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About Me

  1. I have a two year old domestic short hair cat. She is an indoor cat, but always anxious to get outside any time she sees the opportunity. She rushes past me when I open the door and if my arms are full I cannot immediately stop her. So, a few times a week she ends up being outside for a short while until I can lure her back in. I have several toys in the house to keep her occupied, but it does not seem to replace her interest in the great outdoors. I let her sit in window ledges to look outside and get a whiff of the good outdoor smells, but she sees squirrels and chipmunks and runs to the door scratching at it like she wants me to let her out. Sometimes she stands at the door meowing. I will clarify that she is spayed, so I know she is not in heat. My concern is that when she does get out, she frequently finds things to chase like bugs, chipmunks or leaves, but lately she has taken a huge interest in the next door neighbor's cat who is mostly an outdoor cat. She seems to instigate a game of chase with this unsuspecting cat each time. I thought they might become friends, but just this morning she got out and ran over the neighbor's yard where the cat was grooming herself and chased her around a tree and into a corner where the two cats ended up rolling around. I ran over and grabbed my cat and brought her back inside. I can no longer assume my cat will not harm another, so am making extra effort to keep her indoors. Do I encourage my cat's aggression by allowing her outside? Do I encourage her aggression by playing with toys she chases?
  2. Until last night I had been in a relationship for three years and it was one in which I was always walking on eggshells and disregard my own wants/needs in order to avoid him lashing out. His moodiness was legendary (his mother even asked how on earth I put up with them) and whenever the slightest thing didn't go his way he would show aggressive tendencies, such as kicking a chair or making out like he was going to punch me. He would call me deeply offensive names (f*cking c*nt etc) if I disagreed with him over the tiniest detail. He never actually assaulted me, but I was always fearful of his reactions. This is just scratching the surface of his unpredictable, unstable behaviour and last night, after another show of aggression, I finally decided I was worth more. He was amazed that I wasn't going to stay over at his flat after the way he spoke to me and just as amazed that I felt his behaviour warranted an apology, so I gave him his key back and left. Due to his aggressive and abusive tendencies I was too frightened to break things off in person, so I did it today, in writing. I could have gone into all the reasons why I was breaking things off and been really nasty about what he's done to me, but I kept it to the point and civil and wished him well at the end. I know that he would reply with a torrent of abuse and try to blame me for everything, so I blocked him from being able to reply through all communication methods. I tried and tried with this relationship and when he was in a good mood we got on well, but I could never relax, knowing that he could turn at any given moment. As time went on all the effort put in was mine and I was tired of his unpredictability and aggression when I got nothing back - no affection, no "I love you", no nothing. Despite all that, I feel pretty bad that I've completely cut him off. Have I done the right thing or should I unblock him and face whatever response he wants to throw at me?
  3. Me and my girlfriend have had a really rough last couple of years. We’ve been at each other’s throats figuratively and literally. We both communicated very different and I had some pretty bad anxiety that caused me to be an avoidant when she had questions. We both see physical touch differently. For me it comfort, for her it’s aggression. I would try to be calming, but I’m a big strong guy and my touch came off more aggressive than it was in my head. This would cause a trigger and things normally escalate. I’ve shoved and pinned her either to try and calm her or out of self defense. Thankfully our communication has improved, but the lingering effects of how it got physical for any reason are keeping her from wanting to move forward. She doesn’t know how we can go back to how we were before this happened, and without that she won’t. I’m hoping to get some advice on what we can talk about the past to make it not seem like this is just who were were and that we can recapture that love prior to the extreme fighting. Thank you for any help.
  4. I'm going to try to make this as short as possible. (being brief) meet this girl age 25, I'm 23, we meet at the place she worked..."A nightclub" I got her number, and talking to her at times, seems to be a problem, I just tried to call her but shes eating supper. Opps, same thing last night. (different time thow) She does however talk when i get her on the phone, which has only been about a dozen times, her dad just answered saying "she will call you back" there have been several times where she has said that same line about calling me back, But she never has...So my question is do i keep chasing, keep calling, act interested, instead of just trying to get to know her a little more first. Do i dare show some aggressiveness this early? would a women like that? p.s. she does have a 5 yr. old girl...so i can understand she has priority.
