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  1. If you look through my activity history, you may find I've struggled with overattachment, low confidence/self worth and overall unhealthy relationship habits. Since then (four years ago) I have taken an interest in psychology and self improvement. I'm still young (24f), but through therapy and further education, I've come a long way. Now, for the content you came for: Four years ago, I met Brad (name changed for privacy). It was an instant connection. I was able to communicate with him effortlessly. He brought me peace, comfort and security when I was with him - not to mention the chemistry between us. The 11 year age gap scared him though. He was an up and coming business owner, afraid that our small town would paint the relationship in a bad light and affect his years of hard work. Although hurt, I respected his wishes, and did my best to move on. Since then, I have refused to enter a relationship with someone who didn't make me feel the way he did. (Spoiler alert: no one has.) So, over the last few years I've focused on myself and improving myself, both as an individual and as a mother. I feel very confident in who I am now, makes a world of a difference in choosing who is worth my time and who isn't. So, imagine my surprise when Brad messages me asking if we could meet and catch up, he wanted to apologize for how he handled things years ago and express how he's been kicking himself since. Being who I am, I was skeptical. Part of me wanted the opportunity to put an end to the fantasy of him I had built in my head years ago, and part of me knew that when I saw him I'd be in trouble. So, when we met, I stood my ground. Even though I was just as drawn to him in that moment as I was four years ago. He makes me feel... respected, heard, understood and desired. Over these past few years, I've come to realize how rare those feelings are. The connection we have feels powerful and unreasonable. Unbreakable, however naïve and ridiculous that sounds, even to me. But here's the kicker - he's in a relationship now, with two young children. It's been a month, I can't get him out of my head. And I know he struggles with the same. I respect his relationship, but my feelings seem to have a mind of their own. Essentially, I've come to be involved in an emotional affair, playing the role of the "mistress". We steal moments together, just to be near one another feels good. I don't morally feel good about it, I know his girlfriend is a good person who does NOT deserve to be cheated on. No one deserves that. He fears that if he leaves her, he'll lose time with his children. He loves them more than anything else, and I get that, of course. I'm not a monster, but I am in a conundrum. I suppose I don't necessarily need advice. I know what I SHOULD do. I know I should leave and make him figure it out himself, but that seems impossible now. Just wanted to get this mess off my chest. Thanks for listening.
  2. Hi, I have just been made aware of this situation and I really could do with some advice. I'm very heartbroken and do not know what to do. This account is a throwaway to protect my privacy. Before I tell you about timelines and our dynamic, I would like to give you some details about me and him and our relationship. About us: Me: I am a successful banker with a high income. I live by myself. I am very generous in relationships and giving, sometimes at my own expense. I am very conflict avoidant due to issues in childhood and very submissive in relationships in the traditional sense. I love sports and I am very physically fit, I wasn't that way when our relationship started though. Him: He went to university but has since been unable to hold down a job so is living on unemployment benefits. He lives in a different country with his family in the same house. He comes from a broken home. He's extremely intelligent and nuanced, which is why I was drawn to him. The timeline of our relationship: Me (28F) met my ex boyfriend (29M) 3 years ago on a gaming platform in March 2018. At the time he was dating someone and he expressed that there were things that were lacking in that relationship such as: she didn't express her feelings much, wanted an open relationship and had alcohol abuse problems. He then broke up with her and went on to pursue me telling me that they ended things amicably. At the time, I didn't think anything of it and I thought they stopped being in touch. This will be relevant later on. Regardless, we got along super well and connected. We met in person 3 months after. At the time i was overweight and a bit socially awkward. I felt for him instantly though, we slept together, spent a lot of time together over a few days and I really fell for him. I paid for everything every time he visited or I visited simply because I am very well off and I knew he needed his finances, so I never cared much. He broke up with me soon after, citing a lack of attraction as the cause. It made me super insecure about my appearance and saying it was due to the expectations he had. I was overweight, but I was a powerlifter at the time and I was still physically fit due to my passion for sports, just less feminine than I would have liked. I have to mention that throughout the duration of this relationship on and off I lost all the weight and I'm in the best shape of my life now, objectively thin and athletic. This is relevant because that one comment he made when he dumped me cemented an insecurity in me related to my appearance that I carried throughout the entire relationship. Will become relevant later. Anyway, 3 months later, in September 2018, he said he really felt my absence and he came back around. We were once again in a relationship together. I thought it was going really well. In December 2018, he got cold feet again and left. He then came back February 2019 saying he had missed me. I had a turn of unfortunate events, namely my grandmother died in March 2019, which devastated me because I was an orphan since I was 3, and my grandparents raised me. In July 2019, I broke my leg and had to have really intense surgery and I got dumped while in the hospital bed the day of my surgery. The whole summer I was a mess because I couldn't walk and I had no one to help me. Somehow I survived it by myself. While he was always supportive, whenever it got too much he would flee and say I put too much responsibility on him, which I understand as he really needed