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About Me

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  1. Hello everyone! I was just wondering why do girls seem to have a preferance of tall guys over short guys? I understand that being tall can be a standard, but at the same time it can be just a tad shallow. I say this because most of the girls I know and have asked this question to say that they feel comfort and safety in a guy who is tall and fit instead of short and skinny. The way I see it, it's just the feeling of having protection just because of physical appearance. However, when the time comes for the guy to display his strength, that doesn't mean he will be able to come through...he just has the look. I'm very confident, assertive, and aggressive...but i'm 5'3 and skinny. The thing is, out of having those qualities, can't a girl find comfort and safety in me because of that? Why do girls seem to prefer to have someone with the physical attributes of comfort instead of a person who is strong menatlly and very confident in his abilities? Couldn't she find comfort in that? I'm not saying the tall guy doesn't have confidence. If anything if the tall average sized guy can confident and have the muscle as a plus. I'm also not trying to imply that every women wants a man who can throw a punch. I'm just curious as to why taller and average instead of same height or a little less and skinny? BTW that's also trying not to include the fact that muscles or average are sexually attracting to women.
  2. Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. thereforeeee be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
  3. Internal Aggression Capsize in the cavity of my chest And fever this frost that tapers the flame. The death of me sweeps too fast under the gray And the eyes milk over the motions of today And I fear it will conquer this starving root. As I’ve tried eyes past lids to twist the bitter out of my pallid. I’ve cast this hope in gold and bound it in steel wire teeth Against these tides I want the gray to know what’s mine I want this beast to know my blood from its heat And the way it brews against the coils of my veins. For all that I own In flesh and bone I want it know it I want it to fear it. I wrote this about overcoming panic attacks.
  4. I am sorry. But it was total madness at this church social. Some of the things that happen in church are just as crazy as what happens in a bar or nightclub. Most of the people in the event were in their thirties and fourties. One of the woman in the event looked like Audrey Hepburn. The woman was a lawyer, who was in her late twenties and early thirties. Things started out normally. I went up to her and started talking to her. Instead of being that nice guy who asked too many questions, I started flirting with her. By flirting, I mean being playfull. The girl was laughing and having a good time. Then out of know where, two of my friends killed the intimacy and joined in the conversation. At this point, she was surrounded by three guys(me, and two of my friends). Then something crazy happened. Out of no where, two middle-aged guys joined in the conversation. I felt uncomfortable with all these other guys competing for her attention so I left. She was surrounded by about four guys now. Even with all the attention, she was extremely polite and friendly with the guys. She even gave one of the guys her email address. For the rest of the night, she got mobbed by the guys in the room the way Brittany Spears gets mobbed by the papparazi. At the end of the night, her patience started wearing thin. This middle-aged gentleman was asking her all these questions about herself. The woman kept on conveniently excusing herself to get some appetizers. The guy realized what was happening and decided to just invite her to an event without asking for her a number. As she was leaving the building and heading to her car, this quiet guy did the stupidest thing ever. He started following her and asking questions like "Are you from around here?". The woman lost her composure and she walked QUICKLY to her car. She tried to blow him off with the line "It was nice meeting you". That guy got embarssed and rejected harshly in front of other people. This is what happens in a lot of church singles groups. You have a lot of nice, older guys chasing that young, beautiful woman in the room, while all the other woman are completely ignored. The woman who is getting all this attention is initially flattered by the attention. But she eventually acts cold when she realizes how aggressive the guys can be. The guys at church can be even more aggressive than the young guys you see at bars and nightclubs.
