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curlygirl47

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Everything posted by curlygirl47

  1. I should add that I'll still be working in the same little town, but at least I won't be going to the same old places when I'm off work, and hopefully will rarely run into people who want to give me troubling information. I just go out to lunch every now and then with a colleage. The drive will be about 45 minutes, but I've driven longer than that to and from work before.
  2. I'm hurt that he didn't want me to come over and help him --- but then he probably has somebody else to do that. Anyway, I'm giving that up to God, and I will try not to be embarrassed that I asked. I've asked twice, in fact, and I really think it was the only appropriate thing to do when he is in pain and when he came to visit me twice in the hospital a few weeks ago. I think it was taking the high road, even if he sees it as a desperate ploy to be with him. Anyway, he's right. It's probably for the best, and you're right --- I should take the money. I imagine he'll offer me the $500 again when he has the chance; that's how he is, and it is a good bit of furniture. So maybe I'll take it. Time to move, if all goes well tomorrow.
  3. You'll see from my posting "Well, I had a great excuse" what happened about thirty minutes ago. I am not unscathed, but I didn't get emotional on the phone and I made a nice gesture, and then I got right to the point and didn't talk about the relationship at all. So, maybe I get a C grade on the NC instead of an F. I hope.
  4. I can outrun people in this town who think they have to tell me who he was out with this weekend and how young she was and where else they've seen him, etc, and make me feel like hell. I can outrun seeing the places we've gone to together. I can outrun the memories of being together in the bed I'm still sleeping in right now. I can outrun some of it, at least. But more importantly, I'm making the move because there is nothing to do here but go to bars, and Columbia has all kinds of wonderful things to do and get interested in: social clubs, political coffee clubs, art clubs and classes, meditation classes, etc. I have to learn to do something besides go to bars; I have to find a better way to live, and I have to occupy my mind.
  5. I am commiserating with you completely. See my post about breaking NC (it's the one that says "Well I had a great excuse"). And I fully admit that I was glad to have an excuse to call him and hear his voice, and that it made me secretly happy when he asked if he could have directions to my new place, but I'm not sure if he even meant it. He's been so cold and hot that I f---ing give up!!!! Let's hope all goes well tomorrow when I meet with the woman about my new apartment. Biggest worry: that she'll say "No pets." The ad doesn't say that, so I'm not going to mention it, but I have two cats.
  6. I am moving to Columbia, away from this small town and away from Paul. I broke 6 days of no contact today to call and ask him if he would be interested in buying my furniture, which would give me enough money to pay the deposit on the new place. (He owns about 20 rental properties and frequently buys groups of furniture so that he can put them in the rentals.) I didn't realize that he just had a tonsillectomy this morning. I thought he had it earlier this week, and I was just going to leave a message, but he answered and sounded amazingly well. I couldn't believe he could even speak, but he said 3 pain pills helped him manage the pain for now. Anyway, he asked me a few questions, "So you're moving? Does your new place have furniture," etc? (It doesn't, but I'm just going to start all over, literally, and that's what I told him --- I'll buy an air mattress to sleep on, and that will be all I have for a while.) I don't really care; I've never had much, my furniture is not worth much, and I want out of this town with all its memories. He said he would give me $500 for all of it, but I said, "No, the amount of the deposit is $360, so I'll just take that. He called me a butthole (because I'm proud and stubborn), and then said he would do whatever he could to help, his truck or whatever, and I said I didn't need it. (I will probably get a small U-Haul and load up some of my boxes and just put the rest in storage.) I asked if he wanted me to come and stay with him (to care for him as he's recovering in the next few days), and he said that wouldn't be a good idea because he had too much on his mind. He then asked if the trade (the money for the furniture) came with directions to my new place, and he laughed. I'm not sure what he meant by that. I didn't really answer because I found the question confusing, since he had just said he wasn't comfortable being around me. What the hell? Anyway, he asked how I was, and I told him I have to have a biopsy, but other than that I'm okay. He said for me to let him know the results of the biopsy. He said twice it was good to hear from me, and I just said, "Yeah, thanks." His moods are so up and down, and I love him but he hurts me and pisses me off. Still, the buy-out on the furniture will mean that I can move to the new place, so whatever. I don't feel so good right now, but I'll deal with it. I think the move is a good idea. Speaking of changing moods, I may change my plans by tomorrow, but right now it feels right.
