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About Aschleigh

  • Birthday 10/13/1976

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  1. But if A person has a personality disorder, they cannot determine what is best for them. It's like having a sick internal regulater. It will lead them to make bad decisions that hurt themselves and others. A narcissist will not determine ( in accordance with society's morals ) what is best. They will use people and hurt themselves and others in the process. They lack empathy. They need some help.
  2. analyzing is fine. But you stil have to feel the pain. Sit with it, Be angry, be sad. Do nice things for yourself. Know that it's ok to still love her or feel whatever you are feeling. Know that what she had with you is different than what she has with anyone else. It is her loss. She may learn to regret it. She may not. Do some thinking about how you won't let this same situation happen again. You may never understand what she did or why. She still had feelings for you, they don't go away overnight. She misses you sometimes. 10,000 people are in your same boat every day. Soon you will hardly remember why it hurt so much. Breathe, take a hot bath, find someone to talk on and on with about her. This too shall pass.
  3. Please, I know married couples who have been together years. They have courted each other, the married, they had kids, the live together for decades and they are not emotionally intimate. They don't communicate. They want to be with each other enough to not get a divorce but they don't have the intimacy I am looking for. Lots of people settle for this kind of relationship. My grandparents ( most people's grandparents) weren't emotionally close. It's a fairly recent part of romantic relationships that men are expected to be open and reveal thier feelings. Look around at your friends and family. Who has a relationship that involves emotional intimacy. Not just being together for a long time or knowing each others habits. But knowing what each others greatest fears, ones hpes, dreams, weaknesses, strengths, etc..
  4. I do think it has somethng to do with me. It is less of a risk to be with someone who can't/won't do intimacy. But it doesn't work for me anymore. I need a relationship that is emotionally/spiritualy intimate. I think I am ready to pursue men that have made the decision in their lives to get honest with themselves and will be available to themselves and me emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Becuase the alternative is so unsatisfying.
  5. He didn't want to receive love from me. I think he also doesn't know how to receive love in general.
  6. I don't believe it's a matter of preference. All people yearn to be known and loved intimately. At least I haven't met a person yet who doesn't want that on some level. There are people who don't do intimacy very well, it doesn't mean they don't want to be loved and known . It may mean they don't know how to be loved and known. I know that the man I was in a relationship with wanted to be loved. He couldn't let himself receive that love for some reason. It would be inhuman to not want to be loved in an intimate way. We have that built in. People deal with that yearning in different ways . Batya : I was talking about Hayles who was pregnant and it made her realize she had set up these walls between herself and others. I assumed she wanted her own child. She didn't say she was having a child against her will. Sometimes it takes a big change in our lives ( like pregnantcy or a death ) to realize a lot about ourselves.
  7. But what is it that people fear from opening up? The pain of rejection is hard but to me the pain of never knowing a person intimately is worse. Like is was for Hayles, it may take a pregnancy or losing a really great relationship to alert these people to their walls.
  8. I don't know what I'm trying to say so I will ramble for a bit. I just got out of a relationship with a man that has a massive wall around his heart. He avoids intimacy, he using lots of different vices to avoid really being known/loved. I am finally noticing in myself how much work I have done on myself to remove these walls in my life. I tell the truth even when it's hard. I don't pretend to be ok when I am not, etc.. What I'm asking is : Why do people barricade themselves in? I know it's a protective measure. But when there is a genuine person trying to love you why throw up the walls? Is it fear of beng known? Is it not being comfortable with oneself ? When I think of someone really knowing and loving me it's scary but I am willing to experience it. Why would someone be threated by intimacy? The energy I get from him is fearful and running away from himself. What leads people to do this instead of going into themselves? What is risked by getting to know yourself? He acted like intimacy was life threatening, why?
  9. Be done with men for a while. Regroup, stay away from this one. If he;s playing games and you don't like it, you don't have to play back. It takes 2 to play games. Remove yourself from the situation and get some clarity first. Breathe, this too shall pass.
  10. Write out your feelings and give it to her. Rehearse what you want to say before you get to talk to her. Go to a third independent party, like a counselor and tell them what you want to say first. It may be you are just growing apart from her and you need to have more space. Google : communication skills and use their advice.
