catfeeder

Okay, great. That's a few weeks away, and your hobby, while engrossing, is solitary. Consider this social circle you'll see at the party, and reach out to some of those friends to hang one-on-one, or tend to family, or a neighbor, or whoever can use your help with something. The point is to be 'externally' busy and to cultivate your bonds with others instead of strengthening a reclusive tendency. This works best when you are motivated to move out of your own way. Not only is this a great healing technique, it can move you beyond reclusive tendencies, which tend to solidify as we age. When that happens, it's more and more difficult to reverse.

Yeah, he's disloyal. Not friendship material. I'd stop replying to him, and I'd avoid close dancing with him. If he asks you anything about not texting, I'd just be honest with him, "I'd heard that you didn't want your GF knowing about the women you text, and I'm not down with that." Boom, done. But I wouldn't allow his presence to stop me from enjoying the rest of the group. Think of it as navigating your way through a wedding reception. There's sometimes somebody who has a rep for groping or whatever, and you'd have no trouble avoiding him. Also, as is common safety practice today, be careful with your drink. Not only should you never leave it unattended, but even while standing with it, there are cocktail fitting lids for women that allow just the straw to poke through. But I'd still watch it, because the straw itself can get spiked.

If you want to defend son's position on this, that's not against the law. It just won't buy you anything. I'm with grandma. None of us are 'entitled' to assume the degree of our imposition on another. Son gets to live with himself for doing that, and if he wants to offend and disown his own grandmother over such a small thing, then he gets to live with that, too. He won't be able to make things right with her after she's gone. If you ever decide that he's making a mistake, then hopefully you're close enough with him to communicate that with him. Best wishes.

I can't speak to normal. However, since you've preferred porn over the inconvenience or whatever of pursuing real women, then I agree that it might be a smart idea to forego the porn if you intend to get sexual with a real woman. I don't personally consider it a matter of respect, as I believe in bodily autonomy and your right to do whatever you please with your own body in private, but I do believe that an excessive reliance on self sex can possibly impact your enjoyment or performance with a real woman. I wouldn't argue if you believe that I'm wrong about that--to each his own.

He's a grown man. Either he's capable of negotiating with his employer the time he needs to secure services for his home, or he's not. If not, then why didn't he have an emergency lineup for a case like this? That's part of Life Management 101. Son could have left the cats 12 hours worth of food, and you could have been there in 4 hours the next day. If that wasn't convenient for you, then why should it have been convenient for anyone else? Again, grandma didn't ask for this. It's not her responsibility. Son is miffed because she wouldn't allow him to impose upon her this way. If you and he both want to agree that this must make grandma a villain, then here you are. And son has learned his entitlement well from you.

Because driving an hour each day didn't work for this woman. It's that simple, and it's that valid. This is what I mean by "assigning." You and son are both assigning this woman a villain status because she didn't perform as expected. That's trumped up. She didn't ask for this. Couldn't YOU have gone to stay at son's place for those days as son's first choice, or otherwise help him find a professional service to do this instead of assigning expectations to this woman? I'm not making you out to be 'wrong' if you didn't do that, but just as you had your reasons for not being son's first choice of reliance, so did grandma. When I travel, I never ask family to drive out to look after my place. I hire someone or bargain with a close neighbor. That's just part of adult living--tending to our own business. So the premise that son is rightfully disowning his grandmother over this ridiculously small perceived slight is the stuff of unfortunate Thanksgiving dinners. If you want to support son's perceptions of being wronged by his own grandmother, so be it. Enjoy the righteousness, and consider what you're modeling for your son. I'd have stuck up for grandma. Period.

I think assigning roles to family members can be a boomerang of disappointment. So then we hurt our own feelings when they fail to live up to the image we've assigned to them. For instances, there are grandma's who try to live up to Hallmark-style behaviors, while others are more relaxed, like the 'Auntie Name' character and don't even especially like babies or kids. Most people, realistically, fall somewhere in between. So son, a grown man, believed that he was entitled to assign grandma to drive a half hour each way (a full hour of driving!) to feed a pet, when there are local services for that. Or friends who live closer, or whatever. That doesn't sound reasonable to me. However, we can't 'make' a grown adult repair their relationships. I would use my best influence to soften son's edges a bit on his expectations, but if he's hard core and doubling down, I'd leave it alone.