  7. I think I posted earlier this morning and said I was going to have a better day. Well, I've had some good moments, but at this point I'm actually feeling nauseous with sadness and regret. Sadness for the obvious reason and regret because I may have lost any chance of getting back with my ex because of my pathetic behavior a few weeks ago. Even as I write that, though, it reminds me that I am not on the "getting back together" forum anymore, and that should not be my goal. I am trying to heal and take care of myself. So, let me see what positive thoughts I can come up with for today. I need a distraction because I have a nearly overwhelming urge to call my ex right now. I can practice unconditional love, which means not calling somebody who wants time away from me. I can pray and keep reminding myself to turn my life and my problems over to God.
  8. Um, YOU were in the bar, and you are a good person. Whether a person is in a bar or not does not necessarily indicate that the relationship won't work or that he or she is a bad person. My husband and I went to church all the time and we never went to bars, and the marriage still failed. I've never understood that comment about meeting people in bars. You meet people wherever you go, and you don't necessarily fall in love with somebody at a social club just because you go there. You fall in love when you fall in love. I mean, do what you want, but just remember that you were in the bar too.
  9. It always bewilders me when I hear stories like this, of women who ridicule men for being sensitive and say things like "take it like a man". What the hell???? I think it is so beautiful when a man cares enough to cry --- it has very rarely happened with the men in my life, but it would make me feel so much better if sometimes they did express their sadness, if they were, in fact, man enough to cry without shame, to love without limitations, to admit their vulnerability. Don't you dare ever feel a minute of embarrassment over what you've done. This girl sounds like a cold-hearted person who doesn't know how to love deeply herself, or is afraid of her own emotions and anyone else's. Some of us are looking for men just like you!!
  10. I believe that your ex probably didn't think he was good enough for you, deep inside. This has happened to me more than once, unfortunately. I can see that I actually create the situation, because I choose troubled guys, and I am so good and give so much and don't make a fuss, etc., and then they end up feeling guilty because they have hurt me --- and guilt doesn't make anybody feel good. I turn into a victim. It makes them want to run away. Coming from a troubled background myself, I can tell you that his feelings about love and relationships and his own self-worth are complex. He probably wanted to commit to you, be good to you, etc., but found that he was unable because of his own issues, including his regret and guilt over his past failures. I'm sorry you were hurt because of his insecurities; somehow we have to come to the point where we can realize that these guys just cannot or will not be who we want them to be. Part of my problem is the guys I choose --- I'm not sure if you will choose the same kind of guy again, but sooner or later we need to learn. I'm worried that I never will because I am 40, and I am always attracted to the same kinds of guys.
  11. Yesterday was rough, but maybe today will be better. I am looking for an apartment in Columbia, SC where I moved from last year; I am closer to work here, but this small town is so full of memories of my ex, and of course my home is too, so I think I will be happier back in a bigger city where I can find a lot to occupy my mind and my time. If I have to, I'll try acupunture, hypnosis, biofeedback, whatever, to feel better than this. And I'm not kidding.
  12. Yes, I know. My heart aches all the time, and I miss my ex's touch and smile and conversation terribly. But like Pam Tillis sings, "It's just one of those things that I can do nothing about." We can have hope that one day our sorrow will heal and in the meantime that we can govern our own behavior and act in unselfish love.
  13. Oh, boy. I'm wearing shoes that don't require socks today --- so, I'm out of luck on that, too. I think I'd better just prepare better for next week, and do one of the other activities tonight. One step at a time. I can bear this sorrow and govern my own behavior. I just have to keep saying that to myself.
  14. I mean, he said what we needed to resolve the questions about our relationship was time. He said "That doesn't mean I don't want to see you at all, but I don't think we should be intimate until I can commit to just being with you" (he hurt me badly by being with his ex-wife a couple of weeks ago, just a few nights after we were together). He went on to say, "I don't want to be the kind of man that you think I am (because of what happened)." So, he wants to do the right thing, and he doesn't know if he can do it, and he needs time to figure that out. He also said that I scare him because he has been able to handle everything in his life up until he met me, and I just overwhelm him. He says he is speechless, and that I am not like other women. He is frightened by the depth of his feelings for me. That doesn't make me feel much better when he goes out with a 20-year old girl, though, like he did this weekend. I didn't want to know, but somebody just had to tell me. He also said it would be soon (his decision about whether he can try again with me and give it all he's got and accept his fear, etc.) So I said bye and went to NC. He'll call eventually, I think, but I don't know when or what I will say or feel at the time. I'm miserable most of the time right now, but trying to carry on and do new things and meet new people.
