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laboheme

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Everything posted by laboheme

  1. laboheme
    I've been following your posts for a while and I definitely think you did the right thing here. You and your girlfriend have different priorities, and it sounds like you weren't right for each other in the first place. Of course you're going to be sad for a while: you put a lot of work into the relationship and it's tough to realize that things didn't work out. Just don't fall into the trap of thinking that it's going to be a break that will shock her into coming back to you...treat it as a breakup, because in your situation, I believe that's what it should be. Hang in there!
  2. laboheme
    It was never mentioned in the post-breakup conversation, but I'm fairly sure that our families contributed to my ex's decision to break up with me. He always felt incredibly awkward around them and could probably tell that they didn't have the highest opinion of him (my parents tend to be very elitist). Likewise, I was incredibly shy around his family and never got to the point of being comfortable...And he broke up with me right after he went away for a family reunion -- maybe he realized that he needed a girl who would be able to accompany him to events like that...
  3. laboheme
    I feel like with my ex, texting enhanced our relationship...A lot of cute messages appeared on my cell phone, that's for sure. There were two periods when our phones weren't working, and both of us really missed having that form of communication because we couldn't send each other little reminders throughout the day. Then again, we only used it for cute things, or else when we just had to say something and couldn't wait for a phone call... That, and I'm a spelling Nazi, so I'd never use any weird abbreviations or anything, which made the messages easy to understand. I'm probably the only person who uses proper capitalization and punctuation in her texts...
  4. laboheme
    The best way to stop thinking about the past is to keep yourself busy. When we're bored with nothing to do, it's all too easy to start thinking about everything that was good...but if we're constantly occupied, we tend to think about the task at hand rather than the ideas in our head. Throw yourself into your job, spend tons of time with friends, join a new club, start working out on a regular basis, finid a TV show that you can get addicted to, get some absorbing books...Just make sure that your activities aren't "mindless." As far as looking forward to the future...like you said, that will come in time. Browse this forum and read the stories of people who successfully got over their relationships...How the breakup helped them get their own life together, how they met somebody a thousand times better than their ex, etc. You may not be able to relate to those posts for a while -- I know I wasn't -- but little by little they get through to you and give you hope. I know I was talking to my coworker a while ago, who broke up with his ex of 3 years...but is now happily dating somebody else. He gets so giddy talking about his new catch, that his optimism is addictive. Surround yourself with positive people like that, they will help drag you out of your pain. Most importantly, remember that life WON'T be like this from now on. It will never be the same, that's for sure, but little by little, you'll regain happiness. First alone...then with somebody else. Hang in there! *hugs*
  5. laboheme
    "Living at home" varies from person to person. You have the momma's boys who are living there because it's convenient to have their mothers put dinner on the table every night, wash their socks for them, worry about household bills, and oh yeah, not paying rent is pretty nice. Then you have those who are in full control of their lives, but just happen to be saving some money by living with their parents because it's in their best financial interest -- mature adults, in other words. I'm assuming that if you choose to stay at home, you'd be the latter...because the former is completely unacceptable. A good woman won't judge you for your decision to live at home while you're trying to set your finances straight. As long as you prove that you're doing it in a responsible, adult manner, I wouldn't consider it unattractive. But yes, it can make intimacy challenging, so if you're leaning towards living at home, think about how much privacy you'd have and how your parents would treat you. You say they're supportive, but would they still see you as a high school student, or would you be more of a roommate figure to them -- one who is entirely independent, can have company over, etc? And as far as spending the night goes, if the woman doesn't mind you coming over, that won't be too much of a problem...
