Batya33
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Everything posted by Batya33
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Yes my relationship with my husband and son take priority and yes I couldn't stand the notion of friendship as a placeholder until "settling down". Nope not for me no I don't click with women or men who behave like that. To me it's not like "who is more valuable" - odd way of evaluating people - but for sure my committment to my marriage and family is more important to me all else equal than my commitment to a friend. So for example I distanced myself from a friend who sent us a holiday card addressed to me and used the name of my ex boyfriend to refer to my husband - an ex he knows of. Seriously? She'd met my husband numerous times and he set her up with his friend years ago. She did apologize when I pointed it out but didn't think it was a big deal - so all else equal I didn't contact her as much. I mean maybe that's a silly example but it's not about "value" - that seems kinda cold. Not how I think about it. If I'd followed studies I'd never have tried to conceive at almost 41 and never dreamed of getting back together with an ex fiancee in my late 30s with my clock ticking given the risk of it not working out. I'd never have tried to get a job in my field in my late 40s, and on and on. It's all a risk -you balance the risks for yourself. It's certainly riskier to be a married mommy than single and childless in certain ways. I don't risk being around certain breeds of dogs and others are appalled at my attitude -but on balance I can live my life quite nicely without being around those dogs and by avoiding all dogs outside who are off leash while others think that is just silly. You balance the risks for yourself.
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Feeling left in the dust as a nice guy and lonely
Batya33 replied to Armyguy368's topic in Emotions and Feelings
We totally agree. I wrote that many times. I agree with Bolt on how it is - misused- alternatively used in dating - and I think too often it's used as "too nice" to mean the ulterior motive/doormat situation. It's a shame. We agree it's great to be nice as you described it -and I did too! Edited to add I also like how Rainbowroses described it -without the balance -the edge -I start to doubt it's coming from a place of reasonable confidence. And in dating that doubt if it continued was -for me -a major turn off. I did know women who enjoyed leading their partners around like as if they were a cute nice puppy. They liked the control and making all the decisions. They loved the yes man they chose. It made me kinda sick (I mean whatever turned them on -just not for me). I think reasonably healthy people with reasonable confidence want someone who is thoughtful, kind and nice especially for marriage or the long term - as long as it's coming from a reasonably confident place. What that "girl" told you is a typical throwaway line -nothing to argue with -one of those sweet cliches like you write in a yearbook -mine has them too "you're so nice don't ever change!!" Obviously -don't change treating humans with respect and kindness from a good place and with reasonable boundaries so you're also treating yourself with respect and appropriate boundaries. I'm tired of the assumption that women who decline "nice" in the doormat way want a bad boy. Nope. Or want someone who is not nice. Nope. -
Why do you care who is "accountable" when the bigger picture is your grandchildren and your potential access to them? As myself and others have written on this and other threads would you rather be "right" or "close." My teenager texted me the other day -emphasis on "teenager" simply to say "thanks so much for helping me this morning I feel so much better." I don't even know what precisely I said to help and the text made my day - you can get texts like that too if you spend time with your grandchildren so that they feel safe with you and safe perhaps to open up and confide -I had grandparents I turned to for advice but that was because I was close to them. My son and mom have an awesome relationship (other grandparents unfortunately have passed) - she reaches him in certain ways that I as mom cannot and it's -beautiful - we live far away but he carries her in his heart and is so open with her. And they have so much fun including with their little inside jokes on brief phone calls. Wow -I hope this helps see how awful it would be to potentially miss out with your big words like "accountable" - can your grandkids even pronounce that yet or do you want to wait until they can - and you'll see it on some video they make for someone else?
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Yes. I agree. And it's not about whether she technically cheated - technically some would say you can't cheat unless you married -who cares what it's called other than it's called showing you she's a bad match for you and that's one of the reasons why.
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Is there really such thing as too much sex?
Batya33 replied to hannarivers's topic in Sex and Romance
No it doesn't work that way in a loving, romantic relationship that includes sex/making love/being sexual and you want the logic to work because of what I and Canuck and Jaunty have said but instead of soothing your fears (or confirming them) it leads you further down the rabbit hole. Then you use it as an excuse to test him. It's nice he sent you a spicy text it means at that moment he wanted to have sex with you most likely. But if a romantic committed relationship is healthy those texts are nice/perks/fun but most often not needed for reassuring if the foundation of your relationship is strong. He might like watching teen porn in the future- but it doesn't mean you're not his choice to be in a committed romantic relationship with. Whether separately that would be a dealbreaker for moral/ethical/Ick Factor reasons is -separate. -
My friend is pregnant after knowing him for 2 months....
Batya33 replied to Fairy1111111's topic in Friendship and Friends
I'd abide by what you two agreed to as far as notice and the financial aspects. -
My friend is pregnant after knowing him for 2 months....