  15. Thanks, Annie. I might do that. The interesting thing is that we will be doing meditation. Isn't it difficult to do that in a long skirt? Maybe I don't understand how it all works. NJRon, the reason I can't do both is that they are at the same time. But I can try one this week and one next week. I really want to surrender to life and quit struggling so hard. I also want to find other sources of delight than my ex and memories of him. I appreciate your encouragement for these new activities.
  16. "The only cure for love is to love more." I take this in at least two different ways. One is, just keep on trying, calling, asking, writing, until you finally wake up and realize this isn't working and try something different (as in letting go, doing no contact, moving to Siberia, whatever). The second interpretation is that to love more means that I want my ex to be happy above all else and to be free to love whomever he chooses in this life (because isn't that my greatest gesture of love for him?) Right now I'm working on that second interpretation and holding it tight. When a nosy someone told me information about my ex that I didn't want to know (who he was out with this weekend and how young she was), I said, "Well, I love P. and I want him to be happy." God help me to mean that and to accept whatever he has to do to be happy in this life, even if it means that he never wants to see me again. I wish you comfort in your suffering. I wish you relief and rest and hope.
  17. Well, the whole concept of detachment is fundamental to Buddhist studies, if I understand it correctly. So I'll be on the road to freeing myself with both the AA concepts and the Buddhist principles. I'm also going to work with a counselor on my dependency issues. One way or the other I'm going to get better, damn it! I just checked the Buddhist priory info again, and you can't wear jeans, which rules me out for today. I don't have time to go home and change and drive 45 minutes to get to the priory. I'll have to do that on a day when I am appropriately dressed. So, I found two other activities that I can do. One is a creative arts group, "The Artists' Way," held at a women's community center called The Grand Goddess. The other is a "progressive coffee" group, which is kind of politically based but they have music, open mic, and lively conversation. I'm into progressive political ideas, so what do you think? Any advice on which group I should go with. The first one is women only, so that would rule out meeting any men, which I think I should be trying to do even though I don't feel like it.
  18. I'm so glad you shared what's on your heart. I actually said as much to my ex the other day, and I added, "The only thing that comforts me a little is that I tried to do the best I could." He said, "you did everything you could. You've been nothing but good to me." So, that's probably what your ex would say, if she really thought about it. There's someone who loves me this way, too --- and I don't love him in the same way. So, I've tried to express many times how wonderful he is and how I wish things could be different, and how grateful I am for his love, etc. But it doesn't take away his pain, and I long for him to find true love that makes him happy. I also said to my ex the other day, "I'll just have to find a way not to love you anymore." That's how I feel, alternately with, "I'll never get over this."
  19. And wavering a little. Today I wanted to call or e-mail a short message about something of mine that the ex has --- and I nearly convinced myself to do it, because I wasn't going to write anything, but "P, when you have time, will you leave X on my porch." But the truth is I was hoping he would respond with something more, which means I have expectations and hopes ---which means, "Don't do it!" And I kind of wanted to make sarcastic remarks about who he was out with this weekend (a really young girl), which is useless and makes me look like a jealous, insecure fool with no life of my own. After all, I can go out with young guys if I wanted to; I'm just not interested in boys. So I'm doind the mantra, "let the chips fall where they may." So far so good, and I'm trying to keep busy and remember that I actually feel better about myself since I haven't been calling or talking to him. Duh!
  20. The person then went on to tell me, more than once, I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings. I know it does. I didn't mean to hurt you. I thought you should know, and so on. Good grief!!! I just said very little and tried to eat my pizza, but my appetite was gone. Today: I went to an AA meeting at lunch and we talked about making a conscious decision to turn our will and our lives over to God as we understand him. I think this is a very important thing for me to do, as I feel tremendous pressure to handle everything in my life, and the emotional burden on my shoulders feels so heavy. I am going to work on this step. I also got a call today from someone I was in the hospital with, and that was very encouraging. More advice from Instant Karma, for me and for anybody who can use it: Let the chips fall where they may. Respond to rudeness with kindness. Allow yourself to be vulnerable because you are strong. Yield Learn to recognize desires but not be controlled by them.