  5. I at my age (yes 33) have developed an insecurity problem. I have anxiety issues that have caused me major setbacks in my life. I have these issues and yet I give people hypocritical advice on how to deal with such problems. Ever since then, the thought of worrying about what others think and say about me has plagued me for 5 years. I do not know where it has come from. I even have created self doubt in my abilities as a whole. Since these thindgs have occurred, I am unable to maintain or develop long lasting relationships with others. I feel tormented by others who choose to wickedly harass me everytime they see me at my school with vicious comments that effect my way of thinking and I have tried to handle the problem but with poor results. Sometimes I would react by lashing out, through violent attacks, crazy outbursts or approaching them unexpectantly by slapping them or making them shut up instantly. However, this approach does seem exhausting and childish. I need an effective way to handle the situation. I have not done anthing to harm these people or said anything to cause them to treat me this way before (except harming them or threatening in self defense)but after awhile it makes me wonder what did I do to deserve this? Have I trained or taught these people how to treat me? It has gotten to the point of avoiding others while also treating people badly to get rid of them with erractic behavior and lack of trust. I thought that God should fight your battles for you. I thought that by showing that you are unmoved by their taunts or comments that they would eventually become bored and give up altogether in behaving this way. Or am I living in a fantasy world? Could it be that others hate you tremendously because you choose to be different and you won't change for anyone? Or is it because deep down they are truly insecure themselves and are going along with everyone else's attitude to avoid being left out of the fun? I have tried to go to church for answers on how to be more calmed and less panicky on this and other things, but it is very hard to be dedicated to the lord when the devil (negative people) tries your faith and brings you down. What is the best approach to this situation? WHAT is the difference between assertive and aggressive? How can I overcome this dilemma? Am I mentally unstable and truly sick for feeling and thinking this way? I need your help. I am very optimistic, but I do not need this kind of stress hanging on my head when there more important matters to be concerned about. Please help free me from my emotional prison. This is what has caused me not to move on from anything I needed to be removed from. I know as a grown woman I should be passed from this, but it is a lot more deeper and harder for me to deal with. Thank you to all opinons and all thoughts are welcomed.....
  6. This past week on Valentine's day a horrific shooting happened. A young man killed his ex-girlfriend and then killed himself. I knew this young man..he was actually my friend at one point but we lost contact over the past year. He NEVER seemed aggressive at all or angry in any way. He had such a calm personality on the OUTSIDE. I had been grieving his death and taking it pretty hard. Today I found out that he had been abusive and threatening to kill her over the past year...something I just could not believe but now I am forced to. Please, Please, if you are in a situation like this one seek help immediately - even if people don't believe you about how he really is. Don't deny the reality. It is not worth something tragic like this happening...
  7. Hello, I'm a bit unsure of myself with the lack of action i took the other day when I went to the pub with my girlfriend and my mates. To make it short, we ended up playing doubles at pool with these guys there, and one of them was very drunk and couldn't take losing at the game so starting getting aggressive in other ways (e.g getting aggressive). One thing he did was begin speaking to my girlfriend. She brushed off anything he said, it didn't bother me that he was talking to her. However, at one point this guy abruptly peck-kissed my girlfriends hand. I didn't do anything about it, only joked about it with her afterwards since I saw it as trivial. However it has been snagging on my mind that maybe I should've been aggressive to the guy about this, even though he didn't do anything else. One part of me thinks "ah its no big deal, he only pecked her on the hand and he was very drunk" but another part says I should've been violent about it. I'm unsure and want to know everybodys opinion of what they would do/would've advised me to do. It's really snagged onto my mind and wont go away. Thanks!
  8. Ok, this is turning out to be something that is really bothering me. When me and my gf (well, x gf now, but that is another story and is unrelated) have sex, everything building up to my first orgasm is amazing, I feel energized, I feel adrenaline, I feel like I have the stamina of 10 men plus 2. Me and my girlfriend (I am just gonna speak as if me and her are still together because it is easier to type out my question this way) both feel this. Both of our hearts are pounding hard, both of us are lusting and moaning for each other like wild animals. We usually keep this going for about 45 minutes until I have my first orgasm. Then it all just stops. I mean, I do keep my erection up with some concentration, but the aggressiveness I had just goes away, my heart just stops beating hard, and my wild animal lusting just.... stops. I mean, I keep going and make sure she gets off of course, I am not selfish, but I wanna be able to have my first orgasm, and still have that aggression in me. I find myself out of it, and tempted to roll over and go to sleep after getting off, I do not loose my erection, I just find myself not as sexually driven after it. I wanna change this, I wanna go for 2-3 hours and have a lot more then 1 orgasm. To this day I can sometimes make it an hour and a half, but I have never had more then one orgasm during sex. You can imagine, I need some advice here.
  9. So... I used to be extremely aggressive sexually. Then I discovered the wonderful world of submission. I have come to realize that I enjoy being a sub way more than being a domme. So this new guy I've started having sex with would prefer it if I was the agressor. So here are my issues/questions: 1. Last week he was on top of me while we were kissing and touching, he stopped and said, "Remember how I told you I hate feeling like a 16 year old trying to convince a girl to have sex with me? Well, I'm feeling that way now."... So things were settled when I flipped him on his back and had at him. So my question is; Is there some deep issues here or could he just really like it when a woman is aggressive? 2. It's been a LONG time since I've been the domme sexually; any tips, ideas on what to do and how to get him going? He's not into the bondage thing. (I already asked.)
