Lioness
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Hi, I'm weighing in on the cheating thing...I don't think all men cheat. However, once they do cheat they will continue to do so. For some men it feels good and they get bored with the same old thing. It's not a valid excuse, but it's reality. I have been cheated on and have learned it's awful and worse than any pain I could go through. My husband does not care and is feeling like the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
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Yeah, I keep getting that...it will make me stronger than ever. Believe it or not, I was an incredibly strong person to begin with. I'm a Leo in a long line of Leo's (Great GM, GM, Mother, Sister and now my daughter was born on my Birthday). Strength has never been a problem. It's knowing we were so perfect for each other, and I still believe that. But he's so daft that I'm not willing to put myself in harm's way, again. He's a virgo and while I don't believe in everything the Zodiac charts say, he fits it to a "T". I guess I wonder if they are just unfaithful by nature and can't be changed...thoughts/
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Hi Lostinmythoughts, I requested he file for a divorce because I'm unable to do it. That sounds so pathetic, but I can't. I moved my daughters out of our huge house, 4000 sq. feet, and into a townhome I bought in October. The house held memories I could no longer bare. We had been there for six years, his two girls, my two girls, three dogs, one cat...no fish I loved the family life, the noise, the laughter, all of it. I had to throw away every thing that reminded me of him to survive. It's much better since I moved, but the house still has a lot of stuff in it that I've not taken out. It's for sale, but no one has bought it yet. So, yes I'm covering two mortgage payments with his help. I don't want a divorce, never have. But he wants to live for himself with his new love. The phone call on Friday threw me for a loop and I was so sure divorcing was the best thing to do. I hate being 42 and struggling with this. I am a confident professional woman and this piece of my personality is startling to me. Love is not black and white but mostly gray isn't it? There are no definites in life and no one gets out unharmed...synical sounding isn't it? Lioness
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Yes, you're right. All the things you said are right. So how do I get my heart to reconcile with my brain? That seems to be the worst part. It all makes sense, but my heart seems to beat for him alone. Dragging my girls through anything more would be aweful. I won't do that to them. If it's put in that context I can refuse him over and over, I think. Thank you Rose2summer.
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Hi All and Happy Monday, If you've been following my saga you know my husband left me for what seemed like a car accident and damage to his brain, but now appears to be another woman. Anyway, he called me Friday night, 11/17/06, and is remourseful and sad that we are apart. I asked him to file for divorce last week via email and previous to last week I had not spoken to him in about 5 months. We communicate about the kids, house, all that through email. Now he has asked to see me, tomorrow after work. I'm panicked and thinking he's just having "leavers remourse"...it's like buying a car and then deciding you really didn't want it or need it. I think he's having a temporary attack of conscious and feels bad about all he's put myself and my girls through. What's the best way to handle this? It's no secret I adore and love him, but I'm not in a good place to deal with games like this. I get by everyday, and I want to heal and feel better. This man was the absolute love of my life in every way and when he left I crumbled. It's only by the grace of God and my two beautiful daughters that I keep going. He knows that and it just gives me false hope to think he could come around. What's more, do I really want this man in my life again? I don't think he's capable of being faithful to anyone and can't be married to anyone. So a divorce is pretty much a given. How about some thoughts out there? Lioness
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Hi Rose2summer, I was divorced from my first husband seven years ago. My youngest daughter was three months old. He works for IBM and travelled a lot. It was a mutual concent thing and while it was tough, it was nothing compared to this. Anyway, I had been divorced for about a year and a half when I met Gary, my current husband. So I would not say I was vunerable, lonely, most definitely. I think the predator label fits in many cases. He likes to relate and help women. He has no male friends and doesn't want any. But if there's a female in need, he's there. He wants to be the knight riding in on the white horse to rescue the fair maiden. I remember him telling me about her last Christmas; he said he found her crying at the copy machine because her husband had fallen in love with the neighbor accross the street. What do you make of that?
