ratherbesailing

Seabisquit - We're guys. It is okay to be very specific with us when asking for something or when asking us not to do something. We are terrible mind readers but we do like to please. If you don't make a big deal of it he's not going to freak out if you just say no honey, I'm not ready for that, why don't you do this to me, that I really enjoy. I think if you make a big deal of it and have a sit down discussion you're making this a much bigger issue than it really is to him. He's going to want what you want.

Kitty - Some people just can't help themselves when it comes to talking about other people. It could also be that she didn't approve of your cheating on him so she felt like she owed him some support. It is hard going through a break up and learning how friends split their loyalty with both parties afterwards. Some stay clearly to one side or the other and some actually seem to enjoy living on the fence. The bottom line is gossips don't make good friends. They may pretend to be but they aren't. It is just a fact, not something worth harboring resentment about. I'd say stay friendly and don't cross her, but don't consider her a real friend that you would share anything with that you wouldn't post on a public bulletin board for everyone to see. Don't cross her or berate her because gossips are horrible people to have as enemies.

Hi Jim - I agree with rodeo-rider. Try a few different things and ask her what she likes. Do start by kissing her tighs near the vagina and work your way in teasingly slow. I saw this late night program on cable with these sex experts and it was a woman telling this guy how to have oral sex with his wife. She suggested soft licks like you would lick and ice cream cone and she said to spell out the alphabet on the clitoris with your licks nice and slow. I wouldn't tell her that's what you are doing but give it a try. You'll find the clitoris without a problem. If she's excited this will be the swollen bump above the opening of her vagina and I'm sure you've felt that with your hand. You can stick your tongue in her vagina but from what I understand most girls don't want you doing that for a long time, they'd rather have you focus on the clitoris. I'm not encouraging you to have sex but make sure you have a condom with you. Things can get out of hand very quickly. Also make sure that after you come, none of that sperm gets near her vagina. As far as her swallowing goes, just let her know that you are about to come. If she wants to swallow she'll stay in place, if she doesn't she'll take her mouth off of you and hopefully use her hand. Good luck,

Nope, no revenge. Take that energy and do something positive for yourself. He's not worth an ounce of your energy. Boy, I wish I was able to follow my own advice.

Hi Ailec - Most of us don't know what to say in lots of situations, especially one as emotionally charged as someone tell you they love you. Just handle it as best you can but if your feelings for him don't come around and he's still professing his love for you a month or two from now, don't string him along too long. Good luck

Hi Lioness - I know very little about brain damage but my experience with married people having affairs is that they don't usually seem to feel very guilty. They tend to come up with a story about why they aren't to blame and they invest themselves wholeheartly in believing the story they have created. The worst part is the story doesn't always make sense and often seems to have very little basis in fact. They also tend to get very very selfish. Your husband may exhibit the same symptoms as a head trama victim but he's also acting just like an unfaithful spouse who is using head trama as an excuse. I will be happy for you when you get to the point where you aren't tearing yourself apart to decide which is actually true. In the long run it doesn't matter why he left, you need to focus on your kids and healing your heart. I want you to know that his actions are no reflection on you. Anyone can tell you are a loving caring person. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this and I doubt very seriously there is anything you can do to bring things back to the way they used to be. There are some great books out there. My favorite is "Letting Go" by Dr. Wanderer and Dr. Cabot. It has a lot of practical advise on how to speed up the healing process. Good luck.

Sagex - I don't think you need to give up all hope but I do think you need to stop trying to win her back. It is a good sign that she wanted to go to the movies but there is nothing you can do to win her over. It will either happen or it won't, just give her some time and some space and the next move is hers. She knows how you feel. If you've only appologized once, tell her again that you are sorry for the way you acted at your party. Let her know that you do really like her but that you didn't mean to act like a nut case. If you've appologized a bunch of times then don't say another word about it and just start acting like nothing ever happened. Good luck

Hi cin-cin - The girl you describe seems to have a pretty big ego and I can sense you are beginning to question your own worth because of it. I don't think this has anything to do with you. She would have flitted away if you were the richest guy on the block. It will take a while to get over this but you'll soon find someone that is more appreciative. She may have more or less money than your ex, don't let that put you off. It is the attitude that matters. Good luck

