lakegoddess

It's been awhile since I've checked in. I just wanted to let everyone know that this forum gave me the strength to finally leave. It's been a couple months now since I left him and my life has totally changed. My mind isn't full of worry anymore. I don't have to ponder my every action wondering what he'll think or do. I have found a place to live and will be moving out on my own for the first time alone. I know that this is the best thing for me and something I should have done a long time ago. I'm also planning to go to Australia for a year and work. Funny, I am more excited about my life than I ever was with him. For once I don't know what the future holds and that feels like the best gift I could ever give myself. I realise that his words are still in my head and that it will take awhile for me to see the real me. But it's a journey now....not a dead end. Thank-you so much everyone that responded....I read your messages over and over again for support. Peace, Love and Happiness.

I guess cause it's Christmas Eve and all...well...it is so strange to be alone. I talked to his mom today (he's living with his parents for awhile like me) to see if my dad could drop off some presents (just for "the family") in exchange for some things I need from him (lisense plates, house key, parking pass) and she basically told me that she didn't want my dad coming over and no she didn't know where he was or if she'd tell him I called... It just threw me for a loop to hear his mom being so mean on the phone (we were quite close). I know it's her son and she will stand behind him...but it still really hurt and was probably the first time I've really cried. I sometimes forget that I'm losing his family as well... It actually bummed me out so much that I started to really doubt myself. I keep trying to remember everything that's happened and all the support I've gotten both here and from friends and family. I guess the holidays will just be a little hard this year. Perhaps next year they will be better than they ever have. I just felt like I lost a little confidence in myself today and it really scared me. I'm just sick of making a mess of my life and I'm starting to get mad at myself for not leaving earlier. But then I congratulate myself at the same time for leaving at all. Wow, I'm so messed up right now. Happy Holidays to everyone.

Strange how I'm feeling and seeing since I left him. Everything looks and feels different. It's like I had no idea the weight of having him on my mind 24/7. Worried about how he'd react to everything I did or said. Everyday seems to be getting better and this time I am making sure to get out and see friends and realise that I am an interesting person that deserves respect and friendship. I am so far from being totally okay and I realise this.... I know I should probably go to couselling... I guess I'm still in awe of what I've done. I know that I need to speak to someone and really resolve and deal with everything that's happened. I am getting an apartment on my own soon (maybe a month from now)....because living with the parents is great now...but I know I need to experience stuff on my own, for once, when I've healed a little...

So I finally have everything moved out of the apartment...and last night I left a note and the ring at the apartment... for some reason I feel that that was the last step. We've talked on the phone to get everything sorted out and he says that he is so sorry and that it is all his fault and that he needs to get better and that who knows what will happen in the future....for me, it's over and I said as much to him. Talking to friends and family about everything that's happened has been helping me realise that this relationship was horrible. I feel like all the horribleness I've felt is right and that I should learn to trust my gut. I'm feeling positive for once about what the future holds. I'm excited to not know what will happen and to get to know myself better through new experiences. Life is too short not to be happy. I used to think that happiness is a state of mind...now I know it's more than that...that the situation I'm in has to be healthy in order for me to be all that I can be.

Hello. Well a weekend has gone by and I have definitley left him. This weekend has been interesting to say the least. He has tried different tactics to get me back including letting me know that he bought a computer for me for christmas, or when I went with my brother to pick up some of my stuff...he had decorated the house and put up photos of the two of us on the fridge. There are some financial issues that I need to take care of....like a car loan we share...but I'm fairly confident that I can get that transferred over to him without too much trouble. I just want to be free and clear as soon as possible so that I can think straight. My family has been very supportive. Many people had no idea what was going on between us. The more I talk about it the more I realise that I was struggling through something utterly horrible that most people don't have to live with. I realised how alone I really was. I actually feel less alone now. I'm just starting to realise that I left him. It seems that I'm in some kind of fog right now.... I just hope that when the mist clears that I won't fall apart.

I left him last night. Am at my parents. told them everything. They are saying to leave him. He is begging me to come back....saying he will go to counselling...but he wants me to come to. I kept thinking about what everyone here has told me and this is keeping me strong. I'm scared of caving and going back.... I am sick to my stomach...I'm shaking....I know I'm doing the right thing....I just have to stay strong.

wow....I'm overcome here. I see that my "inner" voice is the one that I should listen to. I feel wrong in this relationship. I feel like my life has amounted to nothing and with him I feel that it never will. I'm scared of not being strong enough to leave. Yes I know I have to. I feel like a failure. It's constant fighting now....and I'm starting to lose it. I don't think I've ever felt so low. God this is hard. My whole life is him. I know I can crash at my parents for as long as I want. I really don't care if I lose all my stuff. I just want to be someone else....

First time on this forum....first time on any relationship forum...at my wits end. I am 28 and engaged. Got engaged last year and haven't set a date yet. Have been with him for 7 years. Left him 3 years ago for 2 months because I thought he was abusive to me. I went and got some couselling and he went a few times too. We got back together and he said that he was sorry and had changed. Then he started to say that he isn't abusive and that I cause him to be this angry because I'm fat and say I'm going to lose weight and then I don't. Abuse used to be just name calling and putting me down and throwing stuff....but then it started to escalate a little....threatening me with a knife, throwing stuff at me, pretending to choke me....and lately it's been pushing me more, and he hit my arm in the car so hard he left a nasty bruise and really hurt. I keep promising to lose weight (I lost 60 pounds last year and was down to 160 and that's when he proposed)...but when I started to gain the weight back he put off planning the wedding. He just puts me down all the time, embarrassed to be seen with me....It's all too much. I left him once and came back... Writing this and reading it back I realise that I sound pathetic....my question I guess is I know that I have a weight problem....but I know that I can get that under control, as for him....I wonder if I'll ever feel okay towards him. When I'm skinnier he's nicer....but last year I was 160 and looking great...yet I just had so much resentment towards him. I'm scared of him a lot. I'm scared he won't change. Has anyone had someone like him completely change? Can I make it work with him? I'm scared I'm too old now to start looking for someone else... Any advice would help. Thanks.