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  1. Hi everyone, So I’m just looking for your thoughts on this as this situation has left me very confused and I want to know what I should expect and shouldn’t expect. Here’s the rundown: my best friends girlfriend works with this girl, El (for the sake of this post I’m referring to her as El just in case she’s for some reason on here). El just got out of a serious relationship of 3 years, and she broke up with her bf only 1 month ago. As you can tell, that’s not very long at all and this is important for what’s to come below. My friend and his gf told me I should message her because we would be great and she just got out of a relationship and it would be a perfect setup. I didn’t want to at first but eventually did. We hit it off instantly and began talking. This was roughly 3 weeks ago when I first messaged her, so almost instantly after her relationship ended (yikes?). We began talking through text/Snapchat and kept each other up all night almost every night just talking because we were getting along so well. When we first started talking, she told me she didn’t want a relationship because of how she just got out of one and needs time to herself. I said okay I get that, but if we took things super slowly and I gave you time would you like to keep talking? She said yes that’s fine, but reinsured me that she’s super unsure about anything new right now. We keep talking, I tried my best to not overstep and I eventually asked her if she wanted to go grab ice cream sometime. Just as friends. She said no because that felt like a date, and I thought that was weird in a sense but it’s okay. She told me the only way she would hangout is if we were with my friend, his girlfriend and her. So… that’s what we did! We were talking nonstop still getting along so well and she told me she really liked me and thought I was attractive and said that I would be good. We ended up hanging out as a group for 6 hours one night just casually, nothing romantic because I wanted to respect her wishes of her saying she didn’t want me to overstep and to take it slowly. That night went well I thought, my best friend and his girlfriend said they thought it went absolutely amazing and El said she had a great time getting to know me and loved it. I drive home that night and she messaged me saying how nice it was to meet me. The next day, she’s super quiet and not acting right. I thought that was super sus but didn’t mention anything. She wasn’t necessarily being short but I could tell something wasn’t right. The very next day I told myself not to message her and to wait for her to do it. So she did message me, and she told me she absolutely loves talking to me and thinks highly of me but after we hung out, she realized she’s not ready for a relationship and it was too much for her too quickly. She said she didn’t feel that “connection” in person like she thought she would and even mentioned our personalities differ. She said she really realized being there how not ready she is for a new relationship and it was overwhelming, despite hanging out together as casually as it can get. No affection or flirting or anything (which might be why there was no connection to be made 😉 ) I told her I completely respect her telling me this and that it was asking an awful lot for me to have her even try this out. I was upset but didn’t really show it with her other than asking if it was anything I did. I told my friend this and he was so shocked because it’s a complete 180 degree turnaround from how we were getting along over the last 2 weeks. My thoughts are that this is just a complete shell shock to her, going from the only boyfriend she’s ever had for 3 years (she’s 21) and trying to instantly get into something new. It was asking a lot of her and I understand that. My question to whoever reads this is: do I try talking to her still? Or just let her be and maybe after time passes she’ll come around? Or maybe she never will come around just because who knows where we’ll be months from now. She did like me and told me that, but this was just too much for her and it really did overwhelm her. We haven’t talked since she told me this. I’m going cold turkey hoping she might realize that “wow I really did like talking to him.. maybe I should keep trying” idk if that’s the right way to think, but it’s me clinging to hope because I loved talking to her too. This took me as a complete shock, going against what she said and my friends had said. Apparently she was raving about me and two days later she said no more.. what do I do? I’m so confused and really liked talking to this girl. edit: I also left it open and said if she had a change of heart to let me know. I know she doesn’t owe me anything at all, so this isn’t anything like that. Just very odd.
  2. It's my first time posting something like this but I feel like I need some advice. He and I just both got out of long term relationships recently and we met during a work event about 2 months ago. We hit it off right away and get along really well. We have a lot in common and are very compatible (both physically and emotionally) and we have both admitted that we like eachother. We text everyday and when we are together we always hold hands, kiss, etc and he always says how much he misses me. We have been on a few dates and he mentioned there's many places he wants to take me still - plus neither of us are seeing other people at the moment. He always gives me compliments and I've met his mom and some of his friends (he's not shy about holding my hand or cuddling around our mutual friends either). When I saw him two days ago he said he can't believe how lucky he is to have me and he can't believe he got me - but then he brought up that he's not ready for a relationship and that at some point this will have to end when we are both ready to start dating because he doesn't want to risk the friendship we have between us and our mutual friends. It's making me a bit confused because majority of his actions point towards him being interested in me but then he says this? I'm not sure what to think or if I'm wasting my time. Part of me thinks that he is not over his ex as she texts and calls him often (despite her being in a new relationship). He does tend to ignore her when she texts him and we are together, but I feel like maybe that's the reason? Any advice is appreciated!! I haven't been in a situation like this before so I'm not sure what to do.
  3. So I’m 30, my boyfriend is 35. We started dated in February last year, first guy I dated after having my son and the baby daddy leaving us. He loves my son so I’m very grateful for that! But I’m having some issues in the relationship and I’m not sure where else to turn… He will not have sex with me or even mess around… we dated until about June and all he had done was like feel me up under the clothes but there was nothing done besides that… I eventually asked him what was up cause he had said before when we started dating that he wanted to wait a little bit just so we could get to know each other more but it had been months, we knew each other… so his reason when I asked was that he still had feelings for his ex and he didn’t think it would be fair and we broke up. Fast forward a few months to December, we start seeing each other again cause he says he’s over her, things will be different now, etc. even got me a scratch off sex positions book and stuff for Valentine’s Day… well now April we still have not done anything sexual. I asked him about it a few weeks ago again and he said that he didn’t want things to be all about sex and wants to focus on the small things… he did start making out with me more and will randomly pinch my butt so I was thinking hey maybe he’s warming up. Last night we went to a comedy show and we had such a wonderful night and there was no mention of sex or anything but afterwards he sent me a text letting me know how much he loves me and WANTS to do stuff with me, he just wants to wait still…. And that really bummed me out and ruined the night a little bit for me honestly. I’m at my wits end… He’s such a good guy and he’s so nice to me and my son… I don’t know what to do. I have needs that are notttt being met.. satisfying myself isn’t enough.. we are also at the point where he wants me and my son to move in with him in a few months but I don’t want to if we haven’t had sex by then… what would you do in this situation?
