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Everything posted by Batya33

  1. So again this might be a clue. It sounds like you weren't over the moon excited to be his girlfriend and when he mentioned this and saw your reaction it was lukewarm. That didn't give him the impression that you were all in. Also it sounds like maybe he wanted sexual monogamy instead of being in an exclusively committed relationship? I mean there's a difference between telling someone you want exclusivity "to feel comfortable" vs. wanting the person to be in a committed, potentially serious relationship because you see potential and are really into that person and don't desire to be with anyone else. Maybe both of you were a bit lukewarm?
  2. This doesn't make any sense. Typically it is the man who asks the woman to be exclusive. You didn't have to stop seeing anyone else -unless you wanted to. No one forced you. It sounds like you decided to be exclusive with him because you were attracted to him - but did you feel like you were still interested in seeing other men but sacrificed for him? That doesn't sound like a healthy decision -maybe he sensed that you weren't all in.
  3. I'm sorry you had such a stressful week and had this happen again!
  4. I think ignoring you is rude. I think the age gap is a clue - I agree he probably didn’t take you too seriously or see you as a potentially serious partner. Are you sure he’s feeling ok - despite posting on social media. Also after all this time do you initiate dates and offer to pay?
  5. No studies but my dear friend and her male partner (not married but domestic partners for insurance purposes since he can’t get from his job) are both highly educated - grad degrees - the first pregnancy was accidental and she miscarried. The second one was planned. Their son is now a teenager. Together 16 years. My husband and I never lived together prior to marriage but I was very pregnant at the wedding. Planned as we wanted to start trying before the wedding as I was 40. Together over 15 years. Married a dozen. But I guess we’d fall into some unmarried category for part of that time especially given that I was knocked up. We’re both highly educated too.
  6. So, yes, but I think in her case we were going to chat in general too but yes I get it.
  7. What does the fear of being alone have to do with your sexual orientation?
  8. Condoms alone especially without spermicide are not very effective against pregnancy. Especially if you’re not accustomed to putting them on properly or removing them properly. She would also need a form of birth control as a back up. Consider again how you would deal with a pregnancy.
  9. So a number of times I remain surprised when a seemingly well intentioned, smart, thoughtful person flakes. Here is a prime example - someone on one of my facebook groups needed help with a challenging situation with her young son. We had interacted before and private messaged before. We did so on this situation and discovered we have a lot in common. She said she'd love to speak by phone and I agreed. She wrote to me that we should actually schedule a time to talk given our teleworking/childcare. We did. She wrote "I will text you on Thursday afternoon before I call". It was Sunday. She never did -this was weeks ago. I actually made sure that she put the ball in her court. No, I refuse to follow up or text her, etc - why? Because she is the one who really needs the help and because this has now happened to me multiple times with the person who actually sets up an appointment to talk (or, pre-covid, to meet) - and flakes. If she messages me again I won't hold it against her at all especially if she acknowledges but no I'm not chasing or putting more effort into it.
  10. I didn't. Did you read what I wrote? What I am saying is that if you're going to have intercourse with someone you don't know in a place where alcohol is served you won't know if she is buzzed/able to consent unless you know she is not drinking at all for a dietary or religious reason (even if she tells you you can't be sure, also people drink alcohol or drugged drinks without being aware). Consider before you do this: how are you going to protect yourself against STDs? What is your plan if the woman gets pregnant or claims you are the father? Are you ready financially and emotionally to father a child at this point?
  11. Yes- I had thought of this more like food as medicine (but maybe as you suggested using something other than "medicine" in this context). She might click with that (her mom who lives with them was a health care provider -a nurse I think -and she is a therapist so this might resonate. Thank you!!
  12. No not at all -two consenting single adults (drunk or buzzed people cannot consent especially if you don't know each other well -more risky to judge "buzzed" vs. drunk) - can choose to have sexual intercourse just casually/randomly and be perfectly moral people who find casual sex pleasurable and fun or just feel like doing it. It's the way you're going about it that casts doubt that you have any focus on behaving like a thoughtful, ethical, caring human being whether towards a stranger or a friend.
  13. What -that a person was sexually attracted to you? What does that boost? Why do you need people who are drunk to act is if they are sexually attracted to you? Or anyone else? Many people are attracted to many other people sexually or they find them adorable etc but I don't see that as a healthy focus for the person being admired. In fact I do my utmost if I am complimenting a young child to compliment on personality /sparkle/sense of humor/thoughtfulness not looks. Once in awhile it's about the clothing if she or he is obviously proud of what she is wearing (or on Halloween!) but I can't stand the focus on physical features in general.
  14. Wrong? Even a professional won't tell you it's "wrong". I would never ever do so but that's because of my individual personality, financial planning preferences and personal risk assessment. Yes I guess in divorces with kids maybe both parents still own the family home (honestly I really don't know -I've heard anecdotally either it's sold or one buys out the other which is what my friend did in a divorce -the latter). For the best interests of children so they can stay in the home and the delay is because of market factors - sure - but as an investment property? Nope - wouldn't be for me. Doesn't make it right or wrong. I think this is you distracting yourself from separating from your partner and making excuses/rationalizing/wanting to be right. If my partner did this it would depend on many factors -the financial benefits vs. the risks, the contact with the ex, and yes if the ex had any kind of criminal record or was mentally unstable I personally would not want my partner to have these sorts of ties with an ex. I'm sorry you're struggling.
