curlygirl47

You might have already seen my post somewhere else, but I blew it and ended up calling my ex after mostly sleeping off a drunk (I slept five hours), and asking if I could come over. Now I never do that --- I don't call, and I don't ask to come over, but damn it I did it last night, and I even cried some. He said it wasn't a good idea because his son was there, even though when we were officially together, I spent the night there about a dozen times when his son was there. Well, anyway, I guess it's not the end of the world. He has called me in the middle of the night drunk a few times too, wanting to come over (both times I wasn't home) --- so I'll just consider it a tumble and get back to the business of NC EXCEPT that I have to see him today because my cat is very sick (bleeding from below) and I can't afford the vet, so the ex is paying. I can't let my kitty die because I'm too proud to take the money, and there is no one else to lend me the dough. So, Solo, I played the fool --- maybe I won't do it again anytime soon.

I read some of that advice recently, too --- and I'm glad you shared it. It's from a preacher, but I can't remember his name. Among the quotes from his "Let it Go for 2006" are: "If someone can walk away from you, let him or her walk." "Our destiny is never tied to someone who left." "If they had been for us, they would never have left us." "They left us because they were not joined to us." The bottom line, Let it Go! There are days when I can accept these teachings and other days when I go more for the unconditional loving, open-hearted approach. I just count it all as learning as we go.

Calgary, I'm sure you did better than me. I got drunk, went home and slept it off, and still ended up calling the ex, asking to come over. I have never done this since the break up back in December. I got all needy and basically pathetic, but hey --- he's called me in the middle of the night a couple of times in a needy sort of state, too --- so I'm going to write it off as a relapse and start again. I can't do no contact today because my cat is seriously sick (bleeding from below), and I don't have the money to take her to the vet and no one else to help me financially, so the ex is going to pay. I'll pay him back on payday. If I'm not dependent one way, it seems I'm dependent in another, but I can't let my kitty die because I'm too proud to take the ex's money. Oh, and by the way, he said it wasn't a good idea for me to come over last night because his son was there, even though when we were together I spent the night at least a dozen times when his son was there. Go figure. I'm feeling stronger today, and I will keep the contact friendly and non-emotional and say as little as possible, and go back to NC tomorrow. I'm not going to beat myself up too bad for this. What's the point?

Okay, I hear you, and you have made me feel much better about my decision. I'm leaving work now, and going to have a few drinks with some single friends and then sooner or later the day will be over and I can start fresh tomorrow. As for you, don't leave me! Just kidding, but you sound like somebody who would be a wonderful friend and a true-blue love for some lucky woman. Talk to you tomorrow.

Calgary, You're just the cutest guy I've ever seen, and a hex upon your ex for not seeing that and being here to spend the best Valentine's Day of her life with you. That said, I'm getting drunk too, and secretly hoping my ex will call even though I told him goodbye last night.

Thanks, Solo. I'm trying to hang in there. My friend is playing some jazz music on his computer, and that sounds kind of comforting. I have to find comfort where I can.

You've come a long way over the past few weeks, so I guess I can do that too. I'm just starting all over. But at least I did show that I had some self-respect (and, by the way, P. said he has tremendous respect for me). Okay, let me get back to work. I swear I hardly want to do anything but stay on this forum and crawl into the bed or drink myself silly today. I need to work on the California job application and also look at some others.

I'm going to try to remember your words: yesterday is history, today is a blessing, and tomorrow is a mystery, because the blues are falling hard on me today. I keep thinking that maybe we were making progress after all these last few weeks, though it was sporadic --- he did come back after 13 days of NC, and he was expressing how much he missed me and planning trips with me, etc. I'm so afraid I really messed up by doing the ultimatum thing (you can't see me when you're seeing other women, which is more or less what I said). I'm going to drive myself crazy with this. And, confession time: I went by his house today (which I never do), and left some rose petals in a basket with a Betty Boop valentine (because he calls me Betty Boop) and a note that said, "I'm sad today. If you think there is anything we can do, please call me. And Happy Valentines Day to you, love. I miss you so much." I just couldn't sit still in my sadness today, and I wanted to make a last ditch effort to say "I'm willing to listen if you have an idea." Plus, he had bought me something for Valentine's Day, but I implied I didn't want it last night. So I wanted to make a little effort to give him something. This hurts so much! I'm back to square one. Well, I've got two more hours at work, and then I'm going to have a few drinks with friends and go home and read, I guess. The endless monotony of my days without P. is relentless, no matter what I do.

Can it really be only 11:24 a.m.? Will this day ever end? If you read my post, you'll see that I dumped my ex formally after about a month of on-again, off-again, with him basically not treating me the way he should. I did this last night, and I'm already doubting myself and feeling the misery of not getting to see him, even on his terms. It seems like it was better than nothing. Well, I need to get through today and see how I feel about it all tomorrow, on a "regular" day. 1st day NC is hellish, and especially on this day.

