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ratherbesailing

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Everything posted by ratherbesailing

  1. ratherbesailing
    Hopeful - It was long ago and I was still pretty upset at the time but I opened it and dropped it right into the trash. I don't think I even bothered to say thanks, it just seemed so weird after all she had put me through back then. They were espresso beans in dark chocolate. I wish I had one right now. The answer depends where you are at right now and how what you do will affect you. Let's not be too concerned about her feelings until all is healed from the breakup. The only thing you shouldn't do is go reading something into the gift and getting your hopes up. I assume you guys split for a reason and that reason isn't changed by a birthday present.
  2. ratherbesailing
    Find a public speaking course at a local school.
  3. ratherbesailing
    coollady - Ilse's right. If you can handle bookkeeping and can log onto enotalone and type a little, then you aren't as far off track as you may think. Do you know anyone else with a computer that might be able to teach you enough to get by in an interview? Like she says just putting a few of your old figures into an Excel spreadsheet is easy and with your experience you are already an expert, you just don't know it. The programs might sound scarry but it is all little more than typing figures into a box rather than hand writting them and once you set up a calculation (you already know the basics of this) you don't have to check everything three times on the adding machine. I promise that someone within a few miles of you could really use a bookkeeper. You may have to take on two or three of them to make a full time position but even if you can find a part time one you can do it to learn and go from there. I think that with a few hours practice, you will be able to walk into an interview and tell they you aren't an expert but that you have used some programs like Excel and Word and you'll get the job. Good luck and I'm sorry that you lost your husband. I hope some rich guy sweeps you off your feet.
  4. ratherbesailing
    Pete - I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do smile when I see my ex and realize that there would be no way that I'd ever even think of dating her if I just met her for the first time.
  5. ratherbesailing
    Congratulations on getting the date. Don't worry, just keep being yourself. You want to find someone who cares for you the way you are anyhow. If something little you do like that sends someone running then she's not someone you'd want to be with. You are a great guy, believe it, have confidence in yourself and don't worry about much other than that and she'll love you for it.
  6. ratherbesailing
    My experience tells me that gut feelings are usually right and that even though there isn't a specific act that you have for proof, that somehow you've picked up on some emotional clues from your past experiences. Then again, you could be wrong. Either way it is over with her and that's hard and it takes time to recover. It is natural to try and figure out what went wrong but try not to focus too much on whether she was physical with someone else. I think by the time someone decides to break up with someone they've probably gone over it and over it in their head until the reasons they give you may have nothing to do with the actual problem. Why do you think you broke up? Those are the things worth examining. Trust your insight, not hers, unless she's got a specific criticism that you think is worth addressing in yourself. Why don't they fess up? Cheating is selfish and dishonest. Selfish and dishonest people don't like to be held accountable for their actions. They are committed to the lie and short of a photograph of the act, they are going to stick to the lie. If they were honest, they never would have cheated to begin with. It is hard to trust after being hurt but it is worth trying.
  7. ratherbesailing
    Jasmine - I think I have the same problem and after reading your post I realize that is how my mom treated me when I was a kid. I try to catch those little comments before they pop out but it is hard to do so when they tend to pop into your head so quickly without any thought. I'm never really sure how much of a problem I have because even though my girl friend tells me that I correct her too often, she seems to correct me on a regular basis but I don't tend to think twice about it when she does it to me. Some constructive criticism is good, right? Those dishes should be rinsed! Somehow we've got to slow down what comes into the mind before it goes out the mouth and make a more intelligent decision about whether it is important enough to actually speak the words. I'm going to work on that, slowing it down so I recognize it before it comes out.
  8. ratherbesailing
    nikkers - I agree, life's not a bowl of cherries, but you will be surprised how much you are capable of handling. Time for some new friends and a change of scenery.