  4. I'm a woman in my late 30's and my partner is a guy in his early 40's. I've been dating him for just over three months, but I also dated him briefly 20 years ago and then lost touch with him until last year. I've been in a few serious relationships before and been engaged. He has been in one serious relationship before for about 6 years and he was married to that woman. I actually know this woman, she's an acquaintance of mine that I got to know before I ran into my partner again after 20 years. His ex-wife has really bad mental health issues and in their marriage she didn't work, didn't take any care of their pets and didn't do much around the house. My partner did everything. My partner told me that although he hadn't been diagnosed, he suspects that he has high functioning autism. I have actually noticed this because he gets sensory overload, is a fussy eater, interrupts people. But overall he's a nice and kind person and even his ex-wife only had good things to say about him and highly recommended him to me lol My partner had been very sweet to me, giving massages, cooking for me, buying gifts I like, writing me poetry and songs, making origami for me, things like that. Our sexual chemistry is also incredible and this led to an unplanned pregnancy only 2.5 months into us dating each other. Right now I'm nearly 8 weeks pregnant. My partner was really happy and excited about the baby and definitely wanted to have it and be with me. We said to each other that we love each other. There is a huge problem however and that's that I feel really uncomfortable about his relationship with his mother. I think his relationship with his mother seems very co-dependent and inappropriate. His parents knocked off his grandmother's house and built two houses on the land. My partner had lived with housemates or his wife before, but thus time he moved into the house right next door to his parents to "help" them. This was just before we started dating. I straight away noticed that something was going on with his relationship with the mother. His father is from Asia but his Mum is Caucasian Westerner. The Dad has actually never been an issue, it's the Mum. Every time I was over at his house, his Mum kept coming over, usually unannounced and often not even knocking. She would just come in (the door was unlocked or she opened it with her keys). I also noticed that sometimes she came in the house while he wasn't even there. One time we went out and when we came back, we saw signs that she'd been there. She said she came in because "the dogs were barking", but she never told us about it. His Mum would also call on the phone and message often just to chat, or to ask my partner to go over to her place and help with random stuff. I want to point out that the things didn't seem urgent. One time my partner invited my friends and I over for dinner and his Mum knew we were over. She came over twice and the second time asked my partner to come over and help with something. My partner left us, his guests, for about ten minutes to go help his Mum. One time his Mum came over and rang the doorbell and we were in the middle of having sex! My partner didn't tell her it wasn't a good time but put his clothes on and opened the door to her. I have already spoken to my partner a couple of times about this and to please have boundaries with his Mum. He did speak to her and she stopped coming in as much, but she still kept doing it. I also noticed that she's messaging my partner a lot and informing her about everything he's doing, where he's going, etc. Also sometimes she buys him clothes. My partner asked me to move in with him and I felt I really needed to be honest and told him I felt about the Mum situation. My partner was visibly upset but he wasn't rude or anything like that at all. He said that living somewhere else could be an option but he didn't really seem to truly understanding how I feel. He said that in the Asian culture you have to take care of your parents when they're older. I know he grew up in Asia until his late teens. However as I said, his Mum is white Westerner. And the Asian father has not been any problem at all and never calls or comes over. My partner said he feels responsibility as the oldest child to help his parents, but he's not an only child. He's one of four siblings. I really want to make this work and especially for the baby, but I feel like there's nothing I can do? I feel like he's actually fine with this relationship he has with his mother and he's enabling it.
  5. So things took a weird turn, after acting cold/distant, my GF became, like before, sweet/romantic/sexual... Yesterday we kept texting from 11:00PM all the way to almost 3AM... She then started asking about my past relationships/ex-girlfriends... So I found it only natural and fair to ask about hers as well. Maybe that was a mistake. She then explained she previously talked to 3 other guys but those didn't work out. Aaaand... she casually namedropped some random guy... (Now I think I know who he is, we shared the same classroom in the 5th grade... ages ago now...) Her: "Hey do you know some <guy's name here>?" Me: "Ummm no..." Her: "There's a <guy's name> from your town who says he studied with you..." Me: "No, I don't think I remember him..." Me, starting to feel uneasy: "Well, I think you found your guy LOL..."(Referring to me...) Her: "Hmmm... Do you consider yourself an open-minded person?" Me, now feeling even more uncomfortable...: "Of course!" Her: "Going to bed babe, love you! 🙂 ". What happened here?
  6. Ok so let me start from the beginning. I hate online dating but decided to give it a shot and met this guy. We hit it off and went on multiple dates after and eventually became “official” We continued to go out on a few more dates and I eventually sent the weekend at his house. Everything seemed normal and he seemed really into me as I am him. During the weekend I was over there he would talk about next time we went to x city we could go to xyz place and do whatever. he had previously told me his job would pick up. He’s an engineer and is working on a solar panel project. Everything was good until a couple days after I left his place he only started texting around 1-2 times a day and showed little interest in going to do anything with me. Thought the whole thing he is telling me about everything that is having to be done at work and apologised once for not texting as much but it still feels weird. When he does text he’ll ask me questions about stuff that’s going on in my life or simply how my day was. i understand his job can get to be a lot but it was just such a sharp contrast from the way he was damn near begging to go out with me several times a week after he got off work and on the weekends. that contrast is why I need to know if I’m just in my head and overreacting or not
  7. I started dating a woman about 3 months ago. We're both in our 30's. It's been awhile since I've been in a relationship. I like her a lot but potentially there are red flags. She was with her last bf for 9 years. They broke up in Sept and she moved out in Nov. We first went out early December. I don't expect her to be over him completely but need to know that she is ready to move past it. When we initially started dating she was having her ex watch her kitten when going out with me. She stopped that anymore but were going on a trip. I think she will ask him again. She also wanted to borrow something from him for our trip but told her i would just buy one. A month ago she has old pictures of them sitting out. I ask if that was him and she says yes and that she is thinking of cutting out to keep the pictures. I also found out, not from her, that he is 20 years older than her. We're 2 years apart. I don't have any moral objection to it but it makes me question the dynamic of their relationship and how healthy it actually was. Most girls in their 20s are dating men in their mid 40s. I know she was with him for 9 years and he never asked her to marry him. I don't know if I'm walking into something that isn't going to work out and don't even know if it is something I can bring up to her. If anything I want to prop her up and not make her shell up.
  8. I'm 29F. My boyfriend and I have been together since the age of 21. We were both each other's firsts. For 6 years, we were good together. We never really talked about the future, marriage etc, just enjoyed our time together. After 6 years, we broke up because I didn't know if I was ready to get married. Also because I had no relationship experience and I felt like he wasn't emotionally expressive enough, and I need affection in ways that he couldn't provide (words of affirmation, cuddles, kisses etc). I should say that we were and still are best friends. He's a nice person, no matter what he's been my rock, he's basically been the one constant person in my life ever since we've met. Anyway, we broke up amicably due to these reasons. I started dating another guy for 5 months. This new guy was everything that I thought I needed, he was sensitive, expressed emotion, we had a lot of common interests etc. I fell hard, got attached and then he pulled away big time. We had an argument about this, and he broke up with me very callously saying he's still in love with his ex. I was heartbroken. I obviously went back to my previous bf (he hadn't dated anyone seriously in the time). I told him about everything and he was very understanding. I realized how I was just throwing away everything and how rare it is to be with someone who just loves you for who you are. I _know_ I love him, but I feel like we've become roommates/best friends instead of partners. The spark is gone, we don't have sex anymore. I still have feelings for that other guy who dumped me. I know for a fact that I would not want to reconcile with him, I feel like if time had progressed I would have done the same to him since I do love my boyfriend and I did miss him the time we were broken up, that it was just the honeymoon phase and we were not a good match anyway. My boyfriend is aware of my feelings and we both want it to work. I'm not sure what to do here. I don't want another relationship, I just want what my boyfriend and I used to have before we broke up. Breaking up was a mistake because now I have caught feelings for another person, but if we hadn't broken up I would not have realised what true love means. Relationships take work and I gave up on him. How do I get the feelings back? We are both trying to work on things we felt were lacking before. He's trying to be more vocal about emotions, more affectionate, and I'm trying not to take it so hard if he doesn't because everyone's love languages are different. I certainly cannot imagine life with anyone else, we make each other laugh everyday, have 2 cats together and it's everything a relationship should have - love, respect, etc. I don't want to have feelings for that other person who dumped me like that. I know it's because of "rejection", you want the things you can't have. If he were to come begging back I wouldn't even talk to him. Help me, please. I see my friends struggling through abusive relationships, and I can't believe I threw it all away.