How long has this friend been living in town? Have you seen or heard from her since her move there? I wouldn't do myself the disservice of attempting to characterize her intentions. People go through their own stuff, and we can't always fathom what that is. I'd make room for a mystery as I pull back and let her be. This in no way invalidates your feelings. It's natural to feel hurt. I just wouldn't make that more painful for myself by projecting motives onto her. I might be your grandmother's age, and I can tell you from experience that people have surprised me over the years by cycling back into my life of their own volition. I later learn that they were going through a thing, like drugs or drinking or mental or physical illness. I was often told that I was the one person who they didn't want to harm with their foray into their dark side. I was glad that I had not mischaracterized their reasons, which could have embittered me.

Exactly my thought. People generally use dating apps for this. They set up quick meets for coffee to check one another out. Could it be advantageous to have a bunch of people line up to do this in one place? Maybe. I just think the post sounds over-promising and likely a set up for a big expense.

Of course you were irritated, it's your default. You were included in a lovely wedding to share happiness and joyous energy, you were treated to a nice dinner with your friend who you supposedly love, but it was all for nothing? That's your own sour voice doing it's usual hatchet job, and it's no surprise why you remain joyless and potentially friendless. Of course it rubs you the wrong way, because it's all about you, right? And of course, it's so insulting of her to have a baby! Do you hear yourself? People who live 12 hours away typically announce their plans to be in the area so that others CAN shift their plans IF they so desire. What is the alternative? She could send you a private handwritten invitation via pony express, and you'd still balk at the nerve of her to inform you of her travels... Either take the PTO time to see this person who matters to you, or stop claiming that she matters and get real. You're learning how difficult it has become to make new friends. Part of this might be the lack of generosity of spirit others can sense in you. You have a choice in the lens through which you view others. Unfortunately, you use yours to pick people apart rather than embrace with gratitude the moments you are blessed to be included in their lives. That's your choice, and as you've probably noticed, your choices have not been serving you well. Rethink.

Why not use some of your PTO time to prioritize your friendships whenever they make this possible? I dunno, Alex. You sound shortsighted and only focused on finding fault to keep yourself miserable. When my friends and cousins were saddled with young children, I was always the 'free' one to travel where they live. I never minded reaching out to make the plans, because I was more flexible, and I worked around their schedules. A mother's priorities are her children and her husband. Wherever she can fit me in is my pleasure, not my resentment. Have I ever gotten a bit bored sometimes or annoyed by their household chaos? Sure, but it was never about resenting my friend for the changes in her life. The landscape of our friendship changed, and I adapted until my own priorities changed and became my focus--only to be pleasantly surprised whenever an old friend's focus was liberated as their children grew, and I found myself once again prioritized to whatever degree. What a blessing! You're the one who's responsible for maintaining the contacts that are important to YOU. It's natural for friendships to diverge over the course of life while each must adjust their focus. Maturity requires that we either adapt to this, or otherwise lose the thread that had once connected us in the past. I've dropped some of those threads, not out of resentment, but because my own priorities shifted. Thankfully, these friends understood this, and we picked up again when it was possible for us both to do so. You do you, but as usual, you sound focused on keeping yourself miserable rather than grateful for what you CAN do with the people you supposedly love.

No, you didn't mess up by not holding her hand. I can only speak for myself, and if my interest in someone at work became so obvious that my coworkers felt entitled to behave the way yours are treating you? I'd shut that down. I'd remain friendly and professional even while I quit all contact with this person beyond business. Same with anyone who's part of this peanut gallery. This may not be true for you, but I view my workplace as my livelihood, and my reputation as something I'm responsible for cultivating. If the people around me are juvenile enough to make a crush the center of their attention, I'm not going to play. I can form friendships outside of work, and I'd keep my dating life outside of there as well.

