Ellie2006

Hey Kevin, Maybe we should brainstorm on how to pull ourselves out of our realistic (pessimistic?) mindframe!

Hey Kevin, What happened? You were so upbeat only a couple days ago! Power through Kev, power through ... I am trying to too...

Why won't she do NC? If she really wants to stop all communication, will she consider changing her phone number, changing her email addresses, deleting him from IM?

Hi Bubble07, I am sorry to hear that you're having a hard day today For what it's worth, I do think you've made the right decision to stay strong with NC. Moreover, though you may be close to your ex's family (and even though they may care for you), they are *HER* family members first so it may be best to discontinue your contact w/ your ex's family as well. I know you said in another thread that you still care for your ex and of course, just bc we break up w/ someone, it does not necessarily mean that we can turn off our love like a water faucet. Nonetheless, as you say, the relationship IS over; easier said than done, I know, but it might be best if you let go of false hopes of her return. In the past, I do think she has sent you some mixed messages about her returning BUT in this latest exchange via her sister, she's made it clear that she would like you to move on and you should do so, NOT because she wants you to BUT because it is the best thing to do for YOU. I understand that you have a lot of anger and hatred towards her right now; but if you can, please let go of these destructive emotions as it will only hinder you from healing -- i.e. you are letting go of the anger and hate for YOUR BENEFIT and for no other reason. Also, in my humble opinion, if you do not have concrete reason to believe that she has someone waiting by the sidelines, please do NOT go there as such thoughts will only hurt you more! Yes, power through NC for now -- but please make certain that you make NC count, which entails NOT concentrating on her but focusing on YOUR HEALING! Rather than counting off the days since you last spoke w. her, track the positive progress you're making. Also, please don't forget to be extra kind to yourself while you heal: y'know, the basics -- don't forget to eat, get rest/sleep, get some fresh air, hang out w/ on-line and off-line friends, vent, exercise, etc etc! Hang in there! NC may prove to be a bitter pill to swallow at times but please know we're here to support you every step of the way! Sending best wishes your way, Ellie

Hi B, Sorry, my bad One final thought, if I may: there *does* appear to be some discrepancy between her words and her actions; in other words, while she SAYS she wants to be with you, she is still interacting with him, even though she is aware that her doing so is hurting you and putting your relationship at risk. Anyway, please make certain to guard your heart ... Good luck!

Hey B, Sorry to hear you're hurting right now ... I do not mean to stir up trouble b/t you and your gf BUT if I may ask: are you okay with giving your gf some space while she sorts things out w/ her ex? I see that you say in the post above that she was with her ex a little over 2 years and you guys started to date soon after she broke it off w/ him ... Not to worry you further but I do think it is a bit disconcerting that she admits to still "sorting things out with her ex who's fighting for the relationship." If you think you can give her the time and space to gain clarity about her situation, then I commend you for your generosity and strength and your empathetic concern for your ex (who must be confused as well by the situation). BUT if you do think it might be hurtful for you to sit on the sideline and be put on the back burner while she sorts out her feelings and makes a decision about who she wants to be with, THEN I do think you may want to consider reassessing whether or not this relationship is for you. In my humble opinion, I think it is rather unfair of your gf to string you along while she tries to make a decision about who she wants to be with. You're right: if she was clear about who she wants to be with at this juncture, it really should not take her this long to decide and put her relationship w/ you on the line ... I do not think it is harsh at all to initiate NC right now and ask her to contact you when her mind is made up and she is fully committed to working towards a reconciliation w/ you. It is great you want to support her during her time of need BUT not at the risk of hurting your emotional stability. Whether you decide to give your gf the space OR ask her for NC, please know we're here to support you. Take care of yourself!

Hey Ironpumper, I hear ya about those "what if's" driving us insane!! Just my two cents but while those sadly beautiful "what ifs" are non-existent, our reality is staring right at us and is demanding that we address them ASAP! I don't think there's anything wrong w/ fully experiencing the range of emotions that a break-up evokes; as a matter of fact, trying to mask our sadness or delay dealing with it might be even more detrimental. At the same time, we should NOT allow our sadness to overwhelm us. Stay strong, okay? Also, please be extra kind to yourself while you heal ... indulge yourself w/ a nice slice of Georgia peach pie, get plenty of rest, get some fresh air, exercise, pamper yourself, hang out w/ off-line and on-line friends, watch silly sitcoms and just laugh! Hope you feel better soon! Hugs, Ellie

