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The_Vacancy

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  1. well this i was kind of not planning on typing up because it's hard to tell an entire forum. but i really want to get it off my shoulders. my friend who i only knew over the internet was having alot of problems, he told me he was bisexual, he was always telling me about how much he hated life and how things were not going right for him and he was not enjoying life. at the time he was telling me this i was only about 12 or 13 years old. anyway time went on and we continued to be friends and after a little while i noticed he was not coming on to talk to me anymore and i wasn't really worried because i didn't expect anything unusual to have happened. after a couple of months my life moved on, i never spoke to him again and he never replied to my emails, nor did he reply to any of his friends emails. it's been two years, maybe three now i am still not even sure precisely. but tonight i re-thought about this after visiting the forums he used to be on and i feel stupid now that i am older. i realise he has disappeared, for three years. gone. and i realise now that all of the things he was telling me about his problems, he was being serious and he was telling me and i took them as nothing. i now feel really stupid and guilty that it was my carelessness that might have done something. i was the person he was telling this stuff to and being only 12 or so at the time, i took no notice of any of it. i feel like i am somewhat responcible if he might have done something, but i still don't know if it's just me overthinking or what. it's been on my mind all night and i just feel terrible and guilty that i didn't do more, and that i won't ever know where he is or if he is okay now. i didn't plan on saying this out loud but i feel really guilty and stupid it's just been swirling in my head. if anyone has any suggestions on what i could do or maybe that you think he is okay. i dunno what i just feel i should be saying this rather then keeping it to myself. im still a teenager and if i've learnt anything it's not to box your troubles inside of yoursel. do you think he is okay. thanks in advance
  2. hey i just wanted to hopefully get an answer to a couple of questions on how to approach a situation. this story might be long, i used to be friends with alot of the "in" / "cool" people during year eight, a friend introduced me to the cool people and it was all very simple and i got along with everyone. in year nine, i've been getting to know the "outcasts" as well, these "outcasts" are the ones that the cool people tease and pick on. i couldn't pick on them, because i'm just not that kinda person. and so in year nine i've lost most of my good friends because i've been hanging with the bunch of people that "you wouldn't be caught dead with". i didn't realise it would get this big of a problem, but now i get girls giving rumours, people see me as that weird troubled kid, guys tease me and everything. since year eight, i've gone backwards - lost more friends then i've made. and i dunno what to do about this, i'm finding it hard to cope with pretty much everyone and everything about school. today i was also bullied by two guys who physically forced me up against a cement wall and pushed me around, calling me things and demanding my lunch money. i didn't give it to them, because i knew if i did, they would see me as a weak target to get their satisfaction from and i managed to get away. but in maths class that day i was humiliated with these same people shouting out things about me in front of the class. needless to say alot of people i could trust as friends decide that it's in their best interest not to talk to me or even pretend they know me. at the moment i'm kind of isolated out and everything. i've got hundreds of problems and not enough solutions. i'm kind of scared about going to school now, because i keep getting threatened to be bashed up. and i come to school having to hide or look over my shoulder, and i just don't get why people are picking on me based on nothing at all. [i think some labels i.e emo might have something to do with it, but i tell them i'm not, and that labels don't mean anything and it gets me no where]. so do i ignore or what? i've tried fighting back, i ended up with two people pushing me around, i tried ignoring, people saw that as a weak target, and i dunno what i do, if i ignore or what. and telling the teacher isn't an option. telling the teacher is pretty much beggint to be bashed up. i just need a way to get them to stop this, and let me go to school comfortable. not having to block my ears at every comment made my people.