  9. Hey, I was dating this guy in his late 30's for around 3 months, I am a really caring person and when we first started dating he didn't feel very well, had headaches, sinus pressure, fatigue, loss of balance/coordination, etc., but he still wanted to hang out with me despite his very busy schedule. His condition persisted and despite two rounds of antibiotics for what doctors thought was a bacterial sinus infection he never felt better, I'm a worrier, that's just what I do, I tend to smother people (like a mom) when they get sick - I didn't do that with him because I understand guys honestly like to be alone when they don't feel very good. Anyways he usually responds to my text everyday, except over this past weekend he didn't because he had to get a CT scan. I asked how his CT scan went on Monday where he sent me this semi-long text about the results (it's a serious cervical spinal condition that will require surgery), and how I deserve better and how he isn't in a position to date right now (b/c he's really strange about illnesses because of something that happened in the past) and that we can just be friends. He told me I also have things to figure out (which is true) and that it's just bad timing with everything we've got going on in our lives. I am an understanding person, so I said I'd be friends and to text if he needs anything. It just makes me a little sad though, I thought there was potential? Because the week before he told me how he was attracted to me, thought I was sweet and would hate to make me feel bad or used, this is just a total 360, but I know it's because of the condition he's in and how busy he works (15 hrs a day some days), I don't think he has the capacity. I still want to be around him... I can't shake the feeling he'll eventually maybe want to continue things again, it's just that the situation isn't good right now. What should I do? Or rather, what advice do you guys have on this? Stay and support him as a friend or slowly phase him out of my life and focus on myself? But also... I know I cannot wait around and find out. I really don't want to let him go but it's so hard, I want to be there and support him but if he ends up dating someone else I'll feel crushed. Any feedback is appreciated. (If you want to direct message me I can show you the text he sent me for more clarity) TLDR: Guy I'm seeing got diagnosed with a serious medical condition, told me he is no position to date even though things seemed to be going well. Says "we can be friends" but I don't know if there's anything that will happen in the future.
  10. So... Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half, we never really had major problems in our relationship. He's loving to me he respects me and shows me support when I need it. He treats me good and is loyal to me, but recently there has been this problem when I don't answer the phone, he gets mad. I'm in college so I have tons of homework, there are times where I'm taking care of business outside of school stuff like that. I love him dearly, but this irritates me so much when this happens. Recently I will be at home, I normally lay my phone down somewhere because I'm really not constantly on my phone all of the time. He would call me, and I would miss it, but I would call him right back after he's called me. He would answer but would be short tempered with me and have an attitude towards me. I normally tell him that I didn't mean to miss your call and he doesn't believe me as if I'm hiding something from him. My phone sometimes doesn't pick up the call when I answer it and he think I'm lying or making some type of excuse when I accidently miss the phone call. There has been a time where he would get really mad at me and would yell at me every time, I say that I didn't mean to miss it!! and when I get mad, he says I act stubborn and don't want to listen to anything he tells me. It turns into a major argument and that's what I try to avoid because I don't have the time to argue over something stupid, so I let it go, but then it's another time where I missed a call from him on accident, but I was on the phone with my mom, so I didn't really want to hang up on her and call her back, so I told him I would call him back and he's like "Don't worry about it" and I'm like why and he's like "Because you have other things to do then sit and talk to me apparently" I mean I was being nice about it and was going to call him back but he did not pick up the phone. At this point I was just getting a little irritated with the whole thing, but I did not say anything because all we do is argue about me not answering when he calls, and I say every time why, but he does not want to believe me it's always what he thinks I'm doing, (as if I'm talking to another guy assumptions). We would be texting after I missed a call, and he would take really long to text me, and I know it's because he gets mad at me for not picking up just from the recent situation that this has been happening, it's happened today as well. I just know that this gets really aggravating, and everything I say he does not want to believe but after a long talk we are good again, but it's every time I miss a call, he starts tripping and acts this way. Any advice on this???
  11. Hello! Here is my story: I had my first time with my boyfriend a long time ago, but it wasn't the way I wanted it to be. I felt pressured to do it because he wouldn't stop asking every night I stayed over or just other nights when we were texting he would bring it up and even if I explain to him he was still trying to convince me with his explanations. Sometimes he asked a few times a night and often he touched me down there and even if I removed his hand he would put it back there. I really wasn't ready for a step like that yet and as a girl I wanted it to be special and romantic if it happens. One night he asked again and I said yes because I thought that maybe I will never get ready if I wait and I just should do it. Plus the romantic things happen only in movies so I shouldn't expect something like that in real life and also I won't feel guilty for saying "no" every time and be scared that he will eventually leave. So it happened. It has been a lot of time since then and I had really burried these moments of our first time and the previous times I got touched but recently they are starting to resurface and I don't know why. I get that all that happened already happened and I can't change any of it, it's my own fault and I should move on but I seem to not be able to do it. I don't know if I'm disappointed that he never made sure I was sure because if he asked I was definitely going to say no. Or maybe that he never made sure I was feeling okey since I told him I was hurting a lot and him just saying it's normal. Even when we had a problem and I said that we should try another time my words were never heard and that hurts. And all the times I had to go through the touching when I just wanted to cuddle. Everytime I went over I felt like he was inviting me just for these things and not because of just spending some time with me. All that keeps me up some nights and I don't even have the desire to do anything intimate with him now. I don't want to talk to him about it because I have told him once some months ago that I wish he understood me when I told him I wasn't ready and he said sorry so I don't want to bring it up again. Since our first time our relationship became a lot stronger and even thought our sex life isn't that great he doesn't touch me if I say that I don't feel it right now and he even says he isn't inviting me over just because he expects us to do something but because he wants to spend time with me and that's why I'm so confused about my feelings right now. I just don't know what to do and I would appreciate any advice.
