Ellie2006

Hi V, I haven't used it myself but my roommate has and she seems to be pleased w/ the results. (She's reordered it several times.) Take care and have a great week!

Hi Jizzy, I'm glad you had a fun night out w/ your pals! You said in one of your posts that you do ultimately see yourself getting back w/ your ex. BUT in your original post, you wrote that the reasons your ex broke up w/ you were because he "needed to find himself and figure out how to make himself happy." Unless he's found himself and figured out how to make himself happy since you guys broke up, you may find yourself in the same position in the near future, if you get back together w/ him now. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but unless he takes care of the issues that broke you guys up before, they will come creeping back into the relationship sooner or later, IMO. J, I know you guys still care for each other BUT now is not the time to get back together, I don't think. This is my two cents worth and I hope I haven't offended you w/ my bluntness. Hang in there okay and I send best wishes your way...

Hey JizzyM, I understand why you guys chose to remain roommates ... but I can't help but feel that (even though it makes sense financially?) you're putting yourself through needless (?) drama bc you're in such close contact w/ him after the breakup? I agree w/ Derailed -- both you and your ex sound like nice people BUT maybe this is, in a strange way, keeping you guys from moving on from the relatiomship?? May i ask you this: what do you ultimately want to see happen b/t you and your ex? Do you see yourself getting back together w/ him? If your answer is no, maybe it would be best to try and put some physical distance between you and your ex? If you are truly trying to move on w/ your life, keeping your distance might be useful ... Just my two cents worth ... Best wishes to you!

There will always be extenuating circumstances ...and since we all make mistakes, I wouldn't necessarily judge someone for cheating. Can I *understand* what prompted the cheating to occur: of course! But if you asked me point blank can it be *justified*: my answer would be a resounding "no" ...

Hey ISF, Sounds like you're doing well on your road to recovery! Best wishes to you ...

Hey ISF, Sorry for your pain. LDRs are tough! But the distance can actually work FOR you. I was in a LDR and when we broke up, I think it helped that I didnt have to worry about running into my ex at some random place on the street ... Hang in there!

Hey M, I agree w/ Kellbell -- she's contacting you bc you've kept to NC. What you do from now on depends on what you want -- do you want to get back together or do you want to move on? If you want to move on, maintain NC. No need to even tell her that it's over, IMO. If you keep w/ NC, I am sure she will get the message at some point, preferably sooner rather than later! BUT if you want to get back together, DN makes an excellent point: you should tell her that she has one chance -- now or never -- to decide whether or not she wants to put in the necessary effort to piece your relationship back together. RE: Ultimatums -- sometimes they are necessary evil. From your gf's past behavior, she may go back and forth ad infinitum and drive you crazy w/ her indecision in the process. No need to put yourself through that. If she wants to work on the relationship -- great. The sooner you start, the better. If she does not want to work on the relationship/ does not know/ cannot make a decision right now -- good-bye. Just my two cents worth Take care and hang in there!

Melly, But it *is* kind of about the porn too isn't it? Maybe I'm comparing apples and oranges here but if your bf had been looking at a site to send you flowers and lied about it, would you have reacted in the same manner? That said, his lying *is* the biggest issue here, esp. since you caught him in all three of the lies that he told in the past two weeks. You say in your first post that you have doubts about the future of your relationship even though you love him. Are you willing to give him one more chance? Would you be willing to forgive him if he had been lying about anything but porn?? Would you have been more forgiving if he owned up to visiting a porn site but said he would keep on seeing porn bc it's "just what guys do"?? Sorry for your pain; hang in there ...

Hey N, No, no, I did *not* mean to imply you were a "total dirtbag" (sorry if my post came accross that way ...) Hmm.. I don't know if this is what you want to hear but you say above that you looked your whole life for someone *like* her? I do not mean to be nitpicky about semantics but maybe you love the "idea" of her (a total cliche, I know ) -- instead of *HER* The bottom line is she is *not* satisfying a certain part of your life and so you went outside the relationship to look for it. Maybe this is an indication that, as wonderful as she is, she is not the one for you ... Just my two cents worth ...

Hey N, I think this was exactly the point that S_Finch was trying to make! I.e. if you and your gf were put into a situation in which she (either consciously or inadvertently) became the taker, you are saying then you would *NOT* be w/ her. I.e. your love for her is *conditional* on the fact that she is a giver and would do anything that you would ask her to do. If she no longer did those things for you, you would not be w/ her. She may love you but are you sure you love her? I don't know but from my experience, if one person is consistently the giver (your gf) and the other person is the taker, the constant "sacrifices" get old really quickly ... you have to both compromise and work together to make a relationship work and (I don't mean to judge but...) you already have betrayed her trust big time. I too agree w/ the other posters ... as wonderful as your gf is, maybe she's NOT the person for you ... Just my two cents worth.

