lipostudio

I think that's a good idea. If he's all weird about it, you can start to deal with that, but if he's accepting (heck, he might even confess that he is as well!), then you can see how it goes.

My boyfriend is a big fan of small breasts. I know that many men are. I think it has to do with the guy's individual tastes - if he's really a "breast man", then it might be difficult for him to be attracted to a flat-chested, otherwise gorgeous girl. If he's a fan of small breasts or some other body part(s), I wouldn't think it would be a problem at all.

I'm not my boyfriend's ideal, either (his being petite but curvy Brazilian/Latina women with dark hair, me being normal sized, fair haired and fair skinned), and it has caused a lot of friction to the point where I'm not sure where our relationship is going to go. So when I say I know what you mean, I really do. Exactly the same words cross my lips - the sex is great, but just not frequent enough for me. He says he's a less sexual person than me, which I think is true, and there's also the attraction/type issue. For me, this is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with in a relationship. We've been together for 4.5 years. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's easy, but I think in the long run, he's made his mind up that because I'm not the type that he wants, we aren't going to make it. We're in a trial period at the moment to see how things are after we settle into a new location after a move. The point is, a lot of people on here have told me that I should give up on it because sex is important and it's not what I want it to be all of the time. And also that I should have someone who thinks I'm beautiful and wants to be with me as I am. And those points are valid, but they don't change the fact that we are in love and have been through a lot - and I seriously question whether it's worth losing something so special because of sex, which naturally fades with time anyway. Anyway, I'm rambling. Feel free to PM me and we can talk more - it certainly seems like we're in a similar boat.

Sex therapy. Read self-help books about it or find a local class - often community centres or other community organisations run them, or you could find a private therapist if that was an option for you financially. A lot of people think sex therapy is mostly only for older couples, but it needn't be.

Thank you for all of the replies, gents. I'm comforted, and I think the point a lot of you made, that it's not how much you have but how often you watch it, is a good one. And, as I suspected, there's a huge range, but it seems those in the "computer native" generation have generous amounts. I suppose having a computer with 100+GB means you can store lots and then have whatever you're in the mood for when you're in the mood. I ask because I don't understand the obsession. I've got a fairly "non-sexual" guy who openly admits to masturbating maybe once a week, probably less, and yet he's got a huge, constantly expanding porn collection. For me, as a girl who looks at some porn, I don't understand why one would collect a huge catalogue - what I have, which is quite a small, stable collection, does me just fine. But it's obviously a general male/female difference, and having external references (I've never known the downloading habits/size of previous partners' collections) helps me see what's normal and reasonable.

How much porn do you download, men? I'm mostly curious about videos. If, for example, you had a program such as Bit Torrent with a fast broadband connection, would you be downloading porn regularly (as in, downloading 7-10 different files at any given time, constantly)? How much porn do you have on your computer, in megabytes/gigabytes, roughly? I'm just trying to get a feel for what is "normal", although I know this would vary widely. Also, does anyone think having a huge collection of porn (say, a gig or two) is indicative of porn addiction?

That's fine - I honestly don't have a problem with people looking at my other posts. My point is that I'm seeking specific advice about what happens if we break up, not whether or not I should be breaking up with him, and people who have done the research seem to want to tell me about the latter, not the former. I'll amend my original post to help clarify what I'm after.

I appreciate that people have done their homework and want to understand the situation, but I also have a fundamentally different outlook on it than everyone else in that I don't think that sex is the be-all and end-all of a relationship and it's more complicated than my previous post went into. Considering that he and I often have a sexual relationship that leaves me perfectly happy and all of the other wonderful things that we share, I cannot agree with the comments of "if the sex is bad, drop it", although I appreciate this is a widely held belief. If anyone has comments to make on my post and the issues in it, rather than issues in a previous post, I'd be grateful for your responses. In response to syrix's comment about how to explain a close relationship to him/his family to a future boyfriend, I would frankly not be interested in a man who was unable to understand, respect, and not be jealous of a part of my life, so for me it's a non-issue. Current boyfriend is fine with the fact that I have a good relationship with my ex's father and brother, and I would expect any future boyfriend to either be ok with it or work with me to be ok with it.