  5. Hoping for some advice on how to deal with a guy who has suddenly taken a great interest in me. Like, within the past three days, he's contacted me three times, and when we've been hanging out in a group, he grills me on myself. So here's the thing: I really only like to date guys who I'm friends with first - you know, feel comfortable with already. This whole "sudden interest" thing is way too much pressure for me. I figure if I haven't even talked with a guy enough to know much about him, then he certainly doesn't know enough about me to be so forward. OK. I *know* it's a big responsibility on men to ask women out, so I'm not putting him down really. It's just that I need to figure out how to say this to men who are clearly interested: I want to get to know you slowly, and if we get to be friends, that's a start. It's not a put down, it's a "Woah! One step at a time." Can anyone suggest ways to bring this up? Guys, if a woman were trying to give you the signal that she wanted to keep things casual for now, how should she do this? I'm thinking of keeping our conversations short, but that hasn't always worked in the past. Help please! EDIT: Because of volunteer work, I do see him regularly. So we would get to know each other even if we didn't make special arrangements to hang out.
  6. I found an excellent link for those of you looking for psychological information link removed It has a lot of useful advice. Sometimes it helps you get over the anger or aggression by reading this type of material... 8)
  7. Well after tonight i decided that i'm going to start approaching guys. I used to have the menality that if a guy liked me he'll approach me. However I'm not getting any results so i'm going to go after what i want. (i hope i'll have the guts to at least) Guys simply stare at me or make eye contact they don't approach me, so i want to know whats a good way to break the ice? Also once we get to talking, what do we talk about. I meen i know the obvious, "So... what you doing here? whats your name? what grade you in? what you in to?" but i meen thats like what 3 mins of convosation? Also, i want to make sure that i don't come off aggressive or desperate, will approaching a guy make me seem this way? Thanx for any help in advance
  8. a few questions...can you tell before hand if there is a rip in a condom? you know how you're supposed to pinch the tip of the condom to let out excess air (or some reason like that), well is it possible to rip it that way, assuming you're not being aggressive with it? after you're done having sex, if the tip doesn't fill up, is that a bad thing? because usually it fills up but the other night it didn't, not completely anyways, but it seemed like there was still "stuff" all throughout the condom...i'm not too worried about it, maybe someone thinks i should be? it didn't appear to be ripped, of course i didn't do a real thorough investigation. i think i'm just worrying too much without need..oh, and what are the odds of a condom being ripped? thanks, i know that's alot of quesitons and it's just in one big jumbled mess, sorry for the un-neatness
  9. There is a girl that lives accross the street from me. We used to hang out as little kids but stopped doing so as we got older. Id like to start to get to know her again, but i dont want to creep her out by being to aggressive(dont want to seem like i am too intereseted). I have her s/n and i have talked to her occasionally and i could easily ask her to do something since shes right accross the street. Any suggestions for how to go about this?
  10. Hi everyone, this is my first posting on enotalone.com so i'm going to try and describe my situation: I've been talking to this girl online for two months now. We enjoy chatting with each other (she has said to me a few times) and have a lot of similar interests. We have never seen each other in person but that doesn't mean we don't want to, it's just that we've both been busy with school. There have been a few times where she has shown interest in me (i'm the only one where she has told me some personal stories) but then at other times where it seemed like she is upset at me (gets upset or doesn't feel like chatting with me). I remember once when she felt really sad, she would only chat with me and after when we were done chatting, she said "thanks for helping me through my pains right now and i really appreciate it that u have stayed and listened to me all the time, i love chatting with you". When she gets upset at me, i don't know if this is b/c i have been slow noticing the signs. She used to text msg. me a lot but has slowed down significantly lately so this is one of the reasons that brings me to if she is getting unpatient with me. I have upsetted her once in a while but these were very minor where i brought up stupid questions/topics and then she just continues chatting. So now i'm finally going to ask her if she would like to meet up. Now, my quiestion is: I'm wondering how I should go about asking her out? I'm a very shy person but at the same time, I don't want to sound to aggressive b/c i would like to get to know her better and really see how it goes before taking it to another step.
