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curlygirl47

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Everything posted by curlygirl47

  1. curlygirl47
    Well, tonight I've got the blues pretty bad. I went out for a little while but it didn't help, so I thought I'd come back to my office and check in with you guys. (I don't have the internet at home right now). Here's something from The Art and Practice of Loving that I just read: "You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair." Chinese proverb "Crises are so dramatic and your internal voices are so compelling that you forget you can get offstage and witness what is happening from a seat in the audience. The moment you notice you are in a crisis, try to get out of the drama and into the role of witness. Watch the actors, including yourself, and listen to their internal voices." "Crises are the worst times for making decisions or taking important actions. When you are hurt, frightened, angry, depressed, and bombarded with unloving voices, do not act on them --- let them be. Act later, when you are peaceful enough to be in touch with a full range of values and considerations. When action cannot wait, do nothing drastic. Take minimal actions that get you through to a time when you are poised again, able to think, feel, and choose clearly." (This next part seems to contradict the above a little, but ...) "Crises are fed by emotionally loaded memories of the past and projections into the future. So stop interpreting and stop projecting. Focus on what you are seeing, hearing, feeling right now. Whatever the crisis, there is something, the next step, waiting to be done. Chop wood, run around the block, love somebody."
  2. curlygirl47
    I'm getting into a routine of going home from work, doing my walk, relaxing a bit, getting a shower and going out for a bit. It's kind of a comforting routine. Sometimes I go to my (girl) friend's house for a while or even spend the night. She's really the first close friend I've made here besides my ex, who was basically my world outside of work.
  3. curlygirl47
    In the past 4 or 5 years, I have at times fantasized about hurting myself, but I have never done anything until last week. When I did what I did last week, which though it sounds terrible and was a dramatic situation, did not result in any serious damage --- I was in a state of panic and feeling abandoned and alone in the world; I was drinking Jack Daniels straight (which I never do either), taking pills, doing anything to stop the terrible feelings --- and I couldn't get any relief, so I finally became so frustrated that the temptation to hurt myself and maybe shock myself out of where I was came about. Does any of that make sense?
  4. curlygirl47
    I'm forcing my optimism, so don't feel intimidated. I just really have to find a way to cope or I'm afraid I'm not going to make it. I hate to sound pathetic, but I actually tried to hurt myself twice last week. I've never done this before though I've thought about it. I tried cutting myself with a knife, on the wrists. I couldn't get the courage to do more than surface cuts, and it was really no big deal as far as damage goes --- except emotionally. I mean, this is extremely unhealthy behavior. It's about me not loving myself!!! Come on, we can get another loser by sundown. We've gotten stuck on these guys when the real issue is we have got to get a better view of ourselves and of this world and find a way to survive and be healthy. I have a beautiful 15 year old daughter who I want to see happy and in love and having babies, etc. I want to be around for that. I've got to get myself in an emotionally healthy state whether I ever have romantic love again or not.
  5. curlygirl47
    My ex actually seems to have low self-esteem and insecurity, which he hides with a lot of bravado and feel-good talk about himself. Ultimately, I think it was his fears about being left that made him leave me, but I can't say for sure. I have kind of low self-esteem, too, which is a problem I'm working on.
  6. curlygirl47
    I'm feeling a little more up today than yesterday, for sure. I'm trying a few positive affirmations from Positive Solitude because one of my problems is obsessive negative thoughts. I am purposely trying to avoid affirmations that have to do with my ex, so these are the ones I have for today: "There are many ways to accomplish my goals." "I am willing to try different approaches to life." "I can adapt to the changes life brings my way." I am writing in my journal every day and continuing to read from The Art and Practice of Loving. Some jewels from that book for today that DO pertain to the ex, when I get tossed about by thoughts of him: "Visualize yourself, the next time your approach this person, determined to look beyond his/her flaws, to value and enjoy his other features. Carry the visualization through to a satisfactory end. Visualization is a useful way of rehearsing an activity in advance that otherwise might be dominated by your old habits. Then, when you next confront this person, love him despite his flaws. He contains a gift --- the opportunity for you to love him and to learn to love in the process. It is just one challenge for loving out of an endless number of such challenges. Schedule acceptance breaks during the day in which you notice which features of life are not meeting your conditions for loving, and deliberately accept rather than resist them. In time, change these to loving breaks in which you determine to love whatever is in your life at the moment." I'm going to give it a shot.