  3. i know this must be my fourth topic about trying to figure this out but nothing is helping and stuff is just getting worse and i am alittle scared i will o something stupid. i feel kind of aolne. like i can't talk to anyone. my family and me don't get along. i can't talk to any of my friends. my best online friends won't talk to me and i think my cyber sis who helped me the most might be distancing herself from me because i am to reliant on her. i can't talk to anyone about any of my problems which sucks because the whole way i got out of my problems was by talking to my sis. but i am kind of in that phase where i wake up and i don't care what happens. i know i will go to school. i'll get labelled names. i'll feel alone. i'll try not to cry. i'll come home. listen to music for 4 hours, go to bed. and it sucks the most that back months ago i had something to look forward to, i could come home and talk to my sis or my online friends. but now i can't do any of that and i am kind of distanced from everyone and every thing. in fact i was kind of thinking suicide would be the only way i would get anyones attention. i am sick of only getting negative attentions like labels i was thinking you know if i died, i might be able to mean something to someone finally. cos i am just kind of sick of feeling unloved. and unwanted it hurts thinking i have a go no where life. i have no one to talk to, nothing to do. i am failing my classes, i am getting labelled nicknames, im getting bullied and i am gettnig no where in life. what can i do? i feel kind of sick in the bottom of my stomach like i got no where to go and no one to talk to and every single day i start to have even worse thoughts in my head. and they wont get out. its not doing me any good whining like this. just for months i haveh ad no one to talk to so its hard. im isolating myself, but then again people are isolating me and i dont want to end up in a big mess thank you if you have any help and sorry for my spelling mistakes. =\
  4. okay.. thank you for your help so far. i haven't cut yet. and i don't know how else you're supposed to get rid of the pain. because i've tried the ice. and the writing in red on you. and i tried to just scratch my skin with a pointed stick but that just left scratches and a hot red mark. that did nothing really. how else could you possibly get rid of emotional pain if i'm being advised to not use self harm? i take it there must be some way? besides writing and that. and i'd only talk to one person about this, my cyber-sis and i don't know how she would react if she heard this. so i'm just not mentioning it at all. basically i just want a way to get rid of some stuff i'm feeling. thanks.. p.s. how do i "sterilize" a stanley knife. not a regular knife. and don't worry. i just want to know out of curiosity, i won't do it until i know it's better then not doing it.
  5. i am a 14 year old. i have had sort-of girlfriends before. girls that i liked, that liked me, we talked to each other, held hands but nothing more. i once was with a girl i liked, that liked me back and she ended up betraying me to my best mate, and i have never had a girl since in 3 years. i chose not to, because i'm emotionally unstable i guess. or i hold on to people, if i fall for someone, it takes months or even years to get over. and i'm 14, i still cry about girls from year 7. this leaves me to believe that i will go through my entire teenage life without a girl because of this problem. i tell myself not to have a girl until next year, when i might be a little more mature. but not only is it an emotional attachment but a low self esteem and confidence thing. i also don't want to be a guy that has 3 girls a month like everyone else. i planned on a girl i could send flowers to, and hang out with, i could send her cards and spend the day at the beach. but it seems i won't and every single time i see a couple my age holding hands, it breaks me. thinking that i could have a girl, if i had confidence. if i was a little stronger with my feelings, if i was someone more. i have been asked out before, and i feel terrible for saying no. because some of the girls i truly would go out with. i just want to be ready, and i want a girl i could love and be loved by. a girl i could hold in my arms if she was feeling down, will this ever happen? am i doomed to be that little shy kid in the corner with no girl? because i don't want to be. and i know i can be something better, it's just hard. does anyone have some ideas on how to step up, and tell the girl straight up i like her, rather then hiding behind my own shadow. thank you.
  6. okay, i just wanted to ask a quick question on why i have such strong emotional attachments with some people. i'm not close to my parents, my family, or most people from school. but the friends i do have, and the people i know over the internet i have a real big emotional attachment on for some reason. like i cling on to them. if i don't get something so small as a bye i get upset. and i stay up til 4 am to be able to talk to people. in 48 hours, i've had about 2 hours sleep. i don't know why whenever i meet someone or someone takes me as a friend i cling on to them. when my good mate stopped talking to me for a little while, i actually cried... and it's the same with girlfriends. i am too nervous to commit to another person. i knew a girl 3 years ago, we both liked each other and all we did was hold hands. we never went on a date, it wasn't a proepr relationship yet now 3 years later i think about her, and i get no sleep over it. that's why i am too nervous to fall in love. because i know the outcome is i'm going to end up going through depression and unstable phases for up to 3 years after. so how come i am attached to people so much? i've been told the reason why i hold on to them is because i don't get along with anyone in my family, i'm pushed aside so i seek attention from other people around me because i can't find it from my family. or i don't feel a sense of belonging from them. is there a way to kind of stop the attachment to people? thank you.
