ironpumper

Something I'm beginning to wonder about y'all. Even though I've known my 'ex-friend' shall we say for 5 years, who IS she for real? What did she do to earn or keep my friendship? Why did I believe that she deserved MY friendship when she offered next to nothing in return? In short, Who is SHE to deserve ME? Now wait a minute here..let's go with this for a sec. I'm a HELLUVA guy, not that ugly, big loving heart, strong family values and morals, lots o' muscles, intelligent, have a GREAT career with a bright future and can WAIL on guitar! WHY in the world should I even THINK she deserved me??? Man, She lost out BIG TIME!!!!!!!! I have issues ( as y'all know) like anyone else, but nothing to keep me from regaining my dignity and getting ME back from that 'situation'. Here's the thing: SHE'S THE ONE THAT LOST OUT, NOT ME!!!!!!!SO here's something else I'm beginning to realize..A good loving heart deserves a good loving heart. TRUE Love isn't love unless it's returned and nurtured. We can adore 'em until the end of time, worship them, put them on a pedestal, give them gifts and attention. They LOVE it- people love attention.....But it ain't real unless it's returned. I know I know, DUH!!!! Y'all are saying "this boy ain't right"-that's ok, I'm learning..Better late than never huh??? So she was the cutest little gal I ever laid eyes on-I realized today that I thought the same exact thing about a girl I knew 10 years ago, and for that matter, every gal I ever had a 'thing' for was the absolute most drop-dead gorgeous thing I ever saw!!! I digress... Just WHO is this person after all? In reality, she's a STRANGER...She's done NOTHING to deserve the warmth and love in my heart. She may have a good heart, but there was little effort to return the love and attention I gave her. I look at love like this now...It's sort of like a fresh, beautiful flower that just blooms and grows as long as it's cared for. If it's neglected, it wilts and dies, leaving an ugly twisted weed. I ain't no weed...I thought I'd bloomed, but I haven't even been planted yet In essense, I'm realizing what the whole situation REALLY was. I have a ways to go, including getting REALLY pissed as another poster has..But this is the FIRST day on my way back to me... Ok, well don't know if that'll help anybody, but I think I'm beginning the road back, and just wanted to keep y'all informed on my progress. There's some really special folks here that get ya thinking...

REALLY? hmmm.it's been hard for me to 'get mad' too...That's an interesting thought, maybe I'll just write a little list of all the inconsiderate, cold heartless things she's done to me and read it a couple of times, get good and pissed!!!!!!!

I'm right there with ya, I'm scared too. I was so convinced that everything would work out and be fine. Now I find I have to break my "addiction", because I've come to realize that's what it was. I won't be getting any more "fixes" and it's terrifying to know I can't. One day at a time, that's all you can do...

To those who posted replies to my pathetic post yesterday, I sincerely offer my humble apologies. I know you had my best interests at heart and were only trying to help me see through my blindness. I needed time to think things through, what the therapist said and what y'all said. An hour of playing the blues on my Les Paul really helped too!! I want to stay here and post and read posts. I think if I do that and continue with the therapist, I may finally find peace after all these years. I realized that I have a lot of things to work through, Blender, Scout and SuperDave have displayed a LOT of concern and I sincerely appreciate it. I really think that they want to help. It's hard for me to conceive that people I don't know and have never met really care and want to help. Again, My apologies, I look forward to reading your posts and advice. Thank you all Ironpumper

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Well, she is very attractive! Superrmodel? I don't know, certainly MODEL material. Hey, at least you got to be with a real BABE! You found her, you can find another one, maybe even prettier! My 'ex' is the single most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on. BUT she's not a very nice person. She's very cold and conceited and self-centered too, but still, every time I see her I fall in love again..AAAAAAARGH

