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ratherbesailing

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Everything posted by ratherbesailing

  1. ratherbesailing
    TooBroken - Just send him a note telling him you are sorry for the way you acted that night. That's it, one sentence, no excuses, no details, no confession of love. Then give yourself a break. You were in a tough situation and you popped, we all do at some point. Sure, you should have just let go when he said he wasn't interested but, he really shouldn't have slept with you knowing that you wanted a relationship and he didn't, especially since you are in the same group of friends. I doubt your friends think much about what happened three months ago but if you want to acknowledge to them that you feel bad for the way you acted and that you are embarrased, I'll bet they will sympathize with you.
  2. ratherbesailing
    mrsmarvl - It is going to be hard to let go, especially since you have been so involved, but you need to do it. If your granddaughter is going to be living with your daughter and her boyfriend then you are going to be the one who has to watch out criticizing their parenting skills unless your granddaughter is ever in actual danger. You are going to find that your daughter and her boyfriend will be exerting their will more and more. This is a good thing! Your daughter needs to learn to live independent of you. Just take a deep breath and be silent when issues like sleeping in your bed come up. The more calm and accepting that you are of them and the move, the closer you will be with them after they move. Try to make sure your other children learn from this experience and that they go on to college and graduate and get married before having children. Your daughter wasn't ready for the responsibility and that is why things have been so difficult. Just focus on avoiding a repeat performance and support your daughter on her bid for independence.
  3. ratherbesailing
    charlotte - You are very brave and you are a great sister for your brothers. I wish you could have a more stable household to grow up in. Please remember all you learn going through this and grow up to be a good mother for your own children someday. No one wants your mother to do drugs and no one wants you to have an abusive father, we just don't think this is a decision that someone your age should have to make. If there is truly no relative you can turn to and if you don't have a minister or priest that might help then I really think you should talk to your friend's mother at the house you are at all the time. Even if the best thing to do is to call CSF, let her help you, but tell your friend's mom everything first and either let her call CSF or make the call with her there. I really want you to talk to your friend's mom.
  4. ratherbesailing
    Seamus - It sounds like you have a good bead on what your father is like and he's not going to change at his age although he may grow more honest when he gets old. He is what he is. I don't think you have to make some big announcement that you are disowning him. Don't contact him if you don't want to and if he calls just tell him you are busy and can't talk. The rest of the time just try your best to ignore him. That way no doors are closed and your mom doesn't need to be torn up about it. If you want to see him or need him for some disaster in the future the door will still be open. So just make it a secret unofficial write off of your father and only contact him if you want to. Do remember that your sister isn't responsible for any of this and she maybe cool to get to know someday when you are ready. When she gets a little older she may get curious about meeting you, so stay open for that. It could be just you and she, it doesn't need to be a three way relationship with your dad as the focus. I hope your brother eventually cleans up his act and you are able to keep some contact, but it sounds like right now you are wise to keep your distance. Everyone's family has skeletons. Don't for a second think you are the only one. You sound like you have a good understanding of your family's problems and I'm sure you'll do fine in your relationships.
  5. ratherbesailing
    Confused - I was in your shoes and remember those feelings. It was mostly jealousy, I just hated picturing her with her ex's when I had no experience. I don't have a magical answer, just try not to focus on those feelings. Each time they creep in just think of something you really like about her, she's all yours and these are only thoughts in your head. If poetry is your thing then stick with it. Burn her a CD of songs that remind you of her. Give her a photo album with some pictures of the two of you with space for pictures you can add in the future. Most important just be yourself.
  6. ratherbesailing
    tangledlife - I think you'd be getting much different signals if he was really interested in a serious relationship. It sounds like you have just been a convienent casual relationship for him. Ask him how he feels if you really want to but I'd focus your attention elsewhere.
  7. ratherbesailing
    Lissy - Don't even think of going back. If he calls don't get into a discussion, just tell him that you need your space and would rather he didn't contact you. Don't aggrivate him, even if he tries to get you going.
  8. ratherbesailing
    AC - So many of us have gone through so much pain and we feel for you. You will heal over time and you will be a better person and smarter in relationships. This may not mean much to you now, but you weren't married and you didn't have kids, if it was going to end eventually, I'm glad you got out now.
  9. ratherbesailing
    navydave - Let's start simple. This weekend have a family meeting and announce that you need help, you just can't do it all. Have your own list ready, but start a fresh list of all the household chores with everyone there and then split up the tasks. Your wife's list might be short, but if she's able to pickup the dishes, then she gets that one and does it regularly. Post the thing on the fridge. Unless your kids are too young to walk, they should be helping as well. I think she'll have a hard time arguing over the chores once they are on a list. She maybe lashing out at you because she's frustrated at her limitations, but once she see's how long the list really is, and she's signed up for her share, she's got to back off a bit and she'll probably end up feeling more useful herself. Don't forget to put your two jobs and studying on the list, those are all family related activities. Different people have different ideas but I think if you are really going to have a marriage, you've got to get back in that bed. I've heard of different cures for snoring, ask you doctor or check on line. You can't let her push you around constantly, if you do she really won't respect you. If the problems don't get better then drag her to some counseling so you can get the issues out in the open.