  12. Hi guys, so I am M(24) ex F(22) we were together for 18 months and lived together for around 1 year of that. She first broke up with me 2 and a half months ago but she immediately regretted that decision and we got back together 1 hour later. That lasted 2 weeks then she broke up with me again. After 2 days of begging I went No contact and have not reached out since. After the breakup, It took her only a week for her to go on holiday to a different country and move into her 'friends' place who she's know for 5 years and become a official relationship on facebook with this guy. So she's living her dream - living somewhere free, no job and this guy is spoiling her. This guy is not her usual type. Throughout the next month she has blocked and unblocked me a couple times, bearing in mind I have not even reached out in any way. So I find out they are now engaged! Exactly 2 months after our breakup. A day after her engagement announcement she unblocked me from Instagram! This is when I start to realize she is most likely a narc and started looking back on the red flags. I just want your opinions / thoughts. This is all very new and painful to me. Is she a Narc? How can you move on that quickly? Why unblock me to see? Will they ride off into the sunset? Thanks in advance.
  13. hey, I hope you’re all doing well because I’m clearly not. my boyfriend of 9 months just broke up with me last Sunday. he told me that he is not in a position where he would be able to split his focus between his career and relationships. we’re coming from an Asian family. most of Asians elders are very conservative. both of my ex’s parents have established a good career whilst my ex (a 23yo) male hasn’t found a permanent job yet. he told me that he was insecure of me and his friends and he felt bad for me because he’s been so busy lately, we argued a lot too these days and he told me that I deserve something better than what we had together. he told me he’s still in love with me but he didn’t want us to force our relationship. he once told me that he still wished that we would end up together again one day, somehow. is it bad that I’m still hoping for that? i told him I would wait for him but he told me not to. he wanted to put some distance because he couldn’t promise me anything at the moment. I don’t understand. why did he have to give up when I told him I was fine with everything? he said he loves me but why gave up?
  14. To cut a long story short I was in a serious relationship for 4 years - bought a house together and seriously talking marriage. He broke up with me citing incompatibility with what we want in life at the moment from understanding what he wants now this feels like a quarter life crisis where he's questioning himself and what he wants and making big life choices (selling our house, quitting his job, not wanting to commit to anyone and travelling for the foreseeable future). I now see he was right as I have a job and studying that I can't leave and at the moment I don't want a relationship, I want to work on myself and become the person that I want to be by pushing myself. Now he hasn't left for travelling yet so we are still tied by the house, and I've tried to set up boundaries to ensure that there's as little of this talk as possible as this is a sore spot for both of us. However, we still talk to each other at least once a week and im struggling because we still 'click' and can talk about nothing for hours. We always finish the conversation and i feel like there's so much more to say. I've asked him why he reaches out and he says its because he cares, i mean a lot to him, I'll always be close to his heart and that we are significant to each other. Now to me that sounds like someone with conflicting ties - one to freedom and adventure, and the other to love that they feel for someone. Thoughts? I've done a lot of introspection and know that where we were in a relationship last time was not at all what I wanted there was too much pressure on us and we're both in our 20s. I also know that I don't want a relationship either right now because I know I still love him and want to put myself first in my growth for now. I've asked him where he is at emotionally and he says he wants to focus on rebuilding our friendship and that he doesn't want any pressure for there to be anything romantic but that we have feelings for each other that are more than friends. My question is should I continue to keep in contact with him (he says he wants to talk on the phone once a week and text) because I'm really liking the person he's becoming and we both want and enjoy talking to each other? As a side note - We've agreed to keep checking where we both are and what we want emotionally in the future, so if we are misaligned we can pick up on it asap. Or should I cut all contact for the foreseeable for fear of being led on? Whilst cutting contact will hurt me and be very hard, I am scared that contact will keep us stuck in this position we've found ourselves in for good. And with his current life uncertainty there's no guarantee of anything in the future (but I guess that's life) - whether he'll come back it want a relationship in the future.
  15. Hello there, so I moved into a flatshare when I started uni 2 years ago (3 dudes). The first person I met (one of my neighbours) told me right away that he was an a-hole. Back then i wanted to make my own opinion on the matter and soon realised that he was right. Right when I moved in he tried to make moves on me, making me gifts, trying to be around me and getting me to spend time with him alone (to study for example, since we are in the same major, I ended up never studying with him bc i don't study with people in general). He was trying to get also physically closer to me etc. At the same time he would make subtle but insulting comments and try to make me doubt mysel for the way I did things, my habits and generally not respect boundaries. I eventually ended up developing feelings (I grew up in an unsafe environment and never really learned how to stick to my boundaries or see red flags). All of the sudden, one night, he invites a girl over who seems to be his girlfriend for quite a while already. And even so, he would show shame whenever she came over (he wouldn't be able to look at me for days in a row afterwards) but would try to keep the flirting with me when she wasn't there. I wasn't having it so i tried to put up boundaries he wouldn't ever respect so I realised i just can't and don't want to keep him around me anymore. I don't mind living under the same roof as i don't chat much with my other flatmates either. I tried to keep conversations short, i tried to be mean even kind of aggressive or to totally ignore him but he just won't stay away. He is always trying to be around where I am or to catch my attention. I also noticed that he seems to have this “weird" boundaries with his other female friends. For those asking, I know how to differenciate between friendship and flirting as I have other male friends. It's difficult for me to move anytime soon and I can't endure this anymore, I need some peace. I already blocked him (I know this looks weird as we live under the same room, but he wouldn't stop texting to ask for favors and such). I just feel like he doesn't get any social cues. I've already had a conversation with him telling him I don't want to chat with him anymore and want to be left alone. I ignore him as much as I can but he just won't stay away, finding a reason to be arount me when I cook, coming into the kitchen whenever I'm there and still trying to start conversations and to be physically close to me. Can you maybe give me some tipps as how to navigate this situation? Thanks!