  11. I have been thinking, one recurring problem in my last relationship was self confidence. My ex would always tell me I didn't talk enough in big groups of people, and she was always having to carry the conversation. When it was just me and her, we had great conversation. This was always coming up. No matter how hard I tried to be more talkative, it wasn't good enough for her. She would notice that I was trying, at least. At one point she said she was tired of her friends asking her why I'm not very talkative. They began to think that I was stuck-up, and she was tired of defending me around them. So as a result of that, I have a complex now when in groups of 2 or more people of being self-conscious of how I'm acting. I'm just a laid-back guy, I like to listen and observe what other people have to say, and occasionally chime in. I make sure to smile and laugh. I guess you could say I'm an introvert. She was an extrovert, outgoing, a social butterfly always wanting to be the center of attention and life of the party, so I (we) thought we would complement eachother. As it turned out, I would become jealous of her not paying attention to me when we went out, she would be talking to other people, like I wasn't there. Another issue that kept arising was agressivness. She was the type who liked to be kissed agressivly in public (most of the time she had to be drunk), or spontaneously pulled into bed for sex during the middle of the day, basically treated like a "girl"...I treated her respectfully, maybe not aggressive enough like she was used to. Her ex would grab her arm when they fought, etc...I never layed a hand on her. I am just a passive nice guy, of course I would try to be aggressive at times, and towards the end of the relationship she would act like she wasn't really into it. When we broke up she said I didn't have a backbone. That's such a broad statement. What did she mean? Did she mean because I didn't treat her like a sex object and didn't initiate sexual/aggressive stuff with her often, making her feel like less of a "girl"? Unlike her, I think sex is something special that should be between 2 people who love eachother, it's not something to be abused in a non-committed relationship, which we were in. So was I in the wrong, or is she just one of those girls who looking for a nice guy like me who at the same time is going to treat her like a cavewoman in private? What is her deal? Was it because I didn't talk enough? I just can't figure out what she meant by the backbone comment. I don't want to ask her! Is there something wrong with me, she made me think so. She was my first everything(gf, sex, etc...), she had been in 2 or 3 relationships before me, one of them very sexual based, and NUMEROUS one-night stands, one week flings, etc... Could that have played a part in her attitude and expectations from me? Please help me figure this out, its making me wonder if I am capable of a relationship!
  12. What kinda games do you play during sex? My gf and I have done the normal, you know blindfold, tying up... aggressive... but tonight we did something that we have never tried before. We said no talking. We normally say "Oh right there" or something... but instead we let it be just all silent. We just did our typical moans... blah blah. But it was REALLY interesting without one word said. We both usually say when we are about to come and all, so that we a ready for it.... but this time it was interesting cuz we didn't know. So I am curious... anything interesting out there you guys done/heard of? ForAnother
  13. I am assertive. Sometimes when pushed I can be aggressive. I know what I want out of life and can make goals to get what I want. Is this not a good thing to be when searching for a potential mate? I just got dumped cause the guy I was "supposedly" in a relationship with met someone else and wanted to date her, or so he says. Anyhow I wonder, do guys not like it when women pursue them? Do they get scared or something? I thought this was supposed to be flattering, but Guys maybe there is something that these assertive aggressive women (like myself) arent understanding. Anyhow, I ended up giving more than I was getting. And I became a bit needy because I wasnt getting what I needed in the relationship. All I've ever known in my life is fighting to get what I want. Do you guys have any suggestions? How about you ladies, since you are most likely an assertive type (if you are reading this) how do you know when to give up so as not to get hurt? (assertive people hurt too!)
  14. my girlfriend and i have a beautiful realationship.but she recently made a commment that she likes when i'm doninant....how do i become more dominant. we're both VERY femme so i'd like to become more aggressive, how do i do that. she said she'd like me to treat her the way i treat guys....in bed i'm aggressive but outside of bed i'm not how do i become more dominant?
  15. I have a guy friend that I just met that I really like, and we just kick it, which is fine and fun... he calls, he flirts, I feel a vibe from him, but he hasn't made any moves romantically and he seems real nonchalant and almost aloof about everything. he hasn't been aggressive at all... so I'm just kinda confused. when a guy likes a girl, doesn't he just make his move and be obvious about it? what is up!?
