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Everything posted by catfeeder

  1. Speaking only for myself, there is no way that I would uproot my life to move in--long distance--with anyone who isn't crazy in love with me and has no reservations about telling me so. Unless there's some way of closing the distance without moving in together in order to see how well you can date and see one another over a normal course of living, I'd skip him, and I'd start dating guys locally.
  2. He's quite a charmer. There's no way I would stay with someone this cruel for 5 minutes, much less consider taking him back. Think more of your Self, dear. Once you can get even an inkling of your own unique value, you'll relax into confidence that someday, the RIGHT guy will be able to appreciate you, too. Hold out for THAT kind of relationship. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up for one miserable experience after another, because your standards are waaaay too low. Head high, and consider making this guy no more important than a blip on your radar--you deserve SO much better.
  3. There's never a 'right' time for a breakup, so waiting for her to settle will only keep you on a tender hook for ever. I'd talk to your therapist about creating an exit plan. You get to decide if or when to use it, but having it in place will be a good psychological safety net for you.
  4. Yeah, he stepped beyond professional and went personal. He's either disappointed or embarrassed, but that's really his problem. We need to see our co-workers every. single. work. day. So attempts to impose a new context on that are not always--maybe even not usually--well received, and that's on him. I'd stay cheerful and do my part to put things back in place rather than go awkward, myself. I'd just pretend to not notice the distancing if our paths cross, and I'd never raise the subject. If HE ever raises it, I'd add a convenient amnesia to my cheerfulness and gently let him know that I enjoy speaking with him, but I don't want to mix my private life with my work life.
  5. You've got to be kidding. You really need to pipe down.
  6. I would consider suggesting to GF that money talks. If she wants them out by a certain day, she can offer to subsidize the first month, last month and security deposit on a new place then decrease her subsidy by a percentage over x months to get them out--without conflict. However, 'without conflict' is the key. If there's another argument or trouble before that time, the offer is off the table and they'll still need to leave, but without the financial help. An expensive solution, but it's a solution.
  7. Well, this can tell you a lot. You may notice that the thoughts pop up whenever you're contemplating future plans or a timeline or a birthday or anything that has to do with time--because the time spent with that guy is time you can't get back. Another factor could be fear of making a mistake. If you're feeling stressed, you may ruminate over this guy because you consider him a mistake you wish that you didn't make. All of this is natural, and it will likely fade in time after you feel more confident and secure in your future path. Until then, I'd focus on shifting the thoughts to less about him, and more about the growth you've gained SINCE him. This can enable a degree of self-forgiveness because you're minimizing HIS importance in the scheme of things and addressing, instead, the central issue--YOU and your ability and willingness to appreciate how mistakes can grow us into better and happier people IF we can accept them as learning devices rather than failures. Head high, and congrats on the path you've earned. Keep on making it better, and as you do, you'll enjoy more liberation from the distraction of whatshisname.
  8. Her door will never open again as long as she continues to feel the pressure of your investment in her. The only real shot you've got is to move FORward to create a positive and robust life for yourself. Otherwise, you'll stagnate pining for her, and that's NOT going to attract her back--just the opposite. I understand that you'll need to grieve, but the less she knows or hears about that, the better. I also understand that letting go of grief feel like you're letting go of hope--and of her, but just the opposite is true. Living YOUR best life IS the only potential for future curiosity and attraction. There is nothing in it for her to return out of feeling guilty or lousy for you. If you need to use your hope to motivate yourself, then use it, but in the right direction. Commit to launching yourself forward to show not just her, but your Self, what kind of growth you can achieve and the passions for living that you can build. Head high, and discover liberation as your win/win. You'll learn what that means once you get there.
  9. YaaaY, you! Go and be NICE, not a whiner, and see how this changes your work life.
  10. Maybe dating is so hard for you because you're such a downer? Nobody responds well to that. You might believe that people think you're confiding in them when you say hostile things, but the common theme in all of your negativity is YOU. I'd consider learning (through books, videos, ANYthing) how to retrain the critical voice you run in your own head, and replace it instead with the voice of a challenging but optimistic coach. You are your own worst enemy, and the bad stuff you predict WILL become a self-fulfilling prophesy unless you start considering ways to change your own mind, and you start speaking to yourself accordingly. Nobody here--or anywhere--can do that FOR you. It's an inside job, and the only way to do it is to DO it.
