curlygirl47

Isn't it funny how these exes want to keep a little something to connect them to us? My ex keeps "forgetting" to put the storage key to a shed we share (which is behind my home) back where it belongs, in a neutral place where we can both use it without having to contact each other. So, now I need it, and he has it, even though he isn't using it. The only reason he needs it at this point is to move his stuff out, which he is apparently not in any hurry to do. I've had No Contact since Monday morning, when the ex called at 2:56 a.m. and wanted to come over. Then he actually went to the house and saw I wasn't there and called again, asking me to call him back. I didn't get the message til later because I wasn't home (I had spent the night at a friends). I responded with a letter that more or less let him know I would be doing my own thing and if he wants to see me, he can call but I wouldn't be calling him. So even though I want that storage key, I'm going to just let it ride for a while, and ask him for the key when he contacts me eventually.

I haven't read your earlier posts, so I don't have a clue other than what you wrote today, but it sounds to me like your ex is on drugs. Seriously. I had a lover for three years who became increasingly unpredictable, had wild mood swings, etc. --- and it turned out he was hooked on crystal meth and had managed to hide it from loved ones for quite a while. If it's not drugs, then he's just plain mean or disturbed; either way, honey, you've got to bail out. I'm so sorry for you pain. I've been there, and I'm there again right now --- but we are going to make it through this. Another thing: Try to forgive him. This doesn't mean that you want him back or even would take him back. Forgiveness keeps you whole and grounded and on high ground. Just try to realize that only a person whose soul is damaged could be so cruel to other people.

However, I'll stick with Harris's plan because it helps the dumpee become a stronger and more positive person all around ---and helps him/her learn to love 100%. And, here's the weird thing. I have an ex who wants to get me back, and even though I know he's doing what the book says, it still works! I haven't gone back to him yet, and I might not, but he's managed to keep my interest and stay in my life for a long time now. And there is still the possbility that I may go back to him in the long run because he has loved me 100% and not turned me off or become cold. In other words, he could have ruined any possibility of getting back with me by treating me cruel or coldly; my personality is such that I would never respond to that and would never call him back. By the way, in case you think I'M cold or cruel to keep this guy hanging on, I've tried several times to cut off all contact with him and encouraged him over and over to date other people and fall in love, etc. He just hasn't been ready to do that.

I'll be the lone voice saying send the card if you want to. According to "How to Get Your Lover Back," by Blaise Harris, PhD, who is a counselor who successfully loved his ex back to him when she had left him for someone else and who has also seen his strategies work with others he has counseled, it is appropriate to send cards on holidays, but just don't write much other than a short note (i.e. love, John or Hope all is going well.) Don't write I love you or anything like that if the person is all too well aware of that. Let it be light, and give the person a chance to just appreciate you without any pressure. Harris's golden rule (paraphrased): Any contact that creates a pleasurable moment without applying pressure to your ex is a good thing.

This is the best advice I can give. Get the book "How to Get Your Lover Back." It isn't what you think --- there is nothing underhanded and overly manipulating about it. It's just good, practical advice on how to love 100% and get a lover to come back to you and establish a love-bond that lasts. It's written by Blaise Harris, a PhD who practiced his own strategies to get his lover back after she had left him for someone else. He is also a counselor who has seen these strategies work for many other people for whom he has recommended the plan. Sometimes it takes about two months to see anything happening, so we have to slow down and not get in a hurry. Anyway, get the book --- I promise it will help you mentally, even if you never do get your lover back.

I copied the part beginning with "Find a guy who ... until the end," and I think I might send it to my ex IF HE CONTACTS ME AGAIN with a note that says "This is what I want,and this is what I want for you." Maybe he'll take the hint one way or the other.

