curlygirl47

I should add that I'll still be working in the same little town, but at least I won't be going to the same old places when I'm off work, and hopefully will rarely run into people who want to give me troubling information. I just go out to lunch every now and then with a colleage. The drive will be about 45 minutes, but I've driven longer than that to and from work before.

I'm hurt that he didn't want me to come over and help him --- but then he probably has somebody else to do that. Anyway, I'm giving that up to God, and I will try not to be embarrassed that I asked. I've asked twice, in fact, and I really think it was the only appropriate thing to do when he is in pain and when he came to visit me twice in the hospital a few weeks ago. I think it was taking the high road, even if he sees it as a desperate ploy to be with him. Anyway, he's right. It's probably for the best, and you're right --- I should take the money. I imagine he'll offer me the $500 again when he has the chance; that's how he is, and it is a good bit of furniture. So maybe I'll take it. Time to move, if all goes well tomorrow.

You'll see from my posting "Well, I had a great excuse" what happened about thirty minutes ago. I am not unscathed, but I didn't get emotional on the phone and I made a nice gesture, and then I got right to the point and didn't talk about the relationship at all. So, maybe I get a C grade on the NC instead of an F. I hope.

I can outrun people in this town who think they have to tell me who he was out with this weekend and how young she was and where else they've seen him, etc, and make me feel like hell. I can outrun seeing the places we've gone to together. I can outrun the memories of being together in the bed I'm still sleeping in right now. I can outrun some of it, at least. But more importantly, I'm making the move because there is nothing to do here but go to bars, and Columbia has all kinds of wonderful things to do and get interested in: social clubs, political coffee clubs, art clubs and classes, meditation classes, etc. I have to learn to do something besides go to bars; I have to find a better way to live, and I have to occupy my mind.

I am commiserating with you completely. See my post about breaking NC (it's the one that says "Well I had a great excuse"). And I fully admit that I was glad to have an excuse to call him and hear his voice, and that it made me secretly happy when he asked if he could have directions to my new place, but I'm not sure if he even meant it. He's been so cold and hot that I f---ing give up!!!! Let's hope all goes well tomorrow when I meet with the woman about my new apartment. Biggest worry: that she'll say "No pets." The ad doesn't say that, so I'm not going to mention it, but I have two cats.

I am moving to Columbia, away from this small town and away from Paul. I broke 6 days of no contact today to call and ask him if he would be interested in buying my furniture, which would give me enough money to pay the deposit on the new place. (He owns about 20 rental properties and frequently buys groups of furniture so that he can put them in the rentals.) I didn't realize that he just had a tonsillectomy this morning. I thought he had it earlier this week, and I was just going to leave a message, but he answered and sounded amazingly well. I couldn't believe he could even speak, but he said 3 pain pills helped him manage the pain for now. Anyway, he asked me a few questions, "So you're moving? Does your new place have furniture," etc? (It doesn't, but I'm just going to start all over, literally, and that's what I told him --- I'll buy an air mattress to sleep on, and that will be all I have for a while.) I don't really care; I've never had much, my furniture is not worth much, and I want out of this town with all its memories. He said he would give me $500 for all of it, but I said, "No, the amount of the deposit is $360, so I'll just take that. He called me a butthole (because I'm proud and stubborn), and then said he would do whatever he could to help, his truck or whatever, and I said I didn't need it. (I will probably get a small U-Haul and load up some of my boxes and just put the rest in storage.) I asked if he wanted me to come and stay with him (to care for him as he's recovering in the next few days), and he said that wouldn't be a good idea because he had too much on his mind. He then asked if the trade (the money for the furniture) came with directions to my new place, and he laughed. I'm not sure what he meant by that. I didn't really answer because I found the question confusing, since he had just said he wasn't comfortable being around me. What the hell? Anyway, he asked how I was, and I told him I have to have a biopsy, but other than that I'm okay. He said for me to let him know the results of the biopsy. He said twice it was good to hear from me, and I just said, "Yeah, thanks." His moods are so up and down, and I love him but he hurts me and pisses me off. Still, the buy-out on the furniture will mean that I can move to the new place, so whatever. I don't feel so good right now, but I'll deal with it. I think the move is a good idea. Speaking of changing moods, I may change my plans by tomorrow, but right now it feels right.