  7. curlygirl47
    I went out last night to a bar that my ex frequents (and that we used to go to together) --- because it is very quiet in the early evening, and I can pretty much sit by myself in the back, watch TV (which I don't have at home right now), and just have the pleasure of observing people and listening to background music, etc. Just getting out seems to help me. I made sure my ex's truck wasn't there (he usually doesn't go out until later in the night), and then I just prepared myself mentally in case he arrived alone or with someone else. I planned to stay for about 30 minutes-hour, have a diet coke, and then go home. This way I take a low-moderate risk, I let myself be seen in public doing okay without him in a place where everybody knows the deal, smiling and looking my best, and I can still run home pretty quick. Well, the ex never came in, but some other people asked me to stay and hang out, play pool, sing, etc. and I did. I stayed until 11:30 and had a pretty good time! I danced and talked to some men, but I felt zero interest in dating anyone, so when they asked for a number, I told them I wasn't ready to date at the moment, having a little heartache right now. So, I survived the night at an "ex shared spot" --- it will make me a little stronger for the next time I "might" see him.
  8. curlygirl47
    Today makes 9 days NC. Maybe I don't feel as bad as I did yesterday, but it's still hard. I just try to keep moving and doing something to keep my mind off of it, other than coming to the forum for support.
  9. curlygirl47
    I feel like an alcoholic calling a sponsor --- I need a drink, don't let me do it! As this silence extends between me and the ex, I start to panic. Hopefully, ;he will also be panicking a little, though, if he has any time between juggling women. Damn that makes me mad. Okay, I know I don't need this. I am about to put dinner in the oven at a friend's house, and then I am going home to change and go for my 4-mile walk. I'll come back over here for dinner, and then I'll go out for a bit and socialize. Or at least sit at the bar and observe and be seen. You know what's funny. Just before I confirmed the breakup, a fellow was showing some interest in taking me out and had asked me to meet him and some friends at a local bar just to hang out --- well, I went, and when I got there he was waiting outside, so when we walked in it looked like we were together. My point is that one of the women who has seen P. out with other women and thinks he's a jerk for treating me that way said, "This fellow is so much cuter than P." And it's probably true. You know, P. dropped those "friends" (women he was sleeping with) when he met me, so obviously they weren't enough for him. And he stayed true blue with me for 4 months, so I had something he wanted. I hope today he is realizing that life without me might not be complete.
  10. curlygirl47
    I'm leaving my office for the day, and I don't have internet at home right now, so I won't be able to communicate until tomorrow. I wish I could check in with you later, because I know I'll be needing it --but I'll try to hang strong. I am having extreme physical withdrawal from my ex at this point.
  11. curlygirl47
    He's been divorced for a couple of years. The ex wants him back, though, as constantly shows up, cries, begs, pleads, etc. (though for a while she had somebody else and wasn't doing this --- this was in the early months of our relationship, so it seems directly tied to our falling apart) She started coming back around, and he started pulling back from me. The funny thing is, I'm not worried about her at all. I just don't see that working. I'm more worried about his need for other women and his disregard for me right now.
  12. curlygirl47
    Yes, in fact he joked that before me, his attitude was, "Pimpin' ain't easy." He would say that with a smug smile (you know, the old "I've got a lot of women hanging on me --- a lot of "friends"). He also told me, "I know who I can f--- and who I can love." He reminded me a few times during the relationship that other women were calling him and wanting to come by but he told them it wouldn't be a good idea because he was dating somebody. Today, I feel as if he has show disrespect for me to everybody --- his ex-wife, his son, his mother, and certainly these other people around town who see him acting like a fool and dissing me. It hurts so much! But at least I haven't let anybody see me cry, and I've made sure I got out and was seen surviving. (But I've been alone, which is not good for the image.) What the hell? I'm alone because I choose to be; I could get a guy, I just want P.
  13. curlygirl47
    I'd send it, but that's just me. I'm wondering if my ex got my letter to him that I stuck in his truck door 8 days ago. He never responded. Surely it didn't blow away? I'm wanting to write another little note and just say something sweet, but I won't do it right now. One thing that bugs me is that he told me there were girls he just didn't call back after he started dating me because he didn't know what to say. I told him I didn't want to be one of those girls, and I meant that. I told him he should say exactly what is going on and not be afraid to. So it kind of pisses me off to hear nothing, and it hurts, too.
  14. curlygirl47
    Ah ha. The desperate lover in me is so happy to hear that and hoping that my ex quickly realized his mistake, too, and is just too proud or afraid to say so. Did you try to see her during the time you were split? I am wanting to see my ex badly right now, and particularly wanting him in a sexual way (I don't want to be with anyone else).
  15. curlygirl47
    By the way, we were exclusive for 4 months, and this was the first time he has been exclusive with anybody since his divorce. Once when he was married he was unfaithful, and I know that it bothers him very much and that he worries he might be unfaithful again. Of course, I see his behavior right now as unfaithful, but that's because I'm in love with him and hurt.
