Shycarrot

I don't understand why you saying this sentence out of context, she was the one asking me if I found her relationship weird. I just told her to be cautious in the beginning, especially because I know (and her too) her tendency to fall in love quickly. Not at all. I said this in the beginning but when we saw each other in march or February, she told me some things that she knew I would find problematic. But she still did; To sum it up, when they met he told my friend that that none of his relationships ended badly. She later found out from her boyfriend's friend that the only 2 exes who live in town actually hate him. Apparently, the first one was a trans women that he dated to assess if he was "gay". He dumped her saying he preferred sleeping with women (yes ... that's awful). Last December, this ex begged him to give her back one of the paintings she gave him during their relationship. (She's a painter) He pettily refused and my friend had to convince him to do so, because she empathized with her. His second ex was "crazy" according to him. This relationship only lasted 3 months and apparently, there was some emotional and physical abuse (It's the only thing I know). Besides, his friends make racist and sexist jokes. She had to tell him that it was not okay for him to "realize" it. Finally, he does not defend her when one of his roommates makes fun of her (apparently he belittles her, he loves to make fun of her laugh ...) . When she shared this with his bf, his reply was "well ... maybe he likes you". But then, he talked to his roommate saying "you know ... my gf is pretty sensitive, it's hard to handle sometimes" ... So yeah ... In my book, there are some orange and red flags in here (especially the treatment of his first ex). Do not worry, I didn't make any remark about this, I only nodded when she told me this and I made sure that nothing in my facial expression would let her know how outraged I was. But my point is : I don't think she got offended that I told her to be cautious in the beginning. Otherwise, she would not have shared these massive red/orange flags with me.

It's such an inspirational post, thank you so much !! Maybe it's silly and inaccurate but I have come to think of friendships and intimate relationships in general, as multilayered. I would not say those are objective !!! I find that it describe my friendships pretty well. The deepest one is built with trust and time, it's tied with the "esteem" you have of the person. It's the most difficult to tackle, unless something really serious happens like a betrayal, huge mistake etc ... The shallow one is fed by shared moments/experiences, inside jokes ... It deteriorates quickly but can be rebuilt almost as fast. It's a sort of complicity/spontaneity that I only have with people I interact with the most. When it's not there because of circumstances, I am guarded, even if the deep layer is here. It takes some time to grow back. For instance, when I went abroad with my other long time friend that I had not seen in a long time, at first, there was some kind of distance : we had not seen each other for 6 months (she was traveling) and in the meantime, we had experienced so much. But within a few hours/days, the "shallow layer" was back. But I don't know, maybe it's just me. With the other friend, there's only a deep layer. I am actually anxious before I see her, I make a list of what I want to share because I don't know when I will see her again, there's a lot of things that I don't tell her because things are just different now. There's no emotional intimacy, and it takes me a while to warm up again

First I want to say thank you to all of you. I want to clarify that, as surprising as this may seem, this issue does not take a lot of my mental space ! I generally reframe my thoughts to something that makes me happier : right now, I get a lot of free time to invest in my new hobbies, I meet new people through interesting activities, I discover new places to party in my hometown etc ... When I look at it from an objective perspective, it's a time of growth and self-discovery ✨ I have even been grateful at times because if she didn't drift away, I would not have had this !! But sometimes, even if it's more rare than before, there are setbacks where I think of this friend and I remember how different things used to be and it stings (though less intensely). I wish things were more linear, but no. I am not completely sure, but it's normal for emotions to fluctuate, isn't it ? I just got back from a first date, and that helped me to clear my head : it's definitely not a good idea to talk to her about this ! Nothing good can come out of this, thank you for advice. Having said that, I don't understand the comments saying that I have an unhealthy (anxious) attachment to her ? I don't expect things to be like before, I know she's busy with her boyfriend. But like I said, it's gotten to the point where she barely makes any efforts and is just generally unthoughtful. For instance, I have my dissertation defense in June. My gut tells me that she will bail, probably because of money (it's 3 driving hours away). But it's more about priorities because she traveled a fair amount of time with him between February and March and I have been working on my thesis for almost a year. So there must be a world of difference between being constantly in contact with your friends (which I don't want) and the way she's treating me. Surely, that distance would temporarily hurt even the most securely-attached person, right ? Yes, I was away for 4 months straight last year, and for 6 months straight the year before. I actually had the chance to come back to my home town about once every 1-2 months during these months away. We saw each other one or two times when I came back. And the rest of the time, I was generally present. I had a look at our old texts before and they were much more frequent and above all, she seemed more caring I would say. When I talked to her about whatever issue I had, she would reply kindly. Now, it's more like "good luck with X" and then ... no reply for 6 weeks 😂 But at the time, she had no boyfriend (only a situation ship) and she had no friends in the city. The more I think about it the more I wonder if she didn't just behave that way because she was lonely ? I think I overstated the importance of her studies : she didn't study after her first exam session and actually had plenty of free time for a good chunk of her current semester. It's more about priorities, but either way, not my business. I actually have way less free time than her. I don't think she's an a-hole. I see, would you also advise that I stop contacting her ? (I usually text her once a month, twice sometimes). Thank you for this. For some reason, it feels liberating to read this. You're right, I won't talk to her about this at all. Thank you, I will promptly do this 🙂 She no longer reaches out because she has others things on her mind, but I can assure you that it has nothing to do with the frustration/anger, that I feel once a month at most. Like I said, I am generally not bothered by this, and I don't harass her with texts, not at all. But you are right in the sense that I have to let go and accept the new terms of our "friendship"