I was afraid you would frown on my "wearing my heart on my sleeve" to the ex. But, really, I'm glad I didn't put on an act. This is the real me, and damn it, he'll have to love me the way I am or forget it. So ... Valentine's Day or not, I've got work to do. My best to you, and I hope you get some love today!

Most of us are in your shoes. I did NC for about two weeks, and the ex started showing interest again, but then he was up and down, so I did NC for about five days, then broke it, and ended up breaking off with him on my terms. I've started NC again today. It's hellish in a way, and a relief in a way. Just know that we are here with you, and when those old missing her feelings come around, get on here and write about it. I feel like I won't ever love again, and I'm not interested in other guys, so I know how you feel. Let's just keep talking and see what happens. I generally try to go out for a little while every day, just hang out at a bar or go to a movie --- but I am spending a lot of time alone --- too much, really, lying around in the bed feeling sorry for myself. I guess that's just part of it. Happy Valentine's Day from another broken heart, and hang in there.

Don't date them both without either of them knowing. They will find out, and they will deeply resent you --- and you'll probably get dumped by both of them. Hearing your story makes me wonder about my ex, who dated and apparently adored me during the four months we were together, and then started talking about getting back together with his ex and split with me. I didn't ask any questions, but I think he tried to be with her briefly, and it didn't work out. Since then, things haven't been the same with us because I resent what he did and he feels guilty. This is in spite of the fact that we really are crazy about each other. So --- do what you have to, but you may really be blowing it with this new woman, who sounds like she's spectacular.

And I didn't take my own advice, so ... I'm busted. I ended up calling my ex and talking about my feelings and the relationship, etc. And then, as you can see from my post, I told him I couldn't keep seeing him under these "friendly" terms. I don't know if I did the right thing --- somewhere in the back of my head I'm thinking it was better to keep him near me every now and then rather than never see him at all. But I think I could still see him if I called him up in the near future, so ... I'm just going to keep trying to move on (and be alone, because I don't want another guy) and see how I feel in a week or two.

I couldn't do things exactly according to the Perfect Plan; I just didn't have it in me, and this way felt more natural and more like me --- but I didn't cry or even sniffle, and I was very calm and together.

I was trying to do NC for two weeks before making a final decision, but the whole Valentine's build-up was getting to me, and then the ex called to tell me he had something small for me for V-Day "because you're a sweetheart," and I just decided I needed to do this now. So I called him up and asked him if he had anything to say to me, and he kind of beat around the bush and just kept saying that his feelings were telling him one thing (he wants to be with me) but his head was saying another (he's "just not ready"), so I finally said, "Okay. Well, I don't want to just be one of the women you sleep with, P. I don't want to be one of your "friends" --- you've got plenty of friends. I can be alone; I've been alone for a long time anyway. But I'm not going to have you in my bed knowing you are also going to bed with other women (he said, "I haven't been doing that, T.) I didn't respond. I'm also leaving town because I don't want to be here and run into you with other women, etc. He said that he wished I wouldn't do that, but I assured him I will, as soon as I can find a job. I said I won't be leaving for at least 2 1/2 to 3 more months, so if anything changes, let me know. Otherwise, let's just stay on our opposite sides of town, and I would appreciate it if you didn't bring a date into the one bar at which I now hang out --- you can have the rest of the town and all the places we used to go. Please just show me a little respect, as I'm not going to be getting over this anytime soon. When I love, I love hard, I don't hold back, and I don't just get over it and move on to the next guy. I hope that you and T. (his son) are very happy and that you find the kind of life and love and happiness that you want. I ended by saying that last Monday night when we were together was a wonderful happy time and that all of our trips to Aiken and all of our time together were great memories for me, and that I couldn't imagine being any happier, and that I hoped he would take that knowledge with him. I don't know how I feel about this today; I'm up and down. In a way I feel lighter, not having any expectations (but do I really not have any?) I guess there will always be some hope --- until I leave town, anyway. But at least I won't feel like I'm waiting around for the next time he wants to see me and then not call for a week or two. I let him know how much that hurt, and that it was wrong and inconsiderate. He listened very patiently and quietly and agreed with me and said that he needed to hear everything I had said. God, I hope I made the right decision. On the other hand, if I wanted to change my mind, I think he'd see me again. So maybe I actually got some power by doing what I did. I don't know. Happy Valentine's Day to all of you --- let's just spread as much love as we can today and get the day over with quickly, huh?

This fellow was happily married for thirteen years, and lived with his wife for four years before that --- so clearly one woman can be enough for him. He was very hurt in his divorce. I'm not defending some of the crappy things he's done to me, but he's not a terrible person or a "dog." All that said, this is Day 5 of No Contact, the sadness has come back, but I'm doing okay.