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Hi Moonbeam111 I wanted to reply to this piece of your comments: But whatever the real reasons are, it does not matter! Your children need a healthy, strong, and happy mom. Why don't you reverse your powerful intention to help him and apply it to yourself? Get a lot of help and support, reach out to friends and family, nurture yourself and let go of "him". The man you loved is still in your heart. The love, the good times, the connection - it's all yours still. After he left this past summer I had to get ride of every picture I had of him. I also had to move from our house because I was getting worse; losing more weight and losing a grip on reality. Once I was sure every nook and cranny of him had been destroyed or disguarded I turned to my laptop and deleted all his pictures. I kept all the photos of the girls, about 700 of them, but all traces of Gary are gone. I did the same in my office, my car, anyplace I frequented. I thought I'd feel bad but I don't. I have kept him in my heart but as far as a physical connection, there's not one thing left. Looking back I'm not exactly sure if that was the right thing to do, but what's done is done. The absolute worst thing I'm afraid of is bumping into him at the grocery store or something like that. I've erased him from my brain, like he's dead, but my heart beats for him night after night. I dream of him and I swear I can smell him laying next to me. I hear his voice and if I do try and actually sleep in our bed I pile pillows up next to me so when I swing my arm over I think he's there...crazy stuff that doesn't seem very sane to me but I keep doing. I wonder, while all this is going on, if he even thinks about me at night. We had a very satisfying sex life and it's searing to imagine him with another woman. I'm a professional woman, gone to college, good job and all that stuff. But it really doesn't matter when the one you love isn't with you anymore. Money is nothing more than a means to give you choices, that's it. It's the people in the house, the parents and kids, that make the house a home, not the things you put in it.
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Yes, you're right. Mid-life crisis. It does smack of that doesn't it? You all seem to have keen insight and I do feel better. I love my girls to death and their positive outlook on life is crucial. They are concerned for me and have watched me suffer throughout this entire ordeal...going on over a year now. The accident was November 11, 2005.
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Hi Ratherbesailing, Number 2 was absolutely dead on! He has said "I'm living for myself now" over and over in many emails. He no longer wants to be in a young family too. My daughters are 7 & 11. Their dad (my first husband) is very much in their lives but their stepdad, my current husband, was also. They had the best of both worlds. I'm so glad you said that.
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Hi All, I love the advice, keep it coming. It's really helping. Syrix brought up an excellent point which is he can have a relationship with someone else that does have a child and be fine with it. That's why I feel the story he's given me has a lot of holes in it. I wanted to hear from the guys on this one...wouldn't there be some feelings of guilt for walking out on your family of four daughters and a wife? The counselor I go to has used the word predator in the sense that he saved this woman that was going through a bad divorce....much like me 6 years ago. He has no male friends and relates very well to women...is this part of it too?
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Oddly enough the money he'll be getting is a different claim than the one I have. My claim is totally separate from his and because of the accident, we will most likely divorce. It's so sad I can barely speak about it. Typing is much easier.
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Hi Rose, Your words are very accurate and I think I do know these things in my head, I just can't get my heart to listen. I love him beyond words and I wonder why he felt the need to turn to another woman when I'm right here, ready to help. I feel like I've failed in some way and I don't know where. I know he's slipped away and is perfectly content to be with someone else now. The tears just flow down my face and I want to crawl under the bed and stay there. This is hands down the worst thing to happen to me. I so much appreciate your support and I need it. I'm not someone that easily asks for help and I recognize I can't sail this ship alone. All my family is back east and I'm kinda alone right now. I think my nasty side wants him to know he's ruined 5 other lives, but he doesn't care. He just tells me he's living for himself now. So why would I want someone like that? I have no idea. It's nearly impossible to live for yourself when you have kids, and why would you want to? I love my girls and they are a blast. I'm going mad....help!
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Hi, I would like to think those weekends camping were for his benefit to be alone with noise or distraction, but I can't say for sure. I don't know anyone in this position to ask. I do have therapy once a week, but I'm starting to wonder how much good it's doing. I have legal advise but I'm afriad to move forward with it. My husband is giving me generous support but I want him back. But what are his incentives? He's having a great time on his own with his new lover.