  16. Hello! I'm new here and I made this account just for this! I want someone's insight on this situation I'm in right now if it isn't too much of a bother. 🙂 ⚠️Wall of text coming through ⚠️ Around the end of October, my LDR boyfriend told me that he might be busy during November since he got a job, his friends want to hangout and I know he'd be studying for his upcoming university entrance exams this December. He told me this means that he'd have less time for me and I said I understand that, but he should at least keep me updated if he's still doing well. Well, yeah, before November even came, he started talking to me less, way less than how we usually would talk. It was fine with me though, I figured it was nice that he still manages to respond despite his hectic schedule. The issue started when he'd stop responding altogether. I'd see him online and his Discord status would state that he's playing a game for hours. I thought that maybe he's just taking a break to shake away the stress for a bit and didn't want to socialize with anyone. He's an antisocial guy. I waited for days, still no response. I decided to ask him if he's doing alright and assured him that I am not pressuring him to respond if he's still busy and that he can respond whenever he can. Almost immediately, he responded and said he didn't respond to my message because he has nothing to say. We voice called. Throughout the duration of that voice call, he barely said anything. Sometimes no response at all as if he didn't hear me say a thing even if I were to ask him a question, but he'd randomly laugh and tell me he's laughing over a funny video. I decided to shift the topic to whatever it is he's watching, but he'd tell me it's nothing interesting and we should talk about something else, so I'd find a new topic to mention and again, little to no response. I thought it was nice that he's having fun though, I wasn't upset about it and still am not. What I am upset about is the weeks following this event. After that call, we had another one, but in this call, it was silent. I'd talk and he won't respond at all, not even laugh over a video, nothing. It felt like I was talking to a brick wall so I got upset and asked him if he can hear me, he said he wasn't saying anything because he has nothing to say. He did kind of make up for it by being sweet before the voice call ended, he said "I love you" then we both went to sleep. And that was the last he ever said that. After that last voice call, he almost never responds to my messages anymore. I also noticed that every time I'd go online, he goes offline. Thought it was a coincidence until it kept happening every time for almost a week (I still think might be a coincidence, but my gut says otherwise so I'm confused on what to believe). I confronted him about it, asked him if we're doing okay and if something is wrong between the two of us, he said everything is fine and I left it at that. And then for almost a week, he didn't respond to my messages at all or went online. I got really worried so I discreetly checked up on him by telling him about my day in hopes he'd tell me about his. He hates it when people show him they care, he's not used to it, so I thought that checking up on him discreetly would be the better option. He responded almost immediately and we had a short conversation. After that, he stopped responding again and I just decided to give him time, he did say that he'd be busy that month. We didn't talk for days until I striked up a conversation with him and we talked normally like how we used to before he got busy. We didn't talk for days again after that since he won't reply or go online, apparently he was asleep. I messaged him during out monthsary and he just replied to tell me he's going to sleep. I told him I feel like he's avoiding me and stated pretty much everything I'm saying in this forum right now. He told me that he's not avoiding me and that he's just busy and got nothing to say. I was also upset about him ignoring my monthsary message and about how he won't talk to me so I told him I'm sad about it, he kind of got irritated that I was keeping him up from sleeping when confronted about it, so I apologised since I figured he might be tired from a busy day. I tried to talk to him again during his birthday because I made a present for him and wanted to greet him, but he never responded. He never returns the I love you I tell him or the goodnight messages or the good morning messages anymore. He told me he wants me to tell him good morning after I wake up and goodnight before I sleep, so I stayed consistent even when he doesn't respond. I want to ask him if he's still happy being in a relationship with me, but I want to ask through a voice call at least so I kept asking him when he'd be free, his responses are very vague. Just a couple days ago, I saw him online and messaged him if we can talk since it's important. He said he's going to sleep and immediately went offline. I messaged him goodnight with an "I love you" to see if he'd return it. None, he went online and read my message, but then immediately went back off. I suppose that it wouldn't really be fruitful if I were to ask what I should do with out relationship. Whether I should break up with him or not. I just want someone else's insight regarding this pickle I am in, that's all. I suppose I want a different perspective regarding this, I could be wrong and he could really just be busy while I'm over here overthinking after all. Thank you for your time! 🙂 I unfortunately can't really give a tl;dr since I don't know I can possibly summarize this mess lol, sorry.
  17. Had been talking to a guy for a few months on Instagram and we slowly built up the courage to meet. He had messaged me first quite a few times before I had responded. I then realised it was a few months and I hadn't responded so I messaged him. We spoke for probably a whole month before the meeting. He has offered breakfast/study dates before too. We ended up going out for dinner. Had very good chats, seems like a really lovely guy and nothing sexual. The odd compliment, but in good taste. Some cute messages to each other, like him sending me photos of what he does for work and him telling me that he often thinks about me. He told me he was a bit nervous before picking me up. He picked me up from my house and before he got to mine, he texted me saying would I like him to meet my parents or just pick me up. He paid for dinner and it went really well in terms of chats, felt like a really caring and respectful guy, talked about family and all those nice things. One thing is that he takes great interest in my life and wants to make things easier for me (or so it feels at times), for example wanting to help me out with studying etc. He dropped me home and did not indicate anything about going back to his which was good. He asked if I would like to do this again and I said yes. When we got back to my house to drop me home, my mother was just coming home and he waited and said hello to her. He then said she was lovely. I could tell he wanted to kiss as he sort of just kept looking at me, I said something and then we kissed. He messaged me a few hours later thanking me, kept in on and off-contact for the week, he told me he was tired but good. He asked about my plans for the weekend and I did the same, he is very busy and works in the medical field. He hasn't mentioned anything about catching up again. He asked about a job interview over the weekend and I didn't respond till about 5 days later. In one of our messages, I sort of implied that I wasn’t sure when I would be seeing him next and he sent a sweet message saying he hopes to get to know me better and see where things go. That he was busy but should have more time once exams are finished and that he does want to see me again. I told him I supported him and that I don’t expect him to keep in contact. Then almost 4 days later, I sent a message saying that it appears this is all too difficult and that I’m sure he can find other willing participants but it’s not going to be me. Exam is in 2 weeks and I would have loved to have hung out with you after. I realise I have been hot and cold. In about 2 weeks I’ll have a lot more time but I’m going to ask you to wait” and then asked me if I want to study with him (this was September I believe) we wanted to study this weekend. I said after his exams is fine and he said that’s very gracious of me. I didn’t respond. I left it and gave him the space to Then about 2/3 weeks later; he asked how I am, I didn’t respond and he sent a follow up message. Anyway I don’t have much to complain about and things feel good but we’ve been extremely busy with exams and he told me he has to resit; he initiates a lot and has initiated predominately. He'll message, we'll talk for a bit and then maybe I won't respond if it doesn't require a response and then he'll send a follow up message asking about something. He asked about studying together and some other question. I responded saying after my exams which were end of last week. He didn’t respond till about 2 weeks later asking how my exam study was going. Unsure if he did this because I had done this to him when he had exams. We chatted about a week ago now about something, few laughs but nothing concrete. He hasn’t asked to see me since exams. Growing frustrated because yes I could ask him to catch up but I already indicated after my exams and they finished not this Friday but the Friday before. Find it strange too how he’ll leave the conversation for a week or so but if he messages me and I don’t respond, he would send another message. We laughed about something and that was last on the 10th, I was the last one to respond and haven’t heard anything since. Advice? Do I just give this guy up or? **TL;DR** concerned that I don’t want our momentum to be lost due to that we’ve both had stressful exams. I haven’t seen him since late August despite him offering to study with me a few times. He’s in the medical industry so obviously busy.
  18. Hey guys, thanks for checking out the post. So here's a rundown of the situation. I was at the strip club last week and was talking to a dancer there I've known for a couple of years. I've always kind of had a thing for her. Last time I was in ,she mentioned wanting to make some specific content (pegging)for her OnlyFans with a guy but was having trouble finding someone as the idea made most men uncomfortable. I immediately volunteered myself, we discussed the details and were both excited about it. She said she'd hit me up sometime about it so just waiting eagerly on that. I'd REALLY like to take this opportunity to woo her and maybe get the ball rolling on a relationship. Originally I mentioned something about cooking her a meal (I make a few dishes VERY well) before we shot the video and she loved the idea and I also have other little things in mind to make the evening more memorable and enjoyable. Honestly, ALL I want to do is to be with this person. Ever since we talked last week it's given me a renewed sense of motivation. After fiddling around with programming for a year, I'm taking a course to get a CPEP cert. and I've also been thinking about enrolling in classes to become an electrical engineer. I want to succeed for her. That being said, I think she's going through a rough time right now and I'd really like to go to the club in order to spend time with her and help her out with money. But at the same time I don't want to cement myself as "just a customer" and I it's really not prudent for me to spend money on her AND on getting my certifications and education. Hence long term vs short. I've spent almost all of my adult life hoping to find a relationship to make me happy. I don't view my opinions and identity as particularly important and would be happy to adapt to whatever my partner wanted me to be. For example, typically during elections I just vote for whoever I think the person I'm pining for at the time would want me to vote.
