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Batya33 last won the day on September 29

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  1. I lived at home till age 28. I was in college till age 22. Commuter college which my parents offered to pay for ($1,200 a year, got a full private scholarship for the last year but they wanted me to have the $ -I offered). I worked summers and during school breaks - one summer was a prestigious, low paying internship which set me up for success later on -again my parents saw this as an opportunity and $ was not the issue- they had very strong values in higher education. I studied very hard -college was my job, my parents were very supportive and proud of me. I believe I paid for entertainment related expenses. My room was a mess. I prepared almost all of my own food. But they wanted me to focus on studying, and I did. After college I worked full time for 3 years for very low salary. The salary was low mostly because it was not a private corporation - I was doing good and important work that did not command a high salary. I lived in a high rent district. I paid for all my own stuff but no I didn't pay for the groceries nor did they ask. Honestly, I really didn't eat much. Then I went to grad school. They offered to have me live at home and I paid 100% of the tuition through my savings and loans I took out. I worked summers and part time during part of the grad school. I studied all the time. Crazy amount. Again their values dictated how they viewed the financial aspects and maturity. They wanted to support me in accomplishing this higher degree and we knew I likely would triple my salary. I did. As soon as I graduated I moved out at age 28. Had I had to pay rent I would have had to pay back loans for many more years than I did. I bought them gifts and a vacation and offered $ and helped financially with other family members. I offered. They didn't want my money (but yes I gave to other family members over the years). They wanted me to achieve my dreams that had to do with grad school especially and they were so so proud of how hard I worked. Obviously I didn't get paid as a student but to me it was more than a full time job. So there are many ways to raise a child. Once I moved out I certainly felt the increased independence and maturity but I was able to live on my own in a lovely neighborhood and I worked around the clock at my career. Was I as self sufficient as far as living on my own at 28 as I should have been? Nope. Were my parents perfect? Nope. They did what they thought was best and the point is -they gave it thought, they had goals and I had goals. It wasn't some random decision. I think that's all you need to do - balance the pros and cons of forcing her to move out given that she is in school. I'm not judging -just saying that as a parent (I am one) if we put our heart and soul in and do what we think is right even if it's harder then we know we have done our best. So does our child know. Good luck.
  2. I agree with this and people are allowed to change their minds later in life -I've seen that in various circumstances involving accidental pregnancies, death of a parent, other life changing crises or I suppose just because -who I am to judge? Or he may want to be a sperm donor in the future for a family member etc. There are birth control options and many others- like dating a woman who doesn't want kids, dating without having intercourse which many people do and they are just as passionate and sexual (including so many who wait for marriage even if they've had sex in the past), or dating a woman who agrees to abort or put a baby up for adoption (if that fits the "don't want kids" thing) should there be an oops. I never had an oops. I did date someone once (for 5 months, we were sexually active for 3 months) who said if I got accidentally pregnant he'd want me to abort. I stupidly agreed. So yes it can happen that someone agrees and really isn't. I didn't get pregnant. I did use birth control. I regret agreeing. I lied to myself and realized I could not have aborted. But it's not a reason for a man who doesn't want kids to have a vasectomy at age 32 especially.
  3. Please stop beating yourself up and channel your energy into reevaluating what your worth is, what your values and standards are, what specific actions you will take to act true to those specific values and standards. What your boundaries are and how you will maintain them. Who cares what he gets, what he says he gets. Life isn't fair. He's not "getting" a reward - certain women will be attracted to him like you were. It's a waste of your stomach acid to do the pity party "it's not fair he gets rewarded" thing - give yourself 5 minutes a day for this kind of pity indulgence for the next couple of days while you get very honest and clear with yourself what you are looking for -specifically.
  4. I agree with Catfeeder - you're just a contractor. Bottom line -no matter how long you've worked with them or how well liked you are. And there's an upside to the sort of work you do because as you say you can't really get "better" at it or do it faster, etc and therefore get more leverage in how many hours/working conditions but also means less pressure on you in general. Now the "just a contractor" doesn't mean you're not just as good or better than full time employees but it does mean that you have less say in your working conditions (employees likely also can't complain about their feelings being hurt/being offended but at least then there's HR to report to, etc). I'm sorry the situation is not the best right now!
  5. Yes - this is exactly what I was going to suggest - worrying about whether she "fades" from your thoughts -all abstract because you've never gotten to know her. Get to know her.
