Lioness

Hi, I'm weighing in on the cheating thing...I don't think all men cheat. However, once they do cheat they will continue to do so. For some men it feels good and they get bored with the same old thing. It's not a valid excuse, but it's reality. I have been cheated on and have learned it's awful and worse than any pain I could go through. My husband does not care and is feeling like the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

Yeah, I keep getting that...it will make me stronger than ever. Believe it or not, I was an incredibly strong person to begin with. I'm a Leo in a long line of Leo's (Great GM, GM, Mother, Sister and now my daughter was born on my Birthday). Strength has never been a problem. It's knowing we were so perfect for each other, and I still believe that. But he's so daft that I'm not willing to put myself in harm's way, again. He's a virgo and while I don't believe in everything the Zodiac charts say, he fits it to a "T". I guess I wonder if they are just unfaithful by nature and can't be changed...thoughts/

Hi Lostinmythoughts, I requested he file for a divorce because I'm unable to do it. That sounds so pathetic, but I can't. I moved my daughters out of our huge house, 4000 sq. feet, and into a townhome I bought in October. The house held memories I could no longer bare. We had been there for six years, his two girls, my two girls, three dogs, one cat...no fish I loved the family life, the noise, the laughter, all of it. I had to throw away every thing that reminded me of him to survive. It's much better since I moved, but the house still has a lot of stuff in it that I've not taken out. It's for sale, but no one has bought it yet. So, yes I'm covering two mortgage payments with his help. I don't want a divorce, never have. But he wants to live for himself with his new love. The phone call on Friday threw me for a loop and I was so sure divorcing was the best thing to do. I hate being 42 and struggling with this. I am a confident professional woman and this piece of my personality is startling to me. Love is not black and white but mostly gray isn't it? There are no definites in life and no one gets out unharmed...synical sounding isn't it? Lioness

Yes, you're right. All the things you said are right. So how do I get my heart to reconcile with my brain? That seems to be the worst part. It all makes sense, but my heart seems to beat for him alone. Dragging my girls through anything more would be aweful. I won't do that to them. If it's put in that context I can refuse him over and over, I think. Thank you Rose2summer.

Hi All and Happy Monday, If you've been following my saga you know my husband left me for what seemed like a car accident and damage to his brain, but now appears to be another woman. Anyway, he called me Friday night, 11/17/06, and is remourseful and sad that we are apart. I asked him to file for divorce last week via email and previous to last week I had not spoken to him in about 5 months. We communicate about the kids, house, all that through email. Now he has asked to see me, tomorrow after work. I'm panicked and thinking he's just having "leavers remourse"...it's like buying a car and then deciding you really didn't want it or need it. I think he's having a temporary attack of conscious and feels bad about all he's put myself and my girls through. What's the best way to handle this? It's no secret I adore and love him, but I'm not in a good place to deal with games like this. I get by everyday, and I want to heal and feel better. This man was the absolute love of my life in every way and when he left I crumbled. It's only by the grace of God and my two beautiful daughters that I keep going. He knows that and it just gives me false hope to think he could come around. What's more, do I really want this man in my life again? I don't think he's capable of being faithful to anyone and can't be married to anyone. So a divorce is pretty much a given. How about some thoughts out there? Lioness

Hi Rose2summer, I was divorced from my first husband seven years ago. My youngest daughter was three months old. He works for IBM and travelled a lot. It was a mutual concent thing and while it was tough, it was nothing compared to this. Anyway, I had been divorced for about a year and a half when I met Gary, my current husband. So I would not say I was vunerable, lonely, most definitely. I think the predator label fits in many cases. He likes to relate and help women. He has no male friends and doesn't want any. But if there's a female in need, he's there. He wants to be the knight riding in on the white horse to rescue the fair maiden. I remember him telling me about her last Christmas; he said he found her crying at the copy machine because her husband had fallen in love with the neighbor accross the street. What do you make of that?

Hi Moonbeam111 I wanted to reply to this piece of your comments: But whatever the real reasons are, it does not matter! Your children need a healthy, strong, and happy mom. Why don't you reverse your powerful intention to help him and apply it to yourself? Get a lot of help and support, reach out to friends and family, nurture yourself and let go of "him". The man you loved is still in your heart. The love, the good times, the connection - it's all yours still. After he left this past summer I had to get ride of every picture I had of him. I also had to move from our house because I was getting worse; losing more weight and losing a grip on reality. Once I was sure every nook and cranny of him had been destroyed or disguarded I turned to my laptop and deleted all his pictures. I kept all the photos of the girls, about 700 of them, but all traces of Gary are gone. I did the same in my office, my car, anyplace I frequented. I thought I'd feel bad but I don't. I have kept him in my heart but as far as a physical connection, there's not one thing left. Looking back I'm not exactly sure if that was the right thing to do, but what's done is done. The absolute worst thing I'm afraid of is bumping into him at the grocery store or something like that. I've erased him from my brain, like he's dead, but my heart beats for him night after night. I dream of him and I swear I can smell him laying next to me. I hear his voice and if I do try and actually sleep in our bed I pile pillows up next to me so when I swing my arm over I think he's there...crazy stuff that doesn't seem very sane to me but I keep doing. I wonder, while all this is going on, if he even thinks about me at night. We had a very satisfying sex life and it's searing to imagine him with another woman. I'm a professional woman, gone to college, good job and all that stuff. But it really doesn't matter when the one you love isn't with you anymore. Money is nothing more than a means to give you choices, that's it. It's the people in the house, the parents and kids, that make the house a home, not the things you put in it.