****EDIT: While I appreciate people may want to reference my previous post about our issue, I'm not after advice on that at the moment. I'm purely after thoughts on the mechanics of a breakup and, whilst I know enotalone is big on NC, interested in experiences/thoughts that show NC isn't the only way forward. If you're strongly of the opinion that I break it off with him tomorrow and never speak to him again, feel free to have that opinion, but I'm looking for other ideas as well.**** My boyfriend and I have a very good relationship except for one major issue. It's gotten to the point that he's said unless things improve within the next two or three months, he wants to end it. It's tearing me apart because I love him and the issue is something I can live with - I don't think it's worth sacrificing our relationship for. However, the choice is his and I can't stop it. So at the moment, I'm in this state of suspended animation, waiting for his decision. It's giving me a lot of time to think about the mechanics of it - this is my first live-in relationship, and we've been together nearly four and a half years, so we have lots of mutual friends, etc.. Considering if we do break up, there will be lots of love still between us and it will be amicable, I don't necessarily feel like NC is an option. The old cliché about him being my best friend is literally true, and I don't want to lose his friendship and support. I just don't know how to navigate the transition. I'm going to be seeking counselling about all of this, but I wanted opinions. Does it work to have one person give up the mutual friends, or just not go to see them at the same time? I'm also very close to his family and would like to remain that way - any ideas if that seems possible? I don't think he'd get another girlfriend for a long time if we broke up, so I don't think there would be issues of dealing with new significant others, but at the same time, I know I'll be hoping in my heart he would want to get back together, which could mean I'm just waiting forever. Argh. I'm just very upset and sad and worried about the mechanics of all of this. Any thoughts would be helpful.

I was in a relationship similar to yours as Girl when I was in high school, for my senior year. He couldn't find a way to tell me and waited until I'd moved to the other side of the country for college. It was ugly. He kept giving me the contact that I wanted because he felt bad for hurting me. Tell her sooner rather than later, but avoid telling her at a time such as finals or something else big in her life that it could really screw up because she's going to be very upset for a while. Obviously tell her before the college applications and decisions are done. Sit her down, tell her you've had trouble committing to your relationship, tell her about the incidents with the other girl, tell her you care about her a lot and have appreciated the way she feels about you, but feel you can't be with her. Don't give her false hope, like that you might be able to stick it out for a while longer or that you might get together again when you're older. Be clear. Be direct. Be honest. Tell her why you don't want her to move near to you to go to college, unless that's the best college she gets into and it really is the right choice for HER, nothing to do with "us". And then, for goodness' sake, explain to her what no contact is and stick to it, rigidly. The breakup forum will tell you what NC entails if you don't already know. It will be hard for her. She'll cry. She'll be incredibly upset. You're going to hurt her immensely. But the sooner she knows, the sooner she'll be able to start working through it and make college a fresh start with a guy who can commit to her and be faithful to her.

I'm in a very similar (if slightly more complicated) boat, myself. I know how you feel! For me sex is more than sex - it's intimacy, closeness, love expressed, so when it's not happening as often as I'd like, or when I'm always the one initiating, it can hurt. However, for me I've realised that I value his other qualities more than my fantasy sex-life. I've got toys and porn of my own, so I can keep myself relatively satisfied - sometimes I just have to remind myself of what a wonderful, loving, beautiful relationship we have. I'd say if you want it more, initiate it more. It's not ideal, but if that's how it's going to work and he'll give it to you when you ask, go for it.

Haha! That cracked me up. Might work. To the OP: Why do you need help coming up with a response? You don't need to be clever or funny, and if you're expecting a break up, why not bring it up yourself and completely surprise her?

I didn't know JW's condoned spousal abuse. Puts me off of them even more than the door to door preaching.

I wholeheartedly disagree with that statement. If you're ready to settle down and get married, go for it. The assumption would be that, as a young male, you wouldn't be, but there's nothing abnormal about you if you do.

Mmmm, well first of all, be happy that he does some housework! Imagine how rough it would be if he didn't do that. The belittling is a form of abuse, like it or not. It's emotional abuse and it matters just as much as if he were hitting you. You mention finances are tight - I would assume that's contributing to the stress. If you had all the money in the world, would you mind his expensive taste so much? I think he needs to have it stressed to him that you are a partnership, that you both participate in running the house, paying the bills, and maintaining the relationship. It doesn't seem like he's getting that - he's not being a team player at the moment. I'm a big fan of the direct approach. Something like "I appreciate that you apologise after you do XXXXX, but I've been really worried by the underlying idea you seem to have about our marriage. I view this as a partnership, and it upsets me that you're not treating me as equal. I contribute financially and help you earn your money by processing your loans - it hurts when you belittle this. I also do XXXXX (cook, clear, etc.), which is a vital part of our lives together. I need you to start respecting my contribution to this relationship more and for you to treat me as an equal in all of our decisions." His response to that should give you some idea of whether it's worth pursuing - if he blows up in a rage and goes on about how he's better than you/more worthwhile/makes more money/is a man, I'd take it as a very bad sign. If he shows interest in changing and gets what you've said, that's hopeful. It's a hard thing to say because he'll feel attacked, more than likely, because it's pointing out something you're not happy with. Maybe couching it in some reminders of how much you love him and care about it would soften the blow. Good luck!!