  11. Join the Resistance! FALL IN LOVE!!!! From link removed Join the Resistance: Fall in Love Falling in love is the ultimate act of revolution, of resistance to today's tedious, socially restrictive, culturally constrictive, humanly meaningless world. Love transforms the world. Where the lover formerly felt boredom, he now feels passion. Where she once was complacent, she now is excited and compelled to self-asserting action. The world which once seemed empty and tiresome becomes filled with meaning, filled with risks and rewards, with majesty and danger. Life for the lover is a gift, an adventure with the highest possible stakes; every moment is memorable, heartbreaking in its fleeting beauty. When he falls in love, a man who once felt disoriented, alienated, and confused will know exactly what he wants. Suddenly his existence will make sense to him; suddenly it becomes valuable, even glorious and noble, to him. Burning passion is an antidote that will cure the worst cases of despair and resigned obedience. Love makes it possible for individuals to connect to others in a meaningful way—it impels them to leave their shells and risk being honest and spontaneous together, to come to know each other in profound ways. Thus love makes it possible for them to care about each other genuinely, rather than at the end of the gun of Christian doctrine. But at the same time, it plucks the lover out of the routines of everyday life and separates her from other human beings. She will feel a million miles away from the herd of humanity, living as she is in a world entirely different from theirs. In this sense love is subversive, because it poses a threat to the established order of our modern lives. The boring rituals of workday productivity and socialized etiquette will no longer mean anything to a man who has fallen in love, for there are more important forces guiding him than mere inertia and deference to tradition. Marketing strategies that depend upon apathy or insecurity to sell the products that keep the economy running as it does will have no effect upon him. Entertainment designed for passive consumption, which depends upon exhaustion or cynicism in the viewer, will not interest him. There is no place for the passionate, romantic lover in today's world, business or private. For he can see that it might be more worthwhile to hitchhike to Alaska (or to sit in the park and watch the clouds sail by) with his sweetheart than to study for his calculus exam or sell real estate, and if he decides that it is, he will have the courage to do it rather than be tormented by unsatisfied longing. He knows that breaking into a cemetery and making love under the stars will make for a much more memorable night than watching television ever could. So love poses a threat to our consumer-driven economy, which depends upon consumption of (largely useless) products and the labor that this consumption necessitates to perpetuate itself. Similarly, love poses a threat to our political system, for it is difficult to convince a man who has a lot to live for in his personal relationships to be willing to fight and die for an abstraction such as the state; for that matter, it may be difficult to convince him to even pay taxes. It poses a threat to cultures of all kinds, for when human beings are given wisdom and valor by true love they will not be held back by traditions or customs which are irrelevant to the feelings that guide them. Love even poses a threat to our society itself. Passionate love is ignored and feared by the bourgeoisie, for it poses a great danger to the stability and pretense they covet. Love permits no lies, no falsehoods, not even any polite half-truths, but lays all emotions bare and reveals secrets which domesticated men and women cannot bear. You cannot lie with your emotional and sexual response; situations or ideas will excite or repel you whether you like it or not, whether it is polite or not, whether it is advisable or not. One cannot be a lover and a (dreadfully) responsible, (dreadfully) respectable member of today's society at the same time; for love will impel you to do things which are not "responsible" or "respectable." True love is irresponsible, irrepressible, rebellious, scornful of cowardice, dangerous to the lover and everyone around her, for it serves one master alone: the passion that makes the human heart beat faster. It disdains anything else, be it self-preservation, obedience, or shame. Love urges men and women to heroism, and to antiheroism—to indefensible acts that need no defense for the one who loves. For the lover speaks a different moral and emotional language than the typical bourgeois man does. The average bourgeois man has no overwhelming, smoldering desires. Sadly, all he knows is the silent despair that comes of spending his life pursuing goals set for him by his family, his educators, his employers, his nation, and his culture, without ever being able to even consider what needs and wants he might have of his own. Without the burning fire of desire to guide him, he has no criteria upon which to choose what is right and wrong for himself. Consequently he is forced to adopt some dogma or doctrine to direct him through his life. There are a wide variety of moralities to choose from in the marketplace of ideas, but which morality a man buys into is immaterial so long as he chooses one because he is at a loss otherwise as to what he should do with himself and his life. How many men and women, having never realized that they had the option to choose their own destinies, wander through life in a dull haze thinking and acting in accordance with the laws that have been taught to them, merely because they no longer have any other idea of what to do? But the lover needs no prefabricated principles to direct her; her desires identify what is right and wrong for her, for her heart guides her through life. She sees beauty and meaning in the world, because her desires paint the world in these colors. She has no need for dogmas, for moral systems, for commandments and imperatives, for she knows what to do without instructions. Thus she does indeed pose quite a threat to our society. What if everyone decided right and wrong for themselves, without any regard for conventional morality? What if everyone did whatever they wanted to, with the courage to face any consequences? What if everyone feared loveless, lifeless monotony more than they fear taking risks, more than they fear being hungry or cold or in danger? What if everyone set down their "responsibilities" and "common sense," and dared to pursue their wildest dreams, to set the stakes high and live