  9. ratherbesailing
    How long have you two been going out and how old is she? It sounds more like she's a little freaked out about moving in together and isn't ready for it. She does tell her friend how wonderful you are but maybe she's just afraid to make the big plunge and move in. Who's idea was it? Haven't you ever told another guy that some girl besides your girlfriend looks hot? Do you honestly never have any doubts? Aren't you glad our girlfriends can't read our thoughts! Depending on some of your answers maybe it is just too soon and you guys are too young to be moving in together. If you want to keep her, I'd say tell her you don't want to live together until she's sure how she feels and play a little hard to get. Make her work for it and she may just loose some of her doubts. I think we all have doubts at times and we are lucky that we don't usually have to read about our partner's doubts. Good luck, I wouldn't give up on her unless you want to.
  10. ratherbesailing
    Capolla - My girlfriend had to file bankrupcy a few years back before we dated and she was embarrased to tell me but I think she wanted to let me know. I really haven't thought twice about it since she told me. I might be a little hesitant to tie the knot legally until it clears from her credit report but we are taking the long slow route anyhow. As far as your concerns about moving in together, why not just write down your financial expectations on a piece of paper before hand. Let him know that you don't think he's anything like your ex but that you want to budget your money and make sure there aren't any misunderstandings. Be a little flexible and ask him what his expectations are. It should work out fine. Try not to worry.
  11. ratherbesailing
    NP - I don't think it is hopeless but it doesn't sound like there is a lot that you can do to control how this works out. I think you are doing the right thing by taking the break. I'd play a little hard to get at this point and let her know that unless she's sure that she wants the relationship to continue that you aren't interested in keeping things going. Let her know that you want and deserve someone who does love you. Give her the space to make up her own mind and don't play easy, make her work a bit if she wants you back. People are funny, they often what things more because they are worried they can't have them. My guess is that's she's either confused (not ready for the serious relationship) or that she is interested in someone else and just doesn't know how to tell you that. Either way, if you back off, she's going to find out how she feels pretty quickly. If she feels like you'll hang there forever waiting, she may waffle forever and keep you hanging. I think you hit the nail on the head though when you say you guys jumped in too quick. If she was just getting out of a three year relationship, she should have taken some down time before getting serious with you. I think this has more to do with what's going on than the fact that you guys were friends first. Good luck but don't get your hopes up. If she doesn't have the feeling you can't do anything about it.
  12. ratherbesailing
    Any survey you read says clearly that the majority of women don't have orgasms during intercourse. It doesn't mean that you might not ever be able to but your are in the majority at this point.
  13. ratherbesailing
    Billy - We all have our own set of criteria for what's acceptable and what isn't. She crossed the line you set and it hurts. Did she tell you right away, does she feel badly? Is there any sign that she's as shook up by what happened as you are? My experience is that when you have suspicious feelings, it is usually for good reason and there is more than one signal leading you to feel that way. Are you okay with her only popping in every couple of weeks? If you two weren't together, say you broke up a few weeks ago, would you be trying to win her back or would you be off looking for someone closer who hadn't hurt you? I don't know enough to advise you what to do but it sounds like a good time to figure out whether this girl is really the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. If she is, then you've got to tell her how you feel and let her know what behavior you find unacceptable. If she's got a much different idea about what's okay then you are in trouble.
  14. ratherbesailing
    wkim - You're in a tough spot. You've got a wife that doesn't want a conventional marriage and hasn't for some time. Top that off with the fact that she hasn't been honest and she seems less than concerned about your feelings, hence no guilty feelings. She may come accross as confident but I'd say she's probably the one with the serious self esteem issues. I'll tell you one thing, divorce is horrible, especially with kids involved. Don't give up until you feel you've exhaused every effort to work out these issues or you will regret it later. Only when you are at that point will you be able to give up without feeling guilty yourself, especially with your child around. You need counseling for yourself even if she won't go at this point. Somehow you need to get control of this situation so that your wife realizes that she's racing down the path of ending the marriage. She really needs counseling but you need to at least find out why she is willing to jeopardize the marriage when she had decided before that she wanted to stay. Tell her that you can't accept cheating and lying and ask her what has changed since the last time she decided to stay. Is she really ready to give it all up without a fight? Will she ever be happy in a conventional marriage, honoring the vows that were made? My wife was unfaithful, but the point that I gave up was when I realized she had no commitment what so ever to the marriage and that her only concern was for her own wants and desires, not my feelings or the kids. I know there was nothing I could have done, she just didn't want to be in a conventional marriage. Good luck and don't kick yourself for past mistakes. It wouldn't hurt to talk to a lawyer so you know what divorce is really all about on paper even if you don't end up going down that road.
