today, my boyfriend found out that his ex-girlfriend sadly passed away some time ago. of course, i completely understand he will grieve and be upset, and i have been as supportive as i possibly can be as i can’t imagine the feelings & emotions he must be feeling right now. i didn’t get upset when he was talking about her, how awful he feels for leaving it on a bad note and wished it could of been different or the memories he had with her. i told him he could talk to me without fear of me getting upset because i completely understand this is hard for him, regardless of his relationship with me.
what did upset me though, and im really trying hard not to show that i am upset, is when he read out their messages from just after they broke up and just before he met me, so i met him quite soon after he broke up with her & we started a relationship quite quickly as well. he always told me that she was quite toxic/abusive and they didn’t have a good relationship, so ive always viewed their relationship as something he’s glad to moved on from and doesn’t have any feelings for her, at least that is what he led me to believe.
he would always talk about her when we got together, he would put a song on and say ‘she showed me this song’ and i remember thinking to myself ‘well thanks for ruining that song for me!’ lol, he would go on for hours sometimes talking about her (good and bad) and it got to a point it was happening so often we had to have a discussion about it and he stopped bringing her up so much.
a few years ago he was talking about proposing to me, and somehow managed to bring that conversation back to his ex girlfriend. i can’t remember exactly how the conversation went but i was really upset and told him so. i don’t know why anyone would think talking about their ex whilst talking to your current fiancé about getting engaged is a good idea?
anyway, i also found out earlier that he paid for and had sex with a sex worker within the first few months of us starting our relationship, which has greatly impacted the way i think he sees me. i don’t understand how you can cheat on someone you love? he never cheated on her, only me? i’ve also been suffering greatly with my mental health the past few years due to sexual abuse throughout my teens by a family member, and every time i have been in a crisis, he has greeted me with anger, hostility and verbal abuse or just straight up ignored me. i have been in A&E due to attempts and severely self harming and he has either been angry at me ‘because he cares’ and called me names, swore at me and told me ‘to stop playing stupid games’ when he found out i had overdosed and was in A&E. and yet, he’s always told me about how he looked after his ex girlfriend when she was sick in hospital with long term condition. how he took her son to school for her and how he stayed in hospital overnight with her. and yet, i have been greeted with hostility or completely ignored? i understand he isn’t a professional and cannot possibly know how to help me with my mental health issues but where was the comfort and support when i needed it too?
i feel absolutely awful for feeling this way. and i really don’t want him to know that i do as i understand he is grieving. but i can’t help it. i didn’t feel like this until he started reading those messages between them, where she told him she still loved him and he said he still loved her too and possibly they could be friends but they didn’t know if it would be too difficult for them. why did he lie to me about all of this? why did he tell me he never spoke to her again and that he doesn’t care for her anymore? am i wrong for feeling upset about this? it has just made me question everything.
after he read the messages out, my entire perspective of their relationship changed. i just don’t know what to make all of this. i went quiet after hearing the messages and told him i need to go sit down and be on my own for a bit if that was okay, and that i was sorry. i feel awful for feeling this way. this isn’t about me. i am trying so hard not to let how i feel show. he was supposed to leave tomorrow and stay at his house for a few nights but i think because of what’s happened he assumes that im going to let him stay at mine longer. but i really feel even more now that i need some space, would it be bad to ask for this due to how i am feeling or should i try to just be there for him? those were our original plans after all? for him to leave tomorrow to give me some space, before he found out the news about his ex girlfriend
as awful as it sounds, this whole thing has made me question whether i want to stay with him. i have constantly felt as though he still loved her whilst he was with me, due to how awfully he treats me, compared to how nicely he treated her and even the way he speaks in his messages to her and about her, the fact he constantly spoke about her during the first 3 years of our relationship. the only thing that kept these thoughts at bay was him reassuring me and telling me he hasn’t had feelings for her or spoken to her since the day they broke up, and the only reason i had to believe him has been shattered. was i a rebound? did he ever even love me? why did he lie about all of this to me?
i don’t know what to do or how to process how i feel. i don’t want to talk to him about all of this because he is grieving and i understand that. yet, i feel i am building up this resentment towards him because of how he’s treated me in the plast, how he has always treated me, and i don’t feel like i even want to be there to support him right now, especially when at times, i feel he hasn’t supported me when i really needed it but i feel i have to.
this all feels incredibly difficult right now im sorry if im a ***ty person for feeling this way. i wish i didnt. i just don’t know what to do. apologies for the long post
