How to get back trust, love, respect of a wife.

[Display name]

I made a big mistake with my wife. I cheated on my wife when i was outside country. Due to long distance relationship. I even denied my kids that i have not spoken to them and me and my wife we are long gone seperated. It was not the 1st time that i cheated on my wife. Im not proud of it. Just dont have anyone to talk to. Need some advise if there would be any chance that the love we had before will come back or no. Was there anyone out there experienced the same thing that i had before. Need some eye opener out here. Feels like im a total stranger in the house. I regreted all the things i have done. Dont know if there would be a way for my wife and my kids to forgive me. 

[Batya33]

It's not about whether an abstract feeling of love returns.  She deserves to know why it happened and what you are going to do -actions -to make sure you never cheat again.

[Wiseman2]

Does your wife know about the affairs? Are you still in touch with other women? Is your wife seeking separation/divorce?

[SuperDave71]

What if the roles were reversed?  Considering you stated that it was not the first time...would you take your wife back if she did this to you? Twice or more only to tell you that she was lonely?

 

Once is a mistake (not a good one but a mistake)

Twice is a decision since you did not learn from the first one

 

Think about it.

 

-SuperDave71

[Cherylyn]

My late father was a womanizer.  Also,  chain smoking alcoholic wife beater, punched her teeth out,  left my mother saddled with 3 children with nary any financial child support,  never visited his children and upon death,  incurred $450,000 debt in addition to the mortgage which my mother paid everything all by herself.  Her house never went to foreclosure nor did she file for bankruptcy.  My mother toiled 3 jobs 7 days a week to provide for us.  She is the strongest and toughest lady I had ever known. 

Regarding infidelity,  I'm sorry,  you cannot regain trust from your wife.  You not only cheated on your wife once but you did it yet again.  How would you feel if the roles were reversed?  Would you trust your wife? 

When there is no more trust,  love is dead.  This applies to everyone on this Earth and doesn't apply just to infidelity either.  It runs the gamut.  Whenever the honor code is broken in every capacity ~ (deceit / betrayal /  name calling / lies / tricks / stealing or whatever),  it's a real deal breaker and the majority of people will not come back.  They're gone and stay gone.  They don't want to be with you anymore.  This is the problem with crossing the line with people.  They don't want to get hurt anymore so their broken hearts 💔 are permanently closed and shut for life towards you.

People become wary and jaded.  One and done,  two if you're lucky.  That's life and its harsh consequences.

[SooSad33]

35 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

When there is no more trust,  love is dead.  This applies to everyone on this Earth and doesn't apply just to infidelity either.  It runs the gamut.  Whenever the honor code is broken in every capacity ~ (deceit / betrayal /  name calling / lies / tricks / stealing or whatever),  it's a real deal breaker and the majority of people will not come back.  They're gone and stay gone.  They don't want to be with you anymore.  This is the problem with crossing the line with people.  They don't want to get hurt anymore so their broken hearts 💔 are permanently closed and shut for life towards you.

People become wary and jaded.  One and done,  two if you're lucky.  That's life and its harsh consequences.

I second this.

You made your choices and did your thing.  I doubt you can earn her trust back, so this is where you sit.

You admit you made some mistakes?  yeah, was your choice to 😕 .

BUT, hey, if you're free now, you can go jump in the sack with anyone you want, now that you're truly single, right? ( w/out regrets).

As for your kids ( not sure their ages).  All I understand is you've travelled & did this while away over & over?   But, if they're young enough, they may come around and be okay with you again.  If you two are now separated, do you get visitation?  ( I hope she has given them the option).

 

[lostandhurt]

I am sure your children and wife loved you dearly but it is clear you did not love them.  Your question should be:

 "After all this time with my wife why didn't I love her enough, cherish what I have with her enough to stop me from betraying my family?"

Coming here asking how to get a third chance is not what you should be doing, you should be looking inward because that is where the real problem is.

 Lost

[shouldhavelearned]

Ummm

 

Make better choices next time

[Cherylyn]

The best thing a father can do for his children is to love and respect their mother. 

You did not.  😪

[HeartGoesOn]

In spite of what some may say, infidelity is a selfish choice where the consequences are usually through the roof.

Getting back together is a statement that looks good on paper, yet going forward always has its set backs, as in the lack of trust, waiting for the next shoe to drop, feeling the need to take on the role of "PI," etc.

In short, without trust you have nothing.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Display name said:

.Just dont have anyone to talk to.  Feels like im a total stranger in the house. Dont know if there would be a way for my wife and my kids to forgive me. 

The best person you could talk to right now is an attorney. It seems like your wife is getting her situation together until she can file.

She can't bar you from the marital home or keep you away from your children, but surely she's spoken to trusted friends and family about things. And probably an attorney. 

[Capricorn3]

After cheating once there might be a very small chance of a partner learning to trust again. But after cheating multiple times, I think you have lost your chances with her.  If that happened to me, ALL respect would be totally gone, and there will be zero trust left.

Hopefully you learn from making these bad choices.

[catfeeder]

How did your wife and kids learn that you cheated?

[Display name]

@catfeeder my eldest daughter found out my calendar in google.i know that i did the wrong thing. Would there be any chance to win her back if i start from the scratch like asking her out having dinner having a hike on a mountain. Would there be a chance still? Really miss my wifes treatment.😔😢😢😢

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Display name said:

Would there be any chance to win her back if i start from the scratch

This is not only unlikely, but also shows the immaturity of your thinking. 

After this much damage, there is no "starting from scratch." No. Your behaviour has permanent consequences for your wife and for your children. There is no re-set button. The very fact that you seem to think there is indicates you severly lack insight. 