  6. That's describing the benefits of having a pet, not a girlfriend. Yes I would end things.
  7. Total deal breaker. I was 100% sure I wanted to be a mother by at least age 18 if not sooner. Never wavered. One of my friend's daughters just had her third child at age 25 -her first at 19 -always knew too. I think very young teenagers can know especially if they have experience caring for babies and children as I did. Please don't waste her time. You are entirely entitled not to want a child and I'm glad you were honest. Please find someone else who also doesn't want to be a parent. Typically on the kids issue it's not true at all that "anything can happen" unless you mean an accidental pregnancy where she most likely would not want to abort.
  8. I don't think he thinks you are shallow -I think his definition of "open" is he wants you to confess dark secrets from your past and share concerns about your feelings for him and about the relationship. That's a really narrow definition of "open" - people who are getting to know each other typically become more open over time -depends on the individual personality. Tell him that if you ever have an issue you will be open about it rather than building up resentment and that is how you plan to be more open about the relationship. Do you have in depth conversations in general? Do you show openness through your actions -are you approachable and is your body language approachable/open?
  9. It sounds like she doesn't believe in social drinking -meaning a drink where there is no drunk/buzzed consequence. I think you tell her that your drinking problem is in the past, that you are able to have a drink that doesn't get you drunk because you enjoy it occasionally and if you have a disagreement it's not a consequence of your reaction to the alcohol you consumed. Just like if my husband told me not to drink my morning coffee because in his perception it made me "irritable" (no, it doesn't) I'd tell him -my body, my choice, this is what I enjoy. Does she think you were an alcoholic who should never drink again? Does she still get drunk or was this in the past? Also what are the arguments about?
  10. You cannot make it work in any real way with your passive mindset. I really don't want to be involved in a discussion where your motivation was to cause pain. To me that has nothing to do with wanting to give to your partner or make your partner happy. Take responsibility for all of your choices -nothing like this "just happens". How in the world you make this work is you choose to avoid interacting in any close, intimate way until you get the professional help you need so that you're not motivated to interact by a desire to cause someone else pain. You describe that in the past tense but right now your interaction is based on what you label BDSM and it is your choice to be and stay involved.
  11. So if you're not able to perceive such things I'm surprised you would choose an unusual interaction like BDSM. Typical romantic relationships are difficult enough even with typical social/emotional skills but choosing this sort of way to interact injects even more complication into the relationship.
  12. You've chosen to be in a BDSM relationship so if you are the mommy then it's natural he wants this sort of affection. To fulfil his needs play the assigned role in your chosen BDSM interaction. It's not slightly unrelated it's completely related and explains why he interacts with you in the manner he does.
  13. I think you’re overthinking. It’s common sense. How can someone be a good match for you if you have to sacrifice your self worth? Don’t sweep oddities under the rug at any age. And don’t decline to get to know someone because they’re not arm candy or they don’t have precisely all of your preferences. Common sense. Nothing to do with age. Yes age matters. A man who wants biological kids is unlikely to choose you. A man who wants someone who has been married or in a like married relationship before age 49 is not going to choose you. But no you don’t settle because of your age.
  14. Basically say nothing unless it has to do with improving productivity - not about how you feel demoralised. I do like the suggestion of asking for more hours and if it's possible explain how you can contribute (not really as a comparison to the newbies but ok if it is implied).
  15. When I dated I took the initiative all the time. I let the men who wanted to date me ask me out on dates. I did ask for first meets through online sites for the practical reasons that it wasn't a date and I had no time for chat buddies so I suggested meeting after the first phone call if he did not. Back when I dated men who were into traditional dating -which was most of dating - might be flattered by being asked out on a date and they typically did not choose the woman who did so for a serious relationship. I did ask men out. It was no big deal because I took initiative in other ways - rejection wasn't fun of course but no biggie overall. For 99% of the 24 years I dated I was looking for a serious relationship. Asking men out did work well for a casual date or a fling. Maybe things have changed but anecdotally I'm not so sure (I stopped dating in 2005). I do know of some women who prefer to be in a relationship where they have more control over the asking out, the progression to marriage etc. More power to them! I wasn't like that - I liked taking initiative and showing interest and found it worked better for the sort of men I was most attracted to to let them do the asking out especially in the beginning.
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