nataliejulie

Just because he's not making his problems public and seeking the internet for refuge, doesn't mean he tries to figure out how to have a good relationship with me. I know he thinks about it, he tells me, and tells me what we could do to fix it, what could be changed, what could happen. The only single reason in the world I come here is because I have no friends to confide in, he does. Just because I'm lonely and seek the internet for advice doesn't make me the better person.

The whole point here is to start fresh, forgive, move forward and let go of all resentment that's built up in the past. He's not asking for me back, so I don't expect grovelling. We are on friends terms, that is all. We are trying to grow comfortable with each other, trying to rebuild trust in one another. I'm not making excuses for him, because when I honestly take a look at our relationship, I would never ever take ME back. I already know our relationship is damaged, maybe even unrepairable. And I'm not taking scraps, either. I'm not sleeping with him, I'm not hanging out with him... All I did was make a post and say, he's starting to become comfortable with me again, he's putting forth baby step efforts, and I'm doing the same as he is. Two months ago, I would had driven in 2 feet of snow to go see him, but I was okay with not doing that this weekend. I was okay with not seeing him. It doesn't matter to me. Instead of waiting for phone calls, I just let things happen. I'm going with the flow and making this easy as possible for me to deal with.

Once upon a time, I have hit my ex, I have scratched him, I screamed at him infront of his family, I have screamed at him infront of his friends, I would log his cell phone calls, I would monitor everything he's done, I would smell him if there was another woman on him, I wouldn't let him hang out with his friends, I've kicked him out of my car and made him walk home, I have threw his clothes in the garbage because he didn't say he loved me, I have ripped up all his love letters and threw them at his face because he didn't kiss me, I would purposely hurt his feelings and make him jealous, I would go out of my way to purposely ruin his day... Oh the list goes on. A million and one things I've done that I'm not proud of. I was immature, unstable, and, just plain crazy. And what has he done? For months, he put his tail between his legs and let it happen, after me promising over and over again to get help, to change, to stop being that way. So tell me now, if someone treats you like that, do you REALLY expect him to treat me ever-so nicely and forgiving after all of that?

Thanks, ladies, for the fore-warning! He has been terrible in the past, which is why I AM guarded and not rushing to spend time with him. But at the same time, I was pretty bad too... I promised to change about 10 times during our relationship and what it took me was losing him to actually want to. Him being sweet and turning on the charm, is actually a surprise. The only other time I can say he's done this is when we were "dating" back in September/October. There could be a few factors that lead to this re-coming around. 1. Trust -- I've known how to play piano since the third grade. During the whole time I was with him, I refused to play. I refused to play so strongly, he believed I was lying about my talent. Truth was, it's one of the few things I'm really good at and him being critical as he is, with the self esteem I had facing me, I rather have pulled out my own teeth than played for him. Now, he recently began talking to a friend of mine and found out I have been giving his daughter piano lessons. Not only that, my ex was so interested about this, he drilled my friend on how well I could play and the background on how he thought I lied. Little things like that. Plus, in the past, he made little effort to befriend my friends. Now he is, actually wants to spend time with them and doesn't mind talking about his feelings for me (he has to know this comes back to me, right?) 2. My attitude -- I confessed to him a week ago about a diet pill habit I could not stop. During this time, my head was so warped I couldn't even think straight. I've lost over 50lbs over that time, not to mention my self esteem. I have stopped, in January. Since then, a lot has changed with me. Even my self esteem has been improving a lot and I'm feeling like my old self every more each day. He was extremely supportive of me the other night when I told him about my plans to gain healthy weight and stop smoking. The usual ex would have laughed at me when I would mention the stopping-smoking, but he was really happy to hear about it. It took me six months to realize it was me that needed to change, not him. I've been on a path to self destruction since last year and could care less about myself or my health. I was always depressed, miserable, moody and not very fun to be around.

Thanks, octopus. There was a lot of resentment between the two of us in our relationship. I was very immature, I felt very self sacraficing, my self esteem took a blow (not from him but for numerous reasons), and I blamed him, I resented him. And the more I acted coldly towards him, the more he resented me. Our communication wasn't so great, instead of talking, or releasing my feelings... I just let them build up, or I hassled him, or even caused fights. We have talked about it. Everything between us is so right -- our attraction, our hobbies, things we like, things we don't like, things we want out of a relationship, you name it.. it's there -- but when it comes to talking and working with each other, there's all this grey area. Lately, we've been talking without fighting. We've been agreeing and even laughing about some of the drama in the past. It's almost like we're slowly trying to let go of all that resentment and try to work FOR each other. For example, the other day, we both named something about the other we didn't like/or have done, what we could do to change that and how it made us feel. Usually, there's a lot of name calling and finger pointing, but instead, we were getting somewhere. PS - I did not get to see him Sunday. We were hit with 20" of snow over the weekend.

Lady Bugg - I've read it and reccommended to a number of people. Everyone suspicious of his actions... yes, it's suspicious. But if he can't change, then I guess I can't either? I treated him awful for months before our break up, so I'm on the fence with this. I believed I could change, I did. I'm not saying he instantly changed either, rather just is starting to turn around. And I'm pretty set on the idea of him being so angry towards me at times is resentment against me with what I've done in the past. And about the sex & company -- the past few times I have seen him, no sex. In the past when we would see each other, there were quite a number of times when we didn't have sex. To be honest, there were times when he's actually rejected ME for sex. As far as I know, he has been spending time with another girl. And his social life is busier than it's ever been, so I'm not so sure it's just about the company. Mstyiyd - thanks for the advice. The past month, I haven't jumped to answer the calls, even picked up told him I'd call back and didn't till hours later. The more I pulled back, the more he pushed through.