  15. ratherbesailing
    Sweetgurl - All you can really do is tell him you are sorry and that you understand that he is angry and ask for his forgiveness. Let him know that you didn't mean to make him feel like you had betrayed his confidence. Let him know that you wish things could go back to the way they were but that you will respect his feelings and give him as much space as possible being in the same house. Then as hard as it is, pretend to be happy and don't show too much interest in him. Let him see you at your best, strong and happy and moving on. It doesn't make any sense but he's going to be much more interested in you if you seem indifferent than if you are sobbing and begging for him to come back. I assume that the friends that you talk to are also in the same house and are also somewhat his friends. If so, he is probably a private person and is embarrassed and does feel like you betrayed him in a way. Breaking up with someone also hurts them and they feel rejected. Feeling rejected makes you angry and his revenge is to make you feel hurt and rejected. Us guys are an immature lot and he is probably trying to get even with you for hurting him. He'll cool down and he may forgive you but he won't be as trusting anymore. I don't mean to make this all seem your fault. I'm sure he had his doubts and issues before any of this came up just like you did. Relationships are always easy. Time will tell how this works out but you need to appear sorry for hurting him but strong and happy, not weak and miserable. Good luck.
  16. ratherbesailing
    Watchamacallit - You've got to be honest with your ex and let him know that you don't love him. If you aren't honest with him you are just being selfish and you will only be hurting him more. Can you realize he deserves someone who really does love him? It seems to me that when people jump from one relationship directly into another people always end up getting hurt. I'd suggest you take some time to yourself without seeing either of them. Until you are okay being alone, I think you are going to feel stuck no matter which guy you are with. Maybe during that time you might find that you really do have feelings for the ex or maybe you will end up going in another direction. It will also give your mom some time to adjust. She is wrong to treat you this way but what can you do? Good luck.
  17. ratherbesailing
    sassafras - It is hard enough breaking up with someone without having to worry about how they are going to get by but you've already done more than your fair share. I'm sorry you have to go through this. You should be able to get him a one way ticket for $300 or $400. That's got to be less than feeding him for a few more weeks. It isn't that you owe him but you'll be at peace sooner and it will probably cost you less in the end. Depending on how the accounts are written up you may be able to either have him removed without his signature or you may be able to close the accounts and open new ones. If the checking account started as yours, it should be easy for you to remove him without his signature. The cable will probably be even easier if he hasn't been the one actually paying it and you tell them that he's moved out. A phone call should be able to tell you exactly what needs to be done. I have to image they've dealt with these issues plenty of times. Good luck, the quicker you handle this the better for both of you at this point.
  18. ratherbesailing
    Dako - When I suggested that you look at the online personals I should have posted a warning about actually reading the part about what they want in a partner. I to, wonder where they expect to find this perfect guy and whether they can all possibly be as optimistic and happy as they claim to be. I don't know anyone in real life like the guy they are looking for. You are the normal one. I'd say don't wait, respond and chat with some of these women for fun and see if they don't find you interesting. If it comes to meeting, just meet for coffee. Baby steps!