to sort his life out. It was still very painful to deal with. In December 2019, 5 months later, I missed him terribly so I reached out and pursued him to come back. He took some convincing but eventually decided he wanted to be with me. This meant we were back together and this time we did not break up again until January 2021 for four days, he had done it in a rush and we talked and agreed we would work on things, so we date again until Friday last week, when I got dumped. Before I tell you about how I found out about the affair, I think it's important to explain the dynamic of the relationship: - I really poured my all into this. We were looking at houses I intended to buy for us to live in. The plan was that he would move countries for me, find a job here, and we'd live together. I was going to help him find a job. I didn't care that I had to give a lot, was ready to do anything for him. I was truly selfless, loyal and loved him unconditionally. - He often told me he loved and cared for me up to the very end. He was my rock. - We talked every day about everything and anything, supporting each other, we were extremely affectionate with one another. He was my best friend. I really poured my heart out to him, showered him in love every day, gave him gifts, told him how much I appreciated him and how I wanted to spend my life with him. He reciprocated. - We saw each other in person a total of four times, and apart from the first time at the end, we had a great time every single time, we were both super loving and warm and affectionate. He had some issues with intimacy due to ED and CSA problems, but I was very understanding. The sex was okay, I was a little bit shy and not as enthusiastic but I loved him so much and I was quite inexperienced so I just let him do anything he liked if he wanted to. We went on little daytrips and restarants and nice places, we felt like home to each other. - When we were apart, he wanted us to do things on cam, and I was always quite insecure about my appearance because he's a lowkey guy and never showered me in compliments after the first time he dumped me for lack of attraction (before I really got in shape) so I couldn't let myself go and it was quite awkward when we did it because there was never foreplay and he would give me commands which I would freeze at performing. It was because I needed to feel pretty and wanted to open up, and I never really did. I still wanted to try for him though so I asked him often if he would do it with me and he'd just avoid it and say he had health issues which meant he couldn't perform. In person it was far less nervewrecking, but online I just froze up. I often tried to send him pictures or texts hinting at it, but he most often ignored them which made me even more insecure because he's not into pictures or texts, just video, which we didn't even do that often as he very rarely initiated it. - Because of the above, we argued as we would go through dry spells and I told him I wanted to be complimented more, and for us to do more together, and he'd agree but it wouldn't happen. So then, I would just get disappointed and pull away a bit, which he reacted badly to. He also never said he was attracted to me outwardly after the situation from the beginning which to me made it worse. Arguments started getting bad after December 2020 because I kept bringing up the lack of intimacy (last time we ever did anything was November 2020) and I just wanted him to make me feel wanted and to try with me. From November 2020 to last week (march 2021) when we broke up, there was no intimacy at all despite my attempts. And he kept making up excuses why he couldn't do it with me. Now comes the bad part: So we broke up Friday last week, right. I found out from him in the past few days that he had been cheating on me for months, maybe even a year with the person he dumped to be with me! The girl from 3 years ago. Both emotionally and sexually. So remember the dry spell I just told you about where he said he had health issues? He was doing stuff with her the entire time. He said "well our relationship was already bad so I don't need to justify it". But he had committed to working on things with me and he was loving every day and yes, we argued, but we also had good days. He could have just dumped me. Here's the worst part: Today, he told me in detail about how I was a dead fish in bed and he would go and fly over to *** this girl, record porn and put it online as per her consent. He also told me she was happily participating in sex with him and enthusiastic which according to him I hadn't been. That he wanted to exert dominance. He then said how they also had an emotional connection from years ago and that when he dumped her to be with me, she didn't like that decision and was sad about it. He regretted having been ***ty with her at the time. It shocked me, really wasn't expecting it. All I wanted was to build my life with this guy. I thought that was what we'd mutually agreed to work on until the very end, but he said in that same conversation he'd been checked out for months so didn't need to justify the cheating as he hedged his bets. What is worse, the girl he is going to *** thought we broke up in January and never got back together since. He never told her we got back together days later and just continued to do stuff with her online. Because I was so sad and felt so worthless, I tried to get him to come back telling him what I would do differently and he said he didn't trust me, because in the past I'd said I would stop being so insecure and creating these uncomfortable situations after years since he told me about the lack of attraction and that I would show him more enthusiasm but I never did so he didn't believe at all that I was capable of anything else. And he said he wasn't going to suggest an open relationship because he knew i'd find it insulting, but he told me he was going to *** this girl because it is what he wanted and I couldn't stop him from doing so. Since all this transpired, I feel like the most worthless person on earth and I am seriously considering ending my life and I am posting here in hopes of feeling a little less horrible about what just happened. I could really use your perspective here. Thank you so much. tl;dr: ex boyfriend cheated on me with his ex girlfriend for months and graphically described all the sexual things he was going to do with her and said I was a dead fish. Heartbroken. Please help.