I know a lot of you have followed my drama with my ex-boyfriend. I know a lot of you boo'd the fact I would even be friendly towards him, considering our past and how he has behaved. (A brief background) - Our break up has lasted six months. We have been lingering on this for forever, it feels. Sometimes we'll be intimate, sometimes we'll just spend time as friends. The thing is, he never puts effort. He wouldn't call me back, he would never seem interested in me, he acted really shady, he would be angry over the smallest of things. Now, for the past two weeks, we have tried to be friends. It seems much more calmer now, only due to the fact that I'm going on with my life and it's been six months of drama that I can't handle anymore. I don't put in the effort. The other night, I actually confessed a deep secret to him. I told him it wasn't out to change things or fix things or even make them better, I just wanted to be honest. During our relationship, I had mood swings, paranoia and a temper of a crazy person -- that suffered our relationship and caused us to have the worst fights imaginable. I told him that three months into our relationship, I started taking pills (and I'm not talking over the counter) to lose weight. I wanted to stop, it screwed with my head, but the fear gaining weight and my self esteem was much worse. Now I'm underweight, 5' 7" and close to 110lbs, not to mention, without a boyfriend. This is where things start to change -- I have some stuff of his that he's been trying to get back. Instead of his usual and expected "just mail it", he's been really intent on meeting up. We text back and forth funny conversations, jokes. He calls me back, he calls when he says he will, and even spent the other night over the phone helping me with my college paper. Of course, theres a few days in between our conversations and sometimes a phone call will only last a minute (I've tried to make it short). He's asked to see me (his excuse was to get his stuff), I said I was busy. Then yesterday, pigs started flying, hell froze over and things became different for a change. We were texting back and forth, he asked if I could give him a haircut (yet again, I was busy). That was around 3 pm. I got home from work at 9pm and he calls me at 9:30pm. This is the first time, in months, that he has called me on his own, randomly. We talked for about a long time, really nice conversation, tells me how he really didn't feel like going out with his friends, bla bla. Stays in to talk to me instead. Not to mention, the whole conversation was based about me, how I'm doing and what's new with me. (He never asks about my life) Around the end of the conversation, I talked about how much I wanted to go snowboarding... his response is how much money he has for it, where to go, and basically inviting himself out with me. Then asks what I'm doing. I said I was sick and staying in, plus theres a snow storm going on. Then I said I had his favorite TV show on DVD (didn't even ask to hang out, just said I had it) He got really excited about it, told me he'd get in the shower right away, so we can watch it together. I had to tell him that it wasn't a good idea, I'm sick and I rather just go to bed early. We ended the conversation by making plans today. He told me to give him a call, so maybe we can go to a movie tonight. Nothing about his stuff, no excuses to give him a "haircut", just wanted to see me. Who knows why he's changed his tune. I can't remember the last time he's been this nice to me, given me this effort and been so interested in me. I can't tell you what I expect because I always expected him to be cold. He's even told me twice last week how he's trying to convince himself that his feelings are so chemical and he can control them. Maybe he's realizing there's no on and off switch?

Defintely. I have an ex that dumped me two years ago, really pushing to date me again. However, I am not over my recent ex and I don't even find the other ex remotely attractive anymore. But I think it would work. People grow and change. I'm not the same I was 5 years ago. It's almost like becoming a different person.

No Contact involves not even picking up the phone when he calls. I'm just concerned because you say you are gaining the power, but if you take a bigger look at it, he's still much bigger than you, power wise. This is why: 1. He is getting sex, having dates, totally uncommitted. If he wants to, he can go sleep with the next girl he sees and you cannot do one thing about it. Because, techincally, he's still single. Yes, you may be getting sex, but you want more than that. You want the relationship part. So he's getting everything he needs/wants and you are accepting the scraps. 2. If he told you not to move because he wanted to work on things -- you would probably stay behind. He most likely still sees power in making a decision for you, because he knows if he put his cards on the table, you'd accept. 3. You still got mad at breaking plans. This only proves how emotionally attached you are in this relationship. Thus, giving him power over your emotions. I am not back-lashing, I'm just saying... I've been there before, I thought I had it in control, and then I was hurt more than the first time. I just don't want that to happen to you.

There's no reason you "can't". Unless you are forced by gun point by him to perform sexual acts, maybe I'll understand. Maybe if you gave up the sex, you would get a clear view of what his REAL intentions are. I'm not saying he's using you, but theres a VERY good chance he is, for company and for physicality. But I was in your shoes once. I didn't want to give up the sex because it was the only real intimacy I got from him. He may say he's not seeing anyone, but what if some girl comes along and knocks you straight out of the water? How long are you willing to put up with the anxiety of "where you are going"?

Glad to have helped!!! You sound so much stronger than you have before, I'm really happy for you. I'm sure this will work out in the end, whatever the ending may be. The fact she respects you and you two left on a great note leaves doors open.

How about this... You guys hang out, go on dates, have fun, but no sex what so ever?

For years, I've been in school getting my degree with Psychology (mainly in relationship therapy). The one rule we have to abide by is HELPING the cilent with their choices. If a woman was cheated by her husband, your first reaction would be to say "DITCH THE LOSER!" but this woman really wants to work it out, give it another try. Now, she's asking advice on what to do. I cannot sit there and get angry that she won't ditch that loser. I have to sit there, work with her decision and help her through it. That's my two cents. I know it can be frustrating at times when people "don't take advice", but they are here for help, not for someone to tell them what to do.

It's 5 Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

You know what book to really get? It helped the hell out of me. It's called, "It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken". I downloaded it on my iPod and listened to the whole thing in one night. It's everything I needed to hear, seriously. Whatever you do, do not take the blame. We're human, we all make mistakes.