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ratherbesailing

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Everything posted by ratherbesailing

  1. ratherbesailing
    Sugarmomma - We're guys, we all admire the women in the Victoria's Secret catalog. That doesn't mean we don't love and adore our girlfriends who aren't models. If he didn't admire them then you might have something to worry about.
  2. ratherbesailing
    I'd have to guess that in his drunken state, he created the idea in his head that you were there to torment him and that you have no right hanging with "his friend". When my wife left she would get ripped at me that the people she considered to be "her friends" rather than "our friends" wanted to do things with me after she left. She'd say stuff like "we only knew them because of me" and telling me "people only do things with you because they feel sorry for you". She'd get mad if I said hello to someone at the grocery store, even if I've known them for years. I think she thought I'd just fade away after she left and she hated it when I didn't. It is a creation in their minds, you can't figure it out because it doesn't make any logical sense. I wouldn't waste your time trying figure him out, you'll have more fun trying to figure out the new guy you met a Fur Fest. It sounds like your ex just lost himself a friend. I've found that most friends end up going to one ex or the other, very few can handle trying to stay close to both.
  3. ratherbesailing
    Irishgurl - I'm so sorry. When my wife finally admitted being unfaithful, I didn't sleep one wink for a week straight and I had to force myself to eat a little at meal times just so I could keep moving for the kids. I felt like my world had ended. It all feels so raw in the beginning but you just need to keep breathing. Right now you are at the bottom but you will soon be on a roller coaster ride where you feel better somedays and sink back on others but gradually the lows won't be as low and you will work your way back to being a whole person and you will be a stronger and better person for having gone through it. There is a person inside you that doesn't depend on him and it is going to surprise you how strong you are without him. For the low right now just cry, talk to friends, talk to family, read, find a counselor, walk a lot and realize you are not alone. You are going to be okay. There are a couple of books that helped me: Letting Go by Tracy Cabot Crazy Time by Abigail Trafford
  4. ratherbesailing
    I'd love it if you'd change your on-line name from I messed up to I'm doing better or something more positive. It sounds like you may have slipped a little when you were living under very difficult circumstances but we all do and you have it under control now so don't be too hard on yourself. What your ex is pulling wrong and always backfires but it may take some time. Even if you choose not to fight for custody you still need to see an attorney to find out what you can do to stop him from turning your daughter against you. The courts are only concerned with the best interests of the child and what he's doing is not in her best interest and the court is going to want to hear about it. I agree that your daughter may really be asking for help and someone's idea of asking your daughter how she would like you to help her is excellent as is constantly reminding her that your are there for her and you care about her. It is natural for a 12 year old to be angry about her parent's divorcing. My kids were about that age when I ended up divorced and even though it was clear that it was mom's feelings that had changed, they were just as mad at me for letting it happen. It is also natural that she'd be upset that you have a boyfriend. At that age, my son told me that he never wanted me to date ever again. Depending about how you feel about your boyfriend, you may need to keep him invisible. Your daughter might be much more accepting if you lived alone. Hang in there, your daughter will come around in due time.
  5. ratherbesailing
    Carolyn - We are guys and we are terrible mind readers and we aren't always great planners. You need to be specific with us. Just let him know you aren't happy where you are at and you like his area better and then ask if he'd be okay with you moving in full time for a while. Tell him what you told us, you don't want to give up all your freedom or take away his but you'd like to snuggle in after a night out. Let him know you'd like to help with expenses, he'll like that idea. A simple yes or no question with no hidden agenda, we like those. You sound aware enough of his feelings to bring up the idea without any applied pressure. He might say no but, at 30, he just might be thinking he'd like to have you around more to. Could you rent out your apartment so he knows you have a backup if it doesn't work out? It will work out, but he might need the illusion of having a fall back position.
  6. ratherbesailing
    Bigbelly - Give yourself a break and forget about breaking up for a while. Take the pressure off and go back to counseling and tell them you want to work on your self esteem and confidence, not your relationship. If you named yourself bigbelly because you are fat then work on loosing some weight and getting healthy. Once you start to feel better about yourself you might actually feel better about your girl and if you don't then you'll still have the confidence to say the right things and keep her as a friend. Be as nice as you can to her in the meantime and you'll feel better about yourself in the longrun. There are other women out there waiting for you. You are the only one who doesn't believe that. Please rule out killing yourself as an option. I'm sure she'd rather have you end the relationship just about any other way than that. If you feel like you have to break up right now or you'll just die, then just go home and start crying. She'll start asking questions and you can let the words come out piecemeal between the sobs. I don't think you'll need to fake the tears, it sounds like you've got them built up inside and it would be good to get them out. You won't need a speach or a plan, just let it happen as she asks what is wrong. You will need to go no contact for a while but try to keep things friendly.