Yes, you're right. Mid-life crisis. It does smack of that doesn't it? You all seem to have keen insight and I do feel better. I love my girls to death and their positive outlook on life is crucial. They are concerned for me and have watched me suffer throughout this entire ordeal...going on over a year now. The accident was November 11, 2005.

Hi Ratherbesailing, Number 2 was absolutely dead on! He has said "I'm living for myself now" over and over in many emails. He no longer wants to be in a young family too. My daughters are 7 & 11. Their dad (my first husband) is very much in their lives but their stepdad, my current husband, was also. They had the best of both worlds. I'm so glad you said that.

Hi All, I love the advice, keep it coming. It's really helping. Syrix brought up an excellent point which is he can have a relationship with someone else that does have a child and be fine with it. That's why I feel the story he's given me has a lot of holes in it. I wanted to hear from the guys on this one...wouldn't there be some feelings of guilt for walking out on your family of four daughters and a wife? The counselor I go to has used the word predator in the sense that he saved this woman that was going through a bad divorce....much like me 6 years ago. He has no male friends and relates very well to women...is this part of it too?

Oddly enough the money he'll be getting is a different claim than the one I have. My claim is totally separate from his and because of the accident, we will most likely divorce. It's so sad I can barely speak about it. Typing is much easier.

Hi Rose, Your words are very accurate and I think I do know these things in my head, I just can't get my heart to listen. I love him beyond words and I wonder why he felt the need to turn to another woman when I'm right here, ready to help. I feel like I've failed in some way and I don't know where. I know he's slipped away and is perfectly content to be with someone else now. The tears just flow down my face and I want to crawl under the bed and stay there. This is hands down the worst thing to happen to me. I so much appreciate your support and I need it. I'm not someone that easily asks for help and I recognize I can't sail this ship alone. All my family is back east and I'm kinda alone right now. I think my nasty side wants him to know he's ruined 5 other lives, but he doesn't care. He just tells me he's living for himself now. So why would I want someone like that? I have no idea. It's nearly impossible to live for yourself when you have kids, and why would you want to? I love my girls and they are a blast. I'm going mad....help!

Hi, I would like to think those weekends camping were for his benefit to be alone with noise or distraction, but I can't say for sure. I don't know anyone in this position to ask. I do have therapy once a week, but I'm starting to wonder how much good it's doing. I have legal advise but I'm afriad to move forward with it. My husband is giving me generous support but I want him back. But what are his incentives? He's having a great time on his own with his new lover.

Hi Rose, Yes, I've been told by the doctor's he may never get better. Actually it's less than 25% of the people with Tramautic Brain Injury's heal to where they were before. I just struggle with the fact that he left to have time alone to figure out what he wanted, and now he's in love with someone else. How does that happen? I hate to say this but if he would have died I could probably heal. But he's walking around like a normal person. He looks the same but he isn't. Rose, I would have gone to the ends of the earth for him and tried every treatment out there. But he didn't want that. He would not do counseling or any other kind of treatment. The brain stem was affect and he had severe whiplash. He blacked out for 5-10 seconds after the accident. He's able to work in a mentally challenging position, interact with people at work and carry on a normal life. It's just without his family. God I don't know what to do.

Hi Chillins, You know, I can relate to what you're saying. I am separated from my husband due to what I thought was an insane situation. Anyway, I've had the same advice from many friends...don't give it, it will happen and so on. I also joined link removed recently and I get a lot of emails, but many of them are either creepy (sex talk), desperate or they want to get married within a month. I have yet to meet a man in person because I'm not getting a good feeling from the emails. I have two daughters, 7 & 11, and I don't want to end up in a box somewhere Back to topic, I recognize that I'm not ready to date anyone for right now. At the urgings of my friends I took link removed on, but it's just too soon for me. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to meet someone and go to a movie or the museums, but I can't honestly say committment is on my mind. Maybe give yourself a bit more breathing room and see what happens. Don't give up because I really believe we are not meant to go through life alone. But in the meantime, experiment with stuff you might like to do. It sounds lame, I know, but I'm working on it too. I miss the most basic of stuff like watching the news and drinking coffee with someone. So I know what you're feeling. Take care