Batya33 replied to Fairy1111111's topic in Friendship and Friends
I think it's time to keep your distance from this person in every way because you're highly critical of her and resentful. And you also care and worry about her -so for that part I'd offer to help her find resources related to her pregnancy or parenthood if she asks you. Perhaps if she asks you to go to a pregnancy appointment with her, go with and keep her company -but I think your emotions towards her are too negative for you to be this close to her. -
I hope tomorrow is better!
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Feeling left in the dust as a nice guy and lonely
Batya33 replied to Armyguy368's topic in Emotions and Feelings
I don't think it's nice to be nice when the main motive is to gain approval from others or because you're too insecure to say no -so you're being more of a martyr. That's too passive and/or self-absorbed. Most women I know and know of the last 40 years or so who are referring to dating and refer to a guy as a "nice guy" often refer to that in a conversation about "well, I'm not attracted to him but he's soooooo nice". For sure not always. Or it's a generic throw away comment not anything specifically thoughtful about the person or a specific thing he did that was kind. But that's just my experience living in two major cities for 57 years -but only dated in the first one for over 20 years. Obviously the term may be used quite differently. I think people who are kind and thoughtful from a perspective of reasonable confidence and are also kind and thoughtful to themselves including with boundaries are people who healthy people like to be around and gravitate to. -
Your words not mine. I don't believe that at all. And it sure isn't a piece of cake being a mom with some of the generalizations that are made about moms whether they work outside the home or not. I share my health insurance with my husband. If I didn't I'd seek coverage at my job or some other sort of coverage. No biggie. I can't imagine dating especially looking for a serious relationship all bogged down in the negative assumptions you seem to have -but maybe I'm reading wrong? You're well intentioned and smart and caring -perhaps you might want to reconsider some of this negative stuff?
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Same when I was a single adult till age 42 and I was single when pregnant until my 8th month. Never had any issue with health care, have always lived in a major city, never lived with anyone -roommate or partner (except a few months with my husband when we were engaged the first time -we didn't officially live together until after we were married). In fact there were some really annoying complications accessing health care once I got married and moved - just the change in status and location messed some stuff up.
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No I don't and cannot relate and I'm sorry you're disappointed! I agree with whoever wrote that you're likely not ready to date yet. I liked getting to know people at a reasonable pace over time.
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No I disagree. I'd have zero expectations of even another date that early on. Anyone can have four crescendo dates with a new person. I was never shocked because I managed my expectations in a realistic way. I enjoyed crescendo dates to the fullest. AND was not shocked if it crashed and burned. But I was dating only to get married so it was essential for me to teach myself how to be realistic so I didn't get jaded. And I didn't.
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I'm sorry you're in this situation. Can you apply for financial aid at the college you want? Transfer there later? Talk to the high school guidance counselor who maybe can talk to your parents? I would avoid dating this girl - she's bad news for you and will distract you in a really bad way from your studies and activities. (My son is 15 by the way).
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Right. No message. I'd stop assuming "well because I would never ____ no one else would" especially since you only had 4 dates.
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Where I live - major US city, moved from major US city - I think it's easier to be in a couple and married. It's more acceptable. Not commenting on the fairness of it but it's my perception. It has nothing to do with why I got married or my desire to get married and be a mommy -that was all personal and individual. I'm not a sheep blindly following "society". I don't really get along with people who are too much like that. I'm sorry you felt anxious. Icky feeling!! But I also don't sense you would settle just to be "safe" in a couple. Safe in quotes because it's never been my focus - I see too much happen in the world to couples. My dear friend - she is just the best - genuine, warm, caring, pretty, so bright, ambitious, successful. 3 kids under 12. Yesterday -she celebrated the bday of one of her kids. Today is moving day. Her husband is moving out. Because he cheated. First time that she is aware of. She caught him. Safe??? Thank goodness she is a professional with a full time job. And now the job of getting divorced and caring for their children and keeping them safe. No guarantees. She does not deserve this -in particular. She's that wonderful. No I don't think I'm motivated to be married because it's safer. I'm motivated for many reasons but not that one. To each her own.
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I'm glad you got this help. I think you have unrealistic expectations about early dating especially with a woman you didn't know well before. I'm sorry you were upset. Who does that? It's called -dating. Oh the war stories I have....
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Oh wow. Leather bound books- such memories. Two mentors I had including the one I mentioned - have passed -one on the younger side from cancer. I'm glad you still know her!! You reminded me -almost 20 years ago I mentored a college intern and now she is a married mother of 3 - and married the boy she was dating at that time -she told me -so cutely - that I would approve of him (I hadn't asked but she meant like he wasn't some player rowdy teenage boy) -true college sweethearts and yes he seemed and seems great!
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The first album my parents bought me was Off the Wall lol - I was a young teen.
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Is there really such thing as too much sex?