  10. I've always had an attraction to eccentric women. I think that kind of quirkiness makes women colorful and interesting. And I've been wondering, how many other people out there appreciate eccentricity in the opposite sex? For example... The one female friend I've ever had, many years ago, was a former army MP who was into bodybuilding, collected guns and guitars, and was a rock music fanatic who occasionally had her name changed to that of her current favorite rock star. (When I met her, she'd had 5 names that I know of.) She was a cabinet maker who could build beautiful furniture. Maybe it's because I've had such a sheltered life myself; maybe I just deeply want to break out and experience life outside the lines. I also think that being a shy and innocent guy with perhaps even a slightly submissive streak is the reason I'm so attracted to extroverted, aggressive, eccentric, and even somewhat dangerous women. Do any other guys or girls out there feel this way, or am I the only one? Any thoughts?
  11. link removed Interesting article about Passive aggressive men. I just got done with one and have been in a relationship with another one. I seem to attract them. They are so aggreeable and accomadating at first, then they subtle and not so subltly turn on you. It's hard becuase his good points are so good, but he has no idea his dark side and the effect it has on loved ones. I couldn't stand it anymore. The living with the fear he was going to leave me, the lies,etc.. But the love was grand. If I could only have that part. What are you experinces with passive-agggressiveness in relationships?
  12. Well, I've posted something similar last month, but I just don't know what to do anymore. My gf and I get along great, etc. But something just doesn't feel right about it to me. My gf will talk and talk about everything except "us." For example she will talk and talk about people I don't even know, and about their problems such as her friend's sister's brothers who said this to so and so and...blah...blah...blah. I don't care about these people she talks about because I don't even know them. I can't stand it anymore. Should I tell her how I feel? We've been dating for 5 months now, and the only time we have a conversation of substance is when I bring it up, and then she changes the subject ASAP. She just doesn't seem to care to talk about things about "us." I'm really sick and tired of bringing things up. And now, I've become passive aggressive with her - I don't want to tell her compliments anymore because I'm sick of being the first to say things, and I'm not going to bring "us" up anynore. Am I being too critical? I'm just not happy with the whole picture. But again, I love being with her, etc.
  13. HOly moly!!!! I found out that i maybe passive aggressive!! Does anyone here sufer from that?? If so, any advice on how to beat this problem? I have realised that it has ben affacing my relationship. it has been affacting everything it do!! How can i solve this problem.. I am really disappointed that i havent figure this out sooner.. Anyone, any ideas??
  14. when it comes to relationships...im not aggressive...at all. I have no problem being aggressive with people i dont like, i'll tell them what i think and why i dont like them. but other then that im very shy...its hard for me to say whats on my mind or what im feeling or why im feeling. i let my friends push me around and i dont tell them that it bothers me. some things that my boyfriend does bothers me but i hold it in, i dont say anything about it. im just like, "oh ok" *acts happy* but im tired of that, i've tried being more open and assertive but it doesnt work. so blah i guess i just had to write all this down
  15. Alright, I'd never thought I would ever need relationship advice (I don't know why.. it just always seemed very strange). I'm 20 years old (young, I know) and my first girlfriend I met over the internet two and a half years ago. If anyone has ever been skeptical of "online" relationships it's probably been me. At the time I lived in Georgia, and she lived in California. We really liked each other and I believe we had the best time of our lives around each other; it was really special and even quite intimate (or as intimate as the internet gets). About two years after we started talking to each other, I decided to move to California (since it so happened that my family was moving). I moved in spite of the fact that I would lose all my friends at College, and that I would be thrown into another social universe. I also had a scholarship that I lost. When I moved to California, I was a complete wuss and very nervous to actually "man up" and meet her. I was so scared, she was my first girlfriend, and it was very difficult to actually make up my mind and meet her (for some reason). Call it shyness; I knew I loved her, though. We were supposed to meet in January 2006, and I backed out with a lazy lie.. she was very hurt but she kept wanting to meet me. From January, she really started to enjoy playing World of Warcraft, and I felt no direct need to tell her she's playing too much. Unfortunately, while she was playing WoW, I was doing other things and not being with her (and sometimes neglecting her thinking that it would give her more freedom). In July, she