  19. ratherbesailing
    wbrisett - Stop talking to your ex and let your wife know that you love her and that you aren't about to go running off on a whim. Just because you loved someone 22 years ago doesn't mean that you two belong together today. Everything seemed better when we were younger and there is nothing like that young love. I understand and miss it to, but it wasn't real. I married my first love and she ended up breaking my heart. I know I'll never love anyone the way I did her back then because it was all so pumped up and inflated in my young mind. It has nothing to do with the women, it is the way I think that has changed. I realize now that there wasn't anything special about her at all even though she's the one I was so deeply in love with. You two didn't have to deal with all the stresses of an adult marriage and raising kids. You have no idea what she would be like as part of an adult relationship. You've got this ideal picture in your mind that no one could ever live up to. I'm sure you guys would have a great reunion for a while but after a couple of years you'd be her third or fourth ex-husband and you'd be wondering why you ever left that wife and child when you had a good thing with them. I wouldn't give too much thought to her confusion. Going into her third marriage, she's got plenty to be confused about. Wish her good luck and say goodbye. Forget about it!
  20. ratherbesailing
    DCFC - You guys have been apart for so long that it is almost like starting over. Why not look at it like you are already broken up and figure out if you want to start dating this girl all over again. Like Kellbell said, put some thought into what you really want in a long term partner and see how she matches up given all you know about her at this time. If it doesn't make sense then it is going to be pretty hard to get your heart to come around and really love her again. If it does make sense, then start over just like it was day one and put everything into it. I think over time our love does have its ups and downs, but it can always be coaxed back if you want to. We all change a lot in college and sometimes our goals change. Figure out if you really want her the way she is today, with the goals that she has. If you met her at a Christmas party today would you be dying to get her number or would you run the other way? I know it is confusing, I'm kind of evaluating my relationship and the heart and logic fighting each other gives me fits.
  21. ratherbesailing
    nowaysis - I feel your pain having been there myself. I'll never get over the fact that someone I loved and who loved me could lie like that, it kind of shakes your whole foundation. I wanted her back in the worst way but that feeling passes pretty quickly, thank goodness. Hang in there. You will have good days and bad for a while but you'll find the strength to get through it. By the way, it was Nietschie that said "That which does not kill us makes us stronger".
  22. ratherbesailing
    warped mind - There are alot of people that fall into the trap you are in. It is a trap and it isn't healthy. There is someone else out there for you that will treat you well and you should get away from this guy right now.
  23. ratherbesailing
    Flowergirl - My experience is that when someone knows they are wrong and don't want to be held accountable they try to turn the tables and blame everything on the person they hurt. When a decent person hurts someone, they feel bad and appologize and try to make things right. Your guy got mean and lied. I think you did the right thing getting some space between you. I don't think you should be okay with him sharing the pics and I don't think you should be okay with him lying about it and I don't think you should be okay with the way he spoke to you after he was caught. That's three strikes in one night, pretty serious stuff. I don't see how he's going to come up with a reasonable explaination since you already know that he's been sending pics of his own to her. I really can't offer any encouraging words for you to accept this behavior. I know what my girlfriend would do to me if I ever treated her that way. She'd kick me to the curb without a thought.
  24. ratherbesailing
    lostinmythoughts - It sounds like your mom just wants to help make you feel better and it sounds like Christmas has given her an excuse to do that with a present. I don't know the other reasons that you hold resentment for her but you yourself have said that Christmas is about giving and that's what she wants to do. Why be critical of that? I didn't always see eye to eye with my mom but when I went through my divorce she was terrific. Let her have the chance to help you in anyway she's capable, even if it isn't in the form that you'd prefer. Going through divorce is tough and you need all of your family. Try not to let something as simple as a gift alienate you from her.
  25. ratherbesailing
    haventfoundahome - It sounds like your bf is about to become partners with someone that isn't trustworthy to begin with. Can't he see that he'll be in a position to lose from the same jerk as well? I've never been to small claims court but you may want to find out if this is an option for you and contact the Better Business people as well. Could the 10 of you that didn't get paid get a permit from the town to demonstrate outside this guy's place of business? I'd contact the local papers as well and see if you can't get some other pressure on this guy since your boyfriend can't or won't help.
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