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Hi Rose, Yes, I've been told by the doctor's he may never get better. Actually it's less than 25% of the people with Tramautic Brain Injury's heal to where they were before. I just struggle with the fact that he left to have time alone to figure out what he wanted, and now he's in love with someone else. How does that happen? I hate to say this but if he would have died I could probably heal. But he's walking around like a normal person. He looks the same but he isn't. Rose, I would have gone to the ends of the earth for him and tried every treatment out there. But he didn't want that. He would not do counseling or any other kind of treatment. The brain stem was affect and he had severe whiplash. He blacked out for 5-10 seconds after the accident. He's able to work in a mentally challenging position, interact with people at work and carry on a normal life. It's just without his family. God I don't know what to do.
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Hi Chillins, You know, I can relate to what you're saying. I am separated from my husband due to what I thought was an insane situation. Anyway, I've had the same advice from many friends...don't give it, it will happen and so on. I also joined link removed recently and I get a lot of emails, but many of them are either creepy (sex talk), desperate or they want to get married within a month. I have yet to meet a man in person because I'm not getting a good feeling from the emails. I have two daughters, 7 & 11, and I don't want to end up in a box somewhere Back to topic, I recognize that I'm not ready to date anyone for right now. At the urgings of my friends I took link removed on, but it's just too soon for me. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to meet someone and go to a movie or the museums, but I can't honestly say committment is on my mind. Maybe give yourself a bit more breathing room and see what happens. Don't give up because I really believe we are not meant to go through life alone. But in the meantime, experiment with stuff you might like to do. It sounds lame, I know, but I'm working on it too. I miss the most basic of stuff like watching the news and drinking coffee with someone. So I know what you're feeling. Take care
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Hi All, I've posted a couple times before and I'm still struggling. My husband was diagnosed with a brain injury from a car accident last November, 2005. He left this past summer. We have four daughters, two are mine, two are his. The family has been broken up. I moved from my house to a townhome and he's in an apartment. He has sensory overload and can't take the climate in a busy household, especially the kids. So we're on the fourth month of being separated and he's now told me he's in love with a co-worker, female. He's been sleeping with her and she has a four year old son. Have I gone mad here? This should be a red flag that he's lied and fabricated the entire story, right? But wait, all the doctor's we went to tell me the injury was really bad. So I'm living in this insane sort of limbo...I'm married with no husband. I love him but he no longer loves me. I won't compromise my children for him so I clearly come with children. He lost custody of his girls and now his X has them. What should I be doing? It seems to me the world is divided into couples. Everyone I know is married and appears happy. I'm so lonely and sad. I sleep on the couch because the bed seems huge. Do I file for divorce? Do I fight for my husband? He never wanted to try one time since he left. Is that a clear enough message? We were blissfully happy, no lie. We fought once in a while, but the life we had was wonderful, busy and fun. I should also mention that I'm 42 and he's 55. The women, I think, he left me for is younger than me with a four year old son. Come on guys!!! Can someone unwrap this for me? I'm feeling so stupid and insane you can't imagine. I no longer trust my judement and my self confidence is nearly gone. Thanks. Lioness
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Hi Redsuede, I am in a situation much like yours. My husband and I have been together 6 years. He has two daughters and I have two daughter. For the past six years we've been living together as a blended family. I wanted to make sure it was the right decision so we didn't get married until last year. He had a car accident last November and was diagnosed with TBI - Traumatic Brain Injury. For months he had serious side affects and problems. Then last February it seemed to have cleared up but he kept wanting to be alone. He would go off camping alone, not come home at night and stay in hotels. I made him move out because his behavior was so erratic and it was affecting all the girls. I was giving him the space he needed to "sort through" his issues. He said he didn't want a family, a wife and to be a husband any more. He was focusing on himself and what he wanted. Then I found out he was in love with someone else. My world caved in and I wanted to disappear. I have our house up for sale, and I bought a townhome. I moved about three weeks ago. He's fine, happy with his new love, living in an apartment not far from me, and has no sense of responsibility to me or the kids at all. He lied and deceived all of us and doesn't care one bit. I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the idea. The position we are in is basically the previous life our partners had. They're not interested in us, our well being or our feelings. We're history. If ever I wanted to believe people get what they deserve it's now. He's floating through life destroying lives and doesn't seem to be affected at all. I feel for you. Take care. Lioness
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Hi, Sorry you're hurting. But in all honesty, why would you want to stay with someone you can't speak to freely? That's no good. You have to be yourself and he needs to accept you for who you are. You deserve better and while that's easy to say, it's true.