Hey M-life, Hope you're doing better today. Your ex-gf, like Kellbell and DN and other posters pointed out, is being extremely selfish. There is absolutely NO reason for you to be in the receiving end of what can only be perceived as cruelty on her part. You say above that you still want her back, which I *can* understand to a certain extent. But you really need to open your eyes and see what this girl is doing -- which is intentionally hurting someone -- YOU -- that supposedly she cares about. Hey, if she cares about you and is treating you this way, I wouldn't want to see how she treats the people she doesn't care about! M, you need to unplug your phone, and SERIOUSLY consider if you really want to be with this person -- who's manipulative and inconsiderate of other people's feelings ... Good luck to you ...

Hey M-life, I too am sorry that she was merely being too dramatic! I think KellBell and Annie are giving you great advice here: Now you know what she wanted, you don't have to worry about it or think about it anymore and simply go on w/ your NC. Your ex has proven herself to be selfish and jealous ... these are not qualities of a good gf ... these are not good qualities period... Best wishes to you ...

M-life, you have to do what you think is right but I don't see why you need to be upset for the next 40 minutes worrying about why she called, if she'll call again, et cetera et cetera ... Just call her, see what she wants, and put the matter to rest if she doesn't want to talk about anything relevant to *YOU*! Good luck!

Hey sorry if this creates even more conflict but I kind of agree w/ DN ... If you don't pick up, she's going to keep on calling. Just pick up the next time she calls or call her to see what she so *urgently* needs to talk to you about. If it's *NOT* about getting back together, then you can always implement NC again. Best wishes to you ...

Hey Trashmail, Sorry for the pain you're going through right now. I was going to agree w/Silky 88's advice. Maybe the conflict your gf had was *not* about moving on to the next step in your relationship but about living together, which she might have only considered doing *after* she's married. But don't give up hope since you guys agreed to revisit the matter in a couple days. Hang in there!

Hey D, How have you been doing? Recently, I've been feeling much better. I still hurt once in a while but I guess that's to be expected Hope everything in your life's going wonderfully! Sending best wishes your way ...

Hi M, It means "no contact."

Dear Don, I just found your thread and read it today. I am amazed by your personal integrity, strength, and generosity. I have seen your post here and there throughout the forum and really appreciated your willingness to help others by giving advice and sharing your story when you're hurting too. Thanks! I know that you asked for comments/feedback a while back. I don't think I can add much but am learning a lot from your insights and the wisdom of others who've posted their feedback here and elsewhere. A while back, you put up the lyrics to some songs that you thought were helpful. I've been listening to this song by Keane called "Hamburg Song." Though it's pensive in nature, it's been rather cathartic to listen to it. It brought tears to my eyes at first but now I think I'm making progress bc I can listen to it, be calm, and try to process the message of the lyrics (or what I think the central message is): even if you love someone and want to give them the world, it means nothing if they don't want it. (Now that I've actually written it down, maybe it's too depressing a message! ) I thought I was giving my ex something soooo special by giving him my unconditional love, something, I thought, that can be replicated by no other. And how dare he discard it so easily?! But I see now that it was only special because *I* had deemed it of utmost value. I really did not take into account how he felt about it at all and how such a deluge of love from me would actually burden/pressure him to reciprocate when he wasn't ready. Really self-centered of me, I know I thought all this time I had been all about "him, him, him" and was resentful that he didn't see how good he had it when actually, it was really all about "me, me, me" and how good *I* was for being able to love someone unconditionally, and how dare he hurt *me* when I did nothing to him but love him with all my heart. (A classic passive-aggressive behavior, I know ... I guess this is my problem. I know w/my head but can't seem to stop the destructive behavior ) I had blamed him for breaking us up but I know now that I need to step up to the plate and own up to my contribution in the break-up. He didn't ask me to love him; I gave him my heart of my own accord and I guess I can't blame him for anything, really ... Another realization: it was rather arrogant of me to think that *I* knew what's best for him (i.e. me ). How foolish it was for me to pat myself on the back and think of myself as "all that" and call him a fool for throwing me away because he'll never find any one who'll love him as much as I do! I guess this is what I learned as a result of this break-up: be more humble! Wow, this turned out to be a longer post than I planned. Intially I was going to thank you and post the lyrics to the Keane song. I don't know if you'll like this song or find it helpful but I'll post it just in case. Stay strong! And know that there are people out there rooting for ya! "Hamburg Song" (Keane) I don't wanna be adored Don't wanna be first in line Or make myself heard I'd like to bring a little light To shine a light on your life To make you feel loved No, don't wanna be the only one you know I wanna be the place you call home I lay myself down To make it so, but you don't want to know I give much more Than I'd ever ask for Will you see me in the end Or is it just a waste of time Trying to be your friend Just shine, shine, shine Shine a little light Shine a light on my life And warm me up again Fool, I wonder if you know yourself at all You know that it could be so simple I lay myself down To make it so, but you don't want to know You take much more Than I'd ever ask for Say a word or two to brighten my day Do you think that you could see your way To lay yourself down And make it so, but you don't want to know You take much more Than I'd ever ask for