  16. My fiancé and I were due to be married in a matter of days. Three weeks ago, after a fight, he decided that the wedding was off. We had been in similar altercations during our three-year relationship, but we always seemed to work it out. But three weeks before we are to say "I Do", he decides that he's had enough!!! Enough of what? We'll I tend to get a little aggressive during fights, and at times have attempted to hit him, but was never successful. He has never hit me back, but he'd storm out and go to his mother's house. I would apologize, say that I am sorry and try to explain to him why I did it. I explained to him that this behavior stemmed from a few things: 1. PMS 2. Being in an abusive relationship years back 3. Seeing my parents fight from time to time as a child We have discussed the aforementioned on sever occasions, even before he proposed and he seemed willing to work with me. I however, never attempted to get counseling to deal with my rage. We always seemed to sweep each incident under the rug. After this last fight, he stated that he does not want to begin a life with me until my aggressive behavior ends. He will not agree to postpone or even think about a new date. He says he needs time to "HEAL", and then we can work on the relationship. Now here I am, broken hearted, my parents are devastated (not to mention all of the money they spent on the wedding), and he is mad at me. Is he right to break it off now, after we have invested so much time in the relationship and wedding the planning. These fights were random, once a month or so…not always to the point of me becoming physically aggressive, but we did argue a lot. We were both under a lot of stress, but I figured these things would change after we became financially stable and were able to buy a home. Is this his way of telling me he was never happy? I am seeking professional help to deal with my issues. I really lost now.... I amlost feel like I'm going crazy Should I trust him if he allowed this to fester for three years and then break it off three weeks before the wedding? Oh, and his bachelor party was in Vegas...He went!!! What should I do?
  17. TL:DR - my brother is behaving passive aggressively after I withdrew when he told me he was cheating on his wife. I was going through a rough patch for a while and my stepbrother gave me some assistance and let me stay in his family home for a while. I was a mess, but I picked myself up, and moved out. He was practically caring but he's never really been emotionally available. Then he comes to stay with me one weekend and he's freaking out because he says his partner is going crazy on him and thinks he's having an affair. I talk with him all weekend and then they decide to get marriage counselling. then I hear that he has decided not to go, but she has continued with the therapy. then a month later he drunkenly lets slip that she isn't crazy at all, and he is actually having an affair! I'm shocked and don't know how to respond. He is allowing someone to have mental health care rather than admit he is lying to them. I am avoidant, and so I backed off and tried to separate a little, but it just made it worse. I didn't answer a few texts, said my phone was broken. Because it was just too overwhelming to deal with, and I was trying to get my life in order. Well..... that seems to have hit a nerve, because now the last six months he has got really passive aggressive, and now every time we speak he says, "get back to you in a couple of days" and then a few weeks later he texts me "every ok with you?" It's been going on for months. I haven't been direct, but I don't know what to say. He's much older than me, he's really helped me out. But then this thing he did seemed so dark that it really shook me, and now I'm stuck in this weird passive aggressive power and control game that makes no sense. I have no faith that he will be able to talk honestly and openly. I just want to set a clear boundary and get some distance so he will just stop texting me "are you ok" after terrorising me, but I have no idea what to say when the passive aggression is so sneaky and confusing.
  18. We are 31 and 30. After a very 1.5 difficult relationship: he is a loving person but also a very mean person. I don’t know where i had the strength to keep going. Basically I thought that if i keep going, if i am generous, loving and show him how nice life can be he will reciprocate and we will make it. I finally told him we should stop seeing each other because although we decided to live together from September while i was away he told me he doesn’t trust me and has doubts (at the beginning of our relationship he read my journal where i had wrote how much better another guy is than him - i was angry because he is sometimes quite a burden - anxious, problematic). He punished me in multiple ways for that episode and now he starts again, saying ty stuff to me and i asked him nicey to pick me up from the train station as i’ve been away and after saying yes he changed his mind. It’s just too much. I’ve put a lot of effort in understanding, loving him and yet not much is coming back. And he has been over time offensive to me, aggressive and mean. I feel bad. What kept me here all this time was that he is a very physically affectionate person, he is faithful and against cheating and he is funny and when in a good mood makes me very happy. I am struggling a lot and afraid i will relapse again. I don’t think he will change but I love him.
