catfeeder

Cousin sounds like battery acid. The things this woman has said are a reflection on her, not you. People who are cruel to someone who has been kind to them have a problem. It doesn't need be about you personally, or anything you've said or done--it's their belief in a deficiency in themselves. The fact that cousin has concealed her behaviors from your family and others who know you both speaks of her shame for the behavior. She knows it's ugly, yet she'll go out of her way to be hurtful to you when nobody else can hear her. If you think about it, that's pretty sick. I agree with @boltnrun that cousin is jealous of something about you. She likely came home to find that you've grown beautiful or otherwise have traits or potential opportunities that she envies but believes are not present in herself. While that's disconcerting, it also can probably tap some compassion in you. Your plan for limited civility is a good one. One response you might keep in your pocket for when she shocks you with a rude comment is a blanket, "How kind of you to say such a thing." Head high.

Thank you, RR. @Loka56, hovering is a nervous habit that it's best to train yourself to drop. I've found that when someone close treats me as though they take me for granted, pulling back does us both a big favor. I invest my focus in my own interests, mental and physical health, and my own social life, where I dress up and spend my time with people who can use my attention and help. This creates enough of a gap for the other person to reflect. You may find that he grows more attentive once you've moved forward with your own life and you've stopped suffocating him by making him the center of your universe. You'll become more interesting, and he will value you more given that there is now some competition for your attention. Give this man the gift of missing you. You'll thank yourself regardless of whether he steps up, or not. If so, you'll enjoy the renewal of your mutual interest, and if not, you'll have already begun cultivating your world beyond him.

Probably best to ask the pot stirrer who has reported this to stop meddling and stop telling you stuff about her.

Okay, you're answering your own question about why she 'appears' to have moved forward quickly. It hasn't been quick for her. She's been languishing in this partnership for years while enabling you to get worse instead of better. You weren't even well enough to notice the point at which she actually checked out and started noticing other men to potentially date--it could have been years ago. It just took her this long to plan her exit and follow through with it. I once heard a psychologist say that the typical divorce process actually starts on a mental and emotional level about two years prior to one of the partners leaving. So from the outside looking in, friends and family might find it sudden, even while one or both partners have been mentally preparing themselves to get out for a very long time. Whenever it seems sudden to one of the partners, it's either because they haven't been paying attention to the deterioration of the relationship, OR, the exiting partner did a marvelous job of maintaining a reasonably happy face during their position on the homefront, even while they were miserable and planning to leave. My heart goes out to you, and please write more if it helps.

Nah, you replied honestly, and it doesn't really even matter. Nobody can say why she gave you her number in the first place, but to respond to a date invitation with a blanket "I'm working and very busy..." with no offer to reschedule for another time, that pretty much says that she's not interested in dating you. I'd stay civil whenever your paths cross, but I'd skip any further offers to her again. Head high, she's just not the right match for you.

Would you really enjoy a relationship with anyone who would be that superficial? The right girl for you will feel honored that you chose her.

Okay, so why not just walk away from him then? Breakups are not a democracy. You don't need to build a case, you don't need to negotiate, you don't require his approval. You can simply say that you're not feeling it anymore and wish him the best.

Oh, yes, go! You can befriend the guy and network with the team members, especially if there are similar projects in the pipeline where you might be working with that team again. Enjoy!

I'm so sorry, and my heart goes out to you. Three years is an awfully long engagement. How much of that time were you depressed and drinking?

Why are you surprised? It's kind of meaningless, because in 2 years it's never occurred to you that you were never going to meet the guy anyway. If this helps you to accept that, then good--accept that he's a waste of your time. This really only matters if you've sent him money or you've given him enough information to steal your identity and open accounts in your name. Have you?

I agree. They won't abuse you during tough times--or ever. For ANY reason.

It's natural to feel a bit hed-sped about what you will want or seek when you are ready. The good news is, all you really need to know right now is that you're not feeling ready. You don't need to try to figure out anything. When you allow yourself a mental vacation, the time and distance away from abstract concerns can lead you gently into a new perspective that you can't find right now, while you're too close to the subject. There really is no requirement that you must spin your mind until you land on a plan. There is no secret winning formula that applies to all people--or even the same person who is dealing with different circumstances. Nobody has a standard operating procedure that can combat vulnerability, especially given that our vulnerabilities are part of us, and they needn't be fought. But! You have a good head on your shoulders, and I think you can relax into trusting that feeling vulnerable doesn't automatically make you more likely to encounter a predator. You can trust your own judgment in general, and this means trusting that you will lead yourself to the right answers for you when you are ready to deal with them. And, you don't need to mind'splain yourself to any man right now. If you encounter someone interesting, all plans would go out the window, anyway, and you'll find yourself shooting from the hip to enjoy some fabulous improv in that moment. And it's perfectly fine to exchange a phone number without knowing what you'll do with it. And it's okay to not know what you're going to say today or 'someday'. Embrace mystery, and trust your Self. You've got this!

Ah, I understand. Yes, deliberatus interruptus is not to be tolerated. Back in the day (hee-hee!) we used to refer to such a guy as a 'dig me'.