  15. So I think "too nice" - i.e. doormat/passive -is often mistaken for stellar character as opposed to insecure people pleaser. People who act like doormats can come across as boring. But it doesn't mean the opposite extreme - arrogance (often mistaken for character-driven "confidence") is the answer. It's the person who is reasonably secure and confident, comfortable in his own skin, and who chooses to act with character and integrity that is the real gem. Now that person might not be flashy or extroverted (maybe but not necessarily) -so the quiet/reserved/quietly confident person of good character can be overlooked when a woman (especially) is looking for larger than life/swept off your feet. I think the women who search for bad boy excitement then feel like they won the person over and likely are more interested in showing off their arm candy/trophy at a large party celebrating the wedding. The big wedding receptions of course get lots more attention and this becomes a stereotype of what "girls" want in a mate.
  16. I don’t think he should marry anyone who is marrying only or mainly for the symbolism. Or mainly for a special party. Or because they “need” marriage as opposed to wanting it for the right reasons. Unless that’s also his motivation. I know of several people who planned more for the reception than the marriage. It’s sad.
  17. But you won’t know and she can then tell others she did not consent - which likely would be accurate or at least accurate in her mind. Also you risk her boyfriend retaliating even if she says she is single. People who are drunk or buzzed can forget basic stuff easily
  18. So I never felt "alone" because of a breakup of a romantic relationship (because I wasn't) but I also never tried to "embrace" being single (or unmarried - to me I was always single until engaged but of course if I was in an exclusive relationship I didn't date/try to date others). That would have been a lie. I wanted to be married and have the chance to try for a biological child if possible. I had a fun, fulfilling active life - friends/family/work/volunteer work/social activities but I never saw the need to pressure myself to embrace being single since marriage/family were two of my top goals in life - and I had a really short list of broad life goals (lots of smaller ones, still do). I knew I might never find the right person -no guarantees - but it didn't mean I had to feel totally fulfilled if it never happened or rationalize that it was better or "freer" to be single (I feel freer being married, less free now being a parent during a pandemic than were I child free - but it's still more than totally worth it). I like Catfeeder's input.
  19. I would tell her you're sorry that you led her to believe this was a romantic relationship and you realize now that a true relationship of a romantic nature requires meeting and dating in person. You realize that meeting and actually seeing each other regularly just isn't possible so it's best to perhaps chat once in awhile online but to go your separate ways. I think you should work on meeting friends and doing activities in real life -why don't you have friends in real life? Is it just situational because of covid? I don't think you can be a good romantic partner to anyone if you're this isolated. I'm sorry you're frustrated and stressed.
  20. Update. I checked up on her and she said she is doing better and was goikg to eat some pasta and salad a friend dropped off. I asked her if there is a particular food she wants and cannot access (I could send it). Before I sent that she texted “You always encourage me and help me to feel centered again. Thank you.” So I’ll keep doing what I’m doing and I’m so glad she’s able to eat. Thank you all and including for your well wishes for her and her family. It all helps.
  21. Especially since you are also parents I agree with those who said that given your drinking problem please focus on getting help for that, perhaps that will help your financial issues and in being a present parent - yes even though she is an adult. I would not be involved with her especially since you two are toxic together especially since you choose to drink so much around her or communicate with her after you choose to get drunk. Good luck getting your house in order!
  22. I tried but given how this friend treated him (and given his sort of MO in general) I was very supportive of him distancing himself from him. But we were all shocked when he suddenly died -he certainly lived large in many ways- and of course it's so normal to question again whether you did the right thing. Thanks and I am sorry those "friends" were not there for you. Also do you notice how when those situations happen there are people who show up for you you never would have expected? I love that.
  23. Wow what a tall order! Breakups are often messy and complicated and that's normal! I never sat with myself or felt all alone as I had friends, family, acquaintances, colleagues etc. I wasn't all alone -why do you think you're all alone? What worked for me is various things -often I had extra chocolate or ice cream, one time after a short term relationship but intense I booked a last minute flight to California to spend my bday with my best friend, and very often I got right back out there -dating, socializing, updating my online profile when that was a thing. I never really felt lonely but often missed the person of course and felt unmoored. I'm not sure I ever even attempted "loving and responsible" -I simply tried to end as amicably as possible. I did so with my fiancee many years ago and we also cancelled our upcoming wedding - upcoming in 7 weeks or so. We were apart for almost 8 years and with very limited contact. I started dating someone new about 2 months later and it became serious. I think he waited longer but not sure. After almost 8 years we got back together. And got married a few years later! Yes I did feel fear and anxiety but much more often in a bad relationship than afterwards. My dad was bipolar. My parents were married over 60 years when he died. My mom blossomed after "all alone" - she'd been his caregiver for so many decades and the very end he also had dementia and it was so so hard on her. So I hope you also feel some relief! And if you really do believe you are all alone I'd encourage you to seek counseling if it starts to interfere with daily functioning. And no it doesn't have to be completely loving and responsible when you end things. Simply do your best not to cause harm and to lessen any "drama." Good luck.
  24. I just wouldn't put it as "can I buy you a drink" - certainly it's fine to take someone's number and indicate you will call to plan another meeting.
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