I think I posted earlier this morning and said I was going to have a better day. Well, I've had some good moments, but at this point I'm actually feeling nauseous with sadness and regret. Sadness for the obvious reason and regret because I may have lost any chance of getting back with my ex because of my pathetic behavior a few weeks ago. Even as I write that, though, it reminds me that I am not on the "getting back together" forum anymore, and that should not be my goal. I am trying to heal and take care of myself. So, let me see what positive thoughts I can come up with for today. I need a distraction because I have a nearly overwhelming urge to call my ex right now. I can practice unconditional love, which means not calling somebody who wants time away from me. I can pray and keep reminding myself to turn my life and my problems over to God.

Um, YOU were in the bar, and you are a good person. Whether a person is in a bar or not does not necessarily indicate that the relationship won't work or that he or she is a bad person. My husband and I went to church all the time and we never went to bars, and the marriage still failed. I've never understood that comment about meeting people in bars. You meet people wherever you go, and you don't necessarily fall in love with somebody at a social club just because you go there. You fall in love when you fall in love. I mean, do what you want, but just remember that you were in the bar too.

It always bewilders me when I hear stories like this, of women who ridicule men for being sensitive and say things like "take it like a man". What the hell???? I think it is so beautiful when a man cares enough to cry --- it has very rarely happened with the men in my life, but it would make me feel so much better if sometimes they did express their sadness, if they were, in fact, man enough to cry without shame, to love without limitations, to admit their vulnerability. Don't you dare ever feel a minute of embarrassment over what you've done. This girl sounds like a cold-hearted person who doesn't know how to love deeply herself, or is afraid of her own emotions and anyone else's. Some of us are looking for men just like you!!

I believe that your ex probably didn't think he was good enough for you, deep inside. This has happened to me more than once, unfortunately. I can see that I actually create the situation, because I choose troubled guys, and I am so good and give so much and don't make a fuss, etc., and then they end up feeling guilty because they have hurt me --- and guilt doesn't make anybody feel good. I turn into a victim. It makes them want to run away. Coming from a troubled background myself, I can tell you that his feelings about love and relationships and his own self-worth are complex. He probably wanted to commit to you, be good to you, etc., but found that he was unable because of his own issues, including his regret and guilt over his past failures. I'm sorry you were hurt because of his insecurities; somehow we have to come to the point where we can realize that these guys just cannot or will not be who we want them to be. Part of my problem is the guys I choose --- I'm not sure if you will choose the same kind of guy again, but sooner or later we need to learn. I'm worried that I never will because I am 40, and I am always attracted to the same kinds of guys.

Yesterday was rough, but maybe today will be better. I am looking for an apartment in Columbia, SC where I moved from last year; I am closer to work here, but this small town is so full of memories of my ex, and of course my home is too, so I think I will be happier back in a bigger city where I can find a lot to occupy my mind and my time. If I have to, I'll try acupunture, hypnosis, biofeedback, whatever, to feel better than this. And I'm not kidding.

Yes, I know. My heart aches all the time, and I miss my ex's touch and smile and conversation terribly. But like Pam Tillis sings, "It's just one of those things that I can do nothing about." We can have hope that one day our sorrow will heal and in the meantime that we can govern our own behavior and act in unselfish love.

Oh, boy. I'm wearing shoes that don't require socks today --- so, I'm out of luck on that, too. I think I'd better just prepare better for next week, and do one of the other activities tonight. One step at a time. I can bear this sorrow and govern my own behavior. I just have to keep saying that to myself.

I mean, he said what we needed to resolve the questions about our relationship was time. He said "That doesn't mean I don't want to see you at all, but I don't think we should be intimate until I can commit to just being with you" (he hurt me badly by being with his ex-wife a couple of weeks ago, just a few nights after we were together). He went on to say, "I don't want to be the kind of man that you think I am (because of what happened)." So, he wants to do the right thing, and he doesn't know if he can do it, and he needs time to figure that out. He also said that I scare him because he has been able to handle everything in his life up until he met me, and I just overwhelm him. He says he is speechless, and that I am not like other women. He is frightened by the depth of his feelings for me. That doesn't make me feel much better when he goes out with a 20-year old girl, though, like he did this weekend. I didn't want to know, but somebody just had to tell me. He also said it would be soon (his decision about whether he can try again with me and give it all he's got and accept his fear, etc.) So I said bye and went to NC. He'll call eventually, I think, but I don't know when or what I will say or feel at the time. I'm miserable most of the time right now, but trying to carry on and do new things and meet new people.

Thanks, Annie. I might do that. The interesting thing is that we will be doing meditation. Isn't it difficult to do that in a long skirt? Maybe I don't understand how it all works. NJRon, the reason I can't do both is that they are at the same time. But I can try one this week and one next week. I really want to surrender to life and quit struggling so hard. I also want to find other sources of delight than my ex and memories of him. I appreciate your encouragement for these new activities.