From the Wedding Singer Soundtrack w/ Adam Sandler "Somebody Kill Me" [spoken] Ok, I just want to warn you that when I wrote this song I was listening to the Cure a lot. [sung] You don't know how much I need you. While you're around I don't feel blue. And when we kiss I know that you need me too. I can't believe I found a love that's so pure and true. But it all was "BS". It was a goddam joke. And when I think of you and I, I hope you "F"ng choke. I hope you're glad with what you've done to me. I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy. You left me here all alone, tears running constantly. Oh somebody kill me please, somebody kill me plee-ase, I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please kill me. I want to die. Put a bullet in my head. Spoken] [Kid You're going to the mental institution.

Why not get a set of headphones or earbuds and a small LCD TV that you can adjust the brightness on and doesn't cast a lot of light off to the sides? It shouldn't keep him up and if you two still aren't sleeping together then you'll know that it really is something else. Anyone know of a good book light? I can't get to sleep when my girlfriend reads in bed and she can't see anything with the book light I bought her, it doesn't light up the pages enough.

Hi Cheer - Isn't the thought of losing someone terrible? It is really scarry. Sometimes it also causes us to lose perspective and to try to cling to something that maybe we weren't so sure we wanted to begin with. Your post seems to have some negatives about the relationship as well as some positive things. If you try to let go of the fear of loss is there a part of you that feels relieved that he's gone? You said your personalities really didn't mesh. I know it is scarry but maybe this will be a good test to see how strong the relationship really is. It sounds like you two moved in together pretty quickly so this little distance might be a good thing for a while. I'm a guy to and we do find other women attractive and living with a single woman with a child will at least be distracting for him. Especially since they aren't in separate units and will evidently be sharing the kitchen and other areas of the house. I can see why he'd like the arrangement and I can see how he'd find it quite innocent but I think if it was me, I'd have put a little more thought into how my girlfriend would feel about the situation. I don't think it would be out of line to ask him how he'd feel if you had a 34 year old good looking single guy move in with you. I don't know what he has for a lease but I'd let him know the arrangement is uncomfortable for you and that you'd like him to consider that and keep his eyes open for something a little less threatening to you. When he gets home for the wedding you are going to have to ask the difficult questions and you may or may not like the answers (wait till after the wedding). You have to come straight out and ask him how he feels about your relationship and whether he feels strongly enough about it to continue the long distance thing and if he'd like you to start looking for jobs in Miami or if he feels that you two should take a break. A few weeks should be long enough for him to give you an honest answer and I think it is better to wait and ask him in person so you can get a sense of how he feels. Unlike Kute Kate, I think it sounds like your boyfriend was sincerely trying to find work when he lived with you and he was actively trying to make himself useful. He isn't running away, he had to move. He sounds like a nice guy but even a nice guy might need to be reminded that moving in with a young attractive single mom isn't too cool for your relationship. She could very well remain just a roomate and this could all work out just fine. Be brave, be strong, realize that you are a valuable commodity yourself and act like it when you deal with him and this situation. Don't act like you will be losing, act more like he'll be the one losing if he opts out of the relationship. Good luck but I think you'll be the winner no matter which way this relationship goes.

Kute Kate - I'm 45, I hope that's not too late to start over! I hate to think you feel trapped when there are other good people out there. If you want to work on the relationship you would probably like counseling or if you have a church the minister will often give free sessions. It sounds like it would really help to get a third person involved. You two have some kind of dynamic going that doesn't sound all that healthy. The third person will be more impartial and will help identify what each of you is contributing to the problem. Good luck.

I think the worst part of getting dumped is that it shatters the dreams we had and the image we have in our heads that we were part of something special. Yeah, my ego was bruised and my heart ached but those feelings passed. It's the sense of loss over the dream that lingers on and it is really hard to get that back.

If a guy dumps a girl you have to ask him before approaching the girl. If the girl dumped the guy she's off limits. If these guys aren't close friends they may not feel bound by the rules or they are jerks and don't care (in which case you might want to beware of them).