  10. ratherbesailing
    Cheating is about the most selfish act a person can make. On a scale that runs from good to neutral to bad, can anyone really argue that cheating is a good or neutral act? Doesn't it at least need to be considered on the bad side of neutral?
  11. ratherbesailing
    Amore - Love is hard at 16. You've got to remember that most guys aren't as mature as the girls at your age. He doesn't sound as serious as you are about the relationship and it almost sounds like he's trying to break things off gently. You've just got to let him know that it really isn't what you want and ask him if that is really what he wants to do. Don't let him string you on, he's got to decide. If he wants to split then you can try to limit your contact with him. He may or may not come around after that, but try not to be too hopeful. If you would want him to have the scrapbook even if you broke up then go ahead and give it to him. If not, then hold off until you know what's going to happen. If you do split up then try to stay friends. He may need some time alone but you never know what the future brings.
  12. ratherbesailing
    Stewart - I'm with you, I hate hearing anything about my girlfriend's sexlife before she was with me. I'm not sure this is anything she can help you with and she hasn't done anything wrong so you can't give her a hard time about it. I wouldn't even bring it up with her, what good can come of it? These feelings you have will have less of an effect over time. The longer you are with her, the less you will care about her past. Grin and bear it man, she's a great package even with the past. Try to shift your toughts to whatever you like most about her when these thoughts creap in. You wouldn't want someone who didn't like love making whould you?
  13. ratherbesailing
    Miscom - Grown men do some strange things but what you describe is pretty weird. Maybe the friend is bi? It is obvious he isn't going to react well if you come out and ask if he is into the way this other guy treats him but you may want to just come straight out and tell him you are getting mixed signals and that you need to know if he still has the same goals in mind. If he's changed his goals and his one and only priority to to compete next year with his weird friend, then you have to decide what you really want and whether he can give it to you. I'd stick your raise away for the future business and house, not his competition.
  14. ratherbesailing
    Starbrite - For what it is worth, I respect you for keeping the pregancy and making a go at staying together with the dad. You are committed to your baby, you deserve all the respect in the world. I also think you might be being a little hard on yourself thinking the ring as a material thing. I don't get the impression that you care what the ring looks like, you are hung up on the symbol of the promise and that isn't being materialistic. No one faults your for wanting to be engaged, we just know the male mind and want you to get engaged when it is the best possible time for both of you.
  15. ratherbesailing
    Baffled - If you guys haven't been together for 18 years and went from that to now talking marriage then you should both be scared. Call her and tell her that maybe you should try things out starting slow, while you get to know each other again. Give her and yourself some time. Give the 17 year old daughter some time, she may have had a reaction to mom's plan and been part of the reason for backing off. Don't wait, just slow it down and things might still work out fine. If you try to jump right into running away together and getting married right away, it may never come together and even if it does she may panic after the fact.
  16. ratherbesailing
    Starbrite - A couple of years ago my girlfriend really wanted this bracelet for Christmas that I really couldn't afford. At first she hinted at it, then she suggested it, then she asked for it, then she wined about it. By the time Christmas came I was fed up. The thing was, I had already bought her the bracelet before she started hinting. I wanted her to be surprised but what a let down it was for me to finally give it to her after all that pushing. I almost felt like returning it before Christmas and giving her a lump of coal. I'm not saying your guy has already bought the ring, but I'm sure he's given it some thought. Anything you say beyond this point is just taking away from the enjoyment that he'll have giving it to you. I know how badly you want the ring, but keep silent and let it come naturally. The quieter you are the sooner it may come. Good luck.
  17. ratherbesailing
    sukerbut - Definitely NC but don't beat yourself up too much, it is natural to have ups and downs after a break up. It sounds like maybe you kept the low contained in the beginning and this is just one of the aftershocks. Give it a bit more time, you will still have good and bad days but each time you have a low period it won't be as bad as the one before and eventually the new girlfriend will take your mind off your ex completely.
  18. ratherbesailing
    Hawk - It sounds to me like you've got the story right and I've been through it myself, but I don't think confronting her is going to do you a bit of good. You aren't going to change anything. You know what's going on and now you know that she's not going to be honest with you anymore, maybe she hasn't been for a while. I don't agree with how she's doing things but she's not yours so you can't control what she does and somehow you need to come to terms with that. All you have with her now is a business relationship because of the house. You don't want to cause a big rift with your business partner and fighting over whether she needs to tell you about her dates is going to cause a big one. Keep the peace for your own best interest and for her son. What you need to do is end that business relationship as quickly as possible. You've got to get that house listed as is or get whatever needs to be done finished right away so you can get some distance from her. So stop going through her things and call the real estate agent instead. Get a for sale sign in the yard and grab some tools and get her busy helping you. It is going to take some time to recover from a long term relationship and that is going to be impossible being in the same house with her. We need to get you to the point where you don't care what she is up to because you are having such a good time on your own. Good luck.
