catfeeder

Glad you reached out to her. Where I heard the record scratch was when you didn’t respond to her cancellation message. After that, you appeared to have given her a choice between Friday and Saturday. While I can appreciate that it was irritating to not hear from her until Thursday, it doesn’t need to reach the level of flat out ghosting. I agree with @rainbowsandroses that announcing the weekend was off the table immediately following sex may have struck this woman as dismissive, and so she’s likely protecting her heart. If you want to attempt to reverse that sinking spiral, I’d use care and gentleness rather than cold rationalizations when dealing with her. You have nothing to lose by operating from a position of having possibly hurt her feelings at a vulnerable time, regardless of whether that makes logical sense to you or not. Fingers crossed for you!

Yes, I can hear the excitement, and I feel for you. You are likely burnt out, so trying to motivate yourself to exercise like your earlier self may be too much of a pile on at the moment. Your investment in your Dad’s safety and diligence in his exercise schedule and meals likely remains foremost in your mind even when attempting to tend to business or school work. Walking may not feel as powerful and energizing as your workouts, but if you think of it as a basic form of resistance training that moves your whole mass across gravity without the impetus of running, in addition to raising your blood flow and oxygen intake, it’s hardly a bad deal in how to spend your time. So instead of comparing it with workouts, credit it for being what you need as a recovery phase against the stresses of juggling all else. Consider ways to gently add some challenges just prior to the walk itself, even if this must cut some of your distance. For instance, require x number of sun salutations before walking, and increase this number gently over the course of a week, or x climbs up stairs, or a jog in place for x time plus a short sequence with small weights. The goal is to incorporate only modest challenge, then use the walk as your combo plate of cool down and stress relief. If you can schedule someone to stay with Dad while you take this time, you may feel less split minded about it, and more focused on creating pre-walk routines that motivate you, at very least, to beat yesterday’s session. Until you feel more liberated from the demands of just one piece of your obligation puzzle, narrow your focus and don’t compare your performance with others or with any other point in your own life. Strive merely for contentment with what you CAN offer yourself and your loved ones, and push anything more difficult than that to a date to be determined. Also consider testing out some caregiver support groups online or local to you. You may feel encouraged by those who understand your pressures and can offer tricks or other forms of help in managing them. With you in spirit!

Yeah, it’s typical of people who are rebounding from a breakup or newly divorced, but the most dangerous are those not yet divorced. I’d consider anyone separated or going through divorce to be off limits. That’s adding another layer of crazy to what’s already crazy. It never matters what a lovebomber or a rebounder ‘says,’ because they’ve not taken the time to stabilize solo. So they’re all over the place, leapfrogging to the next person and projecting the familiarity of the relationship habits they’ve never broken out of onto them. A typical rebound cycle is a rush to connect followed by a speech about what a wonderful person you are, but they really should have taken more time to “find myself”. This can happen in a month or a year, but if this person was asked whether they’re rebounding going in, they would have insisted that they were not. So it’s up to each of us to protect ourselves by being the sane one who can look at a calendar and decide that this person is not a good bet to mess with. An alternative is to tell such a person that you’re stepping away while you both think highly of one another, and if they would like to reach out in 6 months or a year, if you’re still available, maybe you can catch up then. This allows you to preserve the potential without involving yourself in the rebound cycle. Head high, we all learn by living.

This is great news! Enjoy, and see whether she’s open to even a small kiss. No need to go overboard and dump some big confession on her, just signal with a kiss that you’re interested in being more than friends.

My heart goes out to you and your parent. What is her or his level of needed care? For instance, total bed care, wheelchair bound, semi ambulatory with assistance or fully ambulatory? Are there any nursing or physical therapy services that visit the home, or are you transporting parent to therapeutic sessions? How alert is parent, and would you trust her/his judgment to allow you any self care time without them taking a risk of falling or wandering? More details about how you currently manage your time would help us to offer suggestions better suited to your needs.

Yes! And, this doesn’t make anyone ‘wrong’ or’bad’ or a villain to recognize the incompatibilities and part ways. Most people are just not our match, and those are natural odds. Would you want to spend the rest of your life feeling envious of other couples who are expressly happy and in love? Are you afraid to hold out for that?

I agree, you can keep asking, but if you don’t even love the guy enough to mention that as your number one priority for wanting this to work, then why would you even want to put your love life on hold for him for 2 years? You could move for the job and meet the love of your life. You’d be free to spend the next 2 years working at a job you love without being tethered to someone you’re not even passionate about. These are years you will never get back to relive over again. If you want to spend them tied to someone who doesn’t even meet your criteria on a spreadsheet, you can do that, but if you don’t hold the emotional love for him to balance that out, what’s the point? Do you fear that this is the only man in the whole world who could ever love you?