I hope everything goes well. According to somebody famous whose name I can't remember, "The only cure for love is to love more."

Why not try being loving and focusing on her needs (if you want her back). Say nothing about yourself or about the relationship. Just maybe, "How are you?" "It sounds like you're having a hard time, etc." I know I'm the odd woman out here, but I'm a firm believer that being a jerk won't get her back, if that's what you want, ultimately. Again, though, I wouldn't say much about your own feelings or what you've been doing --- so she'll be curious.

Well, how about this instead. This is what I would say to my ex if I didn't think I'd regret it. "You are incredibly selfish, inconsiderate, and untrustworthy. The way you have treated me in the past 6 weeks is unacceptable. You have taken something beautiful, honest, good, and sweet, and trampled it underneath your feet and then spit on it for good measure. Why did you have to ruin everything??? Come and get your stuff out of my storage shed and then I don't want to hear from you or see you again." And I'd like to throw a few things while I'm at it --- namely, throw the whole basket of items he has given me in his direction and just let them fall all around him in the yard --- make a real Jerry Springer show, a complete fit. I'd like to have a dozen pizzas delivered to his house, from different companies. I'd like to spread a rumor that he's a lousy lover. I'd like to take out an ad in the paper and reveal his secrets. And I could go on, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you the really nasty things I'm tempted to do. The bottom line, though, is that none of these things has anything to do with love, and I don't want to act in a way that is ultimately damaging to me and to him. So I need to get a grip on my anger and redirect it. It's just that I'm surprised by the ferocity of my feelings, when up until now I'm just been enveloped in sadness and despair. I wonder if my meds are doing something to my amygdala. I don't want to turn into the Incredible Hulkess

Well, obviously some of you are right about P. still having power over my emotions, because last night and today I have felt so angry because I haven't heard from him --- this habit of bailing on me whenever he gets uncomfortable is infuriating. But I am trying to re-focus on what I want and to remember that it is his loss; he had someone who was devoted to him and never doubted him. Now, he has put me in a completely different frame of mind. There is little trust, and I clearly can't depend on him to be consistent from one day to the next. I don't like him so much right now, and I guess that's a good thing. I'm concerned about my anger, because I never know what to do when I'm angry and I feel it building. Maybe I'll take a walk or scream into my pillow or break a few plates.

I really like it that you emphasize my ability to choose for myself. Listening to good advice is important --- considering it is important --- taking away some jewels of practice for my life and decision making is important, but ultimately I'm the one who had/have the relationship and have to decide what I can live with and what I can't. I didn't like my life before P. very much; I haven't in a long time. I was lonely, and I never seemed to connect to any guys. With all his flaws, P. is still often very tender, open, and giving. He wants to love and be loved.

We'll see about that move. I have to find a job first.

According to the Perfect Plan, NC doesn't necessarily mean not responding to your ex's attempts to contact you. Anyway, let's call it no effort on my part. Also, I should clarify that I was angry not because P. broke our plans but because of his response to the woman's phone call --- specifically, what he said to her, which was lame, and that he didn't talk to me about it until the next day. I was very clear to him at that time what he should have said to the woman if he intended to stop the rumors and make things right between us, publicly. You say he still has control --- yes, he still has some, but much less. I am feeling less emotionally vulnerable to him, and I am recognizing his limitations (one of which is that he is as emotionally vulnerable as I am, or more, he just handles it in a different way). I think he is, in fact, extremely insecure, which he hides by bravado and distance. If you knew how often he asked me, even when we were dating regularly, "Why do you like me?" "Are you sure you are as crazy about me as you say?" "Do I satisfy you?" (this is said nearly every time in bed, and sometimes out of bed) "Are you going to just suddenly move away and leave me?" "Are you going to leave me for a woman?" (after I confessed to a one-time episode with a woman). He was also so jealous in the beginning that he threatened to break a guy's leg just because he stood too close to me and "disrespected" him.

By the way, I'm back on No Contact as far as I'm concerned. I'll make no further efforts with P. unless he contacts me.

I felt as good as you did about it, Scout, and you did inspire me to go. And it was terrific the way P. responded, calling me while I was on the trip and getting all anxious about it. (That's a little mean-spirited, but hey it did him good, too.) And I spent more time with my father, who has had a big role in the way my life has turned out and some of the choices that I have made in regard to men. He was a drunk, abusive, and unfaithful husband to my mother, and he set me off in life with a skewed vision of what love should be like and can be like. He is a much better person, now, but we were estranged for nearly twenty years, so we are really just getting to know each other. My relationship to him and my view of him is very important in my emotional healing and in my ability to improve my relationship skills with other men. Interestingly, when P. didn't call or take me out for New Year's Eve, I ended up going to Dad's then, too, and got a kiss from my dad and my daughter at midnight to bring in the New Year.