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SuperDave71 last won the day on June 27 2012

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  1. Just a bump in case you missed it. I hope everyone is doing well and safe out there. Your Friend, SuperDave71
  2. Thank you lostandhurt. This forum brings back a lot of memories. Your Friend, SuperDave71
  3. I believe what you are doing (or trying to do) is wait for someone to post that "this is what I would do" in order to give you some type of hope. The people who have been on this site for years have seen it time an time again. When the majority tells you that in all probability that getting back her trust is NOT an option, certain people will wait for a response that DOES offer hope. I agree with Batya33. Once trust is gone... it is nearly impossible to get it back and even if you did, it would NEVER be the way it was before. You show up late, you are busy and can't answer your phone or whatever reason... her mind would start to wander with what you were doing. "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...shame on me" The best thing you can do is be accountable for your actions and accept the consequences since you are the one that did this to the relationship. Remember, just because you felt she did something... it NEVER gave you the excuse to have multiple affairs. That was created in your head since you felt rejected. You chose instant gratification over being an adult and communicating with your spouse over what was bothering you. Take care, SuperDave71
  4. Several years ago, I can vividly remember how much my heart ached and I felt the void that my ex left when she walked away. I also remember trying to bargain with old man time to just rewind the previous events in order to correct what I felt was wrong not only with me but the relationship as a whole. The biggest reality check I have ever received was when my ex started seeing someone else immediately. You heart and head try to come to some sort of conclusion as to “why”…or what did I do to deserve this. The truth is that I did nothing. Even if I had done something, it didn’t compare to my punishment of hearing how happy she was in the arms of another man. We often write of our longing to be with someone who either left you for another…or just couldn’t handle the relationship the way it was. Through the years, I chose to not look back and say what could have been, I choose to look at what I AM today. There are so many that choose to live in the past and continue to blame themselves for why the relationship failed. We have all looked back and tried to make sense of something we will never know the TRUE answers to. We try to look at certain events or even behavior patterns in order to come to some sort of conclusion. They left me because of this…If I were only more understanding….If I had only acted this way instead of THAT way they would still be here with me instead of happy without me. The more you think about it, the more you get bogged down in details that don’t really matter. It’s tough to swallow but the reality is that they are gone. You may have the title “Single” but you are not ALONE. There is a distinct difference between being alone and being lonely. I am hoping that there are those out there that really need to hear what I hope to convey in a loving but logical way. You are not different, cursed, jinxed or a loser just because someone has left you. The truth is that in the long run, you may even look back and realize that it never could have worked out the first place. In my writings, I choose not to give false hope but I do write from experience. Based on what you think you know, what others know and what you learn from others is how we grow and mature. A broken heart just like death doesn’t pray on a certain group or type of people. Love also is exempt from this. We all fall in love, want to be in love or hope for someone to come along and love us for who we are. Just because one relationship didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean they will ALL not work out. Get that negative feeling out of your head and especially your heart. It serves no purpose in your life and especially in your head. I cannot count how many times I put myself down in order to make sense of why she left. I continued to blame me for her issues. I am a man that can take full responsibility for my own actions. I can stand on my own two feet and I can also crawl if I have to. I would waste countless hours blaming and thinking of a solution to get her back. The truth was..her heart left months ago, it was her body she needed to convince to finally leave. Those that have experienced someone that may have stayed with you but doesn’t want to BE with you as a partner know exactly what I mean. I would rather someone be completely honest and say “I don’t love you anymore and I think we should break” rather than be blindsided and told one day after everything seemed fine that we should break up. Those who are beating your head against the wall, reading countless self-help books, articles and trying to make sense of it all need to listen to me very carefully. Just because you are trying to make sense of why or how it happened