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RETURNING HIS THINGS - I Need Advice
Lioness replied to Choose2bHappy's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
I'm also in agreement with kellbell. I'm also going through a very nasty breakup and I have not seen my husband in months. We communicate via email and I box up his stuff, label it and leave it in the garage. He picks it up when he can. I avoid all contact with him and it will immobilize me, truly. He doesn't care as he's moved on, but I can't just yet. -
Hi All, My husband is in love with someone else. He walked away and destroyed an entire family and has decided he wants to "live for himself." However, living for himself now entails a new lover. Odd how the person you trusted and loved the most is now the object of tears, pain and anger. I feel foolish and embarrassed and tired, unbelievable tired. I think I'm reaching the angry stage too...I've been sending mad emails to him. He hates it and says I make him feel bad. I think the goal here is to make him accountable for all that's happened and make him feel pain. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought myself capable of that, but I am. It's like you turn into a different person; one that thrives off bitterness and anger. I don't like that so I'll need to snap myself out of it. Anyway I keep replaying questions over and over in my head....mostly why questions and I can't turn them off. It's like I'm nearly asleep and *pop* "why doesn't he love me anymore?" or even better "I bet he's making love to Barb right now" great isn't it? Then I'm up for at least two more hours! HELP! If anyone has coping strategies please share them. Lioness
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Thanks. I'm doing my best to recover and not walk down the bitter and angry road too much longer. I appreciate your comments.
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Hi All, I thought so...once a cheater always a cheater. I have walked away, but with very little self respect. I love him and I've never loved anyone before. I fell for the whole thing; hook, line & sinker. He says he's happy, but emails me on and off. I usually deleted them and don't answer. They never have anything in them worth answering. It just boggles my mind that all the great things we had meant nothing so he jumped the fence. Thanks All.
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Hi All, As you can see by the above subject I'm asking that age old question. My husband and I are in an aweful situation. I've posted some other stuff so feel free to have a look. Anyway, I am friends with his x-wife. Our friendship has remained despite all that's happened. Before I married him, she had told me he cheated on her. Of course, I didn't believe her. I wish I would have listened. He did, many times, and now on me too. So it is true, once a cheater, always a cheater??? Let's hear from the audience please. Another little piece of advice my mother told me "Always have lunch with the X before you get married..." Truer words were never said. Take Care All Lioness
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How do/did you know when you're ready for contact with ex?
Lioness replied to rimshot22's topic in Breaking Up Advice
That's a great question. I guess when you no longer feel emotional or scared when you think about calling them?? I think it took me about two years before I could call my x and talk reasonably. Now we're friends and I do depend on him for a lot. It's odd but I like him more as a friend than I did as a husband. -
That's an excellent way to put it, the being special to him part. I have been feeling that too...all the lines he fed me about being his soul mate and his real love and on and on...it was a ruse really. I wasn't so special after all. I was just another woman in his life he married and then cheated on. But he lied so much and made it appear it was the car accident that made him do it all. Your pain is just as severe as mine, I'm sure. It sounds as if you were quite taken with him and he let you down. That's bad and I'm sorry for you. I have decided no one in this life gets out unharmed. This is my first big & awful bruising. Even when I've had relatives die, I didn't feel this bad. (Now that's not so nice to say ;-) Do you feel you're making progress? I'll be having a few "angry bike rides" this weekend to help me get more balanced. I have a bunch of music on my ipod that's rather angry or aggressive. I ride 13 miles four days a week and I typically feel much better. Take care. Lioness