laboheme

That could be a potentially sticky situation, if he reads into things too much. I agree with Hope75 about waiting. Wait until you are fully prepared to deal with things should he take you up on your offer and come to you with his problems the second he reads your email. Since the breakup is still fresh, you are clearly not ready for that, so in a way, your email would not be as honest as you'd intend it to be. If you distance yourself for a while (and I don't think 2-3 weeks is enough), you'll be better able to articulate what you are and what you are not willing to do as far as helping him.

You say that you no longer to talk to that "ex"-good friend of yours? Meaning that you're no longer friends? If that's indeed the case, I think you have every right to do what you want with this girl. However, make sure that she's not bitter about you not talking to her while you were trying to figure things out with your friend. It doesn't sound like she is, but if you were to start hanging out on a regular basis, that issue could come up...

I know the feeling...whenever one of my coworkers mentions her fiancee, I feel like gagging -- even though I love her dearly! But hey, focus on the positives. If you are happy in your relationship, that should be all that matters. Just because so-and-so got engaged/married doesn't mean they are happy together...

Good: - graduated high school with a kick-butt GPA and got into a great school - made the great decision to transfer schools after the "great" one turned out to be a joke - had an amazing relationship with an amazing person - found a part-time job that I know will help me in the future and that introduced me to great people - found the willpower to get in shape - became a lot more independent (in terms of money especially) Bad - drifted apart from a lot of people and didn't replace them - messed up my relationship with the amazing guy - became a little materialistic

It's hard to put a number on that, since everybody is different. Some people are very independent by nature, so it may take only a couple of weeks of spending every free moment together to grow sick of it. Some are "clingier," so it may take a few months. What "kills" the relationship, in my opinion, is the fact that there is nothing left to fuel it anymore. Relationships cannot feed off of themselves, they need some outside nourishment -- work, other friends, hobbies, etc. The easiest (and probably most simplistic) way to look at it is, if you spend all your time together, you don't do anything else, so eventually you don't have anything to talk about. You also start getting annoyed with the other person because you're always around him/her, yet you don't have that deep loving bond yet that allows you to gracefully resolve conflicts when they arise, so you start fighting and drifting apart. And you're right, if one person wants space and the other doesn't, that can be a problem...

I think right now what he needs more than anything is reassurance that you truly love him. It may be that he's afraid of you losing interest in the relationship because he can't find work and can't provide for you when you move out there...so he's withdrawing because he feels inadequate and also because he doesn't want to constantly burden you with his problems. Unfortunately, if that's the case, basically the only way to solve the problem is for him to find a job...Has he considered moving elsewhere where his skills are less common?

I was making small talk with a customer at work today, and she told me that my ex-boyfriend's grandmother died a week ago. I checked the obituaries later, and it was indeed true. Now, we've been broken up since the end of July, and haven't had any contact for the last few weeks. I know it's an incredibly hard time for his family, especially since his other grandmother died at the beginning of the year. I'm thinking of sending the whole family a sympathy card...Should I? Should I just address it to his mom (it was her mother who died) or to the whole family? Also, by the time the mail goes out, it will have been 9 days since her death...is that too late to send a sympathy card? And would it be odd to send one, because I didn't send them a holiday card? Or should I just send him a quick email saying that I'm sorry to find out about her death and leave it at that? Or do I just ignore it altogether?

Of course he'll appreciate your gift! Maybe he didn't like the one that he got from his family...or maybe he did, but since yours is a different brand, why can't he alternate using both? And remember that there are some things that only you can give him, so make sure to give him the gift while flashing him that smile that he surely loves, and give him a hug and a kiss -- best gift ever!

It's very normal to be especially emotional about past relationships during the holidays, since they are a time for family and friends to come together and be happy...and obviously memories come up. Also, if you had a long-term relationship with him, a year removed is not that long, so it's not abnormal to still feel hurt at times. It's very understandable that it hurts to see him with someone new, even if you're over him. It's possible that what hurts the most is the fact that he is happy with someone new and you haven't found that someone yet; not the fact that he chose over you. I think your attitude is healthy though. You acknowledge your feelings, but you are still moving on, and you have hope for the future. Keep it up, and it will get better one day!

