Daver

First, I want to to say thank you to everyone that posted a response. I'm fairly sure that I sound pretty crazy and probably hold the record for thinking about someone for as long as I have. But, I've not shared the full version of this with anyone, particulary the extent that this affects everything in my life. This is has become overwhelming a good majority of the time. I've tried everything to feel better, most of which included making a number of bad decisions. Most of these were purchasing things to try to feel better and to compensate for my own issues. I even got an MBA to try and feel better and to try look more successful. But it just isn't happening for me. I'm also jealous that she's successful and gotten everything that she wanted and I haven't. In my mind, if I become successful, my issues go away. I know this is probably a terrible way to try to feel better, but I don't know how else to do it. Additionally, I feel bad that I can't share any of this with my current girlfriend, we've been together for 4 years and I've never told her any of this. Most of all, I'm just really tired of having this affect everything. I would do nearly anything to erase the entire experience from day one. I do believe that the self esteem angle has some merit, but I'm not sure how to feel better about me when I've not accomplished anything that I really want. How does one stop wondering, "what if?". Anyway, thank you again to everybody for taking the time to read this. I really really do appreciate it!! Dave

Not sure how things work around as I'm new, but I'll give it a shot.... I spent most of high school and some of college with a great girl, the first for everything. As with most first relationships, things were fairly intense and included a big transition for both of us going to college, which was a difficult time for both of us and we helped each other though it. Our relationship was one of intensity and love. As a result of a poor first year college experience, she switched schools and found a new group of friends and consquently broke up with me. In the process, she informed that I wasn't intelligent/successful enough to date her. Painful at the time to say the least. I spent the next three years of college with her always on my mind at some level. I tried dating numerous girls and I never seemed to be the one they wanted, which furthered the hurt. During this time, I saw her a few times during visits home, usually running into her at a bar. The last time I saw her about 5 years ago (2 after we'd broken up) and asked about having a discussion about closure, she said that her boyfriend won't appreciate any meeting with me... Over the next couple years, I heard various information her about successes as a lawyer and met a great girl myself... But the hurt never went away and I still thought about her all the time. About a month ago, I found out that she married an Ivy league graduate, who's the CEO of a healthcare company. The wedding annoucment in the paper made me want to be sick. This has only made it worse and I have the bad feeling in the pit of my stomach all the time. My current girl knows of this and asked me if I would rather have been with my first, which was a very complicated moment. Our relationship is stressed right now because of all of this as well. I'm having real issues about how to move on from her. Worst of all, not only did we break up, but so far, she's been completely right about my level of success. It's also damaged my outlook on what it means to be successful and affected a number of other areas in my life, mostly related to work. Anyway, I'm just not sure how to handle everything. I'd love to hear any thoughts or experiences that are similiar and how you handled it. And, sorry this post was so long. It's the first time I've really but everyhting down on paper. Dave