  6. laboheme
    Everybody else has said it already. You deserve better. You gave this guy a chance when you got back together with him, and he blew it. He doesn't deserve any more chances from you. What he is doing is not okay. And if he's that picky about your weight, what will happen if one day down the road you're pregnant??? I don't even want to think about the risk to you and the baby. You're never too old to find someone who will treat you like you ought to be treated. Heck, people fall in love and get married in their 70s! And you deserve somebody who doesn't reconsider his feelings for you because of weight fluctuations... It will be incredibly hard to let go of a 7 year relationship, but you owe it to yourself and your happiness to do it. Best wishes to you! *hugs*
  7. laboheme
    I don't think you should feel guilty in this situation...As a 12-year-old, there's not much you could have done about helping somebody that you only know online with his problems, and he must have been well aware of that when he confided in you. There's really no way to determine if he's okay or not, if he's not responding to his emails. Maybe something happened...or maybe he just decided to get a new email address when he hit a new, better stage in life. If you only knew him online, you can't really assume responsibility for anything that might have happened. Not to say that online friendships can't be valuable, but in all honesty, what can you do? You can't go to your school counselor and say that so-and-so is having a serious problem and could they maybe contact his parents because you're worried -- the way you might do if if was someone you knew in real life. All you have is a screen name and an email address...Maybe you don't even know the real person behind them. I'm sorry that I can't be of more help, but I think that you should focus on the friends that you have now and making sure that if you get a bad vibe in the future, you act on that somehow...I hope that at least typing this out made you feel a little better about everything...
  8. laboheme
    I was actually the passive-aggressive one in the relationship that brought me to this board...I don't think I exhibited all the signs of a passive-aggressive person, because I was never a hitter and not much of a yeller...But anytime something went wrong, I would turn my back and walk away to make a statement about how mad I was. It would make him feel horribly guilty about whatever it was that he did or didn't do (there wasn't always a reason, either!)...so I guess that classifies as emotional abuse. I would sulk quite a bit, too... I don't blame him for breaking up with me...But now I know that it's something I have to work on in future relationships.
  9. laboheme
    Since my ex broke up with me in July, I have learned that I'm an incredibly stubborn person who refuses to fall down and stay there, and that I want to pick myself up with no help from others (except for people at ENA, of course!). Then again, I always had that stubborn streak in me...I also realized that I was taking my ex for granted too much and that I wore him out emotionally. I don't blame him one bit for breaking up with me. I also learned that you don't know what you have until you lose it -- oh, so true. I'm hoping to learn that other incredibly nice, caring, tender guys do exist...but that one will take a while to sink in. Did my relationship diminish me in some way? I think so. My ex was an incredibly caring and supportive person, which was amazing, but I feel that he took a few nibbles at my independence. As in, he always wanted to be there for me and hold my hand when I just wanted to deal with things on my own,as I'm prone to doing. He also made me into an incredibly sentimental person, and right now I wish more than anything than I hadn't changed like that.
  10. laboheme
    Observation skills can be key in striking up a conversation with a stranger. Instead of trying to think of some awfully clever pickup line, rely on the environment to supply you with clues. After all, the setting is the only thing that you have in common with the person when you first start talking to them...and then you find out more. Example: You're at Starbucks...and you see a breathtaking girl sit down at the table next to you. Instead of thinking to yourself that she has gorgeous eyes, shiny silky hair, and ooh, those legs are to die for, look around a little more. She has her coffee...she has a plate with a piece of cheesecake...Hmm, cheesecake...BINGO. You can smile at her, and if she smiles back, say that the cheesecake looks awfully good -- would she recommend trying it? Or maybe she's just getting ready to unfold the local paper, which you happen to have already read that day...there you go, a starting point for a conversation. Easier said than done, of course...But details, details...it's all about the details and observation. Of course, for some people, a simple "Hi, I'm ___. How are you?" works just fine...but I think it takes more skill to pull that off than to use a prop to start a conversation.
  11. laboheme
    I was definitely happier being in a relationship than I was/am being single. My ex never held me back from doing the things that I wanted to do and was always very supportive of my ambitions with school and work...What made me really happy being in a relationship is the fact that I, well, made him happy. Sure, I have a good time with friends and such, but with them I don't get the feeling that I'm the only one who can make them smile like that (well, that's because I'm not the only one, we're all equally "special"). But knowing that seeing my face can light up someone's day...that feeling was priceless and made me the happiest that I've ever been.