Well, it is possible that the person you're talking to could become a little wary and think that there's something wrong with you that makes you un-dateable. But if they're smart, they'll see you for you, not for your past. The lack of relationship experience could work to your advantage, however. Just look around this forum for threads complaining about significant other's exes and how people are having a hard time getting over their partners' past. This way you know you won't have that problem!!!

I feel like if you have sex after a few months, the transition is natural, so it doesn't change the relationship much. It's likely that in that situation, you've been taking things step by step and slowly moving towards actual intercourse rather than just jumping from holding hands to sex...so the transition in the emotional aspects of the relationship is also gradual instead of a big jump from being cold/shy to affectionate/open.

That is SUCH a good way of looking at things. You need to know yourself and be comfortable with yourself before introducing other people into the equation. That applies equally to relationships and sex (since those two don't always coincide). You seem to have a firm grip on what's important to you and what you are and aren't willing to do. Make sure that you keep that grip!

So here's the deal: I've got a late dinner date set for tomorrow with a guy that I met online. We've talked online several times, once over the phone, and exchanged pictures. I don't know what I think about him -- obviously I can't know for sure until I meet him in person. Part of me is excited to be going on a date with somebody for the first time after The Breakup this summer...but I'm also having second thoughts. First of all, there's a 5 year age difference (I'm 20, he's 25)...and I'm concerned that he's going to be after only one thing (we all know what that is). And he lives in a different town...so it makes me wonder why he needs to come to my town to meet a girl. To me, that either screams desperate or sketchy. Plus, I talked to a coworker about it today and told him everything I knew about this guy...and he seemed a little disappointed in my choice of a date. At the same time, I've got a guy friend that I'm slightly confused about. He knows the whole situation with the date and knows that I'm freaking out a little bit. We talked today and he told me not to worry, but also told me that he thinks it's a bad idea and encouraged me to cancel it...and then said that he can call me during the date to check up on me, and that if anything goes wrong, I can call him and he'll drop whatever he's doing and help me out. And when we were watching a movie with a group of friends today, there was more physical contact than usual between us...Obviously, I can't jump to the conclusion that he likes me, but I've been feeling more drawn to him lately for some reason...Back in high school, there was a time where I liked him, then he liked me, then both of us went on to have serious relationships with other people, and now both of us are single...And I guess I like him a little bit, but I don't know if I could come to terms with some of the things he does (smoking, for example), so I probably should try to keep any potential feelings in check because it wouldn't lead to a healthy relationship...Or maybe I'm confusing good friendship with something else...I just don't know. So my question is...tomorrow morning, should I call the guy I'm supposed to be meeting and tell him that I decided against the dinner date? Or should I just go through with it and see how it goes? And what should I do about my guy friend? Spend more time with him, or create more distance (keeping in mind that there are no obvious feelings on either side, just a hunch)?

Ooh, I don't like the sound of the whole marriage thing. What's more important -- committing to being with the woman he loves, or avoiding filing divorce papers if things don't work out? And of course he still wants to live together -- who wouldn't want new camping gear and a motorcycle? I don't think you're being unreasonable asking him not to drink so much. It's not like you're asking him to be completely dry all of a sudden, right? You've seen his drinking lead to arguments, and you should not have to tolerate him screaming at you. You said you already told him that you just need to be friends, right? It doesn't sound like he took you very seriously, I'm afraid...