sent an email to one of the guys she was playing WoW with asking him if he's be interested in starting a relationship with her. She told me of her "unfaithfulness", so to speak, and I was furious. In two weeks or so, however, she came back to me telling me that she cried a lot and that she never knew how much she meant to me. With that said, we finally met in September. I took her to the movies, to the beach, it was overall a wonderful night, and I know she enjoyed it very much. Unfortunately, the next day took an odd turn. We were supposed to meet again, but I slept in accidentally and I stood her up. I still feel horrible about that, and she felt incredibly hurt by me. She has been hurt in the past (by close friends), so I think I just fed the fire. I feel absolutely horrible for what I did. Unfortunately, it gets worse. When we got back, I neglected her for a week because I had a lot of online stuff and real-life stuff to take care of. She thought that was the end of it, and practically threw our relationship out the window. Now, she is pursuing the relationship with the guy she plays WoW with. She plays the game for about 10hours a day, and she really likes him. I tried talking to the guy and all he can tell me is to just move on and let it go. I simply can't do that. I was so angry because of their flirtatious attitudes that I sent out a mass-email with some of her "inappropriate" pictures that she took only for ME (back in the day). I obviously made things worse. When I talk to her on the phone she just says she's scared of me, she hates me, she threw away our relationship, and that she never sees us being together ever again. I just think that if I can meet her once more in real life and show her the real me, she'll understand. I really am a nice guy, and this is the first mean thing I've ever done in my life. I feel so horrible, and my parents are very disappointed in me (I told them the story as well). I am trying to tell her that it won't work out with this other guy (he lives 1700 miles away) and that they won't be able to have the same relationship me and her could (a local one). I don't know what to do. I tried being aggressive, passive, a mean guy, a nice guy. She still answers her phone, and sometimes she's still even semi-flirtatious with me. When I mention that she still could be together and when I say "I know you still have feelings for me", she just blows up and tells me that I turn her off with my aggressive attitude. I've also been very pushy (checking her email, her facebook, her myspace). I would have never imagined myself being stalker-ish. I hate myself. I don't know what to do. She makes me so happy. I know I can move on, and I am trying to, but I would much rather get her back with her. Right now, I am trying to get her to meet me for New Years and spend some time with me on the beach, in a hotel room, etc. No sex or anything, but I just think she has a misconception about me... and that I would truly be the guy of her dreams if I could just prove it to her. I sent her a card in the mail, with two hand written letters. She thought they were "cute" but I don't know whether I'm reading too much into all these tiny little comments. Sometimes I feel that she only wants to talk to me because she doesn't want me to be hurt, not because she is thinking about getting back together. Also, before I sent out the mass-email, she said that it "crossed her mind" to get back together with me, but that now it's not even on her radar. Overall, I made most of the mistakes in the relationship, and I don't think I deserve her. I would love to change for the better though, and I have changed so much, but she just won't even extend a finger towards me. Most people say just "give it time" or just "forget about her". I don't know what to do, I really want her back. She makes me happy, and makes my day a brighter day. Today I told her I'd stop calling, but I can't see myself doing that. I need to hear her voice. Sometimes I feel that she needs me, too.. but whenever I criticize the other guy, she always defends him like she used to defend me. It hurts me so much. At the same time as she can't see how I could be such a jerk, I can't see how she can be so irrational.. I mean a relationship based off of a computer game? Not only that, but how many people actually move cross-country? I just feel that I got the short-end of the stick, and that there is absolutely no way to remedy the situation. She says that she still thinks about me a lot and that it's "awkward" not having me there. I mean, talking on the phone at least 3 times a day for 2 and a half years kind of would do that to you. Also, I can get plenty of girls, and I've had the chance to get plenty of girls when I was with her, but I "saved" myself for her because I thought it would be something life-changing and a once in a lifetime experience. For some reason, I still can't look at any girls or flirt with any girls. I just want her. What should I do? How much time should I give it? Should I bring presents? Should I visit her in person? (She said no several times to that.) At the same time, I think that she is scared of falling in love with me again because she says we'll "end up back here". I am lost. Thanks for all the help, and thank you for reading.
