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Everything posted by catfeeder

  1. You have your own place to live, so what are the consequences you fear of upsetting her? I'd give her the option of joining me and making nice with my family whenever I want to go there, or not. If not, she has zero vote on how long I visit them. On the flip side, if I want to model the behavior I'd like to see from her with my family, then I'd perform that well with hers.
  2. I wouldn't want to introduce to my family someone who was mean to me, either. However, where we differ is that I wouldn't suffer multiple breakups with such a guy--there would only be ONE, and it would be permanent. What's stopping you from moving your focus onto finding someone who you will be proud to want in your life? This isn't going to get better, only worse, and your family won't be able to help you get out of this unless and until you are willing to put your best interests over the interests of one who does not deserve your efforts.
  3. Why 'must' this be an all-or-nothing issue? Aren't you dealing with two adults? I'd ask the couple how I can best help them to get off the ground in finding their own place. I'd maybe offer to shop for it with them, and if I could afford it, maybe pay first and last plus security deposit, then subsidize over time with a smaller and smaller percentage toward their rent. I'd give them a deadline to find something with my help and without creating issues in my home. However, if they aren't out by that date, or if they create a problem about this with my fiance', then the offer is off the table, and they can go fend for themselves--like adults. Plenty of people work and go to nursing school. They can take turns or find a night or weekend program. I'd offer all the support, financially and otherwise, that I can in the context of keeping my own relationship healthy and happy. This doesn't need to be a black and white issue. Either I'm capable of negotiating with my family and my partner, or I'm not. It's not about being 'wrong,' it's about being considerate without being a doormat--to anyone.
  4. If someone were to ghost me, it would show me the level of trust to invest in them should they ever contact me again. This person would need to EARN their way back into trust over t.i.m.e, I wouldn't just fork it over. Planning a surprise getaway with someone who has flaked on you before was not the best choice. So, there you have it, she behaved predictably based on her past behavior, and the question becomes, why would this surprise you?
  5. The most successful couples I know are people who also remain self-sufficient. They offer one another favors on occasion, but otherwise, they operate as autonomous adults responsible for their own self-care. They shop for their own stuff or do it together. Asking anyone for a favor that results in push-back ONCE would be enough for me to quit asking for it over and over again. Think.
  6. You're allowed to choose whatever lifestyle you wish, and these choices come with their own set of consequences. It might help to join some kind of group specific to this choice and learn what kind of boundaries and habits help others to be successful with it. Speaking only for myself, life is complicated enough solo. Adding ONE other person to the mix has its own challenges, so the idea of complicating that further with others is just not something I'd wish to take on. Good luck with that.
  7. Stop taking the bait, run your group and your social life as you see fit, and let him know that you're willing to be civil whenever your paths cross, but speaking privately is over. The just pull back your own tentacles and quit his gig. Let him run his mouth to whomever he wishes--or whatever. Just disengage and stop allowing his problems to become your own.
  8. Contracting is contracting. You can accept the terms and perform the work, or not. You can offer to be available for more work, and you can speak to whoever you wish about that, but you'll need to understand that this could either work in your favor, incite backlash from the other, or it could have no impact whatsoever. The up side to contracting is that your own time is yours to accept work elsewhere unless it's with a competitor as outlined in your non-compete clause. I'd avoid bringing 'feelings' into this negotiation. It implies that the company's business decisions are somehow responsible for your feelings, which is not accurate.
  9. The neighbor is irrelevant. The BF showed you his capacity for deception and disloyalty, and that will not change. Your instinct to dump him was a good one. My heart goes out to you for your loss of your sister. I can appreciate that suffering grief is not something you want to compound with another loss, but you already 'lost' this guy when he deceived you. I would reach out to your family and friends to ask their support during this difficult time, and I'd seek out grief counseling, private therapy--anything and ALL things to build a support network to help me move my focus forward and to heal. I'd do this all withOUT the BF who hid his motives and his relationship with his ex from you even while claiming to 'love' you. That's the kind of stuff you will thank yourself later for doing without. Advice from Grandma: The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you are too willing to pick UP the snake to play with it. Skip the snake, head high, and write more if it helps.
  10. Sounds to me like the guy is over-the-top and he's manipulating you into believing that this is YOUR problem. Dating for a few months does not auto-equal 'love'. Implying that is 'should' is creepy. The guy wants you to cough up emotional revelations that make him feel better, and that's not okay. You can keep seeing this guy if you want to, but I doubt that you--or anyone--can fill his emotional hole. It might be detrimental to you and your own head if you keep trying to do that.