I've read the book "How to Get Your Lover Back" so many times that I have just about memorized it, and it has really really helped me to get through this breakup. I actually got the book when I was going through an earlier significant break-up three years ago. That was a three-year relationship, and I was devastated when it was over. Some of what is happening now is reliving that time again because I have once again been abandoned. The fellow I've been dating recently is actually very much like the other guy, which is part of why I liked him so much. Well, anyway --- what I wanted to say is that the author of the book, Blaise Harris, PhD. used his own strategies to get back an ex, successfully, into a long term love bond, and he has counseled many people to do the same thing. Importantly, he states that one of the biggest mistakes people make when trying to get an ex back is to demand that the person stop seeing anyone else. He says that even though it is extremely painful, you must try not to dwell on the ex's sex with anyone else, and you may have to let him go through the "limerance" stage of a new relationship or two, realizing that the sex has little to do with love and that you are more in danger of losing your ex permanently to someone who connects with him emotionally than anything else. My point is, Kate, that I don't know if I should do as you suggest and tell him we have to be monogamous, though of course that is my instinct and what I always would have done in the past. But I am still thinking it through. And I don't even know if it will be an option, anyway. I've made no contact and had none from him since Monday morning, and I'm trying to be strong.

I got dumped for the same reasons your ladies gave you --- ours was my fellow's first serious relationship after his divorce, and he's "just not ready." When I said I had never asked him for a commitment or pressured him in any way, he said that was true, that it was him who was falling hard and getting too attached, and he was moving toward a commitment. "If I do that," he said, "and it's a wrong decision that we made too fast and it ends up being a disaster, I just can't take that." So here I am. I offered the info from the book on apology and forgiveness just in case --- I read it myself and thought it through, and I thought it might be helpful to others. I'm glad you guys are here. Last night I went out and had some fun, but I miss my ex all the time and I find it really hard not to wonder where he is and what he is doing. So far, I've made no contact since Monday morning (I wrote him a letter after he called me at 2:56 in the morning and wanted to come over). I wasn't home, having spent the night with a friend. Anyway, the letter was loving but not pathetic and told him to contact me if he wanted to.

Though I am hoping to get an ex back, I am also an ex of someone else who wants ME back. Here's how it's gone, from the "pursued" point of view. I like this guy --- I love him, in fact. He's probably the best person I know. He's open-minded, gentle, a good lover, likes cats, has a good relationship with his mother, and I could go on for a while with this list. If I could solve one or two problems in my own head, I would go back to this guy and marry him in a heartbeat. One (I'm embarrassed to say it and ready for all the whacks on the head you are going to throw at me) is that he's just not a "good-looking" guy. I know, I know --- I'm shallow, but it's a basic chemistry thing that is missing. He can get me going fairly well when we are in the sack, but I don't get that weak-kneed feeling when I look at him like I do when I am in love with a guy. Also, when we first dated (three years ago) and the sex was so phenomenal, he was very thin. I like a thin, baseball player kind of body. I don't expect six-packs or anything like that; I'm average weight, myself. But he has gained so much weight that I just don't think I could stand it. Also, the clincher is that he is an alcoholic (recovered), so he can't drink and he really can't be in bars and that kind of stuff. I like to drink and I like to go to bars. So you see why I can't go back to this guy? But it's stupid stupid stupid and I wish I could change. Now, I hope this makes some of you feel better. The ex may know perfectly well how valuable you are and know exactly what he or she is losing and wish very much that he or she could change and stick with glorious you, but he or she is messed up in the head like I am. So, from this side, I apologize on behalf of all of us. Let me add this much, though. He has managed to stay in my life no matter what, by waiting very very patiently and always being loving. A few times he has become upset, but he always rallies. I have tried several times to get him to cut off contact with me, but he doesn't want to. He doesn't, however, call me or bother me in any way. We e-mail, and once in a blue moon, I call him. Occasionally he asks if I want to come for a visit, and I always think about it. I'm still thinking about it, even now. I know that if he would make a few changes, he could find somebody awesome and he would forget me, which would be best for him and probably a major downer for me, since I wouldn't have somebody in the wings who loves me. You see my point. If you absolutely can't get over somebody, then your only option is to do what my ex does; carry on with your life and make occasional contact, keep things very pleasant, and hope for the best.