doesn’t mean you will ever find it. Even in death you know at least it’s final. Break ups can be so nerve wrecking because if you are left with a “I just need some time right now”…you have no idea what that means. What your heart gets out of it is that it cannot freely give and receive the love it wants from your partner you looked so long to find. Your chest remains empty as your mind starts to wander and reasoning kicks into overdrive due to all the unanswered questions you are left to face. How do you deal with someone who has left the questions unanswered? What I did was finally understand that there are certain things that HAVE NO ANSWERS at least not yet. Do you know how difficult it is to wait on something your heart wants so badly yet your eyes and mind tell you the man/woman you saw standing next to and holding your ex’s hand is “just a friend”? You try to convince your heart that your head is saying ‘it’s ok because they LOVE ME….NOT them….this is only a phase. They will be back soon enough.’ That soon enough turns into weeks even months yet you are left alone wondering when they will finally return. The harsh truth is, the left you, moved on and you are left trying to NOW tell your heart “but…but…but she said she loved ME?!” All those times together come rushing back. You think of all the good times you had together and try so desperately to push out the thoughts of your ex with someone else yet the sun starts to set and your heart and the evening sky grow dark and cold. The nights after the break can be terrifying if you are alone. Not only is time against you but your mind plays games with you. You start to conjure up old memories, feelings, time together when you both were intimate. Every minute that passes seems like hours. The thoughts start pouring out and then the “what if’s”..come into play. What if I send her roses or just go by to see her…then she will know how much I love her? No…for the love of God….NO! The one thing that will drive you insane is the “if I do this….they will respond like that”. WRONG! The moment you assume ANYTHING about your partner regardless of how much time you have spent with them in the past, will be thrown back in your face. Those who have tried with this thought process rarely succeeds or if they do it is not for very long because even people can get used to being with someone even if they were not healthy for them. The thought process is that my partner will change because after all, they love you. WRONG! Listen carefully to the next sentence: **Just because someone SAYS they love you….yet DOES NOTHING to reinforce it…doesn’t mean they don’t love you….it means they DON’T LOVE YOU ENOUGH. Love is a give and take. Think of it as a drinking glass. If you consume all the contents, you need to refill it. The heart is the same way. After being single and happy with who we are as a person, we are able to fill out OWN heart. When a single person gets involved in a relationship, the roles switch around a bit. It is UP TO YOU to fill your own heart as well as your partner to give you the love you not only want but need in order to be happy. What some do not understand is that when you find it necessary for someone to fill your heart and you cannot do it yourself because you were not able to in the first place then your partner leaves what are you left with? You are left with a heart that will ALWAYS be empty. This is where loneliness, depression and other negative thoughts take root. The space that was once filled with love from someone else is left to possibly filled with resentment, anger, sadness and a general feeling of not good enough. DO NOT left these things take root. The moment they take root in your heart is the moment you start to BELIEVE these feelings to be TRUE which is never the case. If you have to lower yourself to beg, stalk, read your ex’s emails, be consumed with their status page online or wonder who they are seeing on a regular basis, then I hope you can stop and look at your own behavior and realize how low you really are in order to be loved by someone who just walked out on you. Why put yourself through that? As I said before, sometimes it’s better not to know. Save yourself the embarrassment and headache and just be the better person and let it go. People come back because THEY WANT TO not because you DID SOMETHING in order for them to stay. If this is the case, it will be short lived. I would rather have someone stay because they wanted to FREELY because of who I was rather than a something I did in order to LOOK loving. I know being lonely is hard. I know because I was once there. You won’t find answers on the Internet. You won’t get them in a book or not even from a friend…you will get them from yourself. Until you understand that you deserve better….until you understand that you do not need them to complete you to be happy….until you realize that your life does not stop just because someone stopped love you..until you realize that you are a treasure and not a basket case…until you realize that you are YOU and NO ONE not even someone that once loved you can EVER take that away from you. Stand up and be heard…you are down but not out. You are not a quitter. You are someone who needs to convince your own heart that you deserve happiness. All it takes it time, positive reinforcement and a lot of effort on your part. If I can do it…I know you can. How do I know these things…because even as a complete stranger..no matter where you are….I believe in you. Your Friend, SuperDave71