Yep, alcohol abuse shows up differently in people depending on their weak spot. Some people tank in terms of the liver, or the stomach, or the heart, but the most noticeable impact on some people is the brain. My Dad drank every day, but I never saw him 'drunk' during all those years except for two specific occasions. At age 50 he still had the healthy liver of a teenager, and yet something alarming started happening. He'd tell you a joke--then a half hour later, he'd tell you the same joke. Thankfully, this healed when he went into rehab, but it's not always reversible. Add psychological problems to this, and a nasty drunk can even turn psychotic. So Z was hearing or seeing or smelling or imagining things that never happened. Given that she was already resentful of your comparative success, she started coming out sideways on you--over nothing. Essentially, she was abusive to you. As a go-to memory, the next time you might feel at all sentimental about her, remind yourself how you felt about her when she verbally attacked you and ended up down the embankment.

Sounds like someone who is more focused on his real life than cultivating a cyber presence. He may have enjoyed messaging for a while, but his real life has picked up, and he's no longer interested in messaging.

Frankly, I'd see no point in considering anything beyond this ^^^, and I'd have been out a long time ago. Verbal abuse and name calling isn't 'love,' and I'd love and respect myself enough to walk away from that. This would render whatever went on with his ex irrelevant, because it would render HIM history. Head high.

Oh, c'mOn! I love people who speak with their pets. Maybe a goldfish would weird me out...

Batya is better at this than me. I chickened out while still on the phone. I'd already agreed to meet him before he broke out into cray-cray, so I closed the convo as though everything was fine. Then I messaged him through the app. I didn't expect him to call me back! I froze, and I don't think I answered. I think he went off on my voicemail. I was pretty shook up and was glad that I never told him where I live.

Yep, at least it's how she is with people who are close to her. She might be kind to neighbors or in front of others, but her default demeanor, once she takes a person for granted, is mistreatment. I like to think of this as a 'Groucho Marx' problem, where "I wouldn't want to be part of any club that would have me." She thinks so little of herself that once you demonstrate that you think highly of her, she thinks you must be stupid because she's fooled you into liking her. From there, she believes she has license to walk all over you, AND, since you put up with it, you've confirmed that for her. It's a no-win, basically. THAT is the most important question to ask, and growing attached to her puppy is your excuse to sabotage your own exit. You're holding that up as your barrier to escape, but it's not a valid reason for putting up with an abusive person's mistreatment. Life is too short to tank your own happiness because you don't believe that you can find someone better. It's a vicious cycle--you allow someone to treat you like a worm, then you start feeling like a worm, so you believe that nobody else on the planet could possible love a worm. I hope you'll consider counseling to dig yourself out of that hole you keep drilling into by staying with this woman. She's horrible, and hopefully you can accept that you DO deserve better.

I've had instances where I could tell over the phone that I didn't want to meet the guy. One that stands out was when he was thrilled to pronounce that he couldn't wait to introduce me to his mother. He launched into all kinds of future talk about the foods we could eat and the trips we could all take together. I was too shocked to shut him down over the phone, but I messaged him afterward and said that I don't think we're a romantic match. He flipped. He called me right away and took a toddler temper tantrum complete with calling me names... So there's something to be said for at least a quick phone screening. You never know what kind of looney-tune might show up for coffee, and it's best to spare myself from such encounters.

Hmmm. This makes me curious. What kinds of questions would you feel more comfortable asking over the phone rather in person on a date? Oh, well, sure. Had she been a dame, she might have had a chance... 🙂

Yes, and a joint property buy is a huge leap into a pressure cooker. If you've spent 7 years living apart with no progression toward sharing any kind of living space together, why not try cohabitating in an apartment, or one of you buys their own property while the other rents from them? Sharing a mortgage without first having learned whether you are compatible while living together is a huge financial and emotional risk.

This ^^^ is the key question I'd ask of myself--not a bunch of strangers who cannot speak to your specific experience and goals. This is about YOUR life and the future you envision for yourself. I'd get clear about exactly what I want from a partner after nearly 7 years, and then speak with him to learn where he stands right NOW. If his immediate goals don't align with yours, decide whether you want to stay or go. If you choose to stay, then here you are. If you choose to go, then the next question becomes "When?"

No need to build a case to defend against your privacy being invaded when someone is pushing too hard. You can simply say "No, that doesn't work for me." If someone tries to work you past what makes you happy and comfortable, that should indicate to you that you're being manipulated--and what should that tell you?

Not very likely without treatment and the effort to work it. Depressed people are typically (and often admittedly) not relationship material. Your partner has not pursued diagnosis and treatment, and to be frank, you're seeking hope for a dice roll. Your partner would need to willingly act on his own behalf to pursue treatment and work it, and nobody here can predict whether he'll ever do that, or the outcome if he did. But his belief that this condition will lift once he receives the right income isn't realistic. He could have taken on a second job within this year if dollars were the real thing, but frankly, depressed people rarely have the energy to work beyond survival. So he's promising a fantasy, even while he's missing every appointment he's scheduled to seek help. Your key phrase above is "so long". People can experience a situational (or temporary) depression, such as grief over a death or a job or a pet--whatever the cause. That emotional grief can be severe and debilitating, and this can alter a person's brain and hormonal chemistry during this time. Some people seek treatment to rebalance their chemistry as they heal emotionally, some others are able to self-treat through exercise, diet, social support or other tools. Yet there are those who don't seek treatment, or who are chemically resistant to treatment, or who may have already had a predisposition to chronic depression that was not known prior to it being enlivened by a situation, or even by a spontaneous onset of depressive symptoms without a known cause. A real problem comes with the length of time one's chemistry is imbalanced. Chronic depression can be a condition that is genetic, but it can also come from a situational depression that does not lift and remains untreated. In other words, depression isn't all about emotions. Yes, emotions can impact depression or they can be caused by depression, but emotions are only one facet of a much larger dis-ease. My heart goes out to you.