I don't know where to begin...I have SO many issues I'm just lost. I'll try to summarize best I can. I was perfectly happy, recently graduated from college, bought a new home. Then fell in love with a girl 18 years younger than I am. It just HAPPENED...It didn't work out, she was way too busy with work, and still is, but I kept on trying. I eventually decided to move on, best I could, and try dating again. I worked so hard at part-time jobs and finishing school I never had time to pursue a relationship for a LONG time. Also spent a lot of time caring for my dad, who had Alzheimer's. I moved my parents in with me to help take care of him. So I didn't want to feel what I was feeling about this girl, but I couldn't get her out of my heart. We talked about it, time and time again. We went out a couple of times, I fought it because I thought it was ludicrous. I was just too old..I tried everything. No contact for months, 3 months of therapy, anything and everything, but as hard as I tried, I still loved her. And still do. So I start dating agin, trying to start a relationship, but every one I went out with just didn't click with me. So last night, I go out wth this girl, who I'd met on link removed. We seemed to really hit it off. So we planned a date for last night and she basically ripped me apart. She asked me if I'd ever been in a relationship, ever had sex...etc. It's like she looked right through me and tore me apart. She was telling me I needed therapy. I explained about my mom living with me before we went out (my dad died a couple of years ago and mom still lives in my home) and I thought she was fine with that. Yep, I am a 48-year old virgin. I simply chose to be the person I am, and that person believes in not just giving the gift of sex to just anyone, it HAD to be someone I loved, and I always knew that SOMEDAY I would know when that would happen.. Someday. Well , that day came, I found her. And she's 18 years younger than I am.. Anyway, this girl I went out with last night looked at me as if I had some horrible disease. I felt like such a LOSER. My heart broke and ached as i heard her ask me those questions. I guess it's obvious or something. I'm trying, SO hard, I can't just toss my mother out of the house, she's old and alone. I can't compromise who I am or what I believe in. This love in my heart for this younger girl is a strong as the day I met her nearly 5 years ago. I don't know, maybe the girl I was out with last night sensed that I loved someone else. I never told her about the other girl I was in love with though. AS I left, I felt so disgusted with myself, like a big loser. I'm really trying to find someone else, start a real relationship. I'm not just sitting around moping over this "love of my life". I can't make her love me, and I'm not trying to do anything with her. She knows how I feel about her, and I know she cares about me. I don't want to scare her or come off as a stalker or something to her. I've put her through enough. I just accept the fact that what's in my heart is there, and I resign myself to the fact that what it is, is what it is. I'd quit smoking, but after I left my date last night, I found the closest gas station and bought a pack, smoked most of the pack while just driving around, wanting life to just 'be over' with...I felt so pathetic. Sorry this was so long. Just needed a place to voice what I'm feeling. Not looking for sympathy or advice. I got that last night from my 'date'-Something about 'eye movement therapy" or something. Just a humiliating experience all around. I threw away the cigarettes, gonna pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going. I won't compromise my values or family for anyone, and if you read this and think me sad, please don't. At least I really really know what love is, that's better than never knowing it at all...

Thanks Ellie! I appreciate the encouragement! I've got a spin class in a while, that always helps. I have good friends at the gym, and they help me out sometimes. It's good to know I have friends here too...AAAAAAAARGH! My heart's aching right now...For a big guy (6'4"-230 lbs of lean muscle) I sure feel like a wimp..

Good luck Sam..I know the feeling. I'm hoping for the same thing...

Thanks Ellie..I know, I HAVE to choose and ACCEPT whatever happens. Scares me to death. I keep putting it off and it nags me, ya know? It's like you know you REALLY need to do something, but procrastinate and it constantly nags ya...I guess I'm just afraid of the results...

One little ladybug (great name btw), Yes, y'all ARE giving me excellent advice and help and I SO appreciate it! I do focus on myself a LOT..I work out everyday for sometimes more than 3 hours, I have a bunch of hobbies I pursue, just to keep my mind off things, I concentrate on my health and well-being, BUT... Bottom line is I LOVE this woman, without any doubt, and a part of me can't understand why this is such a CRIME. It goes against everything I ever believed in. She's hurt me time and time again, yet I still have these deep deep feelings. It's totally crazy, I never experienced ANYTHING like this before, it's ludicrous, but it's more REAL than anything I ever experienced... I've had my heart broken before and was able to move on, why is this so different? I guess it's because we NEVER really gave things a chance..I think if we could at least TRY, I'd feel better if it didn't work. We went out on a dinner date once, and she seemed very nervous at first, but settled down after that. I asked her once if we could at LEAST try things for a while..She said she'd think about it. I never followed up. I told her once that "we would never have a relationship because I'm too old"-She got upset and asked me "What am I supposed to do? Forget about the last few years?" I'm just in a sad state y'all. This NC is SUPPOSED to be working by now, or so I thought. I'm still crying, and having dreams. I just want things BACK to normal again......