  19. I don't want to have kids. I've never been comfortable around children and I don't care to have the responsibility. But it's definitely hard to find a partner that doesn't want kids. If you don't want kids, has it been difficult for you finding someone who doesn't as well? And how has your life been without children? Do you feel it was the right decision?
  20. Me (f/25) & my partner (m/34)have been together 3 years, for those 3 years I've used the contraceptive implant, which I've also been on since 15 (started to ease heavy aunt flow), so 10 years now. Early on in our relationship, I told him exactly what I'm looking for & want, which is to eventually settle down and have children. He knew this, has always been aware & has said he wants the same, eventually. We said we'd see how things go between us and perhaps in 3 years (when implant runs out) we can see where we are & if we should start trying for a baby. All along since then, I've stated I respect his wishes he only wants to try when he's ready and we're ready. But I also asked him to respect my wishes in that when it does run out, I'd like to be off contraception & kinda return to normal/natural. Not to trap him or accidentally fall pregnant, because there are other forms of protection?... So now it's running out (next month) & we've been talking about it for a few months now. I've told him I don't want to be on anything anymore & my reasons why. When he brings it up, I stand by what I've said because I firmly believe my body, my choice. I get he is involved and should have a choice, which he does..in the form of protection, but won't wear one.. He makes the point we're not ready for a baby right now or soon and I totally agree and understand that. We've recently moved into separate places, I'm in a flat & he's sharing with a friend, we've signed 2 year leases. He still wants to be able to do fun things together without the commitment of a baby & so do I, I'm willing to wait & be careful but now he's saying we won't be able to get intimate because of the risk which sucks. Maybe selfishly I feel like if I was to fall pregnant, I know I'd be ok and be able to do it but I'm still happy to wait til we're ready just not on contraception?! AITA?
  21. Looking for advice but also needing to vent and let out some of the hurt. My bf and I are going on 3 years together, we're both 30. We haven't been truly intimate in almost a year. I'm open with him about how it hurts me and how I don't feel like he's still attracted to me even though he says he is. I try to initiate intimacy but it gets met with changing the subject, moving away from me, putting focus on something in the room like the TV or the dog, making jokes. I've lost track of how many times we've fought over it and I end up depressed, feeling worse while he makes empty promises that he'll make an effort to try more. But he never does. Then yesterday he told me he has a p**n addiction and he thinks it's easier to handle himself that way than to actually involve me in it. Ouch. I don't have an issue with him watching it, hell, I watch it, but my heart hurts that he would rather do that than to make an effort with me. And he didn't seem bothered to tell me. (I'd also like to point out that during past intimate moments I'm very involved so it's not like I'm asking for an arm or a leg). He tells me often that I'm his soul mate and he would do anything for me but this issue is still so prevalent and no action actually gets taken to work on it. It's like all the effort that gets put into avoiding it could be put into actually working on it...ugh. I hate to admit it but I consider cheating on him a lot, but I know that I just want the feeling of being wanted by someone and it wouldn't be anything of substance... but I really want that feeling again... Idk I feel like I'm losing it and wanting to throw in the towel. Intimacy isn't everything in a relationship and I understand that but it's one of the ways I enjoy connecting with my partner and I thought he did too and it wasn't an issue before. I know addiction isn't personal but I can't help but feel self conscious... is it my body? My hair? Do I smell bad? Is my conversation a turn off? Really does have me looking in the mirror different... thanks cardi. Any advice for this hurting person? Anyone been through something similar? 💔😔
  22. I will try to keep this as short as I can. My (ex)boyfriend broke up with me about four weeks ago after a six months relationship. The break up came out of a sudden and hit me hard. I have to mention: He suffers depression (but is in therapy and gets medical treatment and knows & accepts that he is not healthy mentally and wants to get better) and has a dismissive avoidant-attachment style. During the relationship I could really handle his disease and tried my best to be there for him and support him without smothering him and I told him that I am okay and that I love him and that I won't leave him because of this disease. I tried to give him the space he needs and as much space as I could offer. I knew how much he suffers, but it seemed like our relationship gave him much more than the disease demanded from him. That it was something really good for him. It was a beautiful relationship, it felt deep and I know that these feelings have been on both sides. The weeks before he broke up had been full of love and connection, he wanted to have me around, made plans, wanted me to meet his family, he was caring and loving. One week before he broke up he told me how much he loves me. We had a fight three days before the break up and after some days of silence ended our relationship. We do not have contact since then. We met each other at university when we started the same studies at the same time. Due to this we now share the same group of friends and fellow students and even have to work on the same projects together. As I said we do not speak to or text each other privately, but because of the group-project we work on together with two other fellow students/friends we have to maintain a certain kind of communication (via WhatsApp-/ Discord-groups and in online courses). During those courses and in online meetings with our group he even answers to me, speaks normally as if nothing happened and even laughs when I say something funny. Everything beside these situations is pure silence (except that he‘s still looking at my instagram stories, but well…). I am in a circle of being incredibly sad, missing him, feeling pure anger, wanting him back and at the same time working on myself and careing for my own needs – and enjoying it. I feel really good discovering a new me – or the me I really am and want to be. But still there is this me that does not want to give up on him and on us. I understand that he needs his space and I want to respect that – for him as well as for myself and my own healing and his healing. But I do believe that we could do better at a second turn. I reflected a lot, looked into myself and I know so much more now than months, even weeks ago and I really believe that it could be different. I am seeing a therapist myself now. I know now that while I tried to be there for him I forgot to be there for myself, too, and to work on my own issues. I know my boundaries now, what I want and need in a relationship and I am willing to find a way together to meet everyone‘s needs in the middle. I love him and feel deeply connected to him. I just want to talk to him to reconcile and get back together – or to get a final closure. But I also want to give him the space he needs. So far no contact worked well – he didn‘t contact me or anything, but I am working so much on myself and feel how I finally beginn to see my own value (don‘t get me wrong: This is an issue I am dealing with for a long long time now, nothing our relationship took from me). But now here‘s the problem: As I mentioned we share some same friends and projects. After four weeks of successful no contact our project group has decided to meet next week to discuss our project in person and have some drinks together. Well, I could just leave after we discussed the „professional“, project related part and skip the socializing, but I want to be honest: I am new in this city, I came here six months ago. I don‘t know many people and due to the lockdown meeting new peolpe or the few I met and got friends with wasn‘t really an option. My ex and his flatmate were like nearly the only people I saw during this time. I want to be around people, I want to meet my friends and get to know my fellow students. I want to have fun and I deserve to have fun and feel good. I do not see why I should be the one to step back now while my ex doesn‘t? Why should I always be the one to step back? Yes, I want to be with him, try again. (Or at least this one last conversation to get final closure). I want to keep no contact, I guess it is the best I can do now for me, him – and a maybe-second-try-relationship. But I want to enjoy life, too. I feel so good in my own self right now and I don‘t want to miss the joy life can have. So my question: Is it a bad idea to attend (small) social events (with mutual friends/fellow students) if I know my ex will be there, too, when I actually want to reconcile and get back together with him? Or at least get the chance of a last conversation (when he's ready) to get final closure?