Batya33 replied to hannarivers's topic in Sex and Romance
Your focus on your looks -what you see in the mirror -being labeled "above average" -the extent of your focus is really worrisome and I think it's because of what Yogacat wrote above -your need to be captivating and particularly your face and body/private parts. For sure - not me - but there are people who are happy together in large part because they wanted arm candy primarily, because their arousal and desire depends mostly on looks - and they are happy together that way. Not for me to judge. The problem is you're making that huge assumption that just because he likes watching porn -and used to love watching it all the time basically - that he is a person who is with you primarily because of your looks. That he is aroused mostly by looks. I think you make that assumption partly or even all because of what Yogacat and others expressed above. I think given how focused you are on this - you should get help. Also yes it's controlling to test him in this way and monitor him in this way and comment as you do. IMO. Maybe he gets turned on by being controlled. I dated a man for 5 months and I would try not to let him see me with messy hair (my hair gets frizzy if there's even a prediction of rain or humidity lol) - or without makeup. Man was it exhausting and so unhealthy psychologically. I was triggered because he was a reformed player, and would make comments that suggested to me an inordinate focus on women's looks. Like someone else said - our partners might see us in labor/give birth. Our partners might see us with disgusting gross colds when we run out of tissues. Some of those partners will want us more than ever at those moments (ok maybe not the latter example) and some will not be aroused at all but it's no biggie. Or you can get all dolled up in that precise outfit that turned him on two weeks ago and no reaction. Cause we're human. I like pizza a lot. And I love chocolate. And ice cream. But if you offered me the most awesome dark chocolate I love and I was either full or very hungry for a meal as opposed to dessert I'd not desire it -I might take a rain check but I wouldn't desire it. Nice try with your analogy and I don't think it works that way. The way it works (ok as I have to say -with rare exception!) - if you want to marry or be with someone in a romantic relationship that's committed and long term you have to either trust them or not in every way - reasonably so but basic, strong trust. Including that they want to be in a romantic relationship with you whatever that looks like. And if you do it would never occur to you on any regular basis -and not in any obsessive way which is the impression you give - to perform these experiments, tests, to even analyze why "if I do this/he should do that and if not then why since he got hard the last time I did that -what's going on??" - with rare exceptions things would just -flow - feel fine/good/amazing depending on the day. But -flow. And ebb without all this drama you create in your head. Your approach sounds exhausting and likely will trigger wrinkles and gray hair - talk about self-sabotage! -
When I was 23 my boss turned 60. I was her assistant teacher! She'd been teaching kindergarten for over 25 years at that point and was still so into it. Amazing person and teacher. She had the same sort of quiet wisdom and I absorbed all of it like a sponge! I'm glad we both had that opportunity!
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Is there really such thing as too much sex?
Batya33 replied to hannarivers's topic in Sex and Romance
For example -he might find many women more attractive than you - he may get more turned on by certain women than you. He may feel more intensely aroused by looking at porn than by looking at you. But he only wants to make love -to you. He reacts to these other women by choosing not to follow his erection to having sex with any of them because he wants you and has chosen to be committed to you. I personally would hate if my husband ever said to me that he was more sexually aroused by [fill in name or whoever] than by me -that would be mean/tacky/heartless but if I thought he might be -I'd feel fine about it cause he's my husband and we've been committed and or married since 2005. If you believe he simply blindly follows his erection and if he ever feels more attracted to another woman he will have sex with her or leave you for her - don't marry him. Oh and I would never ever ask him and if I did he'd look at me like I had two heads - and ask me why in the world was I asking such a thing?? -
Same happened to me when I had a baby. Two weeks before I gave birth she and I had lunch as we did from time to time. We’d met at a singles resort and lived in the same city. Been good friends for about 8 years by that point. She is younger than me - 5 years or so - and single and child free. She was so so sweet at that last lunch. Offered to baby sit or help - I hadn’t asked !- gave me name of her cleaning woman. And we had a lovely time. I had the baby. We then had a gathering 2 weeks after the birth - a baby naming. Not a shower. Co ed. No gifts needed. Invited her in group email likely a week after I gave birth . No response. Emailed again - personally. No response. I was very exhausted post partum so I don’t think I called her (everyone else RSVP) but I know I followed up yet again by email . Nothing. And she never called despite knowing I had a baby. We reconnected via FB some years later. Neither of us brought it up and I’d moved away. Bizarre. We chat from time to time and have some mutual friends. I felt badly about being ghosted. I still do.
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Is the a lot going on perhaps a wife or a partner? I agree with the others.
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Oh I forget all the titles but likely Escapade and Rythm nation. Also loved Jackson 5 (before you were born we had the 45 record from the back of a cereal box for the song ABC - we had to finish the cereal before we could cut out the record and play it again and again! - and Michael. JJ gave a great concert!!!