  5. Thank you Batya33. Your story is just another example of how it DOES work if you can maintain and learn from possible mistakes BEFORE they start to add up. I wish you all the best. Your Friend, SuperDave71
  6. Thank you so much Jakuas. I really appreciate it. Your Friend, -SuperDave71
  7. What if the roles were reversed? Considering you stated that it was not the first time...would you take your wife back if she did this to you? Twice or more only to tell you that she was lonely? Once is a mistake (not a good one but a mistake) Twice is a decision since you did not learn from the first one Think about it. -SuperDave71
  8. *Disclaimer: I am not a therapist or a relationship counselor. My advice is based on a “take it or leave it” context and I make no claims that following my words will give you the results you desire. Please use your best judgement and commonsense with all your decision making. I wish you well in all you do* -Let’s get started It’s been some time since I have written a post here at ENA. I have poured over several and re-read so many that inspired me to create threads starting back in 2004. Time flies but within that time comes knowledge. You begin to learn what works and what doesn’t work when it comes to human relationships. What I mean is, break-ups happen every day. The breakup is no different from any other break BUT… the rub is WHY the breakup happened. If you lied, cheated, neglected or did anything other thing to someone else that hurt them intentionally, then please stop reading because no matter what you try to do at this point will not work. Even if it DID work, it will not work long. That is a 100% promise. I see it like this, would you want to get back together with someone that PURPOSELY hurt you? In the beginning, maybe so because your self-worth just got kicked in the teeth. Love does NOT equal lied, cheated, neglected, etc. etc. I wanted to go ahead and get this out of the way as not to waste time with those that know what happened. If you or your ex were involved in malicious things towards one another (no matter how long you were together) ask yourself how this “How was that loving?” One of the most asked questions in this forum is “Does getting back together happen?” My very short answer is yes, it does BUT only the answer is short. The process in POSSIBLY getting back together is a long one. If you believe that if you do something sweet or buy someone something….or take them out for a date or lose weight and start going to the gym…whatever you do…if you don’t do these things for the RIGHT reason… its on you. Let me explain... If you were in a relationship with someone and you cheated (or they did) for an example… no matter what you do, even if you get them back… you will always have that idea in your head that they might, will or could do it again (eventually). Words are just words. If words have no consistent loving action…then they are just words. Have you ever heard of something called “buyer’s remorse”? What this is is when you go out and make a quick decision on something you THOUGHT you wanted badly enough that the cost didn’t matter. I want you to re-read that last part. (the cost did not matter) and you end up regretting the very thing you wanted so badly in the first place. The cost in this example is you. Your peace of mind, your self-worth…the key is YOU. It belongs to you. When you get someone back (if you are able) if the things that made the relationship doomed in the first place are not fixe per se, then the relationship with be shorted lived. Think of it this way, If you had a flat tire and you walked away from it without fixing it for 6 months, then you returned to the car…would the tire be fixed? Absolutely not. One of the BIGGEST components of getting back together is TIME. I have said it over and over. It is NOT easy to wait. Who wants to wait around for someone else to make up THEIR mind. You cannot, speak, feel or act (actions) for anyone else on this planet BUT YOU CAN INFLUENCE. If you call, plead, beg, threaten, text 1000 times, you are ONLY LETTING THEM KNOW that they made a wise decision. This is how THEY SEE YOU. With desperation, we do desperate things. I have done it. I have been there and done that and your guarantee is that it NEVER WORKS. The more you make promises AFTER a breakup, the more they will see you a pitiful. You may get a response, maybe even one that seems sweet but those responses are USUALLY from those that genuinely do not want to hurt you BUT ARE OVER YOU…at least for the time being. Getting back together does happen but the advice given is NOT a game. You are dealing with people feelings, hopes, dreams, futures… Tread wisely because ALL my advice is based ONLY ON LOVE and being loving. Getting back together happens when TWO loving people leave on good terms. I know what your about to ask. What the heck is good terms? Good terms is when a breakup occurs and BOTH parties