Batya33

Is your dad eligible maybe via insurance for an aide to come a few hours a week -to relieve you?

I too would like to know how this would affect your relationship. I have a personal connection to NOLA and a special fondness for it - a fondness that surprises me actually. I visited there in 2006 twice and once in 2022. So I get that aspect of it. I'm sorry you're homesick. I like Bolt's advice about the steps to take/what to consider. Good luck.

After three months of steady dating and having sex I'd call her -or schedule a call if needed -or meet in person and talk about where you two stand with each other.

I find time to take care of me -both wants and -more like needs -I know there's a difference but to me also gray areas - by getting up ridiculously early. This is because: my gym is small and only has two treadmills and I only use a treadmill (or power walk outside but not before a certain time in the morning for safety), my husband sleeps in so when I get back I have the house to myself pretty much (need/want -to eat breakfast alone and have coffee alone and decompress post-workout). Others love to eat breakfast with their partner and I prefer to have that time to myself and talk with him later in the morning. Also on school mornings -I do all mornings with rare exception -my son gets up at 6:45 and then I walk him the mile to the bus stop. For me working out daily -it's been daily for about 13 years and from 1982-2012 it was somewhere between 3-5 times/week except when I was pregnant, then no intense working out) -and working out early morning to get it out of the way and for optimal personal mental and physical health benefits -is basically a must. I feel awesome after -I also drink about 3-4 cups of water during it - and it makes my day. I suggest this to - no one else - it's just what works for me. Having that time plus my coffee/breakfast time -helps me feel more grounded, centered, healthy, fit. It means I typically am in bed by 9:30. I had a very active night life from around 1980-2009 and it was awesome and not for me anymore. I don't feel like I'm missing out. For others that is their needed time -time to go out at night or work out at night or binge watch a show at night. Also I read a lot -mostly fiction -and step away from screens as a benefit. Again -personally -this helps me - always has -been a bookworm for over 50 years. I fit it in too -sometimes i keep my book in the kitchen so if something is cooking I can read a page or two and therefore I'm not on my phone. I also work part time. I learned especially during the years of virtual school and work -to maxiimze my work time -to figure out when I was most alert for brain work and -if I have more admin work - I know I can do that when I'm more tired -so I'm strategic about when I work. I am paid hourly and am meticulous about keeping accurate time - so it makes no sense for me to try to do a task when I'm exhausted and more inclined to look at a website, text a friend, etc. A downside -not as much for me but I bet for others -is that I likely am over-routinized - I don't mind that and indeed sometimes crave it- but I know of people where it would sabotage "self care" to be that scheduled/routinized (for example I have a cleaning routine which also is to maximize time). I have friends who never ever would get up before dawn to work out. But talk a lot about wanting to work out -wanting to be more fit. Wanting wanting. I give them - no input - because if you do want to make time for whatever self care means to you for most people -most certainly for me with all my solo parenting, part time work that sometimes creeps over to more like full time - there will be less spontaneity, there will be some adjustments needed and other sacrifices. I have friends who spend inordinate amounts of time: choosing the right headshot for a camp form for her son, weeks buying a new dishwasher, running to a big box store for school theme weeks, for even more sports paraphernalia for her kids, who goes out to buy a cup of coffee a lot of mornings instead of brewing at home. Regular mani/pedis and hair blowouts. All of these extras take time. But that's the thing to me they are extras -maybe to her this is her self care -but take a good luck at what you can trim -where is the time that might be -wasted- that is spent on tasks that can be delegated, not done, not done as often? I think being a caregiver to a parent is so so hard. I'm glad you can support in this way and it's wonderful of you to do this for your parent and hope for a speedy recovery.

Glad you have therapy . I’d avoid friendship since you can’t be her true friend given your feelings.

I’d respond no more. Have a friend or family member contact her for business reasons - the deposit.

I’m sorry you’re upset and I’m glad she ended things in a polite way.

Why do you need to respond at all?

I'm glad you're feeling better.

I'm 57. Highly ambitious -so is my husband. We've both had successful careers and after 5 years in an insanely high paying career - very similar to your high paying industry - he switched to a lower paying field that is also very prestigious - but not lower paying in any dramatic way meaning if needed he can be the primary provider with no issues. I am thrilled he switched -he followed his passion and he's highly ambitious. I switched after 15 years to a career as a full time mom -meaning - zero pay -and I was very ambitious at it in the 7 years I did it and never returned to the intense, competitive, crazy hours high paying career -I was 50 when I returned to my former career but in a part time capacity. My point is I'd look more at his values and his drive to determine ambition. It sounds like what you mean by ambition is a desire to advance in order to make the big $$$. That is not him -not now and assume -not ever- I know of one couple where she told him -I'm not marrying a classroom teacher (this was in the 1960s) so he became a doctor despite his love of teaching. Made a lot of $$. For them it worked -they've been married oh 60 years or so - but I think it's rare that a person will change their whole career trajectory as an adult especially in order to conform to your notion of "ambition" meaning -mostly the salary. He might -but he'll be miserable don't you think? Now is the time to decide your musts -and it's ok if others might find it "shallow" etc - my take on you is you like your high flying $$$$ career but at some point want to be able to be a full time mom with a husband who makes enough so even if you don't sock away $ now it's ok, I socked away $$ for 11 years while I was single (after I paid off my grad school loans) in case I married someone who couldn't be the sole provider - because I knew I wanted to be home much longer than maternity leave. So it wasn't needed but I enjoyed contributing to the household income from my nest egg and obviously it's good as a woman to have that nest egg just in case. Those are my thoughts. IMHO!!