  19. Ever since the beginning my boyfriend has been telling me that I am being mean. He uses phrases like "taking a jab" at him, "Yelling", "twisting the knife", things like that when I have no amount of anger in me. Ill be totally happy and content. When he does this it really hurts my feelings, like breaks my heart. He acts like such a victim and when I try to stick up for myself or explain to him that I wasn't being mean it turns into a fight. I noticed a pattern of when this happens he 1st gets really defensive then i'll get the "your tongue is like a knife". He also tells me sometimes that I am yelling at him, and my voice and tone will be exactly the same as always. This will confuse me to the point where it stresses me out and I feel like I am going crazy. When he does this I am just blown away, like loss for words. I just cant believe it! I will literally be speechless and confused. Then he'll come back at me with "see?, you have nothing to say. Can't even defend yourself" like he's right. I think about this all day, questioning myself about it, confused and upset on why this is happening. He'll tell me I am being "passive aggressive", i'll say I am not being passive aggressive and ill get the whole "you're full of how is what you said NOT passive aggressive?" then we get into another argument. This happens in just normal every day conversations. Example, he is buying a car or truck soon ( he currently only has a motorcycle) and he asked me what kind he should get. I said "get whatever you want because I have my car and a truck" he'll keep asking me and i'll say "its your car, I wont be driving it so get what you want" and that will turn into him getting defensive and saying "JESUS CHRIST" and I get accused of being mean. I started googling "why does my BF always think im mean" and I came across the term gaslighting. I read the "7 stages of gaslighting" and almost every single thing was on the nose. I have been feeling for a while like him doing this is almost abusive. step 1 is "lie and exaggerate". He does exaggerate when he's telling me these things and he'll make up stuff that I said that was "mean". At one point during an argument about this I said "give me ONE, just one example of me being mean, any". He lied and made something up! It was so ridiculous what he said, something about me constantly talking about penises. I have tried having a calm conversation with him about this and explain how he does not understand how much this hurts me, makes me cry, he'll get defensive again and it turns into a fight. I told him last night "I am just not going to speak anymore", it's gotten that bad. I told him once that I wish he saw me for the good person I am instead of this like he makes me out to be, I said "i can be a sometimes" as a joke because everyone can, it's human nature. He responds with "well, which is it? you're a or a good person? you can't be both". I had to hang up on him. HELP! Has anyone experienced this before? I swear I am not being mean! I love him, I would never want to be mean.
  20. Should I keep an aggressive dog or not? I am seeking advice from pet owners on this matter. I only want advice and recommendations and please, no personal attacks or I will close this thread. I own a 9 year old mix breed (part terrier and part ?). I got her from the pound 8 years ago. They didn't have anything on her history. We welcomed her into our home and over time, noticed that she became very protective of me. She has anxiety and has become very aggressive. She has bitten my elderly father twice (requiring stitches) and has made numerous attempts at lunging at him when she feels he is getting to close to me. I can't bring people to the house for for fear of her attacking them. She has even attempted to bite me too. She is taking anxiety meds in attempts to calm her. Nothing has helped. We have changed her dosing as well. Still nothing helps. My father and I are not in the best of health and although we love her and she has been a part of our family and brought us joy and companionship, I struggle with keeping a dog with such an aggressive nature. I did think of giving her away to a family, or individual, but I feel I must be honest about her aggressive behavior. I would hate to find out she bit a child or anyone else. I have discussed this with friends and family. Some tell me to take her back to the pound (I knew what they will do there)......others, tell me to keep her, but confine her to a place......, give her to someone......... I don't know what to do. What I am sure of is I don't want to see my father endure any more bites. Both times my father was bit, he was reaching for me phone in one instance and my dog thought he was going to attack me! There you have it! What would you do under these same circumstances?
  21. Long story short. Me and my ex ended Sunday after a long battle with each other (Together 5 months but were good friends before we were together) he had a troubled family life and underlying mental issues I think. And me? Well I've accepted I go for men who tend to have issues or are passive aggressive and struggle with their anger. I've decided I'm putting my standards up again until I find someone whose on my level. Does anyone feel like they will never find a good looking man with a compatible personality to you? I seem to attract all the wrong attention and I don't know why! I'm also struggling after this breakup, I'm very numb but then I get a feeling of sadness coming and going.