do their best to RESPECT the others decision. The foolishness and mistakes start to happen soon after a breakup since the emotions involved are VERY raw. Your heart hurts. Your mind is preoccupied with thoughts about the relationship. You pour over memories of the good times and some are confused on what just happened since they did not see the breakup coming. No matter what happened, as long as you do what you can (no matter what) you cannot contact the other person. I have made this mistake years ago and I want to pass this on to you. You will regret it. Why? Being broken up with hurts enough and I mean it really hurts. The last thing you want to do is come off desperate. You do not want to constantly beg and plead. You are only setting yourself up for failure. If you want someone back you have to let them miss you in a POSITIVE WAY. If I do nothing, how on earth are they going to miss me? I will let you in on a secret… you already know the secret by the way its ACCEPTING it that I the hardest part. By doing nothing, you cannot start creating a negative thought or thoughts in your ex’s head (or heart). THIS IS VERY, VERY difficult to do. Your brain will TRY and convince you that you need to act. THIS IS WRONG. You start to panic. Your heart starts beating faster because if you do nothing someone else will take them away. I know what that is like. My heart was shattered so many years ago that I can STILL REMEMBER how it felt. I give my advice based on experience like so many others here at ENA. Desperation of ANY KIND is seen as negative. Desperation = Negative result Let me provide an example or two.. These are from my past. 1.) I would call and try to talk to my ex. I thought “we can talk this through. We were together (fill in the blank) and we loved one another. I know I can convince her. (Epic fail) -Result: I came of as needy, desperate and weak. NO ONE wants to come off that way. EVER. The first time you met your ex, I mean the VERY first time. Were they weak or needy? What drew you to them in the first place? I bet it was confidence, they way they looked and they way there was chemistry between two people. (At least on the first experience of meeting them). The feelings and reactions between you two made your mind, body and soul WANT MORE from the other person. Does that make sense? There was NOT a desperate, weak and needy feeling when you first met so why CREATE ONE on PURPOSE to ruin ALL the GOOD memories of you that they STILL carry in their heart about YOU? Re-read that last line until it makes sense. 2.) My ex called me one day at work a few weeks after our breakup. She was in the tub (she told me that for whatever reason. I am merely telling the story for what it was). I was delighted to hear from her. We had a brief but light conversation. (I was in the moment…heart beating faster, a shimmer of hope was gleaning someone in the darkness) until she hit me with it… She proceeded to tell me that she slept with the “new guy”. You heard it here folks, she called me to tell me because she felt it was only right for me to know that since she knew I wanted her back. This is what happened to me. I could go on but I wanted to provide you some examples of what NOT to do. NO ONE wants to hear how great the replacement person is… the GOOD NEWS is that when something is new. Well, plain and simple… its new. They have not been given the time or opportunity to be their real self. I refer to it as pulling off the mask. We all act a certain way when we meet someone we like. We all want to put on our best and do even things we would NEVER do in order to impress someone. I have been there and done that myself so I am no exception. What the above examples are showing (from my past) are just things that made me look weak or needy. They also hurt me to the core. This is when I came to this forum. I began looking over posts hoping there was some magical solution to make them love me again. What I did NOT understand was how the heart and brain change functions after a breakup. You start thinking with your heart and feeling with your brain. You start making desperate decisions to call or bring flowers, write poetry, go to the gym to look better etc. etc. You try to convince yourself that if I do “this”….they will react “this way”. WRONG! You have NO IDEA how someone else will react to something. Get the scenarios out of your head in order to make a fantasy that you thought of FAIL and have you look horrifically sad and needy. “If I can only talk to him or her I can make them listen…” Nope. Try again. If they broke up with you, they severed not only the relationship, but they also severed the exclusive access to you. Now, the reality is also REVERSED. You also lost the exclusive access to them. THERE is the rub. THAT was one of the most difficult things to understand. Its like trying to convince me that no matter how long you were together (we were together 8 years). When someone throws in the towel, those years count for time together but it does NOT count on what their latest decision is (to break up with you). Here is the GOOD news about long term relationships. They had the opportunity to create more POSITIVE memories over time than a NEW relationship