My ex has sexual problems --- as in, he can't sustain an erection very long. I know it's embarrasing and frustrating, but I've always acted like it didn't matter, and it really didn't in the long run because I still wanted to be with him and I still liked the sexual intimacy (there are other things we can do). I am 99% sure that this same problem will happen with other women. The problem is not arousal; this guy is ready to go whenever I want to, but nearly always there is a problem with the bottom line. He takes Viagra occasionally (he had this medicine before I came along; I found an old prescription), and I really didn't see much difference when he has taken it with me. The only time he really kept it going on was once when he did a line of cocaine. Sad, I know. Anyway, my point is, he says sex with me is the best he's ever had (his words: "I don't care if you tell everybody I said that because it's true. This sex is incredible). He was also in love with me, but then he got scared because he said we were going too fast, and he basically shut down on me. I'm trying to do the NO CONTACT thing, but he has called me twice in the middle of the night, and I suspect he wants sex. He's seeing other people, and probably having sex with them, but I don't know that for sure. I'm just kind having out of control jealousy feelings right now; I have no facts. Now, is a guy who has sexual problems going to want to expose those problems to several women???? When he has a good woman who adores him???? He is very attracted to me and I to him. Not to say that I am all that, but we are both attractive people, and I know it's not his lack of attraction to me. He also says I am the most compatible woman he has ever had in his life, and if he wanted to commit right now, he would commit to me. Whatever. I'm venting, and thanks for listening.

Hey all --- I'm new to the forum. I've recently had a break-up, too, and it's painful, but reading your posts help. I've been reading two books about apology and forgiveness, and I just wanted to throw in a couple of ideas that might be effective strategy for healing a broken relationship (getting the ex back, in plain terms --- or in getting past the pain). Did you do something (anything) wrong that caused your ex pain, either far in the past or recently? Did you ever say, with heartfelt and sincere remorse, "I am so sorry for X (the thing you did, which means NAMING the offense), which made you feel X (hurt, betrayed, insignificant, etc --- it is very important to acknowledge the impact of your wrong), I was wrong, and I will not do that again."? Did you also say, "I would like to do X to try to make up for that wrong or to at least heal our relationship." (Name a specific way in which you will try to heal it.)? Did you ever ask the person to just tell you his/her memory of the hurt you caused and how it felt --- specifically and in detail describe the emotions, the disappointment, the insecurity, etc.? Did you listen reflectively? Often, people do not tell us in detail how we have hurt them, disappointed them, or withheld our love or some other need they had.