I don't resent her for this at all ! And apart from her boyfriend and his friends, she does not have friends in this city either. I never said nor implied that. When I knew she was lonely, I offered my help, it was an automatic behavior for me, so I just find it weird that she wouldn't reciprocate ? In her shoes, I know I would have been more thoughtful, boyfriend or not I know that as well. But to be fair, plenty of other women in a relationship nurture their friendships. I realized this when I met some groups of women hanging out together, on meet up, all coupled up. But at the end of the day, she's not giving me what I want. So I will continue to hang out with my new friends, but I really have that itch to tell her how I feel. I just don't really understand why she told me a few months earlier that she prioritized friendship. Like, how ?

Thank you for your reply. I am pretty sure in her case, she does not feel like she is ditching me or like our friendship is ending at all. I am perfectly sure that if she ever breaks up with her guy (I hope not), she'll come back as if nothing happened. But for me, friendship are based on mutual efforts and you can't just withdraw from one and come back as you please. Acquaintances or casual friends, maybe, but not close friends

But when you never checks on me, take weeks to reply to my texts, are way less thoughtful than usual ... I don't really know if I can still call you my friend ? The last time I saw her, I offered her a gift that I got her during a trip in march. I made her a particular cake, because I love to bake, and because she told me she would like to taste it. What I am trying to say is that I still make efforts for her, I behave just like before. She confided in me about a personal struggle. When I got home I sent her a message that I thought could be helpful. She replied 10 days later with a sentence "that's very reassuring, thanks for your kindness ❤️". If it was a year ago, she would have replied earlier and if not, she would have asked how I was doing, how work was going (especially as she knows I am working on my thesis) etc ... Just a general thoughtfulness, really. I agree that it's normal to have a shift in priorities ... but, that much ? I know plenty of people in a relationship who still make time for their friends. Having said that, I agree that she can manage her time as she pleases. I am just wondering if I should at least tell her how I feel, using this kind of tools : https://www.firstsession.com/resources/how-to-use-i-statements#:~:text=Using I statements can lead,actions%2C rather than blaming others.

But at the same time, resentment arises when I feel like some of my boundaries are crossed. My question is : would now be a good time to talk to her about how I have felt this year ? No accusations, just I statements. I feel like if I don't do this, my feelings will fester and ruin our friendship anyway. And if I do, there is a good chance that it will also damage the friendship, but at least, I would have been honest with her

For some context a year and a half ago, before she met her boyfriend we both agreed it would be nice to meet more people because we knew no one in the city. So I tried meetup sporadically back then, and I always invited her. She wasn't willing to try meetup or others apps of her own because of her anxiety, so I said "it's okay, you can join me and we'll make new friends". She is still in contact with one of the girls that she met through the app. Then, I had to move to another city and only came back in may 2023. I tried meetup again a few times, but both girls I clicked with had to relocate. She knew this. In the summer, she finds a boyfriend, gets 100% invested in her relationship, puts less efforts in our friendship and updates me about how she meets a ton of people through her boyfriend and I don't know if it ever crossed her mind that maybe, she could offer me to meet those people, just like I always included her in my plans. I never asked because I figured that if she wanted to, she would, and I didn't want her to feel pressured. I am not a mean nor angry person, but I am starting to feel resentful. I find that she has some nerve, to neglect this friendship for almost a year and then ask me to swoop in and meet the friends I made in the mean time, while never including me in her social life 🙄 But you are right, I will stop talking about the new people I am meeting and I will simply do this.

I have no intention to tell her this out of the blue. It's just that I feel like at some point, she'll ask me again if I can introduce her to my friends and I am not sure I can tell her "no" without any explanation. I feel like this would be too cold and I would miss a chance to share my feelings (if it's even a good idea to share them). Sorry that I hurt you, I really didn't mean to ! I have never said that to anyone's face, it would be really rude indeed. It's just that, where I live at least, there's this negative cliche of the "spinster". Even though I know this insult stems from misogyny, arbitrary and questionable norms, deep deep down, I have internalized that being single past a certain age, is bad. It takes time and efforts to completely get rid of this idea but I am working on it You are right to point this out. I guess at some point, when I see her again, the topic is going to came up ? I reach out for her out of respect for our friendship, I think. And also, her boyfriend does not look like a good person to me, from what she tells me (I can elaborate). So I feel like I have to look out for her, just in case. Also, I know she suffers from depression, that's why I am particularly understanding : in her case, juggling between her relationship, her studies, her family and friends must be hard ? Honestly, yes ! But that's another story. Thank you, I didn't think about this but yes, I will make this suggestion Yes, exactly, I realize that it's fluid 🙂 Thank you ❤️ The reason I mentioned my new friends in the first place, is that I wanted to share funny anecdotes that involved some of them. But I am not updating her every time I go out with them, in fact I never do that. Honestly, I don't know. She does not appreciate some of her boyfriend's friends, but if I recall correctly, she does get along with some of them.