  23. I have been living in a different country to my home country for the past 3 years with my boyfriend. Was only meant to be for short amount of time with his job, ended up going permanent and we stayed. I have always been homesick and wanted to move back and he doesn’t. We have a toddler and I am currently 6 months pregnant. Our relationship is not good, can’t agree on anything, he is not very supportive. I had postnatal depression with my first, and scared I will get it again with this baby. I want to move back and have baby in home country where I have more support as have none here, but he feels I am taking our kids away from him and making him miss out on the birth. I need some advice!
  24. I'm 34 (M) and she 27 (F). Thank you for taking the time to read this. I've found myself in this strange predicament. I met Alex (fake name) at work 2 years ago. Over time we developed a close friendship. My previous GF of 6 years had just dumped me, so I wasn't in a great state of mind. Early on, I had no intentions of anything more than friendship with Alex. We would go on daily walks during lunch time at work, and would occasionally hang out at a local bar after hours. A month or so into our friendship (late 2019) we decided to catch a movie then head to a bar afterwards. After a few drinks, we started making out. It got pretty hot and heavy, but didn't go past making out that night. Over the course of the next couple months, this happened a couple more times (never escalating beyond kissing), until one night when I mentioned that I think I'm interested in something more. She told me that she obviously liked me but feared a relationship with a co-worker could get complicated and she didn't want to go down that route. I respected it. A couple of weeks later, the pandemic happens and she leaves her apartment to quarantine with her parents (about 150mi away). We both lose our jobs because of the pandemic. We still kept in touch, texting nearly everyday. Fast forward to August 2020. She tells me she's coming back for a week to pack up her stuff and move out of her apartment. She is planning on returning early next year but since her lease was up, she felt it was wasteful keeping the apartment. Anyways, we plan on meeting up. Once she comes back, we hang out every night she is here. Nothing physical happens until night 3 when we finally slept together. I spent the next 2 nights there with her. It was enjoyable, and I felt we might be building something. She returns home to her parents place, and we continue to text daily. She invited me down to spend a week there at the end of September. It was a good time. We didn't sleep together as she was apprehensive about her parents being there. The relationship was still physical though, even if somewhat undefined. Months go by, still texting quite often. I spend the winter months in Florida, so we didn't see eachother again until 2 weeks ago when she returns. She invites me over once she moves back. I'm not sure what to expect since it had been 7 months since we'd seen eachother and we really didn't discuss what had happened the previous summer/fall. It wasn't quite taboo but it just wasn't something we talked about. Anyways, I visit her and we spend a fun night having drinks and catching up, but nothing physical happens. I got the sense there was still something there. Even tho there were no romantic moves made, there was still a lot of consensual touching, hand on the back, touching of the shoulders, going both ways. Also, before I visited she, somewhat strangely, asks me not to tell her mother I'd be visiting. Now I occasionally texted with her mother, and by occasionally, I mean once every few months. It's usually just a check-in to see how she's doing as she was quite nervous about Covid. I asked Alex why it was important that I not mention my visit to her mom (not that I had any intention of doing so). She responds by saying "I dunno, it's just something I don't want to have to talk to my mom about. It's not something you talk to your mother about." I took that to mean that something would happen that night. It didn't. After leaving I was upset with myself for not making a move. On to the inflection point. I visit her yesterday. We plan to spend the day together, explore her new neighborhood, get some dinner, etc. As the day progresses, nothing has happened. Towards the end of the night, she tells me she's getting quite tired and is ready to call it a night. It's at this point (perhaps buoyed by some liquid courage) that I decide to broach the elephant in the room. I use that precise language. I tell her that I wanted to address what had happened last summer, and wonder if that's something that was just a one off thing. She says back to me, with a frustrated tone, that it was and that she told me that (she didn't). Then she proceeds to insinuate that the only reason I wanted to hang out with her was to have sex. It definitely wasn't, and I tell her that it's because I genuinely like her. She gets more impatient and says "well, I don't like you." She then tells me to leave. I leave. I've texted her a couple times and called a couple times since. I told her, via text, that it wasn't my intention to make her uncomfortable in her own home. I just wanted to get it out there how I felt. I reiterated that I have actual feelings for and it wasn't just about sex for me. She has not reached out to me, and I'm not sure if she plans to. I'd really appreciate your feedback/advice. I'm just genuinely perplexed by the whole situation. She absolutely knew I had feelings for her. I never hid that from her and yet I was met with such a hostile reaction. I can handle rejection, but I don't think I've ever misread a situation to this extent. Or did I? Thanks
  25. Hey, ENA. Welcome to part one of the new PDN5 series called "shouting into the void about his past and present problems." For context, I am a 26-year-old man. Relationship Problems and Break-Up I broke up with a long-term girlfriend (23 F), call her R, almost three months ago. Things with R were not going well. Here is why. Problems. Views on Children. I was originally open to children when entering my relationship. R really wanted/wants biological children: that became apparent we got to know each other better, and especially in the last several months. (Of course, that's totally okay). I started going to therapy for our relationship problems last December. During the course of that therapy, my therapist and I realized that there was a complex moral issue that was causing me mental turmoil. I likely didn't want to accept it because I knew it probably would affect or end the relationship. Essentially, for moral reasons, I realized I should not have biological children. After I came to terms with this and told R, we stayed together for a while - maybe a month or two - but it affected us, and eventually, I knew that would likely remain an irreconcilable difference. COVID-19 Restrictions. R was very, very, very worried about the pandemic - at their core, the worries were for good reason, because some of her family were at greater risk of serious illness. I tried to work within her parameters, but they became unreasonable and began to affect our relationship. To illustrate how far it went, it became tough to see even my small immediate family because, if I did, I would not see my girlfriend for two weeks. That extended to responsible friends, even while outside, 1-1. While I've been a responsible citizen of the world during this pandemic, I am an independent guy who likes his freedom. Additionally, I haven't always gotten along with my immediate family so well. We are in a good place now, for the first time in my life. I really value them, so knowing there would be consequences put an unfair strain on seeing them. (I tried to be reasonable - "Hey, R, let's go and wear masks the whole time?"). Eventually, hope was on the horizon because the vaccines were coming out. But then - she was fearful of all of the vaccines, too. She believed without any scientific basis (she has a degree in a natural science, so this was surprising) that there was a substantial chance that the vaccines would cause fertility issues. So, not only were all of those limitations on my seeing others becoming unreasonable and difficult, but I also saw no end in sight to them. It became too much. Sex and Communication. Though I try to be a giving partner in this department, R eventually stopped giving earnest effort here. It felt like sex was for her benefit mostly. In many cases that is okay - I am a giving partner - but I don't like feeling neglected or not working together in this department. I communicated concerns to her, but doing so just seemed to make a difference once and then the habits would continue. Intuitively, I