  3. Y’all...I just really need to vent because I can’t even believe there are people out in the world who do this to other people. In early January, a guy messaged me on Facebook after I left a comment on his band’s Facebook page. We get to chatting and find out we have a lot in common. I’m recently divorced, but haven’t actively been dating. I figured if someone showed up in my life I would go with the flow. He lives 1000 miles away but is originally from where I live, and has plans to move back once he receives the COVID vaccination. He said he had only planned to stay out there for 6 months, but then the pandemic happened so it left him in a holding pattern. He tells me he moved out of the state after ending a 10 year relationship. So we had been communicating daily, and he came in pretty strong. Some of our conversations turned sexual. We shared photos and there was definitely a mutual attraction. He started future planning: told me how he wants to go camping with me, and have movie marathons, and that he can’t wait to meet me. He basically made it seem like we were each other’s soulmates. The whole time though, something just wasn’t sitting right with me. He wouldn’t talk on the phone, and would only communicate via Google hangouts (after we had moved the chats off Facebook messenger at his request). I kept thinking it was odd that he was waiting until he got vaccinated to move, seeing as plenty of people have moved during the pandemic. Due to my concerns and red flag alarms going off, I asked that we cease communication for the time being, but if he ended up visiting or moving back we could pick up from there. I told him I had been played in the past, so I was a bit on guard. He got really upset, told me I hurt him so bad and couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to remain in contact. He was offended that I thought he was a player. I told him I didn’t want to get attached only to be disappointed if it turned out he never moves back. After some serious begging on his part, I agreed to remain friendly with him, but asked that he cut back on writing to me so that I don’t get my hopes up. I still wasn’t feeling right about the whole thing, so last week I decided to search his name on Facebook. I ended up finding pictures that he was tagged in - but these pictures were not displayed on his profile. Come to find out, he’s been in a relationship with a girl for over a year, she’s tagged him in a bunch of kissy lovey dovey photos, and it also appears he moved out of state to live with this girl! Her profile picture is of the two of them - and was updated a few days before he connected with me on Facebook. I was beyond furious, but decided to wait until he messaged me to let him have it. First thing the next morning he messaged me and I responded that I knew he had a girlfriend and that it was a really crappy thing for him to string me along while semi-cheating on this poor girl. I was polite but firm, saying I hope he finds what he’s looking for and that he should work on finding happiness within his current relationship. I then blocked him. But seriously what the hell? I honestly think he moved out of state to mooch off his current girlfriend, realized it’s not working out, and is now trying to move back here by buttering me up so he has a place to live. I just honestly cannot believe a 40 year old man would pull this kind of crap! I’m not hurt or broken, I’m just dumbfounded!
  4. This is going to be a long post so thank you in advance for reading it. My wifes ex has always been somewhere in the shadows. They did talk, I was always afraid this would happen. I was looking at old photos to make look nice for valentine's day, i saw that around 6 years ago, she started liking her exs posts. At the time she told me the truth, she had seen him, she said she felt i was distant. I was not in my right mind as it happened while I was having a mental break down. I was hurt, i felt that at the moment i needed her the most, she went to him, but a year later she told me it was just a lie to hurt my feelings and i gladly embraced that than accepting the pain. But going through the old photos, it brought everything back, so rather than give her her valentines day card, I confronted her. At first it was denial and I don't remembers, but then it came out, one or twice perhaps 3 times, I'm not sure. I left and went for a walk, when i got back she asked if i wanted to talk in the car, she asked if i could ever forgive her, in tears, promised it would never happen again, that the last time she saw him it was to tell him it was over. I needed to talk more with her as we didn't have much time, and i was freaking out. So we dropped the kids off at grans, she didn't want to talk, just kept saying "i cant deal with this, just get a divorce, stay with your mom, ill end up in hospital" ect ect... But this is only half the story. I can't tell this story just one-sided or my wife will seem like the villain so you need to know all this below to understand. See ive had severe mental health issues my whole life, the first few years were hard, she had to cope with my mental health on a daily basis and sometimes it was too much, other times i went to my mother for comfort rather than her. People say i was the perfect father and most loving husband when we had our first child, mabey i was nice but far from perfect and it wasnt long before my mental health got in the way again. The affair happened during one very hard mental break down, and it was a huge emotional toll as i had to get put into a mental health facility. The affair happened just before it got so bad, she felt i didn't love her because i couldn't even touch her. But even after all of this, she came back with me. And as i