  7. ratherbesailing
    If you don't think he'll go along with the idea of counseling, it might be a good idea for you to go alone for a few visits to someone who focuses on couples counseling and then ask him to go with you. That way he won't feel like you are accusing him of having all the problems. I wish he was more concerned with your needs and more excited about the baby but it sounds like you are going to have to ease him into the idea of working on the marriage in a non-threatening way. He definitely has some issues in his head and he doesn't seem to be giving you any real clues as to what they are. Could he be depressed? I hope things turn around and you have a long and happy marriage. Guys are a lot less mature and at 22 he's got some growing up to do. When he does you just might have a keeper. Don't give up yet.
  8. ratherbesailing
    Poppies - At 41 this isn't your last chance, it never is at any age. You've got me wondering if I ever really ask my girlfriend about her past. I guess I do a little but I think she mostly shares things from her past without prompting, good things and bad. Like someone else said we don't really bond that way and at times we don't really even need to talk at all. When I go fishing with other guys there are long streaches of silence that would drive any woman nuts but we're having a great time. If you feel the intimacy, then don't worry about what he asks about, just share what you think he'd like to hear about your past. I'd only worry if he straight out tells you that he doesn't want to hear anything about your past and if he doesn't want to answer any questions you have about his past(it might be okay if he doesn't answer a few). Judge whether he is selfish by his actions, not his words. If his actions show that he wants to take care of you and protect you and that he respects you, don't worry about the rest.
  9. ratherbesailing
    Charlotte - Try not to make it a big issue, pressure will only make the problem bigger. Just let him know that you are willing if he wants to try it and to let you know when he's ready. I've got to imagine he'll come around soon. It could be a jealousy thing since you've had other partners.
  10. ratherbesailing
    Gess - I don't know that'd I'd give up and yes, I think everyone eventually has doubts in any relationship. It is what you do about those doubts that determine how long the relationship lasts. I'd give him a call and let him know that you acknowledge his feelings but that you are really uncomfortable with the way things went on the phone. Let him know that you'd like to come to see him to talk even if it doesn't mean getting back together.
  11. ratherbesailing
    Fades - I was in love with two girls in high school. The second snuck in before I acted on the first. I hate to admit it but, even to this day, I still love the first one but we've never gotten together because we were never uncommitted at the same time. As much as I care for her, it hasn't stopped me from loving others. So yes, I think he can love you both. He will get over his ex, even if he continues to care for her, he just needs some time to heal. You can help him heal but there is that rebound relationship risk and you would be taking a chance of getting hurt. Depending on how you feel about him you can either take that risk or give him more time to heal. Since he's openned up the topic of how he feels about his ex you might have to set limits of how much you want to listen to him talk about her and that relationship.
  12. ratherbesailing
    John - I would think that even being friends with a young female student would be dangerous to your career and reputation. If nothing else her friends are going to notice and talk. Please weigh the risk and decide if you really want to chance your career. I doubt there is a guy out there that is going to be critical of you for having feelings for her but do realize how much you've changed and grown from when you were 17 and how much she will do the same. Would a relationship with someone 10 years older really be in her best interest even when she is 18 or 19? I'd put your friendship with her on hold till she graduates, then you can keep some contact but I'd wait till she's at least 20 before considering dating her. She's a teenager, let her experience the things a 17 year old should experience before she makes the jump to the adult world that you live in. I know what I'm suggesting isn't easy, but it is in her best interest.
  13. ratherbesailing
    First, I'm sorry about the way you've been hurt. I doubt she's told her family anything and that could make things pretty weird and uncomfortable if you go. You may have that "I'm not going to see you again" sadness and they may have no idea. Unless you have some way to check first to see what they know, I'd put it off and catch up with them sometime in the future after the dust settles with your ex. If you find out that they do know, then go if you really want to but be careful not to say anything bad about your ex, even if they start to. The sisters will repeat everything you say to your ex even if they think you are great. Please trust me, they will.