I'm glad you wrote that you don't care what these people think, as that is the key thing that will help you through this. The friend is not a friend, and I'm so sorry he chose this way of showing himself to be disloyal. I'd distance myself from him, and I'd treat myself to a nice pedicure. I wouldn't complicate my own pain from the loss of this friend with concerns about the foot fetish. That harms nobody.

Depressed people are each as unique as anyone else. Some like to post dark stuff or announce to the world how depressed they feel or discuss how they are handling it. Others may feel no shame about it but don't necessarily want to broadcast about it, and still others want to hide it as a private matter or might even feel ashamed of it and try to project the opposite. Sometimes that's so people don't worry about them (as was my case), and especially after a major life event such as a separation, presenting a lifestyle of normalcy can feel comforting and prevent ostracization. We can't speak for her, but most people who are active on SM put on their best face.

I would gently break up, and no, I would not attempt to be friends. That's too messy and would interfere with the natural course of progression to new relationships for each of you. I understand there's nothing wrong with the guy, and the two of you are intelligent enough to have made this work in the future but for two crucial deal breakers. First, years of long distance, and second, despite all the kindness and niceness, you never said that you truly love this man. Lots of people get along well. That's great for neighbors and friends, but it doesn't make a strong enough foundation to overcome all of your incompatibilities with this man. Go work your great career, you've earned that. Hold out for love, you deserve that.

Sounds to me like this isn’t a person who will deal with you on practical matters. She’ll use your desire to work these details as a game to force you to grovel and acquiesce before she’ll respond, and she’ll continue to toy with you about them. Skip that. Nothing is worth dealing with her anymore. You finally did the smart thing, and it makes no sense to allow belongings to be used to blackmail you into submission. I’d change my locks so the keys are useless, and I’d file a small claim for a court to get your money back instead of attempting to deal with her. I’d bet money she won’t deal with you otherwise, she’ll just turn it into a circus to humiliate you without ever complying. Don’t save small court as a last resort— just go straight there, and hopefully when she’s served, she’ll comply rather than face a judge.

Yes, I agree with what you consider to be the real motivation for tagging another with an amateur diagnosis. I’m describing the responses when someone calls them out on that. They default to, “I’m just trying to figure them out so I can help them…” rather than cop to what you’ve said. But my answer to either and any scenario is to walk away from anyone who mistreats you. That’s the most ‘helpful’ message you can send to them, and leave THEIR diagnosis to professionals. Focus instead on healing your Self.

It would be worth it to change your locks and call it a day. Consider it the cost of tuition for the most important lesson you’ve ever learned.

Whenever we ask people why they are so invested in diagnosing those who mistreat them instead of simply walking away, they say that they want to help them. But the best way to help such a person is to walk away. You can’t fix her, so don’t use her as a distraction from fixing yourself and your willingness to put up with abuse. Step one is to walk away, and only then can you be productive in figuring out why you stayed as long as you did.

The stuff is replaceable, just send her half the deposit then block her. It's taken you a year to liberate yourself--don't sabotage that for anything.

Oh, geez. I forgot about this part. OP, you don't need 'closure' from something that was never opened. The woman likely enjoyed being a pen pal until she got invested in her own real life. That's not a reflection on you.

Good. It might be helpful to consider that, generally speaking, people who are willing hold off on sex while continuing to date are often well aware that there are so many important things to invest in learning about a person beyond their body. On top of that, everyone has their own preferences, and contrary to what gets hyped by the sex industry, plenty of women prefer that men aren't large. I hope you'll go easy on yourself and enjoy getting to know this woman without psyching yourself out.

While the exercise of writing might help to clarify things in your mind and get them off your chest, I would not send such a message. Think about your intentions. Do you want to try to influence your ex in any way? If so, it's an attempt to manipulate her, and she'll see through it. If not, there's no reason to send it, because no matter how you slice it, the overall message behind your message would be, "I'm still so hung up on you that I can't manage self control, so instead of writing privately to myself, I'm sending this to try to influence you, no matter how unattractive it makes me appear." Don't do it. Understand that nobody can tell another when their grief 'should' subside, but I can tell you that healing isn't something that magically happens 'to' us. It requires our participation. Think of how you are spending your time, and if it hasn't been invested in tending to those friends and family in your life who you may have neglected in favor of this relationship, please consider reaching out to set up time with each of them. Make commitments you will not break. Whether you help a neighbor garden or clean out a garage, or you just treat someone to a drink or a meal and listen to them, it will move you out of your own way, and it will help you to 'normalize' and feel valued again. It leads to confidence as it gets you back out into the world. Our focus is everything. If you're ruminating, you're drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of, and you're making your own healing more difficult. If you can invest, instead, in pursuing some interests, hobbies, time giving of yourself to other people, you are making that climb forward one step at a time. Head high, and write more if it helps.

