my fiancés ex girlfriend passed away and i’m struggling to deal with how i feel

[helenwisex]

 

today, my boyfriend found out that his ex-girlfriend sadly passed away some time ago. of course, i completely understand he will grieve and be upset, and i have been as supportive as i possibly can be as i can’t imagine the feelings & emotions he must be feeling right now. i didn’t get upset when he was talking about her, how awful he feels for leaving it on a bad note and wished it could of been different or the memories he had with her. i told him he could talk to me without fear of me getting upset because i completely understand this is hard for him, regardless of his relationship with me. 

 

what did upset me though, and im really trying hard not to show that i am upset, is when he read out their messages from just after they broke up and just before he met me, so i met him quite soon after he broke up with her & we started a relationship quite quickly as well. he always told me that she was quite toxic/abusive and they didn’t have a good relationship, so ive always viewed their relationship as something he’s glad to  moved on from and doesn’t have any feelings for her, at least that is what he led me to believe. 

 

he would always talk about her when we got together, he would put a song on and say ‘she showed me this song’ and i remember thinking to myself ‘well thanks for ruining that song for me!’ lol, he would go on for hours sometimes talking about her (good and bad) and it got to a point it was happening so often we had to have a discussion about it and he stopped bringing her up so much. 

 

a few years ago he was talking about proposing to me, and somehow managed to bring that conversation back to his ex girlfriend. i can’t remember exactly how the conversation went but i was really upset and told him so. i don’t know why anyone would think talking about their ex whilst talking to your current fiancé about getting engaged is a good idea? 

 

anyway, i also found out earlier that he paid for and had sex with a sex worker within the first few months of us starting our relationship, which has greatly impacted the way i think he sees me. i don’t understand how you can cheat on someone you love? he never cheated on her, only me? i’ve also been suffering greatly with my mental health the past few years due to sexual abuse throughout my teens by a family member, and every time i have been in a crisis, he has greeted me with anger, hostility and verbal abuse or just straight up ignored me. i have been in A&E due to attempts and severely self harming and he has either been angry at me ‘because he cares’ and called me names, swore at me and told me ‘to stop playing stupid games’ when he found out i had overdosed and was in A&E. and yet, he’s always told me about how he looked after his ex girlfriend when she was sick in hospital with  long term condition. how he took her son to school for her and how he stayed in hospital overnight with her. and yet, i have been greeted with hostility or completely ignored? i understand he isn’t a professional and cannot possibly know how to help me with my mental health issues but where was the comfort and support when i needed it too? 

 

i feel absolutely awful for feeling this way. and i really don’t want him to know that i do as i understand he is grieving. but i can’t help it. i didn’t feel like this until he started reading those messages between them, where she told him she still loved him and he said he still loved her too and possibly they could be friends but they didn’t know if it would be too difficult for them. why did he lie to me about all of this? why did he tell me he never spoke to her again and that he doesn’t care for her anymore? am i wrong for feeling upset about this? it has just made me question everything. 

 

after he read the messages out, my entire perspective of their relationship changed. i just don’t know what to make all of this. i went quiet after hearing the messages and told him i need to go sit down and be on my own for a bit if that was okay, and that i was sorry. i feel awful for feeling this  way. this isn’t about me. i am trying so hard not to let how i feel show. he was supposed to leave tomorrow and stay at his house for a few nights but i think because of what’s happened he assumes that im going to let him stay at mine longer. but i really feel even more now that i need some space, would it be bad to ask for this due to how i am feeling or should i try to just be there for him? those were our original plans after all? for him to leave tomorrow to give me some space, before he found out the news about his ex girlfriend  

 

as awful as it sounds, this whole thing has made me question whether i want to stay with him. i have constantly felt as though he still loved her whilst he was with me, due to how awfully he treats me, compared to how nicely he treated her and even the way he speaks in his messages to her and about her, the fact he constantly spoke about her during the first 3 years of our relationship.  the only thing that kept these thoughts at bay was him reassuring me and telling me he hasn’t had feelings for her or spoken to her since the day they broke up, and the only reason i had to believe him has been shattered. was i a rebound? did he ever even love me? why did he lie about all of this to me? 

 

i don’t know what to do or how to process how i feel. i don’t want to talk to him about all of this because he is grieving and i understand that. yet, i feel i am building up this resentment towards him because of how he’s treated me in the plast, how he has always treated me, and i don’t feel like i even want to be there to support him right now, especially when at times, i feel he hasn’t supported me when i really needed it but i feel i have to. 

 

this all feels incredibly difficult right now  im sorry if im a ***ty person for feeling this way. i wish i didnt. i just don’t know what to do. apologies for the long post

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, helenwisex said:

 I met him quite soon after he broke up with her & we started a relationship quite quickly as well.  i also found out earlier that he paid for and had sex with a sex worker within the first few months of us starting our relationship, which has greatly impacted the way i think he sees me.  has greeted me with anger, hostility and verbal abuse or just straight up ignored me. i have been in A&E due to attempts and severely self harming and he has either been angry  I feel i am building up this resentment towards him because of how he’s treated me in the plast, and i don’t feel like i even want to be there to support him right now, 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? Do you live together? How old is he?  Unfortunately this has brought up a lot of pain for you because you're in abn abusive relationship.

Don't feel guilty. It's ok to take a break from being a shoulder to cry on.

Please take care of yourself and your physical and mental health first and foremost.  Please talk to trusted friends family and your therapist about what's going on as well as the abuse. 