  11. Ask her out, and then let her make the decision for both of you.
  12. These forums offer a mixed bag of opinions, which is the point as well. Why rip yourself off from posting based on one curt response? Social media requires a thicker skin than that--you can do this. I wouldn't regard asking a family friend to a wedding as a big deal. You enjoy one another, so why not dress up and have a good time? Head high, this is a good problem to have!
  13. Yes, I'd break up with the guy, but first I'd break up with the fantasy I've formed 'around' the guy. He's not relationship material, so why put your life on hold for someone who will never become the right match for you? Dating is not therapy, it's dating. Either someone is compatible, or they are not. Some people are best loved from far away.
  14. This is exactly what I think. It makes no sense to build an investment in a person you can't afford to see. You may want to hit him up before you head home for a visit to see if he's available, but I would NOT raise the heavy talk about feelings at this time. Who knows? Your occasional visits could evolve into something organically, but if not, you'll have stopped yourself from investing too heavily in this guy, and focus instead on meeting people who you can date more locally.
  15. Good luck with your visit. Enjoy a new experience in the comfort of your shared history. Let this teach you over time whether you'll want to relax into friend territory or whether it could lead to more.
  16. I'd stop taking the bait if I've got a drink in my hand. I'd just say, "This drink invalidates everything I'd like to say, so let's discuss it in the morning while I'm having coffee." See what happens and let us know.
  17. When it came to school for me, that was top priority. I took a job with clear-cut hours, and I lucked into one where they let me do homework there. Reception jobs are good for this, as it reflects well on the company when you're great AND people notice that they let you study. After work I'd unwind with friends or phone time, but I'd give them my time-cap up front. They would even remind me when it's close to go-time. I used this time to eat, or I'd eat while studying. I didn't pursue dating during this time, but if I organically met someone of interest, I'd fit date time into my social time. I was more flexible with this time--no cap. However, I didn't make another person my world. I didn't turn down dates with a study-excuse, I'd just say, "That's not good for me, can we make it Thursday or Saturday instead?" I'd front-load my homework into my week so that I'd be available for important weekend things. I wouldn't miss, say, my nephew's birthday party, but I'd make sure that I was in a good place with school early enough to fit in the good stuff. Transitions are hard for most people--that's why Happy Hour was invented. So don't fault yourself when you don't feel like picking up the books, just set goals and give yourself fun rewards for meeting them. When you can get assignments done early, it really helps you to enjOy everything else.
  18. I would not, regardless of living situation or anything else. Even if you'd 'win,' you'd lose, because anybody who would turn disloyal on their current partner based on interest from another isn't someone worth pursuing. Really, you'd enjoy your victory for about 5 minutes before it occurs to you that instead of being disloyal WITH you, the guy will sooner or later be disloyal TO YOU. Skip that, find your own BF, or, if the guy ever breaks up with partner of his own accord--without any influence from you--then you'll have a whole different deal to consider.
  19. If you need to ask, there's your answer. Find a GOOD match for yourself, and you'll thank yourself later.
  20. The whole point of 'talking' is to learn whether someone is a good match--or not--PRIOR TO investing in them. Envisioning a future with or without children is a typical dealbreaker with most people, so the question becomes, WHY PURSUE someone who isn't a good match for you?
  21. Instead of trying to control him, why not take control of you OWN choices? Is this the kind of BF you want? Don't buy into the 'everybody sounds like this...' BS, because you know it's not true. Decide whether this is the 'culture' you want YOUR life to become, and if not, then 'next' him, and find someone who aligns with the way YOU believe that people should be treated.
  22. Since you're married, start there. Really consider whether or not you want your marriage to work. If not, then take the responsible steps to get out of the marriage without wasting any more of your time--or your husband's. If so, then behave ONLY in ways that support making your marriage successful--for the duration. Those are clear cut choices, so make one.
  23. Sure, mine would be "Don't try to do it." If someone were to ghost me, that's all I'd need to know about him. All the wishes in the world won't make someone into a good match. I'd chalk it off as HIS limited vision rather than any reflection on me. Most people will NOT view us through the right lens, and that's why true simpatico is so rare--with lovers and with friends. That's not a bad thing. It narrows down our playing field to allow ONLY those who 'get you' to become significant in your life. Creating a fantasy 'around' someone to make them more significant than they are willing to be is not against the law, it's just a form of self-torture for zero payoff. Have you noticed? Advice from Grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you don't own enough self respect to avoid picking up the snake to play with it." Head high, and move your focus onto valuing your SELF enough to hold out for the right guy.
  24. If you're serious about managing this problem, you'll attend as many Ala-Non meetings as that takes--and right away. It won't be something you 'think about,' you'll do it. And you'll get a sponsor and work the program. If you're more enamored with complaining and enabling wife, then you'll just keep doing that. When nothing changes, nothing changes.
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