with someone else. Let’s say they have already started seeing someone. Yes, it hurts like hell but you have no control over that the same they cannot control what you do and who you see. It works both ways. The advantage you have is simple. The more you do NOT make mistakes by calling, texting, stalking; whatever the case, the more POSITIVE things they are left with when they think of you. Ok ok… I know what you’re thinking. How do I know they will think of me? Get that nonsense out of your head. They ALWAYS will think of you. NO matter what your brain and heart tell you…. They will. How? When the new person doesn’t do what you did and your ex DID enjoy whatever it was you did…. It will trigger a positive thought. DO NOT get the wrong idea. I am merely using this as a singular example of how someone COULD think of you. People can shop at the grocery and see something on the shelf that reminds them of you. I know it sounds silly, but its true. Think of it like this… how many things in your current situation are reminding you of your ex? And why? Are they good thoughts or bad thoughts? And again Why? My advice should NEVER be used and a “If I do this…. They will do this” kind of situation. Reconciliation takes time. You have to find YOU again and stop thinking you are involved with your ex in any way. This is the toughest part. You want more than anything to see, hold and love your ex. I know.. I have been there. The nights are the worst. Your mind starts to wander. You start playing scenes in your head that are not there. The anxiety builds and builds until…. You make a mistake. You call. You text over and over… and there is no response. What happens when you make a mistake? You have to reset all the time you did not communicate with your ex. Does it mean anything? Yes and no. Yes, you made a mistake. Once you do not get the reaction you wanted it hurts MORE. This is typically followed with constantly beating yourself up even more. You will sink even further since you will be trying to convince yourself that they no longer love or want to see you ever again. (Not true if you remain calm). No, because if you learn from the FIRST MISTAKE you are not DOOMED to make them again. You will have to do whatever you can in order to NOT make the same mistake you made. The more mistakes you make, the more you are replacing the positive memories in their minds and heart. You MUST let the dust settle. After a breakup, you must do what you can to become selfish. (I know that sounds funny). What I mean is you cannot let thoughts of your ex CONSUME you. You have to make decisions for you and YOU Only. This is why it sounds funny because after loving someone, no matter what the length of time is, you don’t want to be or FEEL alone. EVER. Your mind will constantly be challenged. You will have those thoughts of holding the one you love and doing all the wonderful things you did together. The tears will come. Let it out. Write posts here (I did … over and over) I got all the raw emotions out. It hurts. I am not here to convince you that it doesn’t but your feelings are like a cloudy day. The darkness is only SHADOWING what is behind it which is you. You were you BEFORE the relationship and you are still there. The clouds will pass. Turn the focus on yourself. With all things, the small changes you make for you will become a habit. Good habits of going out with friends, or family and doing what you can to get YOU back. The rub is once you get you back and you reflect on the past relationship, you can re-evaluate what you did while in the relationship. What I mean is, were you a good person with a big heart? Did you take advantage? Were you loving consistently and were you love back consistently? Past relationships are like a rear-view mirror; you look back only when needed. You don’t drive a car by looking at the rear-view mirror. Its purpose is to look at what is BEHIND YOU. If you focus on the past, you cannot EVER move forward. You can only change things about you. Your behavior, your appearance, the way you think or act towards others. It takes time to grow. You have to STAY in the present in order to grow. The more you positively grow, the more you are able to focus on the future. Ok ok … I know what you are probably thinking… but what about my ex? What about them? I was getting to that. By NOT creating negative memories after a breakup ( the mistakes we mentioned above) the more our ex’s will think of us in a positive light. They memories of us will be GOOD ones filled with GOOD memories, loving memories. The will possibly grow as well. They could possibly grow in a different direct (maybe just like you). The key is when you grow individually and life somehow puts you back in the same situation (maybe seeing one another out months after a break) positive memories will come back. The look of confidence from you and your nonchalant, casual smile and “good to see you” comments could be met with future correspondence. The more you focus on you and the more you give them EXACTLY what they asked for (space and time) the more it will be seen as a hidden gift of love. To give someone exactly what they wanted shows LOVE. Positive memories and not being desperate and demeaning or needy is the key to LOVING someone back. It is NOT an direct act but a magical thing. Real Love NEVER dies. To give someone love from afar is STILL LOVE. To show them that you love YOURSELF to walk away and give them what the wanted… could be the very thing that could light that spark that we call “Hope “Faith, Hope and Love…but the greatest of these is Love.” 1st Corinthians 13 verse 13 I wish you all the hope and love. Thank you for taking the time, Your Friend, SuperDave71