Hiking or dinner? Forget that silly idea. Call a lawyer instead. Your marriage is probably done and over so you need to get your head out of the proverbial clouds and start behaving like an adult whose got consequences to deal with. 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Display name said:

@catfeeder my eldest daughter found out my calendar in google.i know that i did the wrong thing. Would there be any chance to win her back if i start from the scratch like asking her out having dinner having a hike on a mountain. Would there be a chance still? Really miss my wifes treatment.😔😢😢😢

I wouldn't think any self-respecting person would want to be "won over" especially with fancy displays etc. You miss your wife's treatment? That's not a reason to be with her especially given your choices.  I suggested early in this thread what you would need to do to have any chance of rebuilding trust.

[SuperDave71]

I believe what you are doing (or trying to do) is wait for someone to post that "this is what I would do" in order to give you some type of hope.  The people who have been on this site for years have seen it time an time again.  When the majority tells you that in all probability that getting back her trust is NOT an option, certain people will wait for a response that DOES offer hope.

 

I agree with Batya33.  Once trust is gone... it is nearly impossible to get it back and even if you did, it would NEVER be the way it was before.  You show up late, you are busy and can't answer your phone or whatever reason... her mind would start to wander with what you were doing.

 

"Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...shame on me"

 

The best thing you can do is be accountable for your actions and accept the consequences since you are the one that did this to the relationship.  Remember, just because you felt she did something... it NEVER gave you the excuse to have multiple affairs.  That was created in your head since you felt rejected.

You chose instant gratification over being an adult and communicating with your spouse over what was bothering you.

 

Take care,

SuperDave71

[Cherylyn]

I've taken some people back in my life after deceit,  betrayal and cruel words dispensed to me.   Granted,  my story is not the same as yours but sentiments are the same.  I couldn't look at that person the same way anymore.  I would even go so far as to say no eye contact anymore.  Even though we tried to patch things up and cast the past aside,  bad memories prevailed.  No amount of force can erase past soured relationships and its bad memories.  Sure,  efforts can be made but innocence had been lost forever.  The dynamic isn't the same anymore.  After a fallout,  something was missing.  There is always distrust firmly planted within the deep recesses of my brain and it will never disappear.  Why?  Because the first question that always crops up in my mind is this:  Will this person hurt me again?  My answer?  Yes,  the risk is high that it will.  I ask myself:  Am I prepared in the event that this person hurts me again?  I doubt it and the answer is a resounding NO.  I replay these scenarios in my head and history taught me to err on the side of caution by not making myself vulnerable to future harm.  Repetitive transgressions by the perpetrator are too much for me to bear and I'm done.  Estrangement makes me feel safe and it's a 100% guarantee that I can live my life in peace and contentment.  I don't want to give more years of my precious life to people who mistreat me.  It's common sense.   

After I took that person back into my life,  that person hurt me yet again.  Naivete never pays.  😠 🥵  Fool me once,  shame on you.  Fool me twice,  shame on me.  I've FINALLY learned my harsh lessons.  That person is COMPLETELY dissolved and exited from my life PERMANENTLY.  It's the only way to save myself.  It was about time for me to finally wise up.  My only regret was I didn't end it with estrangement sooner because I could've saved myself many years of unnecessary grief.  What a waste of life for me. 

In other cases,  very strict boundaries are permanently enforced.  My local sister-in-law (SIL) accused her SIL of lying several years ago.  Apologies were never forthcoming and at this rate,  never will.  My brother-in-law (BIL) and his wife were house guests at my mother-in-law's (MIL) house during their past visits for many years.  For Thanksgiving this year,  they've decided to make hotel reservations.  My BIL's wife will not cook nor extend her visit at MIL's house.  She will eat and leave with her husband and I don't blame her.   She will not help with cooking nor kitchen clean up post dinner and dessert as she had done in the past.  I'd feel the same way.  I was never close to my BIL's wife but now I am in my own way because I've since placed myself in her shoes.  Ironically,  I was called a liar by my own sister several years ago.  I empathize with my BIL and his wife.  Distrust is a big word for everyone.  Most people are risk adverse.  Also,  most people no longer wish to associate with those who've hurt them very badly.  No surprise nor shock factor there. 

[Cherylyn]

When I took the perpetrator back into my life,  it felt very awkward and distrust was permanently ingrained in me.   Love didn't exist anymore.   In my case,  the perpetrator tested me sorely yet again.  This time,  I chose the path of estrangement so I could regather my bearings,  heal my wounds and move on with my life filled with protection from future pain,  safety,  security and happiness.   

In order to love a person,  I have to respect and admire them to the point of trust never being an issue because this person had proven to me what a decent,  honorable and very moral human being they are.

Red flags in a person are sneakiness type traits,  trickiness and acting so slick.  This is before,  after or during infidelity or other times regarding any behaviors.  These defective characteristic traits are observed and distrust is permanent.   You can't force distrust to disappear nor minimize distrust.  Regaining trust is impossible.  There will ALWAYS be a seed of distrust in one's memory.  Once a shady person,  always a shady person in one way or another. 

If you decide to change,  sure your wife can live with you but it doesn't mean she'll love,  respect nor trust you anymore.  People don't have amnesia. 

During weak moments in an argument,  your wife will broach your repetitive infidelity.  Your infidelity will continue to haunt her even though you try to forget it.  She'll never let you forget it because she can't. 

This is the problem when people were so hurt in the past that they're generally finished with you.  It's the way I am and I doubt I'm that much different than the majority of the population.  Once you annihilate trust,  trust is dead. 

I hope professional marriage counseling will help you.