Go to activities or do volunteer work where mingling with people is part of the activity or work. Like volunteering backstage at community theater. Your friends are not required to help you find a romantic partner and if they don't know anyone that's the reality but if you do an activity that involves other single people you might meet men and women who are interested in introducing you to their friends, and so on. You have to be out there to meet people. Then no cold approach is needed.

Why do you think he's not ambitious? Because of his salary (educational administration typically pays less than private finance) or because he doesn't want to move up within his organization? Is he passionate about stuff outside of work -activities or volunteer work? I'd assume that yes you would be the primary breadwinner and if that is not ok with you in a dealbreaker sense I'd end it now. Also why is it bothering you now but didn't bother you a year ago or even 6 months ago?

I'm glad you got it out! I was severely constipated for the first time ever when I was pregnant -first trimester - and I was allowed to take Colace which helped - I don't remember if I was on prenatals -I know all about iron and constipation lol. I'm glad you're ok and I too have weird dreams if my stomach isn't right!

I agree with Bolt that this is a great opportunity for you to get out of a comfort zone and for example plan outings with more regularity. I agree it might have been vague -your hints -in the context of a work environment.

When my husband and I were dating two months or so - exclusive- his recent ex gf emailed him or something -she regretted ending things, missed him blah blah. He told me because he said right after "I told her no, I wasn't interested." I told her because I am in love with you. They still worked together at that point so maybe he wanted me to know but the reason was because they were going to remain in touch professionally and he wanted to reconfirm that he was with me and committed. I had zero concerns about how he would behave around her.

I’d rephrase. She has chosen to react to her feelings by meeting with her ex to comparison shop and by sharing with you that her way of taking her emotional temperature is to compare the strength of her feelings for you to those she felt in the past for her ex. So please know even if you win “the prize” you’ll need a really strong stomach each time she seems distant or you wonder hmmmm do I still measure up ?? Anyone who makes it this sort of competition and is tacky enough to share it with her partner likely is a poor choice for any sort of long term partner. Doubts weren’t “created” - she is acting on her feeling for her ex by telling you she’s gonna test them out by meeting with him. So like if an attractive woman caught your eye and you felt a strong spark it’s ok to tell her that and tell her you know what you need to meet that lady for coffee to see if you feel as strong a spark for your partner but you know it’s ok because you know you feel chemistry with your partner but now that you see some other green grass you’re just gonna check if it’s greener. You’ll let her know the results and she should hang out and wait to see if she makes the grade.

I find it odd that you went on more than maybe two dates with this person? And you do chores for her despite how she treats you? It takes two to argue. Believe me I know -our son is 15 lol. It also takes two to be in a healthy adult relationship. Healthy adults who are cranky/irritable make choices around their partners so they don't subject them to their crankiness. Make it "their fault" so to speak. Yes it's not just about loving feelings because you also at times have to stop, pause, breathe and either not speak, walk away discreetly to get yourself together, or change your tone because even if you feel love your crankiness might win over in the moment and then you haven't acted very loving. She doesn't choose to do this in part because she knows you keep coming back for more and -bonus -you do her literal dirty work. It's also about humility in a healthful relationship. I bet she doesn't talk to her coworkers or her boss like that right?

How rude and tacky of her to compare the chemistry - I'd have been gone basically just based on that choice. It's fine to say "look I'm not feeling it" but why deliberately try to hurt you even more? No I wouldn't talk to someone who obviously missed that day in kindergarten when basic manners were taught (and no she wasn't "just being honest"). Let her comparison shop all she wants -on her own.

No worries! It could be among certain top universities especially like MIT and CalTech. As you can see on the news a number of universities are now facing much bigger issues unfortunately. Very tense around here!

That's not the case -to the extent you describe - and I know many professors. That likely is specific to the field of study and the school -for example I would imagine what you wrote is more true of schools like MIT and Caltech, etc. But your friend sounds interesting with interesting work!

Kim I wanted to tell you this story - I was a 20 something intern at a huge company. Early 90s There were about 20 of us -same age-ish. One of them massively flirted with me and was very very handsome. And even a little younger than me. I was totally single. It was obvious to everyone he was flirting. So one day I asked him if he wanted to go for lunch during the workday -just to the pizza place down the block. He said yes. And - once outside the office -he was - stiff/awkward -and then mentioned his girlfriend at lunch. I never described it as a date and I didn't make a fool out of myself -but there you go -who the heck knows what the deal with him was -I was just glad I found out before I felt embarrassed.

How close are you with your childhood friend? Who is paying for the prom? If he still wants to go -go and go and have fun and have no expectations beyond a fun and memorable night.

I can totally see that -since I was born into this environment and always lived this way I actually don't like when it's too quiet and I'm good at navigating around huge crowds of people. As I get older I'm more sensitive to loud/sudden noises especially in our apartment -my teenager, etc. And all of a sudden I noticed -in a negative way -all the crowds when I was pushing a stroller in my 40s!

OP I don’t think he’s interested in dating you or having a personal relationship outside the office. But I think he likes being work friends and making new work friends.

Oh that sounds lovely ! We live in the middle of a bustling active neighborhood in a major city . I’ve never lived for more than a few months at a time in any different environment. And only a few times.