  22. Hi all, It has been a while since I posted on these fantastic forums that have helped me get over three breakups, but I have spent a couple of years being single since my last relationship ended, and I have been trying to work on issues that I undoubtedly have/have had. One thing that I am struggling with is how I react to a perceived wrongdoing by someone, however minor it might be. I'm sure everyone reacts differently to such scenarios, but what I do is go extremely quiet, ignore the perceived offender for hours, build and build this negative image of the person in my head, get in a bad mood which will continue until I can escape the situation and spend some time on my own. Today's example: I am originally from the UK, but have lived and worked in Japan for 7 years. I am now on a 6 month sabbatical studying Japanese in Kyoto as I needed a boost to my language skills. It is very intensive with so much information each day, writing, speaking, homework, tests, the lot. I am just about coping, but anyway, there is one teacher at the academy I attend who I have taken a dislike to. Blown out of proportion, I'm sure, but I tend to always get in a bad mood on her days (Wednesday and Friday). Today, we had a Kanji Test (Japanese characters) which is something that I really struggle with, but she was talking during the test, and I couldn't concentrate. I asked her quite sternly to be quiet, in Japanese, and then was passive aggressive for the next two hours and didn't really contribute to her lesson. I answered if she asked me a question, but I didn't raise a smile or be the jokey person I usually am in class with other teachers. This kind of thing happens a lot with me, I have noticed. I am a very independent person, with few real friends, and I absolutely prefer my own company. I recharge by being on my own and would definitely say I am an introvert, although in other things I am adventurous, e.g. travelled all over independently, lived in New Zealand, South Korea, Japan, etc. So, the point is: how can I change my behaviour pattern? My Dad and older brother are the same, actually worse than me in my Dad's case. He would literally disappear for days after an argument with my Mum. Not sure if that is a feasible excuse for me to rely upon, and maybe it is irrelevant. I am always looking inwardly to try and improve, be it through meditation, mindfulness, or whatever. But situations arise, I react negatively, and then later in the day wonder why I was such an idiot to make a big deal out of it (although I always maintain I had legitimate reasons for being upset, initially at least). I will stop here, but if anyone can relate or advise, then please respond - I would be delighted to hear your feedback/impressions. Thanks, Rich
  23. Ok, here's the story. I've been really close friend with this person for two years, and she's awesome to be with. She's kind, funny, fun, a great listener, and she always give a helping hand whenever I need it, and I've been the same for her. From the very beginning, I knew we were complete opposite. She's dominate, aggressive, controlling, head strong, a drama queen, munipultive, and my biggest pep peeve that she posess is that she yells. However with me, I'm passive, sensative, a dweller, unforgiving, innocent, brutally honest and annalytical. So as you can see, we are complete opposite. About a year ago, someone have said to me that this friend of mine of who I've trusted for two years been saying sh*t about me behind my back. I absorb it, but I didn't take it in. As meaning, I made sure that the information she gave is secured in my mind, but I didn't made a conclusion that she did say those things. Like I've done with many of my other friends, I've always approach them if they did say those things about me. However, with her, I approached the situation differently because of her dominent personality. I would do anything to avoid confrontation simply because I'm not a fighter, and I hate to be yelled at. With her, I'll receive that for sure. So I thought of another idea. I've decided to talk to someone else about it who happens to be friends with the person who given me the information. I can't remember what I've said to her exactly. I guess I said some things that I shouldn't say, but I was very angry because I didn't what to believe that this friend who I cared about would bash me behind my back, nor would I want to believe that I've been lied to. Although, my objective of this converstion was really, "how do I approach someone who's dominent without being yelled at." Finally I did, and personally, I think it went well. I got my point accross in a delicate way possible, and I wasn't yelled at. I was also pleased when she said that she would never do that. Weeks went by, and she completely yelled at me, and accused me of bashing her, and spreading our problems to everyone when I haven't. Although, I've talked to my boss because I felt I was violated. This is the things that she was not too happy about. She said that I should approach her about it immediately rather than approaching someone else about it. She believes that is bashing behind someone's back She said that if I was truly a friend of hers, I wouldn't believe such rubbish. She said it's really none of our employer's business, and that I shouldn't have talked to her about it. She said that she doesn't regret yelling at me because she feels she needs to put the fear in me so then I would stop with this nonsense. She says that my behavior and my choice in action was pathetic, and that I need to grow up.
