Ellie2006

What a wonderful remembrance of your mother! I don't own a red hat but I'll remember to wear purple today ... Have a lovely day w/ your beautiful babies, SG.

Against my better judgment, I am posting on this thread again. So based on people's response/reaction to your posts, what does this tell you about how you treat other people? It's astounding to me how you manage to skirt the issue you raised in the OP and evade responding to subsequent calls to elaborate on your position and instead, have turned this into a biblical debate. (Juliana, I mean no disrespect towards you. Sorry in advance if my post comes accross that way.) Oh well, as some people have remarked earlier, to each his own!

Hey there, Welcome to Enotalone. I understand why Mary is confused by the situation but I think it was unfair of her to dump this on you: she should NOT have told you that she thinks she is "falling in love with you" and proceed to express that she is wondering about giving her ex another chance. If anything, she is still not over her ex Ron and this will not bode well for the beginning of your relationship; ghosts from the relationship past should not haunt you and Mary's relationship. Perhaps Ron's recent move on Mary was inconsiderate BUT (sorry if I am being harsh here) so was Mary's admission of her indecisiveness. If anything she is sending you very mixed messages and it sounds like she could flip flop (and consequently hurt you). If this is a chance you're willing to take, then fine but in my humble opinion, it might be best to give her more time and space to figure out who she truly wants to be with. Just my two cents worth. Good luck!

Ach yes, those terrible rollercoaster feelings Everyone has those desperate feelings of ohmigosh, what-have-i-done, what-if-i-never-find-someone-else-like-her, etc. etc. BUT the good thing is, these feelings DO subside. Just try to keep busy and your mind off her. Easier said than done, I know but we can't avoid having these feelings and it's not good to suppress them too much. So allow yourself to feel but distract yourself so that you don't get overwhelmed by them. Hang in there!

Leewils, I hear ya! What kind of weird feelings? Also are they manageable for now?

Hi Anonyme, IMHO, NC is not only beneficial for her but for you as well -- the questions you raise above, perhaps, can be addressed during NC? In other words, with the space and time afforded by NC, you can ask yourself if you do wish to remain friends w/ her (after you both heal) as well as deal w/ the guilt you feel over hurting her? Just *my* opinion but I think if you do remain in contact w/ her, your guilt may be compounded as you witness to what extent you have hurt her ... Re: regret: well, everyone, IMO, at one point or another, second guess their decision to breakup. BUT once you do (make your decision to breakup), please do not confuse your ex even further by flip-flopping on her. If you are unsure, think about what you want very carefully BEFORE you initiate the breakup. Just my two cents. Good luck.

Hey there, How about seeing it this way? As the dumpee, she may be inclined to get her hopes up if you continue to contact her, which may end up hurting her more in the end. So how about giving her the time and space to heal her heart and if you guys are meant to be friends, you guys can agree to salvage the friendship at a later date. What do you think?

L, Sorry for posting again, but I just wanted to point this out: I dislike being in limbo as much as you seem to. So how about taking yourself out of this suspended state? Either ask him how he thinks you guys can resolve this issue together (perhaps seeing a (sex) therapist might help?) OR if he doesn't think it can be resolved, then perhaps you can decide for yourself (and your emotional well-being) not to be in this agonizing state of limbo anymore. Also, if you guys are good friends, perhaps after a period of healing, you guys can salvage your friendship again (as well as your relationship w/ his family). Just a thought ...

Hi Lipostudio, I agree w/ you to a certain extent that there are many ingredients that go into a happy and healthy relationship. Sorry if I am overstepping my bounds by pointing this out (my intent is not to hurt you but if I inadvertently do, please forgive me) but from your other post, it seems that your sexual satisfaction is not an issue here but his is. It has become such an issue with him that he is saying that he is willing to forfeit all the other wonderful qualities of your relationship in order to attain that one single "ingredient", if you will. Unless he can identify to you HOW you can resolve this issue together OR unless he can say that he is willing to prioritize all the good qualities of your relationship over this particular quality, then I don't see how this issue can be constructively resolved... My two cents.

Hi Marty, Sorry for the multiple posts but I wanted to point out this last thing: If you still secretly love her, it will be (maybe not impossible BUT) extremely difficult and painful for you to try and be her friend. I understand, though, that sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do and you might choose to remain friends with her, despite the pain it might cause you. BUT if you guys were meant to be friends, you can STILL salvage the friendship after you've healed some more. If your ex says she needs the presense of a mutual friend when in company w/ you, IMHO, I do not believe she is ready for a friendship either at this juncture (sorry if this sounds harsh ... How about giving both of you some more time before you two decide "together" that you would like to pursue a friendship?

Martyj, I see that it's been roughly 3 months since you guys broke up; have you tried doing NC? If not, would you consider giving it a go for the time being, anyway .... This time and space will allow her to recover from the breakup as well as the text messages that you sent post breakup. It will also allow you to gain clarity on your stance on the relationship and what you would like to do in regards to the relationship. If after a period of NC you decide you still want to pursue a relationship w/ her, perhaps then you can ask her to meet w/ you so that you can share some of the things you have been thinking about during NC. What do you think?

L, Sorry to hear of your circumstances. If I may ask: is reconciliation what you really want? In my humble opinion, he has made it pretty clear that his choice is to be w/ this other girl (even though he has been sending you mixed messages by continued flirting). L, I am sure you have read it elsewhere on these forums that NC is NOT to fix a broken relationship but to mend our broken hearts so that we can move on w/ our lives. Give him NC but NOT because he requested it but bc you need to heal and move away from this toxic relationship. What do you think?