  16. About 3 weeks ago I met a woman. We began talking on the phone, meeting after class (we met at college- but we're both in our late 20s), and spending a lot of time together. This past week, I've been going over to her apartment..and thought the time was right to try to kiss her. She wouldn't let me. So about two days later I was over her apartment and tried once again. She wouldn't let me again.. and said that she wasn't sure if she wanted to "go to the next level" because she was afraid it would affect her school work. However, while I was there she put her legs on top of me on the couch as I massaged her feet and caressed her arms. Anyway, as I was leaving (I figured I had failed with her) she gives me this hug, and puts her head into my chest and gives me a quick half kiss.. she held me tightly for a while. Then she tells me that she is glad that I was there that night.. What do you guys think? I really like this person, but I don't know if I should continue to persue this. It seems that maybe I'm being a bit too aggressive as far as trying to kiss her, but I dunno if that's really the case. I'd appreciate any advice
  17. Ok, here's the story. I've been really close friend with this person for two years, and she's awesome to be with. She's kind, funny, fun, a great listener, and she always give a helping hand whenever I need it, and I've been the same for her. From the very beginning, I knew we were complete opposite. She's dominate, aggressive, controlling, head strong, a drama queen, munipultive, and my biggest pep peeve that she posess is that she yells. However with me, I'm passive, sensative, a dweller, unforgiving, innocent, brutally honest and annalytical. So as you can see, we are complete opposite. About a year ago, someone have said to me that this friend of mine of who I've trusted for two years been saying sh*t about me behind my back. I absorb it, but I didn't take it in. As meaning, I made sure that the information she gave is secured in my mind, but I didn't made a conclusion that she did say those things. Like I've done with many of my other friends, I've always approach them if they did say those things about me. However, with her, I approached the situation differently because of her dominent personality. I would do anything to avoid confrontation simply because I'm not a fighter, and I hate to be yelled at. With her, I'll receive that for sure. So I thought of another idea. I've decided to talk to someone else about it who happens to be friends with the person who given me the information. I can't remember what I've said to her exactly. I guess I said some things that I shouldn't say, but I was very angry because I didn't what to believe that this friend who I cared about would bash me behind my back, nor would I want to believe that I've been lied to. Although, my objective of this converstion was really, "how do I approach someone who's dominent without being yelled at." Finally I did, and personally, I think it went well. I got my point accross in a delicate way possible, and I wasn't yelled at. I was also pleased when she said that she would never do that. Weeks went by, and she completely yelled at me, and accused me of bashing her, and spreading our problems to everyone when I haven't. Although, I've talked to my boss because I felt I was violated. This is the things that she was not too happy about. She said that I should approach her about it immediately rather than approaching someone else about it. She believes that is bashing behind someone's back She said that if I was truly a friend of hers, I wouldn't believe such rubbish. She said it's really none of our employer's business, and that I shouldn't have talked to her about it. She said that she doesn't regret yelling at me because she feels she needs to put the fear in me so then I would stop with this nonsense. She says that my behavior and my choice in action was pathetic, and that I need to grow up.
  18. i've realized with this girl i like she becomes much more touchy-feely and takes more initiative when she has the smallest amount of alcohol in her (not saying that's WHY she's so friendly, but i'm sure it contributes and is consequential of the drinking)... however she says she's entirely sober and myself and everyone can tell she is... so i'm asking you ladies does the slightest amount of alcohol loosen you up, even if you're extremely straight-minded?? also, if you realize you're being too aggressive with a guy (that you take interest in and once you realize he is interested too) do you tend to switch-up your game sotospeak, and become more unavailable and distant to perhaps drive a man to desire you more and make the situation more interesting, a "hunt" if you will? thanks guys, love ya!
  19. I'm so frigging angry and just need to vent. Can you believe, after all the advice I got to let this stupid thing go, I actually called him again this evening, he didn't pick up, and clearly isn't going to call back!! I could kick myself, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I'm so pissed off!! He's nearly 40, for crying out loud! If our problems with misunderstanding are enough to make him move on, fine, I accept that, but it's just IMMATURE to refuse to pick up the phone or return calls. Why is he doing that? It's not like I'm aggressive or emotional or anything. I truly am not - he's never had to deal with any emotional stuff from me, I'm very laid back about all this sort of thing. On the surface, anyway. It's just so frustrating, having this unresolved. I don't understand how he can just let the whole thing hang. Is he deliberately making a decision to let me stew (it's working) by not talking to me? Or am I the last thing on his mind right now, and when he sees my number coming up, he really can't be bothered answering it?