  9. Thank you all. I hope everyone is doing well. I appreciate your kind words. I check in from time to time to see how things are going. Wishing you all the best in the new year... Your Friend, SuperDave71
  10. It has been some time since I last posted in this forum. Years to be exact. It's 2021 and time will soon carry us into 2022. What made me want to post? I am happy to say that there isn't a reason. I just felt like writing. I have read several of the posts here and I see the forum has changed in many ways. Maybe the "faces" have changed but the stories still remain the same. My story years ago was lost amongst the thousands of posts asking, pleading and begging for any advice to heal my broken heart. I cannot express how this forum has helped me grow in my personal and spiritual growth. My advice is always ..."Take it or leave it". I am not a profession counselor or therapist. I am just simple guy sitting behind a monitor and keyboard that wants to make a positive difference in the lives of others. I know what it's like to hurt. My heart has been ripped out but what I have realized in my experience is that it will get better. You have believe that it will. I am a realist. I am also a straight shooter but not so brutal to offend. That is never my intent whatsoever. If you choose to read on, please do so with an open mind and heart. All I hope to do is to possibly make you think of your situation in a different light. It is a pleasure to post again and I hope wherever you are....no matter your situation....you are NOT alone and that you matter. Let's begin... Through the years and years I have posted here, I read the same thing over and over again "But my situation is different"... Let me be the first to say that No, it is not. The commonality of this forum is that someone or yourself broke up or left (or vice versa) and you are looking for the answers or advice that are going to change your situation hopefully in a positive light. I did the same thing many, many years ago. Everyone has a unique circumstance that is certain but the end goal is what we all share. We all want a happy ending... or do we? Things to think about When a break has occurred, typically there were signs. Whether we choose to see them or not. Sadly the realization is that we tend to always over analyze EVERYTHING after the break has occurred. See if this sounds familiar? You tend to try and convince yourself that if you can only talk to the person that left you or if they would only give me a chance. If you are at this point and the breakup is fresh and just occurred, do yourself a serious favor. STOP EVERYTHING you are trying to convince yourself of and just take a deep breath. Things that are done out of desperation are typically almost ALWAYS WRONG. Maybe not to you but in the eyes of the very one you want back. Even if you heart is hurting so much that you are NOW trying to convince someone that they made a mistake (or even if you did) will be seen as "little too late"... Their view is typically when the OTHER person is so desperate that the desperate acts start. Those that read my posts from years ago know that I used an example of the head and heart switch places. In a desperate situation to get your ex back, you think with your heart and feel with your brain. I can remember how I would try and convince myself that if I do this or say that ...that it would magically change everything for the better which was NEVER the case. I allowed my emotions to be controlled by my brain which should have been a red flag from the beginning. I would pour over advice from other hoping to find that magic formula ...that ONE piece of advice that would get my ex back..... did I find it? Yes, I did. I am going to let you in on what it is. You may not like it but it always works. The answer is TIME I am going to say that again. The answer is time. I know what it's like listening to the saddest, most lonely rip your heart out music. I would sit in my room hoping and coming up with unreasonable ideas to "win her back" all for nothing. Please understand something. I am NOT stating that people are not worth the effort. I just want to to take a breath and understand that sometimes the most LOVING ACT IS TO DO NOTHING. Leave them alone for a while. I can't lie, this is the one of the HARDEST THINGS to do. I started the "No Contact Challenge" may years ago on this very forum for this reason. In my experience, I wanted to convince myself (just like so many others) that my situation was different. That the breakup that occurred (no matter what the circumstance) could be fixed; All I needed was the magic formula. I just needed that ONE thing to convince another human being that I so desperately loved....to love me back. Is