I understand this better now, thank you 🙂 Through Meetup, I have met many single women in their 30s or 40s and it helped me realize that my fears were quite groundless : being single at any age is not a fatality. Some of these women were single by choice, others just happened to be single because their last relationship ended, which brings me to my next point : nothing in life is guaranteed, and you just have to make the most of what you have. (at least that's what I am getting out of it) I have chatted with most of them and they were lovely and had a great social life. It greatly reduced my anxiety because it gave me a sense of agency. Anyway, some of you here pointed out the fact that I was too needy and high maintenance with my close friend. I took that into consideration and I went out of my way to expand my social circle. You were right, it tackled my loneliness and I have met great people, doing hobbies that I enjoy. So far, so good 🙂 The situation with my friend has not improved at all lol. But it's okay, it barely hurts now because I have others things to do. It got to the point where I am really happy, going out 2 to 3 times a week with my new friends and I just feel less close to the former one : she takes weeks to reply to my texts, never checks on me, her texts are also very briefs. She does not have the time to hang out but when we do, she mentions going out with her boyfriend and partying with his friends several times a week. I see her reply to his texts immediately. So yeah, she puts way less effort in this friendship than before, but it's her prerogative and I respect that, she has every right not to prioritize me. Anyway, we saw each other last week (after almost 6 weeks) and what bugs me the most, is that she asked if she could come and meet my new friends because she wants to socialize as well. Meanwhile, I have not met her boyfriend nor his friends and she never invited me to their parties, even though she knew I knew no one in this city. I am delighted that I have finally found a group of people to have a good time with, I absolutely don't want to share this with her especially because I had to make these efforts after she downgraded our friendship. And now she wants to come and meet them like it's easy 🙄 I don't think she has ill intention, but personally, I feel used... I said I was going to think about it, but I am perfectly sure that I want to compartmentalize things. I intend to tell her that I felt quite lonely this past year and that I had to make a special effort to socialize, that I am happy that I finally found "my people" and that I want to keep it that way, just like she has "her people" (her boyfriend and his friends). At the same time, I am worried that this will cause a rift in our friendship 😕 And I wonder if my behavior is vindictive ? Thank you !!

Are you referring to the hypothetical crushes I could get in the future ? Or are you talking about the current guy ? Because like you said, it's probably not a good idea since he does not seem to have a strong moral compass. Thank you By "returning to the front lines", you mean that I should continue to put myself out there and to date, right ? Sorry, English is not my first language so I sometimes struggle to understand in a figurative sense 😅 Thank you, it really helps to gain perspective 🙂

Just a little update : After a short break from datings apps, I have decided to resume my activity and I should meet one or two dates this week 🙂 I am still going to meetup events and it brings me a lot of joy ! And I have made a conscious effort to avoid the unfaithful guy. As a result, I have not heard from him in 2 weeks. Despite this, I feel like my brain is "stuck" : I feel silly to admit this but a lot of my thoughts still revolve about him sometimes I even feel sad, frustrated and disappointed that he was not the person I wanted him to be. I remind myself about how happy and full of hope I was when I met him, how I wish things were different (I mean, I would have liked it if he was single, available and more trustworthy). Those thoughts are not too intrusive and I generally manage to reframe them and to get back to reality : I tell myself that it's still awesome that I got to meet someone that sparked my interest, that I am really grateful that I quickly found out how unreliable he was, and that I can be hopeful for the future. But still, it's annoying ! Is it normal to feel "stuck" like this ? I know he's not worth my time but I really wish my brain would catch up ... Can I do something to speed the process ? Thank you so much ! (In my defense, I don't feel this kind of attraction very often and I admit I got a bit carried away when I first saw him, so it makes sense that it takes me some time to get over this.) I should really learn to remain cold-headed if I ever feel a strong attraction to someone again 😅

Thank you so much ❤️ Don't worry, I tend to be really cautious when I go out but I appreciate your concern 🙂

I added on the text that I wasn't looking to date on meetup. I don't know if it's a good idea 😅

Thank you so much for your advice !!! You're right, I am actually not powerless, and even if I am at a particular moment, that does not mean that I can't change it. The event was great and I had very few opportunities to talk to the guy, so everything is fine in that regard. However, the host (who's friend with the unfaithful guy) walked me to my car and asked me on a date after the event. Unfortunately, I don't feel attracted to him. So I said that I wasn't looking to date at the moment, but that I would get back to him with an answer (I realize I should not have said the last part). When I got home, he sent me a sweet text in which he admitted he liked me and was hoping he didn't made me uncomfortable. I am going to say that while I appreciate him, I prefer group activities. I hope it won't come back to bite me later. I don't have the heart to tell him I don't feel attracted to him. But now I am thinking that maybe it's not a good reply, because he'll still think he has a chance and approach me on group events ? I am overthinking again 😕 What's funny is that after all these adventures, I might start to look for a new meet up group lol