I don't know Scout..Maybe..I do feel really insecure, I was at lunch with some co-workers today (I usually eat alone) and felt very insecure, but I don't know why. Superdave, I know you only have my best interests at heart, and I consider you a good friend. You ask what I want, what I expect? I suppose I just want to be able to see her and talk to her every now and then. I know that's awkward for her, and me, as she knows how I feel. But she's known for a long time now, and it didn't cause problems before. I know all this, all y'all are telling me, I wrestle with it everyday. Part of me is screaming "RUN AWAY!! FAR FAR AWAY!" and another part is nagging me to "DO SOMETHING!!"...It's everyday, non-stop. I just want peace for once. Maybe if I could get the NERVE up to talk to her, lay it all out and see where she wants to go from here or if we ever have a chance??

Sorry y'all-I don't really understand how this helps. I'm trying NC, just because I haven't tried it before. It's NOT helping me at all, I feel worse every day that passes. It's been nearly 3 months since i spoke to her.. The thing is, I love her.Plain and simple. This girl isn't another 'crush'-this is FOR REAL...I believe in her and US. You don't give up on something you believe in, you fight for it, you don't quit! NC seems like you're saying "that's it, I quit, there's somebody else for me-it's her loss" HELL no, That doesn't work for me. I'm gonna get wailed on I know, but I'm not giving up on us. I've given her space and stayed away as much as I can stand. I feel in my heart that I want to see her, NEED to see her and talk to her instead of walking the other way when I see her-What is she thinking when she sees me walk away from her? Seems to me like I'm sending a message that I can't stand to go near her or want to be near her. I want to see her and talk to her SO bad, I'm having such a miserable time deciding to ACTUALLY do it though. I've planned to call her and/or see her for 2 weeks now, but haven't actually done it. If I see her, I just turn away or walk around her. Makes me feel terrible to do that, because I see her watch me, and it tears my heart up. THIS SUX!!! If anybody's got any suggestions other than "NO CONTACT" Please let me know. SuperDave, I know this is totally against your philosophy, but it's not helping me at all. I HAVE to fix things, get things the way they were before I lose my mind....

Hey y'all-This is mainly for the guys, but I'd love to hear some feedback from the ladies (most importantly)-Just a thought, but relationships today seem entirely too complicated, too much "hard work"-Maybe it's because of our 24/7 society, I don't know. ANYWAY, The point I'm trying to make is, WHAT WOULD JOHN WAYNE DO? He's the classic macho, no-nonsense confident alpha male that America dearly admired. How would he put up with these women who "need space" or aren't "ready for a relationship" or whatever. He never put up with that crap from Maureen O'Hara or his other leading ladies! Remember how Clark Gable as Rhett Butler handled Ms. Scarlett?? I suppose I'm wondering what would happen IF we "grew a pair", stood up for our feelings instead of cowering in fear of losing our "ex's" for good if we do the wrong thing. Become much more asserive-I know, I know, this just screams "RESTRAINING ORDER" but I can't help but wonder if maybe women,at LEAST some women WANT an assertive, John Wayne type to take control and DEAL with the problems of relationships, communication, etc in a firm manner, telling 'em off now and then, putting them in their place so to speak. I know some guys do this anyway, but there are a lot of guys (like me) who don't know how or are afraid to assert themselves because we're either 'too nice' or totally whipped. SO, I'm gonna think on this a bit, at the gym. Just MAYBE I'll do something about it with my 'ex', since I've ALWAYS backed down before. What would I have to lose anyway? Hey, so I wind up in jail. It would be an ADVENTURE! Better than sitting at home playing video games huh??? (Unless your cellmate thinks you're cute)- At LEAST she would respect me for standing up for myself and my heart!! Dammit!! It would go something like this-"You know something, I LOVE you, that's RIGHT! I love you and I want to kiss you- You NEED to be kissed, and HARD and by somebody who knows HOW, now come here!!! See what I mean? Not that I would say those EXACT words, but you get the drift. I know it's not 1940 something, and times have changed, but women ARE still women, and maybe us MEN should stop being so INTIMIDATED!! Just a thought...You may now commence to wail upon me... Thank you and GOOD NIGHT!! (drive safely)