that how love works? Have you ever heard ANYONE on the planet say they fell in love because they were desperate? No, because desperation does the exact OPPOSITE of what you want it to be. You do desperate things to attempt to "win them back" because in its simplest form.... you are desperate. If you do nothing....nothing will go wrong. I remember writing this here years ago and I still mean it today. I was the very person that did EVERYTHING WRONG. I went with my gut instincts. I made a total (fill in the blank) out of myself out desperation. Not only did it NOT work, it may have changed the other person's mind about how they perceived me. How could I have stooped so low? It was out of that fictitious math formula: My happiness relies on you loving me. My Happiness = You and me I want you to read that above out loud again. Once you hear it out loud, hopefully you can understand how silly it sounds. I am a firm believer of NOT making the same mistakes so many (including myself) have made and those mistakes NEVER work. I have had so many contact me and tell me that they made a mistake and did not get the result they wanted. All I want you to think about is the outcome before you try and convince yourself that doing this or saying that or showing up at the same place unannounced will change things for the better. You have been warned. People tend to think that once a breakup occurs that they need to change for the better. They start to work out, they starting paying more attention to things the person that just walked out the door enjoy. They tend to do things so the other person will see them as "the new and improved you." If we do things for the wrong reasons and NOT for ourselves? How is this going to convince someone to come back? Why did change now? What made you want to change for the other person? Why did it not matter before while you were in the relationship? These are the REAL questions you should be asking yourself. Its when you can HONESTLY answer them and understand that they may NOT be coming back. I am not trying to say they won't but if ANYTHING is done for improvement, do it because YOU want to improve. There is nothing like seeing an ex and saying "I did all of this FOR YOU" knowing they never asked you too. How is that loving? You would have to take that responsibility yourself and chalk that one down as a HARD lesson to learn. Ouch! You may be out there asking yourself...I just want my ex back. Enough of the advice. Just tell me what works. if that idea ever popped in you head, you are NOT ready. You are looking for a quick fix. You are looking for something to fix your heart. You heart and pride HURT. How could they do this to you..... to us? Accountability No matter what, breakups hurt. They are never easy and we try the best we can to wrap our hearts and heads around it. We don't understand (for the most part) of why it happened. Before you start the whole blame game or its all my fault guilt trip, understand one thing. You are ONLY responsible for YOUR part of the relationship. You will have to answer to your own actions or lack of while you were in the relationship. This is why I said earlier that trying to change who you are to be loved by someone else, is never, ever a good idea. You matter. You have ALWAYS matters. Do not try to convince yourself that you are 100% to blame for this unless you are. (If you cheated, domestic violence or any other form of cruelty is an obvious yes you did this to yourself). You have to be true to yourself. The hurt will fade. You have to do your best to stay in control of you feelings as well as yourself in order to maintain the very foundation of what DOES bring someone back to you. If you decide to drink or use drugs, you are doing this out of desperation of not being able to handle the situation. (Which does hurt) It can make the situation 1000x worse. There is nothing like sending a drunken text to someone you love only to NOT have them respond or that does respond and asks you NOT to contact them again. One thing I learned the hard way years ago is to ask myself a simple question BEFORE I continued to make foolish mistakes: "Is this a loving act.....here comes the kicker "in THEIR EYES" (Is this loving them back to me in THEIR eyes). We have to learn NOT to be selfish and only what what WE want. A relationship is about 2 people. Once we take those deep breaths, once we do what we can to take control of ourselves, our OWN actions that we can start to heal ourselves FIRST. (Which is only going to make you a better person in the end no matter what your circumstances.) The way to get someone back is to give them the time and the space to miss you. The reality is that is doesn't always happen or doesn't happen in our own time. This is the hardest thing to understand. This is why I preach NOT making the mistakes so many of us have made in trying to get an ex back. We tend to convince ourselves that if we do nothing they will forget about me. That is your brain talking where you heart should be. Have you EVER IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE ever forgotten anyone that you loved and genuinely loved you back? Get that nonsense out of your head. The key is understanding that