I see you smiling now and thinking, "No buts! No contact!" But here goes the story anyway. See what you think: I moved from another state a year and a half ago and could not find anybody that I could really be interested in. I FINALLY started dating a guy here this past September. He had mentioned the first night we met that he wasn't looking for anything serious, and I knew I was, so I said so (in so many words, but without saying "Look, I want to get married" --- which no rational person would say to a stranger on the first meeting) and didn't call him even though he gave me his phone number. He tracked me down at work and called several times, even leaving a message: "Don't run away from me." So --- bad idea, I don't know? I gave him a chance. We began to date regularly, and though every now and then he would express his concern that we were "going too fast" and that he was falling in love and was scared, I never pressured him in any way, and we went on trips together with his mother and his son --- we went to see my parents, etc. We were close and happy, with only the occasional spats, which became less frequent after the initial intensity of our relationship calmed down and we kind of settled in. Now, during these four months, his ex-wife called fairly regularly and they saw each other to transport their son, etc. But they were NOT seeing each other; she had someone else, by the way. But around Christmas, she and that fellow broke up, and she came back with all guns loaded to try to get "my" fellow back. She called, cried, begged, manipulated, all the great stuff. And I guess for her it kind of worked, at least temporarily, because he pulled back sharply from me for about two weeks, didn't tell me that they were "talking about getting back together" and basically hurt me and disappointed me terribly by being silent during this time. When I called, he was cold and short with me, etc. When tt had been about two weeks since we had been together sexually, and I had really had not heard from him, he called me up and took me for a drink and a ride in the car and we talked. He was apologetic, but fairly distant. He called me up a few nights later, in the middle of the night after he had had a fight with a guy at a bar, and said he didn't care where I was (I don't care if it's Charleston or Florida, he said) he had to see me. I responded, and we were intimate and spent the whole day together at his house. While I was there, both the ex-wife and his son came by, but he didn't ask me to leave or anything, and they knew I was there. I was, in fact, in the bed and didn't get up. I felt validated. But here's the clincher: he's never been the same with me since. Though we were intimate that day, he didn't call for five days. Finally, I confronted him and he explained the situation, expressed regret, said he had decided not to go back with her but says he can't have a relationship right now, says if he could it would be with me because he can't imagine anyone more compatible, and that maybe IN A YEAR or so he could consider having a serious relationship. When I said okay, and that I would probably move back to my home state by this summer if my personal life here did not become more stable, he said he didn't want me to go, but he admitted that was "f'ed up" for him to say since he couldn't commit. Now, let me clear something up: I never asked him for a serious commitment, as in let's live together or get married. He admits that. He says I've never pressured him. He says it's his own dependence on ME that bothers him. He is way too attached and is going in the direction of a full commitment to me, and he's afraid he'll do that and then end up with another divorce someday because he went to fast. He says he may be making the biggest mistake of his life. All of which still sounds like a big fat goodbye, doesn't it????? Now, he talks about me to other people all the time, and he has again called in the middle of the night and wanted to come over. Fortunately for me --- I think --- I was not at home, so he had to suffer a bit and wonder why I didn't answer. But he is dating other people, casually, and has said that I should date other people also. (Side note: I am intensely attracted to him and he to me, and I love being intimate with him even though he has some sexual problems --- namely, he can't sustain an erection; believe me when I say it is not because he is not aroused. I am 99% sure this would happen with any woman. I am willing to deal with this because I am crazy about him. As for him, he says the sex is the best he has ever had. One more note about the sex; he occasionally uses Viagra, and even then, he isn't exactly up and running if you know what I mean. The only time I remember him ever having it going on for more than a few minutes is once when he used cocaine. As for the cocaine, he did it maybe once a month and has givien that and marijuana up as a New Year's Resolution). I normally don't do either, but I did smoke pot with him. Now, here's my question. Normally, I would never put up with a man seeing other women and seeing me too, when I am in love with him and he knows it --- especially when he was seeing me exclusively for four months before decided he couldn't swing it. I also wouldn't put up with him not calling or spending time with me regularly. However, I'm 40 now (He's 42), and I really like this guy, and I know that he really likes me. Should I put up with this crap for a while and see if it goes anywhere? I've ended relationships before over this kind of stuff, but at some point a woman has to realize (no offense, guys) but men nearly always do this kind of really nasty stuff at some point. It seems like it's either accept it or live alone forever. In the meantime, I've called only once since I confronted him and got the whole story; I've been to his house only once, and that was by invitation, to pick up some things of mine (I had suggested he leave them for me at a neutral place, but he said "No, come on over.") --- and I've written and mailed one letter --- after he called at 2:54 in the morning two days ago. In the letter, I said that since he had suggested I date other people, I would do that, and that if he wanted to see me, he should let me know. I also said that I was thinking about going back to my home state, but I would be here for at least three more months if he wanted to talk. Now, this is all the stuff that has to do with me -- but he does have some other things going on in his life. He's trying to make some financial decisions, trying to buy property and move, and trying to improve his son's grades and emotional state. He also told me that he has to make some things right from his past before he can move on, and he was going to do that this week. Also, a close friend of his from years ago died of cancer this week, and it was the morning after the funeral that he called at 2:54 a.m. The day of the funeral is also the time that I called in a weak moment, to say that I didn't need or want anything, just to tell him that no matter what he is my friend and I love him. He said that it meant a lot that I called to say that, and that he wanted to see me soon. He would call.) Whew. Okay --- let me have it. What do you think? ](*,)