  12. laboheme
    Well, I think that men have a tougher time dealing with breakups because they don't have the same kind of support base that women have. For girls, it's easy to dive into a pint of Ben & Jerrys, watch chick flicks all day, enjoy a good cry (or two, or ten) on their girlfriend's shoulder, etc. For the most part, girls have a good setting for letting out all their emotions until they are all cried out and are ready to move on. But it's harder for men in that respect, I think -- I can't exactly imagine a guy crying his heart out to his best buddy (doesn't mean that it can't happen, but I just have a feeling it happens less often). So the poor guys are stuck dealing with most of their emotions on their own, which probably takes longer than it would if they got a chance to let it all out. And as far as the rebounds, maybe it's a byproduct of not having an emotional support group? If you can't cry on somebody's shoulder, might as well kiss somebody's neck...
  13. laboheme
    Well...moisturizer, then concealer blended into foundation...then more foundation, then powder to set it all... But you said that didn't work...so either you do the old turtleneck thing, or bust out the scarves. I remember when my ex decided to be evil like that, I had to wear scarves for quite a while...Thank goodness that I have quite a few silk ones, and I got many compliments on the creative ways in which I tied them. Things like that force you to be imaginative...
  14. laboheme
    Yuck, facebook is the devil when it comes to relationships. It's so easy for things to spin out of control, for everybody to find out everything...I strongly recommend blocking her page from your account (facebook gives you that option) so that you won't be tempted to look at it so often. That way you won't be able to track her chatter with her girlfriends...and if the two of you have contact, you'll be forced to do it in a more personal way than facebook.
  15. laboheme
    Honestly, if the text only says "hey," it doesn't merit a response. If she had at least asked a question or said something profound, then ma~aybe...But a simpley "hey"? Don't bother.
  16. laboheme
    Ooh, beware of this situation. It would be a disaster if he came along, made sure that your friend wasn't going to make any moves on you, and then left. I understand that you're not interested in your friend like that and might even welcome the "protection" from unwanted flirting, but your ex could very well be regarding the situation the way BeStrongBeHappy described. I'm being extremely pessimistic here, but if one day you find yourself going on a trip with a guy whom you actually like, your ex might try to pull the same thing to prevent you from finding happiness...So watch out for that.
  17. laboheme
    It's nice to see a concise timeline of somebody's healing process -- although we all realize that it's unique for everyone. I wasn't here on the forum to hear your story as it was happening, but I'm glad that you're doing so much better and finding yourself drawn to new people. That's the important part. Keep it up!
  18. laboheme
    I realize how frustrating it must be to see that he's out looking for others in a way that he formerly shunned, but...No, no, don't do it! If you feel that you might regress after texting him, that's a good sign that you probably will, and you're absolutely right to not want that kind of result! What good will it do to "compliment" him on his personal ad? Or to bash him to bits and be a total wench about the whole thing? Chances are, he'll ignore your message or else reply with something that you probably aren't going to want to hear. It's possible that sending him a nasty text might make you feel better...but don't take that chance. Vent about it here instead (there's a lovely thread under ex-boy/girl relationships called "What do you want to say to your ex?" that I've been using extensively to vent). That might give you the kind of satisfaction you need without risking a backwards step.
  19. laboheme
    Ooh, can I decorate the duct tape with sparkles? The most important lesson to be learned from a breakup is that you need to be able to get by on your own. If you get a grip on your own life, you'll be prepared for whatever comes at you -- whether it's the ex, a new woman, or blissful singledom. Not only is your behavior stalkerish, but you're stroking her ego by constantly letting her know that you're there and still thinking of her. What a shock it will be to her if you don't show up at the mall for a week...a month...a few months...Two possibilities here, she'll either be relieved (in which case your visits would have been fruitless anyway), or she'll start wondering why all of a sudden she doesn't get that intuitive feeling that you're 500 ft away from her (though don't hope for that). And at any rate, at this time you're probably better off avoiding malls in general -- all the couples who are out shopping during the holiday season can be more than a little frustrating for the single person. And you say it's been 4 years with no hope of reconciliation? I hate to say this, but...you can probably finish the sentence yourself. Perhaps you should ignore the fact that it's been so long and treat it the way you would a recent breakup. There are plenty of threads on here that give ideas for how to stay busy and start to enjoy life again after a breakup. Have you looked at those?