an desperate action will NEVER bring your ex back. You have to maintain control of your emotions. That is what brought me here. That is what I am still posting today. My heart hurt. I didn't want to get out of bed. I did not like the person in the mirror. I could not believe that I allowed thoughts of her consume my day to day thinking. It was unbearable at time. I will never, ever claim that my advice is easy. To get you ex back ... is to GET YOU BACK FIRST. Stay away from things that will cause you to make mistakes. Do what you can to create a journal or post here to get out all the raw emotions that your heart is feeling. It hurts BUT it does not mean that you can't get them back. The key is to get through the break FIRST.... get back to being you in order to let new opportunities happen. Sometime we all want to convince ourselves that we are smarter than others so we tend to do things our way since 'they don't know them like I know them' only to come back here saying you made a major mistake. The mistakes can leave you feeling even worse (yes, I am serious) then if you just do everything you can in order NOT to make them. They need time and so do you. By giving someone what they wanted and NOT abusing that gift is a LOVING ACT. You may not understand that now, but it is. Giving them what they want is never easy but know that by letting them go, you are giving them the freedom to miss you and reflect on hopefully positive memories of you. If you hold on to a wet bar of soap too tightly, it will ALWAYS slip through your fingers. We have to learn to let go in order to personally grow. Ask yourself this, would someone acting desperate in order to get YOU back work? The last thing you want is sympathy. Sympathy is a deal breaker. You want them to LOVE You back. It can be done. It takes time. How much time is the question. I look at it like this, to possibly give you an accurate time frame is like this.... the moment the hurt stops, the moment you feel that you can breathe again....the moment you can be you again and see the sun shine again and get out of bed. The moment you can turn off the sad music and stop focusing on THEM but on yourself is the key to know that no matter what. No matter what happened.... you are going to be ok. I want to give one more bit of advice. I know its the holiday season which is filled with love and you may convince yourself of the magic of the season, that they will see you in a different light. Stay away from these thought. Don't convince yourself that there will be a knock at your door or that I will leave this in her mailbox or a gift on their doorstep will show them I love them. It won't. Save that energy and effort. Its not that they aren't worth it, its that YOU need to put you first. If you can't love yourself, then how can others see you for the loving person you are? I want you understand that love DOES come back...but not always in our time. Hold on to the positive memories but also take accountability for your part of the relationship. Understand that there was a reason FOR the breakup. Sometimes people change. Sometimes its distance. No matter what the circumstances, you have to do your best NOT to make the common mistakes that will end up hurting you more. I always choose to look at it this way. What if you ex is on the fence about returning and you do something to push them over the fence by doing something foolish enough to demonstrate to them that they made the right choice by leaving you? No matter where you are.... no matter your age, race or creed. YOU MATTER. People love you. You have always mattered. If you are currently going through a break, know that 'this too shall pass'. Getting back together starts with YOU. NOT the other person. It starts with you getting out of your comfort zone and growing. The hope you need to find is within you. You have the power to do anything and become the loving person that God created you to be. Don't lose hope in yourself. The sun will come back out. The clouds will dissipate. You have some work to do. I wish you all the best. I wish you all a very, happy and safe holiday season. I appreciate you taking the time today. Your Friend, SuperDave71
  11. I am sorry Jasmin1989. I wish I had the time to answer individual PM's and posts but I would be simply overwhelmed. Please do not take this personally. The reason I create a thread is to do what I can to help everyone. I hope you find the advice you are looking for. I am no expert and this site is FILLED with wonderful people willing to help you and listen. Take care, SuperDave71
  12. You are saying this out of you being hurt, not out of love my friend. You have no control over how she feels...be careful with statements like this. She may miss out in the long run but understand this is merely a generality in hopes of her wanting you back. Take care, SuperDave71
  13. Let him have his things as soon as you are available. It's called closure. The last thing you want to do it talk about the relationship with him as he walks out the door. Be strong. You can do this. -SuperDave71
  14. Delicious, What did you hope to gain with such drastic action? Revenge? -SuperDave71
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