One tip for getting better grades would be to punctuate your sentences. While you may consider whether any other job might suit you better, if not, you'd only put yourself through the same resistance with another job. While you're describing the sinking feeling lots of people get when they don't want to end their time off and go to work the next day, the fact that you're doing this perpetually throughout the week is something you may want to contact your school's counseling department for help managing. Counselors can teach you tools and techniques for shifting your perspective in your own favor, and holding yourself accountable to them can help train you to do the exercises they can give you. However, while we can all use our inner voice in a more productive and encouraging way (like the voice of an inspiring coach instead of a saboteur), a counselor is also trained to assess whether something deeper needs to be addressed, such as depression or anxiety, or another condition for which you might opt for treatment. I'd also consider whether your resistance is an internal plea for your parents to allow you to remove this undesired thing from your schedule? If this is your first job, you might be longing for age 17, when such a thing was not required of you. At 18 you may not have yet reconciled that adults will no longer remove undesired circumstances from your path. It's something we've all had to accept, yet some people find this easier than others. If I could give my younger self advice, it would be that my own self talk can make things harder for me OR easier for me, depending on my own choice in how I frame things. If my inner voice is critical and resistant, I can talk myself into making things far more difficult than they need to be. As an adult, this was the most liberating thing I've ever learned how to change, and I wish I could have learned this when I was your age. Head high and write more if it helps.

No, our bodies often tell us what our mind doesn't wish to know. This isn't just visual. For instance, our sense of smell can unconsciously pick up the scent of another's immune system and signal a lack of attraction when theirs is too closely similar to our own. This is because, while our offspring might take on the height genes of one partner or the curly hair of the other, the immune systems of both partners combine to form a broader and stronger protection in our children. So our sense of smell seeks diversity in these genes. This is just only one example of why we can't force attraction. It's far more complex than looks or matching values and interests. As for trying to rush your urge to couple up, it's not helpful to sabotage your own psyche when you can mobilize, instead, to raise your odds of meeting more women. Expand your social life through meetup.org groups, community projects, volunteering for causes that matter to you, using dating apps, doing what it takes to meet people and cultivate friendships which can raise your chances of being introduced to more women socially. However, it's crucial to grasp the natural odds that most people are NOT our match. It's like trying to fit two puzzle pieces together. You can't force a fit without impacting the outcome--and wasting your time. We all view one another through a unique lens, and the right match for you will attract you. Some wrong matches might attract you, too, and that's true for everyone. It's why, the more important partnering is to you, the more resiliency you'll need to keep moving forward to meet more potential matches. Self sabotage won't improve your odds, and neither will social stagnation. Head high, you can do this.

This tells you all you really need to know. A partner is supposed to be someone we feel able to trust. This guy is not that for you. He's also no the only guy in the world. Find a better man.

She only became suspicious when he danced with her? The fact that, right upfront, he was hiding his texting other women from his GF--that didn't ring any warning bells for her? Anyone who is disloyal to their own partner is un-trust-worthy--for anyone to deal with. Allowing him into one's home is a flat out stupid move. I wouldn't put it past an un-trust-worthy person to be casing the joint for future access, capable of spiking a drink, stealing something, or anything else. I'd question this friend's judgment going forward. She wouldn't be my go-to source of advice, that's for sure.

Why? All this EX wants to do is meet the person who will be a mother figure to her kid. No lawyers required. If an ex puts conditions on child visitation to which the other does not agree, then obtaining legal advice for handling this is a valid suggestion. None of us can speak to his ex's motivations or intentions. He knows her far better than we do--we're strangers on the Internet.

It's never a good idea to try to keep someone in a relationship who is raising doubts. They're raising them because they want you to do the dirty work of respecting yourself enough to walk away. Head high.

That'll do it. When is the last time you had a confrontation with one of your parents about your sex life? It can certainly throw a wet blanket on things. You get to decide whether this woman matters to you enough to stop pressuring her. Her parent's home no longer feels like a safe place for her to have sex.