Hi there, Sorry to hear that you're hurting right now One thing (and sorry if this sounds harsh): Perhaps you did not give NC a fair shake? If, for the past three months of NC, you were simply crossing off each passing day, constantly immersed in thoughts about your ex, you might as well have remained in full contact w/ your ex, wouldn't you say? I am probably repeating the obvious but we all know that NC is for us and to heal us; so other than NOT talking to your ex, what steps have you taken to actively lead you down the path of healing? I am not an avid NC advocate: I do believe that it has to be discriminately applied. I also believe that sometimes people gotta do what they gotta do, even though it might NOT be the best and the most healthy thing to do. At the same time, if you make the choice to go down this difficult path, then, IMHO, you have to own up to your decision. In other words, if you are choosing NOT to let go and to delay your healing process because letting her go and not having her in your life is the worst thing that you can imagine, then I think it's probably better for you to NOT push yourself TOO hard away from her. BUT then you gotta accept the fact that the choice you've made (i.e. keep thinking about her, not moving away from your ex and onward along the path of healing, etc etc) will inadvertently be accompanied by pain (of your own making). Bottom line: YOU gotta choose, as hard as it may be. There really can be no grey area, I'm afraid I would ask that you choose YOU and choose to heal but I understand that sometimes we got to get certain things out of our system before we can truly start to heal. Hang in there and please know we're here to support you in whatever decision you make. Take care of yourself~

Maybe the people responding to this thread and people giving the advice that "karma will get them back in the end" are not the same??

I agree; the thing is, though, sometimes there is NOT a direct and visible line leading from cause to effect; sometimes the trajectory from "cause" to "effect" is so convoluted that it is not immediately evident to us. I don't know why but this kind of leads me to thinking about a thread that Easyguy posted about immediate/delayed gratification/happiness. Yes, it is sometimes frustrating that we do not seem to receive immediate rewards for our perceived "good deed" At the same time, I truly do believe, if you "accumulate good karma" and live your life with a positive outlook, you will be rewarded for it, though it may come delayed. Just my two cents.

Lovely, Bough.

Hey there, I agree w. BellaDonna's advice; your friend may consider showing this essay to his/her advisor, OR if there is a career center at his/her school, they usually offer these services as well. Just from the top of my head, I can see that the writer of this essay may wish to consider the following: 1. It is too colloquial. A personal statement it may be, but this does not mean you write like you're talking to a friend. It's preferable that these essays should be professional. 2. In the middle of the essay, the writer offers some examples to demonstrate his/her work capabilities; sites that offer advice about writing these statements often point out that it's best to use examples that are relevant to the field to which they are applying. For instance, though the "Applebee" example is a good one, the ability to provide good customer service at a restaurant may be of little importance to a law school admission committee. Just my two cents. Hope this helps ...

Oh one more thing: in my humble opinion, I would advise against coming up w/ some elaborate plan to "trap" him -- things may invariably backfire. For instance, he may point the finger at you for entrapment, exaggerate your role in making him fall prey to a "fake set-up" and manipulate and lie his way out of taking responsibility for his actions.

Hey there, You may want to let it go for now; to accuse him (and expose his alleged cheating to your sister) now w/o any concrete proof may end up only hurting (perhaps unnecessarily?) your sister and MAY cause conflict between you and your sis (bc she may take his side on this w/o anything to prove your story). That said, I think it's wonderful you're looking out for your sis. I would not say anything for now but keep my eyes and ears open. If he's a cheater, he's bound to slip up again. Just my two cents worth. Take care!

Hey there, You can get sample CVs on the web. This is one link that I looked at but there are many others. link removed Good luck!

You may consider following up HF's question with others about some of the things she's noticed that are different between the U.S. and where she's from? This will give you a chance to show her a) your interest and b) what a great listener you are! Good luck~

Hey PCPC, Don't mean to make light of your dream, but whenever I say to my mom, "Mom, I had a strange dream. What do you think it means?" She always replies, "It's probably indigestion." Anyway, mind you I know diddly about dream interpretations but if I may take a stab at it: Yes, red means passion, love, sex BUT it also means danger; hence the fact that your ex is immersed in the color red, perhaps, means that you perceive of your love for her OR her love for you as dangerous? The fact that she was playing a game (or trying to piece together a puzzle? I am not familiar w. Sudoku) perhaps can be taken somewhat literally: maybe you think she was playing games w/ your heart? Or using sex (i.e. she's on the bed) as a bargaining chip in the game called "love" ? Finally, her acne scars -- by disfiguring her epidermically, maybe you're (un)conscious attempting to convince yourself that she is no longer appealing and attractive to you? Sorry PCPC if this sounds like total BS I tried ...