said she told me. I went out with her for drinks, and then more and more, see turned out, i enjoyed the alcohol because it numbed the pain and my mental health was better. It got to the stage i was drunk every day and even in college, i got arrested several times and ended up homeless, when i got somewhere to live i just drank, i would busk for money for alcohol, I'd sell anything in my wife's house for the drink, i got drunk the day my second child was born, i was hanging around the wrong people, id left her all alone with two children so i could selfishly drink everything away. The drink almost took my life, I i put her through hell with my drunkenness, i was to stupid to see what i was throwing away, i regret every missed second. After stealing time and time again, coming to see her and hiding alcohol, or only playing with the kids a little then back to alcohol. I almost lost my ability to see my kids due to not being sober yet she defended me, and for years i drunk myself into oblivion. This entire time she could have left and went home, she could have met another man, but she didn't, she did talk with her ex about it, but only once. She basically had to raise the kids alone. Last year about a year from today i finally did it, i gave up the alcohol before it took everything from me. And she gave me a final chance, when everyone in my world had given up on me she gave me that last chance. This brings me to now. Yes I'm hurt she cheated, I'm hurt she spoke with him even briefly. But what breaks my heart more than anything ever could, is that i caused her so much pain, i abandoned her and my kids, i sometimes break down and cry when i think of all the pain i caused, and yet she never gave up hope id come back. See you needed to know all this because this can't be one-sided in the circumstances, and if any of you feel angry at the things i did reading this, just know i feel exactly the same. This is the conflict, she cheated once, went out with him a second time and spoke with him a third time. But she could have left me because of all i did, and yet she didn't, she was at her last straw, and I returned. At first i didn't want to deal with it, it was just "daddy's back woo he is sober" but I didn't want to think on the pain i caused them. I could only hold on so long so all of this came out in the open on valentine's day. Yes, its painful to think on her affair. But its painful to think i caused the person i loved so much, all this pain. I find it really hard to forgive myself as i should have been there, helping, taking her pain not causing it. And when the whole world turned its back on me, she was there, still waiting still loving. I really don't deserve her love, I didn't deserve her final chance, i despise my past actions, i cry when i think on the pain i caused her. Yet i was hurt by her affair, scared ill not be good enough and that it could happen again. This is why my grief is a double-sided sword. I grievee her affair, but i also grievee all the pain i caused and all the time i wasted when i should have been with my family. I'm one year sober, we want to renew our vows, get some counseling, not just for her actions but also and importantly for mine. She cried in the car, told me how much i had hurt her, and she was right. I did. So i come to all of you for advice. I don't want to cause my family any more pain, but i feel so selfish when my heart breaks due to the affair, especially after everything she has done and went through. Do you have any advice?
  5. During covid, my bf and I have drifted a bit. We don't see each other much since I don't want to get my family sick, he doesn't seem to understand that much and goes out like usual but with a mask and I'm worried this has played a part in us drifting. We've also been texting less, though I feel like it's a bit my fault since I've been busy with work and haven't texted him much either. We've been together since 2017. My bf has an extremely attractive female friend with big breasts who he's been close with since high school. I know I'm not ugly but I'm definitely not pretty compared to her and my breasts are much smaller. On Christmas, my bf came over to exchange gifts. He said he was going on vacation with the girl and another male friend in a week. I was a bit uncomfortable but tried to act ok about it. He promised to hangout when he got back but we never did and texted very little. This weekend, my bf is on vacation with her and her male roommate AGAIN. This time, he didn't say anything about the trip until he sent a Snapchat that he was driving to the location and I didn't know she would be there until today when he directly sent me photos and videos of the 3 of them on Snapchat. He hasn't texted me at all this week and I don't want to start anything. I don't really know what to do... Before covid, he'd sometimes visit her without telling me until after it happened but I never thought much of it. I first met her In 2019 when me, my bf, the girl and her male roommate went to Warped Tour together. Several times, I would get separated from them and they'd want to see another band so I let them go. She was nice at the time but she's one of those slty girls who's really a b-word. In the car, she talked about how the seatbelt was uncomfortable on her breasts and he made a casual comment about them. She also made a comment about how pretty girls (like her) can get away with being a b-word but if they're ugly, they have to be nice or there's nothing good about them. I felt like that was a jab toward me since I'm not as pretty as her and insinuating that that's the reason I'm nice. I've only met her once so I don't really know what her intentions with my bf are.
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