I managed to get a second job during the holidays, because a lot of places are desperate for help...But it may be hard to do that now because Christmas is almost here, and it seems that they want more experienced staff to work after the holidays because they will handle the massive returns better...so that may not be a good option for you. Have you looked into any classes that are being offered in your area? Not academic ones, of course (judging by one of your more recent posts, more school is the last thing you need right now! Those dratted finals...), but fun ones. Dance, yoga, candy making, anything of the kind. They can be fairly inexpensive, but still fun, and you may discover a new hobby that you'll pursue outside of class and that will help you pass the time. Volunteering may also be a good option. A lot of people are lonely around this time of year, so if you visit a nursing home and spend some time with the elderly, it will both make them happy and give you a sense of accomplishment. Or anything else along those lines... And what you just said about reading books for yourself? Honey, don't feel bad! Take advantage of that opportunity -- who knows when you'll get another chance to read for yourself? Surround yourself with books, or even movies that you've been meaning to see... Finally, my own plan for the holidays: THE GYM. This semester hasn't been great for me, so I have every intention of getting my badonkadonk back in shape. Not to suggest that you need to or anything (or maybe you already do on a regular basis!), but winter break can be a good time to start an exercise routine that you may feel inclined to follow into the spring semester and beyond. Gosh, I hope that happens to me...

About the only thing you can do in this situation is give her what she wants -- that is, the space she needs. It's very sweet of you to worry about her condition at the time, but she needs to get her life straight first before being able to fully commit to a relationship. In the meantime, you can do the same, so that you're in a good place for any relationships in your future. Unfortunately, calling her and telling her that she can come to you whenever she needs help, etc. won't make things any better. It will hinder your healing process and push her even farther away. That said...I, unfortunately, highly doubt that she is going to come back, so don't count on it and go on with your life as you otherwise would. I may be getting the wrong impression, but it sounds like she appreciated you mostly for the things that you did around the house (and she said that she wants to keep you around the house in a romantic way? Of course, it's convenient to have a handy engineer readily available). What you said about being too nice to her could very well be true. Maybe she realized that her reasons for being with you aren't entirely right. Also, being away from you for a month may have made her realize that she's really not missing you as much as one ought to miss a significant other (not to say that it always happens, but it's possible that she saw it as a trial separation and didn't have much of a problem with it. At any rate, the best thing to do is to take a step back. Many steps back, in fact. Try to steer clear of her best friend as well, since talking to her about the situation will make you look manipulative/stalkerish, not to mention that you'll never be able to remove yourself from the relationship. I know this is very hard on you -- breakups are never easy -- but do try to take good care of yourself before you try to take care of anything else, including her. Browse around this forum for ideas on how to keep yourself occupied during this difficult time -- or SuperDave even posted recently on how to get yourself out of bed in the morning when all you want to do is hide from the world. Hang in there, and we're always here to listen if you need it!

The one problem with trying to gauge whether or not things are moving too quickly is that by the time you realize that they are, it's too late to fix them. You have that fight...you decide that it's because you don't have enough time to yourself...you ask for a little more space...they see it as breaking up...Bad all around. How do you feel when you're apart? Do you feel like you can enjoy things on your own without him being there? Or do you need his company in order to feel happy? Have you felt like there are awkward moments when neither of you really know what to do because you've exhausted all possible activities/conversation topics? If yes, that's a sign that you need to take a step back and do more things on your own. If not -- if you have a life of your own and you feel comfortable with where you're at, carry on. But watch for some of those things before you get to that point that all of us dread...

My first kiss happened with my now-ex the night before I had to leave for college. We spent a long time talking in the car, and I had a now-or-never mentality...I intended it to be a short peck on the lips, but it turned into a 10-minute long kiss. We had almost 2 years to practice our kissing since then, and in retrospect, it wasn't the best kiss I've had with him...it was quite awkward, even, because at the time we weren't close...But it was definitely special, and I was on cloud nine...

What kind of relationship did you have with his sister? Did the two of you spend time together without him? I.e. could the two of you be considered "friends"? If so, I think it's okay to send her a card in return. If she sends you a Christmas card when she's aware of the situation between you and your ex, I'm sure that she is understanding enough to tell him that she sent you one first if he makes a fuss over the one that you send in return. Just make sure that you don't make it a sappy card ("Please take care of your brother now that I can't do that anymore" won't fly). I guess it all boils down to whether or not you want to send her the card. Do you feel she deserves one? If so, go for it.