  19. ratherbesailing
    Needy to go - I'd suggest you just tell him that you don't love him the way you think you should and end it soon. Don't waiver or he'll get the wrong idea and think there is hope to stay together. As someone else said, you shouldn't jump right into another relationship after being in one for four years. Take some time to be single, you've been part of a couple since you were 15. See if some other guys don't catch your interest in the next couple of months when they all learn you are available. His cousin is off limits at least for a year, better forever. You would be hurting his cousin as much as your ex and yourself if you come between them. Please don't do it!
  20. ratherbesailing
    Irishgurl - It is just part of his fantasy. You are going to drive yourself crazy if you try to figure out what he's up to, it doesn't make sense because he's in never never land. Avoid the other forum he's on, avoid anything to do with him. He's bad, you're good.
  21. ratherbesailing
    Boiler - I'd run, but if you can't get yourself to do that (love's a funny thing), I think you and your girlfriend should see a counselor that specializes in parenting issues. I also think you should negotiate a written list of house rules with your girlfriend that she agrees to back you up on and both of you should sign the list. Agree on what the punishments will be if the rules are broken. Pin them right on the fridge. Enforce the rules but still treat the kids with respect. No "get your fat *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* of the couch and pick that up." Just, "you know the rules mom and I set so please get up from the couch and pick that up or no TV for the next two days." Parenting issues are difficult to see eye to eye on, especially when you haven't raised them together from day one. My girlfriend's hair stands on end when I cross over on her turf and even comment on what she should do with her kids on certain issues and I hate to admit it but I feel defensive when she comments to me about what I should be doing with my kids. It is just threatening and brings up guilty feelings about my parenting skills. Our kids are all over 18 and this is still an issue. My wife left but we ended up sharing custody and I have to say that it is really hard to keep strict discipline under those circumstances. You are so excited to see them when they arrive and a few days later you are dreading them leaving and it is just plain hard to be strict with the short time they are there especially when you know that at their other parent's home they don't have such rules. I fall in the trap to, but it is so common for divorced parents to want to be friends with their kids, rather than acting like traditional parents. Just realize what she is going through so that when you try to correct the situation, you have a better idea where her head is at.
  22. ratherbesailing
    I've been divorced for 7 years and I just spoke to my ex on the phone about an issue with my son and it is just plain hard to let go because even the simplest of issues can cause friction with her. No chance being friends with my ex. In my case, it is hard to let go of resentment, in someone elses case it could be hard to let go of attachment. Either way it involves letting go and not getting stuck. I try to keep all contact through e-mail so that I can control when I have to deal with her, but even that is a catch 22, since the written word can be misunderstood and lead to even more communication. I'm in the same boat with you onmyownagain, I would like nothing better than to have complete NC, but even the simplest of issues with the kids can create plenty of contact. Parenting was definitely designed to be done by two parents living together. All I can suggest is having her keep the calls and texts for urgent issues and try the e-mail route so you can control the timing of most contact and by all means keep the swaps as quick as possible. I hope others that have actually lived through this add their suggestions. My kids are both over 18 now and have their own cars but we still have too much contact, the topic has just changed to grades and college. We still have that issue that makes me hate contact the most, dividing up holiday time. I guess we just do the best we can and realize we aren't alone.
  23. ratherbesailing
    Natalie - The words I use to describe what you ex is doing is "re-writing the history of the marriage". Okay, you weren't married, but I was when my wife was having an affair and finally fessed up and left. She just couldn't be wrong and the marriage she described wasn't anything like the one I was in with her. I guess if she couldn't make me the bad guy then she'd have to admit that what she had done was wrong. It has been a few years now and she was talking to my 20 year old son about what happened and why she was so miserable that she had to leave. He was talking to me about the conversation with her, relaying some of her stories and reasons and I asked him "you lived in the house during all of this, is that how you remember things being?" He thought for about a second and said no. My friend used to refer to her revisionist history as "the world according to Susan". So don't for one second take what he says to heart, he's just rationalizing. I'm so jealous of all of you out there that get to go NC, having to handle the issues of divorce and kids with my ex was a bear.
  24. ratherbesailing
    Was your wife upset because you changed rooms or did she think you went to bed without her? On nights you want to go to bed before she does it would be rude to just disappear. It also seems like it might be time to let her know when you do want to have kids. If it is that important to her it would only be fair to give her an idea of what you have in mind. I'd also like to suggest that both of you read at least part of the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus books. There is one called something like Mars and Venus in the Bedroom. You don't have to read the whole book, just enough to understand that we look at things totally different than women do. It does make you think. Other than those suggestions, I think you are on the right track pushing back a bit. She does need to consider what you want to do, it shouldn't be all about her.
  25. ratherbesailing
    When I was in college, my friend accross the hall had a girlfriend and one day she was sitting in his room fiddling with something above her lip. I couldn't figure out what she was doing so I asked. She was bleaching her mustache. She had dark hair and was lightening it with some kind of solution. Why don't you give her a facial for Christmas somewhere she doesn't go and ask them to discretely recommend something she can do with the dark hair. If a facial isn't something she'd enjoy, do you know a friend of her's well enough to broach the subject with and let her suggest something? If all else fails ask her what one thing she'd like to change about you. Be sincere and see if it doesn't lead to her asking you the same question after you hear about the thing that bothers her about you.
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