  24. Well, I've posted something similar last month, but I just don't know what to do anymore. My gf and I get along great, etc. But something just doesn't feel right about it to me. My gf will talk and talk about everything except "us." For example she will talk and talk about people I don't even know, and about their problems such as her friend's sister's brothers who said this to so and so and...blah...blah...blah. I don't care about these people she talks about because I don't even know them. I can't stand it anymore. Should I tell her how I feel? We've been dating for 5 months now, and the only time we have a conversation of substance is when I bring it up, and then she changes the subject ASAP. She just doesn't seem to care to talk about things about "us." I'm really sick and tired of bringing things up. And now, I've become passive aggressive with her - I don't want to tell her compliments anymore because I'm sick of being the first to say things, and I'm not going to bring "us" up anynore. Am I being too critical? I'm just not happy with the whole picture. But again, I love being with her, etc.
  25. I debated whether to put this in Healing after break-up or here. It's a combo of both i guess, but the q has to do with growth. thx. Very often as I feel bad today, I bust out crying. It's really ridiculous. I feel immobilized and stuck today. Didn't even want to get out of bed. Just vegged. Baked up lots of food, been on computer, walked - that's it. Tomorrow is an important night to a friend - i'm already dreading it. That's not a good sign to me, so this may be a bit long and ranty. Last night the ex contacted me. And I told him off. I was really enraged inside, like crazy person enraged that he made contact. Since I didn't expect it, I hadn't bothered to change any of my numbers or accounts. I mean, we left off good and understanding (as far i knew). I over reacted. It was very clumsy and too aggressive. Yet, I can't say I regret stopping the contact right there. My decision was made, I feel I have to stick with it, and last night reaffirmed it. Nothing has changed to make it possible for us to work right now. In fact, I'm super vulnerable and all-over-the-map right now. Time for some brute honesty. My self-esteem is in the can. My moods are all over. My communication is splotchy and rather than being assertive in personal relationships: it usually borders close to aggression. I'm (no longer) violent, that isn't even an option anymore. That's not the concern or what I mean. Yes, I have been violent before. It doesn't feel good to know that, I know I was wrong. But that is part of my past. I feel like a nervous animal. On guard. Nervous. Sometimes paranoid. Sometimes hysterical. Unstable. Untrustworthy. Instead of telling you what I feel - you'd hear nothing or opinions. Later, I might be snappy or pick a fight. This is everything I never wanted to be. This is why I need to be alone and know me. Assert I. No longer feel ashamed or guilty. And I do, I feel really really guilty when there is something I need or want. I'm finding that my first, automatic reflex is the punish response. I automatically punish myself, and it's been beyond my conscious recognition. I see this pattern: A sad feeling starts, I freeze, I panic inside, I hear a little voice in my head saying "You're stupid" or "You're weak!", I punish myself in some way (more on that later), A sad feeling starts.... But today, today, at the part where I punish myself in some way comes in; I have been freezing and bawling my eyes out. The sadness passes, comes back later...and so it is going. It happens the same when I feel good or proud: shame, guilt, punish. Occasionally, I can bypass it altogether. I'm trying to build myself back up. I feel like I have tasted something beautiful, but it was just a sampler. One little hill, lots left to go. And i'm really tired. Of course! This kind of life is exhausting. (which makes me want to punish myself ). Major areas to cleanse: *the self-pitying *the lashing out for attention *the withdrawl *the self hate talk *constantly thinking of the past ..................................................... My major question right now is: tips to break the punish-self response? I've been trying to think of a good substition when that urge/reflex pops up, but like I said, today has mainly been crying. It feels against all inside me to do something good for myself at that moment - so i'm thinking the answer must be something simple? I dunno, if you've found a way let me know eh. I remember now deep in my body - Yeah, I have needs, and they are important to me, dammit! I want to feed them, but they get bogged out so quickly with the mean-to-self stuff. So I'm thinking maybe a combo-attack. A supportive nudge would be lovely. Thanks for reading and listening to this all.
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