  16. curlygirl47
    Oh boy the sex thing is incredibly hard. I don't think I can turn him down, but I can keep from calling him and telling him the truth, which is I want you right now, come over. And I can keep from going over there. If he comes to me, though --- and the weirdest thing is, I dont know if you've read my previous posts, but he has sexual problems, as in maintaining an erection. And I don't even care. I am totally into him and can deal with that problem. He's SO sexy in other ways, but he worried all the time about "satisfying me." He brought it up a lot. He also said the sex with me was "some of the best he'd had in his life, and he didn't care who I told that to." Now, here's what I don't get. How can someone who is insecure about himself sexually want to be having sex with more than one woman and revealing that problem? In case there is any question in your mind, I am 99% sure that this is not a problem with arousal or with lack of attraction to me or anything like that. He gets extremely aroused by me, in a flat minute. I noticed that he had a prescription for Viagra that he had long before dating me, and I've also noticed that even with the Viagra he's not exactly up and running like you would think. The only time I remember him having it going on like a charm was once when he did a line of cocaine when we were together. It freaked me out (the cocaine), but he only did it about once a month or so, apparently, and has now quit that and marijuana altogether as a New Year's resolution. Anyway, so you see how the sexual part is complicated. If I turn him down, it may increase the problem of insecurity on his part --- if that's psychologically part of the problem with him and me. He asked me some weird questions when we did the official break up, like "On such and such night, did you go an see somebody else?" and "Did you ever leave while I was sleeping?" Of course, the answer to these was an emphatic no, I never did and wouldn't want to. He clearly has some insecurities where I am concerned, but my God I've shown him how I feel about him and I'm dying to be with him right now. Do these other women reassure him somehow?
  17. curlygirl47
    Okay --- so as i said it's been 8 days. I should just assume he got the letter and carry on with my NC? I was doing so well today, but for the past hour or so I've gotten that sudden feeling of wanting to drop by and see him at work and just get a hug. I know exactly what he would do at first. He would say, "Hey, girl!" and give me a hug and said I look nice and ask how I'm doing. Then he would probably say I'm glad to see you, I've been meaning to call, etc. All of that I'm fairly certain about. It's what would happen next that is gray. So, I'll try to keep from doing it for the next 24 hours!
  18. curlygirl47
    Oh, to have the option of going back. Maybe just try looking at her and thinking about the old wonderful times? Can you have more of those? How do you feel about her now? How does she feel about you?
  19. curlygirl47
    In my letter, I re-addressed some things we had talked about at the "official" break-up, which occurred not this past Friday, but the Friday before. I initiated that conversation and confirmed the breakup because though we had been off and on for the past few weeks, and we had been intimate on the previous Saturday and spent the whole day together, he hadn't called me after that, and it had been 5 days. I'd just had enough of him doing that for the past few weeks, whereas before we had seen each other and talked to each other nearly every day for the past four months. So I wanted to clear things up. I told him at that time that I did not want the beautiful leather biker coat that he bought me for Christmas (which had been backordered and was about to come in) because though it had meant a great deal to me when he bought it and I had been so excited about having it and wearing it when we rode his bike, our relationship had changed, and having it without him would just make me sad. I also said that I wanted him to give it to someone he loved and whoever would be riding his bike with him, which seemed to hurt him. (I meant for it to). He also asked me "Don't you want to date a little more and figure out who's right for you?" And I said no, I'd had enough of dating (which is true) and that I wouldn't be dating because I didn't have the heart for it. After thinking these things through, though, I re-addressed them in the letter. I said that I didn't know if I'd made the right decision about the coat, and unless there was someone he wanted to give it to, he could maybe keep it and then if he decided to come and pick me up for a ride on the bike sometime, I would have it to wear at that time and would enjoy that. I also said that since he had mentioned that I should date other people, I had decided that I probably should. I would be here for at least three more months, and there was no point in shutting people out. (I said this so that just in case I do end up out on a date and he sees me, he wouldn't think I was lying to him about not dating. I also said it because people on the forum have said it's a good idea to let the ex know you're not just sitting around moping and that you are willing to consider other possibilities.) Finally, I said that he could come to see me if he wanted; that I would be happy to see him but I didn't want to tie him down or "paint him in the lines that I had drawn" (which is a line from a song). I ended the letter with a memory of a great time we had, and that was it. My one worry (which is remote) is that he didn't get the letter. There is the chance that it blew away because I stuck it in the door of his truck, and it rained just a tiny bit after that. But surely he got it, even if it was wet? I've wondered if I should ask, but I was afraid that would just seem like the old needy, "Did you get my letter" thing.