Wow. "Correct" according to whom? If this critic is someone important to you, it might be interesting to learn where they got that idea, but otherwise, nonsense. That's like chasing someone down the street to tell them you don't want to talk to them. The only time I believe that it's incumbent on me to inform someone that I'll be out of touch is if I ever may cross paths with them in shared social circles. Which addresses your point below. Exactly. Respect is earned and maintained, it's not a given to be offered to someone who has already mooted it. I hear. She's unaware that the automatic deference she pays to her family is not a universal given. She reacted like an infant, and in an odd way, that served you well to see clearly. Good. Meanwhile, reach out to those you care about who may have been neglected while you were focused on whutsurname, and fill your calendar with plans to catch up with your good people. I always poo-poohed such advice during my healing from breakups because I'm an introvert, but that was to my detriment. Isolation made my recovery ten times more difficult, because I spun myself too deeply into my own head. That drill inward is tough climb out! I learned the wisdom of staying social when I suffered anxiety after a hurricane. I forced myself to surround myself with people at all times, because for the first time in my life, being alone was not a comfort. So act 'as if' you must obligate yourself socially, and make that time about-them-not-you. You will thank yourself after each time you force yourself to just show up. Even when you don't feel like it. You won't feel 'on' enough to put on your best face, and that can make you a fabulous listener. It can lead to the kind of bonding you've never experienced, no matter how well you think you may know someone. This can become a game-changer for you if you work it.

I agree with this. Most marriages after living together 5 years fail, because by that time it wasn't fully voluntary by one--it was a response to an ultimatum. Then the marriage suffers because one feels hemmed in while the other doesn't trust the union to have been voluntary. Skip that. Make your plan to leave, line up your new home, then tell him that you are leaving and do it. If you want to keep the door open, as @Batya33 suggested, you can do that, but place your focus forward on cultivating a new life for yourself, because expecting this to be the thing that 'converts' him only sets you up for a deeper disappointment. If you have family planning in mind, then you are wise to stop investing your best fertility years in someone who doesn't share your vision. It also doesn't serve you to run the narrative in your head that you're not good enough, when it's more accurate to say that this man simply doesn't own the capacity to recognize your unique value--or he's just not as focused on the bio-clock that limits you. The right man for you WILL see and appreciate you. So stay exactly as you are, minus the spin that because one guy isn't right for you, that this must somehow be a reflection on you. It is not. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Has he bothered to reach out to you? If not, why are you not seeing that his ogling women and leaving you at the bar was his statement that this whole thing doesn't matter to him. If you think because you share mutual friends, your message would leave a better impression on him than silence, think again. It contains a criticism in it that he can't change, so he'll just badmouth you anyway to try to make himself sound judged. Skip that. This guy will not be kind to you behind your back, and there's no salvaging that. Best to not start a perception war with him. If you really need to tell him something, you can say, "Just reaching out as I said I would. Thank you for the drink, and I look forward to seeing you with (names of mutual friends) someday." Boom. Done.

You can pretzel around this all you want, it's not against the law. It's just not going to transform an un-trust-worthy guy into a trust-worthy one. You can parent him, which is exhausting and unsexy, you can beg him, you can nag him, you can pretend he's not a liar. But the only way to have a secure and loving relationship with a trust-worthy man is to go find him. This guy? Not him.

It might be helpful to know that that these are natural odds. There's no click, because a click is supposed to be rare. Otherwise, what would be so special about it? So the men, who also sense no click, raise a second date to politely close the current date, but they know better--and so do you. Most people are NOT our match. Of all the friends and good acquaintances you've enjoyed over the course of your life, only a few of those became your closest or best friends. It's no insult to the rest of these perfectly fine people that you've only clicked with certain folks.. So beating down your own confidence over this rarity does not serve you. Just as the right friends view you through the right lens, so will the right partner. Until then, it's just two equally valid puzzle pieces meeting to see if there's a fit, and there is usually not. This doesn't invalidate either, it simply means that you must keep seeking a fit until you find simpatico. Rejection only speaks of the limited vision of the one who is rejecting. They don't own the capacity to see and appreciate your unique value, but the right person for you will. So it's rather fortunate that you haven't been pushed into a corner of needing to reject a second date from one with whom you share no attraction. What's the point in going there? Keep meeting men, and treat it like a needle in the haystack pursuit. This is true for everyone--it's not a reflection on you. Head high.