I admit that it does sound a little strange -- especially the fact that you don't even know anything about his friends. How long have you guys been together? Are you happy with the relationship for the most part? Do you feel comfortable in this relationship overall, aside from these issues? Even if you do right now, keep in mind that things might easily escalate from him using his mom as an excuse to the point where the relationship is no longer worth hanging on to.

I'd say give it a little while...see what he does, but do not under any circumstances encourage his behavior. If anything, create some physical distance between the two of you. Walk just a little farther away, don't initiate hugs...Maybe he'll get the clue. If his actions continue, or if he starts talking about things, that dreadful conversation may be inevitable -- especially if he starts doing things that make you uncomfortable. Yes, you do run the risk of ruining the relationship, but in time he'll get over it and find a new romantic interest -- and maybe your friendship will get back on track. I've been in a similar situation, where a guy friend was interested in me, but I didn't reciprocate his feelings...yes, things were awkward for a little while, but since then both of us have been in relationships, and can hang out normally like we used to. Basically, if your friendship is strong enough, it will come back in time. And if it doesn't, well, it wasn't strong enough to begin with. Good luck! PS. You've probably heard this before, but the whole Xanax thing is not a good idea...

She is holding on because it's easier for her to hold on that it is for the guy. She had time to reevaluate the relationship and realize that she only sees him as a friend. She is not necessarily lying when she says that she loves him and that he is very special -- it's just a different kind of love and a different kind of special. Or she could be trying to soften the blow of the breakup and is using friendship to ease out of the romantic relationship. Regardless of which one it is, she should respect her ex-boyfriend's wishes. If he does not want her friendship now (or ever), she should not be trying to push herself onto him. The best thing to do, in my opinion, is for the guy to be completely honest and tell her that he wants distance...a lot of it. Because honestly, a friendship under those conditions will not work out, not until his anger has subsided and not until the breakup is entirely behind them.

I think the best way to go about this is to tell her honestly that you feel like the two of you are drifting apart and you want to work on that. Do you guys keep in touch on a regular basis? Phone calls? Cute emails? Maybe you could compile a list of things that long-distance couples do and give them a try together (look at some threads on this forum for ideas!) However, be careful to not sound like you're accusing her of not pulling her weight in the relationship -- it won't inspire her to do any better.

I regret the many risks that I never took...and I regret the one major risk that I did take. Funny how that works, huh? And I kind of flip-flop between regretting that I have to start my life all over again and being grateful that I can have this clean plate (which is not really clean, but I can pretend that it is).

1- Will my ex forget about me? If the relationship really meant something to him, no, he won't. But if it's something that was meant to be forgotten, he'll end up forgetting things even if you try to stay in his life. 2- will going NC make him think I don't care about him? Maybe...but chances are, if he's smart, he'll realize that you're doing NC because you DO care about him and it's the only way you can come to grips with reality and start healing. 3- will NC make HIM move on faster? Hard to answer. Maybe it will because he won't have to worry about hurting your feelings when you talk to him and he brings up a new girl...But maybe it won't because he'll be wondering about what you're doing. I'd say that it wouldn't really affect the rate. 4- should i respond to ANY of his attempts to be my friend? Only if you are fully over the breakup and don't harbor romantic feelings. If you find yourself responding to his attempts in hopes that you guys will reconcile, don't do it. Plenty of time is what you need here. 6- what do the DUMPERS think about nc? I wouldn't know, since I was the dumpee...But my ex told me that he truly believes it would be best for me to try and forget him for a while...so some dumpers do think NC is a good idea. And remember, like Ellie said, NC is for you -- it's not supposed to be a manipulation tactic. Best of luck with everything!