoneyPumpkin is right: you are too focused on your ex and have allowed her words to take over yours. She may have been a great person but her final words to you were pretty cruel and unnecessary and unwarranted. Dave, everyone measures "success" in different ways, wouldn't you say? The occupation of one's spouse can be one such criterion for some but not necessarily for others. In my humble opinion, I wonder if it might be helpful to consider how YOU define success (and detach yourself from HER (more superficial) definitions of success)? Also, as cliched as this may sound, perhaps you can utilize this occasion as a moment for self-reflection and a good turning point in your life, if you are unhappy with your current state re work? Venting is good and this is a great place to do it. Take care of yourself! Hugs, Ellie 1:

Frozenblaze, For what it's worth, I think you made the right decision; though your intention might be to look out for her, it might easily be misconstrued by her. Trust that she can take care of herself and re-focus on your healing. Good luck with everything! Ellie

Hi there, If you guys want a result that's foolproof and trustworthy, then the best bet would be to go to a ObGyn (which I understand might not be an option for her at this juncture?) I have heard EPTs are pretty reliable, though. Also, if she is irregular, she may wish to consider taking birth control for those reasons alone; taking the pill can regulate one's cycle. Hope you guys aren't stressing out too much. Take care.

Brando, I love how the poem can be doubly read: literally and metaphorically! Thanks for sharing ...

FinalCloud, It seems as though that Heloladies was simply telling you what you already knew, wouldn't you say? After all, you acknowledge in the original post that you shouldn't get too excited by her contact. In my humble opinion, you are still giving your ex too much control over your emotions; her message is simple, really ... just a friendly hello and you're attributing to it with more meaning than perhaps she intended? My two cents, but it would be best for you to gain control over your emotional stability and move forward w/ your life. Just a thought ... Hang in there, FinalCloud. Cheers, Ellie

Hey Badja, I agree w/ what BeStrongBeHappy says above. As hurtful as it may be, please do give a serious consideration to what BSBH said.

Hey there, I tried Proactive on two separate occasions: once it worked and once it didn't. Maybe you should consider giving it a full month, though. I only say this bc switching to different products and overloading your skin w/ multiple products sometimes irritates your skin even further. I also second Pinkelephant's advice above: if you find that your skin is becoming too dry, you may want to consider using it only once a day or on alternate days. It might also help to drink lots of water and regulating your schedule -- like getting up and going to bed regularly, eating right and sleeping well, etc etc. Good luck!

It seems like the discussion here has progressed onto different matters so I don't know if my questions/comments are even relevant at this juncture. But to go back to the original post: 1. I question what the OP's intent is in pointing out his mom's control influence over his dating decision. Are you identifying it as a major deterrent in your (dating) life? OR Are you using it as an excuse for the current state of your (dating) life? OR Are you simply pointing out the facts? I ask this bc everytime another poster says "yes, your mom does appear to be *too* controlling," you immediately jump to your mom's defense and make excuses for and justify your mother's actions. Though your attempt to justify your mom's actions is completely understandable, then I have to wonder, why *did* you point it out in the first place? In addition, everytime another poster asks, "So, what exactly have YOU done to move away from your mother's control/influence?", you tend to shirk a direct response. Instead you list and emphasize all these extenuating circumstances (e.g. lack of university-level education, lack of funds/financial resources, your job, etc etc) that keep you from moving out of your parents' home and away from your mother's control/influence. Consequently, is it then accurate for me to glean from your responses that you've NOT done anything concrete to distance yourself from your mother's control/influence? So I reiterate: what was your intent in prompting this discussion (about mother's control/influence)? 2. To answer your question: "are you really using people in such a scheme": Regardless of whether or not sex (or intent of sex) is an issue, you are *absolutely* using the people you are currently dating. Why? a. Your intent is NOT to develop a relationship w/ another person. The people you are dating are, in a sense, a guinea pig in your experiment to better familiarize yourself w/ the concept of dating. b. YOU go into these dating situations FULLY AWARE that they are "dead-end" situations, which will NOT go anywhere bc these people you are dating have been already identified by you as "fundamentally unsuitable." On the other hand, these people are unaware of your motives for dating or that you have identified them as "fundamentally unsuitable." In a sense, you are duping them bc people (in general) date to have fun but also to find that special someone that they are suitable with. By perceiving and categorizing these dates as "practice runs" to polish your dating skills, you are essentially wasting their time bc you go to these dates with preconceived notions that these dates have NO potential to evolve into something further. I.e. Your prioritization of your hidden agenda (accruing a dating know-how) relegates your motives for dating as disingenuine, IMHO. On a separate note, it matters little, if at age 30, you look 21 or you look 50. What's important is emotional maturity (which does NOT necessarily correspond to physical age) and finding someone who can match one's emotional maturity or perhaps, even compensate for one's lack there of. My two cents.

Yup, I guessed as much that you are a romantic at heart! Sometimes I can be but I think I AM more practical ... I guess my logic is that I KNOW that I can't have everything ... I guess what I am trying to say is it is more likely that I will get a job that I like than find that special someone ... and I think I can be comparably content w/ a job that I enjoy doing ... Although I must admit, I was willing to give up my dream job for someone not so long ago ... Pathetic, i know i know This is totally off topic and please disregard if you don't feel comfortable replying but have you really seriously considered moving to Japan?? (I am asking bc of your signature )

Hi again Kevin, If I may ask: so what do you think will resolve this issue for ya? a) Finding someone OR b) Finding a way to NOT be jealous about PDA-ing couples OR c) Finding a way NOT to feel rejected (?) by beautiful girls you meet? For me, ideally, it would be, of course, finding someone to be with BUT I think I could be comparably content if I could find a way to be happy w/ myself, happy w/ my life, regardless of whether or not I have that "someone" in my life. As of now, I am trying to get my "dream job" and if I am able to secure it, I think I will be reasonably happy ... I am not a person who easily gets bored or lonely, fortunately ... And I do have really lovely friends ... Realistically, however, I know that my dream job may NOT come my way. Ach. I sometimes hate being so d*** realistic

So was it the isolation that did it for ya? I don't know ... maybe we're crumbling under societal pressure that we have to be w/ someone? Hence it's the pressure that's depressing us more than anything? I think that may be my problem ... I try and succeed most of the time but some of the time I fail to block it out and then allow it to get me down ... That's my analysis of my problem anyway, lol ... don't know how valid it is, though ...

Me too! I dont want to get too comfortable in the "lie" only to have to deal with a rude awakening! That said, though, I have ALWAYS been realistic/pessimistic, but I have also experienced happiness. So I know we can have the happiness w/o having to deceive ourselves. I don't know how to recreate my past happiness in my current situation, though ... So if i may ask, what triggered your optimism a couple days ago? Maybe YOU can recreate yours, at least! I hope so!