  7. okay first of all i haven't cut. but i have wanted to for a while. just because i haven't been happy, and i was told it was a great way to release the pain. and at the moment if it releases the pain, it's doing something good for me. but i want to know how do you disguise your self injury, people at school impersonate the wrist slash with their hands cutting their wrists to me because they expect me to do it, under a highschool label that starts with "e" and i won't say the name. so because people impersonate it to me, alot of people check my wrists. so i know if i was to start, i need to be able to hide it. i have lost so many friends because of the label and if they found out i have been doing self injury, i'll lose the last couple of friends i have. p.s. i could use needles if others wouldn't recognise it as self injury. would that work? and so please, where can i cut that people will not see? is it true that it releases pain and is it worth it? thank you for your help. and don't say oh my god, don't cut, you're only 14, it's stupid you'll regret it unless you recommend that it's not worth it. because i am not going to just change my mind and keep the pain without trying something new to release it. sam.
  8. I was told love conquered all Years of tears made me someone better But I'm still small at heart If breaking the program is hardcore Well, kissing her is killing me If I'm as weak as the girl that I fell for Then I'm no man after all And if my balls don't fit the kid I am Then I guess I'm no man… I remember when these poems Gave a smile that spilled these words "I love you", oh "I need you" But masking the truth, "I hate you" Love's a lie, truth be told Love sells fifty cents, was I sold? You expect these pepper lips - To tell what you've wanted to hear Suck up to the sweetheart Until my heart stands to depart her I guess if I'm weak at heart Then let mascara run of eyes undone Love her; believe that I hold her With a modest smile She knows my eyes are oh-so paper-thin To wage a war against another I'm just not ready to love one other If wearing size "small" keeps me a kid Then crying for the heart of her Well, that makes me weak And I guess I'm not ready for love If kissing her is killing me And these balls just can't fit the man I am If size "small" is a perfect fit Well, I'm not the boy after all If I cry then I'm only trying to say Love is the reason why - I cry for the girl I fall for I guess truth be told, I'm no man ========================= based on how i spent 3 years in a mess over one girl. and how i'm still not ready to get into love again. i'll be ready to lend my life to someone else when i do though.
  9. well my friend and i were best friends. talked for hours at a time, just related and knew each other well. he used to be cool and talk and just hang out for hours and now he has a girlfriend and he's kind of pushed me away. now he'll talk for 2 minutes and then leave. is it normal for friends to just forget about each other when a girl comes in and will we be friends like we were or is that kind of the end of the friendship cos i really don't want it to be the end. he told me we'll always be friends but it seems he's kind of downgraded me to just another person to say hi to. even now when i talk to him, we talk about his girlfriend in the time we do. does he not want to be friends?
  10. She gave me her heart Through workbook paper I owe her my better half For ripping it apart I'm sorry, Lisa I drank this caffeine Of it like mother's milk I smashed her glass palm This kid, to her sleeve I didn't need open arms I promised the world She gave me her smile I lied, and she lied She tried, I cried Was ten years too early? I'm sure I cried, Marie Misunderstood a father Pray for reconfiguration And I ask, I say Daddy, a bandaid, Self injury or imagination? I wrote these words And I waited for return Young enough then And I'm young enough now To say sorry Lisa to Marie, And Elizabeth to Carrie Tears don't fall in vein Eyes to the ground This hair of no eyesight Can I hide the truth now? Of all this insecurity I'm feeling summers heat Oh, take a seat This table, a heart will spill Childhood memories Mother, you can hold my hand We'll build castles in the sand Marie, smile a smile For another day, Lisa Let us share our better halves Every wound I scored And every burn you caused Sorry if you'll be sorry I'll cry for your inspiration I'll cry in patience Say my name, I'm sorry A kiss to a cheek Spare me tears for a week? Say my name I'm sorry if you're sorry
  11. mum and dad and me never get on. i've got the middle kid syndrome so naturally my life sucks. i had not what you might call depression but i guess maybe a life of misery for a year or so. but i kind of sowly got out of that and it's only been for a month that i have been sloping back into it again. problem is in one month i've been thinking of worse things and been having worse problems then the entire year before. so how could i try and make it better? i've already been writing and listening to music, doing recreational stuff. but it's not working, is there a way to get to sleep easier?