  20. Hello all, though I'm a terrible advice-giver in these matters, there are angels on this site, so I post here. Thanks in advance? Met this girl quite by fate on the street late one night two months ago...and floated all the way home. Never been a big believer in "love at first sight" but we had a conversation that brought me as close as I've come to such things. I saw her a couple times after...I've had to move out of town recently until Xmas, but we've kept in solid contact since, and I feel our friendship/relationship has grown through our email. She recently disclosed that she was divorced last April. Now I'm not sure if I should be chasing or should I let it be as it is for awhile. I don't want to scare her away if she's not ready, but I also don't want her to lose interest because I'm not moving! I would really like her to visit me in the cool place I'm at, but maybe that's too forward right now. How long should I wait? She's really cool, and I think about her alot...so it's tough...but I want to make her comfortable with us. Advice?
  21. I've been visiting a few of these threads on this site and thought I'd post up my situation and maybe get some good advice from any of you. Ill try and make the story short! I've met my ex last year, after 8 months, 2 months of which living together, he decided to leave the house: he had a few problems to handle by himself ( no job, slightly depressed...) I ofcourse took it badly telling myself, crap I couldnt help him out. ANYWAY... this happened in Feburary this year. Eversince we've been seeing each other almost every week....he'd come over, sleep over blabla! He'd then not give news for a day or two and Id get upset and react like a very mean b*tch everytime...normal in a way yet not very mature! So yes anyway, in between all this, there would be I love you, love you not, or I want to be with you blabla. I finally came to a conclusion that he needed timet o figure things out...I dated inbetween! So these past two weeks after saying ENOUGH, he gave me a call saying that he feels that its really stupid that we didnt meet each other later in life blabla... Ok so the latest, I stopped calling him for a few days and we talked yesterdsay, he came over and decided that next week he would invite me over to his appartment for dinner and we would talk things through (let me point out that he has suggestedt his twice already but I would become aggressive before he would invite me). I told him ok fine he told me, as long as you dont become bitcy with me within the next two days. OK, so for those who are reading, dont take me for a naive person, I realise that he is probably playing mind games HOWEVER, tell me then why would this 30 year old male, who DOES have a few issues to handle in his immature head, bother with a person like me ( example, coming back from a 600km car trip, I asked him to come, he came 100km further from where he was supposed to stop, nice!) OK so here's the deal, ok when you love someone you want to or dont want to be with them and it should stay at that BUT thats just bull because there are other issues around that whole matter that are important. Do you believe, after 8 months of ups and downs, of fighting, loving, hating, lying, declarations.... there is actually a love connection between the both of us or are we just hanging on to an "ideal".... after 8 months of all this? What to do what to do?
  22. This seems to be a great support site. My story is long and dreary but I'll summarise it: Two years ago, a man who had a reputation as a womaniser approached me and wanted to go out with me. He was after me for months trying to convince me that his 'reputation' was false and that he was actually very loving and loyal and just hadn't found the right woman. Fool that I was, I got involved with him, and then followed what I have heard called an 'emotional roller-coaster' and the 'mean and sweet' cycle. From declarations of love, to hurtful verbal abuse, to apologies to mental torment to infidelity, to games to accusations - I was just a basket case at the end. I ended it before the summer as I really had had enough. I was the one changing because of him. I was becoming resentful, bitter, aggressive and very rude to him (probably a defence mechanism). I was paranoid and suspicious of everything he did. So we finished three times. He came back every single time and I took him back. Why? I don't know. I don't want to say that I loved him because that makes me sick. Last week he called and wanted to meet me. I agreed (as he owed me money and wanted to return it). In the meeting, he kissed me and even tried to instigate intimacy. I refused and actually started screaming at him for just messing with my head. He lost his temper and told me to get lost, accusing me of having a foul, terrible, of a temper...(i don't really, not with ANYONE else). It's just that I feel so enraged at him, his ambivalence and behaviour sometimes. I felt bad. Yesterday I called him and apologised to him (the first time I have EVER initiated contact). I said I realised that I had over-reacted but wasn't sure what he wanted. I didn't just want to be a casual hook-up for him but if he wanted more, we needed to really talk and BOTH needed to make compromises. He said sorry but he couldn't deal with my temper, and besides he was involved with someone else!!! The man who tried to have sex with me a night before!!! I just couldn't believe it. I called him a - and he said I've been involved with women on and off all the time - and you know that. So why are you upset? I have left you not for her, but because of your bad temper!!! Ladies and gentlemen. I am ashamed to say that I started justifying myself to him, explaining that my temper was because of HIS mistreatment and whenever he behaved we had a wonderful time and that if he didn't mess me around we would be good together. He said NO NO NO, that it was over, and finished and I was great but NOT MEANT FOR HIM. We were incompatible. I don't know why I was begging him to be with me, since till that morning I didn't want to be with him!! It's just the thought that he made my 'temper' the reason for finishing things when it was so much more than that. I know what everyone will say: good riddance and all that, and I am very well aware of that. I just wanted to say all this so that SOMEONE SOMEWHERE will say this wasn't my fault. That's all I need. Because I feel that I have given it my all and did ALOT of for him - but for him, it just didn't amount to anything. All I got in return was accusations and the feeling that I didn't quite cut it. Sorry if this is long.