  11. Well, then why fear her anymore? She's already on record for her harassment, so if she pulls it again, smile, nod, walk away, and go straight to the person who has already received complaints about her.
  12. I'd stop viewing any potential date as THE ONLY possible date in the world. It's a needle in the haystack thing. Most people are NOT our match. You set yourself up badly by trying to dip into the company pool, especially when you already know what kind of juvenile climate it is. You set yourself up badly by raising your hopes for someone who's already got a BF, or if not, would be so recently broken up that there'd be a chance that she's still hung up on him. Why not use online dating apps to set up 'quick meets' over coffee with MULTIPLE people over the course of your next few weeks on your way home from work. These are not dates. They're a coffee to check one another out. Agree that neither can corner the other on the spot for a real date, but either can invite the other afterward by message. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary. This takes buildup, fantasy, rejection and all kinds of unhealthy stuff off the table, and it just allows you to do a one-at-a-time speed meet to eventually stumble across someone you click with. Don't catastrophize--you'll make yourself miserable for zero payoff. Head high, and consider rejection odds as natural and universal. We all go through it.
  13. The word 'confront' is too strong, especially when it's focused on something you know nothing about. I'd just tell him I was on FB and looked up his friend 'HerName'. Just wondering who she is. Then listen.
  14. Big congrats to you and your family, Seraphim! I love to hear good news.
  15. Hide the stuff you don't want him to wash in a separate place. No nagging necessary.
  16. Falling in love with a fantasy 'about' someone is not the same as meeting in person and learning who they really ARE. This doesn't mean that your feelings aren't real, it just means that you're setting yourself up for misery because the real world will fail to compete with the experiences you're living in your own head. People who do this are often not investing enough in their own lives and bringing real people into it regularly. I hope you'll heed some of the advice given above, and I hope you will do what it takes to focus on exploring some interests and forming some passions of your own that aren't dependent on outcomes with a total stranger.
  17. Oh, this is exactly where you do NOT want to position yourself. If she needs to talk about the breakup, she's not over him, so she's not ready. The fact that they've broken up and got back together is a caution. That can happen again, and you don't want to position yourself as a casualty. I'd stay in touch, but I would not jump on the dating wagon until you've established how far in the rearview mirror this breakup actually is. If it's a mirror she's still checking, skip her until she's free and clear to focus on seeing you for the RIGHT reasons. BandAids get discarded after wounds heal. Don't be one of those.
  18. No, no and no. If you have these fears about her, then don't stir the pot with a letter. Period. You already know that the woman is unstable, so why are you even messing with her? Hopefully, this is a lesson learned. You cannot trust this woman or her judgment, so where does that leave you? On to find someone reasonable. Head high, and skip dwelling where you are damned either way.
  19. I hate to say this, but it doesn't sound as though you're mature enough to survive living with ANYone. Your family has already learned to manage your nit magnification, so stick with them until you can outgrow this. If you attempt to live with others in your current state, you could end up in jail, or worse.
  20. There is no way that I'd have a next date with anyone who even slightly suggested that early sex is the only way to keep him around. Instead, I'd take him up on it. I'd kindly tell him that his warning is well taken, and I'd get away as early as possible to never see him again. No harm, no foul--no trying to 'convert' him into backpedaling on what he has already shown me about his true nature. If you want to simplify dating, skip the idea of trying to appeal to men, and instead, get mentally clear and solid about what YOU want in a man and in a relationship. From there, you will never cater to anyone who doesn't align with what YOU want. You'll chalk him off as a bad match and move forward to meet the next guy for coffee. Once you can grasp that most people are NOT a good match, then you'll approach dating like trying to find the needle in the haystack--and you'll be okay with that. You'll allow bad matches to pass early. No trying to 'win' them. Even as you meet one guy after another who is crude or rude or manipulative, you'll accept those odds as natural and you'll simply next them to keep moving forward to find the ONE guy who brings you true simpatico. Don't settle, and don't believe that you have to. Head high, and you've done some great work!
  21. Message behind crushing the paper: "I have no interest in this." Message behind professor's question: "If you have no interest, why are you here?"
  22. Maybe you can keep your current job with child care and find a second part time night gig? College kids do it.
  23. Unless and until the two of you can navigate the geographic distance gap, it's all just fantasy, isn't it?
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