  20. laboheme
    Could it be that you're not setting up your online profiles in an "attractive" way? You could be the most caring, sensitive, handsome, smart guy in the world, but if your profile just says, "I like pizza. Email me if you want to know more," you're not likely to get very many responses. Not to say that your profile is like that...but you get the idea. Maybe have your friends look over your profile and make suggestions (maybe even your brother, since he seems to have a good grip on online dating). I don't know if the forum rules allow it, but if there are any areas that you're struggling with, maybe posts bits and pieces here and ENA members can critique it. Same goes for the messages that you send to other members on the sites. Instead of saying "Hey, I looked at your profile and would like to get to know you better," really show that you read through her profile carefully by including little tidbits of information that made you think you'd get along with her. No need to write a novel, of course...just not a generic message that could be sent to anyone on the site. And don't be shy about messaging members, either -- the more girls you contact (interesting ones, of course, not just anyone in your area), the higher your chances of getting a response.
  21. laboheme
    Victoria's Secret has quite a few bras in size 32A, so maybe you could try some of those styles? Also, I hear that if you focus your workouts on your chest muscles, you might notice that your breasts get slightly larger, because the pectoral muscles will get bigger and sort of...push them out? Just a thought.
  22. laboheme
    Do you mean to say that he's the one who dumped you and for some reason he's upset? It could be that he was shocked that you took things so well. Maybe he expected you to beg and plead on your knees to keep the relationship intact, and you didn't. Maybe he thought that he was worth at least a few tears, so now his ego is shattered. Hard to say... Good to know that things aren't hard on you though -- that's the important part!
  23. laboheme
    I think you shouldn't rule the guy out based on solely what your friend said. Just because your friend thinks that the guy is "kinda slow" doesn't mean that you'll find him to be that way. Maybe your friend is just impatient, who knows? And talking to himself doesn't necessarily indicate any kind of mental disability. I know plenty of people who will mutter something to themselves if they are under stress, or thinking out loud, or just trying to be funny. Yes, there is the possibility that he can't control his talking to himself, or that he does it in a creepy way (a friend once tried to set me up with someone who muttered spells under his breath!!!). But unless you get convincing evidence, I don't see why you shouldn't at least meet the guy and decide for yourself if he deserves a dating chance.
  24. laboheme
    Interesting thought, but I think I disagree. There are so many things that could happen in that scenario... Having sex with that person can make you miss your ex even more -- either how good they used to be compared to this one, or how sex brought a new level of intimacy to everything. Or it could make you realize that your ex was a total dud. It could make you fall head over heels in love with the new person because sex has a tendency to do that in some cases. Or it could make the other person repulsive to you because they had sex with you without a serious committment. I don't think it has any bearing on the possibility of a new LTR with that person. However, you are right in that it does give you a sense of closure -- after all, you were now able to give yourself to a person who's not your ex...and that's progress, I suppose.
  25. laboheme
    So true. I feel that it's in your best interest to maintain NC. You say that he decided to leave for several years...and if he wasn't interested in keeping up a relationship with you, what do you think would happen to the friendship? Do you think he'll put in enough work there? I somehow doubt it. If in time he feels that he wants you in his life as a friend, he might contact you to update you on how things are in the UK, and then you'll be able to reevaluate any friendship prospects. For now, however, I would view this as an opportunity to really break free of the past and the memories, since you won't have to run into him on an everyday basis once he leaves...
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