Congratulations on your self respect. You will thank yourself sooner rather than later, and no, I don't believe it's cowardly to block anyone with whom you don't wish to speak. Someone who would characterize it that way is probably a controlling ninny who's been blocked themselves--for good reason. But there's really nothing left to say to this person. While families are often part of a potential lover's package to whatever degree, it's one thing to have some jerks in that deal, but it's quite another for a partner to avoid putting them in their place in terms of respectful conduct or otherwise avoid them in favor of the chosen partner. This woman did neither, so not only is she disloyal, even worse, she, herself was disrespectful to you. In this context, that's not forgivable. It's natural to miss the relationship and grieve it, but consider that anyone who would scream at you has a screw loose, and staying with them afterward gives implicit permission for that behavior to continue. But it doesn't just continue--all abuse escalates once a threshold is crossed successfully. Someone who would stay with such a person signals a lack of self respect, and so the disrespect is heightened, and it's all downhill from there. Consider celebrating to soothe your grief by doing the opposite of isolation. Involve yourself with friends, family, neighbors or community by reaching out and making commitments you will not break. Even helping a friend to clean our their garage or paint a room can help 'normalize' you into feeling valuable and social again. Head high, you've got this!

So your answer to being with an untrustworthy guy is to try to keep him home for a while? Is this how you want to live?

This is your barrier to breaking up? You don't owe anyone an explanation for that. Breakups are not a democracy. Nobody else is living your love life FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote. You're allowed to say that the relationship is no longer working for you. If anyone pries, you can say, "I'm not ready to speak about this any further." You've been putting up with untrustworthy behaviors for 5 years. At what point do you recognize that being able to trust a partner is foundational in a relationship?

I wouldn't see the point, this has nowhere left to go. If you imagine that he would respond by telling you how sorry he is, I'd challenge you to be more realistic. He's rude on several fronts. So why would you want to position yourself for him to get defensive then turn offensive and insult you? I'd chalk this off as a confirmed mismatch and just walk away.

Not only would I find his reaction to the scene unnerving, his treatment of you afterward would seal the deal for me. He already has no problem voicing disrespect toward you, and he's already manipulating you with punishment for your feelings. His treatment of you is not likely to get better if you stick around to tolerate this. I'd ask myself, "Is this the kind of man with whom I envision spending my future?" I hope you'll make a wise decision to walk away.

I wouldn't react to this yet. It's not usually simple to petition another country to allow you to become a permanent resident. Stay uninvested while you speak with her more about her plans. Maybe take a trip there with her and learn about the realities of it. If your Mom's plan turns out to be bona fide, would you consider living there with her?

This seems to be an option taken by a lot of people. He may have found what he believes is the perfect ring, so he took the opportunity to buy it, but this doesn't mean he plans to spring it on you prematurely. If he does, you can say yes, but that you wouldn't be comfortable sharing this with anyone until x date, and explain why.

Whether he is or isn't married is really irrelevant. OP, no matter how you slice it, this dude is nowhere near willing or able to give you the kind of relationship you want and deserve. If I needed to tell myself he was married, or has a personality disorder, or he has a drug problem, or any other excuse to walk away from him, it would be a smart and valid way to liberate myself and jumpstart my own life. I'd quit using the guy as my barrier to doing so. You've already got a therapist. Good work, but this person works FOR YOU. So don't be passive and waste your money--ask for a treatment plan to get yourself moving forward instead of sitting in stagnation. Ask for homework for the time between sessions. Keep a notebook to review with the therapist and keep yourself accountable for doing the work required to learn HOW to start enjoying your potential.