Hi Stlyooper, I know! The person who first said that post-breakup experience is like a roller-coaster was a genius! Break-ups elicit such a wide range of emotions and some are, most definitely, much easier to deal w/ than others. I am glad that you are allowing yourself to heal, making an effort to go on living your life, and still keeping hope alive in your heart, even though this last thing, more often than not, stings us with pain. You are right, of course. Someone wise gave me that very advice: sometimes faking it till we make it really helps. I hope it didn't sound like I was passing judgment about your trying to move on w/ your life (sorry if my post came accross as such); I simply thought this was important to clarify for yourself. After all, if all is indicating that you are perhaps ready to move on and be happy again, why needlessly (?) hold on to hopes of reconciliation, which is bound to be a hurtful reminder of your breakup? I absolutely agree. But I also believe (and others may disagree) that being straightforward about your intentions can save you from a lot of unnecessary pain. I forget how long it's been since you and your ex broke up BUT from your posts, it seemed as though you guys were civil towards one another but still were skirting around the issue of what to do next; in other words, she seems to act like she wants to reconcile (kind of) but she does not bring it up. You say you want to reconcile but you don't bring it up w/ her either. Maybe it's just me, but I immensely dislike being in the limbo; this is why I thought it might be best for you to first clarify your feelings (reconciliation or moving on) and then act on them -- if you want to reconcile, then let it be known to her. If she does NOT want the same, then you gotta move on and discontinue to hold on to false hopes. If she DOES want the same, then work together (not apart) to resolve your issues so that you guys can make it work this time around. Yeah, this is pretty hard, I would say. Who can maintain their own emotional and mental stability in such a schizophrenic situation? This is why clarity is key, IMHO. It's great you want to be there for her but don't do it at the risk of your regaining your emotional equilibrium. Either go w/ NC and concentrate on healing YOU completely first. Or initiate full contact and ask her straight out what she wants. Then go on from there. What do you think? S, you sound like an intelligent, well-balanced, caring guy, I am sure you will make the right decision. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck. Ellie

This is *so* true! Dan, you say you don't want to be in a world w/ people (like your ex) who doesn't seem to care BUT what about all the people who DO care? Don't they count? Dan, I know this is hard but you gotta hang in there! So many people have been where you are and have successfully come out on the other side: please know that you can too! Stay strong, D! Sending a great big hug your way, Ellie

Hi Jason, Do it bc you're happy NOT necessarily to show your ex ... And congrats on being able to see the positives of break-ups!!! Hope you have many wonderful things in store for you this year!

Hi Aricela, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all: now I am sure in HIS mind, he's being completely logical and reasonable: i.e. you should only come over when you don't have to work the following day; in doing so you won't have to worry about being late for work and he won't have to change his routine. BUT as other posters have pointed out, he is being rather selfish; if he isn't willing to compromise 15 minutes from his schedule, what else won't he be willing to negotiate in the future? You say in your OP that he usually cares but he doesn't seem to be so caring now ... has something happened recently that may have prompted him to respond in this manner? If this is not the case, I too would ask you to give a serious consideration to whether or not this relationship is right for you. Take care!

Hey there, Welcome to Enotalone. I can understand how the situation must be very stressful for both you and your gf right now. So why make the already-tense situation even more so by breaking up w/ her? While I understand that you are frustrated by your gf's cold attitude right now, please be a tad bit more understanding of her situation: I am sure you breaking up w/ her is one of the many things she's worrying about right now. I think Crazydog gave you great advice: please DO tell her that you are there to fully support her BUT she too has to be willing to treat you right. Whatever you guys decide re: your relationship and the pregnancy, please remain supportive and understanding of one another, which, IMHO, will be one of the most effective ways to maneuver yourselves in the right direction in this stressful situation for both of you. Good luck!

Hi there, By no means do I think that we should sit idly by and sulk while trying to get back w/ an ex. BUT if I knew that my ex was saying the following statements that you've made, I would be wondering if his intentions lie in reconciliation (hence my multiple questions about whether you want to get back together w. your ex or not):

Hey there, Welcome to Enotalone. I too find it a bit confusing that your gf asks for a break but continues to contact you frequently. In my humble opinion (and others may disagree), I think you should consider giving her the following two options: a) Either put a stop to the break and work TOGETHER to resolve the issues at hand OR b) Ask her to respect you by giving you NC during the ONE month break period as you are respecting her wishes by agreeing to go on a break for a month. And during this one month break period, it might be helpful to reassess if this relationship is what is best for YOU. Good luck!

Hi there Regoms, Welcome to Enotalone. I am sorry to hear of the circumstances that brought you here, however Anyway, this is my opinion alone and you may disagree but bear w/ me here: I don't mean to sound harsh but I think your gf has HER issues to deal w/ on HER own. So as hard as it may be, leave her be for now to deal w/ them on her own. I was a bit disconcerted as I read that she kinda put the blame on YOU for her feelings of anxiety AND that she tried to change YOU to make HERSELF feel better. Now, I do think if you weren't putting enough effort into the relationship (and if she felt as though she was putting in more effort), I can see how she might have been upset. BUT to *me*, issues like you being messy, and you not dressing the way she thinks you should dress ... well, these are resolvable issues, wouldn't you say? In other words, (although all situations are different), these are NOT the type of issues that people tend to break up over. Listen, her reasons for wanting to break up -- i.e. taking more time to focus on her issues and her academic situation right now -- seems very valid. So give her the time and space she asked for. And use this time for you as well to determine if the relationship w/ her is what you really want. What do you say? Also, don't forget to take care of yourself!