Hey there, I can only speculate but perhaps she is concerned that there might be awkward silences when you guys meet? If you would like to converse with her privately w/o the mutual friend, would you consider talking to her on the phone first until she, perhaps, feels more comfortable to meet you face to face w/o the mutual friend to discuss these matters w. you?

Hey G, That sounds like a great plan -- killing two birds, so to speak: spending quality time w/ family and exercising! Have fun~

L, One question: you wrote earlier that you are trying to maintain distance from her to work on yourself. Yet the email you plan to send, in my humble opinion, seems to indicate otherwise (sorry if I am way off). If you are doing LC to gain more emotional stability before you begin to think about reconciling w/ her, why drop her these seemingly subtle hints about your state of mind? Again I apologize if I am reaching here but it almost seems as though you are probing to see how SHE feels before you decide what you want to do? How about taking the time away to figure out what you want first and then with that clarity of mind, approach her and let her know where you stand and what you want to see happen in the relationship? Just a thought ...

L, it's not been long since you guys last broke up so (as you probably already know) what you're feeling now is natural. Admittedly, though, knowing that these emotions are all part of the healing process does not make things easier, I know. Ach. It must be very difficult for you to work in such close proximity w/ her. And I hear ya about how letting go of these "memories" are so painful; I think I too cried for days and days after I deleted the emails from my ex (my family couldn't understand why my eyes were so puffy all the time!) ... BUT I must say, although it was very hard for me to take that these memorabilias were gone, their absense, in the long run, made it easier for me to let him go ... I mean, the good memories are still with me, for sure! BUT it does make it easier that I do not have, in my possession, things that will continue to evoke painful memories about our breakup. Hang in there. Will you have to meet her in person when she comes by to pick things up? Do you think you guys might have a chance to talk a bit then?

I agree w/ Candy604. If your virginity (which you equate w/ personal integrity) is so meaningful to you, why would you "give it away" to a prostitute out of spite? If you're so easily provoked into giving away your virginity, perhaps your conviction and commitment to staying a virgin didn't mean much to start with. Also, Luke, you could have posed this question on your other thread, since you raised this same question over there.

Hey L, What's going on? Are you okay? Okay, I re-read the post above ... is she coming over today?!

What exactly about the thread did you want me to take note of? The fact that the original poster of that thread states he felt "angry, hurt, and vengeful" that his gf was not a virgin that he was contemplating exploiting an innocent bystander, who means "nothing to him" to "lose" his virginity? Or the fact that he contemplated cheating on his gf to "get back at the female sex in general"?

Balance roughly means "equal distribution" -- if one has "more" than the other, how is this balance?

Aren't you contradicting yourself here? Which is it? Is it about "proper balance" or a man having more "authority"?

No, the "retroactive" comment was the least of *my* concerns -- as I said before, albeit problematic, it was a novel idea that prompted an interesting discussion about virginity, commitment, masculinty, femininity, submissiveness, gender hierarchy, "mail order brides" etc.. Others may have taken issues with other matters, but for me at least, it was your subsequent comments about women that I found disconcerting. Definitions of gender and social perceptions about virginity, (in)fidelity, committment are NOT private matters for women, IMHO. And most definitely, they are NOT an "eww thing"; if this was the case, only men would be posting on the "Infidelity" forum, wouldn't you say? So you ask what betrays a lack of respect for women in the comments you made? 1. Your essentialization of gender stereotypes -- i.e. men must be dominant and women must be submissive 2. Your comment that non-virginal females are "immodest" women with "brazen looks in their eyes" who cannot be submissive to their respective spouse (and ultimately committing the cardinal sin of emasculating him) 3. Your comment that a man can only be a "true man" if he takes "charge of a relationship." 4. Your comment about "Ukrainian women" and "mail order brides" -- who, according to you, are women who know "their place." 5. Your comment about the impossibility of finding "real women in North America." 6. Your assumption that a non-virginal woman is cheater who has "been around" 7. Finally, your dismissive attitude about how for women, this whole issue is a "eww" topic.

Luke, I'll agree w/ Quietgrl and give it to you that you have given all of us something to think about re: virginity, commitment, submissiveness, etc etc. So please help me understand by clearly and succinctly answering the following questions that you've evaded when I posed them earlier: 1. What is the connection between virginity and submissiveness? 2. What happens after two virgins give each other the ultimate "gift" of virginity and it turns out that the woman is no longer submissive? In this case, can the man ever "feel like a man" in relation to his dominant and assertive spouse, who, according to your standards, is no longer acting as a woman should? 3. What is *your* definition of masculinity and femininity? And how knowledgeable are you on the current academic and mainstream definitions of gender? 4. Please elaborate on your position re: "mail order brides" and "women who know their place": what is a woman's place, in your opinion? Would you agree that you hold a rather Eurocentric and phallocentric perception of women and what consititutes a "traditional" woman? 5. What has been your past and current SO's reception of your viewpoints about women? Since you have shared your rather radical and problematic stance on gender/gender hierarchy/virginity, why not enlighten us further by answering the questions above?

Caro, I agree; although I am sure there are exceptions, this generally seems to be the case from what I've observed as well.

Also, what you assume about these "mail order brides" and/or about women from beyond North America are accurate, then *everyone* with a mail order bride should be in a happy marriage and there would be no divorce outside of North America bc in these cases, a man is made to feel like a man by a woman who knows her place, right?