  12. dunno where to begin. writing this at quarter past two in the morning. basically want to know why i am changing everything about me at the moment. i have started to isolate myself on purpose away from friends at lunch to listen to music or think about things. at school, i don't try on my tests. i gave up early on my mathematics one and rested and listened to music through the second half of my science one. i've been changing my sleeping pattern, usual i get to sleep at about ten pm on a weeknight, for over a week i haven't gotten to sleep once before midnight. i've been waking up from four in the morning to ten minutes before the bus comes. i don't normally cry but i've been crying every day for over a week and for some reason i shake and get nervous from thinking. i've been writing some stuff, drinking alot more coffee. i come home and i lie down and i think, cry, listen to music, write and just worry. and for some reason all the girls who i used to like are back in my mind and i dunno why. i get insecure in maths that someone was going to chuck something at me so i moved positions for that reason. and for this week i have been kind of wondering about self injury. i haven't done it, a thought of a knife is scary. but i was thinking about needles. and then i thought about suicide. i wouldn't want to do that, one year of depression a while back kept that on my mind and i don't even want to do suicide, i just want to know why it is one of the only things on my mind. just basically why is all of everything changing at the moment? and how can i go back to before? i want to go to sleep, i'm tired but i can't even if it's past two am. so what's happening? am i "unstable", someone said but i don't know what they mean.
  13. how do i say that. i'm limited to everything. the clothes i wear, the activities i do, the things i say. "you're not allowed to dye your hair, you'll look like a goth. you'll get picked on." "don't gel your hair like that, you can't even see out of your eyes at the moment." and so on. i want to just kind of do what i want. our bond between me and my family is weak. i shout at them, they treat me like garbage, they overrule what i do, i have to be rebellious to get what i want to get sometimes. i don't like it but it's not their life, I know my own consequences. how do i tell them to back off, to let me do what i want? that i can dye black hair, listen to music rather then talking, wear a studded belt cos i like it not cos they think i'll look stupid and will get picked on for it. i'm the middle kid. naturally, i get treated like garbage in comparison with my other brothers.
  14. Reasons To Breathe In accord with what I could barely see I swear I almost caught you Sweet sympathy, why feel blue I want forgiveness from you These matters won't keep me down And every mistake that I made All that pain that kept me awake The promises I've broke Friendships I choked, lies I spoke Everything I've done wrong All the moves that bought me to you I seek forgiveness from you A cause for why I had to lie In need of medicine, heal tears I cried Secrets band-aids can't hide All the years I've wasted Waiting words, apologies in return They were never received Sweet sympathy, chimes alone On my own, I seek backs to lean on And every time I doubted you The times I skipped a breath Times I used advice Your heart as a flotation device Keep me in defiance of grace I want reasons to face this place… All the promises I've broke Lies I lied, fights I fought Keep me with you Hold me near you I never meant the wounds I was never greedy in my words As much as I saw you I was always alone, on my own Teach me to breathe Reasons to face this place I want you in times of blue Don't let me down For everything that's happened All the mistakes I made I never meant you trouble... Dedicated to everyone that I never meant to hurt. I'm sorry. =[
  15. Kind of an embarressing post but it is all too true. And I am scared it may be interfering with my health. For starters, I normally go to sleep at about midnight and wake up to get ready for school at about 6'30 in the morning. I am not even getting seven hours of sleep normally, at 14 years old. I do not eat breakfast, I am never hungry in the morning. Instead I have two cups of coffee. I leave for school, at recess I do not have something healthy, normally either a chocolate or a cold coffee (ice coffee). At lunch I normally have a regular lunch, salad or a wrap but with that I normally have another coffee. I barely ever drink water during school. When I get home I wait until 4'30 to go up the street... And buy 2 cans of diet coke. I know, it is an appauling diet. But I believe I have unhealthy caffeine problems. Normally later that night I'll have another coffee. Perhaps partly the reason why I do not get enough sleep. This has really been nothing on my mind until lately. I have noticed I've been getting headaches, not enough sleep, drinking more and more coffee, falling behind in class, appearing cranky and sad. I don't smile much either. I've always got something sad keeping me down, I feel low for no reason and I drink caffeine during those periods of low self esteem. Although I think lo self esteem is also caused from the low self esteem depressing music I listen to? Is it? Is this going to endanger my life? 3+ Cups of coffee and diet coke a day? Is it the reason why I am always low, sad, on-the-edge and down? I don't try and drink so much caffeine. It is a habit I have been in for a long time now. Only now is it actually showing it's effects and I am scared I will die... It is completely reconfiguring my day-to-day way of life and it's scary. It's the equivelent of an adult on smokes. My parents both are addicts of alcohol and smokes, so falling into the habit of caffeine at 14 isn't something I want. Caffeine is more of a relief to the fact that I feel down so much. How can I get rid of the problems? P.S. I don't see the problems physically. I am in great shape although I do not do excercise much, I am a little under the average weight of my other friends, which was tested during a school fitness program where we had our weight measured. I just don't want to die from it, at 14.
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