  14. ratherbesailing
    Someguy - How'd you make out? It might be too late for feedback but I think you should try to sort through it with her and not go right to the breakup letter. If she just plain flips and can't accept how you feel then you will know that the breakup is called for. If she comes around then you just may have a keeper. Give her some time to pout after you talk to her. When you talk to her make sure you allow her to tell you why she's in such a hurry. Sometimes you have to let her express her concerns and then calmly let her know you understand and care about her feelings but make it clear you can't give her everything she wants on the time schedule she wants. Good luck
  15. ratherbesailing
    freeindeed - It is natural to want to confront the two of them, they've caused you so much pain, but from my own personal experience, it doesn't help after you've done it. You aren't going to get the signs of remorse from them that you need for closure. You will just feel worse and more frustrated. You are going to need to look elsewhere for the feeling of closure. Talk to your mom, talk to your friends, see a counselor for a few visits, talk to a clergy member. Read some books on breakups. That's who will help you get closure. It feels awful right now but you will realize that he wasn't all you made him out to be and that your are actually better off now than you were before you found out what was going on. Five years from now you'll be married to a terrific guy who isn't selfish like your boyfriend was, maybe with kids? This setback is temporary, it make take a little time but you will bounce back. Just watch the news today and you will see and hear about thousands of people who are in much worse situations. When I was wallowing in bad feelings I'd look up at the stars at night and realize just how insignificant my problems were at the time. It feels like the end of the world to you but it's just a little bump in the road and you'll be all the stronger and better a person from having experienced it. The best revenge is always going to be showing them how great you are doing without him. Just pretend you're glad that he's gone, that will hurt him worse than anything.
  16. ratherbesailing
    It sounds like you should stay NC and block all his screen names. Like Danylion said, be polite if he does contact you but be clear that you wish him well but you aren't interested in hearing from him anymore. Maybe make that your autoresponce to his IMs. If he goes on at you just tell him you have to run and end the call. He sounds pretty controlling but if you are consistant, he'll give up soon. If you shoot back at him or waiver in any way he'll want to continue the banter. After him, give yourself a little time before your next relationship. It will all work itself out.
  17. ratherbesailing
    These two share the same values, the most important part of a relationship. I don't agree with how they acted but you've got to admit, they have so much in common that they make a perfect couple.
  18. ratherbesailing
    freeindeed - my exwife was always nastiest when she knew she was wrong about something and I'd take the blame. When she backed out of mediation during the divorce the attorney could help himself, he said to me "boy, she really wants to blame you for what she's done". They get mean and selfish when they know the gigs up. No fault cheating, just like the car insurance. People without integrity can justify anything in their own heads. Anger is great for helping us get over betrayal and I guess I'd have to thank her for acting like such a jerk when she cheated, it helped me realize that I was better off without her and that she wasn't half the woman I had made her out to be in my head. Like your ex, I have some cards from her praising me for being such a great husband while she was carrying on with her afair. Who knows, maybe they mean what they say, maybe it is guilt or a coverup. The best thing is you see him for what he is and the rest isn't worth spending any time trying to analyze. It doesn't make sense because there is no sense to it. It wasn't inevitable that he ended up with her because he lived near her. You deserve and are going to find a guy that won't cheat no matter what the situation is.
  19. ratherbesailing
    I think you two will make a great couple. You are both cruel, self centered and have no integrity.
  20. ratherbesailing
    Write down your number on a piece of paper and hand it to her the next time you see her. Tell her you'd love to meet her for a cup of coffee to talk about last semester's classes. See if that doesn't prompt her to give you her's.
  21. ratherbesailing
    ApC - Try talking to girls you have no interest in at all just to be friendly so you aren't under pressure. Practice at the mall or school. Practice on complete strangers. Girls pretty much have the same interests so once you get in the swing, it will make it that much easier to talk to someone you are interested in. You'll work out the kinks.
  22. ratherbesailing
    It is okay and natural to be attracted to others but know where to draw the line with the flirting. Your trainer has crossed that line by telling you he thinks of you all the time. Would you even want to end up with someone who would be telling other women something like that when he's in a relationship? Make a decision about your current relationship without the distraction of the personal trainer. Change gyms or try not to go when he's there. If you make the change to jump from one guy to another you will be hurting people including yourself.
  23. ratherbesailing
    If your husband was cheating and your sister knew would you want her to tell you? I would. She could take it out on you but you probably know in your heart whether she is that kind of person so you can be ready.
  24. ratherbesailing
    Sorry, but it is normal male behavior, both to induldge and to be embarrased being caught. Just ask him nicely not to yell at you next time. He probably thought you had your daughter with you when you walked in which really made him panic.
  25. ratherbesailing
    madalyah - I'm very sorry you've been hurt. When my wife admitted she was cheating on me I begged her to stay to try and work things out but I could soon tell that as she considered staying she was really evaluating everything in her own self interest and there just wasn't any commitment to the marriage or the family or to me. At that point I let it go. It is about 8 years later now and I don't care that she cheated or that she's gone but my lasting heartbreak and resentment is the effect this has had on the kids and the effect it has had on me for not being able to be with the kids 100% of the time. My point is, please don't rush to have a baby with this guy. If you try to work things out it is going to take years to trust again and you need to wait to have kids until that point. Divorce is bad enough, but divorce with kids can be a disaster. Good luck.
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