each day as if it were the last? Think what a place the world would be! Certainly it would be different than it is now—and it is quite a truism that people from the "mainstream," the simultaneous keepers and victims of the status quo, fear change. And so, despite the stereotyped images used in the media to sell toothpaste and honeymoon suites, genuine passionate love is discouraged in our culture. Being "carried away by your emotions" is frowned upon; instead we are raised to always be on our guard lest our hearts lead us astray. Rather than being encouraged to have the courage to face the consequences of risks taken in pursuit of our hearts' desires, we are counseled not to take risks at all, to be "responsible." And love itself is regulated. Men must not fall in love with other men, nor women with other women, nor individuals from different ethnic backgrounds with each other, or else the usual bigots who form the front-line offensive in the assault of modern Western culture upon the individual will step in. Men and women who have already entered into a legal/religious contract with each other are not to fall in love with anyone else, even if they no longer feel any passion for their marital partner. Love as most of us know it today is a carefully prescribed and preordained ritual, something that happens on Friday nights in expensive movie theaters and restaurants, something that fills the pockets of the shareholders in the entertainment industries without preventing workers from showing up to the office on time and ready to reroute phone calls all day long. This regulated, commercial "love" is nothing like the passionate, burning love that consumes the genuine lover. These restrictions, expectations, and regulations smother true love; for love is a wild flower that can never grow within the confines prepared for it but only appears where it is least expected. We must fight against these cultural restraints that would cripple and smother our desires. For it is love that gives meaning to life, desire that makes it possible for us to make sense of our existence and find purpose in our lives. Without these, there is no way for us to determine how to live our lives, except to submit to some authority, to some god, master or doctrine that will tell us what to do and how to do it without ever giving us the satisfaction that self-determination does. So fall in love today, with men, with women, with music, with ambition, with yourself. . . with life! One might say that it is ridiculous to implore others to fall in love—one either falls in love or one does not, it is not a choice that can be made consciously. Emotions do not follow the instructions of the rational mind. But the environment in which we must live out our lives has a great influence on our emotions, and we can make rational decisions that will affect this environment. It should be possible to work to change an environment that is hostile to love into an environment that will encourage it. Our task must be to engineer our world so that it is a world in which people can and do fall in love, and thus to reconstitute human beings so that we will be ready for the "revolution" spoken of in these pages—so that we will be able to find meaning and happiness in our lives. What if everyone decided right and wrong for themselves, without any regard for conventional morality? What if everyone did whatever they wanted to, with the courage to face any consequences? What if everyone feared loveless, lifeless monotony more than they fear taking risks, more than they fear being hungry or cold or in danger? What if everyone set down their "responsibilities" and "common sense," and dared to pursue their wildest dreams, to set the stakes high and live each day as if it were the last? Think what a place the world would be! __888888888888_______________________ _888888888888888_____________________ _8888888888888888____________________ _88888888888888888_________88888_____ _888888888888888888_____88888888888__ _888888888888888888___88888888888888_ __888888888888888888_888888888888888_ ___888888888888888888888888888888888_ _____8888888888 BELIEVE IN LOVE 88888888_ ______88888888888888888888888888888__ _______888888888888888888888888888___ _________888888888888888888888888____ __________888888888888888888888______ ___________8888888888888888888_______ ____________8888888888888888_________ _____________88888888888888__________ ______________88888888888____________ _______________88888888______________ ________________888888_______________ ________________88888________________ _________________888_________________ _________________88__________________ _________________8___________________
  12. My ex invited me to lunch and I thought I could do it. But then I got so mad. He dumped me 3 months ago. He wants everything to be fine and us to be friends but I'm not ready. He hurt me. He lied and was very passive-aggressive during our relationship. I care about him. I would like to have some peace about it. I would like to be able to see him sometimes and enjoy his company. But I don't see how I could knowing how he treated me. He wasn't malicous just immature . He expressed his anger indirectly. We can't even talk now , which is sad. He's dating several new people and seems to need to tell me about it . I don't ask. It's like he has to prove he can get other girls. He dumped me. I never thought he couldn't dateother people. Why would be need to put it in front of my face? I want to move on comepletely. I just feel sad that someone I LOVED SO MUCH is not wanting to be close to me. He's fine with lunch every once in a while. I would want more or maybe none at all is best. Mostly I am sad that we could have had a great relationship with a little more honesty, time and effort. And he was unwilling to make the effort. I am disappointed in him. How do I make peace wit it all?
  13. Why do you believe in destiny? I very much believe my thoughts, feelings have an affect on my life.
  14. Ok you were totally in love, you committed to being in this forever. The magic left but you stayed in it becuase you made a committment. Then what? Why did you finally decide to end it? What turned your decidion from forever to the end? If it wasn't abuse, why break the commttment ever?
  15. the only closure I have found was like 4 years later when I heard my ex got married and I was so glad it wasn't me marrying him. I knew I was over it then. It's only been a month for you. Get your stuff back but it will be a long time until it's over emotioanlly. Years probably. It's a long road that you are on today.
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