  23. Really? We are thinking of moving to Broomfield. I want out of CA so bad. It is aggressive and impersonal here. When I visit CO, I talk to everyone. It is so radically different than here. My sister loves it and would not come back to CA for anything. We both grew up in Ohio so maybe we just fit in better with the CO lifestyle. What do you do? I am thinking of going 100 percent self employed. I am really good at managing money and doing taxes. Has to be a spot there for me but I know it will take time. Need to sell this darn house here which is tough right now. I am ready for a change...18 years here is too much. Take care.
  24. I debated whether to put this in Healing after break-up or here. It's a combo of both i guess, but the q has to do with growth. thx. Very often as I feel bad today, I bust out crying. It's really ridiculous. I feel immobilized and stuck today. Didn't even want to get out of bed. Just vegged. Baked up lots of food, been on computer, walked - that's it. Tomorrow is an important night to a friend - i'm already dreading it. That's not a good sign to me, so this may be a bit long and ranty. Last night the ex contacted me. And I told him off. I was really enraged inside, like crazy person enraged that he made contact. Since I didn't expect it, I hadn't bothered to change any of my numbers or accounts. I mean, we left off good and understanding (as far i knew). I over reacted. It was very clumsy and too aggressive. Yet, I can't say I regret stopping the contact right there. My decision was made, I feel I have to stick with it, and last night reaffirmed it. Nothing has changed to make it possible for us to work right now. In fact, I'm super vulnerable and all-over-the-map right now. Time for some brute honesty. My self-esteem is in the can. My moods are all over. My communication is splotchy and rather than being assertive in personal relationships: it usually borders close to aggression. I'm (no longer) violent, that isn't even an option anymore. That's not the concern or what I mean. Yes, I have been violent before. It doesn't feel good to know that, I know I was wrong. But that is part of my past. I feel like a nervous animal. On guard. Nervous. Sometimes paranoid. Sometimes hysterical. Unstable. Untrustworthy. Instead of telling you what I feel - you'd hear nothing or opinions. Later, I might be snappy or pick a fight. This is everything I never wanted to be. This is why I need to be alone and know me. Assert I. No longer feel ashamed or guilty. And I do, I feel really really guilty when there is something I need or want. I'm finding that my first, automatic reflex is the punish response. I automatically punish myself, and it's been beyond my conscious recognition. I see this pattern: A sad feeling starts, I freeze, I panic inside, I hear a little voice in my head saying "You're stupid" or "You're weak!", I punish myself in some way (more on that later), A sad feeling starts.... But today, today, at the part where I punish myself in some way comes in; I have been freezing and bawling my eyes out. The sadness passes, comes back later...and so it is going. It happens the same when I feel good or proud: shame, guilt, punish. Occasionally, I can bypass it altogether. I'm trying to build myself back up. I feel like I have tasted something beautiful, but it was just a sampler. One little hill, lots left to go. And i'm really tired. Of course! This kind of life is exhausting. (which makes me want to punish myself ). Major areas to cleanse: *the self-pitying *the lashing out for attention *the withdrawl *the self hate talk *constantly thinking of the past ..................................................... My major question right now is: tips to break the punish-self response? I've been trying to think of a good substition when that urge/reflex pops up, but like I said, today has mainly been crying. It feels against all inside me to do something good for myself at that moment - so i'm thinking the answer must be something simple? I dunno, if you've found a way let me know eh. I remember now deep in my body - Yeah, I have needs, and they are important to me, dammit! I want to feed them, but they get bogged out so quickly with the mean-to-self stuff. So I'm thinking maybe a combo-attack. A supportive nudge would be lovely. Thanks for reading and listening to this all.
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