  20. curlygirl47
    He's certainly not acting like a nice guy right now, but I'm trying to remember that he has his best and worst sides like all of us, and he's a softie somewhere under all this crap he's putting on right now: I've seen it. I remember well when, on more than one occasion, when I would even get up to leave the bed or the room, he would say "Please don't go." From The Art and Practice of Loving: "Out of habit you search everything for flaws, and of course you find them. But because you want to love, and this object is worthy, and you do not want to give up on it, you stick a few conditions on your love: "I will love you if you get a better job." Now, by that you might mean that you will continue spending time with her if she gets a better job, but you also might mean that you will stifle any delight for her until she has a job with more pay and responsibility. If so, you are postponing loving by a bribe. Unconditional loving does not depend on the future --- it means responding to this, right here, right now, just as it is. It frees your beloved to grow, rather than bribing her by withholding your love until she grows in the direction you want."
  21. curlygirl47
    I'm reading yet another book, Positive Solitude, and here is a passage for us to think about: "In stressful situations, most animals exhibit the well-known flight or fight syndrome. They will either stay and do battle or attempt to escape. Humans are also adapted either to fight or flee. Intense loneliness is more closely associated with the propensity to flee. The anxiety of being thrust into a new life, not knowing where the next feedback fix may be coming from, can be enormous. Often your physical surroundings will evoke unhappy associations, and you will feel compelled to escape. The urge to flee is a primitive urge that during a loneliness crisis needs to be rationally considered before expensive commitments are made." On the other hand, another pitfall is "passivity. Making no changes in your life at all can be harmful. To visit the same old haunts, stick with the same friends, keep the same interests --- these pursuits may be necessary for you to maintain some sense of equilibrium and continuity for a period of weeks or a few months, but eventually you must realize that life is now different, that the decisions made during and for the relationship no longer need to be made or should be made. Activities once enjoyed together may not be as fulfilling for the self alone. They may even be occasions for mourning or wistful remembering. At a certain point you will want something more fulfilling for yourself." This is one of the big problems about living here in the same small town as my ex. There are only a few choices about where to go and what to do, and if I go anywhere, the likelihood of seeing him is very high in the near future.
  22. curlygirl47
    He got the letter eight days ago, by the way. Can't remember if I've mentioned that. Last night I had the strongest feeling he was missing me. My cell phone is out of service right now, so the only time he can call me is when I'm at work --- which is when he's at work and when he's least vulnerable. He tends to call when he's drunk.
  23. curlygirl47
    Have I already told you about the book How to Get Your Lover Back? Some people on the forum don't like it, but it's helped me a lot --- mostly to calm down and get out of that panicky mode when it hits me. And I do believe it helps you get in a better place mentally, and to understand what loving 100% while at all times honoring and respecting yourself means. Those are the two ultimate prescriptions of the book: At all times honor and respect yourself, and Love your ex 100%. Love includes "active concern for the needs of another person." Another thing that has helped me is the idea that "any positive contact with your ex that does not apply pressure is a good thing." Now, all that said, I am also listening to people on the forum who have been there and done that, and I am trying to balance it all out. I was the last to contact my ex, by sending him a letter after he called me at 2:56 a.m. and wanted to come over. I don't know if the letter upset him in some way, or if he's just thinking things over --- or if he doesn't care (but I doubt that), but for one reason or another I've heard zero from him. It's hard, but I'm trying to take this 24 hours at a time right now.
  24. curlygirl47
    Blues, We have a new day. What are we doing to do with it? Let's try this: visualize the happiest time you ever had with your ex. Imagine feeling like that again. If you need to, write a note to him and tell him only that you are remembering the time ... (name it). You don't have to send the note; it is just for reconnecting to something positive that you shared. It will give you a momentary relief from the pain and sorrow. Then, think about what you have to do to get to a point where you could ever feel that way again --- with him or with anyone else, and go in that direction. I'm preaching to myself here, also. I remember hearing a motivational speech once, in which the speaker used the analogy of a person learning to ski. He kept falling, every time. Finally, he got a coach who watched him try to ski and then said, "Well, I see you problem. You are looking for a soft place to fall. Never look to fall again. Look to where you want to land and see yourself arriving there."
  25. curlygirl47
    Have you ever visited the website link removed I like it, and yesterday's article was good enough to post above my desk. Here's a quote: "All over the world, there exists a simple precept that, when followed, has the power to end conflict and banish strife. It is the Golden Rule, a key concept in many philosophies and spiritualities that admonishes us to "do unto others as we would have them do unto us." Its meaning is clear: treat others only in ways that you would want to be treated. However, the golden rule is not always easy to follow. It can be a challenge to honor others as we wish to be honored. Yet, when we do so, we bestow a gift of loving kindness on our fellow human beings. And, in honoring others, we honor ourselves."
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