chalk it up to being interested in different things sexually - perhaps she obliged my interests for a while. No one's fault, just incompatible here. Misc. Communication was not easy. She would not let me support her as a partner, i.e., help her with tasks like resume/applying for jobs (I help a lot of my friends with resumes, usually with success) or driving (she was for most of our relationship without a driver license - in her early 20s. Early in our relationship, she hid this fact from me out of embarrassment, but when I wondered why she was always having me or her parents driving her around, she eventually told me. I only wanted to be a supportive partner and help - she should be able to drive to see me on occasion instead of parents dropping her off). For the second half of the relationship, I paid for everything: food, dates, gifts. I understand I had a job and she was not in a steady job, but once in a while doing something like picking up McDonald's for us would have been nice. She often acted spoiled or child-like: it at times felt like I had a daughter instead of a partner. Probably as a result, I often felt uncertain and anxious about the relationship. When I sit down to really think about it, there were so many problems. Due to past experiences where I left the relationship too early instead of fighting for it, I now believe in fighting for the relationship with best efforts... but perhaps I let the pendulum swing too far the other way this time. The Break-Up. There were many other problems (see misc.), but the first three above were the primary deal-breakers. The break-up was the most belligerent and perhaps infantile that I've ever had. When I sent the "we need to talk"-esque message, R refused to meet in-person (even with double-masks, six feet apart), and so I eventually had to do it over the phone (which felt awful - like I was back in high school). While on the phone, she immediately claimed I was heartless for breaking up with her days after a friend of her younger brother's had died. I did know that there had been a death - her younger brother's friend and classmate - but intuitively in my conversations with her I was not aware that this had hit close to the home for the entire family. I asked for details in days past, and R actively told me that she did not think it was appropriate to share details with me, so we did not talk about it further and I did not pry. I had not honestly gotten the impression that this was more than a person the family had known / the brother's friend and were vaguely sad about. During that accusation of being heartless, she described the gory details to me about this decedent 13-year-old's tragic suicide and how the family was going to essentially have a grieving session that night - and impliedly I was sending a broken-up daughter back to that family. That made me feel horrible. Obviously, if a family member had passed away, I would not have ended the relationship for some time out of respect/care for R. My therapist said describing the gory details of a child's suicide and blaming me for being heartless after her previously withholding that information was manipulative. Still, I profusely apologized and felt terrible. In hindsight, I wonder if it was an exaggeration, but either way I wish that would have gone down differently. As the phone conversation went on, R accused me of being unfaithful/cheating, which wasn't true. She said also that I always messaged other women when she was over, which was not true (that would be rude - I don't do that and I'm not sure where she got that). She criticized me for my choice of friends and therapist. She further claimed I had bad timing for breaking up around my birthday/holidays. Ok, that one was probably true, seeing as we broke up on April Fools' Day. (ok so she has a point there). Anyway. Eventually the long conversation was over. We returned items a few weeks later. It was cold, but perhaps to be expected. A few weeks afterward, without using my name, she called me a narcissist and awful boyfriend on Facebook. That really hurt. My whole extended family saw it. She did not respond to me confronting her about it - she probably has me set to “ignore” on everything. At least the family was good-natured about it. My grandpa, jokingly: "well, we know you are a narcissist, but why is she posting about it!!" Thanks, Grandpa, lol. It has now been almost three months since the break-up. Admittedly, though I miss her and the relationship sometimes (and, those experiences hold a place in my heart: we had history spanning over two years), I think all signs before the break-up and especially afterward point to that I made the right decision. Moving Forward – Dates & Misc. It has been approximately three months since the break-up. I do not feel like I am clinging onto my past relationship: I had tossed and turned for months prior to breaking up. I do not feel heartbroken: I feel like I made the right decision. However, there is now an empty void where love and the satisfaction of being a good, faithful partner used to be. Dates So Far. I have not yet found a partner, but I've so far gone on dates with two different people. An attractive acquaintance and I had been having more conversations. She eventually asked me to go running with her at a local trail while she biked alongside. It was fun - she was nice, but she mentioned that she wanted kids and I didn't feel a major spark or connection. So, the conversations have mostly fizzled out. Recently, out of the blue, a love interest, call her K, asked me out to brunch. It sounded like a date and I assumed she and her boyfriend had broken up (not listed on Facebook, etc.). We've seemingly almost always had mutual interest in one another but have been single at different times (and I know previously she mentioned she might want to adopt but not have kids - bingo). We also competed in ballroom dance together and we are quite good. I like her quite a lot. I was excited for the date. I arrived. Not to be rude, but while I do and always have found her very attractive, it looked like she didn't put in any effort to get ready, while I definitely had. Shortly after arriving, she mentioned that she is still dating her boyfriend. Oof. The resulting conversations were… superficial? We talked about ostensibly deep topics, but it still felt superficial - maybe on account of me feeling guarded that she was still dating someone. She mentioned that her boyfriend and her fight a lot, so while I was puzzled why she asked me to brunch, maybe it was (1) just a friendly meet-up, (2) an ego-boost because her relationship isn't going well, or (3) a low-interest or testing the waters meet-up. I sent a polite “thanks for brunch – it was nice seeing you :)” text shortly after getting back home. She was evasive/non-responsive. Who knows what that was about - kind of confusing. It makes me think maybe she thought the conversation was superficial or forced, too. Whatever it was, I know I should not pursue her, because she is in a relationship. Still, that was a major let-down. FWB. I am in a non-public FWB with someone. We see each other occasionally – maybe once every two weeks. She is also in professional school. She's a great person, but at the moment we both only want to be friends and occasionally hook up because our sexual interests coincide. I would rather be in a relationship with someone, so it's just a meantime thing. Limits to Meeting New People & Dating Apps. Last, I want to meet people, but (1) the hopefully subsiding pandemic still limits available social events (esp. at my University (law school): speaking candidly, Zoom does not bring out my good side. I do not think I will make a connection over Zoom), and (2) dating apps, including this time around, seemingly just do not work for me. Though I feel I am charming in person, I just don't have that ~~~~pizzazz~~~~ that the men who get matches seem to have. So, if I can't get matches, I do not get dates. If I do not get dates, I do not get to be charming in person. Then I do not make that possible connection. Worries. I am especially concerned given the fact that at this time, I do not want to have biological children. I am worried that that severely narrows my potential dating pool by a lot. I would need to date someone with whom not only do I feel a connection or spark, but also one who is (1) undecided/open to children or (2) also does not want children. ____ I am not sure what I am looking for by posting this. I am lonely and worried about the future. Perhaps, all these topics are in the back of my mind. Maybe just shouting at the void was good for me, or maybe someone might have an insight or some words of encouragement. Thanks for reading. 🙂
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