  21. Someone just had to run over and tell me that she saw my ex out with a very young girl (19-20, just a baby, she said) on Saturday night. He is 42. This was of course painful to me and humiliating. I am trying to just take one day at a time with this thing. After the woman told me what I didn't want to hear, I left that bar and went to another place and had a pretty good time. Today I am trying to believe that it has nothing to do with me, that I am good enough and pretty enough and all that. He is an extremely insecure man, so my brain tells me that this is just another way that he is trying to boost his ego --- but it still hurts. Enough of that. Here's what I'm doing to get better. I'm going to a Zen Buddhist Priory this evening (my first time) for scripture recitation, meditation, Vespers, and class. I'm also writing in my journal, writing to my counselor via e-mail, and trying to put into practice some of the suggestions in my Instant Karma book, such as: Remember that anything can happen at any time Develop many interests outside of work Believe that life is worth living, and everything matters Stop viewing time as the enemy Accept your experiences, even the ones you hate Free yourself from fear Do the very best you know how, the best you can I hope everyone has a good day and knows how wonderful you are.
  22. My conscience is bothering me today really bad because I said some vicious, below the belt, private things about my ex to two other people at the bar when I was hurt, angry, and drunk. I am ashamed of doing that, despite how he has hurt me. My mother taught me to take the high road, and I really took the low road that time. I have already told one of the people that I regret saying what I did, and I'll tell the other one the next time I see him. It may be too late, and what I said may get back to P. If it does, it will hurt him terribly --- perhaps more than anything else I could have said. I just wanted to admit this to you guys because in our pain we can be just as cruel as those who hurt us if we are not careful --- and we have to live with those regrets. I imagine those who hurt us have regrets, also.
  23. You're right, Orlander. I need to stay away from painful memories. P. is a suffering individual, tortured really, or he would never have hurt me the way he has. And he was truly tender when I was in the hospital.
  24. Thanks, NJRon --- it helps me to know there are other "suckers" around. Hey, my ex is one, in fact. I had the satisfaction of saying to him, the other day: "You've thrown away something so beautiful and sweet --- and for a woman who screwed around on you. She'll do it again, too. But I guess that's your choice." (He slept with his ex-wife a couple of weeks ago). So he was a sucker, too. Everybody plays the fool sometime. And, by the way, he's NOT going back to the ex. She has just been coming on hard and heavy, and he had a weak moment. He has told her that it was a mistake, and that he has deep feelings for me. So she's a sucker, too. I guess what goes around comes around, sooner or later.
  25. The NC is so hard for the first few days, but then strangely you begin to feel better and more confident with each day. Or at least, I do. There is still the occasional nagging feeling of "I wish he'd call" or "are we never going to talk again?" but you can push that away and remind yourself that you are in control. That said, this is about my 4th or 5th try at NC. I did it for 13 days once, and then the ex called, and we started things up again, in our roller-coaster way. He never committed to me, though, and what it all boils down to is I'm back to NC again after allowing myself to get into a terrible state a few weeks ago, where I revealed to him my uttermost weakness and created in him a sense of guilt and pity and gave him all kinds of power. After he hurt me by sleeping with his ex, I fell apart completely, and I was drinking so much and taking too many sleeping pills (and I still couldn't sleep) and was in such bad shape I had to check myself into the hospital. Talk about a disaster. He came to see me twice in the hospital and told me later that he was sick the entire time I was in there because he felt responsible. Now, isn't that a lovely story? But you know what? I'm not going to waste my time feeling bad about it now. I WAS sick with depression, and he DID contribute to my problem. So, now I'm better and I let him know that I can make it with him or without him, and this is the 4th day of NC this go around. My focus isn't on getting him back, now ---it's on healing. But I can tell you this: I would have had an easier time getting him back if I hadn't fallen apart. Now, he's terribly afraid of hurting me even more. Still, all things said and done, he would have hurt me either way, if he hasn't got his own problems worked out.
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