Sandra - I think you should tell him and hopefully it will help him to move on. Why not just tell him that the reason that you haven't responded is that you are involved with someone else. He doesn't need to know how long or any details. I think that is the kindest action you can take and he will probably stop contacting you.

Elizabeth - My grandmother died of lung cancer about 15 years ago. It was hard to let go and I still miss her but I have only warm happy thoughts now when I think of her. It is going to be hard for a while but try to do the best you can to appreciate all the good times you did have.

Never mind - The older I get the more I realize that everyone is a little crazy and has baggage from the past that they would rather forget. My girlfriend did some things in the past that I don't like and I catch myself thinking about it every so often but I realize that she is a different person now and it isn't my place to be judging her or making her re-live the experience. I love her for what she is today and it is up to me to let it go. You should go to counseling to help you cope, but please back off and let her deal with this however she wants to. What I would be more concerned about is the fact that much more recently she was contacting you while she was married to someone else. It is great that she followed through with the divorce before you two actually got together but, as unhappy as she was, she shouldn't have been declaring her love for you while still married. It sounds like she wanted to make sure she had the next guy lined up before she split. I'd be more concerned that she's not able to stand on her own and that she thinks it is okay to start developing a new relationship when she's married to someone else.

cordell - I think he's the one that's going to be a little worried when he's not hearing from you as often and that's what you want. How about doing number 1 until Sunday? I only know this works because every once in a while my girlfriend won't call me for a while, just testing to make sure I'm paying attention. I really take notice when she hasn't called when she normally would and it stops me from taking things for granted. You'll see. It works pretty fast.

ff - I don't know how attached you are to the cat but there'd be nothing better than ignoring his call and if he does reach you tell him you've already got another cat. No connection to him is best, and the cat will be a type of connection, but if you really want the cat back, I think your idea of talking to his mom is perfect. I'm sorry he tried to make you feel undesirable. He's a jerk.

Shaunee - It could be you don't need to worry about him talking to other girls, that I understand. What I don't like hearing is that he wants to control who you talk to and he's so one sided about the whole thing. Do your friends like him and think he's good for you? Do you like him and think he's good for you? Don't settle thinking a guy has the right to treat you unfairly.

Shaunee - Now your boyfriend is starting to sound a bit strange. I get jealous if another guy is showing interest in my girlfriend but I don't get mad (especially at her) and it isn't her fault for being so damn attractive. Does he get mad at you with no reasonable cause? Does he really make you leave somewhere you wanted to stay? I'd say it is time to take inventory on his good points and bad.

Heavensent - That's wonderful. I didn't think you'd get an appointment that fast but I think it should be a requirement of getting married to get a check up at counseling together once a year, like getting your car inspected.

Shaunee - Tell him that other people have noticed him doing it. Tell him when you notice him doing it. If he doesn't at least slow it way down then he may not be a keeper. He should want you to be happy and not want to hurt you. I've already gone on record saying it is natural but if he doesn't care enough to try and curb it then I think you could do better.

Cordell - I doubt you've used up your chances or he'd be gone already. Three things: 1) Make sure he contacts you twice for every time you contact him in the next week, then settle back to no more than 50/50. 2) Next time you talk just let him know you've been a little needy lately but that you understand how he feels and you are okay with things the way they are. Tell him he makes you happy. 3) Act happy and confident. If you act this way he'll see a future with you and the next thing you know you will be happy and confident.

Shaunee - It is one of the curses of being a guy, all genetics, wish we could stop. I love my girlfriend like crazy but its like our eyes are trained to seek out women. When my girlfriend sees another woman she turns to look at me to see if I'm checking her out. I'm so afraid to get caught that I think I can check out a woman in half a second. My eyesight is better than my girlfriend's so I have just enough time to notice someone and then make sure I'm looking in any direction but that when my girlfriend checks to see if I'm looking. It won't completely stop him but my girlfriend would always let me know when she thought I was checking someone out and that has changed my behaviour and made me a lot more aware of what I am doing. I really didn't even realize how often it happened or how obvious it was so I'm glad she at least curbed the habit somewhat. My girlfriend lets me know when she catches me but she is pretty good natured about it. I want her to be happy and I don't want to hurt her so I do the best I can, wish I could stop completely, but that doesn't happen until we die.