[Batya33]

I would focus more on the fact that you are in an abusive situation not about his ex's passing. That is very very sad and tragic of course but don't let it distract you from what is going on and what you are tolerating in this relationship with him.  You are not the right person to be supportive of him right now because you have a lot of negative feelings about him that relate to her -it wasn't her fault at all -he made the choices to keep attached to her and to be abusive to you.  

[boltnrun]

Do you think it's your fault he treats you poorly?

[Kwothe28]

What a roller coaster. From just asking how to support boyfriend in his grievances to finding out he never got over her to him hiring a sex worker and cheating to even abusing you and you self- harming yourself.

Not only he has an influence to your mental health, he is also indirectly and directly harming your physical health. Ex girlfriend is completely irrelevant in whole this story. When there is a burning question of your own health if you stay in this relationship.

 

[Lambert]

Sounds like not the best relationship and you're misplacing your feelings as the reason you're upset.

Reading what you wrote, you have a lot to be upset about and should get out of this relationship and it's completely separate from the death of an ex. 

[smackie9]

When people are in a relationship, they can divert the reality of the sad situation they are in with their partner. I believe the reading of those letters, etc, has triggered all that you have been holding down/ignoring. Reality is setting in that he's not a good dude, and it all now frightens you what you got yourself into being with this person. I say don't look away....see it for all what it truly is....the truth. It's not going away, things will never get better nor will your blissful feelings from before will come back. Now that it's all come pouring out, you need to be more honest with your therapist and close family and friends. They know you best, so they will know how to guide you. 

[Coily]

I started reading this and was thinking, okay BF is having a rough patch due to death; some people process death very strangely. Then the needle scratch of how he seems to be towards you and your relationship.

From how I read this, you are a convenience to him; an emotional utility as it were. You make a suicide attempt, he makes it about him. He brings up his ex in conversations when he should have been getting to know you.

Don't get locking into a life time of this guy being... well a self centered twit. It really sounds like you never put all of these threads together until now, which a lot of people do. Now that you are seeing things how they are, not through rose colored glasses of "love" you have every right to ask, if you want to keep dating this guy.

I think, just form the outside, that you will let this resentment grow, or turn again to self harm to cope with him. Is this what you want?

[MissCanuck]

Girl,  get away from this man. 

Him having some trouble dealing with his ex's passing is not the main issue. His cheating and ongoing abuse are. 

This relationship should have ended ages ago. Let this be your moment of clarity so you can gather your strength to do it. 

[SooSad33]

17 hours ago, helenwisex said:

anyway, i also found out earlier that he paid for and had sex with a sex worker within the first few months of us starting our relationship, which has greatly impacted the way i think he sees me. i don’t understand how you can cheat on someone you love? he never cheated on her, only me? i’ve also been suffering greatly with my mental health the past few years due to sexual abuse throughout my teens by a family member, and every time i have been in a crisis, he has greeted me with anger, hostility and verbal abuse or just straight up ignored me. i have been in A&E due to attempts and severely self harming and he has either been angry at me ‘because he cares’ and called me names, swore at me and told me ‘to stop playing stupid games’ when he found out i had overdosed and was in A&E. and yet, he’s always told me about how he looked after his ex girlfriend when she was sick in hospital with  long term condition. how he took her son to school for her and how he stayed in hospital overnight with her. and yet, i have been greeted with hostility or completely ignored? i understand he isn’t a professional and cannot possibly know how to help me with my mental health issues but where was the comfort and support when i needed it too? 

Do NOT feel bad for second guessing this guys intentions/ behaviour. And whether you truly want to remain with him .

In the beginning of your 'relationship', it wasn't love.  Was more 'lust'.  So, at that time, no, he didn't have a care in the world about anyone but himself. 😕 

BUT, it seems he has continued! With his ignorance and I say this is a form of mental abuse 😞 .  He has been making YOU feel like crap - and sadly, you've allowed it. And even with your own ill mental health, accepting this behaviour.

You never explained how long you been together and engaged.  But I do suggest it is time for YOU to remove yourself from this relationship.  Why marry someone who makes you feel so bad? 

And is time to turn more focus on yourself for a good while.  Get yourself back to good and more stable than you are right now.  This is what you need! ❤️ .

 

 

[catfeeder]

19 hours ago, helenwisex said:

...he never cheated on her, only me? i’ve also been suffering greatly with my mental health the past few years due to sexual abuse throughout my teens by a family member, and every time i have been in a crisis, he has greeted me with anger, hostility and verbal abuse or just straight up ignored me. i have been in A&E due to attempts and severely self harming and he has either been angry at me ‘because he cares’ and called me names, swore at me and told me ‘to stop playing stupid games’ when he found out i had overdosed and was in A&E.

Frankly, I'd see no point in considering anything beyond this ^^^, and I'd have been out a long time ago. Verbal abuse and name calling isn't 'love,' and I'd love and respect myself enough to walk away from that. This would render whatever went on with his ex irrelevant, because it would render HIM history.

Head high.

[NighttimeNightmare]

Yikes. All I can say is don’t fall for the trap of believing he’s abusive because of his situation. 
 

abusers abuse, and use the situation as justification to strong arm their partner into forgiving them and sticking around 

people capable of caring for you and keeping you safe don’t abuse you during rough times.

[catfeeder]

13 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

...people capable of caring for you and keeping you safe don’t abuse you during rough times.

I agree. They won't abuse you during tough times--or ever.

For ANY reason.